53. Finding Your Voice: Assertive Communication for Moms with Erin Roberts

Unlock the secrets to vocal empowerment with Erin Roberts of Aligned Voice, as we delve into the world of communication and self-assertion for mothers. 

Discover how to navigate the challenges of advocating for yourself and your little ones, as Erin brings her expertise in technical, and emotional coaching to the forefront. This episode is a treasure trove for moms seeking to find their assertive voice amidst the demands of motherhood, healthcare advocacy, and setting healthy boundaries. 

Join me on a journey through my personal battle during pregnancy, and learn the strategies that can help prepare you for the crucial conversations with healthcare providers. 

She shares the methodology that has empowered me and countless other women to stand their ground and make informed decisions when it comes to their children's health and well-being. 

We also tackle the delicate art of accepting help and establishing limits in the face of unsolicited parenting tips, ensuring that your voice is heard clearly and confidently.

Whether you're an entrepreneur, a mother, or anyone looking to succeed through assertive communication, this episode is a testament to the strength of speaking your truth. Erin's insights provide a guiding light to all women ready to embrace their unique voices and make a lasting impact.

(03:30 - 05:08) Empowering Women Through Vocal Confidence (97 Seconds)
(20:13 - 21:08) Navigating Baby Name Opinions and Communication (55 Seconds)(32:21 - 33:33) Awkward Silence Comfortability in Relationships (73 Seconds)
(38:43 - 40:44) Navigating Communication as Women (121 Seconds)
(43:01 - 44:03) Managing Big Emotions With a Pause (62 Seconds)
(52:21 - 53:31) Manifesting Future Success (70 Seconds)
(55:30 - 56:34) Empowering Kids Through Positive Reinforcement (65 Seconds)(01:00:06 - 01:01:54) Vocally Empowered Program Overview (108 Seconds)

You can find Erin Robert:
Instagram: @erinroberts.co
website: www.erinroberts.co
Youtube: @vocallyempowered

****POTTY TRAINING APRIL WORKSHOP: Enroll HERE

📺 Watch the episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOpw5ui4uxJHx0tLFVtpnfSkpObfc4d-K

You can find Katie at:
website: burntpancakes.com
YouTube: @burnt.pancakes
Instagram: @burntpancakeswithkatie
Email: katie@burntpancakes.com

🚽 Did you know Katie is also a Certified Potty Trainer? 🚽

☎️ Schedule a 1:1 chat today: Schedule Here
💻 Digital Potty Training Course HERE
📖  Potty Training E-Book HERE
🆓  FREE potty training resources HERE
Instagram: @itspottytime
Tiktok: @itspottytime_

Some episodes include affiliate links at no cost to you. 

Transcript

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00:09 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Hello, hello, and welcome back to another conversation of the Burnt Pancakes podcast, where I help moms realize that everyone burns their first pancake. Before I start today's conversation, I want to tell you about an offer that I have been busy working on that I'm excited to share. So this is going to be specifically for all of you toddler moms who are thinking about potty training soon, or if you know someone who's thinking about potty training and maybe has nowhere to go for help, or if you've tried potty training and it's a disaster and you want to restart, but get it right this time. So I am a certified potty trainer. I work one on one with parents to get you through even the toughest potty training situations. But this offer is going to be a group class, so it's a fraction of the price of a one on one consultation, but you're still going to get all of the same information and you're not going to have to read a 200 page book to learn it. So I am breaking up the potty training process into four live workshops. They'll take place on Thursday mornings, but they are totally recorded. So if you cannot attend live, all of these will be recorded for you to watch at your own time or if you do attend live and you want to look at them again later, you'll have access to that. So I'm breaking the potty training process into four workshops. You're going to be part of a community of moms who are going through this all together, so you're not doing it alone, and the bonus is you also get the 30 days of text messaging with me that my one on one clients do. So if you are interested in a live workshop to learn all about potty training, check the link in the description, because the April workshop is going to start on April 18th and I would love to have you there. I'm limiting the number of spots, so if you are interested, sign up today, because you're going to have your child potty train this summer and I'm going to help you do it, okay. 

02:08
So on today's conversation, back to all of you who do not have to potty train this summer, I am speaking with Erin Roberts of Aligned Voice. She is a vocal confidence coach. You may not have heard of this before, but I was so honored to have her on and pick her brain all about what she does. So she helps to inspire women to create their most confident voices. 

02:34
As we were speaking and as I was kind of thinking of what I wanted to ask her, I realized there are so many situations in motherhood where we don't know how to speak up for ourselves. I can 100% admit in doctor's appointments when I was pregnant, in the birthing room, in a student parent teacher conference, learning how to speak up for ourselves, to advocate for ourselves as women or our children, is really hard to do and she gives all the pointers on how you can do this in a confident, mature way. I think you're going to love this conversation. I got so much out of it and am going to be using her tools up in the future. So please enjoy my conversation with Erin Roberts. Erin, welcome to the podcast, thank you so much for having me it's an honor to be here. 

03:26
I think this is going to be a really great topic, something that gosh. I don't think I've ever had a guest on talking about our voice, but this is something that we moms and we women definitely need to hear about. So you are a vocal confidence coach. Can you tell us what that is and how you got started in that? 

03:46 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely so. Vocal confidence coaching is a method for using our voice as a power source, really finding that belief within ourselves that our voice matters and what we have to say matters and what we have within us that we want to express has value. And that method really combines the technical aspects of how to use your voice, the mechanics of how the voice works and that kind of draws more on my singing and my acting background with the spiritual and the emotional elements of how the voice can be used as a power source for us. 

04:27 - Katie Fenske (Host)
So interesting One question that just popped up in my mind Do you work more with women or men? I actually work exclusively with women. Okay, because my first thought was when you said we're using our voice. Our voice matters. I would think that women tend to have a harder time with that like speaking up for ourselves, advocating for ourselves, because it's just not like the cultural norm for women to be vocal and loud, and you know it comes across a different way. 

