From Intention to Action: Strengthening Marital Connection with Clint and Jennifer Adams

Being Intentional in Marriage
From Intention to Action: Strengthening Marital Connection
Clint & Jennifer Adams

What happens when friendship forms the root of marriage? Today, we pull back the curtain on a discussion we had with Clint and Jennifer Adams, pastors of Revive Church in San Francisco. Having cultivated a strong connection in their marriage spanning over three decades, they share their wealth of wisdom on keeping the spark alive. From maintaining a steadfast intention for a thriving family and marriage to aligning on shared interests, they leave no stone unturned as they delve into the heart of marital intimacy.

Hold on to your hats as they reveal their unique 777 plan, a rhythm that keeps their connection alive. Picture this: a date every seven days, a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and a vacation every seven months. Can you feel the romance blossoming? But there's more to it than just frequent quality time. The power of positive speech, rekindling activities from the 'falling-in-love' phase, and making intentional choices to stay connected form the crux of their advice. Embrace the journey as they encourage couples to seek divine intervention in reigniting their love for each other.

But the real magic happens when you're intentional about your relationship. We examine how being present and future-minded plays a critical role in rekindling love. We challenge you to work on yourself, learn from Clint and Jennifer's insight on how good intimacy is a natural by-product of a strong relationship and how leading a life of obedience can strengthen your marriage. We round it up with effective communication tips, creating a culture of celebration, and investing in your relationship. Ready to find out how you can make your marriage the best it can be? Let's embark on this journey, shall we?

We are Trisha and Thomas Walker, licensed ministers, relationship coaches, & prayer counselors where we teach couples how to deepen their relationship with each other and with God. This is the Seeds For Your Marriage podcast where we share biblical wisdom and practical advice on building a strong, healthy, and fulfilling marriage rooted in faith. These marriage stories are to inspire you and give you a deeper understanding of God's design for marriage and steps to having a Christ-centered and thriving family.

For more visit:
https://trishaandthomas.com/podcast/

Learn about Trisha and Thomas Walker and their ministry, LGLP Ministries, Inc, visit:
https://trishaandthomas.com/

Transcript

Trisha Walker: 0:00

This is the Seeds for your Marriage podcast, where we interview married couples who have overcome difficulties in their marriage and share their testimony of how they did it. We want these tips and tools to inspire and help you thrive in your marriage.

Thomas Walker: 0:15

We are Tricia and Thomas Walker relationship coaches. We teach couples proven strategies to connect deeply and achieve God's design for an amazing marriage. Hello, and thank you for joining the Seeds for your Marriage podcast.

Trisha Walker: 0:35

Today we're going to be talking about cultivating a strong connection in marriage.

Thomas Walker: 0:39

And today we're so honored to be joined by Clint and Jennifer Adams, who are pastors of Revive Church in San Francisco, california.

Jennifer Adams: 0:47

Welcome to the show. Yes, thank you.

Thomas Walker: 0:49

So will you take a few minutes to introduce yourselves a little bit, about yourself, your ministry and also your relationship, how long you've been married, how many kids you have, et cetera.

Clint Adams: 1:00

Yeah, we've been in San Francisco now for five years and we've been married for 30 years. This August will be our 30th anniversary and so we moved to San Francisco. We're pastors of Revive Church in San Francisco. We came from Alabama to California Big difference, but we've really enjoyed it and we've got three kids.

Jennifer Adams: 1:27

Yeah, three children. Two are married and two grandchildren.

Thomas Walker: 1:32

Wow, wow. So the move from Alabama to California, that's a different podcast.

Jennifer Adams: 1:40

That is a different podcast. That's a story.

Thomas Walker: 1:43

Yeah, sure, One of the things that we've got had an opportunity to get to know you over the last few years, and it's been a blessing to us. One of the things that we know you value is friendship, and that the two of you consider yourselves to be best friends 30 years later.

Jennifer Adams: 2:00

Yes.

Thomas Walker: 2:01

Yes, can you. How did that happen? Yeah, you know for us.

