123. Let’s Talk About Sex (After Kids): Finding Intimacy Again in Parenthood with Dr. Rebecca Eudy

Parenting changes everything, our schedules, our priorities, our bodies… and yes, our relationships. Many couples assume that losing intimacy is just part of the deal after kids, but this week’s guest, Dr. Rebecca Eudy, says it doesn’t have to be.

Dr. Eudy is a licensed mental health counselor, certified sex therapist, and author of the upcoming book Parents in Love: A Guide to Great Sex After Kids. With warmth, humor, and over a decade of clinical experience, she helps parents navigate the emotional and physical challenges that come with staying connected in the midst of family life.

In this episode, we dive into:
 💬 Why libido often dips after kids and how to revive it
 ❤️ The biggest myths about sex and parenthood (and why they keep couples stuck)
 🔥 What it means to become “intimate and erotic allies” with your partner
 🧩 How to repair emotional disconnection and rebuild trust
 🌙 Simple, realistic ways to prioritize intimacy even when you’re exhausted

Whether your relationship feels stuck in survival mode or you just want to bring back a little spark, this conversation is full of hope, honesty, and doable takeaways for parents in any season.

Connect with Dr. Rebecca Eudy:
📘 Her Book: Parents in Love: A Guide to Great Sex After Kids 

 🌐 Her Website: www.Rebeccaeudy.com

💬 Instagram: @rebeccahowardeudy

📺 Watch the episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOpw5ui4uxJHx0tLFVtpnfSkpObfc4d-K

You can find Katie at:
website: burntpancakes.com
YouTube: @burnt.pancakes
Instagram: @burntpancakeswithkatie
Email: katie@burntpancakes.com

🚽 Did you know Katie is also a Certified Potty Trainer? 🚽

☎️ Schedule a 1:1 chat today: Schedule Here
💻 Digital Potty Training Course HERE
📖 Potty Training E-Book HERE
🆓 FREE potty training resources HERE
Instagram: @itspottytime
Tiktok: @itspottytime_

Some episodes include affiliate links at no cost to you.

Transcript

00:10 - Katie  (Host)
Hello, hello and welcome back to the Burnt Pancakes podcast. 

00:14
I'm your host, Katie Fenske, and I'm reminding moms that everyone burns their first pancake. Today we're diving into a topic that a lot of parents struggle with but rarely talk about, and that is intimacy and sex after kids. Because, let's be honest, between the sleepless nights, snack crumbs in your bed and the constant mom, mom, mom and touching the romance can feel like something that belonged in your past life. So my guest today, dr Rebecca Udy, is here to change that. She's a licensed mental health counselor, a certified sex therapist and the author of her new book, parents in Love a guide to great sex after kids. With over a decade of experience, she helps parents navigate desire differences, emotional disconnection and the very real challenges that come with trying to keep love alive in the middle of busy family chaos. This conversation is going to be a little bit candid and encouraging, and it is packed with practical advice for any parents who want to feel close to their partner again, even if it has been a little while. Well, welcome to the podcast, rebecca. 

01:30 - Rebecca (Guest)
Thanks for having me. 

01:32 - Katie  (Host)
This is going to be a very intimate conversation, but I think this is one that a lot of us moms feel like we need to talk about. But it's kind of embarrassing to talk about this. So I'm happy that you're willing to be open about all of this with us. So before'm happy that you're willing to be open about all of this with us. So before we start getting into sex, can you introduce yourself? Let us know where you're from, how many kids you have and what you do. 

01:53 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, absolutely so. My name is Rebecca Udy. I am originally from the deep woods of New Hampshire, but now I'm in the Boston area. Oh, nice, and yeah, and so, and I'm a sex therapist and so you know, talking about this stuff, it's like I do it all day, every day, and so sometimes I forget that it is like a little bit embarrassing. Yeah, no, it's awkward for other people, but it doesn't make me feel awkward, you know, okay. 

02:19 - Katie  (Host)
That makes me feel better yeah. 

02:21 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will say the reason why I got into being a sex therapist is because I started working with couples and it was like I loved it. It's so dynamic. I love. It's like, oh, just the best working with couples. But I I didn't have a lot of training in talking to clients about sex, because in grad school and in undergrad it's like you have one class and it's like maybe like a developmental sexuality, like elective. 

02:56
So it's just like, left out of the training, entirely Interesting, yes, yes, it's like oh, okay, doesn't that say something about how like uncomfortable it is for people to talk about? Absolutely yes. And so, you know, I was comfortable talking about sex with my friends, but when it came to talking about it with clients, I was like didn't quite know how to do it. And so, of course, when I don't quite know how to do something, I go and get training and learn about it and get interested in it, and so that's what led me into it is not actually, oh, I just love talking about sex. All the time I was like, oh, maybe I need some more training here. 

