90. Navigating Gender Disappointment: When I Heard "It's a Boy" Again

Years ago, I found myself staring at an ultrasound screen, grappling with a wave of unexpected emotions. The image revealed I was having another boy, and despite my joy at being pregnant again, a shadow of sadness crept in as I had always dreamt of having a daughter. 

Join me on this episode of the Burnt Pancakes Podcast, where I open up about the the heart-wrenching yet common experience of gender disappointment in motherhood. Together, I'll explore how personal hopes shape our feelings as parents, and I offer a compassionate space for you to understand that these emotions are not solitary.

While gender disappointment can be overwhelming, this journey led me to a beautiful realization as a "boy mom." I reflect on the profound bond formed with my sons, from Ronin’s birth to Jett’s long labor, and how embracing the unknown during my third pregnancy allowed me to focus on the joy of welcoming a healthy baby. 

This episode offers a candid look into finding peace amidst shifting family dreams and highlights the unexpected joy and fulfillment in discovering that raising three boys was the perfect path for me. Whether you're navigating similar emotions or looking to understand this facet of motherhood, join the conversation and find solace in knowing you’re not alone.

📺 Watch the episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOpw5ui4uxJHx0tLFVtpnfSkpObfc4d-K

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website: burntpancakes.com
YouTube: @burnt.pancakes
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Email: katie@burntpancakes.com

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Transcript

00:09 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Hello, hello, and welcome back to the burnt pancakes podcast, the podcast that reminds moms that everyone burns their first pancake. If you're new here, I am Katie Fenske, a mom of three boys, and each week I bring you a new momversation. This is just a real talk about motherhood the struggles we face, some humorous moments that we can all laugh about and the things that we don't always say out loud enough. Now, before we get to today's momversation, I wanted to remind you all, especially all you toddler moms, about my digital potty training course that just launched. If you have any questions about potty training, this course has all the answers. It's a great resource if you don't know how to start or if you're struggling potty training it will get you back on track. It's short, easy to watch. You're not going to have to read a long parenting book, but you'll get all the answers. So check the show notes for a link to my new course. So check the show notes for a link to my new course. Okay, back to the podcast. 

01:13
Today I want to bring up a topic that I have personally experienced firsthand and, over the years, have realized that quite a few other moms have experienced also, but this was something that I did not know existed before and it's really not talked about that often. So today I want to open up a discussion about gender disappointment. It's that gut punch feeling when you see your ultrasound screen and it's not what you were hoping for. So for a lot of us moms, we experience this feeling but feel kind of ashamed to admit it or talk about it. So today I am here to bring up this discussion and talk about it. You all know I have three boys and no daughters Now. I love them more than life itself. But I'm not going to lie. When I found out that Jet, my middle son, was a boy, I went through a period of sadness, even a little depression, and if you've ever felt that way, I want you to know that you're not alone. So I kind of want to walk you through my story, and how I ended up with three boys. I still don't know. So let's go back in time. 

02:20
Way before Jake and I even thought about getting pregnant, we had always talked about having two kids. That was our thing. We're going to have a boy and a girl. It didn't really matter what order we had them in, we just knew we were going to have one of each. Well, surprise, surprise, that's not actually what happened. I really think Jake wanted a boy. I mean the whole sports thing and being a boy dad um, he didn't. He didn't mind having a girl, but I knew he really wanted a boy. And even though I wanted a boy also, um, I just always pictured myself having daughter. I pictured like cute outfits, um, taking her to plays, dolls, tea parties and eventually having like a grown daughter that could be my best friend. So my sister and I are really close to my mom Literally. We both live like a half a mile from her, so we're very close, but we're also close to my mom and I felt like having a daughter. Daughters tend to stick around and they stay close to their moms and they become best friends and boys just go away. So, thinking of the future, in the longterm, I thought I wanted a daughter who will be in my life after she's 18. 