Clint Adams: 2:07

I think that when you're cultivating a relationship, a marriage relationship, sometimes we work on the fruit of the marriage, like what needs to happen, instead of working on the root of the marriage. And the root of the marriage to me is the friendship. Right? It's that, yes, we love each other, we are best friends and that's just what we've really started. Even before we got married, we just enjoyed being with each other and so cultivating that.

Clint Adams: 2:41

And I know that many people sometimes separate and begin to do things separately. We talked about this like playing golf. I love to play golf, she loves to lay out at the beach, and sometimes you can go through life and I know, if we had the way we wanted to do things, I might be playing golf and she might be laying at the beach, but we wouldn't be doing. I wouldn't be laying at the beach and she wouldn't be playing golf. But as friends, we begin to love each other and love what the other one does, and so she plays golf with me, I go to the beach with her, and so we just begin to cultivate this relationship as a friendship.

Thomas Walker: 3:16

Yeah, it's really good. I think we talk about once a lot in some of the work that we do with couples and when you get aligned on the once, you know you're rowing in the same direction. And so the fact that now you want to go to the beach with Jennifer, even though it may not be your first love or your first passion, but it's now in your heart and your desire, because you know that that's something she wants, but without feeling like you have to do it, but you want to do it, that's right.

Jennifer Adams: 3:46

Yeah, and I think another key in that is staying connected, because if you, if you're, if your heart is to stay connected with the person, you'll do the things that they want to do to stay in relationship and connected with them.

Clint Adams: 4:00

Yeah, yeah. And in the scriptures and Proverbs, where it says you know, houses and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord, or a prudent mate is from the Lord. And I think that when you're, when you're doing this, you are proactive in your marriage. You're not reactive, right, and so you're proactively, I am. I'm actually working on my sex life by laying at the beach with her.

Clint Adams: 4:29

Right, I'm building intimacy by laying at the beach. She's building intimacy with me when she plays golf with me, and so when we get to the sexual relationship, it's not something that we have to work up to get there. We're already there. Yeah, and we've had our friendship every day, and so rarely are we aggravated, tired of each other, need to be away from each other because we are such good friends. I love that, clint.

Trisha Walker: 5:00

Yeah, jen you were talking about earlier, when we were talking just about the intentionality, and just how you grow up was so different than how you're leading your family now. So explain a little bit about what you know you were talking about there.

Jennifer Adams: 5:14

Yeah, my heart before we got married was to have a strong family and a strong marriage, and so I didn't see that play out in my family life and so that was a passion of mine is that I would have a strong family and a strong marriage, and so I went into the relationship with Clint with that perspective. That divorce was never in the equation, that I wanted to really be connected to this person Like I didn't even. I wasn't even raised in church, so I didn't know what the Bible says about becoming one, but that was my heart. I wanted to become one with this person and I didn't want to have any hidden stuff. I wanted it to be and I think that's important not to have hidden stuff, but to just really be open with one another and love one another at a deep level.

Trisha Walker: 6:11

So, yeah, yeah, that's really good.

Thomas Walker: 6:16

And you know there's a lot of things that can undermine a marriage in the process of becoming one. I first want to just say the importance of having that as an aspiration or a declaration right we will be one Divorce is not an option and just the importance of taking a stand and declaring what it is you will have in your marriage and not accepting just what comes your way.

Clint Adams: 6:40

Right, yeah, words are powerful, right, and so the declarations that we make are usually what comes about. And if you confess divorce or you talk about divorce, or you talk about separation, it's probably going to happen. And so what we have decided to do is to not talk about being separated, not live separated lives not live or even play the game to hurt each other or to get our way. So we've just chosen to live intentionally with our words that are they're powerful.

Thomas Walker: 7:16

And they create our future. They do create our future and even the future that we see as a possibility right, which is hope, and you know, hope deferred makes a heart grow sick. So we got to see the possibility is really important. Yeah, yeah.

Clint Adams: 7:30

And I think that one of those things like and is when we're talking about being intentional, this all leads to a good marriage. Right, it's to be intentional with your words, be intentional with your actions, and these are the seeds, your seeds, of marriage you guys are talking about. These are the seeds that we're sowing into that produce the fruit later, right yeah, and one of the most important things we do is we have a date every we have a date day and Monday is our off days.

