Zombie Book Club

We Learn The Hard Way That The Apocalypse Has No Air Conditioning | Zombie Book Club Ep 156

Zombie Book Club Season 4 Episode 156

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0:00 | 24:49

We record this one crammed into a sweltering camper with the AC off during a heat wave, accidentally running the most honest apocalypse simulator we've ever tried and quickly learn the real survival threat isn't zombies, it's summer. Forgotten bug spray turns the outdoors into a West Nile virus exclusionary zone full of diseased monsters that want to eat us alive.

Leah apologizes for everything she said while she was suffering from a mild heat stroke, Dan regrets nothing but the audio quality.


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Recording In A Heatbox Camper

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to the what the podcast. How do I do this? Sweat your balls off and make it up. Yeah, we're sweating our balls off. Ziggy has none already. Ziggy's already gotten rid of his.

SPEAKER_01

Mine are I have any balls.

SPEAKER_00

Leah has any balls. Called ovaries. I also have any balls.

SPEAKER_01

You have any balls? I would think yours would be like way out right now, trying to separate themselves from your body.

SPEAKER_00

Sometimes they're any balls, but you're right. Right now they are trying to escape my orbit. Um we're in a we're in our camper right now with the AC off, recording this podcast. Because with the AC on, it would be really hard to edit. Uh we also had little lavalier mics that are supposed to make this better.

SPEAKER_01

Um insert terrible sound here for Dan to give you a sense of why we're not using those. It's worse than that. This is a casual dead. This is the kind of like we're practicing being on the road. This is this is our road trip dispatch number one. Whoa. The first one. The first one, the one in which we were so underprepared that we didn't bring bug spray. So we cannot enjoy the outdoors.

SPEAKER_00

We cannot leave the camper.

SPEAKER_01

Because there's West Nile virus. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

There's we're gonna we're gonna get infected.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, even Ziggy on the floor is panting. So this is going to be a short episode. Yeah. Uh but we want him to say hi, everybody. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the zombie book club, the only book club where we are now owners of a camper. And I'm realizing that I would be so grumpy in the zombie apocalypse.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah?

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Yeah, I mean, people tend to be. I would be sweaty. Sweaty. Which would make me feel gross and dirty. Showers would not be easily available.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because our AC wouldn't work in the zombie apocalypse.

SPEAKER_01

I did see a really inspirational video of a woman who has um armpit hair and clipped um braid extensions onto her armpit hair and then decorated with them with bows. That might be something I would do to like help cope in the apocalypse. Does that help with the heat? No, but I've always admired people who have been able to unshackle themselves from North American norms of hairlessness for people of my agenda. And I just think if I'm gonna have to grow it out in the apocalypse, I might as well decorate it.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So like glitter? Yeah, they could be glitter. Just imagine like a braid, like a fully long braid that would technically be like clipped onto someone's head, but from my armpits, two of them.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, could you like could you braid them really long and then clip them together? I could. So that they're like connected at the at the ends? They could go underneath my boobs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Just like a little I could make like a yeah. Apocalypse tech. Yeah. I'm already dripping sweat. So yeah, that would make me grumpy.

SPEAKER_00

We are. Um it was it was the fourth, the fourth of July weekend, and the first of July weekend. We just got naked. Leah's getting naked. Leah was flapping her dress over her head. Um, and that was making a lot of noise. Stuck on my hair clip. Oh

Canada Feels Like A Reset

SPEAKER_00

no. Look, Leah, this is not good disaster preparedness.

SPEAKER_01

That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00

I this is that's how that's when you get eaten by a zombie, Leah, when the your dress gets caught on your hair clip. I wouldn't have you trying to.

SPEAKER_01

If you're running around flapping your dress over your head, I wouldn't be doing that if there were zombies. So yeah, we're in Canada. It was our maiden voyage.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. You know, for America's 250th birthday, I wanted to experience freedom. So I went to Canada.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. We got to go to grocery stores and not wonder if there was a bunch of people with guns on their sense.

SPEAKER_00

You know what something I realize about um people in Canada? And I realize this every time I go to a grocery store in Canada. And I'm like, this feels like America. The people here look like Americans, except they don't look like they've been dragged backwards through a cactus patch.

SPEAKER_01

Why do you think Americans look like they've been dragged backwards through a bag?

