Episode 15 - When Silence Speaks: Unraveling the Cost of Unspoken Assumptions

Have you ever jumped to conclusions about someone's silence, a puzzling text message, or an ambiguous tone of voice? That lightning-fast assumption process might feel protective, but it's likely pulling you further from truth and connection.

This powerful exploration of human perception reveals how our brains constantly fill gaps in information, usually with stories based on fear or past wounds. Neuroscience shows these assumptions aren't harmless—they trigger our threat detection systems and create emotional spirals that damage relationships. You'll discover why digital communication is particularly prone to misinterpretation (research shows we're only 56% accurate at reading tone in texts!) and how even the closest relationships can fracture under the weight of unchecked assumptions.

Through personal stories of family miscommunications during a holiday weekend, we examine how quickly innocent crossed wires can escalate into genuine emotional pain. More importantly, you'll learn transformative practices to break the assumption habit, including Dr. Brené Brown's powerful phrase "The story I'm telling myself is..." and a simple three-word question that can prevent relationship damage before it starts.

Whether you're navigating professional relationships, intimate partnerships, or family dynamics, these practical tools will help you choose curiosity over false certainty. Your brain may be wired to guess, but your heart is wired for connection. Listen now to transform miscommunication from a relationship hazard into an opportunity for deeper understanding and authentic connection.

From the Eden Method: The Hook-up:     

Hook-up Version 1: 

https://youtu.be/h4M7n1DrTLw?si=7wIP6KzYi_ig1Tn1

Hook-up Version 2: 

https://youtu.be/rQSk83Mj9fE?si=dYGmpJwBuKjC9sO4

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Transcript

Welcome and Assumption Introduction

Speaker 1 0:03

Hello , beautiful souls , and welcome back to another episode of Gifts and Strange Wrapping Paper , the podcast that helps us see life's unexpected , often uncomfortable experiences as invitations to heal , awaken and grow . My name is Kelly Goetz and I am so glad you're here . Today's episode is about a deeply human , incredibly common and often painful habit of making assumptions , or you might even see them as misperceptions . Listen , we've all done it . We think we know what someone meant by their silence . Perhaps it's their tone or their text message . Perhaps it's their tone or their text message and oftentimes , what we think we know , we start to feel the sting of being left out , overlooked or instantly jumped to a story , usually one that's based in fear or some sort of shame or rejection . But what if that story isn't true ? What if our assumptions are not protecting us but actually pulling us further away from the truth and from the people we love ? That's what we're going to explore today through some story , a little bit of science and some soul . So let's take a deep breath and maybe grab a cozy drink and let's begin . So this past weekend was 4th of July weekend and we had our own mishap of the St Joe's miscommunication . We had an assumption that spiraled , starting on the 4th of July and continuing on throughout the weekend . So let me take you back to this past 4th of July weekend . First and foremost , I want you to know that growing up 4th , the 4th of July was one of my favorite holidays . It was around family birthdays , beach days at Perdido , key , florida , and a patchwork of people from all walks of life gathering at the Floribama Bar . We had everything from Navy officers , bikers , skydivers dropping into the beach right in front of the bar , tourists and locals all together in celebration , with some sun and pure joys , and music blasting in all different corners of the restaurant bar . It was really , truly one of my favorite places to go , and those memories are really etched inside of me . Well , it's been about 10 years since my father passed away and ever since I find myself craving those moments , trying to recreate even a glimmer of that

4th of July Miscommunications

Speaker 1 2:45

connection .

Speaker 1 2:47

This year we made plans to head to Donnell Lake in Michigan and stay at our friend's home , and we also decided to take a little day trip to St Joe's , michigan , one of our favorite beaches , two hours from our home , where we enjoy taking the kids for a beach day , and ended up at Silver Beach Pizza for a great meal at the end of the day . Sounds real simple , right , but life with growing kids and evolving schedules is anything but simple . As it turned out , our daughter had to work and our son's friend had last-minute changes , so already the plans were shifting before we even packed the car . Then came that first bit of miscommunication . We thought we had agreed to leave for our cycling group's 4th of July party at 5.30 , but just as I was about to hop in the shower , our daughter needed me Suddenly . I was 30 minutes behind and still in workout clothes , not quite packed , and while the clock ticked forward , I assumed that my husband would realize we were no longer going to leave and be on time . He , on the other hand , assumed that an agreement is an agreement . We're leaving at 5 30 to make a six o'clock party and we're still leaving on time . Well , you know how that ends , right Strike one .

