Victor Antunez:Navigating Parenting and Caregiving for a Child with Autism: An Inspiring Journey

 Ever wondered about the world through the eyes of a parent with an autistic child? 
Join us as we journey with Victor Antunez - a loving father navigating the unpredictable waters of raising his 6-year-old daughter on the autism spectrum, and 4-year-old neurotypical son. 
Victor gives a raw and heartwarming account of his family's story, from the initial diagnosis to daily challenges and victories - a testament to the strength and resilience of parents in his shoes.
We explore the importance of planning for his daughter's future amidst the uncertainties of her condition. 
Victor's candid stories shine a light on the effort he and his wife undertake to ensure their children understand and accept each other. 
Hear about the crucial daily routines they’ve established that help manage their daughter's autism and imbue their lives with a sense of normalcy amidst the complexities. 
Plus, discover the essential part siblings play in engaging an autistic child and the importance of advocating for your child to get the services they need in the school system.
Lastly, we delve into the power of hope as a parent or caregiver. Hope can normalize the environment for our loved ones and provide a beacon of light in what sometimes feels like a never-ending tunnel.
He has written 2 books to help others pursue their quest for a better life living with autistic children.
So, tune in to this episode, immerse in Victor's inspiring story, and expand your understanding of the experiences of parents raising children on the autism spectrum.
You'll walk away inspired, knowing that you're not alone in this world.  
 Let's keep the conversation going - share your story with us at TonyMantor.com. Remember, no matter where you are, you are not alone. 
Let's spread the word about our inspiring conversations on this podcast

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intro/outro music bed written by T. Wild
Why Not Me the World music published by Mantor Music (BMI)

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Welcome to why Not Me, the World? Podcast, hosted by Tony Mantor, broadcasting from Music City, usa, nashville, tennessee. Join us as our guests tell us their stories. Some will make you laugh, some will make you cry. Show life people who will inspire and show that you are not alone in this world. Hopefully, you gain more awareness, acceptance and a better understanding for autism around the world. Hi, I'm Tony Mantor. Welcome to why Not Me? The World. Today's guest is a father of two, one which is autistic, and he's also an author, so let's welcome Victor Antonez. Welcome to our show, victor.

Speaker 2: 1:13

Thank you for having me, Tony.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Oh, it's my pleasure. I believe that you said that you're living in Miami now.

Speaker 2: 1:18

Well, I was born in Florida, raised in Miami. For 20 years, though I was out of mostly the country, actually as a merchant marine just traveling all over the world. So, but Miami's home for me and it's where I'm at now with my family. So it's where my heart is at my family's, at.

Speaker 1: 1:33

Well, it's a great place to live, that's for sure. So I believe you told me that you have an autistic child.

Speaker 2: 1:39

Yes, I have a six-year-old daughter. She's on the spectrum, and then I have her four-year-old little brother. He's neurotypical though, so she's the big one.

Speaker 1: 1:47

So at what age was she when you realized there might be something you needed to check out to see if she was autistic?

Speaker 2: 1:54

You know around a little bit after turning two. It was actually my mother-in-law who read my wife and I the right Actually like, look, you guys got to get that girl check. But you know, we were first-time parents and I just thought it was just cute behavior. You know, what do you know when you know, when you're a first-time parent, you don't know what is typical and what is not. But the behavior was a little bit off, but it wasn't off enough where I had to get her checked. But then my mother-in-law she's like you got to get her checked. So around two and a half we tried to have her diagnosed. People would tell us look, I think she's autistic, but until she's three we can't give you an official diagnosis. So I would say at three years old exactly is when we had her diagnosed. But we knew before that that she was autistic and she's still nonverbal. But thankfully my wife sent her a lot when she was a little girl.

Speaker 1: 2:41

Oh, I think that's just tremendous Because, being in the music business, I love music, so did you find that that helped her at all?

Speaker 2: 2:48

So she will sing all day long. Now most of it is not intelligible, but it just makes us hopeful in the sense that she is vocalized and verbalizing. So we hope that she will become verbal. But six years old you can never tell.

Speaker 1: 3:03

Yeah, that's so true. When a kid is young, you just don't know what to expect. So it was the first couple of three years that she really didn't speak much at all then.