03:35 - Katie  (Host)
Oh, wow, because I can see a lot of people coming to you. That is a hard thing to bring up and talk about with another person. It is yeah. 

03:42 - Rebecca (Guest)
It is, yeah, it is, and you know actually part of what. Part of what's really important as a therapist is to be able to bring it up first to ask about it, because if you don't ask about it, we're not bringing it up. No, not, not for ages. 

04:00
Totally, totally, totally, so yeah. So now I'm, I have a private practice. I work only with couples, some, you know, I don't only do sex therapy, I do, you know, general couples work, but I do specialize in therapy. I have a PhD in clinical sexology, which is like the clinical sex therapy degree, and I've just written a book which I think we'll talk about. 

04:26 - Katie  (Host)
Yes, yes, okay, and you're also a mom yourself, so you have two boys, and how old are they? 

04:33 - Rebecca (Guest)
So I have a nine-year-old and an 11-year-old. They're in fourth and fifth grade. 

04:39 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, and before we were getting on, we were talking about the joys of raising these boys. 

04:44 - Rebecca (Guest)
They're like wild animals and also the sweetest ever. 

04:47 - Katie  (Host)
So so much, yeah, love them to death and they drive me absolutely crazy. Okay, so did you become a sex therapist before you were a mom, or did like you? Going through this with your own kids and your own relationship did that kind of bring you to this point? 

05:07 - Rebecca (Guest)
So before I had kids I actually worked with kids. So I worked in a lot of different levels of care. So I started out my career working in inpatient and impartial with pretty severe mental illness and I got pretty burnt out doing that because it's very intense work. 

05:22 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, very emotional, absolutely. But I learned so much. I mean, it's very intense work, very emotional, and so then, after absolutely, but I learned so much. 

05:28 - Rebecca (Guest)
I mean it's like once you do that, you can do anything you know it's like woo all right. So then I ended up. I started working with kids. I was a middle school guidance counselor for four or five years, yes, so that was very interesting. Very, you didn't pay me enough to go back to middle school, but so I would never. 

05:48 - Katie  (Host)
I taught for a long time, for 17 years, and I'm like that's one age I could not do. 

05:54 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, but I really enjoyed working with them as a guidance counselor. I mean it was very interesting. It's so painful. 

06:00 - Katie  (Host)
So embarrassing all of the things. That's an awkward time for kids. 

06:05 - Rebecca (Guest)
So awkward, so awkward. So I found that to be very meaningful. I really enjoyed it. But then when I had my first son, um, you know, I, I, I really didn't find that I enjoyed working with kids quite as much after I had my own it felt like I was kind of being split a little bit. 

06:23
Yep, and so then I actually stayed home with my kids for a little bit. They're only 19 months apart. So it happened, you know, sort of boom boom, and so I was home full time for two years and then I went back and I worked with college age kids for a number of years. And so then, coming into private practice, I started working with couples pretty like pretty quickly after coming into private practice. That was about five years ago six years ago. 

06:54
And ever since then I sort of haven't looked back. It feels like you know, working with a couple, working with the relationship, you're also working with the family which feels really meaningful, and then I also just find it to be really, really interesting. 

07:10
So the work of this book and the work of being a sex therapist, I think, really grew out of my clinical practice and also my own experience of knowing how difficult it is to stay connected to your partner once you have kids. Kids just fundamentally change everything. So it's a real challenge and it's one that just keeps coming back over and over again. You know it's like you don't just tackle it once and then done. So that's sort of what led me into this particular book. 

07:48 - Katie  (Host)
Awesome. So you believe that maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship is one of the best gifts that parents can give their children? Can you elaborate on that? 

07:58 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah. So I want to be really clear. I think that the I think that you know parents who are single parents or parents who are divorced parents they are doing for their children. They're still providing a happy, healthy home, giving a mirroring sort of like the words escaping me, like the model maybe. 

08:31
Thank you, Okay, it's a very simple one. That's a good one. The model of this relationship you know it's really important I like to think about, like, if we think about the relationship in the household, not only the relationship between the parents, but also the relationship of everybody in the household that's the emotional home that children grow up in. 

08:53
And so if the connection between partners is strong and well-tended, then that's also helpful. To have that emotional home be strong, then that's also helpful to have that emotional home be strong, that foundation be strong, and it contributes to having a well-regulated nervous system. 

