Boujee Blondes
Boujee Blondes is presented by Melissa Clarke and Simone Grace.Join the ladies for girly chats full of fun and laughter - chatting about life, relationships and much more in a comfortable safe place. women empowerment and sisterhood is the sense of belonging that this podcast interprets. the atmosphere hopes to provide a safe place for everyone to go for advice whilst feeling accepted and understood. Melissa and Simone share their own life experiences which entails lots of blissful, loving and embarrassing moments but also mistakes throughout life. Speaking to diverse groups of people from different walks of life on various subjects. A weekly episode not to be missed - every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms. If you would like to contact the girls please email Boujeeblondespodcast@gmail.com
Boujee Blondes
“Breaking the Silence: My Journey Through Suicide and Finding Hope” | Melissa Clarke
Trigger warning!!!!!!!
In this deeply personal and raw episode, Melissa opens up about her journey through some of the darkest moments of her life, sharing her struggles with mental health and the battle with planning her own suicide. She reflects on the feelings of hopelessness that led her to rock bottom, the pivotal moments that sparked her healing, and the importance of finding strength in vulnerability.
As an influencer and co-host of the Boujee Blondes podcast, Melissa goes beyond the filters and curated images to share her authentic story, offering insight into how she found her way back from the edge. Through this emotional conversation, she highlights the value of seeking help, the power of connection, and the ongoing journey of mental wellness.
This episode is a reminder that no one is alone in their struggles, and it’s okay to reach out for support. Whether you’re facing your own challenges or simply want to understand more about mental health, this powerful discussion will leave you inspired and hopeful.
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It's the Bougie Blondes podcast with Melissa and Simone, available on Spotify, apple or wherever you get your podcasts. Now let's get bougie. Hi, I'm Melissa. Hi, I'm Simone. Our podcast is serving you, bestie vibes, we are just two country girls chatting about all things we struggle with daily life and, of course, talking about certain issues that some people are afraid to speak about. We give it to you real, while having crack along the way. Remember these are just our opinions, gals, don't take us too seriously. We're just giving you some best friend advice.
Speaker 2:Simone has a rabbit I do and I'm car. He's literally joined to my hip, like he's not letting me go. Come on, come on, habibi uh, what's his name? Habibi habibi is his name, yeah oh, can you? See oh, he's so good I'm sorry, but you respectfully won't leave me alone.
Speaker 1:I feel like a mother. When I seen a fucking rabbit I was like how does one come to get a?
Speaker 2:rabbit called a baby. I'm just too much of a sensitive soul. I mean like, do you know what I mean? Like originally obviously I wanted a dog, but like it's, it is what it is now I have. I actually found a Habibi.
Speaker 1:I actually have a Habibi a Bibi, a Bibi Simone and a Bibi.
Speaker 2:It works literally loving my life.
Speaker 1:Me and Chelsea are now parents yeah, so how has it like been a mom to a rabbit? Like how has life been the last 24 hours? You know what?
Speaker 2:it's the 24 hours have been a roller coaster. I come home from work and I'm not used to the shit yeah, the shit and the piss everywhere. I'm not used to the shit, but I mean inshallah it will come in time brilliant. I mean like, but I love them, I love them. I just love pets in general and I've grown to love cats too. Who would have known?
Speaker 1:yes, so simone now has. Is it whose cat is this that's in your?
Speaker 1:that's my friend's cat yeah, right, well, she sent me. I've seen it on her. Was he sent it to me? I can't remember the cat drinking out of the water. She's like someone's like I don't know why, not the cat drinking out of the water. She's like someone's like I don't know why it's doing this. And I was like, well, I am a pure cat pun. I was like someone who does that because it likes fresh water from the reservoir. It doesn't like water from a bowl, do?
Speaker 2:you know what I mean Very posh and very demure and very cutesy and mindful.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, it's the cutest cat ever Like, seriously. Cutest cat ever like seriously. To be fair, like, well, I have, like it's literally like an animal sanctuary up here with cats, because I have Jimmy who is like, if you've been following my Jimmy story, jimmy, the fact that he's called Jimmy, well, I just meant Jimmy, because he just looks like Jimmy. So we have Jimmy, who's a stray cat that's the cat that bit me um. And then all of a sudden now we have waffles. So waffles come out of nowhere, so waffles is a kitten. So we can, we can, we can train a kitten, do you know? I mean, we can't train jimmy, yeah, but so, yeah, we're getting waffles now, we're getting them neutered and vaccinated this weekend, so he's becoming part of the family.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that what's going on with us?
