Advocating For Your Child in School

Are you starting to stress out because the school year is coming to an end and that means changes are coming? The knowns are turning into unknowns and this can be a scary time. Join Melanie as she shares how to advocate for your child with the school and help you prepare for September. 

Email: wellbalancedlife@rogers.com

Music: Moments by Shane Ivers - https://www.silvermansound.com
Cover art photo by Sharon Light Photography

Thanks for listening! Follow us on Facebook or check out our blog at www.wellbalancedlife.ca. And don't forget...you're not alone!

Transcript

00:00:00 

Happy May long weekend and welcome to Well Balanced Life! 

00:00:05 

I'm Melanie and I'm going to take a guess and say that many of you probably aren't feeling very balanced right now. 

00:00:11 

I'm hoping the long weekend gave you a little bit of relaxation, but we all know that Tuesday is very near and we'll be starting... We'll be back to reality. 

00:00:21 

The reason I'm anticipating that you may not be feeling very balanced at this moment is because it is the end of May and typically around this time that's when we start connecting with the school about next year. 

00:00:35 

So, if your child is in kindergarten going into grade 1 or if they are, you know, literally just transitioning from one grade to the next, that can be stressful. 

00:00:48 

As well because we don't know what type of support that's going to look like. 

00:00:52 

Are they gonna have the same EA that they had last year? 

00:00:54 

Who's their teacher going to be? 

00:00:57 

What about their classmates? Will all that be similar? 

If your child is going from grade 8 to high school, that's a huge change, and especially when you've been in the elementary grades for so long, that's what 8, 9, 10... potentially 10 years of their life. 

00:01:16 

And now they're going to be going to a new school, which typically is much larger with all new staff, all new peers and a lot more children, actually, that are in the same boat as our child. 

00:01:27 

So how are they going to divide up the support that they have when things are so short staffed right now? 

00:01:34 

And if your child is also having... You know some pretty great symptoms, especially aggression and what not. 

00:01:41 

It's possible that the school board may be saying, “you know what, we don't have the support to help your child at this moment to even allow them to come to school”, so that can be extremely difficult. Especially when we're trying to figure out how we're supposed to stay as parents and caregivers, how are we supposed to stay at home, when we need to work to pay the bills. So, knowing that the school year is about to end, all of your knowns are turning to unknowns. We're going to have IPRC meetings and transition meetings and... and it's just, it's really, really scary. 

00:02:16 

Just as far as the changes right... our child has developed a relationship with the EA that they had and that could be a potential change for them. 

00:02:25 

So having experience working in the school, being on a school team, but also as a parent with special needs, I really see both sides of it, and I do remember attending so many workshops on how to advocate for Gracie as best we could, and a lot of great information has come from those. 

00:02:45 

But I will say that those workshops tend to be... not aggressive, right.  

00:02:53 

Just they really, really are empowering and they inspire you to advocate for your child and they really focus on our child's right. 

00:03:01 

They have a right to attend school, just like every other child. 

00:03:06 

The problem that I found was it can be very … it can be really hard or not hard, but it's a fine line between advocating for your child and really ticking the school staff off. 

00:03:20 

So especially if we've been having to fight for our child's rights year after year, after year, right? We get frustrated and angry and overwhelmed, and we just get sick and tired of getting the run around or people not contacting us back. 

00:03:39 

So I get it. 

00:03:40 

I totally totally get the parent side of things or the caregiver side of things. We're focusing on our child alone, where the school has potentially hundreds of kids or even thousands of kids that they need to support and think of. 

00:03:56 

So, I sometimes find as a parent, though, that we can get lost in the whole “right” debate. The whole human right that our child gets to attend that school, and we get so angry that our child is not offered or provided with their right to attend school in a way that supports them to be able to succeed. 

00:04:15 

And it's really hard when we're in that state to be creative and kind of think outside the box. 

00:04:21 

And especially when there are unions involved, right? 

00:04:24 

So, there's... a lot of my experience professionally, I do find that there's a lot of differences between different school boards, and there's even differences between schools within the same school board. 

00:04:35 

Some schools will allow an outside agency to come in and help support, where other schools say no we can't do that because of the Union, and that's taking a job away from an EA. 

