Discovering self-worth beyond the scoreboard, Marc Paisant joins us this week to share the victories and struggles of intertwining mental health with physical fitness. As a former collegiate athlete and now a dedicated personal trainer, Marc delves into the harsh realities of competitive sports and the silent battles with identity and self-doubt that so many of us face, regardless of how 'normal' our lives appear. Our conversation is a candid and moving exploration of authenticity, the courage to seek therapy, and the art of setting boundaries to maintain mental well-being amid today's relentless pace of life.
The journey to self-improvement often begins with a single step, and for many, that's acknowledging the full spectrum of our emotions. Our paths to self-awareness are as unique as we are, and in this episode, we encourage embracing both our limits and the quieter achievements that shape who we are. Whether it's tuning out the noise of the world or recognizing the impact of our behaviors on our children's futures, we provide insights for listeners looking to navigate the complexities of modern parenting and personal growth.
As the final whistle blows on this heartening discussion, we reflect on the challenges and rewards of coaching youth sports. Marc's approach to nurturing young athletes' enjoyment and confidence over competitiveness resonates deeply with anyone playing a role in a child's life. The impact of our collective experiences is felt as we raise our glasses to Marc's enlightening presence and extend our gratitude to you, our listeners, for joining us on this ride through life's MiddlenAgeish moments. Your engagement and suggestions continue to fuel our passion for bringing these conversations to the airwaves. Cheers to a journey of discovery, empathy, and the pursuit of a balanced, joyful existence.
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MARC, CLICK HERE
Connect with us!
Visit our website: https://www.middleageish.com
Instagram: @middleageish
TikTok: @middleageish
Facebook: @middleageishpodcast
YouTube: @middleageishpodcast
Twitter: @middleageishpod
Discovering self-worth beyond the scoreboard, Marc Paisant joins us this week to share the victories and struggles of intertwining mental health with physical fitness. As a former collegiate athlete and now a dedicated personal trainer, Marc delves into the harsh realities of competitive sports and the silent battles with identity and self-doubt that so many of us face, regardless of how 'normal' our lives appear. Our conversation is a candid and moving exploration of authenticity, the courage to seek therapy, and the art of setting boundaries to maintain mental well-being amid today's relentless pace of life.
The journey to self-improvement often begins with a single step, and for many, that's acknowledging the full spectrum of our emotions. Our paths to self-awareness are as unique as we are, and in this episode, we encourage embracing both our limits and the quieter achievements that shape who we are. Whether it's tuning out the noise of the world or recognizing the impact of our behaviors on our children's futures, we provide insights for listeners looking to navigate the complexities of modern parenting and personal growth.
As the final whistle blows on this heartening discussion, we reflect on the challenges and rewards of coaching youth sports. Marc's approach to nurturing young athletes' enjoyment and confidence over competitiveness resonates deeply with anyone playing a role in a child's life. The impact of our collective experiences is felt as we raise our glasses to Marc's enlightening presence and extend our gratitude to you, our listeners, for joining us on this ride through life's MiddlenAgeish moments. Your engagement and suggestions continue to fuel our passion for bringing these conversations to the airwaves. Cheers to a journey of discovery, empathy, and the pursuit of a balanced, joyful existence.
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MARC, CLICK HERE
Connect with us!
Visit our website: https://www.middleageish.com
Instagram: @middleageish
TikTok: @middleageish
Facebook: @middleageishpodcast
YouTube: @middleageishpodcast
Twitter: @middleageishpod
Welcome to the Middle-Age-ish podcast, authentically and unapologetically, keeping it real, discussing all things middle-age-ish, a time when metabolism slows and confidence grows. Join fashion and fitness entrepreneur Ashley Badosky, former Celtic woman and founder of the Lisa Kelly Voice Academy, lisa Kelly, licensed psychologist and mental health expert, dr Pam Wright, and highly sought-after cosmetic injector and board certified nurse practitioner, trisha Kennedy-Roman. Join your host on the journey of Middle-Age-ish.
Speaker 2:Hi there and welcome to another episode of Middle-Age-ish. I'm your host, lisa Kelly, and I'm joined tonight by my co-host, ashley Badosky, trisha Kennedy-Roman and Dr Pam Wright. Tonight we are so excited to speak with our guest, marc Paisante. Marc is a former collegiate athlete who uses physical fitness to assist with mental health. He's a certified personal trainer and the host of the relatively normal podcast I love that name, I do, it's so good and the 6am run podcast. That's something I've never done, though, but anyway, my favorite part about your podcast was focusing on the open discussion about coping with anxiety, adhd and depression and how to manage those symptoms and diminish the stigma that surrounds mental health. Welcome to Middle-Age-ish, marc. We're very excited to speak to you.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here and I appreciate the invitation.
Speaker 2:Your podcasts were just great. I spent the last two days immersed in the how. We all have spoken about how relaxing your voice is. I know you have this beautiful voice. That's probably excuse-. Do you sing?
Speaker 3:No, no, you don't Well hold on. Let me take it back.
Speaker 1:I feel like there's a story there. Hold on.
Speaker 3:I sing poorly to Tampere's my Children. That's what I do.
Speaker 2:I don't believe that. The sound is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, your timing and everything. I was like, oh, yeah, you are very calming music to my ears, so would you like to tell everybody your story?
Speaker 3:Oh, my story that is. You know it. I'd like to preface it by saying that at no point in my story does like something horrific or tragic or so traumatic that you're like oh yeah, I definitely like see where that guy gets XYZ from or why he feels this way. Or, you know, I grew up literally in a house probably 20 to 25 minutes from where I am right now in North Cross, georgia. I was born in New Orleans, thus the French last name and part of a set of twins. My brother, michael, is an able officer.