Speaker 2: 3:13

No, no, and in fact she had a regressment. She was younger than two, she was very typical and I have a video of her where she's like trying to talk to me at like a one and a half year old level and it seems very normal. And then she had a regression, which you know when I've read a lot of literature and that's actually quite common.

Speaker 1: 3:30

Yeah, I've heard that that's fairly common as well. So in the back of your mind, you knew something wasn't quite right. Yes, so after you did get the diagnosis, what was the first things that went through your mind? I mean, how did you react to the news that you had just got?

Speaker 2: 3:48

You know I didn't really react. The one who reacted really hard was my wife and she wept. Actually it was really hard on her.

Speaker 1: 3:54

Yeah, I've talked with a lot of women and the emotions are pretty strong for that.

Speaker 2: 3:59

You know we're worried about her future. You know what's her future going to be Sure.

Speaker 1: 4:02

I think that's a very natural response for parents to go through at that point in time.

Speaker 2: 4:08

So you know I took it in stride, but then you know I'm 10 years older than my wife, so you know a little bit more maturity there, you know I just seen more, you know. So you know, and I didn't have my daughter was important, so I was 44. So actually, you know, I'm like a late age parents so maybe if I had been in my 30s it might have been harder on me, but it wasn't so hard, but it was really hard on my wife. But you know we've made our bones with it and she's coming along, we're getting her speech therapy and you know she is talking a little bit and not great. And actually I took her, yes a, to a playground and it was the first time I think I've seen her interact with another child.

Speaker 1: 4:45

Oh, that's great. So what was her interaction with the other kids like at that time?

Speaker 2: 4:50

Usually she would just ignore the other kids. Now it wasn't like a typical six-year-old interaction, but she was like actually looking at the girl, responding to the girl. Not in the way that a normal six-year-old girl would be, but it's still. You know, it gave me some sort of hope, you know.

Speaker 1: 5:06

And in situations like this, hope is a great thing to have. Yeah, yeah, so you mentioned that your wife kind of took it hard in the first part of it. Oh, yeah, so do you think that she went through any issues there that some women go through that she was questioning whether she did anything wrong or not.

Speaker 1: 5:23

Oh no, well, that's really good, because I've talked with a few women that after they had a child that was diagnosed, they started second guessing themselves, wondering if they did anything wrong during the pregnancy, and in reality they hadn't done anything, but they were just again just questioning themselves.

Speaker 2: 5:44

Wow, Wow, you have a question. I mean, if you think about it genetically, it is our fault because she is our daughter, but it's not our fault in the sense that we did something to her. Yeah, so you know, if my wife took it that way, she never said anything, I never took it that way, just because you know, I've been around enough, read enough to know. Just, I mean, it is your fault because you are the parents, but it's not your fault because you didn't do it to them.

Speaker 1: 6:08

Right, right. Well, I brought that up because I've talked with a few women and they just told me that they went through so much emotionally and they just questioned themselves and put themselves under a microscope because of it. Oh, I see.

Speaker 2: 6:25

Yeah, ultimately they realized that it wasn't their fault and focused on what's best for the child at that time, of course, I mean I can see women taking it harder, just because you know women are women and men were stoic and so you know we don't take things by their stuff. But I think that moms, just because of their role in parenting, that they're going to take things harder with their kids.

Speaker 1: 6:46

That's so true. So, now that she's six years old and you've gone through the first three years figuring out what she has to do, what are some of the changes you've seen and what are you doing now in her life?

Speaker 2: 7:00

She goes to a school for autistic kids five days a week and then we're also going to be having her go into an afterschool program three days a week. So we're getting her as much each therapy and occupation therapy as possible. Okay, do you know who Temple Grandin is? Yeah, absolutely Okay, so, okay, yeah. So she was born highly autistic and she was non-verbal for a long time and she gives her mom all the time she calls her mother. She says mother just didn't give up on me and mother made sure I got all my therapies and she's a PhD now and we're all famous with her animal work. So it's just lots of hope there.

Speaker 1: 7:37

It's amazing that you brought her name up. I did a podcast with her the other day and her name was brought up as well.

Speaker 2: 7:42

Okay, she's pretty well known.

