126: I Thought I’d Be a Mother… Then Life Took a Different Turn

We all grow up with a version of how life is supposed to go. Meet someone, settle down, have kids. But what happens when that version doesn’t unfold the way you expected? In this episode, comedian Aideen McQueen joins us for a funny, honest, and deeply personal conversation about identity, addiction, recovery, and coming to terms with not having children. From always imagining herself as a mother to confronting that reality in her 40s, Aideen shares the emotional complexity of grief, acceptance, and finding purpose in unexpected places. This isn’t a story about giving up. It’s a story about redefining what a meaningful life looks like and discovering that care, connection, and fulfilment can exist in many different forms. FInd Aideen and info on all her shows at: https://www.instagram.com/comedymcqueen/ Sponsored by Happytummy.ie Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

This show is part of the Head Stuff Podcast Network.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Welcome to the Baby Tribe. I'm your host, Afi Felkafash, genatologist, pediatrician, and lactation consultant, and my co-host is Anne Deharty, obstetric anesthesiologist. This episode of The Baby Tribe is sponsored by Happytummy.ie and Biogaia Ireland. Biogaia contains the probiotic Lactobacillus Ruteri, the only clinically proven probiotic to help infants with colic. They also have probiotics suitable for the whole family, like Biogaia Prodentis for Oral Health, one of my favorites. Let's get on with the show. Welcome to the Baby Tribe. Alright, today's guest is somebody I need to be very careful with because she's actually my comedy tutor. So if this goes well, I'll take full credit. If it bombs, it's totally on her. We've got the brilliant Aidine McQueen in studio today. Comedian, performer, former teacher, and unfortunately for her, now responsible for trying to make me funny, which is very ambitious. Now we're talking about something a bit different today. Not nappies, not sleep training, not reflux, although to be fair, some adults I know still struggle with all three. And not a word out of you. We're talking about the idea that not everyone's life follows the same script. The whole meet somebody, settle down, have kids' trajectory, and what happens when that doesn't quite pan out the way you expect it. And because this is Aiden, we're not doing it in a heavy, doom and gloom way. There'll be honesty, a bit of chaos, and probably a few uncomfortable truths, and ideally some laughs at my expense. So, Aiden, welcome to the baby tribe. Please go easy on me.

SPEAKER_03 1:44

Thank you very much, a thief. Do not go easy on me. Okay, well, I didn't know this was a roast of a thief. I would have got my list.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

A little bit, a little bit, but he takes it. I feel like I should have texted you ahead of time just to let you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

Every episode is a roast of a thief. Yes. Yeah, generally, I know. So for people that mightn't know you, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_03 2:07

Okay, so for the people who might know me, which is everybody, uh, let's face it.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

That's not true. That's not true.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

Um a stand-up comedian, and I do the clubs. I've been I've been a club comedian for years. So the club comedian is the person that you go on a night out to a comedy club like The International, like the Crackden, and there'll be a lineup of three or four acts, and I'll be one of those people. And I also run the comedy school where FIFA is one of my star pupils.