05:02 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely, and that's kind of that's a part of the mission, of why I started this brand. Living in this world as a woman, that was definitely. My experience is that sometimes our communication is not valued in the same way as male communication is traditionally. In the way our society is set up, and especially my experience of that was in professional situations, professionally, I found that there seems to be an unspoken difference in what a woman would have to offer in the professional space than what a man might have to offer in the same space. I do find also kind of again leaning towards that more spiritual side of the voice as a tool, you know, as a more feminine energy, as a woman, as a feminine receptive energy. That receptive and that flowing energy can sometimes be misinterpreted as passive or as quiet or as smaller, which absolutely does not have to be the case. Feminine energy is equally as powerful as masculine energy and we have the yin and the yang of that. It's just kind of how we interpret that and how we get that message out. I think we are starting to see change in our society and how that feminine energy is interpreted and I'm excited to be a part of that movement to move that forward. So, yes, I do work exclusively with women. 

06:39
I love your podcast and I found your podcast because I'm also a mom and I think, yes, as mothers, we have so many many opportunities to use our voice in new ways. I have a son who's two and a half, so I am a newish mom. Okay, and you're in it. You're in it. Yes, I am. I am deeply in the trenches right now, um, and I was surprised, even though I've been a professional singer, a professional actor, for two decades, I was still surprised at how challenged I was to use my voice in new ways, to communicate in ways that I didn't have to before, um, and those, you know, those can be seen as challenges. Those can also be seen as opportunities, um, so it's, it's been a, it's been a wild ride. 

07:32 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Right and I, when you reached out to me and said I'm a vocal confidence coach, my first thoughts were how do we learn to advocate for ourselves and use our voice as moms? Because, yeah, I feel like becoming a mom was where it really got, like, oh gosh, I need to speak up. I need to say, and I am. I can say I am not good, that's not my strength, like I tend to. Just, I'm a good listener. I don't like to stir the pot. Um, yeah. So I came up with like a couple situations where I have noticed moms and myself specifically in general, um, where things are hard. So, yes, let's just talk about, like pregnancy. 

08:13 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah. 

08:13 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Doctors, how do you like I had a hard time with my first. He was Breach and so I go into my appointment. They do it like a little, all just on. They're like, oh, your son's Breach, okay, well, um, we'll probably have a C-section. And it was like, wait, what? Like, oh, oh, this changes everything that I've thought for the last 30 years yeah, like I'm gonna give birth. And it was like I didn't know how to ask the questions. Or when she said, well, I've delivered so many babies. We don't do, we don't deliver Breach babies. Like it's a C-section. She's like you can try and turn them, but it's, you know I haven't seen it work. 

08:51
So I'm sitting here listening to this professional that has all this experience. I'm not a medical professional, but I didn't know how to be. Like what are some options? Like what do you think? You know it was very difficult to speak up for myself to a doctor. 

09:07 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yep, yeah, that's such a great question. Um, so I love that you're asking this because again, I can. I can relate to this so personally right now, because I am also almost six months pregnant with my second. Oh, congratulations, yes, thank you, thank you. 

09:23 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Do you know if it's girl or boy, or are you waiting to find out? 

09:26 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
I do know, oh, I'm, I'm a preparing for I'm a I'm a plan ahead person so if we're having a girl, I definitely found out right away. 

09:34 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah Well, congratulations. 

09:37 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, thank you so much. 

09:39
Um so, yes, this is very top of mind for me because I am right in the middle of I'm going into all of these appointments and I'm, you know, I'm thinking about the experience that I had with my son and I'm thinking, well, okay, what would I have done differently and how can I capitalize on what I know now and and maybe have a better experience for myself? My son, um was what did they call it? He was, he measured small, okay, um. And so they were concerned that there was uh intrauterine growth restriction. 

10:11 - Katie Fenske (Host)
They were they were concerned. So you hear this word and you're like I don't even know what to say. Yeah, Yep. 

10:17 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
So it's like I'm going along in this pregnancy and everything is textbook and everything is lovely, and then we get to week you know 36 or 37 and they're like, oh hey, surprise, he's way too small and it's and there must be something really wrong with him. So we gotta get him out of there right now. Panic mom, yeah, yeah, so I'm like I'm having a panic sack in the in the doctor's office. Um, like you said, this is not what I expected. 

10:44 - Katie Fenske (Host)
This is not what I envisioned. 

10:46 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
I'm terrified, um, and I did not like you. I did not know what to ask, I didn't know, I didn't know that I could speak up for myself yes, and if I could, what would that even look like? Because I had not prepared, um. So a big part of the method that I teach with my clients is we start with a belief, okay, and then we, and then we build skill, and then we prepare, and then we kind of continuously improve on that process. So I did not have the skill to know how to speak up for myself. 

11:23
I also hadn't prepared, yeah, I hadn't thought ahead about, you know, what are some potentials that I may have to speak about today and how do I want to kind of visualize what that might be, or or plan some keywords I might want to put into that conversation? Um, and we can't plan ahead for everything. That's not realistic. But there are some, you know, basic elements we can follow and that's that's a part of what I teach. So, um. So here I am with my doctor and, terrified Um, I did not ask anything, I did not say, you know, they said, well, we're going to induce you and I, I felt, you know that that mom intuition that they talk about. I just felt within my heart, of hearts. I was like my baby's fine, he's just small, he's just a little, he's a little baby and to this day he measures at seven percent. He, he is a small baby he is a small baby. 

12:19
So I just felt that this isn't necessary. Like sure, we can induce him, I'm sure it'll be fine, but I don't think we need to. I think he's okay and I really wanted to wait for him to come. When he was ready to come, um, so we induced, we did the whole thing. It was horrific. 

