Episode 152 - Uht’s Butt - TLK S4E8

Eileen and Spencer take on The Last Kingdom Season 4 Episode 8 on Netflix.  Mercia is in conflict as Uht prepares to take the throne as Edwards Puppet. Will he do it? Will Fled agree? Will Edith be rewarded or punished for her role? Will Edward be able to hold Mercia? Will Uht get chilly without any clothes? Will baby Uht make it back to Wessex? Will Brida convince Cigarettegrrr to attack Wessex?  Confused? You won’t be after this exciting episode of Royal Highness!

royalhighnesspod@gmail.com 

This podcast contains adult language and content and is rated 'M' for Mature. Listener discretion is advised.

Transcript

SPEAKER_07 0:18

The chili dog was something else. Where did you get it from? Oh, we made 'em. I got some hormel no bean and some Oscarmeyer wieners, but some shredded cheddar cheese, and we heated that shit up and put it together ourselves. And this is being recorded, so everyone knows that I spend a lot of money on dinner. You know what? That sounds active salad from our deli, and then there's That's it.

SPEAKER_04 0:49

Do they have the spring salad right now?

SPEAKER_07 0:52

I don't know. I I kinda go towards the deli with a a very singular focus. Um the thing that my wife wants, and that's it. If I looked at anything else, I I just teased up.

SPEAKER_04 1:24

Hello! And welcome to the Royal Highness Podcast. I'm Melania, and sometimes we prefer to watch George Rabble Rabble Martin shows for the first time. This is untenable. For the first time, we'll enhanced with cannabis products, then we talk about them while we're still enhanced with cannabis products. Hey, if Melania wanted to be on the show, I'd 100% put Melania on uh I would let her smoke all the weed she wants and come on here. Oh, can you imagine? Holy shit. Oh, that would be fun. Okay.

SPEAKER_07 1:58

Um I no, no.

SPEAKER_04 2:03

Uh we did the entirety of Night of the Seven Kingdoms. We did the entirety of Night of the Seven Kingdoms. Now we're watching The Last Kingdom on Netflix, and then we talk about that instead of Melania and other horrible, terrible, no good, very bad things and all that good stuff. Hello, Spencer. Like we said, you're back. I'm back. So they didn't do anything fun last week.

SPEAKER_07 2:34

I had what might have been the seven worst, well, I shouldn't say seven worst days, because one of them was quite fun. But um, things turned, listener. Holy moly, I went from strep throat to drunk and hung over to kidney stonepalooza, and now I'm back alive and well, sort of.

SPEAKER_04 2:59

But at any moment that kidney stone could shift.

SPEAKER_07 3:03

You should shut up right now.

SPEAKER_04 3:06

Okay, so you know how you dislodge it, right? You go on a roller coaster.

SPEAKER_07 3:10

You're in front of a bus. No, you go on a roller coaster. Yeah, you know, a roller coaster is thin on the ground in our environment. I don't know if you noticed. There's not many nearby.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

Oh, sure there is. There's one five hours away.

SPEAKER_07 3:22

Yeah, yeah, that's gonna okay. Take a day off. Um, just gonna hop on a hop on a I'll drive you.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

I have a season pass.

SPEAKER_07 3:32

Okay, now we're talking because I can't, my car won't make it to the nearest town.

SPEAKER_04 3:36

Oh, fuck yeah, man. We'll pull my trailer, throw a tent in there for you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 3:43

Can I have chili dogs?

SPEAKER_04 3:44

We can have chili dogs. We can have savory s'mores.

SPEAKER_07 3:48

Yeah. What is this? Talk to me.

SPEAKER_04 3:51

Oh, I'm sure you know about these already.

SPEAKER_07 3:54

Well, no, because my s'more consists of graham cracker, marshmallow, chocolate. Graham cracker.

unknown 3:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_07 3:59

Savory s'more's got some meat in it.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

Okay, hang on. So you get a large cracker.

SPEAKER_07 4:06

All right.

SPEAKER_04 4:07

Right? A hearty cracker.

SPEAKER_07 4:09

One of those crackers that's got like twigs sticking out of it.

SPEAKER_04 4:12

No, you don't want the real you don't want the water crackers.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Those are garbage crackers.

SPEAKER_07 4:17

Yeah, I've seen some crackers. It's just like, hey, this is basically we sifted your driveway, and this was the seeds that came out. Eat 'em.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

We mixed them with drywall. Yeah. Made by acidic monks.

SPEAKER_07 4:34

They do not have a function and neither will you. Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

So okay, so you take this large cracker, right? Yes. You need two, just like a s'more. They will be the outsides. On the inside, you have a slice of summer sausage.

SPEAKER_07 4:56

I'm on board.

SPEAKER_04 4:57

Okay. With a little bit of mustard.

SPEAKER_08 5:00

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

Okay. And then you take a baby bell cheese. A baby cheeses? Yep. And you and you um peel and vein the baby cheese. Devein the baby cheeses. And then you stick it on a double fork, right? Uh-huh. And you put it in the fire. In the campfire.

SPEAKER_07 5:26

And you cook your cheese to a little bit of melt.

SPEAKER_04 5:28

And you keep turning it. You keep turning it and turning it so it doesn't like, right? And you watch it and you can kind of tell when it's ready. Like if you leave it in there any longer, it's just gonna drip into the fire. And you pull it. Right. And you put it on top of the summer sausage and you just slide it out. Oh my god. It is the best fucking thing. We we lament we went through an entire log of summer sausage and three bags of baby belt cheeses and a giant box of crackers and lamented we had not brought more.

SPEAKER_07 6:03

I'm concerned that the meat couldn't be more interesting. You can put whatever you want on there. Like a bias cut chunk of kielbasa. A piece of brisket. Oh, dude, what?

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Oh, yes. I have never heard that sound before.

SPEAKER_07 6:29

That was brisket enthusiasm you just heard. Oh, that's it.

SPEAKER_04 6:32

Welcome to our new podcast, brisket talk.

