We're all gearing up for the holidays right now, so what can we do as parents so that we can have more fun and more peaceful holidays and so that they're not as exhausting for us, especially in handling our kid's behavior? And today, I have with us someone who has extensive experience in handling kids and their behavior to talk with us about kids and holidays.
Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, and the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby? Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent, trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels enough? We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging.
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Hello and welcome to the Discerning Parenting podcast, where we help parents use science and child development to make better parenting decisions. Joining us today is Dr. Marie Irene Ordanza. She comes to us from California, and she has experience in two countries, in the USA and in the Philippines.
She is a bilingual therapist. Who delivers client-centered care and early intervention and behavior management settings. She does this in the community and in home-based settings. This means that she works with families and communities to help kids with their behavior. And she also does this through telehealth and through client assessments.
So she is both a pediatrician and a behavioral therapist. And of course, she also has her experience as a parent. She completed her training in behavior therapy in San Diego at the National University in San Diego, California, where she graduated with distinction. She also brings her background in medicine, pediatrics, and psychology.
So, we are quite fortunate to have you with us, Dr. Irene. Today we're talking about stress-free holidays with kids. So, I know that we're quite excited to have fun experiences with our kids over the holidays. And then sometimes, parents can get surprised when it's supposed to be a fun holiday vacation, or it's supposed to be a fun event like a party or a family gathering, and then we have behavior challenges.
So..., let's talk about this. Dr. Irene, what are the common behavior challenges around the holidays? Maybe are there any top three challenges that you observe? First, thank you very much, Dr. Anolasco, for inviting me and for sharing our advocacy to help parents in the Philippines and around the world.
So, hello, everyone. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, I know that our mom listeners are excited to hear about that and to learn from you. Dr. Irene is a wonderful behavioral therapist, I have worked with her personally, and I have seen the transformations. that she brings in the families and in the kids that she works with.
Thank you very much Doctora. So, the behavioral challenges that, you know, every family experiences are different, but actually, I wrote acronyms for possible reasons why behavioral challenges occur. So there are no specific, behaviors because each family has a different way of perceiving what a challenging behavior is.
But yes I can talk about it, like what are the top three reasons why challenging behaviors occur during the holidays. So holidays can be a happy event, but it can also be tough. So actually, I made an acronym, and I remember it with the word SAD. SAD is an acronym, so it means you have a choice if you want your holiday to be happy or sad.
SAD are the three reasons why holidays can be challenging for families. So first is, S is for stress because there is increased stress during holidays, especially during the Christmas season. So, People all over the world, you know, they spend a lot of money and they make time to buy gifts, decorate their homes, organize different parties, and they do a lot of traveling.
So families have very, very busy schedules. So this, you know, there's a change in routines in our daily activities. And, and, and this can create chaos and have those, different pressures that we have to do for the holidays. Okay. And another thing is during parties, we all have. All sorts of food.
So ranging from, you know, sweet desserts to cholesterol-laden, but yummy. I, I miss actually the lechon. And then, yeah, that's the roast pork. That's a roast pig that's really popular in the Philippines. I guess if it's turkey, which is the main celebration food in the U. S. here in the Philippines, it's lechon or the roast pig.
Yes, and during holidays we forget about healthy nutrition. Yeah. Yeah, and that can actually contribute to behavior challenges, especially with children. And then another thing is, of course, when you have parties, we often stay up late at night. And that results in less sleep and less rest for our children.
And of course, for us, I mean like, for me, if I don't get enough like eight hours of sleep the following day, I need my like, my coffee or my tea to help me, you know, be awake in my daily activities as I'm going to doze off. So, that's the first one, there's increased stress. Another one is A, which is for anxiety.
So, because there's like a huge pressure for us to, you know, give gifts or prepare foods or activities that sometimes they're actually beyond our budget. And, you know, Filipinos are really generous and we try our best to do that. Okay. And then also is most of the time our family's routines change because we do many different activities that can be overwhelming for us and for our children.
So, for example. When we go to the mall and buy our gifts, first there is traffic. There's a lot of traffic when you go to the malls and go home. Second, there are long lines in the cashier. Imagine you bring your three-year-old child and you're queuing just to pay, you know, for the toys and the gifts and stuff.
Third, there can be very loud music and actually, I miss hearing, you know, the, the Christmas songs in the Philippines because they're really upbeat and they're fun, you know, but when you're tired, it can be overwhelming for you. And then we have, one thing I also miss is our paroles or our lanterns with those bright lights, right?