Speaker 1 4:21

We did make it to the party , but later that night , on a dark golf course folding up lawn chairs , I realized my husband had said that he was going to run to the bathroom and I assumed that he had left me behind . And he assumed that I heard him say he'd be right back . And he assumed that I heard him say he'd be right back . Well , in my desire that he would have waited for me and his assumption that all was good , we had striped to . And then there was the two days later , our long awaited trip to revisit St Joe's , michigan .

Speaker 1 5:07

Both my husband and I and our son initially thought we would leave at 8 am to make an hour-long drive . One of the three of us suggested well , why don't we leave at 9 and get some more sleep ? And two of us thought no , we really need to leave by 8 . The parking is going to be hectic . It's the busiest weekend . And we thought we were clear that the person wanting to leave at nine knew we were still leaving at eight . And guess what happened next ? Each moment felt like so small on the surface and there it was strike three the next morning . Nobody's really quite sure when we're leaving , nobody's quite on time . And we finally made it out the door at 9 am .

Speaker 1 5:52

But underneath all those subtle ways that the assumptions were happening and we were misaligning with our agreements hurt not only each one of us , but it also hurt the relationships that we had . You know , one of us is thinking wow , doesn't she know ? Being on time matters to me and I'm thinking didn't he realize I needed help ? And why do I always feel like I have to wake everybody up in the morning to leave on time to get to where we said we were going to go ? The truth is , we weren't trying to hurt any of us , no one meant any harm . But we were all making assumptions and we didn't close the communication loop , we didn't clarify and verify what we were planning on doing and we didn't renegotiate our agreements of when we were going to depart when suddenly there was an emergency in front of us .

Speaker 1 6:59

And those assumptions , however innocent , incompetence , however innocent , oftentimes trigger old stories and old wounds and the ache of not being heard , the fear of missing out or the sting of feeling unimportant . So my nervous system lit up , my mind filled in the blanks so quickly and for a moment I forgot the truth . And the truth is we're on the same team . We love each other . This was just miscommunication and it reminded me again how quickly our brains will leap to the story when clarity is missing . Our brains will leap to the story when clarity is missing , and how easy it is to drift from connection to conflict when just one unspoken assumption , and here's the thing no one meant harm , just crossed wires were happening . The emotional spiral that I went through and my family's went through , though , is very , very real , and it reminded me how quickly we make assumptions and how quickly our brain will fill in the blanks . So let's talk about what is actually happening in the brain and the body when we assume and the number one thing you need to know is that your brain loves to fill in the blanks .

The Brain's Assumption Machinery

Speaker 1 8:38

Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett , a neuroscientist and author of how Emotions Are Made , teaches that our brains are prediction machines . They are constantly scanning for missing information and trying to guess what is happening , and it bases those guesses on old memories , past experiences and fears and fears . So , when you text somebody and they don't text back , or if you try to communicate with somebody and they look the other way during a conversation , we don't just wait for more data , we fill it in . Oftentimes , you might be thinking , huh , they must be upset , they're ignoring me or I'm being left out , and the kicker is , when our brain fills in the blanks , it usually will assume the worst about the situation and about the person you're in relationship with , no matter how well you know them . So there is a misinterpretation . So misinterpretation is common and one study showed in 2013, .

Speaker 1 9:59

A study in the Journal of Communication showed that people are only 56% accurate in interpreting tone and emotion through email or text . It's basically the same as flipping a coin or having the coin tossed before a football game you got a 50-50 chance of getting it right . So the next time you're interpreting someone's tone over text , know this the brain is guessing . It really doesn't know , and oftentimes I know for myself that if I'm busy and I'm trying to get from one thing to the next and I'm texting in a hurry , trying to get the information that somebody else needs , there might be an energy or tone of tension that has nothing to do with the other person . That could be interpreted in how quickly I wrote my text . And the other thing to know is all of your past wounds are likely to color the guess that you are making about your interpretation . So what happens in the body , in the nervous system , when assumptions are being made ?