SPEAKER_00

Because we have. We look like haggard wet cats because we are we we're just we're just beaten to death. Yeah. And like, you know, I I saw a man in the grocery store. He was probably in his mid-30s, but also had a like a 12-year-old face. And I'm like, that's because the world hasn't beaten you down the way it's beaten me down, Canada man. Does my brother look like he has a baby face from a Canada? My brother's almost 50 and he looks like he's 28.

SPEAKER_01

He does not look 28. Don't be his ego and give me hears this. He also has like dad glasses now.

SPEAKER_00

Well, those are his glasses. True. And his hair got a little gray. Yeah. But in in the end, like, you know, if he's mine. If he colored his hair and got different glasses, like he could go to a club and somebody might mistake him for a 30-year-old. True. Maybe not in Canada, because 30-year-olds look like they're 12.

SPEAKER_01

Because they haven't been dragged backwards through cactus. I think being dragged forwards through cactus would actually be worse because you'd be more likely to get your eyes gouged. You know what happens when you get dragged backwards though? What? Cactuses go right up your butt. I feel like they'd be more likely. Oh. I guess it depends on how I'm okay. So what I'm picturing being dragged backwards through cactus, I'm picturing someone pulling me from like the shoulders.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_01

But I think your what you think of as backwards is actually forwards to me, which is like butt first is forwards.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, well, I don't think of that as forwards. I was thinking dragged by one ankle. One ankle. So the other one is like flopping out there. Jesus. The other one is flopping out there. Uh do what you will with it. Yeah. Do your best to keep your ankles crossed, I guess.

SPEAKER_01

If you haven't figured it out yet, this is not gonna be a normal episode because we are both slowly melting to death. We are uh experiencing the real apocalypse of this heat wave. Yeah. Um we are re-entering the country that has an orange man who's ruined the color orange.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, orange was a great color.

SPEAKER_01

And I also years ago, I want to share a revelation I had just now.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

I've always wondered why can't America be like Canada.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Like why can't why not?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You know. And then I realized because it's not Canada.

SPEAKER_00

It's true. That is very true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It's it's not. We don't have a Second Amendment in Canada. We don't have we have a lot of similar history. Yeah. But not that.

SPEAKER_00

You know, we stuck with the Queen. You can get guns, um, some of them, and it takes work. You know, you you gotta constantly prove that you you're responsible

Apocalypse Planning Meets Climate Reality

SPEAKER_00

enough to have them. And that's fine. Yeah. Do did you learn anything about survival here in Canada? Well, I learned that um, you know, despite your your best plans, this has nothing to do with Canada. Despite your best plans, um, and if when the when the apocalypse happens, you're not gonna have AC. Uh you might, every now and then, you've got fuel for a generator, but you're gonna you're gonna have your your your battle RV, you're gonna have like your secret base, secret underground base, but unless you've got an unlimited source of fuel, you're gonna be sweating it out during the summer. Um so uh get you know learn to enjoy the winter, I think. You know? If you can enjoy the cold, then I hate the hot.

SPEAKER_01

I think we would just migrate further north now because of climate change. We're just gonna have to go up to like Sudbury, Ontario and be right on a lake. Like right on a lake to make this tolerable. And then we're gonna need to get a lot of bug spray because West Nile virus has made its way up here. There's some other Zika virus. What other things that mosquitoes bring to us? Rabbi. Um I don't bring up rabies. I did learn. Wait, do mosquitoes give you rabies? Okay, I was about to say.

SPEAKER_00

But you know, that's the next one. Um I did I did learn something cool uh about Canada from from your your mom's your mom's man friend. Yes. Uh it's weird to call him a boyfriend because he's like 70.

SPEAKER_01

I called them married accidentally, and then I felt so awkward. Yeah. They live together. They own a house together.

SPEAKER_00

Unmarried. They have common law, yeah. Spouses. Your mother's common law. Yeah. Um, anyways, he was telling me about this road that goes north in Canada. And uh apparently it's it's this really, really, really long road that goes basically to nowhere. Um, but people come from around the world to go see it and travel it. It's called Young Street. I think you're right.

SPEAKER_01

Or it starts in Toronto I know I'm right. And it's a street? Well, it starts off as Young Street. The name of it changes, but it it is one continuous road. Wow, and it's young. It goes all the way to downtown Toronto.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, but then it goes all the way to like the North Pole. Basically.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, as far as it can. It's not gonna hit the North Pole.