Speaker 1: 7:45

Yeah, that's a perfect example of a person just never giving up and moving forward, and that's kind of what we all have to do, and you just hope, as a parent, that you can eventually get your child to transition into the society the way that you hoped that they would when they were born.

Speaker 2: 8:05

Yeah, get a job and just partake and do your part. Yeah, of course, that's what we all want as parents.

Speaker 1: 8:11

Exactly so. Now she's six years old. You've gone through three years of knowing that she's autistic. What have the doctors given you for information or feedback on anything that can help her in her future life?

Speaker 2: 8:24

to make things just a little bit easier for her Well, I mean, right now it's just a therapies and her speech is coming along a little bit and she is making some kind of eye contact with people outside of the family. But you know, at six years old it's really hard to plan. I mean, like my little boy he's four I actually plan more for him than my daughter, just because he's neurotypical, Like I can plan normal things for him, Whereas my daughter maybe she becomes durable, maybe she doesn't. So it's hard to know what we're going to expect from her as parents.

Speaker 1: 8:56

Yeah, absolutely. I've had the opportunity to talk with people that have brothers and sisters that are autistic. I've talked with parents that have kids that are autistic, and the one thing that I've noticed is they have to explain to them why their brother or sister may be a little different than they are. You, however, have a six year old and a four year old, and they're going to be growing up together, learning together, and that's could be, and will be, their normal. So, while you're going to be learning and they're going to be learning, it's going to be a situation that they grow up knowing what you respect from each other, and then you just keep learning and growing, and it could be a good thing.

Speaker 2: 9:40

You know, autism is becoming so mainstream now that there's really not too much explanations. People will see her, they'll kind of get it, or you'll say, hey. We say one time, hey, she's autistic, and that's all you got to say and they get it. So there still is a stigma out there. My wife was concerned about that, but I'd have felt it and we'd have hated it from our family. She's autistic and you know, we don't, we don't, we don't still need stigma on it. Fortunately, you know, people are becoming much more accepting of it, just because you know autism is on the rise, unfortunately.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Yeah, it is. I think I heard the other day that one in 45 kids last year were born autistic, which is a lot. That's a lot, yeah, yeah it is. I also heard that one in seven people worldwide either know someone or have someone that's autistic in their family.

Speaker 2: 10:26

We'll show the six degree separation. I totally believe that.

Speaker 1: 10:30

Yeah, yes, people are becoming more aware of it. I think the biggest thing they have to do is understand it. You know, because if you have to, if you say that they're autistic, you know, hopefully you know people will. You know, try and find out a little more and and and try and try and help in ways that they can help, so that those barriers kind of get knocked down. Sure, so she's six years old now and you're learning every day about her autism. So are there any daily routines that you've developed? What's it look like every day for you?

Speaker 2: 11:04

A normal day as we get her up like around six thirty to be out there by seven to go to school. And she doesn't like going to school. So there's a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Fortunately her little brother like he's time to go to school. He gets right up, he loves school. My daughter likes it too once she's there. So the morning routine is get her up, a lot of crying, but once she's at school she likes school. She gets out at noon. But now at noon we'll be putting her into an after-school program for an hour.

Speaker 1: 11:33

Okay.

Speaker 2: 11:34

And then we get her home and we'll feed her and there's like a nappy time and you know she's still sick. So it's just, it's still. You know, even though she's autistic, it's very normal to look at stuff, in a sense that they play in their sleep, you know.

Speaker 1: 11:44

Yeah, sure, that makes sense and that's really good, because what you're doing is is creating a normal environment, even though she's autistic, and that way she can grow, develop, become who she's going to become. And that's to me, what that I try and put out there for all our listeners on this podcast is that as much as things are the same, things can be different, and that's what people are, and sometimes, if you let them, people will go into their own little shell and not communicate. And this is something that we need to take in and hopefully make a better situation for, so that it allows the children to expand, grow, be themselves, and then that'll take them out of their shells. Just make a better environment for everybody to live in.

Speaker 2: 12:37

And speaking of shells, when she was little she would try to just retreat to a corner in her playroom and we were told that this was very normal behavior for autistic kids and not to allow it.

