One of the questions I get most often is how do I help my child learn to regulate their emotions or my child is struggling with big feelings, how do I help them with that? And you're going to love this episode today where we have a mom and an author and her books help kids regulate their feelings.
Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby? Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent, trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels enough? We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging.
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Thank you for listening to the Discerning Parenting podcast. And today, we have a mom and an author. Her name is Kim. She started writing books to help her son Kyle cope with anger and other big feelings when he was three years old. And they've come a long way since then.
And they hope to share what they've learned with kids and parents who need it the most. Find out how these books about feelings, anger, fear, worry, and grief can help little kids overcome the biggest feelings. Kim, thank you so much for joining us today. And I'd also like to say something. Kim is actually somebody that I've known for some time because she's actually also a member of our family and I couldn't be prouder of her and all that she has done.
So thank you for joining us today, Kim. Thank you so much. The feeling is likewise. I also look up to you and I'm so proud of how far all the things that you've done. Oh, thank you so much. So Kim, tell us about your books. Okay. So like you said, I started writing when my son Kyle was three years old. So he struggled a lot with temper tantrums.
I mean, I think every parent has gone through that, but every child is different and I feel like my son was struggling more than other kids that I saw in my family. So, of course, the normal reaction is, am I doing something wrong? Right? What can I do better to help him? And he loves to read books. Like I started reading to him when he was less than a year old.
And I found that he really gravitated. He enjoyed listening to me, read to him, looking at the pictures. So I thought, why don't I write a book to help him? And he felt good about it because he was also part of the process. Like he helped me think of the characters the characters in the book are actually all of his cousins.
That's why there are so many animals there. And the, I wrote it. With him in mind, and whenever he would have a tantrum, I'd ask him, do you want to read our book? And he would stop and he'd say, Yes, yes, Mommy, I want to read it. We read it together. This was before I even published it. It was just on my phone.
phone on my iPad, no drawings yet. And it would help him, like we'd read it together, he'd calm down. And I said, wow I'm sure there are other kids who might benefit from this. So I really, started drawing and I found an artist to make my drawings nicer. I published it. And since then, so many parents have come up to me and said that my book has really helped their, kids calm down and they really enjoy reading it.
Wow, that's amazing. And I know it took a lot of creativity and also courage for you to do that, because I imagine that here, somehow, kids are not always encouraged to express their feelings, especially if they're so-called negative feelings. Like, we expect kids to be happy and joyful, but when it Yes, but when it comes to expressing anger or sadness, often they're discouraged from doing so, so I'm glad that you're giving your son a safe space to do this, and in doing so, you also encourage other parents to give their kids a safe space to express their emotions.
Yeah, and I love how you said you involved your son in the process. I can imagine that it also increased his self-awareness. Yes. It did, it did. And it's funny because, like, after I published the book, and then, he was already five when I published the book. And he would still have tantrums from time to time.
And then I'd joke with him, I'd say, Oh no, nobody will buy your book. They will say it's not working because you're still getting so angry. Like, too much, I don't know if it's the right term, but for me I encourage him to express his anger, but I don't encourage dwelling on it because sometimes he's already laughing.
Like, I make him laugh, he's laughing, then he'll come back. He'll say, you know, I want to stay angry. Like that. So that's what I tell him.
he can verbalize it and he's aware of it. That is the first step in helping him cope with the feelings. Yeah, yeah. It really peaked. It peaked. If you remember, I reached out to you a couple of times because I got scared. It peaked when he was like four to five years old.
Like, I called it like the Hulk. He would Hulk out, like really. He couldn't contain his anger. And I think some of our listeners can relate. Okay, okay. He'd be like, it would, he'd want to kick something or he'd want to, like, aggression. So I was like, oh my gosh. So what I would do, I knew that his dad also has a bit of a temper.
So when I think that it's already going to escalate because his dad is about to react to Kyle's anger, then I... And I'd say, come on, let's step away, I'd bring him to the room with, I'd help him calm down. Like we tried different ways. Sometimes when I talk, sometimes he gets angrier. So he said that one time, Oh, this is one incident I was so proud of.