12:37
You know, inductions are so difficult, um, and you know, looking back on it now with some of this knowledge I've stepped into and this, this belief I've stepped into about the power that I have to use my voice, I'm like, you know, I could have asked a lot of questions there. I could have advocated for myself differently. So, as I'm thinking ahead about my daughter, you know, coming up, um, she, she may be small, she, that could be, you know, a family genetic trait. Um, my husband is of Filipino descent. There may be, you know, some ethnic differences in how our babies measure in different things. So I'm thinking, if I were to find myself in a similar situation where I'm being told, well, she's small, we need to induce, um, I'm going. What I'm going to do this time differently, and what I would recommend to moms in situations with their doctors is starting with a belief, and that belief is saying do I believe that my doctor wants the best for me? Do I believe that I have power with my doctor to communicate and to have a discussion? Do I believe in my own kind of knowing, that mom intuition? Do I believe that I have something to value or to offer? That is a value to say? 

14:03
Well, I'm really feeling that this is what I think the situation is, and that's so hard to do with professionals, because we do value them. We're paying them for their expertise. We're paying them to say okay, here's the facts, here's how we interpret that medically, and then here's the outcome we're going to follow. Also in that relationship, though, is they are a service provider and we are a customer, and I think sometimes we forget that, because, in our society, we definitely put doctors on a pedestal and we respect them so highly, which they deserve that they're highly trained professionals and they're in a service industry. They are service providers, and we are paying them and we are the clients, so we actually have the ultimate final say over the outcome that we want, and that can be difficult, because I mean, yes, if you take my situation for an example, I could have said okay, well, I'm going to deliver somewhere else, then I didn't want to deliver somewhere else, so I get that it's a very gray area. It's not easy to just be like okay, well, I'm out of here. 

15:32 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I'm walking out Totally and still you do still trust the doctor, like I still trusted my doctor. I just wish I had been able to have more discussion about it. I wish I could say well, tell me a little more about that. What am I going to expect if this happens? 

15:53 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, exactly. So again that comes back to the steps of the method. I think step one is belief belief that there's space for me, belief that I'm actually the client and I actually get the ultimate say. And I think standing in that power will set us at ease to go into that conversation. And then, after the belief is the skill and saying okay, what are some really basic scripts that I could use, some sentence starters I've taught in K-12 for a long time, so I'm a big fan of same things yes. 

16:31
I'm a big fan of sentence frames. Okay, yep, I use them in my personal life all the time, and I do have a module in my program that includes some scripts, some sentence starters. So what are some sentence starters? Maybe two or three sentence starters. I could plan the day before I go to my doctor to just have something to kind of feel like when that moment comes, when I'm anxious and I'm like, oh, I don't know what to say. 

16:56
Yeah, I have something, and I could even write those down on a piece of paper, as nerdy as that seems Not at all. Or you know, like kind of over the top, like, oh, you're really going to like write yourself a script before you go to your doctor, like, yes, I am. 

17:16
I am yeah, because it helps me to be successful Pull out a post-it note out of my purse and say, okay, here's my three sentence starters. I would rather do that and feel a little uncomfortable and get the information I need than walk out later and say, oh, I wish I would have asked this. Oh, I wish I would have said that that regret feeling for me is so painful and I don't want to feel that. So I would rather feel a little awkward with my little script paper than that regret feeling later. Right, that happened to me the other day. I had my doctor's appointment. 

17:53 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I'm like, oh, I need to ask him about you know these things. I'll remember Got home from my appointment and I was like, oh, I asked him that one thing, but those other two I told I was like, why didn't I just write that down? Or like put it in notes on my phone? Like I should just have these notes, I need to ask you. But sometimes you just get like stage fright. When you're in there You're like, yeah, the doctor's here. I've been waiting an hour for him. Absolutely, you're in there, there's fluorescent lights. 

18:16 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
It's like that environment is so anxiety inducing. And what I've learned what I've learned about anxiety is that when those hormones cortisol and adrenaline start pumping through your brain, it actually shuts down your prefrontal cortex, which is where memory sits, it's where language sits, it's where all the things that we need to have a productive conversation, all of those get shut down. No way, yeah. 

18:42 - Katie Fenske (Host)
That's why I forgot all those questions. 

18:47 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Exactly so. It's not, it's nobody's fault. It's like that's a bigger force than what we can battle with. We can't go in there and be like I'm going to willpower myself to remember this, to remember to say this we can't willpower that. It's going to be gone because that part of our brain is shut off. Yeah, so again, I'm going to be like I'm going to be like I'm going to be like well again. 

19:09
That's why, for me, relying on a script has really set me free in a lot of ways is to have that piece of paper and have some talking points and you know what. I'll even do it sometimes with my husband, with my own husband. 

19:27 - Katie Fenske (Host)
You know, as a doctor, this is a different form of role play, right? 

19:32 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, exactly, exactly no. Like, if I have a topic that I want to bring up and maybe I'm feeling a little uneasy about how my husband will respond even though that is the most intimate close relationship I have and there's so much safety there there's still that you know uneasiness of like well, you know what, what, what is he going to respond with and what if he doesn't like that idea? And I am really wanting to express and to get a certain result I'm going to go ahead and bring that script in. 

20:04 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yes, okay, let's switch from doctors to. You're a new mom and you're getting lots of unsolicited advice. I also thought of just now comments on baby name that maybe people have opinions and they'll say things Like is it better to bite your tongue and not say anything? What? What happens with all those people bombarding us with their opinions? Yes, yes, I love this question this. 

20:34 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
This is such a good one because it gives us opportunities to practice a lot of different types of conversation scripts. It gives us opportunities to practice giving critical feedback, practice making requests, practice setting boundaries. 

20:54 - Katie Fenske (Host)
This is like a goldmine for, for, for communication, for for communication, those first few weeks where people are visiting and staying for three hours like how do we speak when we're so tired? 

21:06 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yep, absolutely. So I think again this comes back to like step one. We're setting that belief of I'm going to stand in my power, of knowing I have something to say and what I say matters equally as much as the other person in the conversation were were equal partners in this conversation. Also, in that belief of knowing I am the mom and I have, I have value and I have ideas. And I think it's hard, especially as a new mom. I mean, this was my experience with my son. It's like I hadn't done this before, so I didn't. When people offered advice, I was like, well, maybe I should listen to it, you know, maybe maybe it is a good idea, I don't know. I, I, I don't have a basis of comparison here. I feel a lot differently now, going into my second experience, but at that time, you know, it's hard to know how much do I stay open versus how much do I set a boundary, right, right. 