09:10
I mean, I don't know about you, but if my husband and I are like not getting along, if we're like bickering or something, the kids are just like everyone senses it everyone senses it and they start acting out and they're having a tough time, and so I really think that you know the proof is kind of in the pudding there that it's like, yes, when you're getting along, when everything's moving smoothly, when you're tending your bond, then it makes the rest of the household, because for people who have a monogamous relationship the sex is something that you're only doing with your partner, and so, then, that's an important part of the relationship, if you both agree that it is. 

09:59 - Katie  (Host)
Okay, what happens then? If you are parents, you're busy. Okay, what happens then? If you are parents, you're busy, like new parents who have a new baby, barely sleeping and sex is like put on the back burner. How do you help parents who are like I'm just too tired or like I've been nursing my baby all day long. I don't want anyone else touching my boobs today, Like how do you help those new parents? 

10:21 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, totally Okay. So there's this period of time that I call the do no harm period, which is really definitely at least a year but, probably more like two or slash until everybody's sleeping and you're not breastfeeding anymore. 

10:39 - Katie  (Host)
You have two years and then you have another child and it's like correct, Keep going. 

10:44 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, that's right. So this, this do no harm period is after each child, okay, and so it can go on for a while, depending on how many kids you have and how close they are together. You may find yourself in this period of time for a long time, but during this period of time nobody's thriving. We're like sometimes feeling like barely surviving, because if you're not sleeping, that already puts you into a highly sensitive like nervous system state where you're going to be more dysregulated. Your emotions, physical health, wellness, all of this sort of suffers. 

11:20
And so, yeah, the relationship, and certainly the sexual relationship, may really feel like it's put on the back burner for a pretty long period of time, which can be difficult to tolerate. But this is a really different period of time because often there's hormones on board and because the family is adjusting to this new child. There's all kinds of attachment stuff that's happening with the kid, with the baby. They're so high. The parenting during that period of time is so high intensity that we really need to take that period of time and set it aside. It's not like any other period of time with parenting. 

12:02 - Katie  (Host)
Right, right, give it some grace. 

12:06 - Rebecca (Guest)
Give it some grace. That's the do. No harm is like okay, so I'm not, I'm surviving, you're surviving, don't? I want some grace, don't? I want someone to look at me and say, oh, maybe that wasn't your best moment, but you know what? Right? You're doing the best you can in this imperfect moment, and so really giving each other a lot of grace, knowing that you're going to miss each other during this time, both like in terms of missing each other, misattuning to each other, but also it's normal to miss what you had together. 

12:36
Oh, totally During this time as well. 

12:39 - Katie  (Host)
I feel like that was the biggest change when I went from zero to one kid was just that feeling of like we aren't the same anymore. We don't get to do what we used to do. We're like our life was totally tossed over and I'm like we can't just like go out to dinner anymore. We've got a little baby with us. That was a hard adjustment and I felt like I was not very good at telling my husband like this is how I'm feeling, like I'm feeling very like different in our new phase of life. It was hard. So how do you get parents to like communicate, that Like we could go while not having sex, because neither of us are saying hey, you know what? 

13:20
Like this might be important, but I'm not saying anything. You're not saying anything Like how do you get parents to communicate their needs? 

13:27 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah. So I like to ask you know people focusing on these, the micro moments first? So, as opposed to thinking like, okay, we really should have sex tonight you know it's been a really long time how are we going to find the time? You know, maybe one or both people is like sort of not into it. It feels hard to get there Focus on like the micro moments, like that real hug, you know, in the middle of chaos, where you like actually lean into the hug, take some deep breaths like a kiss, that goes on for a little bit longer than just a peck, or like even just meeting eyes across this like absolute chaos, and like smiling or saying I love our life, I love our kids, but, man, I miss you. 

14:20 - Katie  (Host)
I love the micro moments. I love that. 

14:23 - Rebecca (Guest)
I wrote that down I remember that. 

14:25 - Katie  (Host)
And two, to like, show your kids that because, like part of me sometimes thinks like I want my boys, since we don't have sisters. You know I want them to see like how a wife can treat a husband. You know, like I, he comes home from work and I love to say like, oh gosh, boys say hi to daddy's been working so hard. Like aren't we so glad he's home now, just to kind of show him you know we care about you. But I love that, that little micro moments. It doesn't always have to be like I'm fulfilling you sexually all the time. It's like I can give you a nice hug while we're making dinner and that's, you know one little check in the box. 

15:06 - Rebecca (Guest)
And you know that micro, that that moment that you just talked about, like when someone walks in the front door, that can be a really important time, because a lot of times, you know, when you in the world comes in, oftentimes there's like a ton of chaos at home. 