Clint Adams: 8:03

I'm a pastor, so Sundays and all the weekends are usually busy. So on Monday that's our off day and every Monday we go on a date. That's the thing that we do. And so I had this given to me by Ryan Luce. He was over team mania ministries when I was younger and in the ministry and he said you need to have and we called it. We wanted to call it 666, but that didn't work. So because I mean I was like okay, 666 would be better, but we're calling it 777's plan and it's every seven days Jen and I have a date. Every seven weeks we try to spend the weekend together, and then every seven months we take a vacation together.

Clint Adams: 8:49

And if you're intentional about doing that and I think the most important one is the easiest one is to have a date with each other. And so what we do every Monday this last Monday we went kayaking on Lake Berryessa. We go, sometimes we play golf She'll play golf with me Sometimes we go to the beach, sometimes we just sit in the backyard and grill out, but we have a date together. And our funny thing is is that we can't talk about work, so Jen will bring up work to me and I'll say wait, we can't talk about work today, or she'll or I'll bring up work or the kids, or problems, because what you do is if you, you're constantly, as a couple, consumed with problems, then you will never enter into the joy of the relationship.

Jennifer Adams: 9:36

Yeah, and I think that's that you were asking about how do you stay married 30 years and still be happy? I think one of the big keys is is having fun together, is that you do fun things together and that everything is not serious. Everything is not about fixing the problems or whatever is going on in life because there's always going to be those things but allowing yourself to isolate yourself for a moment from those things and just enjoy one another and have fun, because a lot of times we get way too serious and we're more serious with our spouse than we might be with just our friends because we want to talk about everything that's going on and sometimes we just don't need to do that. We just need to have fun and just one another.

Thomas Walker: 10:21

Yeah, yeah, rest and enjoy each other.

Thomas Walker: 10:23

Yeah, and the joy of the Lord yeah, that's really good. And each other's company, of course, that's right. You know, one thing that I was just thinking of is I would imagine there's a lot of couples that they want this, they want the oneness, they want the joy, they want the intimacy. That's just not what they're seeing in their relationship right now. And if there's any ideas or things you have like, one thing you just said is hey, start with date night. Right, that's a practical thing that you can start to do Are there any other?

Thomas Walker: 10:55

just words of wisdom? Or how do I start to shift my relationship towards what I want if I'm standing in a place where it's not what I want?

Clint Adams: 11:06

Well, I can speak from a man standpoint. Some of the things that I've learned that I have to do to sew into Jennifer is I have to see her needs above my needs, right, and so, and one of the things she loves to hear is for me to say I love you and a lot of men they're very lax about telling their wife they love her or they I'm in love with you, or you're beautiful, and her ears is a way to her heart, right.

Clint Adams: 11:35

And so when I speak those things, it becomes you have to make that habit that I'm going to speak these positive things to my wife and I'm gonna let her know I love her. Some of the old men used to say I told you I loved you when we got married, and if it changes, I'll tell you. I'm not gonna ever tell you again. And so for me, I think that's yeah, we're kind of brutish men, but there's a part of us that needs to be romantic, and that's with our words. So sometimes I have written her poems. I've.

Clint Adams: 12:10

She loves these. She's smiling now and I just take I know that these are the things she loves, right. And so what we tend to do a lot of times is and we laugh about this she tends to get me a card on every holiday. Why? Because she loves cards. I could care less about cards, right. But if I'm smart, I could see what she's doing and then I can start getting brownie points right by buying her cards, because that's what she's saying. She's saying I love cards right, and so I think that these are some of the things that I'm doing as a husband, and I'm always just trying to do things like. Another thing that helps is and I don't like doing it, but I do it is I do dishes, I wash dishes and she loves that. She cooks the meal.

Jennifer Adams: 13:02

And you're the sous chef.

Clint Adams: 13:04

I am the sous chef.

Jennifer Adams: 13:05

I love when he comes in and cooks with me. Well, he just kind of does what I say, but anyway.

Clint Adams: 13:10

Cut this up, do this.

Jennifer Adams: 13:14

And that's fun.

