050 - Self-Care for Thriving Parents with Dr. Marga Zarraga

Picture this: you're juggling a never-ending to-do list, running on fumes, and wondering if a spare moment for yourself is possible.

In this episode, we have the privilege of sitting down with Dr. Marga Zarraga, a Wellness Physician Coach, host of the public television health and wellness talk show Mindful Me and founder of the Triple R Method for Resilience. Dr. Marga brings a wealth of knowledge and expertise to the table, offering a fresh perspective on self-care for parents. 

Discover practical tips and strategies to sneak in self-care even when time seems scarce. Our goal is to provide you with insights that you can implement immediately, whether you're navigating the chaos of the holidays, embarking on a new year, or simply trying to find balance in the middle of a hectic month.

• Learn more about Dr. Marga's approach.
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The Discerning Parenting Podcast is a free informational resource for parents. As a valued listener, you acknowledge that any information you get from this podcast is for your general guidance only, and ​​must never be considered a substitute for the advice provided by a doctor, therapist, or other qualified medical professionals who know your child specifically. Read our full disclaimer policy here.

Transcript

True self-care is truly going into a mindful journey within and those, the habits that come through, through your self-care time need to be positive habits around all the aspects of self. And that's why I called out thoughts, emotion, and physicality. So I, and remember how I also called out mindful moments.

So you, you're creating daily, regular things. First, it won't be daily because you're trying to discipline yourself. You're trying to build habits, but eventually, they can become daily. And this can be anything from prayers to meditation.  To just to walking where you have both the physical nurturing of your environment, this, you know, getting good sunlight early in the morning.

So all of those, the timing of those habits, the regularity is so important. 

 Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, and the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby? Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent, trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels enough? We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging.

Especially when you're bombarded with criticism and pressure to be the perfect parent. Which, spoiler alert, does not exist. That's why we created Discerning Parenting, the podcast that helps you cut through the noise and focus on what truly matters in your parenting journey. This podcast is jam-packed with valuable insights and practical tips specifically tailored for parents of kids aged 5 and below.

So join us and discover how you can use the combined power of science, knowing your child, and your intuition in making the best parenting decisions for you and your family.   
Often we're so focused on doing things for our kids and we forget to take care of ourselves as parents. Now you may be listening to this as the episode comes out, which means you'll be in the middle of a very busy holiday season. Or maybe you're listening to this in the new year, thinking of a fresh start, or later on in the year, regardless of when you're listening to us.

Today's topic is something that will always be essential, even if you're simply so exhausted or so busy you feel like you don't even have a spare moment to add on a single thing. And you're listening to this while at the same time you're running through the 382 things on your to-do list. Or you're listening to this near the start of the year or the start of the month.

I know you'll be able to pick up something from this episode that will help you right away. 

Our guest today is someone I've known for around 30 years, I realized. I've been running into her in various inter-school events since we were in high school and college. Then she became my classmate in medical school.

Today, I'm proud to say that she's the founder of the Triple R Method for Resilience. She's based in Wellesley, Massachusetts, and has a decade's experience in family practice. She helps people live better and healthier through her transformation guidance practice as a wellness physician coach, and she's the host of the public television health and wellness talk show, Mindful Me.

I'm honored to introduce to you Dr. Marga Zarraga. Dr. Marga, thank you for being here. This is actually like a reunion. I know that is such a warm introduction. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. I mean, I look at your work and how you're helping so many people from all around the world. And I'm glad to have you here so that the listeners of the podcast will be able to learn from you.

And I know they'll be able to take away something that they can do to help them be calmer and feel more peaceful no matter when in the year they listen to this. Thank you so much on you really honor me with all the things you said, and what caught my attention now is, that I've actually come full circle, where, as you know, these kinds of, Opportunities where I reflect with a colleague on health self-care also makes me think about where does the advice that I give today come from? And I just wanted to highlight that my career has made me fortunate enough to be in front of people from all walks of life. I have now had the opportunity to serve the, least, the last, and the lowest of society from my time in the Philippines when we were training in the Philippine General Hospital.