Speaker 3:I have an older sister and we, you know, we grew up in a just a normal suburban household with my dad leaving for work every day and my mom taking care of my brother and I, and then when we got old enough, she went to work, and part time that turned to full time and we played sports and you know it's like, oh, outside looking in, families got it together and we did.
Speaker 3:For the most part we did. Sister was very protective of her little brothers and even though before teenagers we were taller than her, we're still her little brothers, and I'm six, five and my brother is the same height and we were always tall, always had people assuming that we're older than we were. But you know, looking back, being a twin, people always say that must be great, that must be awesome. Like you guys, you have a forever friend, which I do. Like, I love my brother and I think it was great to grow up as a twin. He was naturally gifted in ways that I wasn't. I mean. Thus, he's a nuclear engineer and a naval officer. So, you guys, whatever assumption you have he's, he's extremely smart and he was extremely stubborn and stoic and got his way and and I was the hey, I'm going to make everybody laugh.
Speaker 3:I'm going to be the center of attention. I'm going to schoolwork, yeah, I mean it's important, but I mean it'll, it'll come around. And you know, we both went to play in college for soccer. And you know, at that point is where my story really starts, because I was thrown into a group of young men where every one of us was the best in our team.
Speaker 3:Some of us were the best in the state, some of us the best in the region, some of us the best in the country, and I always looked at sports as like I'm going to have fun, like these are my friends, like if I'm good, that's great, I'm going to work hard. But I got thrown into a group of guys that literally ate, drank, slept, slept, studied. Everything was soccer, everything was soccer. And the only reason that my roommate and I became so close is because we both came to agreement that we don't want to live with soccer guys. Like the last two and a half years of college, everybody was like, hey, we're going to live together, we're going to live there. And Andy, you know, my best friend in college like hey, I don't, I don't want to live with any of these guys. It's like, yeah, I, I nothing against them, I'm friends with a bunch of them. But it was just too intense and I think at that point I started to wonder was I built for this? Like was, is there something wrong with me? Like I started to really doubt my skills, doubt my just. Everything about me. Was the happy go lucky personality just a mask? Was it me trying to cope with something. You know, I'm always pushing these feelings to the back.
Speaker 3:I tried to be someone that I wasn't for the longest time, and that was the part that's that bugged me for the longest time. It really did, because I've always been a person that's like be authentic, be true to yourself. And I know everybody was probably thinking that you know, I'm my young, 20s and he's, he's trying to find himself and he's just figuring out what's going on. But, looking back, there were some things in my, my life that I, I was putting to the side. I, I, I wasn't focusing on, wasn't prioritizing, and the biggest thing was me, like, I am an overly empathetic person and I will give you the shirt off my back. I will do anything for you. I will wake up at any time of the day or night to come. I would do anything for anyone else, but I wouldn't do any of those things for myself. I thought I wasn't worthy of it. I thought I, I I can't tell you where that thought came from, but for the longest time I was in a hate, to be cliche pouring from an empty cup. That's what I was doing. So through my 20s, I'm gaining a lot of weight. I'm finding a lot of comfort in food, finding a lot of comfort in drinking, finding a lot of comfort in snacking, not eating right, not taking care of myself, end up getting fired from a job. That was absolutely the worst fit for me At a certain point I talk about it all the time where I was driving on a highway late at night and I just wanted to to veer my truck into oncoming traffic Like I literally just wanted to do that, and the thought in my head was like, if I do this, like someone has to listen, like someone has to ask Mark what's wrong and thank goodness I didn't do it.
Speaker 3:That started the second part of my therapy journey and really got me to start to think about what was important. Was it my work? Was it my family? Was it my friends? Was it the money I made? Was it any of that? And it's like wait a second, you put it together. It's like you're the common denominator of all those things Like making money, having friends, having a job, starting a family. Like you can't, you can't do any of those things without yourself.
Speaker 3:So that kind of start got me into this area where I'm in, where at certain points in my life I would work on my physical fitness and kind of, ah, forget about what was happening upstairs. Other parts I would go to therapy, mindfulness, meditation and kind of let myself go and it's like wait, I think I'm starting to see something connected here. And you know, I started running. I'm running a lot and I tell people all the time like I would run to, of course, for health reasons, fitness reasons, but I'd also run for stress relief and I'd run, but the wrong time I'd run to go away from it.
Speaker 3:Whenever something happened at work I was stressed go for a run, forget about it. Everybody kind of says that so or run. A lot of runners say that. But then I come home and I'd be like man, I still got to deal with this and I made just a little shift.
Speaker 3:It is probably two, two years ago, three years this wasn't that long ago where I was like I'm going to run to figure this out, I'm going to lean into it, so and what would happen in in, instead of me not thinking about it or attempting to not think about it on my run, I would think about it and then I come home with like 100 different ideas and feeling refreshed and feeling rejuvenated and it just kind of clicked for me that I can combine the two and that's kind of just led me to where I am Today. And of course, in there there's podcast and there's families and there's moving and there's all that stuff. So it's uh, it's just me again like go back in that story and Tell me where, like you'd pick out. Oh, that was terrible. I mean, I'm not gonna say anything was terrible, I'm just gonna say like I I had to find myself and start prioritizing myself and I'd rather I wouldn't do it any other way.
Speaker 4:Was it difficult? I would just I'm making an assumption, but as a man, as an athlete to Go to say you wanted to go to therapy? At his picture you know being big and tough and you know having to realize that I need to ask for help in getting therapy. Was that difficult, in that position, for you?
