97. How to Have Fewer Days That Suck with Deborah Mallow

Motivational speaker and success coach Deborah Mallow joins me to share her  insights on self-care and cultivating a positive mindset. Growing up in Manhattan with fashion designer parents and having a career in textile design, Deborah's optimism and passion for human connection shine through as she discusses her book, "Six Steps to Fewer Days that Suck." 

Her journey from fashion to motivational speaking underscores the power of breaking free from negativity and embracing realistic positivity to lead a fulfilling life.

Every day is an opportunity to make choices that shape our happiness. Deborah  highlights the impact of starting each morning with positive affirmations and a smile, effectively setting a joyful tone for the day. 

We delve into practical strategies from her book designed to instill balance, self-love, and emotional management, particularly for mothers juggling the demands of home and career. Through personal stories, we explore how small, intentional decisions can prevent negativity from taking over, creating a ripple effect of positivity.

 By practicing gratitude and engaging in activities we love, we can enhance our well-being and remind ourselves that we are enough. This episode is a heartfelt reminder for mothers and anyone looking to infuse more joy into their lives.

Learn More About Deborah:

Her Book: 6 Steps To Fewer Days That Suck

Website: thedailydecisions.com

thedailydecisions.com/inspire (join my positivity energy club and get access to Happiness, Motivation, Feel-Good Activities Worksheets) 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/daily.decisions/

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Transcript

00:09 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Hello, hello, and welcome back to the Burnt Pancakes podcast. I'm your host, Katie Fenske, reminding moms that everyone burns their first pancake. Now, moms, let's be real. Sleep is a luxury we don't always get enough of, but when I do sleep, I want it to be amazing, and thanks to today's podcast sponsor, Cozy Earth, it truly is. I've been using their bamboo sheets and pajamas and I'm telling you, these are next level comfort. The sheets are so soft, so cool and so luxurious. It's like bringing a five-star hotel into your home. Cozy Earth sheets are so breathable You'll sleep several degrees cooler, so you're not waking up a sweaty mess. Um, hello, perimenopause. And their pajamas they're lightweight but cozy, making me feel like I'm getting a spa day at home, even though I'm just surviving bedtime routine. And fellow tall moms Listen up. As someone who is 5'9", finding pajamas that actually fit is nearly impossible, but Cozy Earth's pajamas come in tall sizes as well, and I finally have sleeves and pants that are long enough. No awkward ankle gaps here. I got myself the pink set, but I do have my eye on the navy short sleeve for summer. 

01:26
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02:41
Okay, it's time for another momversation. Now let's be real. Some days just suck. But what if we could have fewer of those days and more that feel lighter, easier and, dare I say, enjoyable. Well, today I'm sitting down with the incredible Debra Mollo. She's a motivational speaker, success coach and author of Six Steps to Fewer Days that Suck. Debra is all about realistic positivity. Not forcing happiness, but making small, powerful shifts that lead to a better, less stressful life. We're talking about breaking negative habits, finding the real sunshine in tough moments and practical ways moms can start feeling less overwhelmed and more fulfilled. If you're ready to shake off the stress and step into more joy, this episode is for you. Well, Debra, welcome to the podcast. 

03:34 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Thank you, katie. I'm thrilled to be here and inspire your audience alongside of you, and I'm sending everybody hearts. Oh, I love it. Everybody. Hug yourself, because that's what we need to do. We need to really appreciate ourselves, too, and give ourselves a big hug and say I am enough, because we all are. 

03:56 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yes, oh my gosh, we could so use this. Okay, let's get a little bit about your background, because you started in textile design and then biotech sales before becoming a success coach, so can you share a little bit about that journey? 

