151: Why "Good Enough Parenting" Is Actually Healthy

Do you ever feel like you’re failing at motherhood because you lose your patience, forget things, or can’t keep up with the pressure to “do it all”?

In this episode I'm talking about the idea of “good enough parenting”  and why your kids don’t actually need a perfect mom.

I sharesthe origin of the term coined by pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the surprising “30% rule” from attachment research, and why small parenting mistakes can actually help children build resilience, emotional regulation, and independence.

If you’ve been carrying the pressure to optimize every part of your child’s life while also feeling burned out and overwhelmed, this episode is the reminder you need:
 Connection matters more than perfection.

In this episode, we discuss:

•  What “good enough parenting” actually means 
•  Why kids benefit from imperfect parents 
•  The “30% rule” and attachment research 
•  Why repair matters more than perfection 
•  How over-parenting can hurt resilience 
•  Examples of healthy struggle for kids 
•  Letting go of mom guilt and unrealistic expectations 
•  Why your kids need a loving parent, not a flawless one

📺 Watch the episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOpw5ui4uxJHx0tLFVtpnfSkpObfc4d-K

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website: burntpancakes.com
YouTube: @burnt.pancakes
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Email: katie@burntpancakes.com

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Transcript

Hello, hello, and welcome back to the Burnt Pancakes Podcast. I'm your host, Katie Fenske, and each week I remind moms that everyone burns their first pancake.

Now, one message that I want to share on the podcast is that you do not have to be a perfect parent.

To raise healthy, secure, and happy kids. And honestly, I think a lot of us are exhausted trying to become some impossible version of motherhood that really doesn't even exist.

We live in a culture that tells moms that we should always be patient.

Always present, always emotionally regulated, always creating magical childhood memories, while also trying to keep up with the laundry, work, activities, healthy meals.

And apparently making bento box lunches shaped like zoo animals. Meanwhile, most of us are just trying to survive bedtime without losing our minds.

So today, I want to talk about an idea I heard about recently called Good Enough Parent.

We're going to dive into what it actually means, why research says it's actually healthy for our kids, and why letting go of perfection might be the one.

Best thing that we can do for ourselves and our children.

So, the phrase good enough parenting comes from a pediatrician and psychoanalyst named Donald Winnicott, all the way back in the 1950s.

Honestly, I love this, because even back then, before social media and parenting influencers and comparison culture, parents were already feeling pressure to get everything right. I'm sure that's not a new thing, it just feels amplified in today's world.

Wilcott's theory was basically this.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are responsive, loving, and emotionally available.

Most of the time. Not all the time. Most of the time.

And here's the really interesting part. He actually believed that small parenting mistakes.

are good for children. Let me repeat that. Parenting mistakes.

can be good for kids. Not huge harmful mistakes, obviously, but just normal human moments.

Because when kids experience small disappointments or frustrations and imperfect responses, they slowly learn how to cope with reality and become more independent.

Which will absolutely be an asset for them later in life. Honestly, this feels so opposite from the pressure many of us feel today.

So, I think a lot of moms today feel like we're not just raising children, we're managing a full-time child development.

project. There's been so much research done that sometimes we just don't even know where to start. Everything feels so high stakes, what they eat.

How they sleep, how much screen time to get, whether they're emotionally regulated, whether they're reading enough, whether they're in enough activities or too many activities, whether we're creating enough core memories.

Social media has turned parenting into this weird, like, performance thing.

You scroll for 5 minutes and suddenly feel like every other mom is calmly baking homemade muffins while teaching emotional intelligence through sensory bins.

Meanwhile, your kid is crying because you gave them the blue cup instead of the green, and you're eating chicken nuggets out of the car.

For dinner. Somewhere along the way, I think many moms started believing, if I mess up, I'm damaging my child. I know I have thought that.

But good enough parenting says something very different.

It says that connection matters more than perfection.