SPEAKER_07 6:35

Okay. No, this podcast is rapidly turning into listen to Spencer get fatter.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 6:41

So we are six minutes in and haven't talked about anything to do with the Last Kingdom, but that's Let's do that. The Last Kingdom season four, episode eight titled Episode eight. Correct. There are two more episodes in the season. Okay. Netflix says Utrud reluctantly prepares to take power in Mercia, but secretly formulates an alternate plan.

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Spoiler alerts. It's never gonna happen.

SPEAKER_07 7:20

I think we should ch title this uh Brida's Beast Mode episode.

SPEAKER_04 7:26

She pulls a father Bioka only on somebody's head.

SPEAKER_03 7:33

It wasn't a picnic table.

SPEAKER_04 7:36

No, but it was basically the same move.

SPEAKER_03 7:39

Am I wrong? She got really violent.

SPEAKER_04 7:42

It was kind of wild. She did. Uh, we're again promised violence, nudity, language, and gore. Bing bing bing bang. Uh yep. I don't remember much. Oh, yeah, she said our slicker.

SPEAKER_07 7:54

So turd and shit. Shit came up.

SPEAKER_04 7:58

Did shit come up?

SPEAKER_07 7:59

When was that last episode?

SPEAKER_04 8:01

See, you watched two in a row. See, listener, uh, so because Spencer was gone last week, uh, he uh he watched both episodes tonight in a row. So he might be confused as to what happened in which episode.

SPEAKER_07 8:14

So I got two shots of Utrud, one in each arm, and why am I weak?

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Oh god.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

Utrud's like a um is wet. He is. Uh I the I have titled the episode I thought Aired Wolf was dead.

SPEAKER_07 8:38

That's your title? I thought Ared Wolf was dead. Yes. Uh because I don't remember him being live. I think Royal Advisors is actually a better title than either of ours, really.

SPEAKER_04 8:54

That's true. Okay, here's the recap. Did you watch the recap?

SPEAKER_07 9:00

I did. I watched every last bleeding frame of it.

SPEAKER_04 9:05

Okay, so he is Utrid, son of Utrid, father of Udred, uncle of Utrid, godfather of Utrid, Bride of Utrid, Sif of Uthred, third cousin of Utrid, maid of Utrid, King of Wales, things.

SPEAKER_07 9:18

Does Bride of Utrid have a gray streak?

SPEAKER_04 9:23

Just no, he's all those things.

SPEAKER_06 9:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 9:29

Okay, so we get the scene with the King of Wales thinking things are shwell. And then we get uh we see Sig Tiger. Sig Tigger?

SPEAKER_03 9:39

Sig Tigger.

SPEAKER_04 9:43

The wonderful thing about the ears. Oh, that's I I gotta write that now. Finds out the wolf, somebody wolf killed red. Mom and Fled are reunited, and he's hoping he'll be able to get jiggy with Fled, is what he basically says in this recap.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

I'm like, excuse me, sir.

SPEAKER_07 10:07

Yeah, I was like talking about all these things. The Welsh King has left on a pilgrimage. Sig, Trigger, and Rebreed are going to beat the shit out of him. I wanna fuck. I'm like, come on, Utred, let's not do that in the recap.

SPEAKER_04 10:24

Mercia's in turmoil. Edward's getting to be a bigger, bigger asshole. Boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner.

SPEAKER_07 10:33

Yeah, well. What? That was the uh that was the Did you miss me last week?

SPEAKER_04 10:42

Uh Ed wants to put him in charge of Mercia, and he's like, okay, desperate.

SPEAKER_07 10:49

Yeah, and then we don't cut to the song. We cut to a place in Wales called Hlanga Dog.

SPEAKER_04 10:56

I could not parse even when they I wrote it like four different ways. The way they put it up, I couldn't, my brain couldn't figure out what the hell the third and last letter were. And so they're gonna spell it.

SPEAKER_07 11:10

Well, Welsh is a weird language. It's spelled L-L-A-N-G-A-D-O-G, so it's pronounced Klangadong.

SPEAKER_04 11:16

So Hangadong is fun as fuck to say.

SPEAKER_07 11:19

Clang. It's a weird, like kind of back of the mouth chlang. Yeah. Anyway, they murder everybody here. It's kind of awful.

SPEAKER_04 11:30

It's basically a Renfare City Park Jungle Gym. Did you notice that? No. It was like it had like one of those things you climb up and has a little roof over it and then you slide down. Nobody's home? Basically, or are they sneaking in?

SPEAKER_07 11:46

They're sneaking in. One guy's like, I'm gonna be. Alright, I have a uh this is Spencer's uh complaint about filmmaking uh version one for today. Why is it that whenever people in film go to take a leak, they start pissing way too early.

SPEAKER_04 12:04

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_07 12:06

Like there's no prep. You don't it's like maybe I'm mistaken what I thought younger than you. Uh that was an old guy in the shot. Thank you for my wife is sitting behind me teasing me because it takes me too long to pee. I'm old. Anyway, um I have something to do with that kidney stone. I don't want I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, no, it seems like he he walked over, he stopped walking, and he's just instantly pissing, which means A, either his dick was already out, B, he just lifted up his tunic and there it was. Or C, they just put the sound in too early. This seems like something I wouldn't pick about, but you have to ride horses quickly through the forest and you can't pee suddenly.

SPEAKER_04 12:53

Well, I don't know. Is that true? I don't know if that's true or not.

SPEAKER_07 12:57

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Let's continue.

SPEAKER_04 13:00

Has there never been a time in your life where you could just whip it out and pee?

SPEAKER_07 13:04

Well, no, I'm not saying what it the like the whipping it out was too fast, is what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_04 13:10

Like maybe he was maybe he had already worked it out as he was coming out.

SPEAKER_07 13:15

That's probably what I'm that's probably what it is. Is it yeah?

SPEAKER_04 13:18

Because they showed him from like the waist up, so we didn't see what he was doing down there.

SPEAKER_07 13:22

He was already he was already wielding the device, so to speak.

SPEAKER_04 13:26

Yeah, he might have been out and proud already.