03:37
So when I got pregnant with Ronan, we were already planning on finding out what we were having, but we didn't really at that time have a preference either way, cause our plan was to have one of each, so it kind of didn't matter which one we had first. We actually found out at our nine week ultrasound that it was a boy. So I was not expecting to find out. That day we were both there. The tech was checking the baby and said, oh, are you planning on finding out what you're having? Because there it is. And like at the same moment, jake was looking at the screen and he said it was so obvious that it was a boy. Um, so we found out very early and I remember being excited. My best friend had a boy already and we knew we wanted one. All was good because I was planning on having another baby and that one was going to be my girl, right. So when I got pregnant again, ronan was three and we didn't really do anything different to try and have a girl. I know there's like techniques you can use and timing things a certain way, but I just wanted to get pregnant and when you're like trying to conceive sometimes it's like I don't even care anymore. I just want to get pregnant, um, and I just wanted a healthy baby, um. But I kind of had it in my mind that this one was going to be my girl, right, cause we were going to have a boy and then a girl. So with my second pregnancy, so this was Jet's pregnancy. 

05:01
I was so much sicker than I was with Ronan. Like Ronan, I was sick. It could have been because I was teaching at the time, so I was probably very distracted, even though you are sick, but I was sick so much longer. Like with Ronan, it all went away by 12 weeks. With Jet it was like 17, 18 weeks before that all went away. So I thought, oh my gosh, this is a good sign, right? Because I've heard you get more sick when you're pregnant with a girl. 

05:28
I did, however, have a dream that I was having a boy, which I also did with Ronan. So I'm kind of thinking like I dream about the gender of my baby, because this also happened with Maverick also. But I kind of played that off as like, oh, it was just a dream, it's not real, this isn't happening. Well, spoiler alert, my dreams were very powerful. I don't know why I somehow predict the gender of my baby through my dreams, but anyways, I went in for an ultrasound at the 16-week mark and they told me that they wouldn't tell me until the 20-week appointment. 

06:06
But at the time, the technician she was really friendly and asked me like how many kids do you have? Um, she did at one point like have me close my eyes so I wouldn't see the screen Cause I told her, or she said, don't look yet, I'm not telling you today. Um, but then later in the appointment she said oh, so you have a boy already. Are you feeling different this pregnancy? So, of course, like what does my mind think? Oh, my gosh, ding, ding, ding. She's like hinting that it's a girl. So for like the next four weeks I thought, oh, my gosh, this technician was like giving me, giving me hints, like she almost let it slip. This is going to be a girl. So I kind of went in feeling like this is it? So I went in for my 20 week appointment. 

06:47
Um, I remember Jake had to go to work that morning, so I went by myself. I had my mom come over and watch Ronan and like that morning I literally was planning on I'm going to go pick up some pink balloons and like take Ronan to the park, we'll take a cute picture that says it's a girl, like I had that in my mind. So during the ultrasound the technician saw the gender and said oh, there we go. It's a boy. And like my heart dropped for a minute Like I couldn't speak, but I kind of tried to play it cool. I literally felt like crying and I had to like hold back tears, which I don't know. Sometimes it sounds silly Like you have a healthy baby, like why, why would you cry about that I did. When the doctor came in, um, I had him check again. I said, hey, would you mind? She said it was a boy, but can you double check? And I feel like she looked at me like um bitch. I know what I'm doing, this is my job. I didn't mistake seeing a penis, um, but I don't know. I just I had to. I was crushed. 

07:49
Um, we weren't planning on having any more kids, so it just instantly felt like that dream was shattered. Um, going wedding dress shopping and tea parties and having that best friend was all gone. Um, it was really hard too, because three of my best friends, um, um, they all were pregnant with girls at the same time. So it was kind of like those three are all having girls and I'm having another boy. I came home, I told my mom I like kept it together, but then, after she left, I went in the bathroom and cried. I was like so disappointed. So instead of the pink balloons. Um, I got out a blue Crayola marker. I wrote it's a boy on a piece of printer paper which is like so lame, like I didn't even make it look nice. I sat Ronan on a swing in our backyard and I took a picture of him and, like I specifically remember, he had a cold at the time, so his nose and lips were all red because he had been licking his mouth. His hair wasn't done, but I just kind of didn't care, like I didn't want to put effort into a gender reveal. I was just like, okay, this is it. Like that dream is done. 