Okay, and this part honestly blew my mind when I first read about it. It's called the 30% rule.

And the 30% rule originated from research by Dr. Ed Trotnik.

And it was popularized by Circle of Security International, and it suggests that parents only need to.

Accurately understand the response of their child's emotional needs about 30% of the time.

To raise secure, healthy children.

Only 30%, which means even loving, healthy parents.

Are missing the cues, misunderstanding needs, or getting it wrong sometimes 70% of the time.

And somehow, the kids are going to turn out okay. Actually, not only are they okay, those little mishaps and repairs help children learn emotional resilience and self-soothing.

This is such a freeing thought, because I think of us.

Assuming good parent means never getting frustrated. It means never missing a cue. It means never having an off day.

But healthy parenting isn't about constantly being perfect, it's about reconnecting.

when there was a disconnect. That's the important part.

I think one of the healthiest things that kids can witness is repair, not perfection, but repair.

Katie Fenske

11:47:57

Because real-life relationships include misunderstanding, it includes frustration, and it includes mistakes.

Some of this might sound like a parent saying, oh, I got overwhelmed today, I'm sorry I raised my voice.

Or, having dad apologize for something.

Or maybe saying, why don't we both calm down and reconnect when we can talk about this together?

That teaches emotional safety.

Um, I've actually, absolutely had moments where I have snapped at my boys after hearing, mom, mom, mom.

4,000 times. And later, I've had to go back and say, I am so sorry, I just got a little frustrated when I was busy doing something and I kept hearing you yelling my name.

Learning to apologize to my kids has really been, like, a hard thing for me to do, but it's been a huge step.

It doesn't always come natural, because I think for me it's admitting I was wrong.

But honestly, like, if I want my kids to learn, then they need to actually see me doing this.

I thought about this for a moment, and I'm like, here we are, we tell our kids, say sorry when they do something wrong.

But honestly, like, just forcing my kid to say sorry, I don't think teaches them…

How to, like, mean an apology. You know, a lot of times you're like, you didn't mean it, but actually showing them when, like.

The other day when I got frustrated with Ronan. Later, I was like, you know what, I'm sorry I raised my voice, it just sometimes I…

get frustrated when I tell you to do something and you don't do it. So, I think.

me showing him how I apologize and the way he felt when I said that is probably better modeling than just, hey, go say sorry to your brother.

We're modeling accountability, and we're teaching our kids that relationships can survive hard moments. We can move on.

So, many times we tell our kids to say sorry, but they aren't really learning the true meaning until we model it for them.

Another big part of good enough parenting is allowing kids to experience manageable frustration.

So, not rescuing them from every hard feeling. And this is a tough one, because as moms.

We hate seeing our kids uncomfortable. But if we constantly remove every obstacle.

Solve every problem or prevent every disappointment. Kids never build resistance or executive functioning skills.

This is where terms like helicopter parenting or snowplow parenting come in.

Sometimes we accidentally over-parent because we love our kids so much. We clear away every obstacle before they can even reach it.

But struggle is actually a good thing, and it's not always harmful. Sometimes struggle is where kids actually grow.

kids learn confidence by doing things themselves, not by watching us do it for them, which is a hard thing to do. It's hard to just step back and watch them, you know, spill the beans everywhere, or um.

Like, not be able to put toys together. Sometimes being a good enough parent means sitting nearby where your child struggles with something instead of immediately fixing it.

I find myself, like, when I see my boys fighting, sometimes wanting to just jump in and like.

Be the referee and stop the fight, but I've had to kind of tell myself, like, see if they can work it out.

I mean, there's times when I do have to intervene, but…

I also want to see if they can build those skills of, like, conflict management.

Yes, it can be uncomfortable for us. Here are some examples of what this might look like. Letting your child try before helping them. So, your child is struggling to put their shoes on, or zip their jacket, or build something with blocks.