Speaker 3:It yeah, yes and no, like generally, that question is, it is, is a yes, like that's. But I, I remember it was difficult for me to stay in that space and not do something like, because I, just I, I Never in my life had I hated going to soccer practice. Never in my life had I hated like being around, like I Wasn't playing. Well, mentally I wasn't there. And I remember there was.
Speaker 3:This is during spring season, so it's not the full season.
Speaker 3:Soccer and college is a Is a fall, winter season, so when spring hits we have just not as many practices in just a couple games. And I remember I was leaving one practice a week about 30 minutes early, and usually guys would leave once or twice to go to a physical training or physical therapy or go to a doctor's appointment or they had to talk to a teacher, whatever. I was leaving constantly, like three weeks in a row. And finally, my goalkeeper, coach Todd Bramble, who's up at George Mason now. He said he said you know, pays out, let me talk to you real quick. And I was like, hey, he's like I, you're going to the doctor again. And I like looked around me and I was like I'm going to therapy. He was like okay, no problem, go ahead and go, and I and, and I think, if it would have been my head coach God rest his soul it would have been a different conversation great but but to answer your question, like at that point I was so like Deep in a dark place who were nothing really.
Speaker 3:I was numb, I was absolutely numb, so nothing was tough or difficult or hard. I was like just dragging myself through life.
Speaker 2:It must be really hard, though, going to therapy feeling like that, when you Can't describe why you feel that way. Like you said, it wasn't, like there was a big event in your life. I mean, that's that's. That's always been a question of my, like you know, going to therapy like what? How do you talk about your feelings if there hasn't been something that triggers it, or if you don't know what's triggered the problem in you?
Speaker 3:that and that I love that question because it People need to understand and this is why I do what I do and talk about. The way I talk about it is that there's always this like negative connotation, or like when we picture therapy, when we see them. A great example is like, even if in shows like the Sopranos, like you see therapy and it's like okay, he has to go in there and talk all this and it's she's like psycho analyzing him, and then other times you see it where it's a dark, deep place and all we talk about is these negative feelings. It's like no, we have to. We have to change that perception because Please like this is not what how therapy works.
Speaker 6:people are like, yeah, delay down, are you gonna turn the lights? Why aren't you writing anything? And I'm like cuz that's not what real therapy is it's so?
Speaker 3:you're so right though. That's like the misnomer and you know, the funny part about it is, people will be like you know what? I had a good day today. I don't think I'm gonna go to therapy today.
Speaker 5:It's like no, no, no, no, you go how you had a good day because of therapy.
Speaker 6:Yes, so true.
Speaker 3:It's like when we talk about mental health, it's like, no, like the feelings we have aren't just depression, anxiety, like we have joy, we have happiness, we have, you know, there's, there's I mean it's a spectrum of these emotions and if we just like give all of our attention To the ones that we think are bad or not, not productive or unproductive, or then we're not doing ourselves, we're literally placing all the importance of priority on the ones that we quote-unquote, hear about that are bad. And it's like. You know, I appreciate as much of the rain clouds as I can, because that makes me appreciate the sunshine that much more.
Speaker 6:Yeah, so true.
Speaker 4:I'm impressed that, just as a young man and busy with sports and college, that you had the mindset to know you needed to go to therapy.
Speaker 3:I know the self-awareness of that that that's something and I will be a thousand percent honest with you. I have no idea why I went to this day. I don't know why I walked in. We had a health and human services building at Clemson. That's where I went to school and we yeah, I'd walk by it a couple times to go to class and you know kids would go in To get you know, you know, go see a doctor for cold antibiotics, things like that it was.
Speaker 3:There was a actual doctor in there too, and I must have walked in with somebody one day and saw therapy or saw somebody there to speak, because you know, I knew a little bit about it because, being an empathetic child in in middle school I don't know if you ladies had this, but we had a program where kids could sign up to learn about how to talk to other kids who were going through things. So whenever there was like a God forbid something bad happened to somebody at the school or their parents you know my middle school we had one of the students there, their parents was their, their store was robbed and unfortunately her mother was was killed in that, and so kids had trauma. So you would set up that this counselor couldn't talk to 15 kids at once, and really so they would have kids come and learn and how to you know, listen to other children and kind of work off of them. And so I was one of those children. I was one of those six, seventh or eighth graders that did that and I really found an appreciation for just the art of listening and the art of like I don't have to say anything or solve your problems for you, like I don't have to do that, it's actually better if I don't.
Speaker 3:But I Again I can't tell you what made me do that. However, the first time I went in there and I remember talking like I'm talking to you in my head, I'm like, okay, when's he gonna butt in? Like, when's he gonna say something? When's he gonna fix my wins? He, okay, you're turn it. And he just listened intently and I was like this, this feels really Awkward, but good, it's like he's the. Like I'm telling them I don't really like going to school, I don't like playing on the soccer team, I want to quit, I want to do this. And I'm just waiting for him to be like no, don't quit, don't. Look, everybody else would do. You know, right, it's just sat there and listened and I'm like, okay, I'm coming back next week.
Speaker 5:Yeah but I still say that the self-awareness at that age Because I think that that's one of the things that people struggle with the most, even at our age, is you know, no, it's gonna be fine, I'm good, it's just a bad day. But to have the self-awareness to say, no, I want better, I want to do better, be better, but I need help, I mean, that just takes it takes such courage to Do that and to do it at such a young age. I think is is amazing.
