Why You Feel Tense Around Certain People (And What to Do About It)

I worked with someone who moved the boundary lines daily. Some days she was warm and open. Other days? Ice cold. I never knew which version I'd get. The relationship became dysfunctional because it impeded our ability to work together—and it made me increasingly tense.

The truth is, people can elevate our stress and anxiety. In this episode, I break down six reasons why certain relationships might be draining you.

I'll share practical strategies for both work relationships (where you have fewer options) and casual or family relationships (where you might need to pull back for your own wellness). 

Resources:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/energy-vampire

https://www.gaslightingcheck.com/blog/analyzing-coercive-language-in-gaslighting

https://ctrinstitute.com/blog/10-strategies-for-dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/

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Transcript

Work relationship are tough sometimes. I worked with a nurse who moved the boundary lines daily in how we interacted with one another. Some days she was an open book, friendly and warm. I assumed this meant I could share patient stories and ask questions. It all depended on the day, her mood, and who knows what. 

I liked her but she set the rules of engagement. As co-workers, this was frustrating. I became more and more tense. The relationship qualified as dysfunctional because it impeded our ability to work together as Well as her collaboration with other nurses as well.

Your anxiety or stress increases around certain people. But do you know why? 

Here’s six reasons it happens based on psychology research.

The Unpredictable Mood

You enter their presence with trepidation. Will they be friendly or annoyed? You never know what mood they’ll be in. You may get a chilly reception or a welcoming one. The inconsistent verbal and non-verbal messages from prior encounters cause uncertainty and tension within you.

Boundary Issues

Boundary issues cause stress because the friend, coworker, or family member may demand more of you than you want to give. An introvert may feel an extrovert or assertive personality breaching their boundary lines. Some individuals seek more-more time, more communication, or provide personal stories expecting you to reciprocate.  

You may have a friend frequently shares frustration and is tearful about her relationship or circumstances in her life. A sister calls or texts daily relaying how miserable she has it. Or, there’s that friend who’s always “running things by you” because you’re such a big help. Someone else knows you’ll do them a favor and they ask a lot of favors.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Interactions with passive-aggressive behavior are unsettling. Praise contains sarcasm, and compliments have a cynical tone. You enter the conversation as if entering a battle zone. You have anticipatory stress or anxiety.

Energy vampires

Energy vampires make you feel depleted after being in their presence. Conversation centers on themselves. Energy depleters need reassured and affirmed as they describe how the world is against them. They make sure you know their situation is worse than anyone else and one-up often. They show no interest in your life. 

Secondhand stress

You and everybody have stressors, worries a little or a lot, and may have anxiety. It makes sense you would absorb some of their stress and vice versa as you communicate on a variety of topics. That’s not a problem unless their anxiety and overthinking intensify your anxiety or worry. 

Relationship triggers

Conversations contain criticism, and manipulative phrases to trigger fear and insecurity. Blame-shifting or evading responsibility fall under the term “gaslighting”. You are always on guard, tensely anticipating another negative episode.

What You Can Do:

You have more options in casual relationships than in work-related ones. Here are a few tips:

Work Relationships:

Determine what it is they do or say that creates tension for you. When you know the trigger, then you gain power over how you will react to the tension it creates for you. When your anxiety or tension rises, take at least 5 seconds before you respond or act. A few seconds of silence can make an enormous difference in the outcome.

Psychologists say address the issue with the person you believe is passive-aggressive, breaching boundaries, gaslighting, etc. Use “I statements”. Explain how their words made you feel. Psychologists say ignoring the behavior might reinforce it and will not bring a solution.

I have tried this, and it hasn’t worked out well for me. But, I communicated what I felt and stood up for myself.

Limit the time you interact with that person or on the phone.

Casual and Family Relationships:

It might be important for you to determine what you value and do not value in the relationship or friendship. If the relationship has value, then:

Determine what they do or say that creates tension for you.

Limit the time you interact with that person. If you know the longer you interact with them, the more tense you become, set a time limit if possible.

Reduce internal tension by recalling the other person’s positive attributes as you interact. You are together for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes remembering why you are together can become the focus rather than how they make you feel. Not always, but sometimes. 

Honest conversation between you and the other person can reveal the true value of the relationship to them and to you. Make them aware of what you think and feel. They may value their relationship with you so much so they are willing to make the necessary changes to how they communicate and behave around you.

If you have no firm boundaries in your relationships, you may be bearing your stress and their stress, a load you can’t carry. Your life isn’t stress free and their stress can silently increase yours and tap your resources.

If you feel the relationship is too stressful, pull back. Let them know you’ll be out of touch for a while as you manage life issues. No other explanation is necessary. Friendship divorce is a thing and perhaps the next step for your own mental and emotional wellness. 

Of course, a self-evaluation is important. We can be a stressor to friends, family, and co-workers. Do you need to adjust how you interact with someone? Do you need to lower expectations from friends or family? In your relationships, do you give as much as you take? 

For more information on this topic for living well in relationship with others, check out the references in the episode description for further information. You can google Stressful personalities for a specific focus.

Thank you for listening. I hope you’ll watch my YouTube Channel Anchored Not Anxious for special videos. My website is up and waiting for your visit. Go to anchorednotanxious.com and sign up for the twice a month CareLetter.

I’d love to hear from you. Leave a comment wherever you listen. Check the website for email and Facebook contacts.

Until next time.

Resources:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/energy-vampire

https://www.gaslightingcheck.com/blog/analyzing-coercive-language-in-gaslighting

https://ctrinstitute.com/blog/10-strategies-for-dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/