SPEAKER_00

It goes until it stops, and where it stops is like where nobody else can go any further unless you get out of your vehicle and start walking.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Uh or canoe. And or fly. You know, he was telling me about how like people come from all around the world to travel this road, and like so one of his friends was traveling, and uh one thing about this road, and that's also I feel a very can Canadian thing, is that um if you stop on this road, like even if you're just like taking pictures or you're arresting or something, if somebody comes across you on that road, they'll stop to ask if you're okay, because there's no other way to get help out there. Like if you need fuel, you're not you're there's no gas station, there's no cell phone towers. Yeah, once you're way up there, yeah. Yeah, so people stop and they ask if you're okay, and then you're like, oh no, I'm just taking some pictures. Um and his friend uh stopped, and these Australians came, uh, came up to ask him if he was okay. And he asked him, he's like, and don't you guys have long roads that go nowhere in Australia? And they're like, No, no, no, this is a big thing. Like, people we came across the world to drive on this road. This road is special, and now I want to drive on that road.

SPEAKER_01

I'm pretty sure it's Young Street, and you have driven on that road, just not that far north.

SPEAKER_00

Just not that far. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I probably have driven on that road. It's a it is a it is an artery of Toronto. There's no way that you haven't. I love that it goes, it starts in Toronto. It starts basically on, I think it's called it's been a while, Canadians, so forgive me, but I'm pretty sure it's called Front Street, which is the very closest street to the lake. Starts there and then just keeps going. Lake Ontario, for those of you who might not know.

SPEAKER_00

The lake, the only lake you need to know. Yeah. Lake Ontario. It's an alright lake. If you're if you're if you're a stan for one of the other Great Lakes, you can get fucked. I've heard that Lake Superior is superior. I really genuinely agreed that. I was specifically calling out Joe there, who's also on a Great Lake. Lake Michigan. Ontario's better. Lake Ontario, it's bigger, it's better. Joe, I I don't have a stake in this game.

SPEAKER_01

I'm pretty sure that Lake Superior is the best Great Lake. Fight me in the parking lot. Well, we could just travel all the Great Lakes. That could be part of our road trip one day. Um, this is we've had a lot of unhinged episodes. I think this one in the back of the camper without air conditioning after a week at my mom's house. We were sleeping in the driveway in our camper, not because we had options inside, yeah, but I find them insufficient. It's a very small bed that like sags really hard in the middle for the two of us, which means I'm just rolling in the dan all night. And also they keep their house super hot. Yeah, like 85 degrees. Yeah. So that's I think a slight exaggeration. But it is too hot. There's no fans in there. Um at that point in my life for the whole house. Truly. We had to like move it from room to room to survive. And it was a heat wave. And we already knew, even before that, I'd never been to my mom's place in the summer.

The Legendary Road That Runs North

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But we knew we wanted to bring the camper, and I'm so glad we did because we had our AC blasting.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It was great. We went to the lake, another lake called Lake Simcoe.

SPEAKER_00

That's also a pretty great lake. It's not a great lake, but it is very large. It's a good lake. It's a big lake. Large and good. Yeah. Um, it's also very shallow where we were.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we uh I think the biggest zombie update I have for you is that my sweet little nibbling uh is 10 years old now, and I got him some presents for his birthday, and Dan had to spend an entire day putting one of them together. Sorry, Dan. It's like a hydraulic hand that you can make use your actual hand to grab things, but way bigger.

SPEAKER_00

Stupid. The funny thing is that it's like a STEM toy, so like You're supposed to learn stuff. The point of it is to put it together yourself as a child and then learn about hydraulics, but I just made it for him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But we went swimming in the lake, and then I just decided, you know what? I'm gonna just ask you random zombie questions, like what would you do? And uh I asked him, like, what would his him and his friends do if they were in school and a zombie apocalypse broke out? And he was like, I don't know. And then he's like, wait, you mean me and the boys? This person would be the strength, and this person would be the brains, and I'd be the strength too. And I'm like, that's not answering the question.

SPEAKER_00

But he's he's putting his team together for sure.

SPEAKER_01

He literally listed them all.

SPEAKER_00

You know, he knows, and I love that there's there's one friend, and I don't remember the name, and uh, you know, probably probably for the best in case um, you know he's listening. Uh but he he got to one friend and he's like, I don't think he has any special skills, but but he'd be there too. You know what? That's inclusion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

We all don't we don't all have to have special skills. Maybe he's not. Oh, then he also is literally obsessed. Like, do we have guns or do we not have guns? And I was like, he don't have guns. And then I was like, okay, imagine we all have one gun and we're in the house, and it's just everybody here, and a zombie comes running in, and he was like, damn, would have the gun. And I said, That's a good choice.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, so I had fun with my nephew, sort of, for those parts. Yeah. Um, he's not allowed to watch R-rated movies. Parents who are listening. Yeah. People who are guardians of children. At what point do you start showing your kid zombie movies? Because I think that this kid would love Georgia Romero. He asked him what the origin of zombies were.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, which actually turned out to be really hard to explain to a 10-year-old.