SPEAKER_04 2:31

Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

And that's how we met. So I've been plodding along doing that, but lately I've been doing my own show, which is a comedy play called Waiting for Texto, and that's been doing great. Basically, I started off with my sister, and we took we were talking one night, and my sister was just kept looking at her phone. She kept looking at her phone, and I, you know, it's obviously a lad, she's not waiting for delivery, you know. And I said, What's going on? And she was just in a bits, and she said, It'd be amazing if there was a movie about a night where you're just waiting for a text from that one person, yeah. And I thought, movie? What if we did a play? Yeah. So it was one of those conversations you have late at night, and you think, Oh, nothing will happen about it. But we actually did. We started writing the play, and Afa is great at prose and she's journalistic, and you know, she used to work in politics and do speech writing, and there was a lot of heart in what she writes, where I'm like, jokes, jokes, jokes, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, make him laugh. So I was writing all these jokes, and she was like, Aidan, maybe can we just be serious here for a bit, or you need a bit of pathos here, or what does she really mean by that? And so there was a good combination. So we came up with a play, and Beuly's theatre wanted to do some comedy, and they asked a friend of mine to organize some, so I said yes, but I didn't do comedy. I tricked them. I did the play, and they were so good in Beuly's, they let us practice every day. We went in for the whole day, we'd be practicing, setting it all up, and uh then we did the play, and it was like great success, great, it got a great review, and we thought, okay, this is people, but pe women really responded because the play is about you know the torment that you put yourself under and the pressure that you put under yourself to be perfect, to get everything that you're supposed to have, all the milestones in life, and when you don't have that, you're kind of blaming yourself. Yeah, because women now we kind of we we're supposed to have it all, we can have it all, but it's really difficult to have it all, and sometimes it's not your fault. A lot, you know, it's just didn't pan out that way for you, and just letting go of the blame for that and being able to enjoy your life, regardless of whether you got all the things that you want or you thought you needed in life. So it's been really cathartic for me doing it, really cathartic for my sister. She's 40, I'm 43, and we are both without child and unmarried.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Oh my god, how did you fall through the net? Well, that's the common message.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

No, we get these. We get that thanks, uh 1950s mom. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, I know for me, I was a massive alcoholic. Um, so I'm in recovery now, three and a half years sober. I do a lot of work around that. Thank you. But um, so it was probably a good thing that I fell through the net. I mean, a lot of men tried to catch me and I was like uncatchable, you know. I would have liked to have all of those things, and I'm not saying I can't still have it. You know, if I tell somebody I'm 43 now and I I we know I probably won't have a child, some people get so upset. No, you've loads of time. And I'm like, really?

SPEAKER_02 5:42

Do you think it's because they feel under pressure, right?

SPEAKER_03 5:44

They feel under pressure, I think, and they don't want to admit that actually it's fine. Yeah, it's true. They because it's it's like saying, It's I what I'm trying to say is I would like to have kids. I would also love to have a mansion. But if I don't have a mansion or children, I'll be happy. Yeah. I mean, so it's the acceptance of that I have a lovely career that I really enjoy, I have loads of friends, I've got great fellowship with working with other alcoholic women. Um, you know, I do a lot that were involved in lots of stuff. So I will just that faith that I'll be okay. From a young age, I always thought of myself as going to be a mother. You know, I would have like spoken to my unborn children in my mind when I was young.

SPEAKER_04 6:32

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_03 6:33

I was one of those kids, I couldn't wait to start babysitting. I put up a little post-it note in the local um shop when I was 12, babysitter available, which when you think about it now, 12 like babysitting. But yeah, we were off babysitting newborns, me and my sister. Yeah. I would have like been one of those girls like I'll mind baby infants, you know. I'm I would play teacher with my my sisters. So I was always very into younger kids, minding younger kids. I loved children, and I would always have that in my head. Um, so I assumed that it would kind of happen for me at some stage. Now, as I got a bit older and I, you know, the drinks started to take over and my life became unmanageable, you know, it was put in the back burner. But then I got sober and you know, my career started to take off, comedy started getting better, I got better gigs, solo shows, things like that. I could actually follow through on my plans. Like I could follow through and write that play I talked about rather than not doing it. I could follow through, I started the comedy school rather than just having a conversation about it. Yeah. And you know, so if anyone's on the fence about your drinking, don't be on the fence. Your life will improve in every way if you get the help.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

Do you think that traditionally society never really allowed women to feel like they're enough in themselves without giving themselves some higher fertility purpose within society and all that kind of stuff? Because there's so many women out there who are enough just living their own lives on their own terms without feeling the need to fill a space with a child or a partner, in the same way as there's women out there who really feel like they want that in their lives, but the women who don't want it, do you ever feel like there was never society never really gave them enough space?