00:04:47 

But.. yet, the argument is well, there is no EA to help support my child. So it can get very, very confusing and very overwhelming and very frustrating at times when we're trying to think outside the box. 

00:05:00 

But when we're so caught up and angry and in those emotions, like I said, it's really hard to look in and see what is it that my child really needs? 

00:05:12 

So as a parent or a caregiver, we do need to be that squeaky wheel. 

00:05:16 

And if you're... if not, your child will get lost and potentially forgotten in the whole shuffle. 

00:05:21 

Because like I said, school boards and schools, they have lots of other kids that they need to consider. 

00:05:27 

Lots of other kids that they're receiving emails for. 

00:05:29 

Multiple phone calls for, you know, parents advocating for their child's rights. 

00:05:35 

And I'm not saying that the school boards or school staff are purposefully ignoring you if you don't be that squeaky wheel. 

00:05:42 

But it's just easy for them to forget if they're not hearing from the parents all the time. 

00:05:48 

School board staff and school staff, they're typically in this role to change lives and they care about our children, but they too are so overworked and understaffed. The expectations that are put on them from the government, even just, how to teach the children you know? 

00:06:06 

Ohh my gosh, math! 

00:06:07 

I think they've come out with so many different ways to teach math. 

00:06:11 

I... I don't even know how teachers keep up with the whole programming, so that alone is just extremely time consuming for them. 

00:06:20 

There's a lot of different aspects and a lot of different reasons why we either don't hear back from staff or why they can't meet our child's needs. 

00:06:32 

And in those workshops, it's like I said, continuously empowering you to fight for your child and I'm all for that, but we have to figure out how we can work together with the staff, with the school and with the school boards. And we also need to take a step back and think, what is it that my child really needs, right? 

00:06:53 

We often think about their academic piece. 

00:06:56 

I know that's what I was focused on in the early years with Grace. 

00:07:00 

And as the years went on, the gap was getting bigger. 

00:07:03 

She was losing confidence like crazy. 

00:07:06 

She had no confidence in Grade 7 and 8. 

00:07:08 

She was really, really hard on herself and not fitting in with her peers. 

00:07:15 

And what I find is, in those early days, we tend to focus and fight for the right to be in school. 

00:07:22 

But as she's gotten older, and especially once she got to high school and there was a Special Ed Resource Room that she could be a part of... 

00:07:29 

Once she embraced who she was with her autism and met other kids that were like her and understood her, her entire world changed. 

00:07:38 

So I know that we've gone from... and again different school boards are different, but where they've gone to this full inclusion model, which I think is wonderful that they want to include our children. 

00:07:50 

But when they don't have the staff to support our kids, inclusion, in my opinion has not been beneficial the way they anticipated. 

00:07:58 

The teachers are doing their best with what they have and the behaviour... symptoms... 

00:08:04 

If you've heard before, I'll be alternating between behaviour and symptom just because I know a lot of people use the term behaviour because that's how they see it and it is. 

00:08:14 

But it's also a symptom of their diagnosis. 

00:08:17 

So, I do like to try and use symptom as much as possible, but the symptoms and the behaviors that kids are having in school these days are way more challenging than ever,  and they have way less staff than what they need in order to support our kids. 

00:08:31 

So, safety is also a big concern as well. 

00:08:34 

Basically, what I'm trying to get at today is, I'm with you. 

00:08:38 

I know this is a very stressful time. 

00:08:41 

Change can be extremely worrisome. 

00:08:44 

Not only for your child, but for you as well. 

00:08:47 

And it's extremely normal and understandable, and we all feel it. 

00:08:53 

And again, that's not to downplay how you are feeling about things because we all have our own experiences and challenges. And you know it, it can look different for all of us, but we're all looking for the same thing. 

00:09:08 

And that’s to get the proper support for our child. 

00:09:11 

What you are feeling today and what you are advocating for today may very well change as they get older and as they move into those higher grades. 

00:09:20 

For us personally, we are at the point where we just wanted Gracie’s happiness. 

00:09:27 

Academics was not huge for us. 

00:09:31 

It was basically about her building her confidence back and her being happy, and a lot of that came with teaching her the social skills that she needed to have friends and that connection with other people. The academic piece will come. 

00:09:48 

It always does. 

00:09:51 

You know they are taking things in, whether we think they are or not. 