He was getting angry over something trivial. I forgot what he was getting angry at. And then, and then his dad started. getting upset also. Like, Kyle, what are you doing like that? And then I could feel it escalating. I said, okay, Kyle, I trust you. I know you know what to do. We've talked about it so many times.
I trust that you know what to do with your anger. He said, Mom, I can't help it. I can't help it. Mom, I need your help. Get me a piece of paper and a pen, a pen and paper. I said, okay, okay. And then I was rushing. And then he started writing. Rules of anger. One. Telling me to calm down, help makes me angrier.
Dad's voice sometimes makes me more angry. Wow, he is so self-aware. That's amazing. And I think the process of working through it with him helped him with that. Yes, because he wrote down a whole list of things to do when he's angry, and it was all of the things we talked about, like running around, jumping, drinking water, tearing paper, and then, okay, I have to bring this up, sorry punch beds, he told me that it's not a good way, and I realized it only recently that it makes him angrier when he punches something, so we stopped doing that.
They used to be one of our big hugs. And then sometimes like blowing his face like that gently. He likes that. And then stuff toys like playing or telling jokes. So I was like, Oh my gosh, it was all of the patients work because it really took so much patience and such a long time. Like when he would get angry.
Of course, when people see it, like relatives, they would comment saying, especially when he was little, right? Yeah. You have to get angry. You have to spank him. Like that. Which I felt, I did it also like one, one or two times and I felt so bad about it and it was counterintuitive. Like, how can I teach him not to hit by hitting him?
Exactly. Exactly. That's something that we hear a lot, like if a child is angry and has a tantrum and has big feelings, sometimes people around will tell us to span, but that's actually not the case. And as we said I'm glad you pointed out a very important point there, which is when they are angry and they have all these big feelings, it does not help if we, as adults, have those big feelings, too, because kids.
Learn to regulate by borrowing the regulation of the adults around them. So. You remaining calm while your child has big feelings is really a huge help to get them to learn to get them and help them learn to regulate. And as you said, it's not something that is automatic that you just do it a few times and then they won't have tantrums anymore.
It doesn't mean it's not working because this is a skill. Emotional regulation is a skill that needs a lot of practice and a lot of brain development over time. Exactly, yeah. So I just want, I mean, I'm so happy about the work that you're doing. Like when I was reading your book, I found myself nodding to so many things you were saying.
I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy there's a book like this. Oh, thanks so much. Yeah. Cool. Kim is referring to the Discerning Parents Guide to Toddler Behavior from Power Struggles to Connection, and it's newly published on Amazon. So be sure to get it there. We'll also link to it in the show notes.
And Kim, we've been talking about your book. But can you tell us the title so that right now they want to go over to Amazon and search for it? Okay, okay the first book is Feeling All My Feelings book. That was the very first one. And then I have the next one, Feeling All My Anger, Feeling All My Fear, Feeling All My Worry.
The latest release is Feeling All My Grief. And it's I wrote it for my dad who passed away four years ago. There's really a lot of heartfelt and lived experience there. And we also use Kim's books at home and my child also loves them. They're funny and at the same time insightful and they're really perfect for toddlers and young kids.
Thank you. So I imagine, yeah. Kim, I imagine you and your kids love books. Tell me about your experiences. Yes. And your tips for reading with your kids and in using books to open up discussions. I always tell parents that books are a great way to talk with their child about. things in a neutral and nonthreatening way.
So for example, instead of telling them something like, why were you angry earlier? Can you tell me? It might be easier to just open up a book about it and then read that story. And then you'll be surprised at what comes up. So could you share your experiences and also your insights? Okay. Okay. So me, I really love books.
I think I was more excited about reading than him and that really helped him grow a love for books as well. So I started when he was around six months old, like I bought a lot of secondhand books. Because there, there's a lot of nice books, right, that I bought. I buy a lot, so I don't want to spend on brand-new
But I also, I mean, I also buy brand new, but most of it is really from the secondhand bookstores. And then I would just read to him like he was lying down on the bed one time. I was so happy. I don't even, I buy all sorts of books for all ages. That book that I remember fondly was I think for maybe three years old and up or three to five years old.
