Ep. 159: The Story I Told Myself That Kept Me Stuck

For a long time, I believed my life was already decided.

I thought my age, my responsibilities, and my circumstances meant this was just the way things were — and there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t miserable, but I was exhausted, burnt out, and quietly resigned.

In this episode, I share the moment that changed everything for me — not overnight, but at the core. As I approached 50, a simple question forced me to take an honest look at the story I was telling myself and the belief that it was “too late.”

We talk about caregiving, comparison, burnout, belief, and why change doesn’t start with a plan — it starts with the decision to question the story you’ve been living in.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, behind, or convinced that it’s too late for you, I want you to hear this:

The day I realized I could change my life wasn’t the day everything changed.
But it was the day anything became possible.

And the same can be true for you.

Transcript

A New Year, A New Belief

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome back to the Maybe I Can podcast. I'm your host, Debbie Weiss, and I really appreciate you being here. I'm excited about this episode. It's a story and a message that I've shared before, but at the beginning of a new year, it's important for me to talk about this again. If you were anything like I used to be, I thought it was too late for me. This is just the way my life was for whatever reason. And there's nothing that I can do about it. I wholeheartedly believed that. And maybe you're telling yourself a different story, but I want to share with you how I realized this is not the case. And regardless of your age, regardless of your circumstances, it is never too late to take control of your life. After all, this is my overall message. Because when I realized this, it was such a tremendous aha moment for me and so empowering. And that's exactly what I want for you. So I want to share kind of the arc of how this happened to me and how this can relate to you and your life. Let me take you back, probably about 13 or so years ago. I was about to turn 50. And, you know, I was at a place in my life where I don't want to say my life was awful because that would be such a lie. I had so many things to be grateful for, but it was very stressful. I'd been caregiving for decades. I was worried about my family and my team members at my office and my customers and pretty much everybody but myself. I was putting out fires left and right, and I found myself exhausted. You know, it was groundhog day. Wake up every day, do the same exact thing. Maybe there's a bright spot down the road, something on a weekend, something I was looking forward to. But otherwise, for the most part, it was just getting through. I felt like, what choice did I have? These were the circumstances that shaped my life. I was a caregiver since I was 17. I took care of my father. Then my oldest son at two was initially diagnosed on the autism spectrum and added a myriad of diagnoses after that. My husband at that time, I think I was starting to realize that he was also suffering from some form of mental illness. He also had a lot of physical illnesses, but at that point, he was still functioning. And I felt a sense of resignation, more than unhappiness. Just like, okay, this is the hand that I was dealt, and I am going to take care of my responsibilities. It is what it is. A lot of people have it a lot worse. I have nothing to complain about and just keep going. I have to say, if I'm being honest, I felt sorry for myself. I looked at some of my friends and family members and would compare myself and my life with theirs and think, why me? Why did I have all these extreme circumstances? Felt like it was just piled on top one after the other. And when I looked in their lives, I didn't see that. Sure, they had their struggles, but they just seemed to be short-lived things like we all have in life that come and go. And mine felt to be lifelong struggles. I wasn't walking around like a Debbie Downer saying to everyone, why bee? Why did this happen to me? But I gotta tell you, alone in those quiet moments, I kind of felt like I don't know why me. This is just my lot in life. And I've just got to figure out a way to get through. And then it was approaching my 50th birthday. And my friends insisted that we go away to celebrate for the weekend. And we went away. And I have to say, I really wanted to go, but I protested because I thought, how is my family going to survive without me? There were so many different things, and I had to leave so many instructions. I think at that time we only texted. Maybe it was expensive to make an international call because we actually went to Bermuda for the weekend. So I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not going to really be in contact with them. And blah, blah, blah. I had a whole story going on in my head. And then I met my friends at the airport. The laughter and the fun. Oh my gosh, I can remember making so much noise on the plane. Of course, my one friend was embarrassed because that's not her. The three of us were cackling and just carrying on. And it was sheer bliss. I don't think I could remember the last time I felt that way. When we were there, you know, people were asking me, Well, what do you want to do today? Or where do you want to eat? I was almost looking over my shoulder because it had always been about everybody else's needs and wants and desires. And I didn't even know how to answer that. One night we were sitting at dinner and the conversation turned a little bit serious. And the question was posed, what