15:19 - Katie  (Host)
Oh wait, you should be very chaotic, and they're ready to just decompress and you're like there's no decompressing in this house, no decompressing in this house. 

15:27 - Rebecca (Guest)
No, I need you to actually hit the ground running and like get in here and help, and so that's an important message for them. Like hey, listen, I know you've had a busy day. I've had a busy day too. My day's not over, and neither is yours. I need your help. I need you to jump in here and like get your hands dirty with me. 

15:44
So, that's part of showing up and feeling appreciated and supported, but the other piece of that is actually reminding yourself to take that moment and put down whatever it is. If you're on the phone, you know unless you're like making a pediatrician appointment or if it's like something that you know it's like you're on the phone with insurance and you've been on hold for 45 minutes. 

16:08
But like, hang up. If you're talking on the phone, tell your kid, just wait a second. I'm going to go say hi. You know, turn off the stove if you're cooking something, turn off the water if you're washing dishes, and actually go over and greet your partner, like you mean it. Because those moments, what those micro moments do, is that they tell us and tell our nervous systems I see you, I appreciate you. 

16:36
Because, so often, what happens is we get into this like battle of like I'm working hard, while I'm working hard, I'm working harder, I'm not appreciated, while I'm not appreciated, and so it's like this game of like who's got more to prove, kind of one up you on how much harder things are for me. Totally, and it's understandable why that happens. 

17:22 - Katie  (Host)
Totally, and it's understandable why that happens. But it's important to that, that feeling of like, oh, their plates. And I am like I do so much, like I have thought about it. Sometimes I'm like if anything happened to me, my husband wouldn't even know how to register for the kids for school or what to do. You know there's so much. 

17:34
So, yes, am I the default parent in one sense. But what I don't like is where we start making an excuse or like one-upping. I work harder than you because I make the dentist appointments and I make this instead of just going. That's something I'm choosing to do. I am taking on that role as the mom and if I do need help, I can absolutely ask my husband because I know he would. He would help me if I asked. Um, but that just a little bit of appreciation for your husband going, I'm taking all this on and he's taking on a lot too, but not making it a competition, you know like. So I don't know. I I understand the default parent thing, but I also feel like if we can just come together as a team and just say, hey, we're both doing a lot and if you need help I'll help you and if I need help. I'll ask for help, but I don't know. 

18:28 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, no, I thought that was always a hot topic that I'm like. 

18:30 - Katie  (Host)
What do I even bring this up? 

18:32 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah Well. So the mental load is huge and I think that the mental load, especially for that default parent, which a lot of times is mom, does really prevent a lot of those primary parents from being able to access their own desire and their own sexuality. And so you know, mom, hat is not sexy. You know you're unshowered and you're covered in spit up or you're like I mean, it's not sexy, you know it's just not. 

19:02 - Katie  (Host)
It's not. 

19:03 - Rebecca (Guest)
It's not, and so just even feeling like a caretaker is not sexy. We don't. You know if caretaking is sexy. We've like gotten some wires crossed Like it's just not, it's not supposed to be. 

19:16 - Katie  (Host)
No, At the time I felt like a milkmaid, like oh my God, I'm covered in this, Like totally yeah. 

19:22 - Rebecca (Guest)
Totally, absolutely. And even now, it's like when my kids are even a little bit older, it's like half the time I feel like the emotional dumpster, like everybody's just like coming in and telling me I'm not doing it good enough. And you know, oh, you made that for dinner Gross, yeah, it's just, you know, like it's hard. 

19:40
Constantly, Constantly. And then I think that there's the other thing where, you know, I've heard, like the non-primary parent at times say especially like around the summer, when things get really crazy and there's all of these camps say like, oh, I feel like an Uber driver and I'm like I would pay good money to feel like an Uber driver, like someone else plugs in that address and I just get to drive somewhere. 

20:04
Doesn't that sound like? So that mental load, that running list that a lot of moms hold in their head, is really a barrier to being able to get into a situation where they're even open to being sexual, get into a situation where they're even open to being sexual, and so a lot of times, sex gets put on this like checklist of everything else that needs to get done, and it's not coming from a place of actually wanting it for yourself. 

20:31
It's more fulfilling a partner's need and that really does kill desire, you know, over time, like, understandably, it's not that sexy Right. It's just a box you're checking Exactly. But the reason why I talk about the micro moments outside the bedroom is because feeling appreciated makes working hard worth it. 

