EP122: The 7-Day Sex Challenge, Toddler Chaos, & Ending Self-Abandonment

Hey lovers, we are finally back! After an eight-month hiatus of navigating the wild, destructive, and profoundly beautiful reality of raising a toddler (and saving our podcast equipment from him), we are back in the studio and so ready to reconnect with you all.

In this episode, we dive straight into the deep end by unpacking our recent "7 Days of Sex" challenge. We share why we decided to treat intimacy as a devoted, daily practice, how we navigated the nights we were exhausted, and why calibrating your desires to the present moment is a game-changer for your relationship.

Meg gets incredibly real about "self-abandonment" in sex—why so many women endure rather than communicate their true desires, and how fully inhabiting your pleasure in the bedroom transforms who you are out in the world. Jacob opens up about his recent internal shifts: letting go of the pressure to always be "useful," embracing his inherent worth, and deciding to stop living in the "when/then" scarcity trap.

We also explore the illusion of control in relationships, why you shouldn't tie your ability to relax to whether or not your partner takes out the bins, and how to hold the visionary desire for more while remaining deeply anchored in the beauty of right now.

Grab a coffee (or a glass of wine), and let's get into it. Enjoy the episode!

Connect with us:

• Follow Meg on Instagram: @themegoneill
• Follow Jacob on Instagram: @thejacoboneill
• Loved this episode? Please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your lover or a friend who needs to hear it!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The other end of self-abandonment in sex is like fully inhabiting the truth of the moment and your desire in the moment. Like if you, for example, were going down on me and I'm like, oh, this is like too quick or too fast, or the the stroke you're using is just a bit intense for me. Instead of just waiting until you you do something else, which is a form of self-abandonment, to be like, I'm not enjoying this, but I don't want to speak up and he I might offend him or like let me just let me just get through it. Get through it.

SPEAKER_07 0:30

There's something way more valuable than whether you sign up to my program or not now. Whether you do or not, I'm switching off and I'm gonna go and be with my son, I'm gonna go and be with my wife, I'm gonna go and cook dinner and I'm gonna laugh and I'm gonna listen to music and I'm going to acknowledge and recognise and relate with the inherent beauty that is here right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Just want to say one more thing. This is why I truly believe sex for many women is like the arena where so much healing gets to happen and they truly get to move beyond patterns of uh stank small, diluting their desires, pushing down their voice.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

Yo lovers, welcome to Sex Love and Everything in Between with Jacob and Meg.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

This is the place we have real, raw, very deep, and sometimes incredibly spicy conversations about relationships and sex. Let's get into it. Enjoy the episode.

SPEAKER_07 1:25

Three, two, one. Hey lovers.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Hello. Well we back.

SPEAKER_07 1:38

Are we back or what?

SPEAKER_00 1:40

We meant to have like uh two weeks off, maybe, maybe a month.

SPEAKER_07 1:44

We were having a maximum month off.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

And what has it been? Maybe like eight months.

SPEAKER_07 1:48

It feels like it's been two seconds.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Yeah, and um, if you DM'd us in that time, I got so many DMs being like, have you guys like quit the podcast? You know the podcast. You guys still together. But we are back and we are in a glorious studio. We've like turned up the volume, quantum leaped. Our podcast game. No, we also we had to stop because Oshi, our son, what he was like a year old, and we had our podcast chairs and like all the podcast equipment set up in our living room. Yes, and he was pretty good at not touching it for the majority of the time. And then when he started fully walking, it was just like game over.

SPEAKER_07 2:32

This is he destroyed the podcast equipment.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Yeah, oh yeah, he would get he would get the buttons and he would pull the buttons.

SPEAKER_07 2:38

All the buttons came off the mixer. He was that's right. So he was yeah, incredibly destructive.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Yeah, he kind of is so yeah. We put all the equipment away and we were like, yeah, we don't know.

SPEAKER_07 2:49

We'll get this out next week and we'll we'll have it all we'll just do it every time.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Yeah, but anyway, now we're here in a glorious studio, and this is so much easier.

SPEAKER_07 2:58

Yes, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Have we forgotten our podcast? What do we say?

SPEAKER_07 3:07

I think we fill everyone in, hey, like it's been like I'm sure people are wondering what we've been up to, and I think the actual reality of parenting kicked in. I think like the actual weight of the responsibility kicked in for both of us, running our businesses and being in relationship, and it was almost asked us to find our feet.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

I found that like I feel like the first year for me into parenthood was quite easeful. Of course, there were like challenging moments, but it was a lot more easeful than I expected. Yes, and then he started walking, and I feel like and he walked a few weeks after his first birthday. I feel like those first few months of like toddlerhood, oh, that was a bit challenging for me. Because I felt like suddenly I could just kind of live my normal life the first year. Like I could strap him onto me, I could go, and especially when he was like a baby baby, I could go and just like go to a cafe for hours and hours and do my thing. And then when he started walking, it's like, oh, okay. He started to develop his own little like he's he is this he decides where we like we're going to what park, we gotta go somewhere where he can't sprint onto a road. Like it just everything became like okay, everything is um, you know, he dictates where we're going and what my life looks like now, which was a little challenging for a few months and now it's glorious.

SPEAKER_07 4:33

I feel like there's like a real vulnerability in that because you want it. I what I learned too is like you have to be present, you don't have a choice. Yeah, you don't have a choice, or you do have a choice, I'm sure you you don't have to be present, but for us it was like oh, he is now exploring greater risks, and he wants to pull all the books off the bookshelf, he wants to climb up onto the couch and jump onto the coffee table, he wants to rush out and eat rocks, and he wants to drink out of the dog bowl. There's so many things that he now doesn't know, he just doesn't know the rules. And if you try to communicate the rules to an 18-month-old child, they don't actually understand you, they don't actually care that the rules are there.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

What rules?