22:12
So I think, kind of setting that, setting that belief for yourself first and saying this is the communication I'm gonna, I'm gonna allow in, versus these kinds of communications I'm gonna I'm gonna not really feel open to those right now and I'm gonna set some, some boundaries around that. So I think, and then kind of moving into more of the skill places, like how do we script something or plan ahead for something that might occur? You know, I think, if we are in a casual setting with a friend or an acquaintance or someone and we're hit with a piece of advice that we weren't really expecting out of the blue, I think my, my suggestion on that is, you know, kind of start soft and move more direct, as needed. Kind of start soft with something like, let's say, they're giving advice on breastfeeding, I don't know, and you've got a breastfeeding system that you love and you are happy with it, and you're like I'm good, saying something simple like oh, thank you for sharing that perspective, and then silence Shut that down in a nice way. 

23:26
Yeah, and then silence, like there's no, like let that silence kind of stand and if they want to say something more about it, that's on them, they can write and I think letting that uncomfortable silence happen is for me. You know that that's uncomfortable, because I'm like, oh, I don't, I don't want to make them feel bad, yes, right, but what about me? Do I want to make me feel bad, right, yeah, no, I don't either. So kind of like being okay with oh. Thank you so much for sharing that drop the mic Right. 

24:05
That's it, right, yeah, but we don't owe them anything else other than, oh, okay, I hadn't thought of that before, hmm, and it's over right, I think, after that point, if someone kind of continues to want to, dig at that and it's like oh well, you kind of said, oh, thank you, and you left it. And they're like well, I wanted more out of that right. 

24:33
I want to see you doing now, yeah, exactly, if they kind of keep digging at it, then I think you can become a little bit more direct as you go and you might add something like thanks so much for sharing that I have a breastfeeding system that I really love and I'm happy with how it is, the way I'm doing it, so I'm not really open to trying a new way right now. But thanks for sharing. 

24:59
And kind of saying make sure we're clearly saying I'm not interested in trying that, thank you, but thanks for sharing. Sort of like that positivity sandwich. Interesting. Love that you're offering that there's a positive and then setting that boundary in the middle and saying I have a system. I like I'm not open to new things right now. It's set, but thank you for sharing. There's the backside of the sandwich. I love that. Gosh, that's great. 

25:27 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah, Now what happens if we do need help but we don't know how to ask? Took me a very long time to say I needed help, and it was probably like a breakdown in tears when it finally occurred like, oh, I need help. 

25:46 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, yeah, I can relate to that, so that's an interesting place to be. I think that's a big can of worms, because we're looking at there's communication, there's voicing ourselves there, there's some voice issues there. There's also there's some self-limiting belief there, or there's some looking at well, why do I believe that I can do it all myself? 

26:12 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah, that was 100% me. Like I should know how to do this. I can do it myself. 

26:20 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, and why do we think that? And kind of digging a little bit that's where my expertise kind of ends and that's more of maybe counseling or therapy session is kind of digging into why are the reasons that I'm limiting myself here and what's causing that, looking at that belief and saying, okay, I'm ready to accept help, I deserve help. I'm not perfect and I'm not superwoman and I'm not going to be able to do all of this by myself. This reminds me of when I was very first time I was embarking on sleep training with my son. 

26:58 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Oh fun, I made lots of advice on that. Oh God, Lots of opinions. 

27:04 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
It was just the worst experience on so many levels, but I didn't again. This is my first time. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, so I was like oh, I'll do it. I've read about this and I have some ideas on. These are the steps and what to do. I'll just do the whole thing myself, don't worry about it. I'll just get up every single night a million times with him and I don't need anyone to help me. 

27:30
Yes, yes, yeah, and I'm thinking this is gonna be like maybe two to three days tops. It was months, right yeah. 

27:40 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I cannot do that for months. 

27:42 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, kind of getting to the point and realizing oh, this is a bigger deal than I thought. I need help, right. So again we're coming back to step one of the system is looking at the belief and saying I'm ready to accept help. I believe that I deserve help. Yeah, I believe that I am a valuable person, even though I can't do it by myself. It doesn't change how valuable I am, it doesn't change how good of a mom I am or how knowledgeable of a mom I am, or whatever that is. And then I think the skill part of using the voice is again coming back to how do we wanna say that in a way where we are, we're being direct and we're keeping it simple. 

28:32
I think this is making requests can be really difficult for women because, again, we're kind of our feminine energy, we're kind of told that we need to be smaller, we need to keep our energy small. So by making a request and kind of trying to expand our energy, it's like, oh well, we don't wanna get too big, we don't wanna ask for too much. So making requests can be really difficult for women. I have found that the simpler you keep it and the fewer words you use, the better Saying something simple like I'm gonna use my sleep example. Saying something simple like I'm having a hard time getting enough sleep with this new system. Can you please get up with him tonight instead of me and again silence like that's it. 

29:28
That's the end of the sentence. Can you please do X Right? I'm needing some help. Can you please help me? And I think a lot of times what we'll do is we will pad that sentence with a lot of extra words that are actually minimizing the impact of it. We'll use things like apologies and we'll say I'm so sorry to ask you this, but that was my first response. 

29:58 - Katie Fenske (Host)
That was my first response. 

29:59 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
yes, yeah, I'm so sorry to have to bother your sleep, but could you please help me with that apology. It minimizes the impact and it devalues that we deserve sleep too, or we deserve the request that we're asking for. Or things like barters Barters are also a low frequency voice habit Like well, I know that I said that I would do this all by myself, but maybe like, could I, you know, offer to do some of your chores if you could help me with this? That would be an example of a barter or a minimizing. A minimizing is another way to kind of like make that again, make that feminine energy smaller, almost make our request smaller is to say something like well, it's really not a big deal, but it would be great if you could help me with this. But if you can't, that's okay, because I know that you're really busy. So if you can't, la, la, la la. You know, adding in all these like extra parts of the question that we don't even know if they're gonna think those things. 