20:58
It makes it feel like you're on the same team like you're in it together and part of what feeling appreciated is is like picking up the slack, like, wow, you've had a really hard day. I'm gonna I'm gonna jump in here and help this with you. Know you with this or you know a really long day at work. Like come on in and just like it's okay. Or you know you're sick, go to bed early. I've got this like giving each other a break, giving each other a little bit of grace. That all grows from feeling wanted and appreciated. Right, and even if the desire piece feels still challenging, feeling wanted and appreciated and feeling like you're on the same team is connecting and that helps to get to the place where you can also be sort of allies in figuring out how do you get to the place where sex doesn't feel like a chore. 

21:57 - Katie  (Host)
Right, Right. I love that you talk about, um, your allies in this, like you're working together, yeah, yeah, Cause sometimes it feels like it is a checklist. You know, I've just this is something I gotta do, you know. But knowing that like we're working on this together, Um, what advice do you have for couples who are like busy? Like, as our kids got older, our evenings are getting much busier, Like we don't get home from football till nine 30 at night. So the kids like really aren't. I mean the 11 year old, he by 11 o'clock I'm still like, stop making noise, go to sleep. Like it's now 11 o'clock and that's pretty late for us. So what do you do when your kids are older and it's like we don't have the hours in the day anymore? 

22:47 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah Well, I hear this from parents a lot and they're like how do we make the time? We're so busy, and so I ask people it's not really about making time, it's about protecting the time that you have and looking at what the priorities are. And you know, the way that we parent and the way that we expect that we should parent, the way that we see the people around us and our friends and our kids' friends be parented, is this way that you know that kids are playing multiple sports a season and they're not just on the town team, they're on the town team and the travel team and they're driving all over the place and we want to do all the things for our kids all the time. 

23:34
There was a study that showed that stay-at-home moms in the 70s spent less time with their kids than full-time working parents do now with their kids. What, so you have a full-time working parent, a working mom. She's spending more time with her kids than a stay-at-home mom in the 70s did. 

24:01 - Katie  (Host)
Wow. But in a way it kind of makes sense because we feel like now, as modern parents, I have to be giving those experiences and doing this and playing with them and they can't just be out playing by themselves. We have to be entertaining them. 

24:17 - Rebecca (Guest)
Absolutely. We feel like we have to be entertaining them. We don't let them out, which there's a whole ton of research about what that does to our kids to parent them that way in terms of anxiety and stuff like that. So that's sort of emerging that research. So it's arguable how good this is for kids. But not only that, but there is also we're in a position as parents where there's some reality to that Like, for instance, I think about you know, I have, I have boys as well and you know if they weren't playing sports. Now, you know when I was growing up, you just pick up a sport in high school and it's no, big deal. 

24:58
But now there's this really like specialized early. There's this skill-based thing. So there is something about the pressure that we feel as parents to conform and to be with the social norms. So parents are under a lot of pressure. So, looking at what your priorities are, and so if the reality of your life is that nobody's getting to bed until 11 o'clock, the last thing that you're going to want to do, after telling your child 50 million times that they need to go to bed and driving all over the place, is have sex. Not to mention the fact that what if they're not actually asleep and they're popping? 

25:35 - Katie  (Host)
in and out of your room as they get older. That is a problem too. I'm like we have to lock the door now. 

25:41 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yes, so there's creative solutions. The nighttime is not always the right time for parents, you know especially with people like yeah like, especially with people working from home. 

25:52
Like you know, nap time is a great time People tend to have. Parents tend to have a little bit more bandwidth. You know, maybe a lunch time when the kids are at school, so getting creative about actually when you can carve out the time. But even more than that, deciding together that it's important and protecting it, and that might mean that the kids have a little bit more screen time. 

26:18
Or you decide together that the kids are only going to do one sport per season or that you're going to make less commitments at work or do less on the weekends, so that you can actually preserve the time together that your relationship needs? 

26:34 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, actually, I think the youngest one started kindergarten. That was nice, that's nice. That's nice, yes, because I got home from drop-off and I'm like, oh, you're still home. You haven't left for work yet. Wow, this is the time of day that we didn't used to have. Yeah, which makes it more fun now, because it's like, ooh, something new and exciting. 

26:55 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, it's a little naughty, it's like, oh, the middle of the day, yes, exciting. Yeah, it's a little naughty, you know, it's like, oh, the middle of the day, yes, but the you know, the thing that also happens I think it's really important to acknowledge is you know, this may not be the case for everybody, but for most people that I know, and certainly most moms, by the end of the day, their nervous system is shite, totally fried. We are deep into shutdown mode, and so you really probably at best want to like watch a little Netflix or like scroll on your phone and then like pass out. And so the idea of having to to like connect and like move your body and like take off clothes, especially as we get into the colder months, I'm already in my comfy clothes. 