And I've also had the opportunity to listen to the worries and concerns of the wealthiest and the most privileged in society. And I am here to tell you that everyone is in the same boat, managing everyday miseries, and concerns. relationship, love. So, that I think is important in some of the things you and I, Toyang, here we go.

That's what I call Dr. Victoria. Yes. That was my nickname way back then.  It'll just come out. When we have these conversations we've, you and I have been passionate about introducing ourselves as a resource because of the experience that we have had in our careers. In other words, we're guiding people to first seek good information, but also know where the Information comes from and so I feel like your intro is important so that they can get a perspective of who is the person sharing advice and experience today.

Yeah, that's true. We come at you from different cultures with a wealth of different experiences, and you'll see later on in Dr. Marga's work, she blends different cultures and gives a very holistic view of wellness. Oh, and of course, very important for our podcast, Marga is also a mom, so she knows how busy it is.

To be a parent and to juggle all of the demands of parenting and a career and the rest of your life. So can you share a little bit about yourself and your story as a parent, how you came to be doing this work when it comes to wellness? Thank you so much. Yes, I agree. That is part of the story. I migrated to the U. S. with my husband, going into grad school and I had the crazy idea,  of having a child and being pregnant. I, we like to tease, my eldest son that we smuggled him in my tummy on a tourist visa. It was a student visa. So, had my baby while my husband was in grad school.

So that was my first child. Fast forward, I now have a 16-year-old, a 10 year old, and a two-year-old. And it, it is a busy and wonderful time. Like Dr. Victoria, I am a practicing physician. Both with a private practice and an employed job. So it is a busy time and it is I come to you with full authenticity that it is a very challenging time of life and yet also very joyful.

Yeah, and you have both teenagers and toddlers and a toddler. So, I know those listening to us today are thinking that those are two very challenging phases of parenting. And since you also have teenagers, so you're also coming at us from over a decade's experience in parenting. So looking back, so Dr.

Marga, why do you think it's It's important for us to have self care as parents. I know parents hear it all the time, like you need to do self care and sometimes parents end up feeling guilty. I know I'm supposed to do self care, but I just don't have time for it. So sometimes it becomes just a cliche, like, okay, as a parent, you have to take care of yourself.

We've heard of the airplane analogy so many times, like you have to put on your own oxygen mask if you're with a child. So why is it important? And what have you been seeing if you've been seeing what can happen with the patients that you work with in case they, weren't able to, maybe practice self care, how does it affect them?

So I'll tell you that. There's a particular group of people through the years that have come to me for physician coaching and they are usually mothers and they come to me bringing and describing first and foremost what's going on with their child. Mostly teenagers or those that are slow to launch out of the nest.

So the conversation first is predominated by all worries, anxieties, and concerns, everything from marijuana use, poor grades how they're managing a job, and The path that I end up, shepherding them to is more of self-reflection, where they realize that their own journey inevitably impacts their most beloved children, and I I'm happy to say maybe through experimentation, because, I really try to be a good patient. 

And of course, other people have preached those so I. Even if it was challenging, where it seems like the most prominent thing is to devote your time and attention to your child. I fought some of those instincts and would really block. Even from my, my partner, who, like myself, also gets exhausted from all our responsibilities with our children.

Sometimes. I have to tell him, no, this time is for blank. This is what I'm doing for myself. When I did that experimentation, I actually found that my children listened more to the lessons that I preached with action more than those that I preached in words. So that's true. So it's like carving out time for yourself.

And setting boundaries did make you a better parent and I know many of the parents listening would be thinking something like, Why am I always impatient? I'm always losing my temper. I'm always yelling at my kids. My kids aren't listening. So maybe this is something that they can do. As an experiment, just like what Dr.

Marga did. Yes, exactly. And one very concrete thing where, where I just started to feed off those victories was during the pandemic. In the first three weeks of the pandemic I can't forget, I believe it was March 17, 2020, when the lockdown happened. I saw my family started to cope with the stress with comfort food eating, unhealthy eating because of the amount of emotional stress.

And I myself, I was already overweight and I started to gain weight during within a small three week period. And I told myself this can't go on because if, if the three weeks becomes three months, you know, I, it will be really very challenging for me to maintain my weight. So I started on working out in the morning and I would invite my son, my then, I think 10 or 11-year-old son.