do you want with the rest of your life? What are your goals? What are your dreams and desires? And that kind of struck me like, what? I have no idea what my dreams and desires are. I knew I had dreams and desires for my kids, but I kind of felt like I'm 50. Isn't it done? Aren't my dreams done? This is my life. Again, not so bad. Where am I possibly going from here? I just gotta somehow be able to get myself to retirement, be able to afford to retire, and hopefully be healthy enough to enjoy my retirement. And so we went around the table and everybody shared their dreams. I shared that this is where I was, I was honest. That really got me thinking. Really did. And when I came back, I thought, now what? Is there a chance that my life could be different? I didn't know. But I knew that I wanted something to change. I didn't want to feel exhausted and burnt out and just flopping into bed and, you know, waiting for the weekend or the next fun event to be happy. Again, I just have to emphasize it's not like I was walking around terribly unhappy. You do not have to be miserable to want to change. As a matter of fact, now I know that we should all want to and constantly be evolving. And so I came back from the trip and I thought, oh gosh, all right, so I don't know if there's a possibility that I can change my life. Where the heck do I even start? I had no idea. And I thought to myself, okay, at that point I was a hundred pounds, maybe a little more overweight. If you've been listening to me for a long time, you know my weight has basically defined me. It's been a lifelong journey, struggle, the whole story. And obviously, I had over 100 pounds to lose. I'm not talking about an extra 20 pounds when I hit menopause. This was a lifelong struggle. And I realized that look, the one goal and desire that I did have was that I wanted to be there for my kids. I wanted to be there for my grandchildren. I wanted to be healthy and active. At that point in my life, I was not able to do that. And so even though I didn't know what my dream life was or any of those things, for me, I knew, okay, all the other things kind of hinge on my physical health, which in that time meant my weight. When I was 30, the weight was about how I looked. And when I was 50, it still was how I looked. But now as you get older, that health component, that longevity thing really kicks in. And I thought to myself, 50 years has basically flown by. How quickly are the next 50 gonna go? I just knew the one thing I did know for sure is that I did not want to be that person who got to the end of their life and looked back with regret, saying, Oh my gosh, this went so quickly, and there were things that I wanted to try or explore. And I never did that. I never allowed myself to because the bottom line was it was because of me. I was the one telling myself a story, telling myself that change wasn't possible, or that I didn't deserve it, or this is the way my life is, these are my circumstances, and there's nothing that I can do about it. Some circumstances, obviously, you have no control. I had no control over my husband later on in life getting terminal blood cancer. Like that was out of my control, right? But it was and still is always in my control as to how I respond to that circumstance in my life. That is me, and that is all you. I could name you all the things that were difficult that had caused my life to wind up where it was at 50. And I was telling myself, because of all these circumstances, I don't have a choice. This is just the way it is. And that is a lie that I told myself for over 50 years. And so, if that's you, and you might not realize it's you, right? Because I never realized, I guess I knew I was feeling sorry for myself, but I think the difference is that I never took a step back and examined what I was telling myself, how I was conducting my life. I was allowing external circumstances to control my life instead of me. And that was a mistake. And I gotta be honest, I didn't come back at 50 and be like, oh yeah, I figured this whole thing out. No, it's been a journey. But the great thing was that for me at 50, that was the catalyst to say, wait a minute, maybe my belief of there is nothing I can do, I'm too old, or with these circumstances, how could anything possibly change? Okay, so this is my life. There's a lot of things I am grateful for. This is just it. This is my lot in life, and there's nothing I can do about it. I believed that. And my life started to change when I changed that belief. When I looked at myself, realized that was the story I was telling myself, and then thinking, well, wait a second, maybe that's not the case. I started listening to different podcasts about mindset or reading inspirational stories of people who overcame different obstacles. And I realized if they did it, why can't I? And I would say the same to you because I know you can. Now I know that any of us can do it as long as we're able to take a long, honest look inside ourselves. That is really where my journey of personal development and exploring kind of what makes me tick on the inside and realizing that just because I thought it, just because I believed it, that doesn't mean that it's necessarily true. And the moment you start to really question yourself, honestly, it's very hard to think to myself, oh gosh, you mean the life that I've created is really because of me? And the answer is yes. And I love this quote, and I don't remember where I heard it's not exactly this, but the choice we make today is a vote for the person we're gonna be tomorrow. The decisions we make, every single decision. I don't even know how many thousands of little tiny decisions we make in a day, what