27:42
Yeah, like come on, like not a chance. And so that's a really good cue. Like, if you're noticing that after bedtime, like, your nervous system tends to just be like nosedive, that's going to be a time that it's really hard to transition into being sexual with your partner. You may need even more runway at that time. So if it's not realistic to try to carve out time during the day when the nervous system may be in a little bit of a better state already, then something like okay, you shuttle the kids to sports, I'm going to, you know, be at home, I'm going to take a shower, I'm going to like sort of recharge. Or you put the kids to bed tonight if we want to have sex and I'm going to use that 30 minutes. Or, you know, you go downstairs and clean up the kitchen while I'm, you know, sort of getting myself into the right headspace which means like sort of taking off that mom hat and figuring out. 

28:47
you know, some people that I've worked with have found, like you know, putting on like sexy lingerie I mean I don't know if I have any of that left anymore, but like getting some putting that on. Yeah, I know, like shaving your legs, washing your hair, doing those things, that might feel a little bit more like human, a little more sexy, a little bit less just like someone's mom, like wife versus mom. Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly. 

29:15 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, Okay, what about? So this is something that, like I went through. My body changed a lot after having kids and I know people say, oh, your body's beautiful, it did so much magic, but I'm still like, ah, I really want my 20 year old body back. That felt sexy. This. Having three kids and a C-section and nursing them doesn't feel as sexy anymore. So how do women um get back their body positivity after having kids? 

29:42 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, it's a great question and I think it's hard. I think some of it is actually grieving the body, your, the 20 year old body. This happens also, I think, in perimetopause that was like the next thing. 

29:55 - Katie  (Host)
On the next thing yes, yes, our 40s now and yeah, things don't look the same. 

30:01 - Rebecca (Guest)
They don't, they don't, and I think that there's some grief there. I think that that's, and it's okay that there's grief there, um, but I I find that anything that makes that you can do in your body, that makes you feel strong, that you can appreciate what your body can do, and then ways that you can access feeling sexy and, to be honest, that literally may be like I feel more sexy when we have sex with the lights off, like that's fine. 

30:35 - Katie  (Host)
Right, you know like it's okay. 

30:37 - Rebecca (Guest)
Whatever it is that makes, um, somebody feel sort of more in touch with their own self and their own sexuality. Um, there's no wrong answer there, but I think that that's the reality. It's like the grief. We might not go back to the 20-year-old life but, if you could bring the 20-year-old body into the 40-year-old life, people might choose to do that. Yeah, I like that you brought up that. 

31:03 - Katie  (Host)
You just grieve it, because that's kind of how I feel. Like, oh man, I missed that and I don't know how to tell my husband, like, like, I'm still attracted to you, but I worry that, like, oh, I don't look the same. Like you know you don't want to talk to him about it. Like I look awful, so yeah. 

31:22 - Rebecca (Guest)
Well, I think it's. It's a hard thing to talk about because, it can sound like insecure and sometimes it feels insecure. Yeah, it feels insecure and so it's hard to talk about and I think that a lot of times the reassurance certainly can help from your partner. But I work with many people whose partners are like your body is so beautiful, I just want to stare at your body all day, Like this is so amazing. 

31:48
And they're like seriously, you do, because I tell yeah, like I'm not down and also that doesn't sound sexy, like I'm not down for that, you know, and so it has to come from within, and I think that a lot of times, you know, women get a lot of messages about how they should look and what's sexy and what's not sexy, and so really going with what feels right in your body, what feels strong, what feels sexy, and not having that be right or wrong or good or bad, yeah, or just turn the lights down a little bit. 

32:23
And be practical. Like we're nothing. If not practical, Just turn the lights down. Nobody needs to be having lights on Like if that's not your thing it's fine. 

32:32 - Katie  (Host)
You don't need to squeeze into sexy lingerie if it does not feel good. 

32:35 - Rebecca (Guest)
Definitely not. And if it feels good, and if it does it for you, go for it. Yes, exactly. 

32:40 - Katie  (Host)
Yes, okay, um, let's switch a little bit, since you have boys and they're kind of at that age. How have you talked to your boys about sex, or have you like? How would you address that? 

32:54 - Rebecca (Guest)
I have, um, they don't want to talk about it. 

32:58 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, shockingly, my oldest actually was asking for us to tell him. So it was like okay, and it was very awkward for all involved. But he was curious enough that we were like, okay, we're going to talk about it. And he was like, oh, this is so weird, this is so gross. I was like okay, but I'm glad you asked for it, yeah. 