SPEAKER_05 13:28

He might have been pinching it off, trying to get to a place where he could pee. He's like, oh, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

SPEAKER_07 13:40

Because really, let's just go out the front door. Let's no one else is awake. Plus, if he had done that, he would have seen the the Danes sneaking up on his horses. I thought he did. No, because he went he went and turned around the front door and then put his back to the horse the stables where they were lifting the horses, and then he he did the fast pee, and then turned around and grabbed his axe out of that stump and walked towards the stable, going, and then quickly died.

SPEAKER_04 14:13

I thought he had seen the Danes, doesn't he yell danes?

SPEAKER_07 14:17

He did after he got done peeing and turned he turned around, saw him, then grabbed his axe. Or he's grabbing his axe and then saw him. I I I did absorb a lot of Utre today, so I'm everybody dies. That's the point.

SPEAKER_04 14:30

Yeah, this was our violence. Yeah, the music is very electronica. It was crazy. Breed almost gets shillelied. Did you see this what she was like? It was an honest to god shillely. I'm like, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_07 14:51

I mean, I thought that the shilly was an Irish thing.

SPEAKER_04 14:56

Well, it is. But a blunt objects, pretty much.

SPEAKER_07 15:00

Okay. Because that was a that was a blunt, like a that was a clube. It's also called a cudgel. Oh cudgel, sure. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 15:09

But it sure had the shape of a shillet. I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_07 15:12

It did have that curved thing going on.

SPEAKER_04 15:14

Like the fiddlehead top kind of anyway.

SPEAKER_05 15:17

Not to be confused with a fudgel. A cudgel? A fudgel. A fudgel. A fudgel? A fudgel. A fudgel is a person that pretends to be working when not really working. They're a fame. They're fudgeling.

SPEAKER_07 15:31

No, that's not true. What are you doing over there? Uh checking emails.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

Mm-hmm. Is that a Wordle? Nope. Nope. Not on my work computer. On my phone, yeah. Yeah, that's hard.

SPEAKER_04 15:50

And then she this is where, yeah, she cleaves the noggin and twain of that young lady. And that's our gore. Like, there's our there's Al Gore. Uh, and then we get the theme song.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

I took the initiative to develop the internet. Well, that's a lot of dead villagers we come across.

SPEAKER_02 16:09

Thank you for ignoring that.

SPEAKER_04 16:12

Um, you know, I didn't have a reply. And since this is all unscripted, completely improv, and I am elevated, quite um I had nothing, man. Nothing for Al Gore.

SPEAKER_07 16:28

No, there's not much to go on. He's a boring man.

SPEAKER_04 16:31

Except he was pretty much right. Not about the internet, but about the climate. Anyway.

SPEAKER_07 16:35

Yeah. Well. They loot the village, they burn the thatch roofed cottages, and they wander off, and then we get uh the theme song. Right? But we should point out that there was a little girl carrying an infant that ran into the woods that Brita just ignored. So Right.

SPEAKER_04 16:51

She's like, I'm not gonna taste down a kid and a baby. That's that's even a little bit hard for me.

SPEAKER_07 16:57

She decided not to do that because she is at the moment perking and again. How much time has passed? Not much. I mean, enough is passed for us because we watched a whole other show. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 17:13

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking between last week and this week. She got like four more months pregnant.

SPEAKER_07 17:22

Are you sure that's not just the way she's wearing her belt? No, sir. No, sir. Uh well, either way, she is pregnant again to Nant.

SPEAKER_04 17:32

Pregante, yes, she is.

SPEAKER_07 17:35

And so maybe maybe that maybe that softened her to the sight of children running through the woods. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 17:42

Right. She's like, I'm not gonna be able to chase them down. They're much faster than me. Then we're off to Aylesbury in Winchester. Yeah. And the daughters made it through. Good old Wynne is now healthy, and sure. We see Athelflood watching Otrid, and there's like all this menacing music, and I'm like, Is she mad at him? Yeah, what's about to happen? I was like, I had I could not remember. Of course, you know me. I don't remember from one episode to the next.

SPEAKER_07 18:14

Well, I remember very, very vividly. Um seeing as how it was literally 49 minutes prior. She was not pleased with the idea that Utrecht should become Lord of Mercia because she thinks he's not the right fella for the drama. Right, exactly. Not that she doesn't trust him, but she she says that Mercia needs someone who's more diplomatic and someone who's not quite so mercurial. And uh she's concerned that the Mercians would see him as like a a plant, essentially. A tyrant appointed by Edward. Yeah, a a mouthpiece.

unknown 18:52

A puppet.

SPEAKER_07 18:55

Yes. All I can think about when you do that is you holding your potato out.

SPEAKER_04 19:00

Who always knows that? I don't have my Oobie eyes. Do you rem you probably very few people remember the show Oobie? It was so disturbing and yet fascinating. How do you spell Oobie? O-O-B-I. And it starred a hand puppet, a literal, it was a literal hand with I'm sure Mike is looking around for his. Oh, my mom got us awesome. This should not be. So Ubi spoke in very simple terms. It was made for toddlers. My toddlers loved the shit out of this show. And the best part was I could entertain them all fucking day just imitating Ubi with my goddamn hand and a pair of plastic eyes. I kept my kids entertained on a four-hour flight.

SPEAKER_07 19:51

I don't like the just this image of the mouth with the eyes, the hand with the eyes. I don't like it.

SPEAKER_04 19:57

I highly encourage you to watch it.

SPEAKER_07 19:59

Like I said, my kids love that. I'm gonna go ahead and push back against and say no. Anyway, getting back to the program.

SPEAKER_04 20:07

The progream. So Udred's going to see blah blah blah. And she's like, I don't, you're not the right guy. You're gonna be seen as a tyrant, appointed by Edward, and she's like, Well, at least I'm nice to you, and you're protected. And I'm like, Oh, you dumb fuck. You're so blind. She knows she's the right person.

SPEAKER_07 20:36

Yeah, but she won't offer herself up as as tribute because she knows how the Witten will respond, as we see later.

SPEAKER_06 20:45

Right.