31:15 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Right, I like this, so be. Direct. Like be direct and I love that. It's like get to the root of why you feel that way, because for me it was like I am not a good mom if I can't do this on my own. But if I just kind of like release that and said no, I'm new at this. Everyone burns the first pancake, right. 

31:35 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, exactly. 

31:36 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I don't have to know how to do it and I can get help, and that's okay. So like knowing that and then being able to ask very directly, that would have saved me 10 years ago. 

31:48 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Absolutely Set your belief. You set your belief and then you use your skill to make that sentence short and simple and direct, and don't try to make it smaller. Just let it be and let that silence ring after you say it. Let that silence ring and if they are uncomfortable with what you asked, that's for them to be uncomfortable. That's not for you. You don't have to worry about how they respond. That's their part of the side of the street. They get to decide how they're gonna respond. It's not up to you. 

32:21 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Why is silence so awkward For me? Awkward silence. Like my husband, I joke about this all the time. It was, I think, our second date, our second date. We were driving in LA so there was tons of traffic and his radio and his card didn't work. He was 21, 22 years old. And I remember for a while like we had nothing to say. I'm very good at filling that silence. 

32:44
And I got to a point where I was like I have no other questions to ask, I can't talk, and it was just very quiet. Well, a little bit later he was like we were talking about that date and he was like, wasn't it so nice that we could just sit in silence and be so comfortable together? And I was like, are you kidding me? In my head I was like what should I have? Oh, my God, I need to say something. This is so awkward, it's so quiet, but I'm like for him it was totally comfortable For me. 

33:10
I'm like it's awkward silence. Why do I need to hear something all the time to feel comfortable? 

33:16 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, that's a really good question. I think that I love that your husband was so comfortable in that. 

33:23 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I think that's really rare. That's broken radio. 

33:24 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
It's great. Yeah, I think that's really rare, I think that's really unusual and maybe, I don't know, speaks to his comfortability with that. But I think silence is very intimate. It's a very intimate space and it kind of because what it does is, when you remove that verbal out of the moment, the verbal is almost like a buffer between you. If you think about, you know, here's my energy, here's my conversation, partner's energy, and the words that are being passed back and forth between us are almost kind of like a little buffer and a little something to keep us a little separate so we're not so intimately connected, right, yeah, and I think, I think when we're silent, that buffer in the middle is gone. So we're just, we're in this moment where our energy is coming together. 

34:29 - Katie Fenske (Host)
That's really interesting. Yeah. 

34:32 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
I think, with someone you don't know very well especially. I do this all the time too. You know I'm totally. I love, you know, of course, people like my husband, my children, my parents. You know I love being silent with them because we are already intimately connected. Yeah, so that silence is like it doesn't bother me. In the same way, but with, like a new friend or a new acquaintance or maybe a colleague, that's very uncomfortable because I think that that space of letting our energies come together in such an intimate way, yeah, without the divider in between us, it's like, ooh, do I, do I want to go into that space with this person that I don't know very well? Right, yeah, it can feel, it can feel very vulnerable because it's like oh well, without that cover of the words. 

35:21
What if they really see me? What if they just see who I really am? Like ooh, am I ready to show them that? 

35:29 - Katie Fenske (Host)
That is so interesting. I've never thought about that moment, but that like makes it so clear. So yeah. Yeah, okay, let's switch gears and talk a little bit about a school situation I had. Yeah, so you said you have a background in education and teaching. What did you teach? 

35:47 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, so I have taught music and drama education in public schools for a long, long time. 

35:56
And I've taught yeah, yeah, yeah, and I love, I love teaching I, you know, to to adults, to women. I love teaching online. I love teaching in person. I'm a natural teacher. I love that because you know it uses again, it uses the voice, it uses this, this instrument that I'm very passionate about. So I've taught. I've taught music and drama education to all of the grades. I've taught you know, k through 12. My most recent position has been at the high school level. I really love working with teenagers, okay. 

36:31 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah, I have a school background. I was a teacher for 17 years, so now that my kids are in school, I so I had this situation last year where my middle son because of his birthday he would have started kindergarten like the cutoff date would put him in kindergarten like weeks after, just like two weeks after he started, turned five and he was in my gut. My mom gut was like he's not ready, this is too early, I want to give him another year. I had even talked to the principal the year before about it and she never said I couldn't do that. Well then you know, it was time to enroll him. He was already five. I needed to enroll him for the next school year and he would be six when he started. He got into the kindergarten school that I wanted and then I got a call a month later and they basically just said Hi, mrs Fenske, we got your son's application and is there a reason why you're not putting him in first grade? Why did you put kindergarten? Because his birthday puts him in first grade. 

37:27
And I was like well he would be extremely young for the grade. He's not ready. I wanted to give him another year. I talked to the principal so I went through that and they're like well, sorry, we don't do that, we go by birthday now. And it was kind of like cut and dry and they were like we're going to have to put him in first grade and my first reaction was to start crying, which is not normally like me. I'm not like that, but I just felt helpless, that I had no voice. I had no, and later I was able to like I was able to hang up the phone and like talk to my. I talked it through with my husband. We were able to like work out something that did work and we did put him in kindergarten, but I felt like I had no, say no voice. 

38:12
And I didn't want to. Instantly I did start crying because it was very emotional with me, because I could just like picture my little, my little guy, like this isn't right. I know he, I'm a teacher, I know this is not the right choice for him. But also I didn't want to instantly jump to the like defensive, like angry mom. 

38:30 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Because, ladies. 