33:22 - Rebecca (Guest)
So I think that where parents can go wrong is that they think that they have to have a conversation, okay, and usually parents wait too long. They're like we're going to have the birds and the bees talk, and we're going to do it when they get to this age and usually by the time you have the talk they've already heard. 

33:38 - Katie  (Host)
They've already heard. It was very obvious that my son is like okay, yes, you're just confirming what I was being told. 

33:47 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, so if you have a kid who's curious, who wants to talk about it, I mean, the best thing that you can do is to try to talk about it as matter of factly as possible and just answer the question. So if you have a kid who says where do babies come from, you can say, oh well, you know babies when you were, you know you grew in mommy's belly or babies are you know? This is how babies are made Like. Literally, just answer the question and they're just like okay, exactly. And so what we do as parents is we panic and we think we have to give them the whole thing. 

34:23
Oh my God. They're going to ask how did the baby get into the mommy's belly and whatever? And it's like, no, they're not. Their mind hasn't gone there yet, yeah. And so we tense up and we act like it's a big deal. And then they're like, oh shit, that was weird. I'm not asking that again right, right so if you can just matter-of-factly answer the question and then move on, okay, and then then they'll be more likely to ask again because, it's not just one conversation. 

34:50
You want to foster an environment where they can come to you and they have resources that they could come and talk to you and they could just ask you a question and that's cool and then you can talk about it or not. The other thing that I've done with my kids which I found to be very helpful our pediatrician recommended it. There's a series of books. It's called it's Not the Stork. I can send you the link so you can put it in Okay. 

35:17
And they have it age appropriately. You know, I think the first one is like for like five, about five years old, and it's like about bodies and differences between bodies. About five years old and it's like about bodies and differences between bodies. And then, as they get older, they have like more information, like about puberty and that kind of stuff, and so we have a ton of books. I mean, as you would imagine, as a sex therapist I've got like a lot of books. 

35:40
So there's a deep library that my sons will have access to at some point, but I have cultivated a library like a body book, a puberty book, you know, some different like age appropriate books that they can go to and actually a lot of times like not so much anymore, but when they were like a little bit younger, like about a year ago, there was a lot of like whenever they had friends over they'd be like in their room giggling and looking at the books. I'm like texting my friends. I'm sorry. I think your kids might've just found out what sex is at my house, whoopsies, sorry, but just to have those resources as well. If they don't want to actually ask that. 

36:23 - Katie  (Host)
They know that you have given that to them and that it's in the house, right, because I know my boys are probably curious about what girls look like because they don't have a sister. So, knowing that there's maybe like age appropriate drawings or you know, so they're not looking that up on the internet because we don't want them searching that on their own, just how you said that they'll keep asking questions. It happened the other night where my oldest son he just walked into the living room as he was supposed to be going to bed. He's like hey, what's a virgin? And my husband and I was like deer in the headlights at first and I was like okay, katie, even though this is like so hard for me to talk about. 

37:03
Like I grew up just like not ever wanting to ask my mom. She was always like I'm here for you if you have any questions, but I just was so afraid to ask her anything. So here I am trying to like play it cool. And I was just like I think my husband was looking at me like what do we say? What do we say? And I'm like, oh, it's just someone who hasn't had sex yet. And he's like okay, and I'm like okay, and then go off to bed. But it was like one of those like, okay, katie, like play it cool, just answer his question. Let it go. Like you know, the wheels of my head were like ah, how do I answer this? 

37:36
Totally Sounds like you nailed it I had to get. It still is very hard for me, but I'm like just get really comfortable with it, cause I know there's more questions coming that are going to be even more awkward. But yeah, I'd rather him ask me than his buddies on the football team, totally, yeah, okay, let's get to your book, because, as of the time this podcast comes out, it came out this week, so your book is coming out October 21st. Parents in Love. Tell us, just like a little blurb, about what's in it and where we can find it. 

38:09 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yeah, so you can find it anywhere. Books are sold on Amazon or your local bookshop or whatever. So it is a book about, so it is written for, parents, and I thought it was important to write this book. There's some books about sex, like immediately postpartum, you know it's like the first year, how to get your sex back. 

38:33
And then there's like some couples therapy books that have like a little piece about parents. You know it's like a chapter or whatever. Okay, but this parents face these very unique challenges because it's very common in long-term relationships that there's a difference in desire, so one person has a higher desire than the other and this can cause a lot of tension. It's the most common reason why couples come into sex therapy and in parenthood, the chances that you're going to have this difference in desire even higher and especially be like at 1.1, and then it like flips where the other yes, okay. 

39:17
Yep. 