SPEAKER_00

How the first zombie became a zombie.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And it's like, that's a tough one.

SPEAKER_01

It's like, that's that goes all the way back to the transatlantic slave trade and Haiti. And then I'm like fast forwarding to that looking towards. Yeah. There's like a lot of things. I taught him the word mutual, but he just sort of like picked it up. I don't even remember what I said, but I said something like, oh, they're mutual something. And he's like, I think I know what that word means now. It means some two people who also are the same thing together as you. And I was like, Yes. So I taught my nephew a word.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Uh it was a good visit. When when should when should can a 10-year-old watch an R-rated movie? Like, specifically an explicitly gory one.

SPEAKER_01

I I don't want to watch any ones with sexually explicit stuff with him.

SPEAKER_00

Uh so I had a friend. Oh. Um, and he watched he watched like all the 80s slasher movies since like he was four years old. And like he used to have dreams about like, you know, Freddie and Jason and Michael Myers, except in his dreams, all of these slashers would be his friends. They would hang out. Um, and he learned how to read because he he would he would watch the movie until the end and then start reading the credits. Because he wanted to know who made the movies. He became like a huge cinephile because he had like a love for these, you know, very R-rated slasher movies ever since he was a child. Um and, you know, he is he's a weird guy, but like he's not dangerous.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, I recognize how weird we are anytime zombies get brought up, and then I'm like, well, let me tell you everything I know about them. And someone asked me what my favorite zombie TV show was, and I was like, don't do that.

SPEAKER_00

Well, the TV shows you have fewer to work.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but still, I don't want to say Walking Dead because I think The Last of Us is better.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

But there's not enough seasons to really say that. And maybe I'm still tainted by season 10 and all

Kid Zombie Strategy And Movie Limits

SPEAKER_01

of the spin-offs from The Walking Dead.

SPEAKER_00

So while we were in Canada, I was on Mercari. Mercari is an app where people sell things. It's kind of like eBay, um, except it doesn't suck. Uh, I've got feelings about eBay um that go back a really long way. Anyways, I bought Knight of the Living Dead, like this really good version that has like the 4K remaster. Amazing. It's gonna be it's gonna look great. Um, I also got Day of the Dead, because I they're like, you want to buy this too? Yeah, it's my favorite. Uh then I also bought seasons one through nine of The Walking Dead. Perfect. Don't give season ten out of it. Exactly. Ten, I could get ten, but not eleven. Eleven is where I really draw the line.

SPEAKER_01

It was a I think I've just been saying ten because some part of me had to stop thinking about eleven.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I could stop at eight. The end the end of eight. I feel like that's a complete story. If you want to keep going and hear more about Negan being in jail and whatnot, then you know you can do that. But I feel like you can just stop at the end of eight. And that's that's a full, complete series. So, Dan, how's writing going? Oh, and also two seasons of The Last of Us. Yes. I I got those on Blu-ray. Amazing. So we have physical copies of cool zombie movies and shows.

SPEAKER_01

Completely unzombie related. I'd like to get the full discography of Ted Lasso.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, let's do it.

SPEAKER_01

That show made me really happy. And Shits Creek. If it exists, it does. I looked at it, I just didn't buy it.

SPEAKER_00

We gotta get Shits Creek because that's something that's like it's kind of hard to watch in the United States. Sometimes it's available and then they remove it. It's also literally my dad's hometown. It's your family's store. Yeah, from Shit Creek. Yeah. I mean, uh we've probably brought this up on the podcast before, but it bears repeating. Leah's family owned the general store that was the Tropical Cafe. Yeah, the Tropical Cafe.

SPEAKER_01

In Schitz Creek, as well as the Rose Apothecary was actually my grandparents' house. It was just a house they lived in. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01

It is. I tried to be an extra, they never even wrote me back.

SPEAKER_00

They didn't. No. It was probably already over. It probably was.

SPEAKER_01

That's okay.

SPEAKER_00

We were still catching up on episodes just about writing. Yeah, how's writing going? It's been really good. This past week I wrote 12, 12,000 words. Wow. So it'd bring you to Canada more often? Yeah, but also I don't want to give too much away, but it's good. It's good and it's big news.