I was reading it to him and he was reacting so much that at six months old, he was laughing and he was So I found it so funny and he was really engaging with the story and with the pictures, my voice, my reaction. So I guess the main tips would be also find a way to enjoy the books that you're reading.
Look for books that you actually enjoy. And then when you read it, they really like it when you are engaging with your voice, with your what you call it, just make a lot of sounds. Yeah, so it's really all about the experience and the connection and the bonding. It's not about the actual concept or sometimes parents think it's about teaching them about what is in the book or even teaching them to read, but it's really more about the experience and the connection.
Yes, that's it. The earlier you start, I think the more you can grow their love, of course, and then as he grew older, there was a time also that he stopped wanting to read books, and I would encourage him by buying books that he interest him. So I didn't focus on educational books. I, he really loved silly books like Captain Underpants, Dogma.
So I would buy those books and it, when he, I would, like, it, it took a lot of time away from the screen, which is, I was so happy about. Yes. Yes. and your books are also. Excellent to read with kids. It's something that kids enjoy they are engaging illustrations, and there's also humor in them.
Actually, Kyle still likes to read our books now. And even the books that he used to read when he was three years old, like, he finds comfort in them. Once in a while, I mean, I don't think the tantrums really go away. I mean, everyone gets angry. So yes, even adults, even adults get bathrooms. Yeah. So now sometimes I still ask him, do you still want to read our book?
He will say, okay. And it still helps. So I'm happy about that. Wow. That's wonderful. Is there anything else you want to share, Kim? Anything else I want to share? I guess I just want to encourage parents who are trying out gentle parenting. I mean, I think there's a lot of misconception about what gentle parenting is.
And if you read the book of Dr. Victoria, you'll have a clear understanding. It's really about setting boundaries in a loving way, in a consistent way. Don't feel bad if you think that it's not working because it's The, the anger or the big feelings are still there. They will never go away, but with your patience, your guidance, I know that your child will find a way to learn from you and to learn how to handle their feelings better and the effects are, I'm sure I'm positive or lifelong.
Right? Yes. All the efforts you put in now will have big rewards next time. So I hope that you check out my books and I hope that they help your child. And if they do, I would love to hear from you. Just reach out to me on Instagram and Facebook. Maybe we can send it or just visit my website kimtsbooks.
com. We'll also link to it in the show notes. Yeah. So thank you so much for that, Kim. So this is a short episode and we're talking about the books, but we actually talked about more than that. We talked about helping kids handle big feelings. We talked about parenting, including some of the misconceptions about discipline and about expressing feelings.
So if you look at my book, The Discerning Parent's Guide to Toddler Behavior from Power Struggles to Connection, And then you also check out Kim's books about helping kids handle their big feelings, so Feeling All My Feelings, and her other books that are about the other specific feelings, so they would work together if you have a child who is struggling with big feelings, because they will help you to handle it.
Help your child express these feelings in a way that is more productive and is more healthy. Because if you have a child who is handling, who is having big feelings, it's not about telling them, Oh, you're not supposed to feel angry or no, you're not supposed to feel sad. That's wrong. It is okay to feel all of those feelings.
In fact, when we see a patient in the clinic, we ask them, Do you know if your child is sad or embarrassed or worried or nervous? And we want to see that they have the ability to express a range of feelings. Of course, if it happens all the time, then it's beginning to affect functioning, then well, that's something else that you may need to speak with a provider about.
But. We want to see that they're able to express a variety of feelings in a healthy way. So we guide them about how to process their feelings, how to understand them, how to verbalize them, and then what to do when they have these feelings so that they are expressed in healthy and productive ways instead of, for example, acting aggressively.
So, Thank you so much, Kim. I enjoyed talking with you today and please check out. Please check out discerningparenting. com. You'll find links to our books. You'll also find a link to a parenting toolkit. That also includes free resources on things like handling tantrums and as well as links to our other podcast episodes.
So don't forget to follow the Discerning Parenting podcast and check the show notes also where there are links to Kim's books. Thank you so much and we hope you have a wonderful week ahead.