100 - Parenting Boundaries That Work (Even When Others Judge You) - with Dr. Pauline Camposano-Marquez

Are you second-guessing your parenting style—wondering if you're being too strict or too lenient? Does it feel like whatever you do, there's bound to be someone telling you you're doing it wrong? You're not alone.

In this episode of the Discerning Parenting Podcast, we're diving deep into that fine line we're often trying to navigate as parents - discerning where to set boundaries that actually work.

✅ You'll discover:

• Why kids need boundaries to feel safe and secure
• The difference between being firm and being harsh
• 3 things to consider when deciding what limits to set

👩‍⚕️ We've shared our own experiences and personal insights as well. 

🛠️ Resources Mentioned in This Episode:

• Download your free copy of the Discerning Parenting Toolkit
• The Discerning Parent's Guide to Toddler Behavior: From Power Struggles to Connection

⭐ Our book Learning by Heart: Teach Your Child to Read, Stress-Free is now on Amazon! Click here to learn more about Dr. Victoria Nolasco's books.

⭐ Check out our FREE Discerning Parenting Toolkit and Resource Library.

⭐ Find out more about our on-demand courses to guide you through parenting challenges.

🎖️Discerning Parenting is now one of the TOP 20 PARENTING PODCASTS on Feedspot! 

The Discerning Parenting Podcast is a free informational resource for parents. As a valued listener, you acknowledge that any information you get from this podcast is for your general guidance only, and ​​must never be considered a substitute for the advice provided by a doctor, therapist, or other qualified medical professionals who know your child specifically. Read our full disclaimer policy here.

Transcript

Am I too strict, or am I too lax? It feels like whatever we do as parents, we end up feeling guilty about it—whether we say “no” or “yes.” There are so many messages running through our heads. We all want to guide our kids and do what's best for them, but a lot of the time, it can feel like walking a tightrope.

Welcome to Discerning Parenting, the podcast for parents of kids aged 12 and under who have learned the hard way that a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work. Together, we’ll explore intentional strategies that help both you and your kids thrive—strategies grounded in research from child development, brain science, and neurodiversity, made practical for everyday parenting.

What if you let go of perfect and embraced discerning parenting instead? If you feel like you've been stumbling your way through parenthood and you're ready to move beyond fight-or-flight mode, then this is the podcast for you.

I'm Dr. Victoria Ang Nolasco, Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician and Positive Parenting Coach. I’m on a mission to help you release parenting guilt and focus on what truly works for you and your family.

Episode Conversation: 

Today, we're joined again by Dr. Pauline Camposano-Marquez, a Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician and mom of three. In our last episode, we talked about sibling rivalry—so be sure to check that one out if you haven’t yet.

One of the things parents often struggle with is second-guessing themselves: Am I being too strict? Am I being too lax? Social media makes this even harder—on one hand, you’ll see messages saying that saying “no” is harmful. On the other, you’ll hear people say you’re a tyrant if you take away a screen after your child’s been on it too long. As a result, actions that are meant to set boundaries are often misunderstood or criticized.

Let’s start with the idea of saying “no.” Saying “no” and setting boundaries are two different things. You don’t always have to say “no” to set a boundary, but boundary-setting is essential. It’s part of our job as parents—helping children understand limits, clearly and consistently, with love and respect.

Take screen time as an example. If a child isn’t ready to manage it themselves, we can simply not give them a phone in the first place. That’s not saying “no”—it’s setting a boundary based on their readiness and responsibility.

And yes, we do get mixed messages, especially from social media. Many young parents face pushback from older generations who say, “In my day, just one look was enough.” But at the core, both parenting styles aim for the same thing: raising responsible, respectful children.

A good rule of thumb is to focus on safety and developmental readiness. For example, when crossing the street, we don’t ask, “Do you want to hold my hand?”—we say, “Hold my hand,” because it's a safety issue.

Toddlers are just beginning to assert their independence, so they may say “no” often—not to defy us, but to express their growing sense of self. We can support that by allowing them to make small choices—like picking what color shoes to wear—while holding firm on non-negotiables, like enforcing bedtime.

Another challenge is setting boundaries in public. When other people are around—especially judgmental ones—it’s easy to feel self-conscious and give in. But we have to remember: those people aren’t the ones going home with us or raising our kids. Our consistency matters.

Kids are smart. If they realize that “no” can turn into “yes” when they cry in front of grandma or throw a tantrum in public, they’ll remember that. Following through, even when it’s uncomfortable, sends a clear message. It teaches them that boundaries are real, even when no one else is watching.

And sometimes, “no” doesn’t have to be final. It can be “not yet,” or “when it’s your birthday,” or “after we finish our chores.” It helps to remind ourselves: parenting isn’t about avoiding discomfort—it’s about stretching our tolerance for it.

Let’s also talk about mistakes. We will mess up. We’ll yell when we’re tired. We’ll say something we didn’t mean. What matters is the repair. For example, when my son pointed out that I was angry, I apologized and explained what I could have done better. That doesn’t instantly fix everything, but it helps us talk through what happened and build trust.

What's okay or not okay can differ across families—and that’s fine. Some parents expect children to speak formally to elders, others don’t. We don’t have to shield our kids from every difference. Instead, we can help them learn how to adapt.

If you're interested in learning more, check out our book on toddler behavior at discerningparenting.com/books. You can also get our free Parenting Toolkit—including our tantrum cheat sheet—at discerningparenting.com/toolkit.

Dr. Pauline, you mentioned something so important: apologizing for how we express ourselves, not for the boundary itself. That’s repair. Saying, “It was right to say no, but I shouldn't have shouted,” models accountability and love at the same time.

That’s the heart of Positive Parenting—being kind and firm. We come from a place of love, but we’re also consistent in our limits. Some of us were raised by authoritarian parents and want to avoid that—but in doing so, we may swing too far in the other direction. Kids still need authority figures. Even if they push against it, it’s comforting to know someone is in charge.

And it’s not about saying “no” to everything. It’s about recognizing what decisions our children are developmentally ready to make, and gradually giving them more responsibility. If we don’t, we risk blaming them for decisions they weren’t equipped to handle in the first place—like using a gadget without rules and then scolding them for overusing it.

Let’s give ourselves grace. Parenting is hard, and the fact that you’re listening to this means you’re showing up and doing the work. You are not alone.

Thanks for joining us today. Be sure to follow the Discerning Parenting Podcast and download your free parenting toolkit at discerningparenting.com/toolkit. See you next time!