SPEAKER_07 20:46

Anyway, she's also concerned that whoever is next in line will banish her. The next one may not be so kind. I was supposed to use Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. I cannot do that today. Anyway. Anyway, Father Perlig shows up and interrupts. And we get my favorite line in all of television that happens so often. I was just leaving. I was just leaving. Which doesn't mean you interrupted us, is what that means. I was just leaving. Oh I didn't want to talk to you. Goodbye.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

Yeah, and here we find out that once again, once again our hero Utred must be I must be wet! Wet. Cracked. He has to be baptized again because the eldermen need to believe it. In order to believe it, they have to see it with the Oh my fucking God.

SPEAKER_07 21:39

Yeah, even though Baelka done done it twice.

SPEAKER_04 21:43

Right. He's like, what's one more time? What the hell? Let's make it a trifecta. Whoop, whoop. Do I get a token? Is this, you know, is it like every third baptism you get a free confirmation?

SPEAKER_07 21:57

Or no, no, every every time, every every uh every fourth baptism, the fifth bad baptism is free.

SPEAKER_04 22:04

Hmm. I see. I see. Do you have to bring your own white robe.

SPEAKER_07 22:10

No, they give you one.

SPEAKER_04 22:11

No, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, cool. Cool, cool.

SPEAKER_07 22:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:19

Then we go okay, so we just have this conversation. Then we go back to Wales and we see the dude in the well. And Breda's like, eh, I'm bored. I'm leaving. Going back to she's like, Winchester's ripe to just pop on in there, beat the shit out of everybody, and come back. Right? Is this where she's telling him that?

SPEAKER_07 22:42

No. Oh. This is where she's saying they should invade because she wants revenge. And that the Saxons are weak after Tetonhall, not that not that they are occupied by strife.

SPEAKER_04 22:57

Right. And she's like, I'm gonna go get help. And she goes, I need ten guys and he's like you can have five.

SPEAKER_07 23:04

I don't like this sign jigger. I don't like him. I don't like his face. I don't like the way he talks.

SPEAKER_04 23:10

There's something okay. There's something uncanny about his hair. Yeah. It's a wig and it lays really weird on his head. I really hope it's not his real hair. If it is sir, I'm very sorry. You're a marvelous actor I'm sure he's gonna be paying attention to us. Someday we might be famous.

SPEAKER_07 23:34

I like your style. Cool. I don't know that Isteen Sigartson is going to be listening to our show.

SPEAKER_04 23:48

Can we hashtag him Mike on the like YouTube upload? I don't know if I have just no that would be fun. Yeah let's do that. Okay cool.

SPEAKER_07 23:57

Cool that's way to go bud you did it.

SPEAKER_04 24:00

Yeah tag us tag us and well let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Wayne and Stan are swinging it like literally in a tree they got it swings they're swinging and Edith is babysitting again. Yeah and so Flood comes over and kind of bums their harsh you know harsh is their mellow kind of she's like so what really are your motives here I'm I couldn't figure out what she was getting at.

SPEAKER_07 24:24

I was uncertain about is it feels so it felt so weird. I kept expecting her to say I want you to be their nanny or tutor or something you've earned my trust and so I would like you to do these things for me but instead she's like how come you betrayed your brother and and she's like well because I I mean he did a bad thing and I believe that you guys are doing the right thing so I went with you guys and and they just kind of focused on Ethelflaed and she had this look like hey just a bitch now what? Yeah like how it's not it's not a difficult decision and then we find out later why she was struggling with it. Yeah it's awkward it's awkward and weird.

SPEAKER_04 25:07

Speaking of awkward and weird young Utred he is a little awkward and weird. And he's what is is his name Utred too yes his Utrid Okay so I said baby oots giving Utred shit about getting baptized and not really meaning it. Yeah you know and that's when Utrid drops that gem about do you think babies know what they're doing when they get into it yeah right they don't give consent they don't you know commit their what did she he say commit their lives soul to God yeah or come receive the come receive the Lord's blessing is what he says to him whatever that means and then we go back to Wales there's this one's choppy too yeah I you know I could have done without the Welsh part yeah I really could have been yes could have been condensed because it was a very short period of time supposedly so that could have been like one longer scene and we could have been done with it for the whole episode.

SPEAKER_07 26:11

Yeah and status but it was very choppy she's she's she's got the the king she's walking him with her the chain around this isn't the king this is the king's king's brother yeah Rodri is the guy's name well I'm telling you because that's what it says in my notes yeah a king the king's off on vacation yeah he's off praying at a wet thing so anyway she's got him on a leash and is dragging him around and kicking him and asking people if they want a dog and it's she's just being a total asshole to this guy.

SPEAKER_04 26:52

Well I mean fair he did keep her in the hole he peed on her he peed on her I'm surprised she hasn't like straddled the grate and peed on him.

SPEAKER_07 27:03

Well I mean she does take care of business here fucking shortens his chain and shoves him in the pit and hangs him so I mean he's dead he's like nobody wants you or you boop that could have been that it could have just been that it didn't need to see the torture I mean I know why it happened and it makes sense but I didn't need to see it.

SPEAKER_04 27:28

I think it was to establish she's kind of gone well that just that she's cutthroat she's just never hold she never holds back.

SPEAKER_07 27:38

Rita has crossed the moral event horizon. Yeah back to the bucket of baptism oh yeah Utron's bucket of baptism step right in receive a baptism get the fourth one free a box of baptism now I'm back but it is it's just a little vial of holy water that you add to your bath water and then don't drink it it'll make it too holy instead sprinkle it on your head you are wet receive the blessing of the Lord oh shit why is Arnold Schwarzenegger baptizing people I don't know the guy who plays Utrin is German so I figured I'd just go with an Austrian man is close enough. Sure. I don't know any Germans oh we have some Germans who listen hey guys welcome to the show yeah they're friends of my daughters hi guys I used to speak your language fairly well but then I graduated from high school and forgot it all same same Ze's I tried learning it again because I was like oh that's cool that we have listeners in German in in Germany it would be really cool to say some stuff in German then my ADHD brain went what app did I actually and I couldn't remember a funny story about that I was uh I was sitting in many many years ago I was sitting in my in my bedroom doing um like a language learning program I don't remember which one it was but I had to speak the the stuff back to the computer through a microphone in order for it to realize that I knew how to pronounce the words and I was getting kind of angry with it and and I was trying to say sand sandwich in in German and this the the system told me it was beliegtesbrot which is basically laden bread is what it is.

