099 - Sibling Conflicts: Step In, or Let Them Work It Out? - with Dr. Pauline Camposano-Marquez

Many parents feel like they’re constantly playing referee between their kids. Sibling squabbles can be exhausting, and the guilt of not knowing whether to step in or let them work it out can be overwhelming. 

In this episode, we dive deep into the topic of sibling rivalry—why it happens, when to intervene, and how to foster a healthy sibling relationship.

We’re joined by Dr. Pauline Camposano-Marquez, a developmental and behavioral pediatrician and a mom of three, who shares both professional insights and real-life experiences raising young children close in age. She discusses:
✔️ Reasons behind sibling rivalry we may not realize
✔️ The trap of always making the older child "give in"
✔️ The importance of modeling conflict resolution at home
✔️ Practical strategies to reduce rivalry
✔️ The hidden family dynamics that shape sibling relationships

Whether you’re dealing with constant bickering or want to lay the foundation for a strong sibling bond, this episode is packed with actionable strategies and encouraging stories too.

Resources & Links:
💡 Download the Discerning Parenting Toolkit for free: discerningparenting.com/toolkit

 📌 Contact Dr. Pauline: pcmarquezmd@gmail.com or 0968-8822252 for scheduling
 📌 Need a developmental pediatrician? Head over to the website of the Philippine Society for Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics - https://psdbp.org/find-a-doctor/

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Transcript

Many parents have said it feels like they're playing referee all the time. They're so exhausted dealing with sibling squabbles. Today, we're diving into a topic every parent of multiple kids can relate to: sibling rivalry. Why does it happen? Should I just let them fight it out on their own, or do I need to step in? Either way, parents can feel a certain guilt about this. We have with us Dr. Pauline Camposano Marquez. She's a developmental and behavioral pediatrician and a mom.

Before I delve into the topic of siblings, I just want to share that I have three kids. They're all actually pandemic babies. My firstborn is four years old, my second one is two and a half years old, and my youngest is 10 months. So, we're really in the thick of toddler and infant parenting.

Wow, you have three kids under five! I know many moms can relate to this, and you are juggling all of this on your own.

Right now, my husband is stationed abroad temporarily, so that makes my struggles as a mom of three extra challenging because I'm the only parent for now that they have. I do have a lot of help—my village. Going back to the question about sibling rivalry, drawing from my own experience and from my children, I know that having siblings, though a blessing, can be hard. So, that’s one mindset I have to understand when I approach my children. I get initially frustrated or react negatively when they fight each other because the first thing that often comes to my mind is: "You shouldn't be fighting. You should love one another. You should cover for each other or take care of each other." But when I react like that, I often forget where they are coming from.

I have to frame sibling fighting within the story behind their sibling relationship. My oldest and my second are only separated by one and a half years, so they’re the perfect candidates for sibling rivalry. They are competitors in the strictest sense because my oldest did not have that much time for herself, for the whole 100% love and attention from Mommy and Daddy. She was just starting to talk when we had the second one. So when the second one came, the impact on her was, "Oh, I will have less time with Mommy. Oh, I will have less time with Daddy. Mommy does not carry me anymore. I want to be a baby."

Sometimes, she would act like a baby again or deliberately take the rattle or bottle of her younger sibling. Where she’s coming from is that she just wants the same love as she did when she was the only child. I have to consider that adjustment, so it makes me less hard on her. I have to understand that when she starts to pick on her little sister, that's a signal to me—she needs more quality time with me.

To the second question—when do we get concerned? I really feel I need to step in and be firm when someone gets hurt. If someone is throwing a toy or name-calling, that’s when I need to step in.

Are there benefits to letting siblings resolve conflicts on their own? I think so. We don’t want to give the impression to our children that conflicts are bad or that disagreements should be shoved under the rug. This can affect adult relationships—people who don’t know how to handle disagreements. There are healthy ways to handle conflict. Resolution doesn’t begin when you have friends in school. It begins, as you mentioned, as early as when you're small. Sometimes, it starts with you noticing how your parents agree to disagree, but it’s especially personal and more relevant when it’s with siblings.

When I say that I let my children argue, I give them space to see how they resolve it, but this is already the outcome of previous months of modeling the right kind of regulation and conflict resolution for the older sibling. Let me give an example. Let’s say there’s a toy they’re fighting over. It’s not even necessarily a special toy—it’s just that my older child gets triggered when she sees the younger sibling with something she doesn’t have. She grabs it, and the younger sibling cries.

What I would do is tell my older child that if she really wants it, before grabbing, she has to give another toy to her younger sibling to distract them. At that time, the younger sibling wasn’t verbal yet—she didn’t know sharing or turn-taking. Distraction was the most age-appropriate way I could introduce conflict resolution. Now that they’re both older and verbal, my older child volunteers before taking a toy. She looks around for another toy, gives it to her younger sibling, and then takes the one she wanted. That’s an improvement from just grabbing and letting her sister cry.

I love that! Two things stand out: first, you taught them the skills they need to handle the specific situation that causes conflict. Second, you considered the needs of both siblings. Sometimes, there’s this burden placed on the older child that they always have to give in. But that’s not true. Even though they’re older, they’re still kids. They’re still learning emotional regulation, which is one of the reasons for sibling rivalry. You put kids together who are all learning how to regulate big emotions.

Yes, and this reminds me of something I used to say: "You’re the older one, so you have to share." I said it a year ago. Of course, my daughter eventually gave in, but I later reflected on my own experience as the oldest of three. I realized that’s an expectation we carry, sometimes even into adulthood. I’ve read so many anecdotes about oldest siblings feeling burdened to take care of their younger siblings and feeling like they have no choice but to wait until everyone else is settled before living their own lives.

There are hidden rules we apply to ourselves, and family dynamics get established as early as childhood. I’m really conscious of that. I want my children to be authentically themselves without needing to please anyone. I want them to enjoy their sibling relationships, not see each other as competitors or as a source of frustration. Ironically, fostering a loving sibling relationship often requires addressing things outside their interactions with each other.

If I want my two girls to be friends, I have to give each of them quality time alone. A major source of their displeasure with each other is feeling like they have to compete for my attention. I make sure to have one-on-one time with each child—both scheduled and unprompted. I also tailor it to their individual needs. My firstborn craves energetic, active play, while my second-born enjoys quiet time, like lying down and listening to music together. When I do this, I notice a significant decrease in sibling disagreements.

That’s so true. Quality one-on-one time between each parent and child is really important. If you want to learn more, we have our Discerning Parenting Toolkit, which you can download for free at discerningparenting.com/toolkit. It includes strategies for handling tantrums, bonding activities, and more.

Anything else you’d like to share?

One thing I did to prepare for parenting was focus on my internal mindset. I’m an older mom, and I always knew I wanted kids. When I was pregnant with my firstborn during COVID, I saw the restrictions as a blessing because they allowed me to reflect on the kind of parent I wanted to be. It wasn’t just about learning how to breastfeed or buying baby gear—it was about preparing myself emotionally. That mindset has carried through as I parent all three kids, despite time constraints.

To all parents out there: Enjoy your child. Sometimes, we focus too much on checklists—resolving conflicts, fixing bad grades—but parenting isn’t just about problem-solving. We’re all human, and we’re all learning. Self-compassion leads to compassion for our children, which helps with co-regulation and emotional connection.

That’s beautiful. Self-compassion is something we really need to remind ourselves of as parents.