Clint Adams: 13:15

Yeah. So again, these are practical things that you do, that they're sewing into your marriage, and it's gonna reap an intimacy.

Jennifer Adams: 13:26

Yeah, and I wanna speak to that just a moment, because in the scripture it talks about doing the things you did at first. And I would say to that question is go and do the things you did at first, think about your first love and how you love them when you first fell in love with this person, and revisit that and do those things that you used to do, because a lot of times we quit doing those things. You know that really drew that mate and I would say revisit doing those things and rekindle, ask the Lord. Ask the Lord to rekindle your love for that person, because I believe that he will do that. And then, being intentional with your choices and what you're doing, that your intention is to stay connected and if your intention is okay, my goal is that I will always be connected to this person. How am I gonna do that? What does that look like? And just some of the stuff that Clint said. Those are things that you can do to be intentional and make the choice of staying connected to that person.

Thomas Walker: 14:33

Yeah that's really good.

Clint Adams: 14:34

One other thing let me say that's very important to Jennifer, has always been important to her is eating meals together, so our first date was to a crab leg buffet and she had crab leg juice coming out of her sides of her mouth and everything, but it was gorgeous.

Thomas Walker: 14:55

And you knew, I knew it, I knew it, I loved it.

Clint Adams: 14:59

But, even today we'll eat breakfast together and we'll sit down at the table and eat breakfast together. We'll eat dinner together at night and sometimes we separate our ways and as a man, you know, you get off work, you get your plate, go sit in front of the TV the giants are on, you know and sometimes we'll do that. That's not all the time but probably, you know, eight or 10 times a week we are sitting at the table together and no distractions, just enjoying a meal together.

Thomas Walker: 15:31

That's good yeah.

Trisha Walker: 15:33

Yeah, wow, yeah. Well, you're talking about not being an autopilot. You know, so often I think marriages can get on autopilot and I think so often marriages that were two people work together full time, like you all do it can be. The focus can be so much on all the problems, all of the you know if it's a business that they own together, you know the bills that have to get paid for the business and the employees that are not showing up on time or whatever. But you guys are really making, being intentional, making sure that you are having that fun together, that you're still enjoying one another, and I love that.

Thomas Walker: 16:11

I love it too, because it doesn't cost anything. Yeah, that's right, but it can give you everything, that's right.

Jennifer Adams: 16:17

Yeah.

Thomas Walker: 16:18

Yeah, that's really good. So I love the insight about fruit versus root.

Clint Adams: 16:23

Yes.

Thomas Walker: 16:24

And making sure that you know when we cultivate the soil has to be, the conditions have to be right for those seeds to grow. Yes, so going underneath the surface to you know the things that are gonna produce and generate the outcomes that we desire in our relationship and, I think, the being vulnerable to. I'm hearing that you both work on yourself, not each other in a way that you know, jennifer, you need to do this.

Thomas Walker: 16:50

It's no, clint, how can I get better as a husband? Um, and you're asking yourself the same thing as a wife. Is that is that accurate?

Clint Adams: 16:59

Yes, yeah, and I think that's an idea of being prudent, right, is that? Uh, I can really only take care of what's in my lane. I can't make her a better wife, but I can make myself a better husband, and if I become a better husband, more likely, more than likely she's going to become a better wife. And if she becomes a better wife, more than likely I'm going to become a better husband, right?

Jennifer Adams: 17:20

Yeah, imprudence. When we looked it up, it is showing care for the future, so it's not about the here and now and so many times that's that's the way we live life and our relationships. Is self gratification immediate and prudence is looking to the future. What can I do that's going to make our future better together? Yeah, yeah.

Thomas Walker: 17:43

Yeah, yeah, that's good. That just reminds me of um. You know, when we show care for the future. Sometimes, when we think about our thoughts, our words and our actions, the things that we do today are determining what happens tomorrow.

Jennifer Adams: 17:57

Yes.

Thomas Walker: 17:57

Right, and so is what I'm about to say going to produce the thing in the relationship that I want.

Clint Adams: 18:05

That's right, that's right, that's good, yeah, yeah and again, most of us, when we think about a good marriage, the joy of the marriage, it comes to intimacy and we think of sex when we think of intimacy and uh, sorry, we don't talk about sex on that show we think of hugging.