SPEAKER_04 29:33

And I'm sitting here at my desk going beliefs broadsbrot and it just wouldn't register and I just I'm like the angriest just like any American just going my wife told me to stop and so I didn't bother learning any more German again oh man oh god all right mom and Ed are talking about Udrid and mom is still pissed she's like I know I should be you know your dad trusted him but he did hold your dad hostage at knife point. There's that one little thing he did you know everything else fine fine but the whole knife point thing I'm just like ooh just all of the things he's done for that family.

SPEAKER_02 30:34

And yet that one little thing I mean and to be fair he was under a teeny bit of stress at the moment when he decided to do that.

SPEAKER_07 30:44

So yeah and you know what it's kind of Alfred's fault because he never really said hey I know what Utra did was really bad but you kind of have to let it slide he just went ahead and died.

SPEAKER_04 30:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 30:56

And Utra's like he forgave me look what he wrote down and none of it says the the knife thing was a boo-boo and had he done the knife thing was a boo-boo on his little note then maybe mama wouldn't have been so bitter about Utred forever.

SPEAKER_04 31:11

Right just leave a little clarity before you die. If I can give you any advice before you die that's it I'm a little clarity.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

I just wanted to let you know and I want to make sure it's clear your nephew's a dickhole he was very clear about this one thing Jeffrey's a dickhole.

SPEAKER_07 31:33

Yeah so okay we see all of Udred's blessings and surprise surprise Edward is his sponsor and does that give you better God points I guess if your sponsor's better I think I am a godmother to at least two children so sorry kids uh Utrid gets in the water turns out your baptism was meaningless Utrod gets in the water uh and he's naked so we get butt cheeks there's our nudity yeah sort of well a butt counts doesn't it I don't know do butt cheeks count anymore they do Mike is saying yes not yeah I want to say not since Dennis Franz took his pants off for NYPD blue has have butt cheeks counted as nudity since so what you're saying is since an unattractive person did it people were just like oh everybody's got a butt anyway off with butts then everybody does have a butt and that needs to be understood. Yeah I think people are afraid of butts because the poop comes out of there and the farts come out of there.

SPEAKER_03 32:45

There are certain things you should be afraid of that emit from the butt.

SPEAKER_04 32:49

Yeah those are the two really he gets dunked again and he is wet. Yeah he is wet he is wet for sure we go into the tavern and the final pharmacy panty are having drinks and steors with them. Yeah weird to believe she's a child well yeah teenager too young to be in the tavern Finn's like she gets milk and she's like fuck that grabs his ale chugs it and they're like ha ha ha a small child drinking excessively this is funny as fuck have some more young child yeah the the final part of C Panny spends the majority of this episode drunk and puking yeah which I don't need you know how I feel about that to back to mommy and Dada having a chat about Oudi baby having gotten dunked. Not yet first what first what first first what in between the tavern scene and mom and fla fla fla Ed corners Utrud and does that like close like parrot talking you know like when two birds talk to each other and they sit facing opposite directions on a branch so they're like facing opposite directions and he's like come and see me with you after the witten we can talk about how we're going to do all the things and Utrud's like you got it boss yeah yeah sure thank boss no problem but because we read the because we read the description of the show anyway so yeah mom and fle blah blah are arguing about being Lord of Mercia.

SPEAKER_07 34:40

Of course the the white mom's like talking herself into it kind of I think yeah she's like your father seemed to like this boy an awful lot he trusted him and Alpha Fled's like oh I don't I don't have a problem with him but I don't think he's the right guy see my previous argument.

unknown 35:01

Right.

SPEAKER_04 35:01

She's like basically this is my kingdom and Edward's stealing it from me. Fuck him yeah and mom's like you're right guess what men are all dicks and we have no saying in saying in anything so all we can do is fucking do what we can do behind the scenes.

SPEAKER_07 35:16

So fucking get over it and then immediately a man comes in and says a man comes in and says it's time to go watch the men talk.

SPEAKER_04 35:23

Thanks bull cut we go back to Ladinkadonk or whatever the fuck it is and is this where the king is coming back from his vacation and he sees the village that's been burned is that him yes it's King Howl yes and he hears the baby crying so they go again we see the girl and what is she doing she's running through the forest that she doesn't know she's running through the forest not only is she running through the forest she's running through the forest carrying a fucking baby um pushback here from Spencer I just want to say I imagine this little girl knew the forest around her village fairly well maybe I'll give you that she might have known trails but even half a mile away from glamouranga ding dong okay so it's very possible that in her wanderings she had been off you know gathering berries whipping rocks at squirrels whatever you do I mean that's what I do.

SPEAKER_07 36:22

Still yeah yeah you whip rocks at squirrels I haven't thrown a rock in a very long time I am glad to hear that I thought you were like admitting to animal cruelty on on our podcast no I wouldn't do that the last thing I threw the last thing I threw with some some gusto was a snowball at at one of our kids. And how did that go? I missed but it was close it was real close. And we were in the parking lot at Walmart so everyone would have seen me just smoker. Boom it would have been good so she started it to be fair. Here's the thing they find they find the girl with the baby right she's hunkering under the rock that everybody hunkers under in the proper that's a proper hunker right there it is it's a good spot to hunker and they find her and they're like was it the Danes and she's like yeah and that's it did they help this girl did they just leave her there I would like to think that they helped her nobody says anything but it's not as though she they just went all right now you stay here by this tree indefinitely we're gonna go to war right there might be some stuff left back at your village not all the buildings were burned the chickens and the ones that were burned I think Joseph has Snickers bars in his in his saddlebag hold on we'll get you one oh it's it's the bad granola bars it's the crunchy ones but but low king my teeth I fuck your teeth off we go lads to war right Utred is wearing the giant cardigan of the Witten I guess yeah he is dressed as a tube sock.