04:09 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Absolutely Well, my dream my parents were fashion designers. Oh, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I grew up in Manhattan Back in the day, when it wasn't like it was now. It was really gritty. You think it's gritty now, it was grittier back then. But our parents didn't know, without social media, without many things, that they just let us roam the streets. So from fourth grade on I was taking the bus to school. I grew up very independently. My parents worked and it was just a really fun childhood because we would go shopping and stores and no social media, no Amazon or anything. We would spend time on Saturdays in Bloomingdale's or Macy's. It was just a lot of fun. And then I always because my parents were designers I always wanted to do textiles. I have an affinity for touch, and so that's what I did. I studied it at Syracuse and I did it. I worked for companies and then my husband said you're so good, we should start a business. So we licensed my designs for many years and then we had our son later, after 13 years of marriage. 

05:25 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I started. 

05:26 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Okay, you know I will do it, because I was really on the fence and got a good one, had one, and I just thought I'll take some time to be with him. So we put the business on the side because it was licensing, so we could, and we had many successful patterns over the years. And then I decided not to go back to that. And someone said you know, you're so chatty, you'd be so good at pharma sales. So I took myself into a job at Johnson and Johnson. See, anything we want to do, honestly, we can do if we put our effort into it. And I did it and I said I'm going to be number one, I'm going to be the best rep. And I worked at it and just use my personality because I've always been a ray of sunshine. 

06:19 - Katie Fenske (Host)
She's putting on her sun hat. I love it she's putting on her sun hat. 

06:23 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
I love it. But challenging myself to be number one, raising a son and working, getting up early three in the morning so I could get things done before my son got up and everything, I just burnt myself out. And then once he went to college, I even worked longer hours. So sometimes I get home till 10 o'clock at night. Reps don't do that. They're usually home earlier I won't say what time, but earlier. But I would leave if I could have a breakfast in a doctor's office. I'd be in the office at 630 in the morning. I'd be in offices at 7 o'clock at night when they finished to chat with them. 

07:03
Because it was really a relationship, the product, you know. There's just so much you can push and then people find it offensive. So I just let it work the way it worked and they would use what made sense for them and I would build a relationship over many years. But I burnt myself out and there was a day on a New York City subway platform that the tears started rolling down my cheeks and I said I cannot do this anymore. But nothing's going to change unless I change. I have to get rid of the negative talk track, the circular thinking, the trying to be the best Moms. We're always trying to be the best. Well, you know what we have to give our ourselves permission to say we're doing the best we can, because we all have our children's best interest in heart. Most people do anyhow, I'm telling you, I'm the caveat to everything. But I just said to myself I I have to change. 

08:07
And that's when I started writing the book. It was just called my Daily Decisions. That's my website of the Daily Decisions, but I just called it my Daily Decisions and I wrote the commitment to myself, questions that I needed to know and answers, solutions to problems, whether it was negativity, whether it was being positive, happiness, no more excuses. We could come up with a lot of excuses being kind to myself, because we all have to be kind. It's just double pages of all these things that everybody struggles with and I just worked through it and I had action items, things to do, tips. I would write notes at the end and that's how I came up with the framework for myself. 

08:54
And when I had friends read it, because I said look, this is really working for me because the brain loves patterns and if you create positive patterns that stick. And if you create positive patterns that stick. You start to reframe your thoughts and your perspective. It really is doable. The human mind can adapt, and we could talk about the negativity bias and the way we're prone to be negative information and prioritizing it over positive. But you learn. 

09:32
The science behind everything is what I have in the book too, but everything is very short no charts, no graphs, no deep explanations. Just get to the point and try to help myself figure out how to be happier myself. Figure out how to be happier, not happy, every minute of every day. We have to have realistic expectations, and so I then started to get clients to coach and people that wanted an accountability partner. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, but I've lived life. I like you, coaching the moms and your potty training and all this stuff. You learn by doing and by reading and by just exposing yourself to ways to make life easier. That's what you do, katie. That's what I do at the Daily Decisions. 