00:09:54 

And I do find that the academics do come and as they mature, they're more willing maybe to participate in the class. 

00:10:04 

But yeah, we just got to the point where we just wanted her to be happy and enjoy going to school. 

00:10:08 

But if you're in the stage where you are needing one-on-one support for your child and the school is telling you like “we're sorry we don't have it”, there are some ways to advocate. So, the first thing I would recommend is having things in writing, so if you can send emails, whether it's to the principal or whoever it is that you're connecting with, make sure that things are in writing. 

00:10:32 

It's always important to have a paper trail, if you do need that for a little bit more... stronger advocate. 

00:10:41 

But yeah, if you can set up a meeting, I always recommend having a meeting in May/June to talk about what's going to happen next year. 

00:10:48 

And I know that the staff may not have a clue because they have to go through all that stuff in the summer, but it's always good to let them know what your concerns are, what your fears are, and what your hopes are. 

00:11:01 

And maybe help provide some strategies or have a solution. And then I always recommend having a meeting just before school starts in September. 

00:11:10 

Well, like that last week of August, trying to set up a meeting then so you can discuss, OK, what is the first day going to look like? 

00:11:17 

And by then they should know what type of support your child will have. 

00:11:21 

And then you guys can go from there. But at the meeting, the first thing that I always like to do is show my appreciation. 

00:11:27 

You know, I let the staff know that I'm very appreciative for them taking the time to meet with us, especially after work hours. 

00:11:34 

There was a strategy that was given to me years ago at one of the workshops where they suggested bringing on an 8 x 10 photo of your child. Like a headshot or a school photo that they had and taping it to an empty chair, especially if it's with school board staff. For them, again, they love children, you know. 

00:11:56 

That's why they're in this role is... they want to make a difference and they want to teach and...and mentor. 

00:12:01 

But it is numbers for them as well, right? 

00:12:03 

They have to navigate all the funding that's offered to them and figure out how they're going to divide that up. So I'm not saying it in a mean way where... I'm saying that...our child is a number to them, but they are a number. 

00:12:14 

It does come down to funds. 

00:12:16 

So if you bring that photo, stick it to an empty chair, that's just a reminder of who we are here for, right? 

00:12:25 

This isn't a number. 

00:12:26 

This is our child, and this is who we need support for. 

00:12:29 

So, I thought that was a brilliant idea. 

00:12:31 

I didn't have to use that because I did have a very close relationship with the school that Gracie was with. But it is just something to consider, especially if you're having a board level meeting.  

I always validate the school's concerns and their fears and their struggles that they're having to meet the child's needs, so validation, appreciation can go a really, really long way. 

00:12:55 

And I think it's important for them to know that yeah, I get that. 

00:12:59 

You're struggling with this too. 

00:13:01 

So how can we work together? And let them know that you can be their greatest support and teacher when it comes to your child, right. 

00:13:08 

You know them best. 

00:13:10 

But in saying that, we don't always want to just eliminate the strategies or the ideas that the school might have, right? 

00:13:18 

It can't be just... 

00:13:20 

“This is what I want and this is how she needs to be taught and this is what she needs”. 

00:13:25 

I do give those, but I also ask for their feedback. 

00:13:29 

Basically, when I go in and I provide them with a list of strategies that can help, especially if we're struggling with something at school like a specific symptom, I give a list of strategies. 

00:13:40 

And then, basically strategies that have worked for us at home but... 

00:13:44 

Then I also have blank lines underneath. 

00:13:48 

That is for input from the staff, especially if the EA is present, or the teacher who are spending the majority of our time with our child. 

00:13:54 

I want to know what has worked for you. 

00:13:56 

This is what I'm suggesting. 

00:13:58 

This is what helps us at home. 

00:14:00 

But I also know that the environment is very different, so we have to come up with some strategies that work within the classroom with 20 or 30 other kids. 

00:14:08 

So, it's always good to give your input but allow for feedback and allow them to provide their thoughts as well. 

00:14:16 

I always like to set up some regular meetings, follow-up meetings, especially if things are really challenging at the moment and especially if, like I said, especially the school board staff are extremely busy around this time. 

00:14:30 

So it's really important to set up a meeting. 