SPEAKER_07 5:18

Don't drink out of the dog bowl, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:20

We we drink like good high-quality spring water in our home.

SPEAKER_07 5:24

It's a family value.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Uh yeah, high quality water is a value of ours.

SPEAKER_07 5:28

Our son not a value of his, apparently.

SPEAKER_00 5:31

He loves the tap the dog water that's been sitting outside.

SPEAKER_07 5:34

Or water out of the shower at the beach, the tap water like hot it tastes like.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

At the end of our driveway, there was a pool like a pool of water when it had been raining in the gutter, and he got down like a little dog and drank it. Yeah, we have a feral child, which I am all about.

SPEAKER_07 5:50

I love it.

SPEAKER_00 5:51

I love that he's so wild and he's also like really affectionate.

SPEAKER_07 5:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Like right now, even before I left, he's with our au pair right now, which also best fucking decision.

SPEAKER_07 6:00

Au pair, if you're a parent in the just get an au pair. Stop pretending like you can do it all. You're not you're awesome, but you're not that awesome.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

Yeah, it's it's yeah, because we had a nanny, and then it just this is just like a way.

SPEAKER_07 6:12

Oh, we probably have to talk about our nanny leaving. That was sad.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

That was really sad, but that was beautiful, but sad. It was very emotional. Um, but what was I about to say? Oh, before we left, I said, um, can I have a kiss? He just comes and kisses me on the lips. Can I have a cuddle or cuddle? And he comes and runs off and gives me a cuddle. He's so affectionate, it's the cutest. We're just gonna talk about our son. So this is now about O'Sheen. Yeah, sex, love, and O'Sheen. That's creepy. Okay, enough about our son, but also we fill in everyone in on. We just did another round of our seven days of sex.

SPEAKER_07 6:53

We thought we're coming back to the podcast. Let's let's let's like get the energy flowing. We've got to come in with some content. We wanted to bring you guys some stuff.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Um, also, I think it was you uh you know I love a challenge.

SPEAKER_07 7:05

You love a challenge.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

I think you um really had a lot of uh sexual energy moving through your body.

SPEAKER_07 7:13

Yeah, I was really horny, so I I suggested it. I was like, I don't know how to, I know how to get her, I know how to get her over the line. Should we do it?

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Should we do this again? Should this be a way that we deep in together? I was like, uh yes.

SPEAKER_07 7:24

I was just craving.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Yeah, we did. So for those who didn't uh didn't know last year, we did a when was it, maybe August? It was probably one of our last episodes before we went MIA. Um, we obviously we were in our first year of parenting and our sex life didn't look like it did before we became parents. Yeah, it's still having incredible deep sex, just not as frequent as it once was. And so we decided to have a challenge of having sex every day for seven days just to like reignite us and like just be in that like devotional practice of intimacy because we were finding as parents that if we were just waiting for both of us to feel turned on, alive, have space whether nanny was there or our son was asleep, it was just there was too many variables that was never aligning. That that just was impossible. So we realized actually we need to be showing up to this like a like a spiritual practice, like a daily practice. And so the first round of our seven days of sex, it was so it was so beautiful. We were like often we would leave it just classic us till like 11 o'clock at night or 11:30 at night. Um but yeah, it was so beautiful. We and go back to the episode, it's somewhere, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 8:40

Yeah, you'll find it.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

Yeah, but this time around, it was still really beautiful, not as beautiful.

SPEAKER_07 8:46

We didn't get an A plus.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

And we didn't. I'm like a recovering high achiever, so we didn't last time. I was like, yes, we every day, seven days. This time it was more like four or four or five, four point five, maybe. Yeah, yeah, that night that we got in yab yum position, and then we both fell asleep.

SPEAKER_07 9:04

Yeah, we got into a really beautiful, synchronized breath, and then we both woke up and like we were like, what have we been asleep for? I think like the main thing about this practice, if anyone's like, Well, you know, oh god, that feels like a lot of pressure. It's like it's actually meant to create pressure, so you come together and you actually like massage each other back to like back into intimacy, back into connection, and like I felt so in love with you. Like, like, not that I am not in love with you all the other times, but I just felt like how in love with you. I was like, I like oh, I'm I'm really I could just really appreciate and be in like gratitude for our our relationship, and it just really injects a sense of aliveness into our lives, yes, and I think why this practice is so beautiful is it's not as if when we're doing this, we're like, okay, we're in seven days of sex, quickly, let's fuck, like let's just get it done.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

It's like we show up and we go, Oh, okay, we're choosing this tonight. But then we've got to be with what's there in the space in order to be able to make love. Or sometimes it's not necessarily like penetrative sex, it could be something, you know, completely different, but it's so beautiful to honor and bring, like there's been so many times, especially that first round that we did where I came and it was like, I'm tired, I don't feel like it. But it's like I brought that and it was like, okay, let's be with that. My tiredness gets to be here. The part of me that feels closed and contracted gets to be here. Like, what can we do with that? Instead of trying to bypass that to fuck or make love. Yes, it's like, let's be with that. There's an ach, there's like a real honing of attunement in that as well.

SPEAKER_07 10:52

There's almost a you have to arrive in the experience as you are. You can't dress it up or pretend, especially because that's not what we do.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

We're so no, and I think you can. For you know, for many years, I did this in my, you know, in probably you didn't. In the earliest stages of our sake, I never faked it. I used to fake it a lot in other relationships, but not with me, of course. I don't think I ever I've ever faked it with you. Um, but there would be this sense of like, oh, I'm not in it. Um I don't know, just kind of self-abandoning in a way to just get it done, maybe out of duty, maybe like, oh, this is um yeah, let's he really wants it or uh I don't I don't actually really remember, but I know that there wasn't the degree of here's what's alive in me, I'm gonna be with that. Like I I do not self-abandon in sex at all anymore. And I just think, you know, I work with a lot of women around sex and pleasure and intimacy. This is something that I think majority of women, even if it's to a small degree or other women, you know, uh don't know sex without self-abandonment, right? Yeah, that there is, yeah, there is just such a um such a culture that that this is how we, you know, if this is just how it is, this is what he wants, or he's inside of me and he's already ready and like, oh, I'm not really into it, this isn't feeling good, but it'll be over soon. Um, you know, all of these different things.