Speaker 2: 12:48

So I would tell parents that of autistic kids, that when your kids want to retreat you have to engage them and get them out, because if you let them become a habit they'll just get used to retreating to their corner. And because we never allowed it, she still does it a little bit, but not as much. And then her little brother also is a big help. He's a little little little, simply, it's only the older kids alone. So he's always, he's always engaging her. But if you don't have that dynamic in your home, I would tell parents that autistic kids across the board they want to retreat and for their social well-being you just, you know, in a gentle way just engage them and get them out of that shell, because socializing for autistic kids is not easy and I know other, like neighborhood kids, are autistic and it's hard. We as parents can have such a big positive effect on their social lives, but you know it's on us, not on them.

Speaker 1: 13:38

Wow, that is such great information. If one person can hear this, realize that they might have to make a change. That's the whole goal of this podcast is to break down those barriers and help people and make a difference. I hope so. Well, it's people like you coming onto podcast telling others what you find, what you learn, and then it's the ability to tell them how you dealt with it, what you learned from dealing with it, and hopefully they can use what you've learned to adapt and put into their families and help them moving forward with their lives.

Speaker 2: 14:22

I'm sure there are. I've done some different Facebook groups for autistic kids and parents and you read the stories and they're all very similar. What's good about those groups also on Facebook that I like is that, no matter how hard it is for you, there are parents that are going through situations 10 times harder than yours. I mean like very brutal situations out there. So, yes, it is good to hear other stories, to just put your own story in perspective.

Speaker 1: 14:45

Exactly. Yeah, there's a lot of stories out there that people don't want to hear. The biggest one that I've heard that resonated with me was a young kid told me that he was bullied through high school and because of that he kind of felt alone with everything that's out there now, there's no reason why anyone in this world should feel alone.

Speaker 2: 15:10

And talk about that kid was getting bullied in school. It's not the parents fault because things are being much more mainstream now. But you know, we as parents, if we can educate the teachers and their schoolmates of what their kids are going through, we can make their lives so much better and so much easier.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Yeah, I think the school system is a huge instrument that can help. I talked with one lady where she went to a school system and because of the American Disabilities Act, she was able to get the school to help her get a lot of things that she couldn't get herself. Yes, you know so. So I think the school system is a big tool that a lot of people don't realize. Is this there to help them? You know, make, to help their transition of their kids, where they can, you know, live and and move along and and Learn and grow?

Speaker 2: 16:02

Yeah, you know and talk about the school system. It is there for you. Best of parents. You have to advocate because they won't come to you. If you go to them, you can get. You get these services for your kids, but they're not going to come knocking your door and ask you. So you definitely have to advocate for your children.

Speaker 1: 16:15

Yes, yes, that's that's the one thing that she did say is that she never you know she. She came along and some friends told her that you know, go to the school and ask them, and then she did, and then all of a sudden, she got started getting some help. That's fantastic, yeah, sure is. We like to hear when people get help, especially when they need it, and so many young parents don't have a clue as to what's out there because they're just so Overwhelmed so they need to have places that they know they can go to get help, get what they need for information, and that'll help them moving forward. Yes, this is where Podcasts like this and people like you giving information that others might not have thought of, that can learn, and then from there Can spiderweb out and just hopefully it will help many people along the way you know, something else that my wife has been doing with both kids is she has started WhatsApp groups, you know, messaging groups with both sets of parents at the kids schools.

Speaker 2: 17:18

So when there is a birthday party or any kind of social event, no kids are left out. And you know, my wife said she's a very social butterfly, so she's kind of the queen view of that. So that's just another way that parents can advocate for the children is go to school, start a messaging group of other parents and just make sure that your kid or no other kids are ever left out.

Speaker 1: 17:38

That's a really great idea. I I think that's something that a lot of people, once they hear this, will look at and and think about. And that's what again, that's what this podcast is about Bringing out new ideas, different things, making people think, open up their minds. I Applauded you for that. You're you're doing a real commendable job and have a really good mindset for it.

Speaker 2: 18:03

Well, as I said, you know, I was 44 when she was born, so a little bit older. You know, calmer have been 10 years earlier. He might have been different and not in a better way. So you know, take it as tribe.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Yeah, I get that. We all, we all go through that. Well, she's six years old and and the last three years you've seen her develop and and she continues to develop and I'm sure you're seeing your doctors and and keeping up with everything. Have they suggested anything or or come up with anything that you might have considered at all?