SPEAKER_03 8:21

No, I think it's much better now. I mean, I can imagine you're you know, even my mother would talk about women that didn't get married that were her peers as if they almost had something wrong with them. Yeah, yeah. And it's hard on her now. And I'm looking at this woman and she looks so serene, and my mother's there with 20 shopping bags, three kids under the age of three, like absolutely frazzled. The poor woman. But you know, my mother's fantastic and everything. Would you see the serene woman having coffee on her own reading the Irish Times, you know? You're like, that doesn't look that bad. I do think, yeah, there's more space for it now. I think a lot of the time women put themselves under pressure. I think a lot of the time women see what other women have and think I should have that because she has it. And I should have a baby, I should have a house, I should have a husband like this, I should have a six-pack, I should, you know, be a bit a girl boss and a wonderful trad wife at the same time as being a gym bunny.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

And so we put ourselves under pressure based on what we see, and social media has exasperated that so much that you're seeing all these people having it all, and you think, okay, I was not really, yeah, yeah. And um it's the only social media version of their lives. It's only so yeah, because there's somebody in a place that we go to, we used to go to, and there's these apartments near it, like a very posh apartments, and there's this couple, and they're so social media savvy, and they're on it, and they're wedding, and everything looks amazing. But apparently it's screams, screams, screams that you hear from the apartment. Oh, my friend lives next door to them. Yeah, it is because they on the outside they show this front of perfection, but you know, it's everyone screams at each other, yeah, but they're not showing those things on obviously the social media, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Whereas mean if you've just come on a podcast and talk about how much we fight all the time, and then I haven't seen any evidence of it.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

She's had a chill day in the sauna, so yeah, we caught her, we caught her on a good day. What strikes me about this story is that during all of that you had a lot of kind of identity pivots. You were a teacher, you a musician. Yeah, and you did you did all of these things. So, how did how did you weave in all of that?

SPEAKER_03 10:28

Yeah, well, the musician part is easy because you can literally drink and work at the same time, and sometimes I'd be like barely able to do it. Can you I was about to say, like, can you perform to the standard that you'd no, you think you can, and I used to do comedy drunk, and I thought I was hilarious, okay, and I was not. You know, people would sometimes be really worried. I I was losing work left, right, and centre. Actually, you know, I was banned from two or three comedy clubs. Okay. I don't know what I did. My manager at one stage was shown a video and he didn't want to tell me about the details. Wow. So, yeah, Bourne with Comedy Club. But uh, I got back in there. Yeah. So, you know, I made an amend to them and that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

I want to ask you about how the version of life that you thought you were gonna have when you were a kid. You know, you wanted to be a mom, you wanted to have kids and all of that. And when did you, I guess, realize that that may not happen?

SPEAKER_03 11:22

So I suppose when I was drinking and my life was all about getting off the drink, being off the drink, relapsing, you know, go going to rehab, getting out, trying to rebuild my life again, it just didn't come up. And when I was about a year sober and I turned 40, and my life was going good, I was happy, I had content sobriety, I had lots of friends, and everything was nice, but physically, I don't know what it was. I started to really feel that lack of being a mother. It was like in my soul, and logically, I'd go, No, your career is going well now. If you have a child, what are you gonna do? Be breastfeeding while you're doing a gig, you know, it's not practical.

SPEAKER_02 12:01

Which I actually think should be done, but anyway, yeah, I agree with you.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

Yeah, I think that and some comedians I've seen some comedians do it, or they hand a baby to someone before the gig.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

If it falls during a breastfeeding period, you just latch on and keep going.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