Speaker 1:we're literally like we're going to have Melissa and Simone's farm soon yeah, literally like Keith was like I am sick of you and cats also as well. I actually sound like this because I have another chest infection. When have I ever been? Well, but anyway um he's like I'm sick of you and cats. I was like keith. They just attract me. It's like wherever I go, cats follow me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you are literally the cat woman yeah, I am, and then I just feel so sorry for them. Even like jimmy after biting me, I still feed him because god bless him I honestly can't take you seriously.
Speaker 2:To the fact that his name is jimmy, but we know jim.
Speaker 1:Jimmy is a cat, jimmy is a cat. Oh no, beans and Jimmy now are just not friends at all, like they literally are going through war through the windows because obviously Jimmy's not allowed in. Yeah, but they're very jealous type of animal then See, I think Beans has that like first child syndrome, you know where he's just he's like Melissa's mine.
Speaker 2:I don't like you waffles why are you in my house and get?
Speaker 1:away from her. Yeah, yeah, I actually read an interesting thing that apparently black cats are like very protective. Really. Yeah, they say black cats are very like protective of energy, so like they're like protection energy. And then it was like um, ginger cats are meant to come into your life when you're going through like times of grief. Um, yeah. And then it said like gray cats are meant to come into your time when you're like trying to reunite your family. So I'm like maybe that's why waffles came along to like try again, make us all united.
Speaker 2:I know some people don't believe in this kind of stuff, but I'm a full believer of of this because, like I don't know where like my like obsession come out of, even with cats, because you know me, melissa, like I used to be terrified like all my life, but I mean, it is what it is. Now, who knows what, what reason this guy has come into my life, I don't know. But anyway, um, I literally had a feck, and I'm not even joking, like you know what. It's so true, with the mixed emotions when family comes to visit when you're living abroad, like it's actually not okay, like genuinely, like I feel like that's why the rabbit came at the right time yeah, but they say like would you say that like animals come into your life at the right time?
Speaker 1:and especially like? I feel like people who say that they don't like cats but then when they actually get a cat, they understand like a lot of like cats, like they just come into your life, they're like oh, I want you to be my owner, now feed me. Do you know they're users yeah, they are users using abusers.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I had my mom and sister over here and it was literally the nicest like couple of days with them ever. And I'm already like counting down the five weeks. It's actually four weeks to Christmas. Like what is going on? Where on earth has this year gone? Because it's scary.
Speaker 1:I actually don't know like crazy, isn't it?
Speaker 2:like yeah did you have a?
Speaker 2:nice time with your mama and sister and all over yeah, I did, but like I'm not even joking and I know they're probably listening, but they're the two biggest shits upon shits, like they don't want to go on a boat, they don't want to go on anything that's high, they don't want to like all the good things. To be fair, like there's obviously things on the flat as well that you can do that are unbelievable, but like the sky pools and all. I was like let's just go here, let's just go here. And then they were like no, no, not for us. No, I was like OK, ok. Then Whatever?
Speaker 2:you want.
Speaker 1:They like, what they like isn't that it, oh, believe me.
Speaker 2:But I mean, I just went with it and we had the best time, we had the best laugh, like literally, it was like the sleepover club with the three of us, like in the hotel room. Like I swear to god, I never laughed so much in my entire life, did you?
Speaker 1:stay in the hotel. The three yeah.
Speaker 2:So the first two nights they stayed with me because obviously Courtney wanted to kind of you know, like she's 15, like obviously I'm away from home. I was like, yeah, stay with me. Because obviously Courtney wanted to kind of you know, like she's 15, like obviously I'm away from home. I was like, yeah, stay with me for two nights. And then got a hotel for the rest of the time that they were here as well. It's really nice, um, but yeah, they loved it here.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'd do anything to just move everyone over here with me, like I know I still need to go over to you, but, lads, if you haven't, simone's mother looks like her sister, like sorry, like he's actually three sisters on holidays, like you're, you're literally up in her ego now, like yeah, well, you know that's my plan. I get with the family, you know she's the best to repair.
