Stop Shrinking Before Growth: it is Ok to be Seen

We talk honestly about why success can feel scarier than failure. We name the pattern of shrinking right before growth and remind ourselves that being seen is not selfish. 
• struggling with visibility even while hosting a growing podcast 
• feeling safest as the sidekick and behind-the-scenes supporter 
• linking success with danger and learning that early association 
• noticing how people pleasing, masking, and overfunctioning keep us small 
• the difference between being needed and being seen 
• learning to take up space without apologizing 
• using awareness to break the pattern of self-sabotage 
• choosing to turn pain into purpose through faith and grit 
I would like to hear from you.

Transcript

Welcome And A Personal Nugget

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Welcome back to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Anne, and I said that I was gonna drop some nuggets or I guess you could say some segments for us to devour and take in how we want. I don't know, but they're gonna be short. This is um uh something that I've been thinking about because as the podcast has grown and as I've written my memoir, uh I'm up against something that I've had before. And um I kind of thought that it would help to talk about it. One of the things that is really hard for me, believe it or not, as a podcaster, is to be seen. Isn't that crazy? I don't like being seen. And I've been thinking about this. Uh I have really been seeing a pattern that's been going on, and maybe some of you will hear yourselves in this too. So I thought I could actually talk about it here. Cheering for them, others, believing in them, helping them tell their stories, helping them write books, helping them launch dreams, helping them feel seen, helping them feel value, valuable, you know, and the truth is I love it. It's legitimately one of my favorite things to do. I really love

Why Being Seen Feels Hard

SPEAKER_00 1:55

being a podcaster where I get to meet people from all over the country and interview them. Amazing people. But there's something that happens when it's reversed, and that's what I wanted to talk about today. When it comes reversed, I hold back. Not because I don't want people to know my story because I do, not because I don't want success, but I think I'm afraid of it. And I hold back right before something actually always happens, and that is a realization that you know I've known this for a while because for years I have done that, and I was the assistant director at a school for kids with autism, and I have been in many roles where I help others become, and that's always been like I like being the sidekick, I feel comfortable being the sidekick. I love even when I get to lead these podcasts where I'm interviewing people because I see my role as helping other people get their story out there. So, and and the realization it really has hit me because I've now written my memoir and it's a little bit reversed, and now I have to realize that you know I really want to get my story out there. I think somewhere along the line, and I know where this began because you know, success equaled something bad happening, and it was an association that was made very young. I told myself that uh I've always felt comfortable with the person behind the scenes being that person. And even when I wrote for the newspaper and I won awards, I would bring people up with me on stage. Part of it was because I didn't feel comfortable, but the other part was because I wanted to celebrate the people behind the stories. I wanted to celebrate them more than I wanted the focus just on me. And it was my way of saying, okay, but look. And it's always felt safer. Because when you spend your life, you know, helping others, and you can accidentally convince yourself that your value only exists in what you give away, not in who you are, not in who I am, not my voice, my story, my success. But I became the encourager, the helper, the supporter, the safe place, the one clapping for everyone else. And I'll get myself right to the point where amazing things are happening, and then all of a sudden I'm like, wait a second, I want to hold back right now for absolutely no reason, except for the fact that I'm stepping into more success. That's the only reason. I know

The Sidekick Pattern And Success Fear

SPEAKER_00 5:05

other people that have done that, so that's why I feel comfortable talking about that here because I know that I'm not the only one. And sometimes success is not scary because we're afraid of failure, because I'm not afraid of failure. Actually, I feel more comfortable there, and sometimes success is scary because visibility feels vulnerable, and I think that that is maybe where mine lies. Being seen feels vulnerable. Because once people see you fully, and I don't care if they judge me, honestly, if they judge me in a negative way, that's where I do feel comfortable. I think it's the positive. They can misunderstand me, they can reject me, they can criticize me. All of those things feel comfortable, but it's the success, it's the positive that comes at me that makes me back off. Isn't that crazy? And I think for people who grew up adapting, people pleasing, masking, overfunctioning, or trying to keep the peace, sometimes staying small, feels emotionally safer than fully stepping forward. And I talk about this in my memoir, Loving Differently, which hopefully it will be out eventually. But that is it. I have always felt more comfortable being smaller, the smaller one in the room. And I sometimes, when the spotlight is on me, I would just like to disappear. I think that some of us are so used to being the one who's the caretaker, being the one who's needed by others to launch their life, their success, whatever it is. But being needed feels safer than being seen. I want to say that again. Sometimes being needed can feel safer than being seen. When you're helping others, you're valuable, you're useful, you're protected behind the role. But when you step into your own voice, now you're exposed. Now people are responding to what I say. And I think that that's why this season of my life feels different because my memoir, like I said, it's finished, and I am super excited about it. And I can't wait to get it out there because there is so much good stuff in there, and the podcast is growing. The episodes with just