SPEAKER_07 12:22

Yeah, almost like you're not, it's not necessarily that you don't want it, it's just that the way in which it's happening is not fully in reverence for the way in which you are opening.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Yes, and I think the di the difference that's probably a huge thing for so many people. Yeah, the other, the other end of self-abandonment in sex is like fully inhabiting the truth of the moment and your desire in the moment. Right? So it could be like if you, for example, were going down on me and I'm like, oh, this is like too quick or too fast, or the the stroke you're using is just a bit intense for me. Um, instead of just you know, waiting until you you do something else, which is a form of self-abandonment, to be like, I'm not enjoying this, but I don't want to speak up and he I might offend him, or let me just, let me just, you know, get like get through it, get through it, versus oh, can you go a little slower? Or it would feel, oh, I can feel my body just needs needs to slow down a little bit. Can you go a little slower? Can you come back up? And sometimes I sometimes I'll say that to you if it's just, oh, like actually my pussy needs more, or my whole body needs more space to kind of come alive in my turn on. So I might be like, oh, can you come out up and make out with me? Or can you can you touch my inner thighs a little more? Like that fully inhabiting the desire of the moment, which is such I just want to say one more thing. This is why I truly believe sex for many women is like the arena where so much healing gets to happen and they truly get to move beyond patterns of uh staying small, diluting their desires, pushing down their voice. Like in a moment like that, it might seem so simple to go, oh well, it's it's feeling okay. But when you know it would feel even fucking better if it was to be slowed down, that becomes an arena where you can totally shift who you are as a woman by being the woman that inhabits the desire and speaks the desire into the space. And I always say, how you fuck is how you do life. So when a woman learns how to do that in the bedroom, again, it might seem so small, but when she learns to no longer self-abandon but fully inhabit her desire and speak it and own it and like live it, feel it, express it, who does she fucking become in the world? Rant over.

SPEAKER_07 14:43

I also feel that it's a great indication if when a woman is able to communicate that for a man to be like, hang on, why am I in a rush? Hang on, do I even want to have sex? Hang on, do I actually want to be do I do I want to be doing this, or am I just doing this because I think this is what I'm gonna I need to do to get what I want? Actually, have I not spoken up about my own desires? Would I like to be touched? Would I like to be like why am I going straight for what she wants, what I think she wants? So is that what I've found too for a lot of men, or even in those moments, I'm like, hang on, what am I trying to achieve here? Yes, and that in itself I can even feel in my body when I when I admit that it's like, oh, there's a level of like frustration. I'm like, oh why can't it just be easy? Why can't I? And that's like that's what is here, that's the material that we're here to work with.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

And that this is where, and we've spoken about this so many times, but when and and we were so conscious about this, maybe like five or six years ago. Remember how we started to have those conversations around like how do we define sex? Like, what is sex to us? What is our definition of sex? And just realizing how I think a lot most humans, you know, just take on this imprint that sex is orgasm or sex is rubbing genitals together, right? Where we got to be like, oh, like sex is you know, our bodies connecting, sex is us like really revealing ourselves to each other. Sex is like, you know, us connecting and like I think you used to say a lot, like our hearts must arrive in the space first. So it's like this spiritual practice where we're being called to bring our hearts together and have our hearts, you know, you know, and sometimes that's a really vulnerable process to be like, oh, to really arrive and really be seen. And sometimes because if there's something heavy on your heart, yeah. Right? So things to be said or things to be expressed so that the heart can arrive in the space.

SPEAKER_07 16:43

Or maybe the heart's carrying something that in this space it can alchemize as well. Like there's been so many moments in our sex where what I thought it was going to look like, it ends up looking nothing like. But in that, we're gifted something that like we're because we're we're we're we're attuning to what is there, we get an opportunity to move something that maybe wasn't able to move before. That yeah, and that's why relations like having a relationship is like one of the gifts of our our life is that it can be if you choose it to be a space for healing, but not just healing, it's like a space for like parts of you to really come alive. Yes, so both of those things, and um yeah, I'm just super grateful.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Yeah, I just that like alchemy you spoke of that like when we stretch beyond the idea of sex being just rubbing genitals together or getting somewhere, like getting to orgasm, because there is that's a when you orient towards sex or another person's body and your own body from that way, that is when the pace gets sped up, and then you know, there's just like let's get to that place, and we push down anything that's there in the way of that or doesn't seem like it's convenient on the way to orgasm or on the way to you know that where when it's just like oh, we're here to have our hearts arrive, explore each other's bodies, and just be here for the alchemical process, which is intimacy and love making, like, right? Like it's I just love that because it isn't, even though we had incredible orgasms in our life, like in the seven days of sex that just happened, it was never just like oh, let's let's fuck and let's you know, let's get to that place. Although sometimes we have an energy of like I had that definitely in me.

SPEAKER_07 18:34

I was feeling that. I was you might have to speak for yourself on that. But I just wanted to split you in half, I wanted to like grab you and rip you in the like I wanted to destroy you.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

I've could but I feel like there's never, yes, I feel that. And how do I express this in the way that it's like the animal and wild parts of us get to be present, but there's also a I don't like the word control over that part of us. They don't override us because I think I think every woman listening to this probably knows what it's like to be with a man that is connected to his wild, but it overrides the experience so that maybe he, maybe the woman feels like, oh my god, he's so he's just rushing himself to orgasm. Which is a little bit accusing me to fuck so I can't. Yeah, he's losing consciousness, right? And so, yes, the animal, the wild, the like fuck energy gets to be there, but the wrapped in consciousness and attunement to what's here, what's alive is yeah, that that is like that's the good stuff.