They're like twinkling and sparkling and then you can see them everywhere. You can see them inside the mall or on the road. And, and some of those activities or, you know, things that we see can actually add up to what we call like sensory overload or, sensory overstimulation. Yes, imagine the crowds and the loud music and all the bright and twinkling lights and all of the things going on at the same time can really add and add up and they can really be overstimulating to kids.
Yes, yes, yes, you're right. So, like, I for one, when I'm tired I don't like loud music. Yeah, I want a soothing one so it actually adds to my, you know, anxiety and stress when I hear those loud music, especially when you're not in the mood. And these were disruptive behaviors. So it can range from, that's why there's as I've said, there's no like top three challenging behaviors because there's actually a lot, a big range, a wide range.
So it can cry, you can have tantrums, you can have defiance or being good. You can have hyperactivity or sometimes other kids, they have. Self-isolation or the withdrawal and then you're like, oh, why are you not coming out? You have your aunt and your uncles are here and you're coming out, you know, and maybe that's their way of Self-regulation and you consider that as a challenging behavior for some parents And, and the worst thing is like aggression, maybe like, you know, like throwing things or like self-injurious behaviors, which are actually difficult to handle.
But remember, these behaviors are all forms of communication. So we have to know why these behaviors are occurring. That's true. That's something we want to emphasize. So that child is maybe refusing to come out and greet visitors, not because they want to be difficult. It's not because they hate the visitors they're impolite or rude, or maybe they're having a tantrum or screaming or acting aggressively during a shopping trip or during a long car ride in traffic towards a holiday destination.
It's not because they don't appreciate the vacation, or they want to make life difficult for us, but they are trying to communicate something so thank you for bringing that up Dr. Irene. Yes, Dr. So, you already have said some of those possible reasons for those behaviors, so I'm gonna mention other things too, like, for example during, you know, Christmas season, there's a lot of sweets.
And then, you, your children, or you can also have, like, sugar spikes and crashes from eating too much sweets, which can actually affect your mood, you know? And, Possibly, maybe like you went to, you went shopping and then the following day or the following night, you were not able to sleep well, so that can also add up to your irritability or to having, a bad mood for you and for your children.
So we have to take all those into account. Yeah, that's true. So, as parents, what can we do to hopefully prevent these behavior challenges? And then when they happen. What can we do as parents to help our kids through them? So thank you for that question Dr. Analasko, because I know, like me, I'm a parent, and then I need to prepare actually a lot of things during the holiday seasons because I know that Most parents do their, like, traveling, you know, with their kids and they wanted to spend time enjoying the holidays and the festivities with them.
So I actually have an acronym for it. So it's HAPPY. So HAPPY or SAD HOLIDAYS. Wow. Thank you. That's really going to help all of us remember. So the first one, the first tip, Doctora, is H. It means You should have realistic and clear expectations. So that's for every member of your family. So that's also for yourself.
So like for me, I have a clear expectation for myself and realistically. So like if I'm, if, if my budget is like this, you know, if my budget is like a hundred dollars, I only spend a hundred dollars for, you know, for the children, because. actually having too many expenses after the holiday season can actually contribute to stress and result in, yeah bad mood.
Okay. So, then you have to identify the triggers of your family's anxiety or your, or their disruptive behaviors. For example, you know that your child doesn't like loud noises. So what can you do? So of course, bring something that maybe can dampen or reduce the noise or maybe like bring a headphone with soothing music on them.
So, that your child will not be able to hear that loud noise. So one thing is prevention by knowing the triggers. And second is you have to, you have, your expectation should be developmentally appropriate, especially for young children. Cause sometimes we've been, you know, we want our kids to have fun.
Maybe you have like a four or three-year-old who wants to have fun in the mall, you know, like doing those rides, but they're only two or three years old. So their emotional regulation. Of course, is not as mature as compared to an adult. Yeah. So we have to take that into consideration too. So for example, you went to a party and then it's, it's a long night, so you don't really expect your two-year-old to, you know, to be awake during the whole long night too.
And then one thing is you also have to set limits on how much they can eat or sweets. So having, especially for older kids, cause I know some kids love to eat sweets. So. When you talk to them prior to going to the event and say to them, Oh, you can eat cake, but you have to eat, like, maybe just one piece.
And just remind them, remember what happens when you eat a lot of cake. So setting those boundaries too. The second one is A, which is, it means you have to arrange a routine for your child during the events, such as when you travel or when you have parties. Why? I always tell parents routine is very important because routine actually provides stability and security to your children.