SPEAKER_04 38:15

Sure and uh as he's going into the Witten he sees mom and Fled up on the balcony watching we get the whole blessing from Father P blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah where we've nominated Outred if nobody objects blah blah blah so Utre gets to sit on the thrones and then they all beat their chests I'm like this is very manosphere.

SPEAKER_07 38:39

Yeah and then you want to be king yeah I want to be king well you can be king then create or or or or seal noise or I can actually I don't know I can have that done really well there you go I hope that picked up thank you um so apparently Spencer has a seal in his living room that's amazing which before we start I'd like to address the witten and everyone's like how dare you talk before we talk oh my god this speech who wrote this shit down this is such chat GBT garbage before I don't even know if chat GBT was anything anyway the gist of the speech is that there's somebody better to rule mercia than him that would be an equal to Edward and my first act as king is to relinquish the throne to fla fla fla and and uh one dude goes surely not fla fla fla has a regime correct that is what he said basically and uh Edward's like uh I know and the Witten agrees so basically there's a lot of misogynistic bullshit that I'm sure was pretty historically accurate let's be honest they do they do say listen women can take the throne but they can't they can't marry because then the king would overrule the the Witten or the you know the king by marriage would overrule the Witten. But that's not how it works is it isn't is that I would assume there would be a king regent situation and but I don't know I don't make the rules anyway King Office widow ruled for years blah blah blah so Fled in order to get her due has to say I'll stay chaste and not marry as long as I rule right and the witness like okay that'll work yeah she should have pushed it further she should have been like can I wear pants listen I'll rule but here I got some concessions you guys need to make number one uh Thursday night is bowling night no exceptions we are a team all of us yeah you got your shirt it says it says Mercy in on it come on it says the wittens the wittens I need to have only it looks like a box of Whitman sampler candy is their logo and it just says wittens on it just take the H and the M out and it just says Wittens so good and the shirt can be yellow with that little boxy trim all around it instead of normal oh that's I want one. So they're like fine.

SPEAKER_04 41:51

In the meantime most of the town doesn't know this is happening and the final pharmacy panty are puking everywhere and drinking it up because they are quote advisors to the king and they don't realize what is taking place just a few doors down. Uh-huh cut to Edward's guards just basically positioning themselves all over Islesburg. Yeah yeah and this is happening while the eldermen are coming in and just you know bowing to flev and saying like oh my liege this would be great we'll be buddy buddies I'll give you my insta you don't you promise not to mug me at the next wittin agreed okay fair enough so next so Bullcut standing there and he goes up to Utred and he's like hey man that was a pretty short reign as Lord Protector but you did the thing right and then the final Party panty comes in and they're like hey the guards have seized Aylesburg and then suddenly everyone's outside right and so Father P is like uh Ed's he's pissed and he's praying and Fled's like find him and tell him he is in so much trouble with me and mom so Utred is leaving and he's like uh putting Finn in charge of la blah blah safety yes as far as I understand it yeah Utred leaves because he's like where's the mercy and guard there's there's no mercy and guard because Eardwolf is done the fjord is scattered and disheartened and so um he boogies with Citric and Osworth. Right so they're galloping galloping along the plains to the chanting music to we see Eardwolf and that's why I said I thought he was dead and uh Frida and her gang come upon him right yeah and he's like wait wait wait I have things you need to know I can tell you all things you know and he just starts blathering on and on and on and on No no no. Until one of her companions just chililies him in the head.

SPEAKER_07 44:13

Yeah. As my daughter likes to say say, that uh she d he yeah he hit nature's snooze button.

SPEAKER_04 44:20

Yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_07 44:22

That's great. Then we get a little bit of young Utrecht being grumpy with per you know, maybe it's just this this kid. I don't know. It seems like he's always pissy.

SPEAKER_04 44:33

Yeah. Well he was mad that he got kidnapped out of the abbey. He was perfectly happy there.

SPEAKER_07 44:38

But even when he isn't pissy, he's pissy. It's just the way he this just delivers his lines like pissy.

SPEAKER_04 44:46

Again, he's a teenager.

SPEAKER_07 44:48

I suppose.

SPEAKER_04 44:49

They're all like that. Well, not all of them. Mine weren't.

SPEAKER_07 44:54

But well anyway, uh, he leaves after Pearling tries to convince him that Bigoot is actually a pretty good guy and all that stuff. But he's gonna go back to Winchester to be uh be godly, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 45:11

A religion boy. Good for ya.

SPEAKER_04 45:15

Edward comes upon mom and Stan. Oopsie. Yeah. And his son has a little stick like voodoo doll stick king toy that he's made.

SPEAKER_06 45:27

Yeah. She's a good king. Like you.

SPEAKER_04 45:32

Yeah. They talk about what's best for Mercia, and it's funny because mom's like, uh, listen, you're not you're not paying attention here, dipshit. Did you forget that she's your sister? That we're a family? Correct. And we have both thrones. Now we have Mercia and Wessex. She's not a threat. Whit being a dick.

SPEAKER_07 45:57

And probably just off screen he goes, Oh, god damn it, that's right. She's my sister.

SPEAKER_04 46:05

So the Welsh are st trying to sneak up on the Danes?

SPEAKER_07 46:11

Yeah. They have a bunch of dudes and they're headed towards Um, I don't even know how to pronounce this place. Dehu Barth. Yeah. They roll up and it's like, sorry, I can smell their stinky Danes. There they are. Let's go attack 'em. So they charge towards them. What?

SPEAKER_04 46:34

Before they even went in there, I said, is it a trap?

SPEAKER_07 46:38

Oh, it's a trap. It's a trap. And it's a good one, honestly. This is pretty clever. I didn't see it coming because I was, I don't know, gullible? Tired? Dumb?

SPEAKER_03 46:51

Outrided out. Over outrided? Over. Had an overdose of ootrid. I had a double dose of oot.

SPEAKER_07 46:58

Yeah. Outridosed. Oh, ootridosed. I am dumb.

SPEAKER_04 47:08

Basically, the Danes have set up a firewall. A literal firewall.

SPEAKER_07 47:13

Yeah. I don't know where it comes from. What kind of substance did they use in a pitch or something? That set a ablaze oil? I imagine oil.