SPEAKER_06 19:35

That is the good stuff.

SPEAKER_07 19:36

But also, like, I just want to like when we I don't know if it was the first or second night where you weren't feeling that you're like, I don't know if I'm gonna have a different day, I don't know if it was like, what if we just made out for one minute? Yeah, what if and this is something I was feeling so much resistance, and sometimes yeah, with with you know, even for us, like sex, it's like oh it's this whole thing, it's like oh it's oh it's gonna take me this long to warm up, then we've got it, oh, and this, and then that, and then that, and then that, and then and then maybe, and then and then even then we might not it might not feel it's like oh the when we look at it as the whole the whole experience or the whole spectacle that it's sex is we can sometimes be overwhelmed by it if we're not feeling as resourced, or as turn if you're not connected to your turn on, yeah getting to a place of turn-on and then being in the experience can feel like so much. You can feel like oh look how big that how tall that mountain is. I do not want to climb it. I'm not, I'm too tired. I just want to rest. I just I just want to read my book. Yeah, that's you're like so. And we're about to put a ban on stupid fiction books in our house.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

I love crime novels, guys.

SPEAKER_07 20:39

And Jacob really doesn't like that. I like crime novels.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Yeah, so it just holds me like I don't like reading personal development or anything like that before bed. Personal development, and I don't like the very smart dragon books, guys. People have tried to convince me they're good.

SPEAKER_07 20:54

They will boycott you for that. No, but I'll yeah, what I was saying was when we condensed the expectation down into one minute of just making out, it was enough for us to commit fully to. I can devote myself for one minute.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

That and you just turned to me and said, What if, yeah, what if we just made out for the next 60 seconds?

SPEAKER_07 21:16

My hope was that that 60 seconds would lead.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

And you were like, That's all it needs to be. And I knew as soon as like I leant in, I was like, Oh, immediately. I can feel it already. You can feel it right now. Um, but yeah, that was, and that was so so beautiful for you to notice my resistance in that. And I was speaking that into the space, but for you to be like, okay, let's break this down. Let's what is the access point instead of us, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 21:43

I would call that calibrating to what what what we could contain. Like we were where we were at, we were probably both quite tired and exhausted. And to think of sex in its totality, it was like, oh man, this could the this could go any which way, yeah. And to expose ourselves to that just felt too hard. So it's like when we actually bring containment and we calibrate the desire to something that is within our like our reach. It then be it then open the openness then comes online. It's like oh I can make out for a minute. Like to have sex and work out work our way to orgasm or to whatever it is that we're calling sex tonight um that could take an hour. I could have I could be in you know I really wonder what happens in the next year I've read a hundred pages that's an I can do a minute of making out that's not even that's kind of sex but it's not really sex and then as soon as we did that I was like ah oh we didn't like it was just on.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Yeah it was so beautiful.

SPEAKER_07 22:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

And that being said that might not always be the case. It could have been you know we have moments where it takes a a lot long or and even there's there was nights in this you know past week where we did the seven days of sex where I was really wanting I was like on it was it was the almost the the straight A student within me that's like hey we committed to this let's do this we got an A plus last time we're at like come on and then that night where we just just get into yab yum out in the living area and then we just lay back and sleep and then it was like oh can this be enough this yeah you know we didn't have this was what this was what was the truth of the moment in that night and this is what we were available for and we don't have to push beyond that.

SPEAKER_07 23:21

And ironically it's all not ironically but like the beautiful thing is that it's all the moments that are created outside of the actual sex as well throughout the seven days like it's the it's the joy and the fun and the laugh like I feel like I've laughed with you more this week than ever and I feel like I'm so much more engaged with our relationship and I'm so much more like online and involved and not just like I've always wanted to be here but I'm like I'm enjoying being here I feel we're in a really good place.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

We are in a great place but I honestly I honestly feel our marriage is like right now I'm just like the most and I shared this with you yesterday I'm the most satisfied I have been like deeply fed and satisfied and I I was sharing this with you yesterday there was a whilst I was pregnant and maybe even the in the early days of postpartum um and definitely before that I think I still had this part of me that was like wanting more from you like wanting more of your attention wanting more of like you know um and I've just felt this sense lately of like I don't need anything else from you and I don't know I know that's been a big shift in me in like letting just practicing so deeply in our partnership and our marriage like just letting you be you and yeah just letting you be you thank you and and letting myself just yeah enjoy like all that is here or all that is here for me. And I know you've internally had a lot of shifts that have I felt you're a very present very available man and you have been that way for our entire relationship but the last few months there has been something that you are just like so here and like so available and yeah I'm just feeling so deeply fed.

SPEAKER_07 25:18

It's just like a a glorious glorious feeling I think it's almost like letting myself enjoy my life. Yeah the more I enjoy my life the more of me that's available.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yes in those moments like the like I feel like we are laughing and we're joking and we're like playing a lot more than we we have in the past.