Being Needed Versus Being Seen

SPEAKER_00 7:55

Tina and myself are resonating deeply with people. And I think that I'm realizing that I can keep hiding behind everybody else's stories forever. And I mean, I can't do that. And at some point, I have to fully believe that my voice matters too. Now, look, my favorite thing is to get other people's stories out there, and that's not going to end. I'm not changing that, and that's not what I'm saying. I just want to be comfortable in getting my story out there as well. Because it has really been harder for me than helping anyone else believe in themselves. And that's just the weirdest thing. I can sit across from guests and pull incredible wisdom out of them, and I can encourage someone else all day long, and I can help someone else see their worth. But when it comes to fully owning my own, that's that's where I don't shine. And maybe that's the next stage of healing for me, not just surviving, not just helping, not just giving, but I mean, allowing myself to exist fully without apologizing for taking up space. It's always been difficult for me to take up space. I want to say I'm sorry the second that I feel like I am. And I know that some people listening right now probably struggle with this as well. And all of our listeners on Real Talk with Tina and Anne, you know, I would like to hear from you. Maybe you're the strong one, the caregiver, the encourager, the fixer, the dependable one, you know, the person everyone else leans on. But secretly, you are struggling to let yourself, your dream, be bigger because you could be seen. And you support everyone else's goals, but you shrink when it comes to your own and you celebrate everyone else, but I don't even want anybody to say happy birthday on my birthday sometimes. You know, I mean, you tell everyone else that they're worthy, but you struggle to believe it about yourself. And I just want to say this today: there is nothing, and trust me, I am talking to myself. There is nothing selfish about finally allowing yourself to grow and be seen. This is there is nothing wrong with wanting your voice to matter. There is nothing wrong with stepping into your purpose, and we talk about that all the time on the podcast. That pain is turned into purpose. And that means everything to me. That's my mantra. That's what I say at the end of every episode. There's nothing wrong with success, there's nothing wrong with being visible because I think that's what I've done for years without even realizing it, that I got close and then I stepped back, and close, and then I stepped back again. Like I could build everyone else's dreams, but and I have even a vision board, and I'll look at it, I'll look at things on there, and I'll think to myself, I can feel myself even going up to it, and then I feel myself backing off, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to fully show up, fully speak, fully create, fully believe in myself, and fully try to get my memoir out there. And honestly, I think part of why I'm sharing this is because I know that somebody listening needs permission to stop shrinking as well. Maybe you've spent years surviving, years adapting, years becoming who everyone else needed you to be. But eventually there comes a moment when you have to say, What do I want? You know, I have been a mom longer than I've been anything else. I have been a giver and caretaker to others when it came to my mom when I was a kid, when my sister was given away, I I owned every bit of that. I didn't even, you know, I thought everything was my fault. It was either my fault or I just needed to become smaller because everybody else in the room needed to become bigger. And I saw myself, my role as the person in the house house that needed to help everybody else. That's how I saw it. And there's nothing wrong, and I'm talking to myself again and anybody

Where Shrinking Starts And Awareness

SPEAKER_00 12:30

out there. There's nothing wrong with feeling as if it's okay to allow my dreams to be something too. I'm aware of this. I'm aware of this pattern. And sometimes that's where it begins, right? I mean, I'm aware of the fear, I'm aware of the ways that I have held myself back. I've watched myself do it almost like I'm another person in the room, and I can see myself going to do this. Awareness does change everything. I mean, because once you see the pattern, you can stop living inside it unconsciously. So maybe this next chapter of my life is not just about helping others find their voice, and I still am going to do that, but maybe it's finally about fully using mine too. And if you're in this place, if you're tired of shrinking, if you're tired of stopping yourself right before growth, if you're tired of believing everybody else deserves the opportunities except you, then maybe this is your reminder too. And you don't have to stay hidden to stay safe anymore. Oh my gosh. See, that to me, that statement is everything. I don't have to stay hidden to be safe anymore. That is the title of this episode. I don't have to stay hidden to be safe. Maybe the very thing that you have spent your whole life doing, believing that that was your purpose, you know, maybe you have to turn it back inward and give yourself permission to allow yourself to be. Open it up, read it, look at it, tell me what you get out of it, and be proud of yourself, be proud of who you are, and not shrink and not hide, and not be afraid for people to see you. Well, now I have to go live this because this is what I have to do. And I feel really good about it. But I really do want to tell you that I really, you know, Tina and I both, I mean, we appreciate you so much. So much. We just and you know, I didn't put out our latest numbers that we were given for certain things, but let me just tell you this. Our numbers are really good. And it makes me so happy. It makes me

Pain Into Purpose And Closing Thanks

SPEAKER_00 15:55

proud. It makes me proud. So I want to thank all of you right now for everything that you give us. And I don't want to be smaller, and I want to show you guys everything that we can do for you. Um, and like I said, there's always, always, I don't believe that things happen for a reason, really, but I do believe that we can turn our pain into purpose. 100% we can turn our pain into purpose. I live that. I believe that. I don't allow myself to sit in the pain for very long. And trust me, I have a lot of it. There's a lot going on in our life all the time. If I sat in that, I would drown. So I don't allow myself to. I make sure that I only give myself a certain amount of time to be upset about whatever it is, and then I just go from there and I begin to figure out how to stand back up again. I don't wallow for very long. And I honestly think that that is why I believe in this so much because I know what it's like to be hit from the left, from the right, from the top, from the bottom where I'm laying on the ground, and I just have no idea how I'm gonna get back up again, but I figure it out with God, with grit, with experience of that I can do this, and that I don't allow anything to take me down and keep me there, and we always figure it out, and I know that you can do it too. I really want to be okay with being seen and get my memoir out there and continue um the voice that uh I feel really strongly about. So I'm gonna end it here. But thank you for listening. And as we always say, we will see you next time. And I will have another nugget or two to drop for sure. All right. Thanks again.