Speaker 4:I think you, I think you know, I think your podcast is amazing, but I like how you really normalize that it's okay to me to ask for help, that it's right to have anxiety. Because you don't you. Nothing really traumatic did happen. You and you're not, you know you wouldn't look at you and think, okay, you know he needed therapy right.
Speaker 4:I think that so many people just have it. It's hard for them to reach out and get that help and I think it's just great how you normalize that gosh. We all, we all could use help here and there and you know we all can suffer from anxiety and depression and you don't have to have had some major life event to have you know those issues.
Speaker 2:And I think the world is hard enough these days, though, as well. So, even if you don't have triggers or things that happen to you, just Existing in this world, especially in the last couple of years, has just been so hard for everybody, so hard on everyone.
Speaker 3:That's. That's the thing about it is that if, if all of us are going through it or going through something, why? What I'll tell you right now, I I am a very pragmatic, simple thing. It's just how my brain likes it. My brain likes Things to be simple, me to simplify, it, be pragmatic.
Speaker 3:And I always think to myself like, if I'm going through this, like I'm sure a Lot more, people are too yeah and I said, okay, if the six foot five, 235 pound black man is up here talking about his feelings and emotions, somebody else can be like, well, if that guy did it and and everybody's cool with it, right, like then I can do it too. And I just I, you know, because I came from a place where I I didn't, I never felt comfortable talking about these things Until the first and this is gonna sound silly until the first time I actually did it and it was like, oh, that, that's what that's like to open up, I don't know what, what's that? I must, this, must be something. And it turns out the whole time it was me just being vulnerable, right, and you know it's. It's one of those things where we make things that are truly simple and again, I'm a simple thinker, I'm a practical, like me. Things are truly simple.
Speaker 3:I get hurt, I hurt my knee, I go to the doctor, I get what at prog, you know as a death of my family. Oh, this is the time I should really hold all this in and just, and it's like no, like, no, like this. Remember the knee, like the knee thing you were cool with going out, like this is the same process, but you just can't see it, and that's what I understand. That's what makes it so tough. But I'm just trying to normalize everything about this and make sure that people just feel comfortable. I'm the person that if we're all getting together and we're all in the same room and no one knows each other and I know that feeling of small talk and that just awkwardness I'm the one jumping right into it because I'm like, okay, I gotta do it. I gotta do it because if I put myself out there, everyone else is gonna start to feel more comfortable. Because that's just that's my nature.
Speaker 4:I was gonna say I love everything you're saying. You can hear your empathy and because you're worried you know, always worried about the other person I could tell you. But with what you're doing with your podcast, with talking about that, it's pretty cool. You're always considering everyone else's feelings.
Speaker 6:The world needs more empathy, I think that that's the trend that I see in my practice now is that people will come in and bring their kids and bring their elderly parents or people that they're worried about, but they don't come themselves and you can tell while they're talking to you that oh, my son's going through this or my daughter, and you can tell so badly they need to be there themselves, but they're the last person. That's almost like, well, when everybody else gets fixed, then I'll come in for me, and I think in middle age a lot of people don't do that. They're thinking so much about their parents or their children that that's kind of the last case scenario. But honestly, them getting well helps everyone else to get better too.
Speaker 3:So I had this conversation with one of my good buddies. I won't mention his or her. Well, I guess I said that's okay.
Speaker 6:That's okay, we won't tell.
Speaker 3:But I remember and he and I have very open and honest conversations and I really appreciate that about him. But he called me one day and I could tell he was frustrated and he started to complain about certain aspects of his life, including his relationship and his kids and just things that were all over the place. And I let him talk and finally I was like, hey, quick question, what are you doing, like, what are you doing for yourself? Well, no, that's not my purpose in life. I need to give and give and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, hey, I understand how you were raised in your faith and all that stuff and you want to be.
Speaker 3:I understand all that, but just seriously, what part of your day do you spend on yourself? What part of your day do you basically spend refilling your cup? We're just gonna see this from different perspectives. That's not my purpose in life. And I had to kind of I respect him, like I respect him, but I told him I was there, like I was that person and as, like the moment I turned it around and like said Mark comes first. And I know people who, even hearing this right now, is gonna think, oh, that's selfish, like that's not the way. It's absolutely not selfish and a lot of people need to hear that they can prioritize their own health physical health, mental health, emotional health, all that stuff and it's gonna help every other relationship in their life.
Speaker 2:How do you balance that with your kids? So, like I was listening to those podcast, one of your episodes and you were talking about, you know how it's okay to not be okay and all the rest, which I absolutely agree with. How do you find the balance, though, of not allowing people to kind of wallow in it, because I know like I'm super empathetic too and I can listen for days, but eventually I just wanna go oh my God, get over it.
Speaker 2:I know that's not the worst thing to possibly say, or, oh my God, it's not that bad. You know and I think that's inherent in my nature too I want everybody to be happy. I don't want people to wallow in their feelings and, like listening to what you were saying, I felt really bad. I was like, oh my God, I'm probably so guilty of trying to put people in a good mood or give them totally unsolicited advice. You know, how do? You balance? Where do you find the balance with people?
Speaker 3:This is. That's gonna sound horrible. It's gonna sound terrible, but I'm gonna say it. I stopped caring.
Speaker 5:I literally stopped caring. I have to, yeah.
Speaker 3:And what I mean by that is.
Speaker 6:I remember Are you Irish. Thank you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, of course. Yeah, but I remember like I used to care what people thought about me. I used to always want to leave a good, lasting impression. I always cared about making people happy, going out of my way to it, and it's like and so all that was leading me to was literally like just fatigue, frustration, not taking care of myself, and like, and it got to the point where you know, in the political and socioeconomic climate that we're in, everything is thrown at you from different sides 24 hours a day. And I was like, yeah, I'm upset about that, yeah, I'm cool with that. This makes me mad.