SPEAKER_07 25:35

I would say like in the last six months I've really allowed myself to not just consider but accept that it's safe to exist. And like in the I keep on coming back to it safe like love is a safe place like like our relationship is a safe place for me. Whereas before I thought it was a place that I had to certainly earn my like I had to continually earn my place here and if I wasn't earning it then I was losing it. So there was a certain part of me that was always thinking about the future or there was a certain level a certain like maybe like 20% of my awareness was always focused on the future and then the other 80% was on you and and and life but there wasn't there wasn't really like all of me available to the moment and when I realized it was safe and I didn't need to prove or earn this position that is inherently mind to embody as your lover as Jacob as OSHA's dad as the man that I am it's like oh I've got nothing to prove now what what shifted for you? I don't know I really I I think it was more kind of all of all all of the work that I've done I feel like I'm coming into a season of like recognizing the work that I've done like I'm really recognizing just how far I've come and I don't know whether it's like I'm 36 now and I'm looking around at all the people around me not to make them right or wrong but I can see that I have something that a lot of people don't have that a lot of men around me haven't got in my relationship with you in my like I have I have meaningful work that that that is so um like I get to serve every day like uh and and change people's lives I'm like how lucky am I and I got I've got like a a smoking hot wife that wants to fucking laugh and dance and I've got a son that's just like glorious and like the world yeah and I'm like if if this isn't it then I'm never gonna get it like if I can if I can't if I can't enjoy this what what else is there? Like because it's just a different it's it's just if it's you know it's it's just okay the car's faster it's bigger it's you know the house is bigger and cleaner and more like it's yeah okay all those things are nice and I'm I'm calling them in that but if I can't be here now I'm not gonna be there then I feel that I feel that so deeply in you and I feel that just in our family right now actually actually I would say like getting my fitness sorted has been like a I was just writing a post about this this morning because I've been using AI a bit too much and I'm feeling not too creative. Sorry guys it's very addictive to just like can you write me a post and just create it and put it up I'm just like fucking I don't feel like like I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a leader I'm I like to delegate AI is far too but I was writing the post about I was like I thought that in three I was writing the post this time I uh I was writing about how ignorant I was to the fact that to the fact that I was like wasn't where I wanted to be with my health and I the thing that frustrates me about men in my line of work is that they think they can come and do something for three months and then go back to what they were doing beforehand. And I've been working with our mate Pete shout out to Pete Tansley go follow him go work with him he's an incredible PTM he's I'm working we love Pete yeah my mum's worked with him I've worked with him you've worked with him he's uh yeah he's our family PT he is but um what I realized was I thought I was gonna be able to train for three months eat relatively healthy lose a few kilos lift a few weights and then be okay cool I'm done I get to go back to what I was doing now I can get back on with my life and I realized now that I'm 18 months in I'm like this is really like this is going to be a four five year journey to restructuring my programming around fitness health and wellbeing and then I started to think about hang on well okay I've been doing the personal development the whatever you we'd call whatever we do. Yeah I don't I don't know get I don't mine is like initiation or rites of passage or ritual and ceremony anyway we've been doing whatever we've been doing for the last 10 years and I was like hang on let's actually take a look at what I've done and I just took a moment to like realize just how much I've sacrificed to get what I've got and I was like no you've no Jacob you you you you definitely have you've worked hard for this like you get to enjoy this man if you don't stop and actually go for the bike rides if you don't have dinner like you all this stuff that you that you you say is important if you don't live it then your work's never gonna land anyway yeah and I was like oh man this is nice I was like oh I just have to be here and then I'm like it's so annoying because it's like I'm sure everyone's you know heard Ramdas say be here now and it's like it's profound but you almost have to find your way back to that statement.

SPEAKER_00 31:09

I'm like oh just be here and and you go on I was just gonna say as like I feel like I had a season of being like ultra ultra spiritual and very much in Ramdas, Abrahamics, all the things but I wasn't necessarily like deeply maybe this isn't true. I was I was gonna say I wasn't necessarily deeply in like my visionary but I kind of I've I've I've been building I think you were but you didn't have the same level of responsibility.

SPEAKER_07 31:35

That's easy to be a visionary when you're in your early 20s with no responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 31:39

That yeah and so I feel like when you do get to a stage of still being and and we've probably lived this well definitely now as parents but also in our business for probably the last four years having a deeper responsibility in the people we serve, what we're holding the risks we take the moves we make like yeah that there is a sense of um yeah responsibility that takes your awareness into what needs to get done I'm responsible for these things what you know what do I need my focus on I didn't get enough time to do this today da da da where yeah it's that there can be a disconnect from then presence and like real devotion to the moment. Yeah which I just yeah becomes such a practice and so yeah I've I've felt that so deeply from you the last few months just like how deeply you are choosing to like switch off when you switch off and like be so in our family and like so present with me and our son and yeah it's just I give less of a fuck to be honest. Like I think that's required.

SPEAKER_07 32:42

Yeah it's like uh you you you don't like there's there's something way more valuable than whether you sign up to my program or not now bro like I'm you know whether you do or not I'm gonna be okay whether you do like whether you do or not I'm switching off and I'm gonna go and be with my son I'm gonna go and be with my wife I'm gonna go and cook dinner and I'm gonna laugh and I'm gonna listen to music and I'm gonna do the things that make my life beautiful I'm gonna I'm going to acknowledge and recognize and relate with the inherent beauty that is here right now. And I think that uh yeah I've been listening to this guy Martin Prechtel who's like my my new favorite human and he just there's like the only um the only job is to um make beauty fail be courageous make beauty fail be courageous and I'm like oh I can work with that that's that's perfect for me I don't want to do all this other algorithm shit or marketing or business like okay so all I have to do is make beauty fail and then be courageous that's well within my wheelhouse okay cool so just do whatever feels beautiful and I think there's like um yeah I think this is like huge for men I think a lot of men don't fully recognize themselves as men wouldn't call them beautiful they'd they'd call themselves useful but not beautiful and if you're useful then you always have to be used for some thing so you always have to be valuable whereas when you relax into your inherent beauty your natural expression is what life is receiving not what is useful. And when you say like relax into your inherent beauty meaning just like because you are a creation of God a creation of life itself you came from the earth you yeah you know like women are beautiful but men are like and it's like I'm like I think maybe for the first time in my life I'm considering that I'm beautiful which is like a really it actually makes me feel um quite emotional because it's like and I and I've been I think that I've felt more than I've ever felt in the last six months and it's like oh like and and it's it is devastating as Martin Proctel says it's like devastate your hearts with beauty. It's like when I let the beauty in it actually like extreme makes me feel extremely exposed. I've got things that I love that one day I'm not gonna have because I'll die so fuck waiting around for next week or when I'm retired to spend time with these like fuck everything else like let's eat bagels and and have blueberries on the kitchen floor and there let's dance and there let's yeah let's let's go to the cafe and drink the like I refuse to buy into this you know entitled young people they're not saving for the future I'm not I'm not I'm not in scarcity anymore I'm not living in fear and I'm choosing to show up and and be with the beauty that is already here. And so many people and people like and it's it's it's it's just changed the depth of my work so much I'm no longer trying to fix man I'm just like hey dude we've already won and that's like I I I said to someone uh recently I was like I've just I just have decided that I've already won that my life rules and that it gets to be this good I'm not buying into anything I'm not buying into any other belief that like because it is everything else is like a frequency of scarcity and the paradigm of scarcity and to yeah to not to be sacrificing presence for a moment that hasn't come yet trying to like buy a moment that hasn't come yet is just that is that is not honoring the true abundance and fertility of life itself and the moment that is here right now.