That would be a good Edinburgh show. Latch on, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so I was on one hand, I was being very logical and going, it's not practical, you know, I had no partner and thing like that. Um, but there there was a real physical want. And then, you know, you have like when I got sober, I read the book by Jordan Peterson. I'm not an advocate of Jordan Peterson, but his he had 12 steps kind of book, and a lot of it was had stuff about recovery, and I found it helpful. But he was really talking about like a woman at 45, if she doesn't have a child, it'll be so empty. And that got in on me a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The woman was helping me with my sobriety. I kind of shared to her about it, and she would say to me, you know, just pray about it. And like I was doing all of this stuff, but I I didn't really mean it. But I was doing it just because it was keeping me sober, and I was, I just like, I don't know what I'm praying to, whatever, blah blah blah. But it was the so it was the first time I really, really prayed and meant it. And I just said, I think I got down on my knees and I just went, listen, higher power. If you wanted me to have a fucking child, then just show me, you know, which is not a prayer you'll find in any little missalette that your grandmother might read. But I just I didn't know what I was talking to, I didn't know what I was doing, but I just I was like, I can't keep thinking about this. I'm it's making me sad. I'm not able to enjoy my life because I'm thinking about this all the time. There's a physical push-pull. Um, so I did that, and then I was working in a town called Bath in England, you know, Bath and beautiful town, and I went into a 12-step meeting. I didn't know anybody. I met this girl, and she was very young. She was really rattled, and um, it was a lovely meeting, and I just got this urge to help her, and I said, Let's go for lunch. I bought her lunch, she was homeless. Then we I went to another meeting with her, and the next day I went to a meeting, and I got this very profound feeling that I would be okay. You might have children, you mightn't, but you can be maternal outside of being an actual mother, you can help other women in recovery. But then she got in touch with me a year ago and she was like, Thank you for sticking by me. I actually got into a treatment center because I've been trying to get her into one, and I really appreciate it. I visited her in Western Supermare twice. I give her, you know, birthday presents, Christmas presents, and I'm, you know, I'll go over and visit her again soon, and she'll be like a year and a half sober soon. Now, you mean that doesn't happen with everyone you meet, but it was the first time I remember the next day after waking meeting that girl, I woke up and instead of waking up and thinking, Oh Jesus Christ, what am I gonna do today? What's on the schedule? 18, 18, 18, me, me, me, me, me. My first thought was about her and not me, and not my struggle or not everything that I had to do, and so that was just a very clear message that I'd be okay. And like it does creep back up. My sister had a baby, and I was like, Oh my god, you know, where's my yeah, where's my child? Yeah, but yeah, I see my friends, you know, it's it's just a different life, yeah. But I do think it is important for people to be able to give care and you know, do to contribute. Yeah, um, I think that gives you purpose.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

I think people like you have a really strong instinct to nurture and to build. And I think we've always been taught that that is your maternal instinct and it has to go down a maternal route. But like I think it there's so many people out there who've been raised by ants and been raised by siblings, you know, and who've been nurtured by those people, you know. Um so I I think I totally understand what you're saying, and fulfillment comes from a lot of different places, but it's a lovely way to put it that that it's something that you have to give outside of yourself, yeah, you know, to find a pathway for it, otherwise it just builds up like this push-pull ache inside. I think that it's a lovely way to put it.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Do you think that by you caring for this person that it was almost an outlet for your maternal instincts?

SPEAKER_03 16:26

Definitely, 100%. Yeah, it was, yeah. So, I mean, I I do help other people in, but that was the first time that it was very clear, and it was the first time that I kind of put my faith in the universe, let's say, or a higher power to kind of give me the guidance that I needed.

SPEAKER_01 16:44

But a lot of parents will relate to what you said because again, people are always thinking inwards, um, you know, about themselves and everything. And then when you have a child, you have to go outwards and care for care for that child that yes is yours and you made and whatever, but you relay a very similar story to that person that you connected with and and helped and had a huge impact on their life. That's what we do as parents. So, yes, it isn't it is not parenting, but I see the parallels there, you know. And we had Ifa Dunn on on the show not too long ago, who lost her mother when she was very young and she had to end up caring for her other.

