Ep. 175: When Staying Is Harder Than Leaving

In this episode of the Maybe I Can Podcast, I’m talking about something I had to face myself this week—why it’s so hard to do what we know is right for us… and why we still avoid it.

I share a few personal decisions I’ve been putting off for far too long and the real reason behind it—it wasn’t confusion. It was discomfort.

If you’ve ever stayed in a commitment that no longer fits, struggled to say no, or felt stuck even though you know what to do… this episode is for you.

We’ll walk through the hidden reasons we stay, the cost of not making a decision, and a simple way to get honest with yourself so you can move forward with clarity and confidence.

Because sometimes the next step isn’t about figuring it out…
 it’s about finally acting on what you already know.

Transcript

Welcome And The Real Question

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello and welcome back to the Maybe I Can Podcast. I'm your host, Debbie Weiss, and thank you so much for joining me today. As usual, every week when I try and decide what I want to talk to you about, I really give a lot of thought to what has happened to me personally this week or what's going through my mind and decide is that something that I can talk about that is universal to you and I. I certainly found it this week. And the message is why is it so hard to do what you know is right for you, but you don't do it? You think you're stuck maybe because you don't know what to do, but you're stuck because you might disappoint someone. There's a variety of reasons, and just like everything, it's being honest with yourself. Truly, truly honest. And as I was preparing to talk to you this morning, this came to me because I made some hard decisions this week, and I thought about this one thing, and let me tell you what that thing is. This is where sometimes saying it out loud to someone else helps bring clarity, and then also you're putting it out there so it's not just for you to spin thoughts in your own head. Okay, so here's the deal. I had a realization this week that in business there was a couple of things that I continued to do and to pay for that were making me struggle financially, not giving me a return, or certainly a return that made this investment profitable. And it's been two and a half years, and I kept telling myself, I'll give it another month, I'll give it another quarter. And that just kept going and going. And I finally had a realization that if I'm thinking like a businesswoman, I know what the answer is. It's just that I've been working with this person and his team for two and a half years. And I've been very loyal to him and he's been loyal to me. There's things that have gotten me frustrated, but I realized there's a certain time where even if it's uncomfortable, and it was uncomfortable, you've got to do it. And so I made that decision, and I contacted him and told him, thank you, but it's time to stop. And it was scary, and I did it via email because that's pretty much how our relationship is. And you know, that feeling when you open your email and you're waiting to hear back from someone and you're afraid what their reaction is going to be. I was pleasantly surprised with how understanding he was, and I really appreciated that. Simultaneously, I made another type of similar decision about an avenue that I was going to pursue in my business that I paid money for to have a mentor, and it had to do with book sales. And I realized, what am I doing? As a business person, I am not being intentional. I'm just grasping at straws. And so I had a 30-day guarantee to get my money back, and I emailed the same day saying, thank you so much, but no thanks. And I felt really, really good about it. And now I'm up to this honest confession realization, and I know the reason that I'm not quitting. And I want you to see if you see yourself in this story. So I've been volunteering for a wonderful, wonderful small organization that has struggled to grow. There's a nonprofit arm and a profit arm, and it's a women's networking organization. We support a local domestic violence charity and do fundraising together. I off and on have been involved for 15 years, and the founder is just so inspiring and doesn't stop, and she's hit one roadblock after another. I probably now, for five or six years straight, have been the treasurer of the local organization. And it's not a lot, it's really not a lot, but yet it is something else on my plate. And I'm scared to quit. And we'll talk about that. At the same time, I've been considering joining Toastmasters because I am a speaker, not just speaking to you, but speaking on stages, and you can always improve. And at Toastmasters, how do you improve? By practicing. And there it forces you to get up in front of people and practice and get feedback. So if any of this pattern sounds familiar, just know that you're not alone. It shows up in so many ways where we stick with something, maybe because we're loyal to that person. That is absolutely how I feel about my volunteer opportunity. Oh my goodness, has this ever happened to you? Because way back when, probably, oh gosh, 15 years ago, this was me all the time. I would say yes when I really wanted to say no. That has taken a lot of practice, awareness, and discomfort to try and stop that. Or maybe, like me, you are holding on to a commitment that really no longer fits into your life. Or maybe you want to start something new, but it feels uncomfortable, so you don't. We don't stay in these situations because it's necessarily the right thing to do for you. Maybe it is, but often we stay because it feels so much easier than leaving. And why is that? I don't want to disappoint anyone. I really don't. I know what it feels like to be disappointed. I think we all do. I know what it's like where someone quits, whether it's a volunteer thing or a business, and you're like, oh crap, what the heck am I gonna do? And it brings on a level of stress for you. And I don't want to do that for someone. Maybe it is a work thing. It's okay, I've always done this. This is what I am. I am just the treasurer for this organization, which I have been, like I said, probably off and on for at least 10 years or more. Or maybe you're thinking, what are people gonna think about me? Because am I being selfish by saying no, by saying that it just doesn't work for me anymore? Um are people gonna judge me? Or how about FOMO? Fear of missing out? What if I miss something? What if I quit this organization and something amazing happens and now I'm not a part of it? And lastly, I'd say it's comfortable. We all crave comfort and it's familiar, and this is just what I do, and I'm comfortable in this role, and I tell myself it's