10:22
My positive energy club is to just help people have more positive energy in their day so they can feel better about themselves and not be so hard on themselves. So that's how it all started. I love it. And one thing I want to say, and this is the best I think what makes us happy is when we have confidence in ourselves and resilience and doing different jobs even your mom job too, which is the most difficult job we build resilience, we have perspective, we start to see that we don't have to be perfect. We can accept ourselves and just do our best and everything will work out. Some things don't work out, but being resilient enough to say, okay, more things work out that don't work out. We're able to feel better about ourselves and that's the wonderful thing. In the wisdom of growing older, it really is a wonderful thing to have perspective on. Things will work out and we need to not be so hard on ourselves. 

11:33 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Oh my gosh, I love that, love that. Okay, you talked about daily decisions. What does that mean and how can small choices impact our overall happiness? 

11:45 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
And that's really true, and that's why my what I call my brand, and it was the book name before I got six steps to do a day that suck, which is a little. It's more amusing, right, you got to put a smile on people's face. The daily decisions it's really true, we choose how to shape our lives. You can choose negative, you could choose positive. Both are contagious, both will spread. And why choose negative? And why choose not to enjoy your life? 

12:14
So those daily decisions how you choose to think, your thoughts, whether you have that circular thinking and you're worrying about everything that's not even going to happen, or you're just being so hard on yourself or thinking you're not good enough, or whatever you want to do to derail yourself from living a happier life we can do so. The decision every day and I do this every day, you want to call it an affirmation a decision is to start the day on a positive note and to be kind to myself every day and to be kind to other people, no matter how challenging, because everybody has their struggles. The human condition is the same for everyone. We have different struggles and different things we deal with and different upbringings, some more tough than others, but the decisions we make will make our day better or worse. They really will, and that's why the daily decisions. 

13:15 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Love that. I started a habit about a year ago that the first thing I do when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, I say today's going to be a great day, today's going to be a great day, and I do feel like it helps set the tone. So now, when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, I say today's going to be a great day, today's going to be a great day, and I do feel like it helps set the tone. So now when I wake up my kids I'm like good morning, it's going to be a great day today. You know they're like I don't want to get up, but I'm like but, it's going to be a great day, but it's a way of almost trick. Yes, it really is such an important and that's a wonderful way to do it. 

13:48 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
The other thing you can add to this is smile while you're saying it, because smiling, the science behind that is even laughing, but smiling gets the endorphins, the dopamine and serotonin, perfect, just try, everyone listen. 

14:06 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Just smile, smile. I'm smiling right now. You're better already. 

14:10 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
So you can add smiling to your affirmation that it's going to be a great day, and it really makes a difference how you set the tone, because this is what's it. I love the science behind things. 

14:23 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I do too. I am so into that, because when we wake up, just nothing to do with us. 

14:31 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
The cortisol starts to percolate and that's why we have the negative thoughts. So we need to cut them off at the past and not happen. So what you're doing is stopping that cortisol from taking over and the anxiety and everything that we could all work ourselves up into and manage the stress and just say it's going to be okay, today's going to be a great day. What you're doing is so amazing. 

15:02 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I'm working on it. I'm working on it. Okay, so your book Six Step to fewer days, that suck. It's not a traditional chapter book and you did that on purpose. It's more interactive. Can you tell us kind of how you structured it and why you did it that way? 

15:16 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
So it wasn't meant to be for public consumption. Actually, friends of mine told me I needed to do it. I did it for myself, yeah, because I I pushed myself throughout my life to be the best in whatever I did perfection overrated you know, there's something to be said about responsibility. I believe we should be responsible, but I believe balance is well. Did I balance? 

15:47 - Katie Fenske (Host)
No, no balance and then we'll see what happens. We can have a complete meltdown, yeah. 

15:53 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Meltdown on the New York city subway platform wasn't a pretty sight. 

15:59 - Katie Fenske (Host)
But that might've been. Was that a turning point for you where you went? Something's got to change. Was that a turning point for you where you went, something's got to change. 