Speaker 3:And and it's like I got to a point where it's like does any of this really affect me? Does any of it? And I think that is a question that a lot of us can ask ourselves and really be honest with that answer Like, does any of this? And this kind of makes my sister upset a little bit, because she'll she'll come to me and be upset about something that you saw on the news cycle or are in the, in the paper, on a page online, and I'll just have this response like, okay, cool, and I don't mean to be cold, I don't mean to be anything like that. I've just that's just my response. Now that's just how I've kind of, you know, trained myself, because if it doesn't have to do with my family, my money or like me or like the friends who I really care about, that I'm not going to really put that much emphasis on it. And it sounds terrible, but like I'm, we're raising two girls that are 10 and eight. Like tell me that's not 23 and a half hours of 24.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 5:I apologize, I gotta prioritize.
Speaker 3:It's like, mark, we need you, like, we need you to care about this. I'm like, wait a second, hold on. Nope, I got my. I got to go coach, I got to go help them and you know, and I figure, as they see me making this transition where hey, daddy's taken care of himself, daddy's taken care of us, that that's that's what we wanted, like, we want to be like like like all now, if I was away constantly and hey, girls, I got to do this, I got to do that, I'm not gonna. I got to make sure this person is taken care of. And they see me just, absolutely in, just sweating and fatigued and all over the places. I can't do something for all. And that was me like I wanted to do everything for everybody, because they and people take advantage of that. Unfortunately, they take advantage that for sure. They know that, any situation they're in.
Speaker 3:Hey Mark, can you come get me? Hey Mark, can I borrow some money? Hey Mark, can you, can you work this day for me? Hey Mark, can? It's like yeah, of course I can. Yeah, of course this person is gonna like me. I'm gonna get that. My boss is gonna see what I'm doing. I'm gonna get this raise, I'm gonna get this promotion and and yeah, blah, blah, blah and it's like no, you're not. So to answer your question like I, boundaries is not even the word anymore. It's like it's. It is like it's like a.
Speaker 3:You know the yellow tape around my mental health around around around my my, I call it protecting my peace, and I mean, do I fall out of it sometimes, of course? And I and I and I find myself in that space and I say, oh it, monkey brain, you got me again like you got me again, but we're coming back.
Speaker 2:I don't eat myself up.
Speaker 6:Yeah, it's funny how people say, oh wow, just watching the news or all the political stuff, it just makes me so upset and so depressed and you're like Okay, then you need boundaries. Don't watch Like it's like why are you watching every?
Speaker 5:time. I know because you just answered your own question. Like you're saying, oh my god, I'm so stressed. Why are you stressed? Because I'm watching the news. Then don't watch the news, wow.
Speaker 6:And things they can't control, like there's a set of out things that they can't do anything about. Just like you said, you have to put boundaries around your time, what you invest your energy in, what you listen to, what you see and what's really important in your life. And those are the main focuses, or they should be the main focus.
Speaker 4:I can't remember as a previous guest or someone else I heard, but I've really tried to apply that this year and it's you know, will this matter. Five minutes for now. Five days right years from now if it's not going to matter long term. I've really gotten much better this year, just brushing it off.
Speaker 3:That was. That was I asked my sister. I don't really do New Year's resolutions, but I said I told my sister. I was like, hey, can you just do one thing for me? Like one thing like I'm just I don't ask much of you, I'm her trainer, so we go out and but I was like, can you do one thing for me? I was like, can you not let outside forces bring you down? Is there possibility? You can not let external people, forces, whatever, put you in a bad or sour mood, Like you control that. That's all I'm asking of you.
Speaker 6:We haven't talked about it since she's not talking to you now, mark's like but I'm still positive.
Speaker 5:I'm in a positive mindset that she's listening and she's put a boundary around you. She's like, no, she's put you in like the caution to hear it, but it is so true.
Speaker 6:Are like things that you can't control. Is such a such a lesson to be learned about things that you stress about Like can you even really control or have any say in that?
Speaker 5:And sometimes you can, but it does, but it takes that mental awareness to stop yourself. Because I do think, just as humans, and like Mark was saying, we're bombarded with just negativity and all this stuff. Like you feel like you're being made to be pulled down. But to have, like the, the mental afforded to, to just have that pause button, yeah, and literally, like you know, sometimes you can just visualize it, like, just visualize that pause button, hit it and then, if you just give yourself a couple moments to kind of reset before you go down the rabbit hole of chaos, it does make a big difference.
Speaker 5:And I think that that's, you know, that's something that so many people need to hear because, like we were talking about, the world is a little negative and whether it's social media not even just the news and all of that stuff, but just what we see on social media, it is, it does have a tendency to be geared towards negativity, whether it's internal thoughts, external thoughts, and, like you were saying, just to hit the pause button and kind of just instantly pivot your thought process back to positive, those little things, I do think it's a good step in the right direction. I mean, I know for myself personally, like that's how I've had to, like try and focus on, you know, turning away from all of that stuff. That's true.
Speaker 3:It could be, it could be time. I mean, we're talking about life changes and for people. We're talking about doing the exact opposite for some people. And but you know when, when I look back at my life and and I think about the arguments or disagreements or just bad you know places I've been in with with some of my relationships with that'd be family or friends, and the screaming, the yelling and the all that stuff, and and then you look back and you're like the whole time that really wasn't that serious, it really wasn't that.