not that big a deal. It's not really requiring so much brain power. But on the flip side, I also know I don't need anything quote unquote extra right now. Sometimes we lie to ourselves and we say, I honor my commitments. This is all about commitment. But really, underneath, it could be these fears that are driving your decision of staying. But there's a cost to staying that I don't think we realize. We don't think about that often. And that includes it could be an energy drain, mental clutter. I'm thinking about being the treasurer. Honestly, I go to the meeting, that's two and a half hours or whatever it is. That's fine, once a month. And what I have to do at home for this treasurer thing, I mean, literally, I don't even think it's a half hour. So we're not talking about too much. And that's the story that I tell myself. But I'm not realizing that the cost of staying, this is an energy drain. This is one more thing that I need to address that is is going around in that swirl of my brain. In some cases, you might grow resentful. And you don't want that. You don't want to resent that person because you feel that they're forcing you to stay. You just have less space for what really matters to you, and you have less capacity to grow as a person because it's a time sucker. On the flip side, where does that leave me with Toastmasters, with starting something new? It's one more thing in my schedule, and I am trying to make this decision. And in a few minutes, we'll talk about questions that you can ask yourself of how to make that decision. Every yes you keep out of obligation is a no to something that might actually move your life forward. So when you say yes to something, you're also saying no to something else. And that to me, that really says a lot because it just reminds me, I'm not just saying yes to whatever this is. Because of that, I'm actually choosing to say no to other things. So the truth is, sometimes you think that you're confused, but I know what the answer is here. And I'm talking about this with you. Honestly, it can be very helpful to talk this out because you want to be honest with yourself. You want to be honest with someone else. And talking to you about it is just really giving me clarity that I know what I want to do. I'm not stuck because I'm confused. I just don't want to deal with the discomfort of doing what I already know is right. All right, so let's talk about the three question clarity check that you can use to help you when you're facing a decision like this. So if you're in something right now that just doesn't feel right, this is a simple way to think through it. Ask yourself these three questions. Question number one. If I weren't already in this or doing this, would I choose it today? That question makes you remove the whole guilt and the whole history and the whole thing. It's would I choose to do this again today? Question two, am I staying because I want to? Or because I don't want to disappoint someone? It forces honesty. You've got to answer these questions honestly. Otherwise, what's the point? This question, it separates the alignment with where you are and where you want to go in your life right now versus that obligation. And question number three: what is this costing me right now? Is it costing me time? Is it costing me energy or focus or just the emotional bandwidth? Or maybe I'm missing out opportunities that I would want to say yes to, but I can't because I've said yes to this. Now, if your answers are no to all of these, I wouldn't choose it today. To question two, because I didn't want to disappoint someone, for me, big yes there. And what is this costing me right now? And it is definitely costing me. This is not about quitting or failing or letting people down. This is really choosing where you currently are in your life, respecting what you have capacity for and what you want to fill your time with. It making space. Being on track with whatever you're on track is doesn't always mean doing more. Actually, sometimes it means doing less, but intentionally. You're hesitant to leave something that's misaligned, but you're also like me hesitant to start something that could help me. What's stopping me? Is it that I'm uncomfortable? Growth often sits, and I don't even think it's often. I feel like it's always. It sits on the other side of discomfort. So what can you do right now? You don't need to decide everything today because that's overwhelming, but you can take one step. Maybe for you, it's right the email that you would send, just like I sent some emails this week. And boy, when I press send, I was shaking, but then I was proud of myself. You can give yourself a decision timeline and hold yourself accountable. Maybe you have something that you're thinking about, but you don't want to make that decision today. How about a week from now? How about 30 days from now, whatever that is? Say let me think about it instead of yes. Oh my goodness, that was something I never allowed that. And now I see that when I was asked to volunteer for something, I would just automatically say yes because I wanted to, I had FOMO, I was honored that they asked me, I didn't want to disappoint someone. And when I learned the idea that by saying yes, I was saying no to other things. This was a tool that I used because just saying yes was so automatic for me. And so instead, say, let me think about it. Let me think about it. And I'm very aware now when I ask other people for something, maybe it's a volunteer situation, that's what I'm really thinking about. How many times have they said to me, I don't know if I had the time, let me think about it, you know, let me talk to my spouse, whatever it is. And I always am so reflective when someone gives me that answer, and I'm really so impressed how they honor their boundaries. The other thing you can do, like I'm doing with you, is talk the whole decision through with someone. Clarity is not really the problem, at least in my case, but acting on it is. And after you and I had this discussion, I know what I need to do. I do. And I'm telling you, I'm going to do it this week. I am. So if you're holding on to something that doesn't fit, just notice it. Or if you're avoiding something that might help, notice that too. Sometimes moving forward isn't about adding something new. It's really about the courage to let something go. You don't need more clarity. You need the courage to act on the clarity you already have. Okay, that's what I got for you for today. Thank you so much for listening. I certainly hope it's inspired you to take a good look, good honest look at some decisions that you might be facing and answer those three questions. Okay, make it a wonderful week, and I'll see you all back here next week.