09:11
Um, during that pregnancy, I was like really sad about having another boy, even though people would say, oh, my gosh, boys are the best. Or they're going to be built in buddies Okay, they're built in fighting buddies right now. Um, they said, oh, you won't have to buy any new baby gear, you won't have to buy baby clothes, isn't that nice? And I was like, no, like I was planning on buying a whole new set of girl clothes and pink swaddles. So, even though, like people would like try and cheer me up, I don't think outwardly, I like came across as super depressed. It's like inwardly, I was just like really disappointed. So that's kind of how it was for a while. 

09:47
Um, I did feel guilty for, like the sweet little baby inside me I didn't want him to feel that I was sad. Um, I also felt guilty that there are so many women trying to get pregnant and couldn't, and here I was feeling sad that I was pregnant with a boy and he was totally healthy. Um, so I just had those feelings. I tried to come to terms with it being a boy. I tried to be excited and it wasn't like I was like wallowing in despair, but it was just this constant, like you would see a mom with her daughter or like a little baby girl and you'd be like I'll never have that. Um, I mean, I did kind of carry this through the birth. I can't say that like instantly. 

10:29
It went away the minute Jet was born. It was a very long labor. I was like 30 plus hours so by the time he did come. When he was born, I was really relieved and it was my first V-backs. I had a V-back with him. So I was really glad that was over. But it wasn't like the minute I held him I was like, oh, I'm so glad I have a boy. It does gradually come over times, like over the months when his personality started to merge. I got past that disappointment and started realizing, um, he's exactly what I was supposed to have. Like, I couldn't imagine life without him, um. So it it didn't last forever, but it did take a little bit of time. 

11:15
So we, of course, had a third child, um, I'll probably do a podcast sometime about how how we knew we weren't done at two kids, because we were very sure we were only having two until we weren't, until after jet. Now, um, we did have a discussion before we decided to have three and it was like are you okay if we end up with three boys? And the answer we both gave was yes, and honestly, I was okay by that point, because Jet now was Was he two yet? Let me think no, he was like one and a half, I guess. And at that point I was like okay, being a boy mom, like I wasn't, I still was like if it was a girl, that'd be great, but if it ends up being another boy, I am happy with that. I am okay with that. Um, we decided where I actually. 

12:06
I decided that during that pregnancy I did not want to find out what it was what I was having. Um, what it was what I was having. Um, my doctor had told me that if you already have two of one, the chances of having a third um, that is, the other gender is way lower. So, like, if you have two boys already, chances are you're going to have another boy. So I kind of went in knowing like the chances are very high, but if it's a girl, great, if it's another boy, we're totally fine. So my gut was saying it was a boy. I had any other dream that it was a boy, but I tried to ignore that. 

12:45
Um, when I went in for one of my ultrasounds, the technician did slip and like I was adamant, like I just don't want to know, I don't want to find out what I'm having. She slipped because at one point, when I told her I don't want to know, she told me not to look and then after that she referred to the baby as a he. So then I was like turn it. Like I googled, of course, like how often do they slip? Do they? Do technicians tend to call the unknown baby a girl or boy? Like I got a little obsessive. But then I was like I'm just going to pretend like she just made a mistake, she didn't meet, like she didn't actually see it, and then give it away anyways. 

13:26
But the reason I didn't find out was because I just wanted to protect myself from having those disappointing emotions the months I was pregnant. Instead, I just wanted to go through that labor and just be glad the baby was out and like have that energy going, instead of feeling disappointed, um, and I really do think that helped. Like I still envisioned like what would it feel like if they had the baby? And they said it's a girl, and I was like that would be so exciting. But there was less disappointment while I was pregnant, um, and I think, too, it helped prepare me a little bit more, like instead of just boom, you're at the ultrasound and you're having a boy, so, um, so we had him and I was actually the first one to see that it was a boy. So I was like, oh, it's a boy and it was like it was okay, like same with my other boys. 