16:05 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Yeah, thing has really had to change. And I said to myself, as the tears were rolling down my cheeks. I said, okay, nothing's going to change unless I change my thought process, how I do things. I need balance in my life and I need to give myself some love and appreciate myself, because all I would focus on was I'm a number one sales rep, year over year, at a big pharma company for one of their franchises. Well, that's no easy feat. But what did I say? Hold it. 

16:37
Many things I did right in a day. I saw the one thing I did wrong, and that's how moms are right, totally we do for our kids. But we see the one thing that maybe we were just having a, we were exhausted at the end of the day. Maybe we raised our voice. Well, you know what Life is life and then you work through that and you manage those emotions. So next time, maybe you don't you stop the domino effect from happening. It's all the same thing, whether it's motherhood, whether it's a job. It's managing our emotions and not letting them get the better of us, so that we don't feel that I don't want to say guilt or shame or whatever we feel afterwards, I call it hitting the point of no return. 

17:26 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yes, yes, yeah. I can see that there are some days where it's like I I feel like I get angry and then I do this and it just snowballs and I don't know how to just like regroup and be like, okay, that happened, but I don't have to finish my day like this. Can you share one of your favorite steps from the book that moms can start using today if they're having a rough day and they want to turn things around? 

17:49 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Well, one of my favorites is the action, because it's because, well, in the mindset I have be kind to yourself. I'm thinking of moms, I mean there's always good things, but be kind to yourself. But in the action, peer through the lens of optimism. You are your gift. You know all the positive things that we think we need to think about and take breaks to process. You know we all need to give ourselves time to be able to regroup, to take a breath and then, once we relax and we honor ourselves, we honor our dignity, as I say, we're able to push forward and go on, and so just being able to do that. 

18:36
So the action has a lot of that, but it's all peppered throughout the book because everything stay centered and bloom was another thing, another double page. That really is helpful, because it's all about self-care and that's not pedicures and manicures. Of course that's lovely and we need to do that for ourselves too lovely. But it's more about having confidence in ourselves, having self worth, building the self esteem, having resilience to bounce back. All those things to me I see as self care, because we're building a wonderful human being kind to ourselves. It lets us feel valued, because we all should feel valued, and if you're not valuing yourself, you need to start valuing yourself now. And yes, you say oh, but you could do it. 

19:34
But I was there, I understand it, but it starts with the decision. That's why the first step in my book is the decision, because we have to make the decision to change our mindset, to reframe our thoughts, to be, as I call it personally considerate we need to be. We're nice to strangers and sometimes we're so rude to ourselves. Oh, you're so stupid. I'm not calling you that. I was saying to ourselves. You're so stupid. Oh, I just really messed up. I don't want to say a bad word. 

20:08 - Katie Fenske (Host)
There might be children in the background listening. 

20:11 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Instead of saying that I love learning something new. I made a mistake, but mistakes are actually opportunities to learn and grow, because nobody does everything perfect right off the bat. It's not possible. We need to make mistakes. I actually I do not like the word failure, katie. I have renamed it education, because we need to learn and grow and the only way to do it is to make mistakes, to have glitches happen along the way and be able to see. That's resilience, to be able to see that we can get through it. We can do hard things and then sometimes from these mistakes come wonderful opportunities right. 

21:00
I was listening to one of your podcasts with one woman who actually does videos for, and it just happened sort of by mistake. Someone found her, asked her to do it and then she was brave enough to say yeah, I have a business. I mean, you have to listen to that podcast if you haven't, but Katie did. It's really. All our podcasts are amazing. I'm such a fan. Thank you, I'm such a fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm glad I'm here. 

21:32
So it's really important to do that and to believe in ourselves and to take care of ourselves and be personally considerate. Think about that I'm all about. My book is all about soundbites. Revision is a decision. It's just so many little things that we need to just say to ourselves, or visualizations in our mind, to be able to actually see it at the time before we go down a rabbit hole. Because taking a pause, taking a breath, as trite as that might sound, it really makes a difference, because everything is really how we react to it. Right, we can react positively, we can react negatively. That's what makes the impact how we respond right. 