Speaker 2: 18:36

Well, we're doing the ABA therapy, which is, which is, you know, she is improving. I'm not I really wouldn't know what else, you know, because there's a lot of like non-traditional Procedures out there, but we're just kind of just, you know, just standoffish with that. So we're doing with the ABA, something that Florida does have. There's this program I think it's to Medicaid where you know you apply it takes years and years to finally get on it, but they'll give you a monthly stipend that you can then use to use it for whatever kind of programs that you might want to get to. So you know, in South Florida there's a Maritime programs and all sorts of outdoor programs that are that are autism focused. So you know, once we're, you know, once we qualify for that, we'll start doing that. You know, at six years old there's just a lot stuff that she is not old enough for okay.

Speaker 2: 19:25

So as she gets older, you know I'm very much into anything maritime that has to do with the water, so I'd like to get her some of these programs that work with more turtles and with and with dolphins, and I hope that she will respond to that. But at six she's still too young, just it. You know it's a liability. She can have a six-year-old on dolphin, you know, sure, but as she gets older, you know, we'll try those out and and we'll see how she responds. And I'm hoping the maritime is her thing because it's my thing and we Can go together that would be great.

Speaker 2: 19:54

Yeah, that would be great.

Speaker 1: 19:55

Well, you know, we always hope. We always hope that our kids will do things that we hope that they'll do. But sometimes they just grow up and and they have different ideas and we have to sit back and just let them do what they want to do, because they're life, not ours.

Speaker 2: 20:11

Yeah, so we'll see how plays out. She gets older.

Speaker 1: 20:14

Yeah, that's, that's a good thing. So does she have any mood swings or anything along that line? Because your mother-in-law came up with something that was happening and Did she see something you might not have seen in in that?

Speaker 2: 20:27

I don't remember what it was exactly, but her behavior was just off. You know, like you, just you just know it when you see it. It's been such a long time I don't remember that. You know now, you know how does it present. She'll have meltdowns and she tries to express herself and you try to figure out what she wants and you just can't. And you know that the meltdowns is because they just get frustrated.

Speaker 2: 20:49

What's funny with the meltdowns is that I can be out in public now and I know when a kid's having a tantrum and when a kid's having a meltdown. You know meltdown is autistic and I can, I can just tell by the quality of the crying and the frustration Whether it's a normal, like neural, typical kid having, you know, a tantrum or whether it's an autistic kid having a meltdown. It's funny, like you know, you just get in tune with these things. But you know still, as parents, like you, try to figure out and you just can't. And then you know you feel bad because they're just getting frustrated, trying to make you understand and you just can't. So the way it presents now you know and this is very common with autistic kids is a just the meltdowns and you try to figure out what they want, and it's really hard.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Yeah, I can just imagine how hard it can be. So now you've got a six year old and a four year old. So when your six year old has a meltdown, how's your four year old handle that?

Speaker 2: 21:42

He doesn't react hard to it, but I can sometimes see a little bit of just uh. I don't know if it's fear or if it's just weighing on him and I'll go and I'll pick him up. Hey, it's okay. You know, your sister is just a little bit sad right now. So as he gets older, it'll be interesting to see how he, how he deals with that. And there's actually uh groups out there like support groups of teenagers that are like the siblings of autistic kids. So, you know, if he needs it it's different, but you know, it'll be interesting to see how, how this affects it. But I do think that it'll make the better person because, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:16

Yeah, that's great. I was talking with a person just the other day and he said that because of his autistic children, that he believes that it's made his family a better family. So now to switch gears just a little bit. I understand that you've written a book.

Speaker 2: 22:36

Well, I've actually written two books. One is about relocating with autistic children and the reason I wrote that is that when I Relocated back from Peru to Miami, I was like my lived experience with, you know, with with my family, so I wrote a book about that to help other parents. So there's checklists in there. It talks about air travel, car travel. I also wrote a book about renovating your home to be sensory friendly for your autistic kids.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Wow, that's great two separate books with two separate topics. So what led you to write this?