14:17
It took me a while to like really feel that bond between my babies. It wasn't like the minute they were born. I was like I'm bonded to you, um, but I was very like content with it all. So here's the thing Gender disappointment is a real thing and it doesn't mean that you don't love your baby. It doesn't mean that you're ungrateful for your pregnancy. It just means that you had an idea in your head and that reality shifted and that shift can take a while to adjust. 

14:51
So there is a bit of a mourning period because you're mourning a child that you've dreamt of having for a very long time, probably since you were a little girl. You're mourning like a family dynamic that will never be. Like. I really thought Jake would make a really great girl dad and I kind of had to like mourn the feeling, the fact that I'll never see him be a girl dad. It's more in the feeling, the fact that I'll never see him be a girl dad. So obviously I got questions a lot when people saw that I had all boys. Oh, are you going to try for that girl? And my answer is always nope, we're good with what we have, or nope, I'm tapped out. This is, this is fine. Because, like honestly, like I am really, I really do think the stars were in line. Someone had a plan and it was for me to have all boys and it ended up being the best thing that could happen. Um, here's the other side of it. Once I got past like grieving about not having a girl, I started to see just how amazing being just a boy mom is. I really do think I was meant to have all boys. 

15:58
When I look back at when I was a teacher, I'm going to admit that my favorite students were always boys. I know teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but like if I could look back at my past students, go back all that far like my favorites always were a boy, from whatever year. So boys were always more challenging. They were a lot harder to teach because they're more active and talkative and this, but they were more fun for me. So I don't know, that helps me feel like I think, yeah, this is what I was meant to have. 

16:30
Okay, and let's talk about sports. I never picture myself being the mom on the sideline yelling and cheering and getting emotional at baseball games. But now this is what I live for. If you know me from baseball or football, you know like I never miss a game. I live and breathe sports which who knew I wouldn't have known that? And I know like girls can play sports too, and if I had a girl I would have been very involved in what she was doing. But it just makes me think like this is what I was meant to have. Now I do look at the future and know now that I'm going to have three daughters-in-law, and the thought of like some girl coming and taking my place in my son's eyes is not fun to think about, um, but I, I don't know. I'm preparing myself. They are going to bring girls home one day, and that's just what it is when you are a boy mom. So the takeaway of all of this, um, after going through it myself and talking to other moms who have opened up about gender disappointment, this is what I want all of you to know. 

17:37
Your feelings are totally valid. You don't have to pretend you're like overjoyed right away. It's okay to take time to process the emotions you're feeling about the gender of your baby. It doesn't mean that you don't love your baby any less. You can be excited for your child and still mourn, like the vision of the son or daughter that you thought you were going to have. You are going to love, um, the way things turned out. 

18:04
I look at my boys now and I cannot imagine life any other way. I mean, sometimes I wish they were a lot quieter and thought less, and but, um, it really did happen the way it was supposed to and that feeling did grow over time. So, like initially it was like gosh, I wonder why I didn't have a girl. Now, like, I can honestly think that this is what was meant to be. You don't have to have this overwhelming bond with your baby the minute it comes out of your body. For me, it took, like it took weeks, it took months, um, to feel that closeness. But I can look back now on having three boys and it really is the greatest blessing. I really truly think this is what I was meant to have and, um, I can be very honest and say I a hundred percent believe that. So also, there is beauty in the unexpected. So life doesn't have to give us what we planned. Sometimes it could be even better than what we expected. I do have a little little sign that my friend gave me on my desk that says what if it all works out? And sometimes they say what if it works out better than what you could have even imagined? And I think that's what. 

19:14
What happened so to all of my fellow boy moms or girl moms, or if you're just hoping for one gender and didn't get it, know that you're not alone. It's okay to feel all the things you're feeling, but also know that your story isn't over and there is so much joy ahead and a meaning for why things turned out the way they did. Thanks for tuning in to today's momversation. I was looking forward to opening up this conversation with you all, so I hope you enjoyed it. If it resonated with you, send me a message on Instagram. I would love to hear your story. And if you're enjoying burnt pancakes, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow moms who might need to hear this. And until next week, I want to remind you that everyone burns their first pancake, so just keep flipping. Thanks for watching.