Clint Adams: 18:28

But, you know, and we, we automatically think of the sexual relationship because we've, we're such a sexual society and the sex is good, right, I mean, but it is a fruit of what you've been doing, where the roots come from, right and so, um, the washing dishes makes a better sex life you know the uh, the golf dates, the beach dates.

Clint Adams: 18:53

That makes a better sex life, and so I'm not working on my sex life, um, uh, working on my marriage, but the fruit of it is a great sex life, a great relationship, joy in the marriage, being happy, not arguing. You know, uh, I say this proudly, jen and I have rarely ever been in an argument. Uh, in our marriage we, I mean, we argue, but it's not like we've never separated, never even talked about separating. We've never, uh, had moments where we thought I want to, I don't want to be in this relationship, and so that's 30 years and so, um, my parents were a good example, and so that was, uh, one of the you know reasons, as I was raised this way. But, uh, but uh, you know that is everybody that's listening to this podcast, can?

Thomas Walker: 19:46

have that type of marriage. I was just going to say that it's available to everyone.

Jennifer Adams: 19:50

Yeah, and it doesn't matter if that was your role or not, but role model, like he had a different role model with family than I did and but everyone has a choice and it you can have a negative experience and turn it around to be what you want to be. You don't have to let that define you. So if there's people out there that that say you know, I don't even know what a good family looks like or whatever, well, search it out. You know it's your choice of what you want it to be.

Thomas Walker: 20:24

Yeah, it's good you were going to say something.

Trisha Walker: 20:27

Well, it's just, I'm really hearing just leading a real, an obedient life, you know, taking every thought captive bringing every thought to the obedience of Christ, and so when you're doing that and you're in your, that becomes a habit in your life. Then you don't have these um thoughts of going the the other way. That's right, that's right because your, your mind has stayed on the thing, on you know, on together, I'm being together. Your mind has stayed on the things of Christ.

Jennifer Adams: 20:59

Yes, yeah, that's good.

Trisha Walker: 21:01

Um, so we've talked about intimacy and that was going to be a question also. We've talked about some of intimacy, about friends. I am thinking of a couple that the wife mentioned to me that she is. They're very good friends. She and her husband are very good friends, but they don't have sex whatsoever and she's not even attracted to him and she married him. She knew she wasn't attracted to him, but they were amazing friends and I know there could be a lot tied into that. There's a lot of history maybe you don't know about, but I love what you were saying, Jennifer, even just about asking God to rekindle our love for our spouse. So I believe that it's possible to even rekindle our connection or attractiveness to our spouse.

Trisha Walker: 21:54

Can you, can you talk a little bit about that?

Jennifer Adams: 21:57

Yeah, um, you know, I, I believe uh, benny Johnson said this at a conference that sexual relations with your mate is a weapon of warfare. And I do believe that because that's something that you have with this person that you don't have with anyone else and it is covenant. It's a covenant relationship through the cutting of the covenant and, um, I believe that sexual relations are very important. I believe there's a connectivity that you get from that, especially when you're living the life that we're talking about, not just having sex, but, um, there's, there's a connection that comes, that is um, is so, um, it's so intimate and binding that you feel different about that person than you would any other friend.

Jennifer Adams: 22:48

Um, so I would say, I believe that, even if you didn't feel, if this couple did not feel like they wanted to do that, but that they started doing that and asking the Lord to rekindle that and show the show. Why, what, what is the reason that I feel this way? That God would start to um, connect them in a in a deeper level, and that their heart would change. In that, sometimes I think we have to make that step before our heart changes and then God changes our heart. You know, even with him. We sometimes we don't feel like reading our Bible or whatever, but when we make that step towards him and we do those things through faith, he awakens in our heart things that we don't feel like we have.

Trisha Walker: 23:38

Yeah.

Jennifer Adams: 23:38

So I believe it's the same way with a marriage. You know it's the same thing, same principle.

