In this episode, we delve into a common concern shared by many parents: toddler clinginess.
Our listener's question reflects the daily struggle of balancing parental responsibilities with the needs of a clingy toddler. From crying during restroom breaks to sleeping beside them at night, the challenges can be overwhelming. The impending need to leave the toddler with a babysitter raises concerns about potential anxiety triggers and impacts on their mental health and development.
Join us as we explore whether such clinginess is within normal toddler behavior or if it signals something more. We discuss four key signs that may indicate underlying issues beyond typical attachment phases.
Tune in next week for the follow-up episode where we'll talk about actionable strategies to address and navigate the complexities of parenting a clingy toddler. Whether you're a seasoned parent or facing these challenges for the first time, this episode offers insights and guidance to support you through this journey.
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The Discerning Parenting Podcast is a free informational resource for parents. As a valued listener, you acknowledge that any information you get from this podcast is for your general guidance only, and must never be considered a substitute for the advice provided by a doctor, therapist, or other qualified medical professionals who know your child specifically. Read our full disclaimer policy here.
Today we're addressing a concern from one of our listeners, and it's something many of us can relate to. Here's the question. My toddler is super clingy. He cries insanely when I go to the restroom, he sleeps beside me at night, and I'm with him all day. But soon, I'll need to leave him with a babysitter for the day.
Will this trigger his anxiety? Will it leave a negative impact on his development and mental health? In this episode, we talk about whether this clinginess is normal and four signs that there may be something more. And in next week's episode, we will talk about five strategies to address the clingy toddler.
Welcome to Discerning Parenting, the podcast for parents of kids age 12 and under who have learned the hard way that a one size fits all approach to parenting won't shift the needle for you, your child, or your family. Together, We'll explore intentional strategies that see both you and your kids thrive.
Parenting strategies based on well conducted research in the areas of child development, brain science, and neurodiversity need practical for you. What if you let go of perfect and embrace discerning parenting in your family instead? If you feel like you've been stumbling your way through. And you're ready to leave behind fight or flight mode parenting.
Then this is the podcast for you. I'm Dr. Victoria Angolasco, developmental and behavioral pediatrician and positive parenting coach, on a mission to help you release your parenting guilt, so you can become laser focused on what will truly work for you.
In today's episode, we talk about a common but often misunderstood part of toddler behavior, clinginess. Strictly speaking, a toddler is a one or two year old, but I use the word toddler loosely here. So if you have a clingy three year old or even a somewhat older child, you can use the same principles and the strategies in the next episode.
Now first off, Let me say, you're doing great. It's clear that you care deeply about your child's well being, and you've formed a strong bond of attachment and trust with your child. You're creating a bond that tells your child, I'm here for you, and you are safe with me. These are ideas that need to be ingrained in your child's brain for healthy brain development.
Why? What's the most important factor in protecting a child's mental health? What's the most important factor that will help the child be more resilient and able to face challenges confidently and independently in the future? It's A strong relationship with a loving and nurturing parent. And this strong relationship is something that you and your child already have.
So others may have made you feel that because your child is clingy, then they're not going to be independent and resilient. This is not true. They will need to pass through this clingy phase where they are bonded and attached to you before they can learn to be independent and confident and resilient.
Next, we need to understand what clinginess is. Clinginess in toddlers is not just common, it's expected. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong by allowing your child to sleep beside you or by being there for them throughout the day. I know a lot of parents feel this way. I've heard parents say, I'm horrible because I let my child sleep beside me.
Remember, this idea of a child sleeping in their own bed, in their own room, is an idea in certain cultures in the world. But in majority of cultures around the world, it is acceptable for a child to sleep beside their parents. And I know many parents are made to feel guilty for having a clingy toddler.
I'm sorry. Well-meaning bystanders may notice that a toddler is clingy when they criticize the parent. One of our moms in our coaching program shared, an acquaintance of hers noticed her two-year-old is clingy. And here's what the acquaintance said, get this. The acquaintance told her, you're so selfish.
You've been keeping your child beside you and that's why she's so clingy. Imagine a mom, a loving mom, being accused of being selfish. She was completely taken aback and we reassured her that no, you have not been selfish in being present with your child. Now, before toddlers learn to explore, they need to know that their attachment figure is there for them.