Speaker 1 11:22

Assumptions don't just stay in the mind , they actually activate the nervous system , specifically the amygdala , your brain's threat center Oftentimes in energy medicine we refer to that threat center is that fight , flight , freeze response . That's governed by the triple warmer meridian system . A UCLA study by Lieberman in 2007 showed that when we name our feelings , it reduces the amygdala activation and calms the nervous system . So simply giving those feelings , those emotions , a name and giving it a statement as to what it's actually meaning for you , can help you pause in the moment and simply saying , wow , I'm feeling left out or hey , I noticed that I'm telling myself a painful story . The minute you bring yourself awareness to it , you bring your thinking brain back online . And here's what you need to know that part of your brain , that reptilian part of your brain that is in that reactive fight-flight response . It is operating all the time as a means of protection for you in your life . And the only place that we really can make conscious choice is in the front brain , where we can slow down , pause and make a choice as to how we want to respond to the situation .

Speaker 1 13:12

One of my favorite authors who has studied emotions is Dr Brene Brown , and she teaches that her work teaches and has helped millions of people find the language for this kind of inner work . One of the things she says is in the absence of data , we will always make up stories ,

Nervous System Response to Assumptions

Speaker 1 13:35

and the stories we make up are usually self-protected . You can find that in Rising Strong , that particular phrase right there and that concept changed my life 25 years ago , even though she didn't write that book yet . I started learning about the stories that I was telling myself based on assumptions of how I was hearing and interpreting other people's messages . I realized as I was hearing that again , that most of the time and most of the time , what I see in my clients is it's not so much what happens to us , it's what we think and perceive about that situation or circumstance and how we react to what we're thinking about that situation or circumstance . So it's not so much about wow , this particular thing happened to me that we're upset about , it's how we think about that particular thing that happened to you . It's the story and the meaning that we're giving to that situation that has us feeling either great or feeling not so great .

Speaker 1 14:54

So one of the ways that Brene Brown recommends creating a beautiful tool to stop the spiral is simply to say to yourself spiral is simply to say to yourself the story I'm telling myself is , and then fill in the blank it's soft , it's clear , and it's a way to speak our truth without blame . And not only does it open up the opportunity for conversation , it also opens up the heart . So here's a little bit of an example . Instead of thinking , wow , you left me out , try instead . The story I'm telling myself is that I wasn't wanted . Can you help me understand what really happened ? Can you help me understand what really happened ? It's courage that causes you to move forward , and one of the other things that Brene Brown will say is being clear is kind , unclear is unkind . You can find that in Dare to Lead .

Speaker 1 16:06

So when we don't ask for clarity , we leave that room for the story to grow wild . I know , I've personally done it , and actually when you care about someone or something else in your life , I know for myself if I care enough about you to check out my assumptions and to get clarity , then you're important to me and I want to understand where you're coming from . And if it's something that just happens in an everyday store where you're in and out just kind of like you don't really know the person , I might just walk away and not think to clarify . But just recently I had a situation where something happened . There was miscommunication about a service that I was getting and when I went to pay , I was charged three times what I had talked about before and I really wasn't sure how to feel about it . So I paid the bill and I left , but I felt I didn't feel good about it . So the next time I went back in I said , you know , when I was here , this is what I understood the price was going to be for that service . This is what the conversation was , and I didn't feel that I was honored in that moment when it was time to pay the bill . And I said it in a way , and I checked out the assumptions that I had made based on our conversation , and I shared what those assumptions were and I shared how I felt about it . And and then I just , you know , I checked it out with them and they gave me their interpretation , but in the end they realized that oh okay , you know what I actually . There was a misleading of what the pricing was and they corrected it for me , which I thought was very kind and generous , and I was grateful because not only did I clear my assumptions , but I am now able to maintain that relationship a really great working relationship as I move forward .