SPEAKER_01

He let me read some of it, and it's really fucking good. I'm like literally, I'm like, dude, write more. I need more of this direction that you're heading in. There is more. There's more for you to read, Leah. That's probably what I'm gonna do tonight since we don't have any reception and we can't go outside because again, we forgot bug spray. We also don't have any firewood. There's nothing fun to do outside now.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Even though we're in a beautiful park by a lake. Or actually a St. Lawrence River.

SPEAKER_00

You know, um, before we end this episode, I wanted to leave off on when we got here, uh, the uh the neighbors have a sign that said that said, let's let's sit by the campfire and watch people back their trailers in. And that's what they did when we backed in. And I hope they enjoyed the show.

SPEAKER_01

I thought, I mean, I actually also thought about that, and I was very tempted to walk over there and be like, I bet you you've never seen that good at a backing up from anybody. Because in case you've forgotten, Dan is a professional truck driver and he can back that thing up.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I couldn't even see. It was incredible. I wasn't even watching, I just closed my eyes. I mean, that's not true. I closed my eyes. I don't listen to this man now. And I threw it into reverse. I blindfolded myself because when you limit one sense, it enhances your other senses. My sense of taste and smell and touch and and hearing enhanced the superhuman levels. And that's how I backed up the trailer. Yeah, I just sat there.

SPEAKER_01

And I looked at it one point and was like, that looks really good, Dan. Yeah. Dan does everything. Dan, you set up everything, but I had Ziggy for what it's worth. I had to make sure Ziggy was not close to the other dog. And tomorrow we're gonna be back in Vermont. I'm excited about that. We've got uh we're recording with um a couple of authors next week. So that's exciting. So there'll be some author episodes coming up really soon, which we haven't done. I when was the last one we did? It was a

Physical Media Hauls And Quick Updates

SPEAKER_01

little while ago. I guess with Lori Calcatera, which by the way has a Kickstarter out right now for their trade issue paperback from issues five through eight. So you can get issues one through four as of trade paperback, and you can also get issues five through eight and have them as books, which is pretty cool. You can also get a uh body pillow cover of Jude.

SPEAKER_00

I wonder how Lori got that idea.

SPEAKER_01

See what was that episode called? It was last summer around this time. It was last summer. Wow, it's been so long. Summerween slam down. Summerween slam down. Yeah, see Summer Wayne Slam Down if you don't know, because trust me, you well, if you're a child of divorce, proceed with caution. Otherwise, it's a great episode.

SPEAKER_00

Uh yeah, I know people got triggered by the the divorce trauma at the beginning, uh, and it got a little intense, but it that it ends, it ends with a with a bang for sure. Uh a banger. A banger. A song. Yeah, it's pretty great.

SPEAKER_01

There's a musical number that involves a body pillow from Jude.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And Brandon's Draki snuggling it of Avalon fame.

SPEAKER_00

Well, what I love most about all that is that it means that Brandon is required to give to Lori's campaign the amount necessary to get the body pillow because it's canon that he needs to have it.

SPEAKER_01

We should call Brandon. We should after those episodes finish being recorded and be like, you've bought one, right? Because I feel like we're also required to buy one. I feel like that is our um our penance? No, that's not the word. Our tithing to Lori, our our goddess Lori Calcatera.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

To keep giving us amazing stories in the form of Path of the Pill Rider and others. Well, I think this should be a short episode today. Because we really don't have anything to say. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And I And it's hot, and I want to put the air conditioning back on. Watching your face get shinier and shinier. And now, like, the shiny part of your face now has another layer of shine on top of it. Like, soon your face is going to be reflective. I'm just gonna be able to see myself.

SPEAKER_01

Just a mirror in my forehead.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Um, and also, like, you know, we're we're we're probably going to like be up to our ankles soon in sweat. We should probably call it so that we can turn on the air conditioner.

SPEAKER_01

Thank goodness. Again, full circle moment of this episode. I think I'd be really grumpy in the apocalypse. Yeah, there's zombies. Zombies, yeah. I don't think it's a good, you know, we romanticize it, and I often say I'd rather that than a 40-hour work week, but I'm not sure about that.

SPEAKER_00

Three seasons of the year would be okay. Yep. Summer, no. The black summer. The blackest of summers. Well, thanks everybody for listening to us. Sweat. Let us know if you could actually hear anything dripping off of our foreheads.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody. We promise the next episode will be less sweaty.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And sound better.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Probably. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye, everyone.