SPEAKER_04 47:22

They never set that up. There was no mention of anything. This was all a surprise to everybody. And so they set up the firewall, and of course the Danes are the are the balls are like, what the fuck? And then run away, run away.

SPEAKER_07 47:37

Um and then first they like continue attacking, and then it's just one volley of arrows after another.

SPEAKER_04 47:43

Yeah, just shl, shlp, shlp.

SPEAKER_07 47:46

So then it's runaway, and they shoot yet another volley of fire arrows which lights another trench. Behind them. Yeah. And yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:57

They just go hole we're cooked, chat, we're cooked. Yeah, it's literally shooting cooked fish in a barrel.

SPEAKER_07 48:04

If Welshmen were made of fish.

SPEAKER_04 48:06

He's like, finish them! Welsh them!

SPEAKER_06 48:12

I don't know. Oh, oh.

SPEAKER_04 48:15

Then we get a long shot of Sig Trigger. It went on a while. Just him in the smoke. Just a shot of him in the smoke. That was longer than it needed to be too. It really was. And again, I need to go back and look at it to see what is up with his hair. Please, be on the show. Eredwolf is waking up in the camp with Brita and her buddies. He's like, I know how to defeat Edward. If you'll listen to me, I have a question.

SPEAKER_03 48:45

Please ask your question. How much time has passed?

SPEAKER_07 48:50

Um, time enough one day. Because has the sickness gone away? Forget that. It was the last episode or two. I'm sorry to do this. It just occurred to me while I was watching the the last week's episode tonight that the worst place you could possibly be when there is an outbreak of a disease is in a populated city. Correct. Being out in the open is the best place for you to be, and all these fucking nimrods are like, get in the city, you'll be safe.

SPEAKER_03 49:22

They thought it was the air. The bad air. Yeah, I got some bad air. How about that?

SPEAKER_04 49:28

I didn't realize the bad air was coming out of the mouths of the people in the crowd.

SPEAKER_07 49:33

So anyway. So that's what happened to the that's what happened, Eileen. The the fever went away because we're in the woods.

SPEAKER_04 49:41

Oh, okay, cool. Good to know. So it turns out that Utred has brought back enough men to defeat Edward's men. And then uh flood, flah flah flah fla pretty much checked out. It's a fjord.

SPEAKER_07 49:58

It's a fjord. He he roused the fjord. And they're happy. I don't know. I mean, they're they're cheering. They're not angry. They're celebrating because they have a leader they respect.

unknown 50:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 50:09

Boy, I uh Edward had a lot of egg on his face. Because they're all like, yay! And he's like, oh.

SPEAKER_04 50:17

Yep. Yeah, she basically she just checkmates him. I mean, she says exactly the right thing. Well, the writers write the exact same thing. They're the exact right thing for her to say.

SPEAKER_07 50:27

And she's basically What's that? I said, give her some agency, damn it.

SPEAKER_04 50:33

She's basically showing she is the right person to lead Mercil. With bowl cut by her side. There's much cheering. The elders approve. Utrdes in, and Edward is pissed as usual.

SPEAKER_06 50:49

My diaper has been soiled once again. Mother, bring me the diaper man.

SPEAKER_04 50:55

Next we see Stiora and baby Oot. He's leaving. He's packing up to go. And Steora's like, take me with you. I'm gonna die her at so bang. Oh my god. They're gonna make me babysit again. I just know it. They're gonna make Adith go away.

SPEAKER_07 51:09

Or or make her make her marry somebody she doesn't want to marry, which doesn't make any sense. There's no indication that that's yeah.

SPEAKER_04 51:18

And then he's like, nah, you'll figure your shit out soon enough, but I got to go, which will always be in my thoughts. Catch you later.

SPEAKER_07 51:25

I wonder why he said, I can't take you with me. Like, she doesn't have to go to the monastery. She could just go to Winchester and off in the same building. Maybe he knows that she's safer there. Probably. Or maybe it's story related and we just don't know yet.

SPEAKER_04 51:41

Maybe we don't. It it doesn't further the plot line for her to leave with him.

SPEAKER_07 51:47

Nor does it further it for her to stay. What a loose end we have wrought.

SPEAKER_04 51:52

Edwards standing there in a hood looking moody and watching the fear outside.

SPEAKER_07 51:56

Wanting the fear to be happy.

SPEAKER_04 51:58

Yeah, he's decided to let the feud in, and they all have a very civil conversation and pledge allegiance. And because my brother had texted to our little group chat, I cannot wait to talk about this episode tonight. I thought, oh shit, he's gonna double cross her. And as soon as he let the feud in, all his dudes are gonna beat the shit out of them, kill them, and then he's gonna take over. This is my broken brain. Game of Thrones in this shit.

SPEAKER_07 52:28

I didn't know what was gonna happen, but that didn't happen.

SPEAKER_04 52:32

No, it didn't. Uh yeah, they talk strategy and their father's dream of a united land. Whatever.

SPEAKER_07 52:41

This is actually right now is a perfect end of the series.

SPEAKER_04 52:46

If you think at the end of this, I did say this feels like a finale.

SPEAKER_07 52:50

Yeah, because all finale. Like the only thing that's really pressing is the Danes.

unknown 52:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 52:57

And we all know how that's gonna turn out. Somehow Breed is gonna not kill Utrid. Right. Because that's what always happens.

SPEAKER_04 53:05

He won't kill her, she won't kill him. They're like, I guess, you know, they've got a thing going. Yeah. So Utred interrupts Father P and he's like, Hey, have you seen baby Oot? And he's like, Ah, yeah, about that. He went back to Wessex, but he's a good kid, he'll be fine, don't stress. He's like, Okay, I guess. So he leaves and goes to find Fla Fla Fla and says, I'm going to go to gum because it's too painful to be around you all the time because I want to grab your boobs. And uh they kiss very chastily, and she says, I'll miss you. And um he says, I'll always be there for you. They look at each other for a really uncomfortably long time.

SPEAKER_02 53:56

I'm sorry, but that was so good.

SPEAKER_01 54:01

You can't stay here because all I want to do is play with your jugs. I have to go. Back to Cookham.