To join me even for a portion of the workout. So the workouts were because of it is COVID it was online. It was a group workout, only two or three people. You don't even have to show yourself in the Zoom. You're just following from the living room. And I practically almost forced him and he was dragging his feet through it.

Five years later of course. It started with mom. I'm going to go out for a run because he sees me go out for a run. Mom, I'm watching this, this YouTube of somebody working out because that's exactly what I do. I'm on the, on the, you know, he, he will mimic because he sees there's something good going on with mom.

So I, I've lost, I lost something like maybe 30 pounds slowly and healthily during that time. So those. You know, I obviously don't sit him down on a class and tell him, talk to him about biophysiology. He's just seeing that his mother is healthier, more vibrant, more more with a better temper.

So, he, he just naturally does what seems to be working right. And then now he's like winning track and field. He's a cross-country runner. He's in the junior basketball team. Of course my, I'm not saying that all came from me because my husband's also very much into sports, but my point is. The fitness journey started with him watching me as part of his environmental exposure to fitness.

 And so, like I said, that is a lesson that was not preached, but just witnessed by your children. And, I feel like that's, like, uber effective and just And just actually goes through, I like to tell parents, like I said, I have several mothers have come to me, go through the back door, like instead of, because basically what happens is like the, you, you're bumping heads with your child because this child is trying to find their own journey, define their individuality.

They have to find it on their own. And so it's either they see something in you that they want to imitate, or you bring them closer to a resource person who, you know, takes their fancy or excites them with a passion. But it's never going to be about like a classroom type of thing, blackboard, you have to do this, that, and that.

Okay, do it. You know, it doesn't work like that. And I think a lot of parents are so passionate. Most, and we have to be aware of this, we become so passionate, passionate, but if it's based in fear instead of love, then the fear crosses over and the more the outcome is affected in terms of what we want for our children.

Yeah, that is really something that we advocate, which is parenting with love. And I know that every parent listening to this. podcast wants their kids to be healthier. And one of the best ways to do that is by taking care of our own health as parents. So thank you so much for sharing, your wonderful experience, Dr.

Marga. So now that we talked about how self-care is so important to us as parents, what is self-care? Because I know sometimes when you think of self-care, it's about going to get a salon treatment and then And then a busy mom is going to get so pressured and then sometimes this 

I mean, there are already so many things that parents feel guilty and inadequate about, and you add on this one thing. So instead of being something that is calming, the idea of self-care ends up being something that they are stressed about. But I know, Dr. Marga, that self-care goes way deeper than going to the salon, which is, I guess, a commercialized view of self-care.

So what is it really? Self-care, I'm sure that other people can define it differently, but given the advocacy that I have, I will give you my own take and definition of it. So I believe self-care is a mindful path to one's resilience and path to thrive in everyday life, everyday moments through consistent habits.

In thought, emotion, and physicality. So, I. I think the, the self-care that you and I want to bring attention to is of the deeper type, not to say that having time for beauty and was this spot treatments that there's anything wrong there, but let's just. figure out what exactly happens in those moments.

First of all, the self-care that, that people are gravitating to their, of course, they look good after the spa, like they, their skin is fresh, hydrated.  During that time, the goal of that time is to switch out of everyday life and to just silence the mind. So actually, sometimes if you end up gossiping or like watching something stressful on the news while you're having a haircut, that's also not going to work.

 True self care is truly going into a mindful journey within. And that those, the habits that come through. Through your self care time need to be positive habits around all the aspects of self and that's why I called out thoughts emotion and physicality. So I, and remember how I also called out mindful moments, so you're creating daily.

regular things. First, it won't be daily because you're trying to discipline yourself. You're trying to build habits, but eventually they can become daily. And this can be anything from prayers to meditation, to just To walking where you have both the physical nurturing of your environment that's, you know, getting good sunlight early in the morning.

So all of those, the timing of those habits, the regularity is so important. 