22:11 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Right, okay. So talking about positivity, though you've heard of like toxic positivity how do you balance being just an optimistic person and getting through struggles? 

22:25 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
So, again, giving yourself permission to know that you can't be happy every second of every day and positive every second of every day. We're human beings. We have thoughts. It's learning to manage them, not letting them control us, but being able to take charge and work through things and say you know what? I'm going to take a step back and I'm going to figure out the best way to make this work rather than reacting, getting angry, getting frustrated maybe a little yelling Sounds like my afternoon. 

23:06 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I hear such a sweet voice. You didn't put the toys away. I asked you to put the toys away. 

23:12 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
You got to put more on them. They need to take responsibility and it's funny, kids love to take responsibility. So, like you know, it's amazing how we can turn things around to make it more positive, but again, the toxic is positivity. He's like you're going to say I'm going to be happy every time. You have to be smiling every minute of the day. Well, come on. 

23:33 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Not real. 

23:34 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Really Right, let's be, let's be kind to ourselves. Again, personally, considerate not putting excessive pressure on ourselves, right? Once you put pressure on yourselves, that's when the frustration happens, that's when the anxiety happens. We do it to ourselves. I mean honestly. Many times the things that we suffer are self-induced. 

23:59 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I mean speaking to my brain right now, cause here I am, like trying to build this podcast and trying to build my potty training business, and lately it's been that negative self talk, like you're not making enough money, like should you have quit your job, and it just like constant, constant, constant, instead of looking at look at how far you've come in two years. Like look at, look at people are reaching out to you and you are being successful. Maybe not where I want to be yet, but it doesn't mean it's not coming. So I yes, I need to stop and rethink those negative thoughts a little bit. 

24:30 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Right and also give praise to yourself. You know, even make a list. I find I post lists on the refrigerator, on my bathroom mirror, wherever just actually saying all the positive things about myself. That's when in the book there's the start. Now it's all about. It's just very quick. On each double page is just doing nice things for yourself, things for yourself, avoiding the problems before they actually take hold, anticipating, not not worrying about it incessantly, because that we should not do, we should not worry. I read a study, katie, that 91%. This one study, there's other studies, but it's all a high percentage. 91% of the things we worry about never happen. 

25:22 - Katie Fenske (Host)
So I believe it, I Yep, I believe it. 

25:26 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
We're wasting valuable time going down a rabbit hole and that's everything in our lives. You worry about the kids, you worry about this, you worry about. Sometimes it's just better not to worry, because worry doesn't solve anything. What does it? It makes us more anxious, right where the anxiety and the stress starts to appear, and we need to learn to manage it. And the wonderful thing is, as humans we can, and knowing that certain things walking, exercise, smiling, laughing, even some foods actually yes, there's studies that foods may actually get those endorphins going, like dark chocolate, salmon oh, I'm in green greens, yeah, it's the science to back it up and doing nice things for other people, because that when you do a genuinely selfless not selfish, selfless act, it stimulates the brain's reward center, a specific part in the brain. So there's so many things okay. 

26:31 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Do you have a list of all these in your book? 

26:33 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
yeah, well, everything is. It's in the double pages. Nothing is overwhelming I love that everything is just. It's like. Each double page is a two minute read. You can sit and read it on the John when you have your peace, moms. 

26:50 - Katie Fenske (Host)
They don't leave me alone in the bathroom. I never have peace. It's in the morning, when they're still sleeping. That's because I cannot wait to get the hard copy of your book, cause I have the PDF and I was like this is great, I love it, but the hard copy I'm just going to sit on my my morning table where I do my journaling and that's going to be my my little morning thing, cause I can so see what you're saying, that I worry more about things that haven't happened than what is actually reality. And to stop myself from doing that, cause it's hard to just shut off your brain and be like, well, don't think that way, cause then it creeps up again and don't think that way. But I think you're right by saying positive things about yourself, by going outside, getting exercise, you can learn to turn that off. 