38:32 - Katie Fenske (Host)
this is just what they do day to day, Like it's not, like they weren't taking it personal. So I went from like wanting to cry to picking up the phone the next time, like who do I need to talk to to get to the bottom of this? You know, it's like how do you remain confident to what you believe without coming across like really mean and disrespectful? Yeah, that's your instant reaction. When someone says something is to like, like just come at them. And it's like how do you say it respectfully but still have your strong truths behind it? 

39:09 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, that's, that's such a great question and I think that that that circles back a little bit to something we talked about in the very beginning, about that, that masculine and that feminine energy of how, how communication is sort of society acceptable. So I think that women, unfortunately, they get, they get very we get put into one of two camps and there's no gray area in between. We either get put into the passive camp, where we are keeping all of our thoughts to ourselves and we are keeping it small, or, as a reaction to being there and hating it, we then passive, aggressive, we get so resentful that we explode, and then we then we become, we become that archetype of the loud woman who is bitchy and who is, oh, she's too much and she's such a diva. And and neither of those camps are okay, by the way, both of them are like, oh well, we don't like that. We, these really passive women, we don't like that. We also, we really don't like women who are, who are too aggressive, yeah, and speak up too much, and especially in professional situations, it's like it's so hard for women to get into to leadership and be liked right. It's like you can either. You can either be a leader or you can be liked as a woman. 

40:44
I think there's a lot of a lot of people. So we're in this place where we're this or that work. We're opposite, we're contrast. There's no, there's no great area in between for that space that you're talking about where we can be a little bit of both. We can be soft, we can be receptive, we can listen, we can hold space for other people's ideas, but we can also have directness, and we can. We can get the result that we came to get. We can get our point across. We can. We can share our message. We can be true to ourselves. 

41:20
I think that that gray area is I think just to speak directly to the situation that you, that you brought up I think that my my tool for when big emotions come up, which is very common. I think many people would cry in that situation. I don't think it's unusual at all, because you cared a lot. I think it's coming back to that. Belief is what do I believe about this conversation that I'm going into? 

41:51
And I think your belief was this matters a lot to me. This is really, really important to me. So when the conversation went away that you weren't expecting, a big emotion came out and I think it sounds like you handled it really well, because it sounds like you kind of ended the phone call and you took a step back and you paused. And that would be my absolute number one tool, for that is when big emotions come out, that's time to pause, that's not time to try to fix or try to remedy a conversation. That's that's time to take a pause. And, again, it's because when those big emotions come out, the pre, the prefrontal cortex has shut down. 

42:31 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yes, that's totally what happened. I couldn't think straight. 

42:35 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, yeah, you couldn't. You couldn't think of what to say next, because that part of your brain wasn't working anymore. So it's time to say and I have a whole module on this in my program as well is, how do we troubleshoot? Like, yes, we can prepare, we can plan ahead, but there's gonna be things that come up that we haven't planned for. That's just real life. So when those moments happen, what do we do? 

43:01
And when big emotions are present if it's anger, if it's sadness, if it's surprise, if it's anxiety, whatever it is my suggestion is keep a simple script ready to say that you need a pause to say something along the lines of okay, thanks for letting me know what the policy is. I need some time to sit with that, or I need some time to process that, or I need some time to think about what you said. I'll call you back tomorrow, or I'll call you back next week, or I will. You know, whatever the situation is that you're in, whatever deadline you have, and just respectfully saying this is what I need to take care of myself. I'm gonna go do that and, you know, no one can really argue with that, right. No one can say, oh no, you're upset, you're not upset. 

43:58 - Katie Fenske (Host)
No, keep talking. Tell us more. Yeah, no, we gotta finish this right now. Make the decision now. Yes. 

44:04 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
And I think if someone does say that, that's absolutely a red flag. You know, it's almost like a sales technique. It's like if someone is saying that you have to buy it today, then that's not something you wanna buy, right, right. If someone is telling you I have to have a response, right, this second, that's on them, like then that's their problem, then you know you can say I'm not gonna be able to meet that for you. Sorry, like that's not. You know, I think when there's that immediacy, that's an immediate red flag that you're in a conversation with someone who also maybe doesn't have good skills or good boundaries, got it. 

44:41 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I think this is so helpful for parents going into IEP meetings, like having a plan for you know you are allowed to say I just need a moment to think about that, yeah, yeah. Do you have some scripts for people going into buy a car, like the car salesman like will talk to you ever. Work with people who are like I'm going into buy a car. I need to know how to negotiate or like plan that out yeah. 

45:07 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
That's not gonna be when you were talking yeah, yeah, absolutely no. That's a really good question. I have never directly had a client ask me for that specific scenario. No, I have no. 

45:19
However, I think that what we're talking about here, the principles of what we're talking about, those can apply to just about anything, right? Because if we think about let's use the situation you were in, it was a school related thing, it had nothing to do with sales. But if we really think about kind of the types of sentences that were flowing back and forth, it was almost like a sales situation in the way that they were saying here's my idea, I'm gonna try to persuade you to go along with it. Right, here's what I'm selling, I'm gonna sell you first grade and here's all the reasons why first grade is gonna be great, and I'm gonna try to sell you that and get you to buy that. So if you kind of think about it in that way, that's the persuasive tool that was coming up in that conversation. 

46:16
So no, but I think that sales, that type of old school sales tactics, I think it's a perfect example of if someone is telling you that you have to communicate, right, this second, that's not a communication that you wanna be in. That's not an authentic communication where, just to use the brand name, we're not aligned. Those people that are selling you and it has to be right now they're not aligned with what they're truly trying to communicate. They're using manipulation, they're using bribes, they're using barters, they're using a lot of those low frequency habits that we talked about. That, I think, are the principles of ineffective communication. So I think for me, I'm rarely in situations like that anymore, trying to think of, like the last time I was in like a hard sales situation, but I don't know, like even going to the mall sometimes there'll be like people with perfume, yeah, you know that, want you to like. 

47:26
Yeah, exactly, and it's like that's an uncomfortable place for me to be like. When I walk by them, I always try to just like not make eye contact. They'll be contactless. Like walk as fast as I can past them because it's uncomfortable to. It's like we're. I don't really want to have to reject a stranger right now I just want to be at the mall and enjoy myself. 