SPEAKER_03 17:21

Yeah, her story is fascinating and so we're gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

It's I mean, it's not the same story, but it has similar threads and themes. Yeah, definitely. Without being a mother, yeah, you're still caring for people.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

And that's why I really object to the idea in society of like that we grew up with, where if you don't get married and have children, you've somehow got no purpose, and I think it's horrible. Yeah. Because you know, people and women have that who have that nurturing instinct, even regardless of how they apply it, yeah. It's hugely valuable in society. And if you don't have to focus at all within your own family, it can be hugely beneficial to the rest of the world.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

We're taking a quick break to thank happytummy.ie, the official distributor of Biogaia Probiotics, for supporting the baby tribe.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

Biogaia's probiotics are a game changer for baby health. Their protectus formulation with L-routerized strain is clinically proven to reduce crying time in colicky infants by up to 75% in just three weeks.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

Just a few drops a day can make a big difference, and their baby drops come with vitamin D, which is one less thing for parents to think about.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

And they're not stopping at tummies. Biogaia now offers probiotics as a handy-to-take minty lozenge for oral and gum health support too, with their new preparation, Biogaia Prodentis.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Visit happytummy.ie to learn more and give your crew the gift of a happy tummy and a healthy smile. Hey there, Baby Tribe listeners. Did you know that we've got some amazing bonus material just for you? Baby Tribe Shorts is here. Quick evidence-based breakdown of all things science when it comes to mum and baby. You can find it as part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. You can subscribe to Headstuff Plus for as little as 5€ a month. We'll give you quick evidence-based takes on science behind maternal and infant health.

SPEAKER_02 19:10

And the best part is it's just 5 euro a month, which helps support us and supports Headstuff and all the incredible shows they produce.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

You can find all the details on Headstuff Podcasts.com. So, Adam, I'm gonna ask you something personal if that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:33

Yeah, like as if none of this has been quite personal. I mean, I'm just I'm skating around the edge. Is it small talk here?

SPEAKER_01 19:41

I know, I know. So how how does it play?

SPEAKER_03 19:44

No, big talk only here. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

How does it play out with dating when when like Jesus, he did go there.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

Okay, go on.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Well, no, no, I'm I'm I'm interested in which which part the the the the the having babies conversation, and I know you don't have that at the start, or does that ever come across? Or is it look, I haven't dated in 22 years?

SPEAKER_02 20:06

You barely dated then, love. Go on. We've heard the stories, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Yeah, yeah. I mean it is it is my main skit at the moment, how how we met. Yeah, but like does that come into the conversation, or is that something that you think about when you are dating somebody?

SPEAKER_03 20:22

Well, I I I think since I had that kind of I suppose it's spiritual experience in a way with my maternal instinct that I'll be fine or not. It wouldn't be something that'd be under pressure with. Like, I dated one guy about two years ago, and he was interested in having kids, but he was he I didn't there was there was something not quite right about it, okay, even though he was a nice man and everything like that. And um again, I I assassed my higher power what to do, and my higher power was like no, I didn't continue the relationship because I thought I'm going to be forcing something that isn't quite right. So that was another kind of like acceptance, and I was very sad when that didn't work out.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

I was about to say, was there a grief associated with that?

SPEAKER_03 21:06

Yeah, there was a bit of a grief, yeah. There was. I was kind of and then I just again I just did what I I I offered it up to the universe and offered it up again and offered it up again, and I got that feeling of calm, you'll be fine, don't worry about it, it's okay. And because we do grieve that loss of potential. We do grieve that loss of potential. Yeah, yeah. And I've male friends as well, and they would love to have um kids, but they have a when you know, a friend, he's he's very handsome, he's about 47 or 48, you know, and he's just like, you know, I just really want to be a dad, and he has such that luxury of time. But even still it's running out for him now as well, you know.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

And it it is interesting because I think the way you framed it is a is very honest because you may come across people who say that they don't want to have kids, but but they're not being honest, they're almost protecting themselves.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

Yeah, they are. Yeah, like I would have in a different world, I would have I mean But it's just accepting this is the key, and you don't know what might happen. Is it possible to foster on your own? I was looking into that a bit. Accepting the uncertainty. Yeah. Um, we are so uh determined to get, I think, what we think we want because society, social media, our family tell us that that we forget to just be in live and live life and appreciate it. And if you can't be happy being on your own, you won't be happy with somebody else. It's yeah, it's just realizing that there's lots of joy in all the various paths that life has. Yeah. And having a bit of faith that things will work out if you put yourself doing the right stuff and um you know try to live a decent life. Yeah, I think.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

Okay, I'm gonna ask your profound question to finish up because this has been a fantastic chat.