And then, of course, when you have a routine, you know what's going to happen next. And you know what is expected. So as much as possible, you have to make your travel routine similar to your home routines. For example, like me, we love to travel after Christmas. So we actually have an itinerary that my husband and I prepare, and then we tell them to our children.
So this is what we're going to do at this time. If something happens, this is how we're going to adjust. So they actually know what's going to happen next. It's important to communicate. Yes, it's important to communicate with our kids what is going to happen. Although we do like surprises, we can tell them that there is a surprise, but it's important that they know what to expect. Mm-Hmm.
Imagine if, like you're an adult and then somebody gatecrashes a party. Like of course the, so that's like you know, an added stress to you, especially if you don't know them. So that's, I think that's how kids feel when they're not primed or informed of what's going to happen next. That's true.
Next, you have to ask for help. Cause, you know parties can be overwhelming. So, for example, if you go to a relative to visit them for a party, and there are situations that are too much for you to handle, you can ask for help from your your spouse or your sibling or your, parents or grandparents.
So for example, you're you see your child, you know, dozing off or sleeping already. Maybe you can ask them, is there like a room where my child can sleep in rest without, you know, those loud noises and music that actually help, you know, it actually has parents to come up with good solutions for our problems.
It's nice Peace for plan the event together with your family. Okay. Especially with teenagers, because what, yeah, it's like if you'll get their insights, like, oh, mom, I don't want to go this party because you know, that I had a bad experience before with this, you know, with his cousin. So you have to get there.
Other their opinion and their insight to help so that you can understand. Why they don't wanna go to that party, you know, and maybe like, collaborate as you have said, doctor, and negotiate on the terms on their attendance. So our goal is to have that pleasant experience for, for them so that they can, they, they want to come back
and then next be prepared for unforeseen events. So sometimes their plans do not go as like what we want them to be. So, before going out, I actually identify, like, the coping strategies that I have taught to my child. So, for example, my child comes down to having his favorite toy.
So I bring that, especially when we go to new places or unfamiliar events with people that he hasn't seen in his life. So that can also trigger anxiety. Okay. Because having something familiar actually can lessen your anxiety. So that's one strategy that, I do for, especially for younger kids.
But for older kids, I always tell my child that if you are having a hard time, you have to tell to me before you act, before you actually really feel bad. And that I'm, I'm, I will have difficulty helping you. So when he tells me, we talk about it, we go to a quiet place. And then, I asked him what he wanted to do and then we met halfway.
'cause especially for teenagers or, or kids in, you know, in elementary, you have to listen to them that, to what they want because, you know, that's their that's their emotional state. So we cannot actually dictate what they, they, what they should feel at that moment. That's true, Dr. Irene, and I think it's true even for younger kids as well.
And I love what you said. That you taught your child how to recognize when they're about to get angry or upset already. Because when they get to that point where they're really, really very mad or extremely frustrated, it can be hard for them to regulate. But, if they're taught to be aware of the time when they're just about to get angry, they can still communicate it with you, and you can support them in it.
Then that's going to be more helpful rather than waiting for a full-on tantrum or meltdown. So I guess that is why one of the things we've been talking about, in discerning parenting is helping kids be aware of their emotions and express their emotions. So even for younger kids who are just learning the words to communicate this, this is something that we can help them with as parents.
And I'm glad you talked about that. I think that's very important doctora, because when you're at a party and you want to enjoy it, you want your child to enjoy it too. But actually, there are times that as parents, we have difficulty recognizing our child's emotions. So, when you practice that at home and you encourage them, to tell them, to tell their emotions to you, and then you, they feel safe telling.
I think the important thing too is feeling safe. Yes. Because when they feel safe telling their emotions, you know they know that they're not being judged on how they feel. And then of course, aside from accepting your child's emotions, you have so do have, you have to do something about it.
You have to problem-solve together. especially for teenagers. Yeah. Cause they're in that stage that, you know, you have to connect with them. And of course, why the last one is why. So why means enjoy with why at the end. So enjoying means remembering the event with smiles on your family's faces.
Okay. So having a positive experience and connecting with your loved ones during the holidays, actually, they're more valuable than the. material gifts that we receive. So, and once your child and your family is a family experience, you know, you always go back to that memory and you always go back to the event versus something that you remember that, Oh my gosh, I had a bad experience here.