47:51
So it's kind of like yeah, I'm going to have to step there using an uncomfortably aggressive technique, so I'm going to have to step in and set a boundary, I'm going to have to protect my personal space a little bit and say, no, thank you, I'm not interested. 

48:08 - Katie Fenske (Host)
And just again, I'm going to remember that when I'm going to the grocery store, there's always someone outside selling something you know other than those girls' scouts. I'll say it nicely yes, we have plenty. 

48:21
Okay, another thing I thought of from looking through some of your content this one's more about using your voice to manifest, and I thought of a book. I don't know if you've read the four agreements. One of the things in it is be impeccable with your words, like, really think about the words you're using. And this is where, like, I've kind of started to notice I taught for 17 years, then I quit my job and I'm here, I am starting this potty training business and starting a podcast. And when I first did it, people would be like oh, what are you going to do? And I'm like well, I think I'm going to try to see if I can help with potty training and I might do a pot. 

49:03
Like I was very like passive about it and I started realizing and I've just gotten better at this in like the last couple of months when people ask me like, oh, what do you do? Cause you know people at baseball are like oh, I'm a this, what do you do? And you don't want to be like well, it's when you're a teacher you just say I'm a teacher, yeah, well, I started it. Simple, instead of being like less confident about it, I just go oh, I have a potty training business and I host a podcast, you know like I, just I'm trying to manifest or use my words to create what I want to happen. 

49:40
So is that something you also teach people about? Yes, absolutely. 

49:46 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
You hit the nail on the head. Right there is. Like you, I have also been a student of manifestation techniques and I've I've gotten. Yeah, I've. I've gone down to a rabbit hole like the last year or two like same. I'm reading the books. 

50:05 - Katie Fenske (Host)
All the podcasts. Yes, yeah, I've got all my affirmations and my visions. Yep. 

50:12 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
I love that. I love that you mentioned affirmations, because affirmations is a version of using the voice, if you think about the voices, how we express an affirmation is a written communication. It is a. It's something that we're voicing out into written form, and so that's why when we hear people say at the beginning of the year, like, if you write down your new year's resolutions, they're much more likely to happen yeah, because if you are writing them, you're voicing them. You are, you are voicing them out. 

50:46
So, absolutely your voice has power, and what I've learned through putting this method together is that the head and the heart are really where our ideas for our life are born. You know, we feel, we feel something here. We have an idea in our head about you know I'm I am inspired to become a teacher, I'm inspired to start my own business. There's an idea or we have in our heart. I am feeling really drawn to wanting to start this business. 

51:21
I'm feeling a deep love and a passion for wanting to work for myself or whatever those ideas and feelings. They're inside you, they're there. They don't come out until we speak them and all of a sudden, once we've spoken it or written it down or whatever, once we've spoken it, it is now out there, it is now out in the world. So we've taken an idea that was nothing, we've taken an idea from creation and we've now made it into something real that's coming out into the world by speaking it. So I think that's why the language of that that one of the four agreements is be so impeccable with your language, is to really be thoughtful about what we're saying, because once you say it, it's going to start to become real. 

52:16 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Right, kind of like oh my aiken back or oh, that's killing me. I've been really thoughtful about I don't need to say those things Like I worked out today and my back feels like it, you know, instead of oh aiken back. 

52:35 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, exactly, and I think you know, for so many of us. I know there's a large movement of women entrepreneurs that are, and moms who are realizing I want something more flexible, I want to be able to be with my kids more. I would love to be able to, you know, start this business and work for myself. There's such a movement of women doing that and I think to say, okay, I have this idea, here's my inspiration, here's my desire. I'm imagining what that future looks like. I'm imagining how it's going to feel five years from now when I'm successfully doing this thing. 

53:11 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah, I'm feeling it right now, I yeah. It's successful business yes. 

53:17 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
So say it to your friend at the baseball game. Say it as though it's already happened. Yes, say it. Say it as though it's already happening. Say it as though I'm my five years in the future self. I'm future Katie. I'm going to say, yeah, I have a potty training business. I teach people how to potty train their kids and even though we know in the background, I mean I'm like you know, eight months into starting my brand right? So, I'm in the beginning stages as well. 

53:50
And sometimes I feel like well, when someone asks me, I'm like well, I'm starting of this and I'm starting out and I'm dabbling in. Dantara and I'm like no no, cause that's what I'm going to create. Then, right, do I want to dabble? No, I want to create this. I want to create this program that I want to share, and I'm passionate about sharing that with women, and so I'm going to say that instead. 

54:18
You know I'm going to say, or even like with our kids, right, I'm, you know, deeply in the terrible twos and the tantrums and all of that good stuff, right? So when I'm, when I'm in that moment, you know, I want to say, I want to say something really clear to my son. I want to say, oh, you're feeling this, or tell me, tell me about your big feeling. Right, I want to say, I want to manifest, using positive psychology, like oh, or like let's say, let's say potty training. I'm not yet potty training my son and I do. I do want to. 

55:02
I want to take a look at your yeah, take a look at your resources for that, for sure. But when we get to that point, it's we want to be using positive words. We want to say you can do it. Yes, we are. We are learning to use the potty. We are using the potty not oh, are you going to use the potty and are you not sure? And that did that Like we wouldn't want to project that unsharness out to our children. 

55:29 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Oh my God. That totally reminds me of my absolute favorite swimming coach. He's went to like a swimming he's actually a former Olympian into swimming but he is so good with he's so great with kids. But he would always say like he would give a little talk to the parents afterwards he's like your kids might say I'm scared to go, I don't want to go, and he's like do not give that any value, don't say why are you? 

55:53
scared. Tell me about it. He just goes. Well, today we're going to swimming lessons. He's like I don't and I say that with potty training too Don't ever say are you scared. 