 My, my, one of my friends who owns a fitness club.  likes to say, consistency trumps intensity. So for example, if you tell me you went on a hike, Once a month versus if you just do 15 minutes every day, I would vote for 15 minutes of walking every day over the once a year or once a quarter.

So, yeah. And I know that's good news for busy parents because if we think of the voting one hour, where are we going to get that one hour, but you know, 15 minutes. That can be doable. And there's a lot of research about this, like Dr. Marga. I remember there's this research that says even just 15 minutes of meditation a day already brings health benefits.

Correct. Yes. The, person I initially followed, I follow many people, but one of the PhDs  I followed from University of Wisconsin, Richard Davidson, who's been, he sat with a Dalai Lama, and he's studied the brains of actual monks through brain imaging. And they said that as Within a, within seven hours of, you know, meditation that is stitched through a couple of weeks or several weeks, they could already see changes in the brain evidenced by the kind of brain activity that is  happening in meditation that is different from brain activity while awake, while asleep, or while doing regular conversation or thinking.

Meditation  is definitely using your brain in a way that is healthy and that promotes these what we call alpha waves. Alpha waves that are a sign of deep relaxation and is a space for creative thinking. Wow. So that's wonderful. Because as parents, we need our brains to be working well. If we want to remain patient when our kids have tantrums.

Sometimes we tell ourselves, I keep telling myself not to yell, but I still end up yelling. So These are all ways of retraining our brains to go down calmer pathways. Correct. Yes. And that's I think something that you promote Dr. Victoria is that you want people to make decisions about their daily life based on science based on something measurable.

And that's why I actually fell in love with promoting meditation.  And because I work in different settings, times when I'm able to have a client and sit with them for a long time and other times I only have less than 20 minutes. With a person, I end up sharing advice, which I want to share now. So I've, I've been sharing the tip of using binaural beats.

Binaural beats are B I N A U R A L beats, B E A T S. And it's helped me go into an almost automatic habit where I keep a recording of binaural beats. On my phone you can also use other apps or even YouTube. And once I play it also it's best played using earphones. I start and I just breathe and I'm, I just sit.

And just allow my, my thoughts to almost like cleanse themselves. So that's one way that I've impressed on my patients that they need to combine methods of relaxation to address their anxieties and depression. And to not depend on medications that I provide as the sole solution to their unwellness.

Because I tell them that medication has its limitations. Medication, like anything you put in your body, may have side effects. So,  I favor that you benefit from the science, from the med, of the medications. Because that can help you right now, however, the complete solution is a combination of lifestyle and medication to a point where you may be able to return to your baseline where you no longer need medication.

So, that's my nutshell advice that I find as, you know, anxiety and depression are on the rise. During the pandemic, and when not addressed, we know that that can have very catastrophic results too. It's true. So thank you for sharing that very practical tip. So Dr. Morga, if, I know almost everybody listening to us, in this podcast would be a very, very busy parent.

 How would a busy parent fit in self care into their already busy being? I have a couple of suggestions which can range from two minutes to 15 minutes. The two minute one is super easy. It's, I call it the four, seven, eight method. Those, it doesn't matter whether you've meditated before or not. It's two minutes of breathing where you are basically doing four breaths.

Everybody has time for four breaths. If you don't have time for four breaths, talk to Dr. Victoria  and then she'll give you the time in her office to start. Anyway, so the four breaths are simply seven seconds of inhalation and eight seconds of exhalation.  So it is a very good, what we like to call a mini.

To break up the very fast-paced brainwave activity and start to slow it down to an alpha. And you will find that your subconscious will start liking very much this transition from busyness to that slow, relaxed alpha wave state. And again, it takes two minutes to do that. I've timed it. It's only, it's even less than two minutes.

And there's no right or wrong way. Wait, wait, wait, am I supposed to have feel the air go through the left nostril first over there's no right or wrong. There's no nothing like that. It's really about sending a message to your brain that you are in a safe and relaxed state. And that message, the brain will start to say, Oh, I'm more used to this.

Oh, Oh, I don't have to be feeling hectic or whatnot. So I would really. want to concretize that as a first step for most people. And that's been my passion to tell people how to start. So that's my first tip, which is the four, seven, eight method. And on the other spectrum of things I'll give three, the sec, the middle thing that you can do is like what I said put on a timer for seven minutes and play any track that of binaural beats.