39:18 - Katie  (Host)
Okay. 

39:18 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yes, it can be, and that's not uncommon that that would happen. You know there's a lot of different things that influence desire relational factors, hormonal factors like lifestyle, all kinds of stuff that influences desire. So it definitely can be. You know there can be for sure a switch there. But so the book is basically about how to manage a difference in desire in a long term relationship, a difference in desire in a long-term relationship and especially for parents normalizing that there are contributing factors that make this even more challenging. 

40:10
Yeah, I love it. I love it. So, getting your book, do you see more women reading it or men? I think realistically it's going to be more women, because women are readers and women carry a lot of the mental load of the relationship. They're more likely. Just statistically it's more likely. But the book is actually written for a couple, so there's sections for the high desire partner, there's sections for the low desire partner, there's sections for the couple on how they can work together, because ultimately the high it's a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner, and so a lot of times the thing that brings couples into couples therapy is that the high desire partner, the low desire partner may come in and say I think I'm broken, like I never want to have sex again. What is wrong with me? It's causing all kinds of issues in my relationship, fix me. Or the high desire partner may get so grumpy and upset about the fact that they're not having sex and they're not getting their needs met in their relationship and all of this stuff that they then are. 

41:08
The conflict is so big that it brings the couples in. So it's the conflict that is the marker of the desire difference. It's not actually that one person's desire is right or wrong or should be used as a benchmark. It's the difference in desire. That really is where the issue is. 

41:28 - Katie  (Host)
And the book tackles both. Like what could both? 

41:37 - Rebecca (Guest)
Correct, exactly, exactly, because a lot of times what happens is the high desire partner they've been initiating and they're exhausted and they're feeling rejected and they're feeling unwanted and all of the undesired and all of these like terrible feelings and they're. They've probably tried everything. 

41:51 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah. 

41:51 - Rebecca (Guest)
And the low desire partners, likely feeling like they can't do anything right, like they're broken. They may have a lot of resentment about feeling like they're not getting their needs met outside the bedroom and yet their partner really wants them to show up and just have sex and that that's sort of all they're wanted for, really wants them to show up and just have sex and that that's sort of all they're wanted for. There's all kinds of these dynamics that build resentment and so. But when one person is holding all of the initiation and they're always initiating you know it's like, if you think about even outside the bedroom, if one person is constantly saying can we do this, can we do this, you need to do this, you need to do that, they're holding all of the initiation energy around the things that need to happen and that's exhausting. All they want is their partner to actually take the initiative and anticipate or join them or even just ask them how can I help? 

42:41
And so the same thing can happen in the bedroom, is that it's really exhausting to be the person who's initiating all the time, and so what we need is more balance. 

42:52 - Katie  (Host)
Right, and I think too, just the understanding of like this is how I feel, this is how I feel, and we can find some common ground around it. Yeah. 

43:03 - Rebecca (Guest)
Correct? Yeah, absolutely, because nobody's right and nobody's wrong and you know you can really get into. Very rarely worked with a couple where intentional harm was caused. It's almost always the misattunement, that feeling misunderstood, feeling misrepresented, not understanding each other. Right, the feelings are real. The feelings of being hurt or being misunderstood, or not desired or not valued, those are real. But the intention is not to make the person feel that way. 

44:00 - Katie  (Host)
I love that. I love that and I just think this is so important to open up and talk about, because there's so many times where it just feels like I'll just push it away, I'll just push it away, we'll just keep going, and then you realize like man, it's been a really long time and we're not doing anything about this. So I love that. Number one you wrote the book and you're open to talking about it with all of us. 

44:19
So I appreciate that If we wanted to find you. Do you have any social media or website that we can look you up? 

44:26 - Rebecca (Guest)
Yes, absolutely so. My website's my name RebeccaYudicom and social media same thing. It's Rebecca Howard Yudi on Instagram. 

44:35 - Katie  (Host)
Yeah, love it, love it. Well, I'm going to link all of your socials, your book and all of us moms who are like we need to bring the spice back. We don't know how we're going to follow you, so thank you so much for coming on. 

44:47 - Rebecca (Guest)
Thanks so much for having me. 

44:49 - Katie  (Host)
I hope this very candid conversation with Dr Rebecca Udy reminded you that intimacy doesn't have to disappear after kids. It just looks a little different and that is totally fine. With the right mindset, a small intentional step, connection and passion, it could absolutely come back stronger than ever. If you've loved this episode, go give Dr Yudi a follow and keep an eye out for her new book Parents and Love. I'll make sure to link that below. And, as always, I want to remind you that everyone burns their first pancake, so just keep flipping.