Speaker 3:You don't know it in the moment and I'm not telling people not to feel feelings like don't, I'm not saying that at all, but there is kind of this, this thought, that people always, I always have to like stick up for myself and defend my I have to be, you know, make sure they understand my point of view. And I really, really again that's I tell people all the time when, when I I come to you know I've done career days and I've done I've talked to you know Howard University to talk about you know one of their business institutes, when, when I was there talking about the insurance world and and I've given lectures or speeches on in regard to mental health and sports, and one of the things I always lead with is like you don't have to listen to a word. I say you don't have to care. Like I am not, I am like Mark pays on and that's it. Like you, I wish that you get something from this. I hope you get something from this, but don't put pressure on you, because what I see all the time is somebody will be in a dark place or someone will be unhealthy, some be unfit, overweight, whatever it is, some somebody wants to change something and they will just attach to something. They will attach to. Oh, this is the first video I saw this person wasn't healthy. Now they're healthy. Oh, first video I saw this person was depressed, or they say they were and now they're.
Speaker 3:I'm going to do exactly what this person did. And what happens is that you get to day two and you don't kind of agree with it, but it's like no, I said I was going to do it, this is, this is the thing I'm sticking to and I really want people to really go out and just find themselves, like really just find themselves. And because I was, I want to be, I want to be this star soccer player, I said I'm gonna do what this person is doing. And I was like I, okay, do I do it? Do I not do it?
Speaker 3:Are you getting that mental turmoil? And it's like you listen to half of what I say, listen to some of what I say, listen to none of it, say I don't want to listen to mark I like that does not affect me, like I've been through it mentally and physically. I'm just. That's why I tell people all the time like I am not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm none of that. I am just a person who's been through it, and I'm just talking about my experiences. If I can help one person, then I am the happiest person in the world.
Speaker 2:Do you still coach soccer I?
Speaker 3:I do, I my both. My daughter is not playing Academy team, so they, yeah, they. I don't coach. I don't coach them now, but I do one-on-one soccer coaching. I'm lucky, I'm I yeah, I have a few high school kids right now that I train that are Gonna go and most likely play in college and and I tell people all the time like I don't, I don't train Technical ability, I train confidence.
Speaker 6:It's a big difference yeah.
Speaker 2:I do, because it's everything, it really is if you have the confidence to do it, the technical ability will come. The talent Doesn't always come, but the technical ability will come, oh yeah, yeah, it's all come.
Speaker 4:Yes, lisa's building up for you to sing here.
Speaker 5:And you're gonna be right.
Speaker 2:Give you the confidence to do it. Mark, that's okay.
Speaker 3:This is my podcast Mike singing Mike is.
Speaker 5:Mark, let's just see how far you've come.
Speaker 6:So Good, though, that you don't coach your kids teams, because many nightmares about that kind of oh no well.
Speaker 3:So here's the thing like I, I coached my oldest daughter. I coached her in soccer, I think three seasons, and I coached her in basketball for two. She's she's the one that literally like, if you throw a ball at her, she's like let's just go do. Like, whatever it is football, basketball, so let's go do it. And the other one is she just plays soccer right now, but she's very good. She's just like so she's our little princess. She's like she's bigger and stronger than everybody. But it's like oh, if I knock you down, let me pick you. I'm like oh, I like don't ever lose that.
Speaker 4:Don't ever lose that.
Speaker 2:But we got a score yeah it's such a hard balance when it goes to sports.
Speaker 3:I'm like oh, but I love, love, love youth coaching, because I think there's I forgot the show is on, but there is this there's a lot of coaches want. I've coached like really good teams where it's like we should win every game. I've coached the team that like doesn't win any games and I've coached. But I think most coaches need to really focus on that middle ground, like that's where like don't even try to get to that 10 and no 12 and no whatever perfect season, whatever, like no one remembers. No one remembers and I apologize Like there's no tournament that an eight year old can win that's going to set them up for life. I apologize, I'm sorry, it's true, but it's.
Speaker 6:I don't know if you've seen this, though, but some parents who, just they have to live vicariously through their kids, and I tell them Now, that's the biggest nightmare. So many of my like people and adolescents and even children in sports.
Speaker 6:They'll be like I really don't want to play this, but my parents are making it and I'm like you know, and I just I tell my kids all the time I'm like this is your sport. I'm not living vicariously through you. I had my day of doing whatever. You pick your sport, you pick what you're going to do. But it's very sad to hear those kids who you know I've had parents come in and thought they have like all this potential and they can be on the pre-Olympic team, and and then the kids like I don't want to do this anymore, like I'm done, I don't want to do eight hours a day of literally soccer or whatever it is. So it's great that you acknowledge, like even the teams that are kind of that middle ground, it's important like what? Not only what they learned, but what you learned as a coach because you learn a lot in that process as well.
Speaker 3:We ask our kids every year after you know, if they start a season, they have to finish it, that's it.
Speaker 6:That's the only thing we have. Oh yeah, yeah, I do agree with that.
Speaker 3:But after every season we're like hey, do you still want to play, do you want to try something else, do you want to try this? And they, they make their decision. If you know, my, my daughter, has a basketball playoff game tomorrow. I mean, she's 10, you know, I have to coach it because the coaches is out of town and I'm really really looking forward to it, like I'm really really happy about it. But but I just, you know, we asked them, like you know, but I think they're to that point. Kids are quitting organized sports by the age of 16 at higher rates than ever before, than ever before. Yeah, and I wish I had the, the dad, in front of me for the numbers. But the main two reasons, and the first one is obvious First one's the pressure.
