In this eye-opening episode of the Discerning Parenting podcast, Dr. Victoria delves into the heart of a common struggle for many parents - the battle against yelling and losing patience. With empathy born from personal experience, Dr. Victoria reflects on her journey, not as a parent initially but as an individual grappling with anger.
Frustrated parents often find themselves caught in a cycle of promising to stay calm, only to succumb to the overwhelming surge of frustration. Join us as we explore the profound impact of past experiences on our present actions, even in ways we may not consciously recognize.
Discover the transformative power of acknowledging and addressing the roots of anger, gaining invaluable insights that can reshape your approach to parenting and personal growth. Tune in to this episode for a candid and empowering conversation on breaking free from the chains of frustration and embracing the patient, discerning parent within.
❤️ Find wholeness for yourself, so you can show up better for your family. Come on a HeartHealing® journey to heal the self-doubt, negativity, and worry that’s been holding you back from full parenting success.
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The Discerning Parenting Podcast is a free informational resource for parents. As a valued listener, you acknowledge that any information you get from this podcast is for your general guidance only, and must never be considered a substitute for the advice provided by a doctor, therapist, or other qualified medical professionals who know your child specifically. Read our full disclaimer policy here.
I keep telling myself to stay patient and stop yelling, but no matter how much I remind myself, I still end up yelling and losing my temper. This is one of the most common questions I receive from frustrated parents, and I've been in a similar situation. I was still single then, so it wasn't in parenting situations, but I was losing my temper a lot.
It didn't matter how many times I tried to have the willpower to stay calm, and when I became a parent, I knew I didn't want to continue like this. Finally, over a couple of years ago, I found a breakthrough method that let me get to the core of where all This deep anger and frustration were coming from.
And that's what I talk about in this episode of the Discerning Parenting podcast. How what happened in the past can continue affecting us today, even if we don't realize it, and how it can stop us from becoming the parents and the people that we want to be.
Are there days you feel you've had it with the sleepless nights, the temper tantrums, the constant fatigue of trying to keep up with an active baby? Does it feel like you're always working so hard as a parent, trying to do everything for your kids and family, and yet it never feels enough? We get it. You love your child more than anything, and yet parenting is also exhausting and challenging.
Especially when you're bombarded with criticism and pressure to be the perfect parent. Which, spoiler alert, does not exist. That's why we created Discerning Parenting, the podcast that helps you cut through the noise and focus on what truly matters in your parenting journey. This podcast is jam packed with valuable insights and practical tips specifically tailored for parents of kids age 5 and below.
So join us and discover how you can use the combined power of science, knowing your child, and your own intuition in making the best parenting decisions for you and your family.
In this episode, it's the first time I'm sharing my own personal journey and my own experience with heart healing. If you prefer a broader view into how heart healing can help you, search for our previous episodes, Heart Healing for More Calm and Joy in Parenting with Natasha Bray, and also our episode on Why Promising to Keep Calm is Not the Way to Stop Yelling.
Over four years ago, I had trouble setting boundaries. Well, this was an understatement, I literally could not say no, and it was my motto to try and please everyone if possible. In our language and culture, we have a phrase that can be loosely translated as, so others can't say anything or complain. And I'm ashamed to say, I would make decisions not always based on my deepest held values.
But, just to avoid complaints from others. I also didn't trust myself enough to stand up for what I believed in. I had strong beliefs against practices such as physical punishments for kids or shaming or bullying, disguised as loving correction or attempts as humor, but I didn't have the courage to speak out.
All of this left me exhausted, trying to please everyone. Trying to do everything that everyone else wanted me to do for them, even if it meant sleeping less than four hours a night. It left me frustrated inside that I believed I had to stay silent in order to keep the peace. Or avoid conflict and then it will suddenly erupt because I couldn't hold it in anymore.
And I'm ashamed to say there were times when something seemingly trivial will set off all that pent-up frustration and then I would go ballistic. I tried a lot of positive thinking or just keep calm and following self-help books. Now these are great, but during the times that I was really upset, all of these would fly out the window.
And some brain psychologists would explain it as flipping the lid. If you imagine the brain as like your fist. And then your fingers or the conscious mind are closing in on your thumb, like the subconscious. So the subconscious also includes our fight or flight brain or primitive brain. Now methods like positive thinking and just keep calm rely on the conscious mind.
But when we're upset, we have flipped the lid. So imagine the fingers have flipped. and expose the fight or flight brain and the conscious mind stops working and the automatic reactions that have been programmed into the subconscious mind since we were young kids, even before we remember it, have taken over.
For example, if as babies and kids, we heard yelling and anger, then the programmed angry reaction can take over. And these programmed reactions that are wired into our brains can get in the way of us becoming the parents that we want to be. Now, I had always known That in early childhood, I'd received physical abuse as well as emotional abuse and emotional neglect at the hands of the nanny who took care of me full time.
She took care of me for over three years. She was my main caregiver from the time I was one until after I turned four. But I thought it was no big deal because I hardly remember it. In fact, growing up in the eighties and in the nineties, abuse at the hands of a nanny was actually a topic of jokes and made fun of.
And it was said, you know, it's no big deal. At least it's not from the parents. And. Of course, I did not have any physical scars. I was also fed and clothed and kept clean, so I had everything I needed, or so they thought at that time. Then when I was going through heart healing, I understood, not only intellectually, but also physically.
How these early years did leave a lasting impact, but the wonderful thing about heart healing is it does this in a way that is empowering and does not make us relieve that trauma that we had. It showed me how This nanny most likely had mental health problems herself. She was crying most of the time, and I saw myself trying to approach and engage with her as a young toddler, and she would simply get angrier and angrier.