So, you basically just pay attention to your breath and you listen to the sound. And my tip for you is to use earphones because the word bi, bi, neural, it's basically two ears. What happens there is. Each ear is going to receive a different frequency, and then the brain interprets it as a third third sound.

So that whole action is, again, like a muscle, you're giving your brain something to process that results in an alpha wave state. Of course, if you're very anxious and you're pulling at these habits at a moment of extreme anxiety, Maybe that's not the best time to use it. That's why I impress on everybody that these are daily habits where you're training a muscle.

It's not supposed to be meant as like a 911 call when you're very upset. And then the last tip I have, which is now a 15-minute habit is Because I also teach weight loss, I recommend this at a fasting state early in the morning. Also good for your vitamin D activation when you get good healthy sunlight.

Before 10 a. m. in general is to do 15 minute walk fasting. Again, and this can build up to optimal levels where they say that walking three miles a day is actually preventive of cancer. 10, 000 steps, three miles they found that people who do this regularly, maybe almost daily have lower risk of cancer for multiple reasons.

But you start off first with 15 minutes, preferably in a fasting state. But the, the habit of walking, is particularly linked to longevity, cancer prevention and if you really want to take it to the next level, include an uphill, uphill climb on a slope because they've seen that, in a particular area, I believe it was Sardinia, Italy, where they have a lot of centenarians And every day those centenarians would walk up to church every single day and their core, abdominal core was stronger because they could traverse, upward slopes.

So again, you know, I'm giving you like the full spectrum way of developing your walking habits, but it all starts with 15 minutes. It really doesn't matter whether it's on a treadmill. or it's outdoors. There's the most important thing is that you start somewhere and then your brain and your body will look for it.

And what's this before you know it, you have more solid habits than when you first started. Wow. Thank you for sharing that Dr. Marga. And I think everybody listening to us today would be able to fit even at least just one of these three things. into your daily routine and you'll see how much difference it's going to make and if you see that it makes a difference in your routine feel free to comment or share it with us email me at hello at discerning parenting dot com and i'm sure dr marga and our listeners will also be happy to hear about this so dr marga I'd like to learn more about the method that you founded and I know that those listening to us are also curious about this.

 So what is the triple R method of resilience? Yes, so, triple R stands for three words that begin with the letter R. The, they stand for review, reframe, rewire. Again, review, Reframe, rewire. So the most important thing to lay out first is that when I do these guided sessions with a person, we actually do them in the alpha state.

That's why I'm a big advocate of the They call it the relaxation technique or the relaxation response, right? I'm a big advocate of the relaxation response by Dr. Herbert Benson, where he defines this as, basically, I'm going to paraphrase that he is promoting that there are many ways to reach the relaxation response.

And so when I do the triple R with a person, We are first in the relaxation response, and then my words, my communications are all about walking them through these three phases of review, reframe, and rewire. And this, this method that I'm promoting essentially is  A method of contemplation but again, done on a scientific-based method of being in the alpha state while you're doing it.

So in other words, you know, it's not like it's a social support session where the goal is to vent. And you know, that is important too. That's how relationships are built. You know, we don't meditate together and develop a relationship. We, we develop that trust because you're able to entrust people with your emotions, your inner feelings.

This is different. This is training your mind to be in a creative state as you navigate your particular challenge. So we first review those circumstances. And obviously the review will be a mix of the positive and negative, and we move on to reframing, what What are the things that can be be built around appreciation, gratitude building blocks for your solution because where focus goes, energy flows, right?

So the reframing is like the beginning step to how do you put your energy towards what will help you rather than what's standing in your way. Because there will always be a mix of both. It's just where you put your attention. And the finally the rewire is essentially almost like a rah, rah, rah like a cheerleading approach of like finding your power words.

That, you know, words are very powerful. And I'm happy to share that gift with those that come to my guidance. I help them find their words the, my gift of communication, I translate into almost like mantras where in the rewiring phase. You find like succinct ways to, to push yourself to maintain your, your inner strength and power.