color my socks are gonna be. What am I gonna eat for breakfast? Am I gonna work out? Should I call this person? All the things, all those choices. Because when you choose something, you're saying no to something else. You just have to be aware of it. When I realize no, I am responsible for my life. I have a choice. I don't need my circumstances to change. I need me to change. I need me to change the way I talk to myself, the way that I am not believing that something different was an option for me. It's always an option. And the beauty is when you realize that it's so empowering and it's exciting. It's like, okay. Now for me, I didn't know what I wanted. I started with the weight situation because that was right in front of me and obvious and something that I needed to address. I've talked about it before, so I'm not going to go into the story of how I addressed it, but I changed the way that I approached the problem, the problem being my weight, and the mindset that I had around it. Nothing changed overnight. I didn't suddenly have all the answers, but just being honest with myself, shifting my thoughts and taking one baby step, or of course, one sprinkle as I call it, in a direction that I was going to be happy with. For me, getting my weight in order. Then I went into mindset work. I got curious. I tried things and opened up my mind. I was closed-minded and I didn't even realize it. Each time that I learned something, it was empowering. It's like dominoes, right? You start something and it's so small. But then when that happens, you're like, oh, well, that's interesting. And that makes me feel good. So what else can I learn about myself? What other thing can I explore about me? And it gets to be exciting. And that journey alone changes everything. It doesn't mean that every choice, decision, path is going to be right. But it doesn't matter because once you change that belief, even if whatever avenue you go down is like, yeah, in the end, that's not for me, you've learned something, right? You've learned, okay, that's not for me. That's not the direction I want. I can check that off the list. You're always growing. Before 50, I was basically stagnant and allowing the circumstances of my life to dictate and drive the outcome of my life. And now I know it doesn't have to be that way. You don't need someone's permission. You don't need certain circumstances. Oh, once this happens, things will get easier and then I'll be able to start. How many times have you said that to yourself? No matter what it is that you're talking about, no matter what goal or desire. It's like, oh well, I need this to happen, or I'm too old. It's opening up your eyes to the possibility and realizing that doesn't come quickly. I mean, I hate to say it. You you've got to be in this for the long haul. But this is your life. Isn't that worth that's rhetorical? Of course it is. You just have to believe in the possibility that things can change. The belief comes well before the action. Because if you don't believe it, truly believe it, you can take an action. And let's just say, for whatever reason, that didn't work out. Well, if you don't change your belief, you're gonna say, see. I told her. She said that I could do it, but she doesn't understand my circumstances. That would have been something that I would have said to myself in the past. You don't need to have a plan, you just need to dart small and believe, truly believe that change is possible.making uh excuses about your age, the circumstances. It could be, you know, maybe this realization comes to you that things need to change or have to change or you want them to change, like me after caregiving, it could be after loss or divorce or middle age, or you're just burnt out. I was burnt out. Have you ever had a moment where you realize that you had a say in your life? If not, I hope that now is that moment. I've lived it, I've told myself all the stories. Don't wait for circumstances to change. Those circumstances might change, but guess what? This is life. Life is gonna throw you another curveball, and you'll say, See, now I can't do it because I've got this to worry about. Stop it. Be honest with yourself. Really listen to the stories that you are telling yourself. This year, it doesn't have to be the thing about you know, we've talked before about goals and resolutions and all these things. It doesn't have to be about this quick reinvention. It really needs to start with belief. And once I believed change was possible, the next question wasn't what to do. It was, where do I even begin? If that's where you are, just know that's a great place to be. Next week, I think I might talk a little more about that. Before I say goodbye, I want to tell you that one of the things that I'm going to do this coming year, every Tuesday, starting on the 13th of January at noon Eastern, I am going to go live on Instagram and just kind of talk about what's on my mind. No specific agenda. On the 13th, I am going to share with you how I changed my New Year's Eve habit for the last six years. I've made a vision board. And this year I've made a vision book binder instead of even though I'm only a few days in, I am loving this. So I want to share that with you and show you what's in my book and tell you how I did it. Please, there's no pressure to join. I just want you to know that I'll be starting Tuesday the 13th at noon, Instagram Live. So check it out. The day I realized I could change my life wasn't the day that everything changed. However, it was the day that everything and anything became possible. And this shift can be the same for you. It's not maybe I can, it's I know you can. Make it a great week, and I'll see you next time.