They're frustrated and asking for help immediately. Instead of jumping in right away, you sit nearby and encourage them. You might say, oh gosh, I know this is tricky, try one more time.

That small frustration helps build confidence, problem-solving skills, and perseverance that you're going to see as an asset when they get older.

Here's another example. Not rescuing them from social consequences, just those natural consequences.

Like, when your child forgets their homework, or doesn't study for a test, or is disappointed because they argued with a friend. Instead of fixing everything for them.

You allow them to experience the outcome while supporting them emotionally. So, you could say something like.

I know this feels disappointing. What do you think you could do next time? Um…

when my kids forget their lunch, they don't call me. They have to figure out, oh, well, now I'm gonna have to go to the school, like, the little school area, and get a school lunch today. Or, if I forget my homework, I have to tell my teacher, and then we do it the next night and turn it in the next day.

For my one son, it's like, it's a late assignment, it doesn't count anymore. So, oh wow, that affected your grade, we gotta make sure we're checking your folder every night before you go to school.

Um, I ran into this with my oldest son, he's in the band at school, and so he has to bring his trumpet on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Katie Fenske

11:53:04

They can't leave him at school, unfortunately. I was like, oh, this is gonna be hard to remember. Um, after the second time of him forgetting it, I just told him, I won't be bringing it. Like, I brought it the first time.

After that, I was like, I'm not going to be bringing it every time you forget it. So, he said, can we just leave it in the car so I don't forget it? And that's what we've been doing.

Another thing that you can do is allowing boredom instead of constantly entertaining your kids.

I know how that feels, like, especially in summertime, you want to, like, fill the time with all these fun activities, but that can get draining for parents.

Your child says, I'm bored, and instead of immediately handing them a screen, or planning an activity, or, like, joining them in a game or.

Becoming their, like, constant entertainment, you just let them sit in the boredom for a while.

At first, they may complain, but boredom often leads to way more creativity, independence, and self-directed play.

Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is to remove every uncomfortable feeling that sometimes you can, like.

Just teach your kids that they can handle this feeling. We don't always have to come to their rescue. I know there was a day, I think it was over spring break.

Um, my younger two, so Jet and Maverick, were complaining about being bored.

And, of course, they instantly go, can we play a game? Can we, like, screen game? Can we watch TV? And it is really hard to, like, keep saying no to that.

But I finally just told them, I'm like, okay, why don't you create a scavenger hunt and go find things in the neighborhood? I'll let you use the iPad.

to take pictures, but you figure out things that you're gonna find, and you go take pictures with the iPad.

They had the best time. They wanted to do it for probably at least an hour, and it's things they came up with on their own.

And, like…

an hour in, it almost seemed like they were kind of just leading it themselves, and I was like, hey, are they coming back yet? Are they… are they gonna come in the house?

But they had so much fun. So, I definitely think boredom leads to the most creative things. And I'm seeing that with my older one. He doesn't quite.

Want to do the same things my younger kids want to do anymore, um, like he's too cool to, like, play.

But when he gets bored and he's forced to have to just, like, come up with something with them, he goes back to, like, the cute little play with them, like they were playing, um…

I don't even know what it was.

Army, wharf…

oh, no, they were doing real-life Fortnite, that's what they called it. Oh, let's play real-life Fortnite. And then I saw him out there with, like, his little sword, and they were playing together, and I'm like, see, he can still do, like, pretend play, even though he's too cool at 12, but it was that feeling of boredom, and trying, like, I have to fill the time, and mom's not gonna, like.

give me something to do that led to that. So that's always fun.

I also think this conversation matters because moms are really burnt out.

So many moms feel like they need to be emotionally available 100% of the time, while also carrying that invisible mental load of the household.

Honestly, perfection is just unsustainable. So, good enough parents.

Parenting style gives parents permission to just be human. You're allowed to rest.

You're allowed to have bad days, and you're allowed to not constantly optimize every second of childhood.