SPEAKER_03 22:53

But beforehand, none of them have been profound, uber personal.

SPEAKER_01 22:56

Uber, uber profound. Tell us tell us about your show and where can people find you? Where can people watch it?

SPEAKER_03 23:00

Where can people excellent? Okay, so I'm glad you asked me that. Yes. Um, the show is called Waiting for Texto. It's a comedy play for anybody that's ever been into somebody that's not really into them. And they That's my life every day. Yeah, I can see now that's marriage. Yeah. And it's so I've it's coming up. There's three shows in Wheelands, two of them are sold out, but there's one new one on so the 31st of May in Wheelands. Um go to the Wheelands website, make sure it's the 31st of May because they've got two separate pages with which um some of them are sold out, but 31st of May, AD McQueen, Wheelands, waiting for texto, one in Belfast as well on the 8th of May. I'm going to be in Greystones on the 11th of October in the whale.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

Oh, fantastic.

SPEAKER_03 23:50

Pacific Theatre, February the 12th, for the Galantines. Nice. Um, there's Dungarvin's April the 30th in Dungarvin. And um, there's more stuff popping up all the time. I'm getting organized now to get because there's been demand for it. Belgium. If any of our Belgian listeners of it in Belgium, yeah, Brussels is invited to Brussels, that's gonna be up soon. Yeah, I think Dunleary um festival as well. So it's you follow me on Instagram, Comedy McQueen or Aidan McQueen, the dates will be there.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

And we'll um we'll we'll link we'll link your Instagram.

SPEAKER_02 24:25

Yeah, I do love the premise because we can all relate to it. Yeah, where you're just sitting down hyper-analysing like moment by moment, and then you're scrolling through the old texts, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:35

Going like, but what was that?

SPEAKER_04 24:37

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

And older ladies who wouldn't have gone through this but went through similar, would say, Oh yeah, I'd be staring at the landline, I'd be going to the pub. She one woman said she would have she'd go to Sack's nightclub, and um, if if she saw a fellow that her friend was interested, they'd ring on a landline and then the friend would appear. And another woman told me that if they met a new fellow, and this is highly illegal, but I love it, they would um have they had one old friend working in the tax office and they were like John O'Duire, can you check it up? Because men would pretend not to be married, and on your old PSI number, you were it was married or not unmarried or something like that written out of my mother. I remember she had that, and she would check out the PSI to make sure he was single or if he was married. Yes, the women always were great detectives, yeah. These pre-favorables, these women were breaking the law.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

What this shows me is that women used to creep the whole time. What is the line that you say on your comedy show? Is meeting somebody, pretending that you haven't pretending to be surprised.

SPEAKER_03 25:42

Yeah, yeah. The most difficult thing about dating is pretending to be surprised when they tell you something that you've already seen. Yeah, you know, from creeping on the top. So I was in France, they were like, oh my god, I absolutely have looked at all 200 pictures of you in France. Oh god, that's fantastic. I love France. Yeah, yeah, I know. And like my mother, oh, I didn't know you'd have a mother. I've already been on her Facebook page as well. Yeah, it's just yeah, yeah, avoiding that. It's a different world. But do men do that? I don't know. They do a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

They do, yeah. Yeah, we kind of do.

unknown 26:16

Do you?

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Well, I know you would, because you're a dead nosy, but well, I just I've just revealed that it crept on her previous um skits on her Instagram page. So yeah, so there you go.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

Well, you can put that down as that podcast research.