Speaker 2: 23:10

Yeah, and that's just. Uh, there's things that we've gone through in our own home about getting the house ready to have, you know, have kids in there so they don't kill themselves. So like, like the playroom got padded floors, padded walls, very neutral color, calming, pastel colors. So you know I talked about. And like child gates so they can't just walk around the house on their own. So you know, I've got books that cover that you know, of course they're all real estate related. That's my, that's my, my industry. So the two books I have out, oh, that's so good.

Speaker 1: 23:40

So have you got Good feedback? Like? I've heard a lot, of, a lot of authors that get feedback on on books. They write special when it's about autism. So what kind of feedback have you got?

Speaker 2: 23:51

Well, I think probably the most valuable part about the books is the checklist. People coming. Those checklists are awesome. So I have very lengthy checklists in both books about things to cover. You know and just make sure you do them you know, cross all your teas and on all your eyes.

Speaker 1: 24:03

Absolutely so where? Where can they find these books?

Speaker 2: 24:07

They're on Amazon. They're also on my website. On my website you can download the first three chapters of both books. So you go to Miami autism, dad calm, or you can go to Amazon and look them up there.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Oh, that's great. So how have they done on Amazon? Pretty good, I would imagine, because it's a great topic.

Speaker 2: 24:24

You know one of my books, the first book, the relocation book. That was number one for a while, then it dropped off.

Speaker 1: 24:30

That's awesome. I mean, that's just a great thing. You're doing really good things to help a lot of people and I'm sure that they're going to really appreciate it. So let's plug the books again one more time. What's the name of the first one?

Speaker 2: 24:42

It's the Autism and Special needs Family Relocation Blueprint.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Great. And the second one is Home renovations for autistic children.

Speaker 2: 24:51

So I mean, the title says what they're all about and, like I said, you can download the first three chapters on my website and the checklists are in there and you know, I think that people will get a lot of value out of those.

Speaker 1: 25:02

And the great thing is, I've met so many people that are doing exactly what you're doing. They're finding their niche and they're writing books and I believe that it's helping a lot of people. You're doing great work. So, in closing and I really appreciate you coming on this has been a great conversation, great ideas, great thoughts. Do you have anything that you'd like to share with us about your daughter that you think is just kind of special?

Speaker 2: 25:28

Well, it was a story I told you about earlier is that yesterday at the playground she was actually like interacting with another child and it was the first time I've seen because you know, like neighborhood kids will walk up to her and try to engage and she won't even look at them like they just don't exist. And yesterday, for the first time, she actually interacted like eye contact. You know what did the kid want, just looking at them. So it just gives me hope because you know before that I mean I would just tell you I'd never seen that behavior and now I saw it and so that's makes me happy.

Speaker 1: 26:01

Yeah, well, that's awesome. It's always nice to be able to sit back and look at your children and just have that nice warm and fuzzy feeling and have a smile, and we always need that sliver of hope to believe that things will be better. Yes, that's sliver of hope.

Speaker 2: 26:20

Yes, you know, like that's actually a very good point, tony is that you, as a parent or caregiver, you got to look for that sliver of hope. Absolutely, find it. Find it Because you know maybe another parent that might have happened and they might not have seen it, but maybe because I'm just looking for it and that little sliver that I went and I found, or I noticed that just it made my day, it just makes me hopeful. So I think that you know we as parents or caregivers is a little bit of a sliver of hope, because you know it's always there if you look.

Speaker 1: 26:50

Yeah, sure is. We just have to be open-minded enough to see it. And, with that said, I really appreciate the conversation that we've had. It's been really good with a lot of great information in it, and I appreciate you coming on.

Speaker 2: 27:06

Well, I wish you all the luck with that. With the podcast, it has been great having it. You know beyond what you showed us.

Speaker 1: 27:11

Yes, it's been great to have you here and I really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to listen to our show today. We hope that you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you. If you know anyone that would like to tell us their story, send them to TonyMantorcom Contact Then they can give us their information so one day they may be a guest on our show. One more thing we ask tell everyone everywhere about why Not Me, the world, the conversations we're having and the inspiration our guests give to everyone everywhere that you are not alone in this world.