You tend to block it off or push it away. So for every family, what I suggest is to imagine what type of family gathering during the holidays, would you like. For you and for your Children. And then that's, you know, that's yours. You don't let other people dictate it to you. And of course, you make a list with your family and get them involved to create that wonderful experience for both you and your Children.
Yeah, exactly. Dr. Irene. I know during the holidays, we can get to get, we tend to get stressed over things like maybe the decorations and the gifts and the material things. And then sometimes there's also pressure from social media. Oh, there's some sort of activity that everybody is doing. Like, I know there was a time, I think in the US, everybody was getting stressed about doing the Elf on the Shelf tradition.
There are a lot of things that we may see people doing that can be exhausting to us as parents, but it helps to remember why, and in the end, it's about the connection and the relationship that we build, not just during the holidays, but all throughout the year. And I guess if we remember that, then it can ease the pressure off.
It's not about getting every detail perfectly. It's not about that wonderful decoration, but it's really about the memories that we create with our kids. And I guess, as you said, it's also important to respect how every child and even every person can be different. So one child can enjoy a party, meeting lots of people and having lots of games, while another child might like something more quiet.
And even a vacation that usually all kids love, there are certain kids who might not enjoy it as much. So it's also about respecting the uniqueness of each child. And that is what we are all about also, advocating for. Each and every child so that we all recognize that we don't insist on each child fitting into a certain mold like the child has to be like this at a family gathering, a good child is somebody who goes up and greets everybody with a big smile.
That's not the only definition of a good child, but every child can express their enjoyment and their love of their family in different ways. And the same thing goes with how we as families celebrate the holidays. Each of us can choose, depending on what's important to our family and what's important to us, how we are going to celebrate the holidays.
Yes, Dr. Ras. Yeah, so that's why I always keep in mind, like, What experience do I want for me and my, you know, my family every year, it doesn't have to be extravagant. It has to have something that is meaningful, for me and my children. So for example, like, this year we plan to visit churches.
And then I asked my, you know, my, my young older son what church would he want to visit? Although my youngest son, of course, he cannot, you know, he's not able to tell what he wants. Like, with the churches and things, it's a little bit complicated for him, but, telling him ahead of time, like by showing him some pictures of where we're going and what that's our plan so that we can prepare him for that event.
Yeah. Thank you so much, Dr. Irene. We gained valuable insights from you. So maybe we can run through the acronyms again. So are the common challenges. Represented by SAD in SAD. Yeah, so, Dr. S is for stress, A for anxiety, and D for disruptive behaviors. Those are the top three reasons why there are, numerous challenging behaviors that can happen.
For the tips and strategies, we have HAPI. So, H is for having realistic and clear expectations during the holidays for every family member. is for... Arranging a routine for your children. A is asking for help when it's too much for you to handle. P is planning the event together with your family. P is preparing for unforeseen events, like when there are sudden changes.
And Y means enjoy with a Y at the end. It means creating those positive experiences by connecting with your loved ones during the holidays. Oh, that is so beautiful. Dr. Irene. And these are actually the things that Dr. Irene works with. So, for example, when she does behavior coaching and behavior therapy, part of it is she also works with the families about how they can prepare, for example, or how they can communicate.
With their kids about their holiday plans and that's also one of the things that we do in our parent support group, the discerning parents club. So our topic this month is also all about the holidays. So if we want to dive into different challenges during the holidays free activities during the holidays.
So we have that in the club and then each month we also talk about, the parenting topic that is most important to the members of the club. So this is a way to get personalized support in your parenting. So any last words for our listeners, Dr. Irene? So, I guess what I wanted to impart as my last words is, you know, just have fun and enjoy.
This holiday is actually for, you know, celebrating family togetherness and sharing kindness and generosity with other people. Yeah, thank you so much. That is, that is inspiring and also comforting to us as parents. So we look at the meaning of the holiday season and what it really means for us. So if you want to get more support around your parenting, be sure to check out discerning parenting.
com. You can get our free toolkit. We have a toolkit for topics such as handling tantrums, which you may need to deal with during the holiday. So this is free. Then you can download these guides. So head over to DiscerningParenting. com and we'll also link to this in the show notes. And if you want to contact Dr.
Irene, we'll also give you her contact information. Check it out at the show notes. 📍 And be sure to follow the Discerning Parenting podcast so you don't miss another episode where we will empower you with the strategies and the principles to help you make better parenting decisions. Thank you so much, Dr. Irene, and it was a pleasure having you here with us today. Thank you very much. It was a pleasure for me, too. Thank you. Thank you.