SPEAKER_04 54:13

Man, there's no jugs. Honestly, she knows what his body count is, and I'm not talking girls he slept with, I'm talking women he slept with who have died. Like a literal body count.

SPEAKER_07 54:24

In a lot of ways, yes, in a lot of ways, him leaving for Cookham means that Ethelflaed is safe for another couple years at the very least.

SPEAKER_04 54:31

Correct, right? At least for a little bit. And this felt like a really good place for the episode to end, but no, it went on, didn't it? It did.

SPEAKER_08 54:39

It sure did.

SPEAKER_04 54:40

More exciting music. We're at the Ren Fair. Mom and Ed are talking about uh Stan. Yeah. And she's she's like, you can't take him back to Winchester because he'll get uh so can I take him to is it did she say Bedlam? Bedwin. Bedwin?

SPEAKER_07 54:57

Bedwin. Bedbath Beyond? Bedwin.

SPEAKER_03 55:01

Nut Lob.

SPEAKER_07 55:03

This is what my my part of the show has become. Um just me saying Bedwin and Eileen Riffin on it, and me saying Bedwin again, and then Eileen Riffs on it, and this goes on for about 65 minutes, and Mike has to edit it all together. It's gonna be good.

SPEAKER_04 55:20

And make it make sense. Make it make sense. She's like, look, I'll take him to Bedwin. And raise him there. Uh, and Ed's like, cool.

SPEAKER_03 55:31

I'm good with that. I'll send Utrid with you guys. So they make up too. They make up. Everybody's happy.

SPEAKER_04 55:37

And we cut this fla fla fla and Edith chatting again. She's like, look, I like you. Here's some money, but you can't stay because your brother was a piece of shit. Everybody knows it. And you were kind of on board with everything.

SPEAKER_07 55:52

So also you were my husband's mistress.

SPEAKER_04 55:56

Correct. So I'm gonna find a place at a nunnery for you if that's all right. And he's just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, no thanks. I'll just say goodbye to the kids and then peace out if that's okay with you.

SPEAKER_07 56:07

Would it be all right if I just decided not to devote my life to God just now?

SPEAKER_04 56:12

Right, right. She's like, uh, I really don't want to make any kind of life-changing decisions considering the current circumstances. So I'm just gonna, you know, uh uh, maybe I'll update my resume, check out the listings, see what's happening around, you know?

SPEAKER_07 56:27

Um indeed.com. Come on. Yeah. You only get a million emails for the rest of your life, don't worry. Guys have had a job since last September, this September before. Please stop.

SPEAKER_04 56:40

So she goes and says goodbye to the kids, and then we're back in the Welsh castle, and Breda has come back and brought Erdwolf with all of his secrets. Then we come back to Utrid, who's wallowing, and they're all sitting around a table, uh, the final pharmacy panties all sitting around this table, and they're all just pissed that he's not the king. Yeah. Right? So Utrid starts this speech about well, we may not be king, but we've got something better than that. And they're like, please don't say friendship.

SPEAKER_07 57:15

Yeah. That would have been I went, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 57:18

That was that was a subversion of maybe the real leadership was the friends we made along the way. Oh god. I have been wet three times.

SPEAKER_04 57:29

I've been wet. I don't know what. Um, and he's basically like, uh, that's because that's exactly what he was gonna say. So Finn goes up to the bar and Edith Edith shows up and she's like pays for his drink, and she's like, I tell you what, I'll pay for your beer if you take me with you. Now, this doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Having an extra person in your party adds to your party. It's it's like you slows you down, it's you know, the more people.

SPEAKER_07 57:55

Uh she seems fairly useful though. I imagine she's not that much of a burden on a on a traveling group.

SPEAKER_04 58:01

That's true. And I think she's got a thing for Finn, honestly. Wasn't she asking about him in the last episode?

SPEAKER_03 58:10

Yeah, well, he's the mightiest warrior. And he's kind of cute. He's a handsome bastard.

SPEAKER_04 58:17

In a final pharmacy panty kind of way. Sure. But they did they resolve that? I don't think she they said yes or no. Back to the Welsh castle where Siegfried and Roy and Brita are talking about taking Winchester. Because it's weak and unprotected, and we know that now. And it's important to the Saxons, it's better than here, no risk. And they're like, sure, and jumps up on the table and grabs his guitar and does his best, falls down the impersonation. I got something to say. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_07 58:51

Yeah, I uh I didn't need the Danes in this episode. It could have just been the stuff in in Aylisburg and I'd been satisfied, but whatever.

SPEAKER_04 59:01

I guess we're doing that. Uh, what do you think, Mike? Did we miss anything?

SPEAKER_05 59:07

The only thing is uh Edward is still wearing the uh I'm pregnant outfit. Four episodes now. Same back.

SPEAKER_04 59:16

An Empire waste is not your friend. Yes. No.

SPEAKER_07 59:20

He just makes him look pregnant. There's like three buttons up atop, and then it just opens up over. Yeah, it's just like guys, I had a lot of buttons though, it's like little laces.

SPEAKER_04 59:30

It's like three little grommets to put the laces through. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 59:34

Yeah, it's just weird.

SPEAKER_04 59:35

Well, thank you so much for listening, listener. Singular. Thanks for having me back. Hi, those are good. Yes, uh, email us at RoyalHighnesspod at gmail.com. Link should be in the description. Thank our producer Mike. Thanks, Mike. And the fine folks over at Injured Nerves Productions. We can't wait to do it all again next week. Two more episodes in this season. But until then, love you.

unknown 1:00:04

Bye.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:05

Have yourself a chili dog while you get a chance. You're delicious.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:09

I'm coming over.

SPEAKER_07 1:00:10

I'm gonna have another one.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:15

Royal Highness is an injured nerves production. It is produced and directed by Mike Began and is available on all podcast networks. The comments and opinions expressed here are those of the hosts and their guests, and are not affiliated in any way with Netflix or the Last Kingdom series. If you would like to contact us, you can do so at RoyalHighnesspod at gmail.com. Thanks for listening. We hope you come back to listen again.