This attachment is crucial for their development. Have you noticed that when toddlers and young kids are in a new situation, they look at you. It's as if they take their cue from you about how to proceed. Now, this is called social referencing. When we work with parents of young kids, we ask them about this because it's an essential milestone in social and emotional development.
And clinginess can be a manifestation of separation anxiety. And what is separation anxiety? It's not just an emotional phase. But it's intertwined with cognitive development, or the development of how your child learns to think. This is because separation anxiety is the result of a very important cognitive milestone called object permanence.
What is object permanence? It's the understanding that objects and people continue to exist, even when the baby can't see them. And it's a crucial part of your baby's cognitive or thinking skills development. Now this usually emerges at around eight to ten months of age. Now this is Skill. Object permanence.
It marks an important leap in your child's mental abilities. But it also introduces the concept of separation. For the first time, your little one understands that you can leave them. And this can be a scary thought. And this fear is what we see as clinginess or separation anxiety. It's their way of holding on to their source of safety and comfort, and that's you.
So when your toddler clings to you like a koala or cries when you step into another room, remember, it's not just emotional, but it's also cognitive. They're processing and coming to terms with this new understanding of how the world works. It can be heart wrenching to watch, but it is a part of your child's development. This can provide us with a little more patience and perspective. Yes, it is challenging when your toddler cannot bear to let you out of their sight, but But it's also a sign of their growing understanding of the world. Now typically, separation anxiety kicks in around 8 to 14 months of age. And this can peak at various stages depending on the child.
It usually resolves by the time a child is 3 years old. But now, we sometimes see it even beyond the toddler years. It can be related to the pandemic when some kids may have had fewer opportunities to socialize outside the home, or some kids may have had to experience traumatic separations from their parents due to illness.
And we'll link more to sources about this in the show notes. Now, while clinginess and separation anxiety may be normal, we also need to know when this behavior might indicate something more. So let's discuss the signs to watch for and when clinginess may cross the line from a normal developmental phase to something that might require additional support.
So here are the five signs. If the clinginess seems to escalate rather than gradually improve, especially as your child grows older, then it may be a sign that we need to pay closer attention to this. Now it's expected that there are some ups and downs, like there may be days your child may be extra clingy.
Like often, we may find it's when they're actually intubating an illness, maybe they're about to have a viral infection or they're not feeling well. Now, overall, despite these ups and downs, we should see a gradual decrease in separation anxiety as children move towards their preschool years between age the ages of three to five. Second, another sign is if the anxiety interferes with their daily activities or development. For example, if a child is so anxious that they're unable to play or interact with others, Or attend child care without significant distress, even after the preparation tips that we will talk about in the next episode, then this could be a cause for concern.
Third, we need to look at whether there are signs of concerns in the child's development and behavior. Are there warning signs of language or developmental delay, or extreme struggles with emotional regulation? Check out our episodes on language development, toddler tantrums, as well as toddler aggression, for more about this.
And also you can ask whether there's something that we call developmental regression. What does this mean? Developmental regression means that a child who has already mastered a skill starts to regress. So, for example, they used to be able to talk and speak in words that are understandable, and they may return to more babyish speech, or they may be toilet trained already, and then they lose their ability to be toilet trained.
So, we need to look into whether this is a reaction to stress or anxiety. Fourth, if your child's clinginess is accompanied by extreme distress, like panic attacks, prolonged crying, or difficulty breathing when anticipating separation, or they're not easily calmed even after you have returned, then this could indicate the need for additional support.
If you recognize any of these signs, it might be helpful to seek advice from your pediatrician or child health provider. They can provide developmental and mental health screening, as well as help you with strategies to manage your child's anxiety, and provide support, and ensure that your child continues to experience healthy development.
Now, clinginess and separation anxiety are a normal part of development, but as parents, it's our job to tune in to our child's needs, and recognize when they might need a little extra support. And we navigate these challenges together so that our kids feel secure, understood, and loved. So this wraps up today's episode on understanding and supporting your clingy toddler, and we're here to explore, learn, and grow together in this journey called parenting.
📍 In the next episode, we dive into five gentle parenting strategies to help your clingy toddler. Be sure to follow the Discerning Parenting podcast on your favorite podcast app. So you don't miss a thing. Until next time, keep nurturing, supporting, and loving unconditionally. And we can select your question to be a listener question that we'll answer. So email hello at discerningparenting. com.