I know I kind of feel like that when my kids are at school. I feel like I need to be, like.

doing something all the time, but the other day, I just sat and put on, like, an old show that I used to watch. If you've ever seen Anna Green Gables, I was able to get that back.

on Amazon, and I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna spend an hour just watching this. I'm not gonna, like.

feel like I have to clean the kitchen and answer my emails and record this and do that. I'm like, I'm gonna take an hour to myself because I know the morning was chaos getting them to school.

And I pick them up, like, I leave to pick them up at 2 o'clock, and from 2 o'clock until they're in bed.

I'm on call. So I wanted to give myself a little break, and it truly was heaven. And I told myself, I'm gonna sit here and watch this and not feel guilty about it.

Children are exhausting, and…

It's easy for parents to become anxious and burnt out over the perfection.

We need to make sure that we are emotionally present for them, and by doing that, it's kind of taking a step back.

So sometimes that means a frozen pizza for dinner. Sometimes it means screen time while we kind of regroup with our lives or drink our hot coffee.

Sometimes it means surviving instead of thriving. That does not mean we are bad parents. We are good enough parents.

I think moms worry so much about what we're doing wrong that we miss what our kids actually need the most.

Your kids probably won't remember whether every holiday was Pinterest-worthy, but they will remember.

That they had a safe home, that someone laughed with them, that someone would listen to them when they needed you.

Katie Fenske

11:58:08

That someone showed up, that someone celebrated you and loved you. Some kids' favorite memories are the random things that.

You never really planned, like dancing in the kitchen, or that random movie night, or your silly inside jokes that you had, or laying in bed laughing at bedtime.

I can say from my childhood, I have a specific memory of my mom taking us to the park one day.

And my sister and I were pretty young at the time, but I still remember this. She was pretending to be a bear.

And we would, like, climb up the tree, and every time we'd come down, she'd, like, come out, like, roaring.

That was the simplest little thing, but it was probably 15 minutes of her day that she spent playing with us, and that 15 minutes has stuck in my memory of, like.

Mom was so fun. I had so much fun growing up. So knowing that.

that little moment. I mean, she was cleaning the house a lot, she was making dinner, she was busy doing all of that, but that little moment really stuck out about how fun my childhood was.

So it wasn't like she had to be with us 24-7, engaged in activities. I do remember seeing her clean the kitchen and doing all the other mom stuff, but that was, like, my childhood.

So, honestly, I think that says something really important, that.

Love matters more than our performance.

I heard someone say this recently and gave me a huge sense of relief.

They were talking about the time spent with our kids, and they emphasized that quality means more than quantity.

So spending those 10 minutes connecting over a game of Uno can mean so much more than.

2 hours of your time, like, on this big event.

We are busy. We have things on our to-do list that never seem to get checked off. But even those small moments, like when we're driving to school, or 10 minutes at bedtime, or a 5-minute talk when we're making dinner.

Or, you know, taking 10 minutes out of my day to play school with Maverick, and he wants to do that all the time, and it's so boring, but…

I think those are the things he's gonna remember and think mean the most. So…

If you've been feeling lately like you're failing, like you're not patient enough, you're not calm enough, you're not organized enough, or you're not present enough.

I want you to hear this today. You do not have to be a.

perfect parent to parent well. A good enough parent is not someone who never makes mistakes, it's someone who keeps showing up every day, someone who repairs, if you maybe yelled a little bit.

Someone who loves deeply, someone who creates safety and connection and consistency over time.

And truly, that is enough, it's more than enough.

So, thank you for hanging out with me today on the Burnt Pancakes Podcast. If this episode encouraged you, send it to another mom who maybe needs a reminder that they don't need to be a perfect parent to be a good enough parent.

And if you haven't already, I'd love if you subscribed to the podcast, you left a review, or shared this episode on Instagram and tagged me in it.

Okay, friends, until next week's Small Verversation, I want to remind you that everyone burns their first pancake, so just keep flipping.