As a result, and because I was an only child, I did not have anyone else to talk or engage with except her. This meant that during the time the brain pathways were being laid out, the majority of the day-to-day interactions I experienced were filled with anger and rejection. But the wonderful thing about the brain is that because of neuroplasticity, it can be rewired.
Heart healing has helped me reprogram the subconscious, so it no longer defaults to the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn reactions. Fight would be things like getting angry. Flight would be avoiding, for example, waffling in making decisions or always second-guessing ourselves. Freezing could also be manifested as being unable to make decisions or feeling like we're unable to function in the day-to-day.
Fawn would be people pleasing, always putting everybody else first before ourselves and never valuing ourselves enough. All this work has given me the courage to speak up when I need to, to discern when to say no and when to say yes wholeheartedly and with confidence. In fact, this podcast, as well as my books, would not have been possible without this newfound confidence.
And most of all, in my family, it has allowed me to be more compassionate with myself and my loved ones. It has allowed me to stop listening to the voices that tell me, you need to make your child afraid of you so that your child will behave. And it allowed me to truly believe and act in a way. That I, that lets me parent my child with love.
And I realized that many of the parents I work with would benefit from the same healing journey I went through. I've seen how so many parents don't trust themselves. They constantly don't feel enough. They always second-guess whether they were making the right decisions. So they would ask themselves, was I too strict?
Am I spoiling my child? Is my child missing out? If I don't get whatever it is, this latest thing is. On the other hand, they also questioned myself, does my child have too many things already? Now, today, parenting has gotten so confusing that for many moms, no matter what they do, they feel like they're doing something wrong.
Now, everyone's experience is different. For some, it may have been growing up in a household where they were punished harshly for the small mistakes that are part of being a child. Or they witnessed someone, maybe a sibling, being punished in this way. For others, it may be experiencing criticism and hardly any praise.
Like I've worked with clients who said, While I was growing up, my parents never praised me. In the only way I knew I was doing well, is if my parents can no longer say anything and are only silent.
Now, it doesn't matter how many times we hear the parenting strategies, because these are just in the conscious mind. There had to be a subconscious transformation as well. So, When that critical moment comes in, like that tantrum, where everyone around you is shouting, it's because of spoiling. You need to punish your child or you're doing it wrong.
We can respond according to what we discern to be the best parenting strategy for the situation. This is why I decided to start my training in mind body medicine, as well as become one of the first fully trained heart healing practitioners in the world. This was not a decision I made lightly, but I decided this only after a review of the evidence and how modalities like these can be used.
Have the potential to rewire the brain. This is something that we can see in brain imaging studies, and there is the potential to even change the DNA. So we do not pass on the trauma we experienced to the next generation. This growing body of evidence is just starting, and I believe we'll see even more evidence in the years to come.
this isn't just something that I experienced. Let me share with you the story of a client of mine who'd hit a low point. And don't worry, I have her permission to share this, because both of us want you to know, there is no shame in getting support to improve your life. and your children's lives. In fact, it's a sign of strength and courage.
A few months ago, My client, who we'll call Shanna, was under stress. She had terrible work related anxiety and she had clients who were angry and critical. Her boss wasn't supportive. In fact, , her superiors shrugged. And simply put more strain and stress on her instead of helping her find solutions.
And Shanna tried different things to improve the situation, but nothing seemed to change their animosity towards her. What she felt was animosity. She had to continue to work with them or else she would lose her job. And Shanna continued to worry and stress, and before long, it was all consuming. It started interfering with her mood at home.
She felt resentful and stuck, and often she'd find herself yelling or scolding her kids more harshly than she realized. Then one day, Shanna yelled so much that as she looked at her daughter's little face, she knew she couldn't deal with the strain anymore. She knew that it's not her daughter's fault that she's miserable, but it was a programmed reaction and it felt like her emotions were running away with her, and she knew something had to change.
She wondered what had happened to her patient, happy self. She felt that her daughters deserved better than what they were getting. She knew then and there that this was the tipping point. She called her doctor and she scheduled an appointment. She went in, was honest with her practitioner, and started on a path towards self help.
She wanted her daughters to see her as strong and loving. She wanted them to see her take steps to fix the situation and handle her troubles. And she wanted them to To look at her again as their loving mom, their safe and trusted person. If you're handling a personal struggle and it's affecting your parenting, professionally trained health and wellness professionals have the tools to help you.
Counseling, and therapy, and even medication can all help. And one such modality is heart healing. This will take you on a meditative journey. It combines both mindset and emotional work to help make your heart feel whole and help you handle self-doubt and overwhelm. You'll be able to tackle life's challenges from a place of strength.
And, just like Shanna, your kids will get their positive mama back. And I'd also like to share with you what one of my clients, Laura, said. She shares when Dr. Victoria led me through a session of heart healing, I didn't know where it would take me. I'd been feeling depressed for a few days, snapping at my kids, and feeling physically worn out.
The heart healing brought a pain from my past that I wasn't even aware was still haunting me. I was able to state exactly what the pain was and provide my younger self with the tools to feel whole. I emerged from the heart healing session aware, comfortable, and with energy that had been eluding me for days.
I felt whole. I also felt a stronger sense of love for my husband and our relationship is improving. 📍 These effects are powerful and long-lasting. It has helped me in my parenting journey. It helped my client, Shanna, build a stronger relationship with her daughters, and it helped Laura have a happier and more peaceful family life.
And if you want to find out more about how it can help you also, head over to discerningparenting. com/hearthealing.