Speaker 4:Yeah, the pressure.
Speaker 3:That's the first one, and the second one is because kids are specializing in sports at a younger age. So kids are playing a single sport and specializing at younger than they ever did before. You know, when I was playing, we played soccer and basketball. We had kids, friends, that played baseball too, and we had kids that played multiple sports football. And now you know I had I met one of the former pitchers for the Atlanta Braves wasn't Mark?
Speaker 3:Well, I may have been Mark Wollers, I think it was and he he basically was saying like for kids to grow up in the baseball system, now you basically have to like, quit every other sport, play baseball, get on this travel team, pay this money to go to these all star tournaments and showcases and play year round. And and pitchers are blowing out their arms and having Tommy John and and it's like okay, no, like none of my kids are doing that, unless unless one comes to me and is like dad, this is, this is exactly what I want to do. I want to. You know, you know, for instance, my, my neighbor, her, their child does ice skating and that's, that's a sport that you literally it's year round. You, you have to find the the space to do it. So she's up training like six in the morning and and there's no other time for her doing. But she loves it Like and she is amazing. She's a natural talent. I can only imagine the kids that aren't natural talents, that parents are pushing them in there.
Speaker 5:Yeah, because it's such a small percentage of kids in sports that make it to that next level. And I know my my husband was in sports all of his life. My boys play sports, but his big thing was always it's the life lessons you learn in those sport events. It's not pushing a child to go to the next level, cause I think it's like what one or 2% of high school. And I'm I'm a from a football family, so my husband played football and my boys played football. But so, but like for a football player in in high school to get to a D one school was like one or 2% and like that was the thing my husband always said.
Speaker 5:It's like he remembers it's the life lessons that and he was a coach but the life lessons that you teach these you know for football, these kids, because more than likely that's not in their cards but the things that, like I know with him I mean he was raised by a single mom and his coaches were his dad Like that's where he learned those, the boundaries and the respect and did the work ethic, not, I mean he got it from his mom too.
Speaker 5:So if she's listening, didi, I'm just I'm, I'm including you, but um, it is like you were saying it's crazy how it's made that shift from this, you know, just learning, work ethic and working with the team and how you have to work together to have success, and it's not just one player to now these parents, pam, like you were saying, they're now all invested and they didn't make it to that level, so now their kid's going to make it to that level and their kids miserable. And that's what's so sad, because I do think that there's such valuable lessons life lessons in sports, right, um, and so I, yeah.
Speaker 2:And the arts.
Speaker 5:I'm just no, no, no, well, okay, well, we all know that I am not artistic in any, but you see that there too.
Speaker 6:No, but you see that there too People who are like well, the stage moms know the stage moms, the dance moms and stuff.
Speaker 5:I can just only talk about football, because that's what I'm a football.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying some things, listen, not sporting.
Speaker 5:Mark is like how in the world did I get on this podcast?
Speaker 3:I love it. I love it. And you asked me about, like you talked about, the self-awareness at the beginning, and it's like I think that's missing sometimes with some people, that self-awareness. It's like I'm oh yes, throw my kid into this and everyone is going to notice me. At the end of it, it's like it's just sad.
Speaker 5:I feel like I mean it's sad?
Speaker 6:Yeah, it is I had a client years and years and years ago, so nobody will know. But he asked I still don't know, but there was like a lot of negativity and anxiety and negative voice and all that. And then we talked, I don't know, like probably three or four sessions later and it finally came out like yeah, you know, I used to play a sport and my dad actually got kicked out from coming to even watch the sport anymore because he was so, you know, animated.
Speaker 6:Well, like that's being kind right, yeah, like yeah, yeah, like the referees, and I'm like, wait, what you know, just like, and it was so embarrassing and it was embarrassing for me and I just thought, wow, I mean it. Just people don't realize their actions, like how much it impacts, even at a very young age. You know an athlete, a singer, anybody in any field. If you're you know that intense, it just has such a negative outcome.
Speaker 4:Well, we pivoted a lot from yes.
Speaker 5:I know being vulnerable.
Speaker 4:I think that it has been a lot of this is how our podcast goes.
Speaker 6:But that's the truth. I don't know if I forget that when my daughter cheered and she was like six years old, like you know the little, like you know the little cute youth, you know, nobody's on like a travel team, it's just like a youth kind of thing. And literally we're at this game and the police come and they're standing on both, like both sides. They're like, yeah, every year at this game there's like a huge fight and so the police have to come to this game just to and I'm like, wait what? This isn't a high school game, this is like a youth team.
Speaker 5:You're like we're at T-Balls.
Speaker 6:And she's six. So what am I putting my time to like do right now?
Speaker 5:Yeah, it was, but that's the truth, Okay so those parents, men, wives, they need therapy, right, mark? They need, they need some self-awareness, they need to listen to Mark's podcast, they need to talk to Dr Pam and they need to get right with God.
Speaker 6:Like this is just awful. Yeah, but that's true. I'm like it's six years old, Crazy.
Speaker 5:Yeah, people have lost their mind.
Speaker 4:I think that everyone, everyone I'm sorry, yeah, we have so pivoted. I'm trying to realize that in here. So I thought, though, like everything we've talked about has been just people chilling out and not letting, dealing with anxiety. Obviously, some parents really needed to deal with some anxiety or aggression or depression or a combination of both, but I think just being vulnerable to say when you need help, I think that having empathy towards other people and thinking about how that's going to make their kid feel when they're yelling at the referee or if you're snapping at the waitress because your food didn't come, when she's just busy trying to, I think that just thinking about other people's feelings and also dealing with your own and being aware of your feelings and knowing when you need to ask for help and maybe when you need to talk to others, that maybe they need help too.