Clint Adams: 23:44

Yeah, I've never had a problem uh, not wanting say just being honest here, but I have had problems where, um, you become so busy that it's easier just to not do it. Yeah, yeah, Right. And so I think that that again is when you're being intentional. There used to be times when we were both working where we would say, okay, tuesday night and Saturday nights is sex night, we're going to have sex, right, yeah, and, and that way she cause I've made harass her all week long If we didn't have a time, right, I mean, like I'm, I'm owner case, I'm like, but uh, that almost works for me too, buddy.

Thomas Walker: 24:26

I know it's out there and I'm still like, but wait, that's there. So what about some bonus?

Clint Adams: 24:32

Bonus back.

Clint Adams: 24:35

So uh so, but that when I was busy, that's what we would. We would do. We would have to schedule it. We'd say, okay, we're going to. You can't plan something on Tuesday night, you can't plan something on Saturday night, and we can't come in here tired, right? Because if you're tired, you just don't want to do anything. So, uh, I think that's a part of the culture's problem today is that many people are so busy doing work, doing all of these other things, that they kind of push their relationship out to the side and it's just easier just to be friends and for some to not have sex, and so I think that's a sad life. I really do, cause God created sex. So, uh, it's so powerful and so beautiful and like.

Clint Adams: 25:20

Jen said and it's holy and it's part of the covenant. It's part of the covenant, uh, you know the cutting of the covenant when, uh, sex first happened between man and a woman and a woman bleeds. It was the cutting of the covenant and that's what makes us one, it's not the, the uh. I believe that that scripture is so supernatural it's probably one of the most supernatural scriptures in the Bible is that he can make two flesh, two flesh, two people become one flesh, and uh, and so this is something that's so unique to only those who are married. It's powerful.

Jennifer Adams: 25:56

And I would say I would be shocked if I don't know who you're talking about, but I would be shocked if both members feel that way that they don't want to have sex, Like if the man and the woman feel that way, I would be kind of surprised. And so that brings me back to preferring your mate above yourself as well, and I believe in that, the one that is not desiring that that once they do that, that those desires change. I do believe your desires can change if you will press forward and ask the Lord. You know, um, but, but it's not all about me and what I want, Um, so yeah, that's good.

Trisha Walker: 26:39

Yeah, I think it's important not to give our spouse our leftover and we can give them our leftover energy, our leftover time. And then you, at the end of the day, you look, you know why are we not friends or why are we not? You know, why is he preferring to go on vacation without me and I'm, you know, preferring to go on a vacation with my girls? Because we haven't given each other like the good of each other.

Thomas Walker: 27:10

Yes.

Trisha Walker: 27:10

I want to give him the best of me and he wants to give me the best of him, you know, and so, um, and that that takes being like you said, being intentional. It takes putting our phones down and getting off a social media or turning off the TV and just enjoying each other and being together and and what?

Jennifer Adams: 27:28

what does it feel like to my spouse If I'm more present and energetic with these people, these other people, but then when I'm with him, I'm just shut down because it's comfortable. You know you have to. You have to be careful about that. Like you said, that don't give your leftovers to your spouse. Give them your best, just like you would anyone else that you don't spend time with very often. Yeah, you want to give them that same amount of attention On the next episode of seeds for your marriage.

Clint Adams: 28:04

And one thing, Jen and I never we decided long time ago, was that, um, we would be number one, not the kids. And you know the Bible says for this cause, uh, uh, man and woman will leave their father and mother, right.

Thomas Walker: 28:21

Um, so share a little bit if you will summarize or any new nuggets. Like people are out there, they need encouragement, they need hope, they need faith and some practical steps that they can maybe take to start to move in the in a different direction If they're not getting what they want right now.

Jennifer Adams: 28:36

The first step is making sure that the Lord is in the relationship, because marriage doesn't. Marriage doesn't just happen, but you need God in the relationship.

Trisha Walker: 28:48

Thank you for listening to seeds for your marriage with hosts Trisha and Thomas Walker. We pray this episode has given you tips and tools on how to thrive in your marriage. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Trisha and Thomas.

Thomas Walker: 29:06

We want to hear from you. Be sure to leave a review and let us know how we're doing. It's our desire that this podcast completely benefits you, so also, let us know future marriage topics that you would like to hear about.