SPEAKER_00 36:29

And yeah that and and I I just feel I know I know so many people that listen to this podcast are visionaries, our creators, our entrepreneurs and I think this is like it's a it's a fine line because to be a visionary and to create there part of that is also to acknowledge what you want isn't here yet. But the pieces can can you walk that line or exist in this paradigm of like and I said this to you yeah yes no last night when we went to dinner and we're prepping for this and oh we're working over dinner that was just so glorious you went to this nice restaurant and had a glass of wine and like did some work I want to do that like every week now with you. But as we were walking to the car I said something like yeah I there's things I want like I want a bigger house and I want all the buttons you want a lot of art as well I want art yeah we walked past this beautiful indigenous art store on James Street in Burley and I was like oh look at that piece and I was just like oh I just I can't wait to fill our home with art and I want a bigger home and you know our home right now isn't very aesthetic at all like I can feel the desire for a more aesthetic home all of these things and I said to you and also like I am so fucking here for this right now. I'm not feeling the ache of wanting more or like a longing that hurts right I'm just like yes that would be fun. I can't wait to create that and right now is so fucking beautiful and yes right now is so fucking beautiful and it's it's it right now is it and yeah I think that there's this yeah there's this un and of course because this is just the society we live in and the culture we live in that's constantly selling to us and telling us you know as women that we need all of these to wear these certain things or have a certain body or fix our face and da-da-da to feel good and same like you know other things for men um and just like the materialness of our our culture and society like yeah has us always constantly in this like embodiment of scarcity like it's literally embodying this feeling of scarcity like this right now is scarce.

SPEAKER_07 38:40

I need to get somewhere else to feel better I need to look different I need to um have my body different I need to have a different environment for me to you know feel the way I want to and yeah it's just such a fucking illusion it's crazy yeah all there is is right now live love laugh but seriously just live and love and laugh there's that's all you gotta it's it's so cliche but I think we need to get one of that's a bit nice artwork for the home that would actually suit our house right now laugh love but you're so right my love I think there's like I I can be in my wanting and be excited by all that is to come whilst also deeply resting in this moment and being here. Yeah and I think that that's like the beauty of being a visionary but also not getting lost in the fantasy of that that who we want to be isn't actually right here right now. What we get to like what what what like the richness and the like as we say abundance is already here and I think OSH has been my greatest teacher no but I think having a child that doesn't give a fuck about anything puts shit into perspective. Yeah like yeah we get the house cleaned and then like 20 minutes later he's like I'll pull every piece of clothing out of my wardrobe it's just a game to you like you are literally reminding me that it's not that big a deal but more so it's like you're asking me to like be here like can I actually be here yeah can I actually enjoy this season of my life rather than try to create some future for you that you don't I don't even know what you want. You don't even know what you want yet. So why am I trying to create an investment or a you know a a trust fund for you to go to a private school or have these millions of dollars to take you on all these holidays and I don't even know if you want to go on. Like I don't you don't even know what you are like all you really like all a child really like especially right now is like all his little nervous system needs is to know that it's safe to be him you can't you can't outsource that that's it that's that's a job for you for you and your soul to do and then provide and I think that's like the most I think that's what I'm so grateful for. I think I wrote a post about it was like he knew I know I love that post like he knew he sent you to show me who I could become so he could come down here and receive what it is that will allow him to have his life and I was like ah I just feel so blessed that like that that it's come to this yeah so grateful. We love that it's almost annoying how like I'm like I'm so like there's shit like I'm almost I'm like is this toxic positivity? Like I don't know if I'm too no I think but I think I'm just like like it's actually like I've got shit to do. I've got a hundred fucking messages to send I've got bills to pay I've still got now we're going to Austin we've got things and and New York I've got shit to pay for that I'm still like expanding into and like yeah but I feel so grateful and it's like wow and I'm not actually scared that I don't think it's gonna go like I'm not scared of it leaving.

SPEAKER_00 42:08

Like if it leaves cool but I know this is this is it like this is what I'm here for this kind of feeling yeah can I take the conversation like as just a thread I want to like pull on um I was on uh a live call with uh the claimed with the course I run called the claim woman the other day and um we were talking about how when a woman was sharing that she asked her man to do a particular task around the home it was like removing this piece of furniture and taking it back to the store um and he took a week to do it right and I was like okay but did it get done she was like yeah I said was there anything that happened because it didn't because it took him a week to do it and she was like oh well if it would have taken him like a day or two longer then we wouldn't have been able to get the refund but I said it didn't take him a day or two longer he he returned it so was there anything that happened and she said no I just felt really uncomfortable and I said that like that is that is yours to be with and we were really just speaking into you know this whole course is about feeling more claimed and led in partnership but really the basis of this is like can you be a woman that can relax into herself even when things are happening around you that aren't your preference right because so many women that come into my world and I was one of these women want to feel led want their man to take out the bins want their man to organize the dates want their man to take the the piece of furniture back to the store you know when it's ready to be taken back. And and they and they want to take that task out of their mind completely and I say This to the this woman, like you did you just want him to do it so you didn't have to think about it? She was like, Yeah, but I was like, Did you continue to think about it until he took it back? Yeah, and I like reminded him every day. And it's like that deep desire, like there's an addiction to control, and there's such a deep protection from actually just resting into the body and resting into the moment, right? That do you feel do you feel what I'm saying in that?