27:32 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Right, we just we're going to shift and we're going to give ourselves permission not to be so hard on ourselves when things go wrong or make a mistake. One of the double pages is lean into your intuition because, honestly, it does refine over time and you can avoid a lot of problems by listening to our inner guide. Because intuition, again, the science behind things, it's just the patterns, our brains, they seek patterns. So it's the patterns that we've done, the different things we've done over time, it's all this data. And then when our brains it's really so interesting actually see something that could happen, like a coffee cup we put it on the edge of a table, well, what's going to happen? It's probably going to knock over. Well, our brains remember that and they shoot out these neurochemicals which affects our thought process. And that's when it triggers that our intuition, that maybe we need to move that glass closer to the center of the table or in from the table so a child doesn't walk by and knock it over, we don't get mad at them. 

28:44
Oh, I'm a copy Exactly. So it's just really interesting what our brains do and how we can reshape our thoughts and learn to make life just easier for ourselves. We complicate things, we make it more easier for ourselves. We complicate things, we make it more difficult for ourselves. You listen to people on their deathbed. They say why did I make it so complicated? And we do. We tend to do that. 

29:12
I don't know why, but you know, because we have a lot of pressure and we put so much pressure on ourselves to be especially women and mothers, we put a lot, much pressure on ourselves, especially women and mothers. 

29:24
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make sure everything is perfect. It's never going to be perfect, but the most important thing is to be present in the moment, enjoy the moment. Stop thinking of all the other things that you need to do, and be present in the moment and enjoy the moment Because, honestly, that's what's so important that we have wonderful memories and we're creating memories for our children as well. 

29:58 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Well, that answered my next question perfectly is how do you shift your mindset and help moms feel more joy and less guilt, being more present and just letting things be? And you know, I'm not going to worry that the dishes are overflowing, I'm not going to worry about this, they're going to be there, they're still there. I'm not going to worry that my house looks like this or my kids are behaving like this. It's, you know, be in the moment. 

30:23 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
And enjoy it, because you can find fun in anything if you look for the fun in that moment and it's only going to help us and that's really it. We have to take the reins and do things that are going to make us feel good, because once we feel good we're better for all those people that are around us our families, our friends, whatever. When we're caught in the worry cycle and the circular thinking and just feeling we don't measure up up and we do measure up, I will say we all do. That's when we're not present in the moment. We're worrying about all those crazy things that probably are never going to happen and we lose sight of the joy that we can find in life. 

31:16
And joy doesn't mean spending a lot of money going to Disney. We could have a picnic and be present and do relay games and everything that could cost nothing. There's so many ways to just find the joy in the simple things, and that's what this chapter of my life is about is finding the joy in the simple things. You don't have to spend a lot of money, you don't have to put a lot of pressure on yourself, but you have to be present in the moment and be grateful, because gratitude will also make you feel so much better. 

31:51 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Right, right Now, you call yourself a ray of sunshine. How do you maintain that positive energy, even when days are hard? Because you probably do have some days are hard. It's not like everything's going to be perfect. How do you? 

32:05 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
perspective that's my favorite word perspective, putting things into context and actually saying I'm realistic and I think that's what it is. I think life, we have to take a common sense approach to life and realize everything isn't going to be perfect every minute, but we are. We need to value ourselves and that's what I try to do is just try to make a party in my mind. Even if it's raining outside, I try to keep it sunny in my mind. I'm very conscious of that. I'm also very conscious about my life is my party and who I invite in is my choice and I am the kindest person. 

32:54
But if people are toxic, they are not invited in my life Because, unfortunately, when people are excessively negative and toxic, it's not going to change because people will not change. 