SPEAKER_03 26:27

Podcast research, uh comedy research, you know, they they do a bit, but it's never the ones, unfortunately, it's always the one that you're not interested in, and or else you do it in a weird way. They do it in a weird way.

SPEAKER_02 26:38

Do you see the difference between the way girls do it and the weird guy would do it?

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Women will are much more subtle about it. And um men, I mean, a lot of men will ask me out on a line and they will just go, Do you want to go for do you want to go for a drink? Can I bring you can I buy you a drink? Right? Like, no, there's loads on my social media about how I don't drink. They haven't obviously watched it. They'll just have no photo, or else it'll be a photo of the Arsenal uh crest, or a photo of mountains, or a photo of sometimes it'll be like their wife or kids, and you're like, Oh my god, and they will have no game at all, they'll just ask you for a drink, and you're just like, I was so shocked by the boldness of this. Women would never do that.

SPEAKER_01 27:18

You know, actually, on that, can I ask you, is it hard to date when you're not drinking?

SPEAKER_03 27:23

It um sometimes I do though though. I because I used to love date, I loved dating. I would love going. I what I used to do is I would go for a date and I would have like half a nag and a vodka drink before I even arrived, and I'd be all like, hi. And they'd be like, Oh, you're so much fun. I'm like, Yeah, I'm so much fun. And then I'd have two so chill, yeah, two glasses of wine, and I'd be all over the place. And then I'm like, Oh, I'm such a lightweight lies, absolute lies. But um, yeah, I I thought I loved it. The idea of it is nicer than what it was actually because it always ended up messy. It's not difficult, but sometimes men will really go, Why don't you drink? And you're like, Well, I don't want to tell you my whole story, that's for podcasts. Thank you very much. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, same up for the baby triangle, yeah, exactly. And then I do meet people that are also in recovery, so that can be nice. And you know what? For all the talk of Irish people being big drinkers, we're actually the most teetotal nation in Europe. 20% of people don't drink, and it's not that everybody is in a recovery, but I think a lot of people realize oh, I have a bit of a problem with it, and you know, people are being very healthy now, everyone's vegan or vegetarian or that. So it's not the big shock that it used to be. Men sometimes think, oh my god, I can't drink in front of you if you're not drinking. And I'm like, no, you can, it's fine. If he doesn't drink, I drink a lot. If I came in in a sling to a date, would you also pretend not to move your arm? I'm just not going to use my left arm for the empathize with me. So it doesn't bother me at all. I mean, if they were absolutely sloshed, I might think okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:55

I I do like the odd non-alcoholic cocktail, I have to say. Anyway, final question. This has been, I have to say, fantastic conversation. Really, really enjoyed it. But if somebody's listening that is in the same uncertain space, what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_03 29:07

Yeah, I'd say there is a grieving process to accepting that you're not going to have a child, or even accepting that, but you know, you can accept that you might not have a child and be open to having one. And I think it does take a bit of work. I mean, I kind of have this fellowship of my recovery. I can deal with stuff through that. I think counselling would be a good idea. My sister who's not in recovery, another sister of mine who hasn't had a child, has done counselling around that and acceptance, talking to people about it, talking to other women. And it's important to replace, you know, realize that if you do have that maternal drive, that it would be it's good to place it somewhere and just to have faith that you'll be okay and um have faith that you can use it in other ways. And don't you're you know, don't get your self-esteem from uh feeling like feeling that you're a failure just because you haven't done this. It's not your fault. You're not a failure if you haven't managed to do all of these things.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

Well, Adene Lightney McQueen, thank you so much for joining us on the Baby Tribe. Thank you so much. The Baby Tribe is proudly sponsored by Happytomi.ie, the exclusive distributor of BiaGaya probiotics, providing support for gut and oral health for the whole family.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network, a hub for the creative and the curious. Shows are produced in association with Headstuff and the Podcast Studios Dublin. Find out more or become a member at Headstuff Podcasts.com.