SPEAKER_07 44:31

Yes, majorly.

SPEAKER_00 44:32

That it's like, okay, well, if you want him to take it back and be the kind of man that takes it back and you don't have to remind him, you have to choose deep relaxation in the body. You have to go, that's your task. I'm not thinking about that task again. If if there's repercussions of you not taking it back, I have outsourced that task to you, you have agreed, so that's yours. And then that's the way you fucking let go. You treat him like a responsible man that can then deal with the ripple if he forgets it. Like if you go, okay, my man, I want you to take the bins out every single week. And he says yes. And then someone else said, but what if he doesn't? Well, that's not your job anymore. You he deals with the repercussions, that's his job. And you you choose to be the woman that no longer has that job, like in your home, but also in your body. And I'm bringing this conversation because you spoke about like we're speaking about that, like, oh, I can only relax when I've got the thing. I can only relax, you know, when I'm creating something. So I have to not be in this moment. I need to be in that moment. And I just see this so much with women in relationship that it's like, oh, I can only relax when I know for sure that I have evidence that the piece of furniture has been taken out. I can only relax when I know for sure he has taken the bins out. No, you also have the option to relax even before he's taken the bins out, even when you've asked him to take the piece of furniture back and he hasn't yet. You can relax. That's your choice. And this is the true art of being a surrendered, open, alive woman in love that's able to experience more of that from a man. It's your choice to deeply choose relaxation. Do you do you feel that? Yeah. It just was that the conversation was so alive for me the other day, and I just wanted to bring it.

SPEAKER_07 46:21

We we do this in our academy with all the men. We get them to do uh a thing called the when-then process. And it's something that I learned from a book written by a man named Alberto Vololdo, he runs the Four Win Society, and he's a phenomenal shaman and teacher. And essentially, it's when he takes the bin out, then I can relax. When he takes the lounge back or the couch back, then I can relax.

SPEAKER_00 46:46

Then I can trust him, then I can, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 46:48

And it's it's a daydream. It's this dream, it's this you get stuck in a daydream which then turns into a nightmare. And it's all based on fantasy, it's all based on a future outcome giving you what you actually have access to right now. So instead of when he takes the bin out, then I can relax, you cross out everything. You cross out when he takes the bin out, then cross all of that out, and you just do I can relax.

SPEAKER_00 47:14

Oh.

SPEAKER_07 47:15

Now those bins have no power over me. That couch has no Oh, but it costs $250. Cool. So m money has no power over me anymore. I can relax into my being because I am I choose to. I don't there is nothing that has power over me. And this is like the power of choice. This is real sovereignty, this is real freedom. Yes, this is true responsibility, and that's kind of what I'm just being hanging up. I can like, do I actually need to make a million dollars today? Do I like is that conditional on my happiness and my freedom? No. Oh, I can be free. I am free. Okay, cool. Oh, I didn't realize that life could be this way. Yeah, I'd been living conditionally because that's what I thought was the prerequisite to happiness. This insert bins being taken out. And the thing is, is like the only way really to experience this is to fail. And to be with the discomfort as it like realigns itself or it massages out the knots, or you you know, remove the the scar tissue, and it's like, ah, it does take time. Like we're remembering, we're putting ourselves back together, we are returning to uh our innocence, we're reinstalling our natural state, one of relaxation. There's nothing to actually be in fear around, and that's like you come back to like I don't need anything. I've got I've got everything, I've got it all right now.

SPEAKER_00 49:02

Yeah, and just like circling back to that conversation around the the bins and the furniture and all the things, it's that. It's like when that you just said it so beautifully, like when we believe it has power over us, yeah, and we're literally handing over, you know, our power and our relaxation, like someone else determines that for us. You need to be this for me so that I can access my relaxation, my embodiment, my aliveness, my joy. Like when we talk about, and I don't love using like the terms masculine and feminine, and like using it too much because I think people hold on to it and be like, okay, what does it look like to be in my feminine, in my relationship? What does it look like? But I truly believe to be a deeply feminine woman in relationship is to not hand that over to anyone. You choose, you know that you have the ability to be in your body, relaxed, open, no matter what, right? You're no longer going, behave like this for me so I can be this. It's I am that. I am alive. I'm a woman that's connected to my eroticism, not based on whether my partner finds me desirable. I'm connected to my relaxation and my, you know, my openness and surrender with myself and with life itself. Not that's independent on, that's not dependent on whether my partner has mowed the lawn this week or not, or done the exact things that he should be doing. And I was sharing, and not to throw you, this isn't to throw you under the bus or I was sharing, no, I was sharing with these women on the call that there were times, especially in the last year and a half of parenting, where there have been things around our like outside like our grass or um our dog or like walking the dog, or you know, our our dog like fucked our grass so like fucked up our grass so bad and it was just dirt. And there were times where like I wanted that, I wanted you to do that immediately. I could feel the part of me that was like, I would walk outside and be like, oh, can he just like fix the grass or make not make it so dirty out here? And then also just being there was one day I really particularly felt that way, and then I was like, what the fuck? Like this man's busy. This we have a baby, like not everything in our home and in our backyard is going to be done at all times. I actually have to be a woman that learns how to find relaxation even when things aren't done, even when the to-do list isn't fully ticked off, right? And I need to be able to offer myself that, but then offer you the grace in that, given, you know, we have a we have a toddler, we had a toddler and you know, the busyness of life. And that was so fucking freeing for me to like, and I'm I'm really deeply practicing that. And I know this is gonna be a deep practice of mine, the more children we have and potentially the more chaos that comes. It's like the to-do list is never fucking done. Especially I feel that way as a mother now in our home. Like, like you said, I I tidied the house this morning. Five minutes later, our son had come into the kitchen and thrown every pot out of a drawer and then gone into the dress, like in our living area where his clothes are and he's pull all them out again. Or maybe that was yesterday, he'd thrown everything out, but like within a 10-minute period, like the house just was, you know, in disarray. And just just learning, just learning to be a woman that can go, ah, like my life and house can look like this right now, and I can still feel oh, relaxed and in my body. You know, that the grass can look dirty, and Jacob has said he's gonna get on it. I can trust that there is gonna be a season and there was a season where you fucking got on it and the grass has healed and the grass is looking phenomenal now, right? But I didn't have to remind you and tell you every day how much that grass was fucking stressing me so that you did it. I just found relaxation in my own body. I think I shared with you a few times that, you know, that would feel important to me. But a difference between that coming from this place of like, ah, you're not doing the fucking thing, and because I can't hold this tension. I just think this is like such a fucking important, nuanced, deep piece that I don't hear a lot of other people talking about, but I know a lot of women and probably men need to hear. But women in my world that, yeah, want to feel more of their man's leadership. It's like actually stop fucking living this illusion that he's gonna do all of the things perfectly and then you're gonna feel relaxed. Like every time there's a piece of furniture to take back, he does it immediately, right? He's not your servant every time, right? He's not your servant, like he's human.