00:14:34 

An actual date and time when you're in a meeting. So before you leave that room, let's set up a time where we can have a follow up meeting and make sure that that gets scheduled. 

00:14:44 

That just helps to not fall through those cracks. 

00:14:46 

And another thing to remember too is our kids do present very differently at home than at school. 

00:14:52 

So if the school is saying that things are great and they don't need that support. 

00:14:56 

And... and you're like, there's absolutely no way! They must have that support. 

00:15:00 

They're not lying. 

00:15:02 

You know it... 

00:15:03 

I know you might.... 

00:15:04 

It makes sense that maybe you would think that because... 

00:15:07 

Because, you know, they don't have the support and what else, are they supposed to say, but they really do. 

00:15:14 

You know, I was terrified. 

00:15:16 

And Gracie support just kept getting pulled and pulled and pulled, especially in high school to next to nothing. 

00:15:21 

And I'm not saying that it was all perfect. 

00:15:23 

There were some issues that arose, but when they did, then we dealt with it and the school helped us. But Gracie also had this learned helplessness that came with having an EA at all times, so there was always somebody looking out for her, whether it was an EA or a teacher... There were always staff around in the school that could keep an eye on her when she didn't have that one-on-one support. 

00:15:46 

But it... it really did allow her independence to just flourish, and I was not anticipating that. That was a big shocker to me and it was very scary at first. 

00:15:57 

But as we saw her growth, 

00:15:59 

It just became incredible. 

00:16:00 

So, I know through our experiences, we're going to have some bias of whether or not there is truth. 

00:16:06 

Yeah, but yeah, I've… I have seen it on both sides. 

00:16:10 

So just know that... 

00:16:12 

Yes, there's always somebody who may not... 

00:16:15 

You may not feel has your child's best interest at heart, and they might not. Right? There's people in every single position in the entire world, whether it's, you know, where Gracie works at McDonald's... 

00:16:28 

Or it could be Foodland or, you know, in every position that I've ever had, there's always somebody who, you wonder, “why are you in this role?” 

00:16:38 

But for the most part? 

00:16:40 

We take these jobs because we love what we do.  

00:16:43 

We want to help others and we want to see them grow. And I think we can all get caught up, whether it's parent, caregiver, staff,  just in the day-to-day stress of trying to support our students and our children with very little funds to provide that. 

00:17:01 

So I just wanted you to know that I see you, and I feel you, and I know that this can be a very stressful time and I'll have to listen back to this to see if it's organized in a way that was supportive for you, but if anything, I hope this episode just lets you know that you aren't alone. 

00:17:21 

And I know I say that after every podcast and I... but I truly mean it. 

00:17:25 

You are not alone. And you know, if... if you need some support, feel free to send me an e-mail. 

00:17:34 

wellbalancedlife@rogers.com 

00:17:35 

And I'd be happy to help you if I can. 

00:17:39 

But I just wanted to remind you that you have every right to feel the way you feel. 

00:17:44 

I just want you to know that we can get much further... 

00:17:48 

Being kind can go a very long way. So if you are angry, give yourself 24 hours to respond. Give yourself that 24 hour rule where you're not going to respond when you're angry. 

00:17:59 

And sometimes that can work for people. 

00:18:03 

Keep in mind, if your child's in elementary school, that's 10 years that you're going to be working with that school. 

00:18:09 

And then they've got high school, which they can attend until they're 21. So several more years where you're going to be working with that school. And if it's within the same board, that's like a lifetime. So we want to do whatever we can do to make sure that we work together. 

00:18:29 

And it can be done, it's just a matter of being respectful, yet really letting them know what our needs are, what your child's needs are and… and trying to come up with strategies together. 

00:18:42 

I think that's the keyword is… together. 

00:18:43 

It's not just going in and demanding that all this be done, but helping them figure out how it can be done so... 

00:18:50 

Again, I hope you're having a wonderful weekend. 

00:18:53 

And I am going to start posting ,I think on Mondays instead of Saturdays, because I find that the weekend gives me some time to be able to complete these if the week has been busy, so from now on expect the podcast to show up on Mondays, potentially… I'm still kind of debating but, 

00:19:13 

I'm wishing you all the best. 

00:19:15 

And as much as change is hard, 

00:19:16 

It can be great and you 

00:19:18 

Are not alone in this journey.