56:02
He just say I know this is new for you. This is a different experience for you. You've never done this before, but we're going to do it together. And he always, I remember they would finish doing their thing. They'd be like sobbing my face as wet. He said I want you to say I did it, and they'd be like he's like say I did it, and they'd be like I did it and he's like awesome, moving on to the next kid. But as the days went on afterwards they'd be like I did it and you were like this man is a genius, but it was his words. He was getting them to use their words. 

56:36 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, in sports psychology. I'm not an athlete, I've really never been in the world of sports much. But sports psychology, again, it's those principles that are the same as any field of study or any industry of career or whatever, even relationships. Sports psychology is so brilliant because they use the quantum mechanics and the manifestation theory that we're talking about. It's all the same things. They're visualizing, right, the Olympians that like visualize them. 

57:10 - Katie Fenske (Host)
The future metal going down that hill yeah. 

57:13 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Making the touchdown, whatever it is they're visualizing, they're using that tool, they're using the spoken tools, the voice tools. They're doing all of those things. We can copy that. We can use that in everyday situations. We can visualize ourselves going to the doctor or going into a tough conversation with our IEP case manager. We can visualize that going well. We can visualize ourselves saying the thing that we really wanna say and showing our children that tool as well. Like you said and there have been moments with my son where he'll express something and it'll be a negative or I'm scared about, or I don't wanna do XYZ, and I think you're absolutely right. It's just we don't give that any energy. It's not that we say, oh, you're wrong, we don't need to change. 

58:11 - Katie Fenske (Host)
We're not valuing their feelings. Yes, yes, yes, we're not, I tell parents potty train all the time Like, yes, they feel scared. This is totally new. You don't have to not understand that and avoid it, but we can help them work through it and you know it's safe. Like you know, a little potty is a safe place to go and it's acceptable. So we have to help them work through that feeling. 

58:36 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely Validate their feeling, Keep that brief and then move on and don't give it further energy, cause I think when we give it the further energy, let's say, next time they're going to sit on the potty, or my son, right now we're going to be transitioning him into a twin size bed. So you know, if there, if he expresses, most of the time, he seems excited, which I'm like yay, let's, let's go with that. 

59:05 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Hope for the best right. Yeah, hope for the best Visualize him sleeping really well. 

59:10 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Exactly. But on the off moments where he might express a little bit of concern over it, I don't want to feed that. Yes, whatever we give energy to is just going to grow. So we validate it. We say, I hear you, we validate, and then and then moving on and then creating a positive Cause. Whatever we say about the bed, I'm going to, like you said, I'm going to be very careful with what I say about it. Oh my gosh, this is so exciting. We have something new to try. Look at this beautiful new bed and you can jump on it and it's really squishy, and isn't that? 

59:46 - Katie Fenske (Host)
fun, plenty of room for all your animals. You have given us so many amazing nuggets Like I. I feel like we're just like bouncing all over cause I'm like I have so many questions, but I like this method you can use for job interviews, you know as a mom in the classroom. Just so many things Gosh that everyone can use. Tell us a little bit about Align Voice, how we can find you and what kind of programs you have. 

01:00:12 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yep, yes, align Voice. I am on Instagram. 

01:00:16 - Katie Fenske (Host)
You're incredibly successful business right. 

01:00:18 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, exactly, I am an amazing business with incredible things to offer. I'm excited to meet women who are looking forward to doing this work. Okay, I would love to hear from any women who are interested in using these tools with their kids, with their spouse, with school situations, with work situations, whatever the case may be. Right now, I am offering a program where we have it's called Vocally Empowered and we have the self-paced module portion of it, which is kind of like your blueprint for learning the skills, learning the techniques, and that package also comes with six months of group coaching calls, which are live with me in a small group of women. 

01:01:09
Yeah, to me, that's my favorite part of facilitating this program is the group work, because using our voice is a skill that we cannot do in a vacuum. Yes, yes, as much as I would love to, my introverted side is like I would love to just be by myself and practice this alone and not feel vulnerable. The work really gets the best results when we have peers to rehearse in front of and a safe space to practice the conversation that you're gonna go have with your doctor and have a place to make mistakes and feel anxious and start over and try it again, and everyone is there supporting you, everyone's doing at the same time. 

01:01:54 - Katie Fenske (Host)
That is so interesting because I had this idea for the podcast I think it was 2021, is when I was like I think I need to start. You know my heart. It just said I need to start a podcast. 

01:02:08 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah. 

01:02:09 - Katie Fenske (Host)
And I had told my husband, I had told my best friend, but it had just been like I can't get it going, I'm not sure. I joined a mastermind last January and they said, okay, what are your goals, what do you want from your business? And I was like I wanna start a podcast. I started my podcast before that mastermind even ended, I think, because I actually said it out loud to people, not just my husband, like he's supportive, but it was like saying it loud to a group of supportive women was like the kick I needed to do it. So I love that you have those small groups that women can be a part of. 

01:02:47 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely. That's a key to the transformation and I really love I love watching women go through the transformation. 

01:02:56 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I bet you see a huge change in, like confidence and self-esteem. Oh, that's awesome. I love what you do and I feel like this gave me so much to think about and prepare. I just love, love, love, love what you do. So thank you so much for coming on. 

01:03:11 - Erin Roberts (Guest)
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor. You're a joy to talk to and you're a beautiful communicator, so thank you yeah, yeah so absolutely. Podcasting and using your voices is clearly one of your gifts. Thank you so much. 

01:03:28 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Thank you so much to Erin for coming on this podcast. All of you seek her out, because this is really something that moms need to be exposed to. Like who knew that the way you speak or the way you can prepare going into an important meeting can make such a difference. So I'm gonna be working on using my voice and advocating for myself and my family. Thank you so much for joining me again on another Friday mom conversation. I love sharing these with you. I love our burnt pancakes community that we're forming. So if you get a chance this week, come over and say hello to me on social media at burnt pancakes with Katie, and until then, I wanna remind you that everyone burns their first pancakes, so just keep flipping.