I feel like a lot of people listening to this, if they're based in the Philippines, find that also in some of our experiences in our faith based groups, right? feel like. application of that in daily life is needed. Like real world application. It doesn't stop and end with the Sunday service.

We need to be able to bring that, that inner strength and power. And so that's what the rewiring state is. To be able to translate, power words and to plug into the self awareness of what's going on in their body when they feel empowered and when they feel like Yes, I have a solution, for example, so yeah, so that's that my best way to explain that in a nutshell without going into a specific problem.

Yeah, wow, that's a very powerful method and I was looking over the stories on your website, and I've seen how people. Share that it's improved their lives, their families, their parenting, even their grandparenting. So, if someone were to work with you what are the usual, challenges that they face before they go to work with you?

And how do they start working with you? Challenges? Well, anxiety is a common theme of folks around parenting and relationships. Relationships could either mean divorce troubled parenting some people also struggle with addiction. Addiction to food, weight management is a common reason why people come also here in the U.

S. There are those who are dealing with the. Stigma of opiate addiction. So those are the people that essentially have masked their emotional unawareness with, with substances, with substance use, for example. So those are the common themes of why people, you know, have. Basically feel they've tried everything, they've tried everything to lose weight, they've tried everything to, to quit their addiction, and so we find what they're ready for in terms of whether they just want to do like the emotional awareness journey, or if they're even open to using nutritional supplements because supplements are very good for the mood.

I actually follow another, you know, Dr. Dr. Naidoo, N A I D O O. She's a psychiatrist who is a chef.  And, was this the, she has several books. If you look her up, Dr. Naidoo, N A I D O O. And she promotes good eating with emotional wellness. So I, I cover some of those options to when, as people try to come up with their wellness plans.

So we start off essentially with, a consult in the chat to see if since this is a very personal relationship we assess each other first, if it's a good match. And. It's not, it's definitely different from my usual one on one clinic. We go deeper, it's more intimate and, you know, people can have to discuss some uncomfortable things and face some uncomfortable memories as well.

So they have to feel comfortable with me first before they dive into, to a regular session. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. So if anybody here wants to work with Dr. Marga. Go to MargaZaragaMD. com, we'll also link to this in the show notes and you'll see more about how to book a consultation with Dr.

Marga and for the parents listening to us also, go to MargaZaragaMD. com. We have a free parenting toolkit that will help you with the different aspects of parenting. And in fact, one of the free guides that we have in discerning parenting is what are the things that you focus on because that's also part of self-care.

I know there are all these, People saying that as parents, we need to do this and this and this. But I also tell parents what are the things that they can cross out of their to do list. So that would be in our Parenting Starter Kit. And that's one of the free guides in our Discerning Parents Toolkit.

So head over to discerningparenting. com slash toolkit. And I also have. I'm also licensed to deliver a hypnotherapy based journey. Which is one of the ways also to practice self care. It's a way also of rewiring and reframing, experiences that we're also going through. And I think these are also complimentary to Dr.

Marga's methods. And if you sign up for my free parenting toolkit, you'll also be in my mailing list so you'll be one of the first to know when I have open slots again for the meditative journey, which I call heart healing. So Dr. Marga, anything else that you'd like to share with us? Thank you for being generous with your time in sharing your methods and the strategies and even stories behind them.

Anything else you'd like to share? I, I just wish everybody listening to this session, a very, a very strong first step towards, I would say a better you and use the information that you gathered today to, to start. That has been my passion. I like to tell people that my goal is to bring you to the starting line.

So if, if you see yourself that this is something that's important to you, if you feel like you want more ease in your life, definitely continue to ask questions, continue to seek out good sources like Dr. Victoria for good information and start experimenting start the journey. Thank you so much, Dr.

Marga. And again you can head over to margazaragamd.  com.  📍 Head also to  discerningparenting. com slash toolkit and download our free parenting toolkit. And be sure to follow the Discerning Parenting podcast. And if you have a friend who's a parent who needs to hear this, maybe you sense that they might be feeling some stress as well, and they would benefit from Dr.

Marga's strategies. Please share this episode with them too. So thank you so much, Dr. Marga. 

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