Speaker 1 18:13

When we don't ask for clarity , we leave room for a story to grow , and that's something you really can look at right now and think about . Where have you made assumptions around ? Different relationships , different people . So what's the cost of unspoken assumptions ? Let's be really , really honest here . Assumptions don't cause discomfort . What they do is they destroy connection . In a Harvard Business Review in 2017 , they reported that unspoken assumptions were the number one cause of conflict in teams number one cause of conflict in teams , more than deadlines , money or roles . And the Goodman , the Gottman Institute , who studies relationships and couples , they found that couples who clarify instead of assume have greater intimacy and trust over the long haul . So , whether it's your partner and trust over the long haul . So , whether it's your partner , your friends , your co-work or your child , making

The Cost of Unspoken Assumptions

Speaker 1 19:31

space for questions over assumptions is a radical act of love and , let's be honest , we all want to experience and enjoy love , intimacy , connection . It's why we do so much of the things that we do in our life .

Speaker 1 19:43

So let's talk about a healing practice and just check in with yourself . Can you relate to what I'm saying ? If you think about some of the conflicts that you've had or you've avoided , how much was there a story involved or an assumption involved that had you feeling a sense of angst in that situation . So a really great healing practice is to ask , don't assume . So here's your tool for the week . It's simple but it's powerful Ask , don't assume . When something or someone feels off , simply pause and say can I check something out with you ? Or the story I'm telling myself is dot dot dot fill in the blanks . Myself , is dot dot dot fill in the blanks . Or I might be making an assumption here . Can we talk about it ?

Speaker 1 20:44

And then there's my personal favorite , which I learned 25 years ago from my dear mentors and friend , jeff and Sue Page . And it was a simple way to not only own my assumptions by saying hey , when you said you wanted to leave an hour later to go to St Joe's Beach and we said no , we need to leave at the same time , I assumed you heard both of us say no , we really need

Healing Practice: Ask, Don't Assume

Speaker 1 21:12

to leave at 8 am and to ask the question is that true ? Is that what you heard by saying the words is that true ? After owning your assumption , it takes away the defensiveness because you're not saying the other person intended to mislead , hurt your feelings , show up late . What you're doing instead is you're slowing down the process . You're taking responsibility for whatever assumption you made was . And then , by asking the three word question of is that true ? Pausing and waiting and to hear what they have to say , you get the truth . What did they hear was happening ? What did they really think ? No story , just the truth .

Speaker 1 22:32

And sometimes you might find that you might not like what the truth is , but at least your brain has have true clarity and the other person has true clarity . More often than not , you're going to get to where you need to go on time . More often than not , you will have more fun and connection when doing so and what's really great is that your nervous system will calm down . You give that other person a chance to be heard and a chance to clarify and to know that they are understood and that their needs are met . You open the door for a deeper connection . So , in closing , as you leave here today , think about all the different ways that your brain creates assumptions about somebody else's tone , their mood , how they're behaving and the ways that you create a story for yourself around that . And think about and remember that your brain is wired to guess , but your soul is wired to love .

Speaker 1 23:45

Assumptions are often little shields we use to protect ourselves from vulnerability , but in doing so we shut down our connection . But in doing so we shut down our connection . Taking the time to check out those stories , those assumptions , is really truly an act of caring for someone . It's an act of kindness . Ignoring those assumptions and letting them go wild and build , not only is it going to hurt you , but it's going to hurt the relationship and , ultimately , the other person .

Speaker 1 24:24

So this week be really , really courageous and brave

Closing Reflections and Energy Medicine

Speaker 1 24:40

and when you hear your brain is running wild with all sorts of conclusions about somebody else or something else , simply pause . In my newsletter I added an energy medicine technique called the hookup , where you can hold your third eye and your belly button and take some really deep breaths and in that hookup you allow yourself to center within and pause and reconnect to your truth , reconnect to who you are , and from that place you can check in and notice what is the emotion you're feeling . You can use Brene Brown's magical phrase of the story I'm telling myself is you can choose curiosity over possibly false certainty , because that one phrase and that moment of pause truly is the gift inside that strange wrapping paper of miscommunication . Thank you for joining me today , pausing and checking out whatever that assumption is , so that you can create greater closeness , not only with yourself , but with the people that you love and want to enjoy in your life . Have a great day , bye-bye .