33:07
Just like I said on the subway platform, nothing changes unless we change. And if people don't want to change, well, it's just very difficult to have a lot of toxic or negativity in your life, because it's hard then to be positive and we owe it to ourselves to enjoy more and worry less, make life easier and the only way to do it is to be personally considerate and take charge of our lives and invite in who we can and yes, there's family members and everything, but we don't have to spend lots of time with them either, hopefully, because we need to find ways to enjoy our lives and to try to stay as positive as we can. It's important because once you feel positive, you make those positive patterns, you crave them, and that's what the wonderful thing about our brains liking patterns is you make one more positive, more positive, more positive, it gets easier. Even if you don't believe me, you can't discredit the strategy before you try it. Give it a try. It really works if you want it to work Right. 

34:18 - Katie Fenske (Host)
You're not on board. 

34:18 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
It's not going to work. 

34:20 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Yeah, okay, this makes me think of you're into the science of it. Have you heard of RAS, the reticulating activating system? 

34:28 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
in your brain. No, you'll teach me away. 

34:29 - Katie Fenske (Host)
So it's something where, if you tell your mind what's important, your mind seeks it out. So if you said like, wow, I saw a lot of red cars today, then you start seeing them, even though all the time you're normally seeing them, but your brain isn't trained to look for it. But then all of a sudden, sudden, when you're like red cars, you're like, oh, there's one, oh, there's one. So if you can train your brain to look for opportunities or things you're grateful for instead of the negative stuff, it starts coming into your life. So it's not like it's not already there, it's your brain is tuned in to find it now. So that's kind of what I think. There is something in your brain that does that. And I, when I heard about that, I was like, oh, my goodness, I'm. Look, I, I'm going to do that, cause I think, um, I was listening to the Mel Robbins podcast once and she said look for hearts, like you're on the lookout for hearts and I guarantee you're going to see hearts. 

35:26
And so that day I was kind of like, okay, let's see if I see a heart anywhere, cause you're telling your brain I'm, I am looking for hearts. My son was watching some Minecraft show and then all of a sudden it was just like hearts all over the screen. But like, had I not been looking for them, I it wouldn't have drawn my attention, I wouldn't have noticed it. So this is like I'm looking for positive things, I'm looking for the good in life and you'll find it for positive things. 

35:51 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
I'm looking for the good in life and you'll find it so research that because it's very interesting. Yes, I will, and that's really the best thing for this podcast is do that because, honestly, it's our perspective. It's what we're looking for to foster a wonderful, enjoyable life. Because it's our choice to do that and to have more days, fewer days don't suck Like. 

36:16 - Katie Fenske (Host)
You don't want to live your life miserable every single day. It is hard. It's hard being a mom with little kids, but if you can change your perspective, yeah, for sure. Okay, if someone is feeling stuck in a rut right now, what's one small action they can take to turn things around? 

36:32 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Well, I like to say, give yourself a hug. 

36:37
That's really important to love yourself but to really do it genuinely and to give yourself permission to change things up and value yourself, feel good about yourself, work on doing that and then decide what do you want to do in your life? I mean, we all have passions, purpose, things that we want to do, because when we have something for ourselves that we do, whether it makes money or it doesn't, that's your choice. But being able to do something that you enjoy doing makes us feel better, and I have something you could do with the kids. What you could do it, or you could do it with a group, is my gratitude collage. Oh, you can see it, but this is this is my gratitude collage. 

37:30
What you do is you take photographs of people you love in your life. You then take pages from magazines with words that are uplifting, like, well, you can even be, you are enough, or today's a good day, or whatever you find. And then places maybe you want to travel, or travel with the kids and you cut them out, even from greeting cards a son, whatever you have and you collage them together and you can either frame it or you can post it. It's like a vision board yes, love it, your attitude and it's like withdrawing a memory from your happiness bank, because when we look at this then it's sitting there for us, it gets the endorphins, the dopamine and serotonin triggering percolating and it actually makes us feel good. Because the science behind is when we look at upbeat colors, upbeat words, things that bring joy into our lives, happy memories, that makes us feel good. 