Speaker 6:Yeah, back to what you said about your daughter's CU putting yourself first and dealing with things on your own and putting boundaries up, and that's more like seeing you do that is more powerful than you telling them what to do.
Speaker 5:Yeah, because they're seeing you healthy Like they're seeing healthy emotion.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and the thing about the whole, how this all connects and the self-awareness or the vulnerable begin out. There is like it's people need to understand that and I don't know if understand is the right word, but people need to, especially parents a lot of times with sports like your kid is not that good.
Speaker 4:Yeah, they need an honest reflection.
Speaker 3:Like, listen, I will. And it's so refreshing sometimes to talk to a parent and they tell me, hey, I'm just trying to get her to make the team or get like he really wants to play, he's not one of the, he just wants to and that's like, that's I can work with that.
Speaker 5:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And and, but at the same time, like again, a lot of this has to do with and I will always go back to this word, I will always go back to empathy, because I I've been a coach, I've been a player, I've been a referee, I have done assistant coach, a spectator, I've in these youth games, every person that's involved in it. I've been a commissioner of a boys basketball league. I've been the person that parents have to call and complain about the coach. I've been in every one of those positions. So when I talk to somebody in that position now, I know exactly what. I know what they're going through, what they can possibly going through, and the only reason people talk to referees the way they talk to them is because they've never been a referee.
Speaker 3:Right, the only reason a person yells at a server at a restaurant is because they'd never been a server at a restaurant, and I think that is one of the greatest barometers of a type of person that you are or that you're with is how they handle that situation when their food comes out incorrectly or late.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 3:And the first time and this is a memory I have the first time that happened to my dad. It's okay, things happen, still tip the person and I remember those things. Those are things I remember as when I was a small kid okay, that's how I treat somebody, that's how I do it, not doing my dad get upset with people. Of course he did, but it was always followed by like an explanation to my brother and I, like my dad, was really good, and still really good about explaining his behavior, so we understand it. My mother God rest her soul she would fly off the handles. It was hilarious. I mean, I laugh about it.
Speaker 5:There's usually one of each in the family.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I remember just like she got like some gift late and she's getting upset with this woman on the phone and my brother and I like mom, she didn't sell it to you Like she's literally the customer service. She didn't sell it to you. So, but yeah, it's just having the ability to understand that things are. I do this thing where I understand that things aren't going to always go like they're supposed to. Actually, most of the time they're not going to. That's what makes this fun, and I understand that I'm not going to be right most of the time, like I might not be right anytime, but the fact of the matter is that it opens up my critical thinking. And if I say to myself, okay, mark, you're not right in regard to this, then, whether I am or I'm not, I start to like think about other ways. Like start critical thinking, start getting other people involved, because I want other people to be involved.
Speaker 3:I've been a leader, I've been a manager, I've been a supervisor, and it's like I don't want to make all these decisions, like I want people to make them themselves. Now, if you ask me, when I first started becoming a manager, I was like I got, we got to do it this way I'm going to change the world, like everything is. I got all these ideas and it's like calm down, Like you're going to get some high blood pressure Calm down.
Speaker 3:That's amazing.
Speaker 4:Awesome. Well, we really appreciate it.
Speaker 5:Oh my gosh, this has been amazing.
Speaker 4:You are amazing. I have your fellow Georgian too. We're all here in Georgia as well, so that's pretty cool. And I was joking before we started talking to you about your voice, because I love the call map and Matthew McIntyre reads me a bedtime story. I mean I fall asleep and I said this guy's voice, he could definitely read a bedtime story, but he's asleep All right.
Speaker 5:So, mark, we want you on the call map. Okay, that's going to be, you're going to get your job. I love that. Oh my God, the calm app is amazing. I put it on once in like 30 seconds.
Speaker 3:I was like who is reading this Like? This is the question.
Speaker 5:Okay, well, you need to be on it, yeah.
Speaker 6:So true.
Speaker 4:We're going to start a movement here.
Speaker 5:I know. Thank you so much for reading.
Speaker 3:I know and thank you for what you do.
Speaker 5:You just you keep doing it because it matters.
Speaker 6:Good luck to you tomorrow coaching into your daughter, I know.
Speaker 4:Good luck in the game. Thank you so much, mark.
Speaker 3:Have a great night. Bye, thanks, mark. Thank you, he's pretty awesome. I love him.
Speaker 2:He's the cutest guest we've had so far. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 6:That's super sweet, such a sweet.
Speaker 5:You can feel how genuine, he is so nice.
Speaker 2:Plus his voice, yes, okay, well, there is that too. It's just nice to talk to somebody who's so calm.
Speaker 5:Like like in a different it's like they didn't teach themselves to and not that there's anything wrong with that at all, because I mean you got to get there one way or the other but to just be inherently self-aware, calm, searching to be better, so yeah.
Speaker 4:Nice man, yeah, super sweet. Cheers to Cheers to Mark. Yes, cheers to Mark.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining the ladies of the Middle Ages podcast as they journey through the ups and downs of this not young but definitely not old season of life. To hear past episodes or make suggestions for future episodes, visit wwwmiddleageshcom. That's wwwmiddleageshcom. You can follow along on social media at middleagesh. Also, if you have a moment to leave a review rate and subscribe. That helps others find this show and we greatly appreciate it. Once again, thank you so much for joining us and we'll catch you in the next episode of the Middle Agesh Podcast.