SPEAKER_07 53:52

He's not there just to serve every single thing that you want done in the moment. Like your need for control and perfection is not his that's not his responsibility.

SPEAKER_00 54:01

That is everything.

SPEAKER_07 54:02

Don't and like it's no, I'll do it. I I I will do it. And you have my word.

SPEAKER_00 54:09

That and then trusting, like I said to the women on this call the other day, that like um I know you do the bins. I never fucking think of the bins at all. And I know if you forget the bins, you'll deal with the repercussions of the bins not being taken that week, whatever that looks like. And so if you currently do the bins and you want your husband to do the bins, ask him. Say, I would love it if you were responsible for the bins every week and it was something I didn't have to think about. If he says yes, you don't think about the bins anymore. You don't stand on Tuesday night in the living room and checking out outside if he's done the bins, right? To like check up on him or on a Tuesday night, I have you remembered, have you remembered? No, part of you experiencing his leadership is you letting the fuck go and choosing to no longer have that task take up your awareness and your consciousness, because this is what deep down so many women are are craving to not have so much stuff in their mind. And yet when they do give over a task, they're still continuing to hold it in their mind and let it take up space in their mind, in their body, right? And then they continue to do that because then you didn't do it properly, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like the true practice is, you know, outsource the task or get him to do the task, hand it over, trust him completely, and then let it go. Right? And that's so much easier said than done. But this this is the depth of practice. I think again, so many women are waiting for. I need to check that he does it perfectly, and then I can stop thinking about it, then I can relax, then I can never check up on him doing the bins. That's that that reality doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_03 55:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:53

Sorry, I just really need to have that rant.

SPEAKER_07 55:56

It's it and it's like the same thing. It's like you're gonna you're gonna end up another year older. Do you want to spend the next year in complete and utter resistance, or would you like to just relax and enjoy yourself? Like, would you like to actually enjoy yourself because you have the opportunity?

SPEAKER_00 56:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 56:12

And I think this is like, I think this comes down to for us, like, we have we don't avoid the deaths and the rebirths that are inherently built into our journey as humans. Like we have continually stepped into ceremony in many different ways, shapes, and forms to meet the deeper part of ourselves that either wants to be surrendered and let go of or is there for us to step into. And the more that you do that, the more comfortable you become with the notion or the what I believe is a truth, that like you'll never, you'll never, you're never complete. You'll never be done. And that's the beautiful thing. And I think we were talking uh sorry, I don't think we were talking in our facilitator training, or or the Academy one guy said, Yeah, like your death will come on an ordinary day doing something or like doing ordinary things, so why not in live a little? And I I've just really just like really enjoyed this notion of death is you know death is going to happen. So why not enjoy it? Why not enjoy and like really like oh yeah, and like one of my favorite things that we say in in sweat lodge is um hokay, and it's like today is a good day to die.

SPEAKER_06 57:41

I love that.

SPEAKER_07 57:42

Like, can I can I live that? Can I like every day like lay down and be like so grateful for all of my the blessings and all of the hardship and all of the the the the the the moments that meant that had no real meaning other than just to keep the wheels turning? It's like can I actually be so here today that if I did wake up or I didn't wake up it doesn't matter because I've lived I think that's a beautiful place to end this wear back.

SPEAKER_03 58:11

Yeah, amazing.

SPEAKER_00 58:13

Any any final pieces?

SPEAKER_07 58:14

No, I'm just yeah, it's nice to be back, guys. Like I'm yeah, it just feels so I didn't realize that like this was quite a cathartic. I realised like it like the podcast, as much as we love sharing it with you, it's like it's a place for us to like really unpack and connect, and um, yeah, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

SPEAKER_00 58:32

I love you. Bye, lovers. We'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_07 58:35

Big love. Peace.

SPEAKER_00 58:38

Thank you for joining us for this episode, my loves. And if you would love to support this podcast, and we would love it if you did, the best way to do that is to subscribe wherever you are listening to this episode right now. And also share, share this episode, share this episode with your lover, your husband, your wife, uh anyone who you feel would be into listening to very deep, real, spicy episodes on relationships and sex. And then if you have any questions, come over and join us on Instagram. I'm at the dot meg.o on Instagram, and my husband is at the jacoboneil.o and double over on Instagram as well. Ask us any questions, share this episode, tag us, and we will see you very soon right here.