38:42
So if you're stuck, you can do something like that and then while you're doing this, don't dwell on negatives, but think about all the good in your life and what makes you happy, because even maybe there are things that you want to do, a passion project or something that involves your purpose in life. Everybody has something that gets their endorphins going and they are excited about doing, and I find many times when we're doing another activity, that's when the light bulb goes off. When we're focused too hard on it, it's hard to like think about it, but when? 

39:20
we're focused on other things, the thoughts start percolating and we just figure things out. And so if you're stuck, that's one thing I can say you can do to make yourself feel a little better. And then, while you're doing it, maybe some ideas will come to you that you would really like doing. And give it a try. But when you do it, do not put that excessive pressure on yourself, because that defeats the purpose. You have to do things that you love. You have to love what you do. You have to find a way to love what you do, and if you don't do it I know sometimes we work without gratification. But finding what we love to do and doing that, whether for our work or for activities, it's really, it's self-care, it's doing things that make you make us feel good, and when we feel good we do better. When we do better we're happier, our family's happier. 

40:19 - Katie Fenske (Host)
All of us. Yes, well, I can tell you, love what you do. That, just like, comes across so easily. Can you tell us where we find you and where we find your book? 

40:33 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Yes, well, I am at and you can contact me whenever I'm at the dailydecisionswithanscom and if you go to the dailydecisions decisionswithanscom forward slash inspire, you can join my Positive Energy Club. It's free, complimentary, as they say, to sound nicer. And also, once you do, you can download three worksheets a happiness worksheet, a motivation worksheet and it's just simple ideas and the feel good activity worksheet. I gave you one feel good activity, but I have many and and I'm always building on them and it's it can be either a standalone or it's a companion to the book. Six steps to fewer days that suck, and when Katie does air this, it will be on Amazon and at some bookstores and you could also contact me as if you'd like to and if you like the book, I'd be thrilled if you'd write a nice review and I'm excited that that it can actually help people. 

41:45
My real reason for doing it and putting the energy that it took to actually get it done in a professional way is because I want to help people get unstuck. I really do. I understand, I have a lot of empathy and I understand how life can be very challenging, especially when you're raising a family and you have a job and you have, maybe family members that aren't so pleasant, and there's a lot of things that cycle in that we have to learn to manage, but most of all, we need to value ourselves and love ourselves, so I would love to be in touch. 

42:23 - Katie Fenske (Host)
I love it. Okay, I'm putting all the information in the show notes so that everyone can find you. 

42:28 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Thank you so much, Katie. This has been a joy chatting with you. You are such an inspiration. 

42:34 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Thank you. I don't think I've smiled more on any other podcast. I love it. Endorphins are going up. 

42:41 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Thank you, that's the whole point. I mean, that really is the point of having a community and not just a community, a supportive community that knows how to make you feel good. You do the same for them. Because, honestly, what's life about? Anyhow, why would we choose a life that's miserable when we could choose a life that's a lot of? 

43:03 - Katie Fenske (Host)
fun. Yes, so true, so true. Well, thank you so much for coming on. 

43:08 - Deborah Mallow (Guest)
Thank you, katie. It's been so much fun. And if everybody can wrap this up with, everybody gives themselves a hug and says I love myself, and that's not being that's not. That's still being humble. But if you love yourself, you're good for everybody else and your families and your children, because you value yourself and you value them. Self-respect being personally considerate, is very important. 

43:35 - Katie Fenske (Host)
Love it. Thank you. Special thanks to Debra for coming onto the show and bringing so much positivity and light, because some days we really need that. So I think you got a lot out of this conversation. Make sure to check out her book. I have it linked in the description below if you want to get your own copy and don't forget today's sponsor, cozy Earth you can get a 40% off discount using the code word pancakes, and I'm telling you you're going to want to run and get these. I love the sheets. All right, until next week's conversation. I want to remind everyone that everyone burns the first pancake, so just keep flipping.