Speaker 1:I love my little mumsy, but yeah, she doesn't look like her sister, though it's mad, do you think? Yeah, three little hottie sisters there, huh oh no, she needs a day off.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I literally like it. You know what it is, so it's. It's like it's all go when people are here, when you've worked and stuff like that. Yeah, oh my god. But yeah, guys, I'm not even joking, but he's literally sat on my lap right now.
Speaker 1:He's like I can't I can't, I can't are you sucked in now to like mom life, pep mom life yeah, I am like.
Speaker 2:I'm just like I can barely mind myself. So this is like test, tell me now, I'm just so used to dogs. That's what it is, yeah tell me about what?
Speaker 1:sorry, what does he eat in a day, like what's his go-to food?
Speaker 2:he literally eats seeds, and like lettuce and carrots. Like I'm not even joking, you know like literally like. The only thing is, though, he will never be in my bed, like no really no, I'm telling you, it's different, I think with a puppy or something, but I don't know yeah, we'll see now.
Speaker 1:In a couple of months we'll see how you be in the bed with Simone do you know what I can't wait for?
Speaker 2:to get, like Christmas jumpers, little boots and bring them for a walk.
Speaker 1:We got a lead people always scare me for putting beans on a lead. But now do you know what I mean. Welcome to the weird club, simone. Maybe I'm just rubbing off on you that you're just getting weirder. I don't know what it is Could be. I'm getting weird with age. I don't know what's happening. I have that effect on people. I make people weird.
Speaker 2:You're rubbing off on me from a distance.
Speaker 1:I let people embrace their authentic, weird selves, so maybe it's just like shining through. Now Just breathe.
Speaker 2:Melissa and just breathe. Melissa and simone are here to listen girls freaking out, currently out of an 11 year relationship only four months ago but started seeing somebody recently. We went on a couple of dates extra. I obviously didn't sleep with him on the first couple, but last weekend it just happened. I'm most certain that I called him my ex's name while being proper in the heat of the moment. I'm not sure if he heard it, but I'm pretty sure he did. He's been acting a bit standoffish but hasn't mentioned it. Do I bring it up to try and solve it or should I just turn a blind eye to it? The things, the thing is. I actually do really like him and we get on so well. Please help.
Speaker 2:I just don't know what to do he definitely heard that the fact of the matter is that you called him your ex's name, like yeah, I just it's. I know it could happen, but like I don't know yeah, I just think it.
Speaker 1:It's probably after making him feel really awkward and probably really like shit. Um, but then like things like do happen, especially like if you've been with someone for so long and if it's like the first person that you've been with, like since you've been with your partner, it's like nearly just out of habit, like so like, yeah, do you know, I mean, it might and I I wouldn't, I don't, I just think you need to have a chat with him and explain that you know because, yeah, just maybe apologize if I'm being honest apologize.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just be like look, not sure if you heard it, but I think you did. It wasn't anything personal, it's just because you know I'm so used to like being with this person, my ex for so long. It's so fucking awkward, though, isn't it like? Because if that was a woman and a man did that, I think there'd be uproar.
Speaker 2:Oh, you'd end it straight away like yeah, like you would, like I I most certainly couldn't do it if a man calls me his ex's name, which I hope will never happen. Like yeah, I hope, but like you just don't know, like it's easy, like I know it's easy happen. And I do think, like you do need to have the conversation about it, because I feel like you'll respect it more to the fact that you were aware that you did say it yeah, do you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Instead of him thinking like oh, was she actually thinking that she wishes I was him, or was she imagining him in the heat of the moment, like but that's what you would be thinking, though, like you would be like, oh my god, like she's thinking of, like the ex, and then it's just like it makes him feel like shit and really like insecure and yeah, like, have you been? I wonder, have they been in contact since? Or did he just like, let on, it didn't happen.
Speaker 2:Because that's nearly even worse if he did that, because I think you need to spill the beans and just say it, and you know what. The worst thing can happen is that he's just sacking it off. But I personally think that you should just say it, because what's the worst that can happen, do you?
Speaker 1:think that happens? Should just say it, because what's the worst that can happen? Do you think that happens?
Speaker 2:often no, I wouldn't really say so, to be honest I put my hands up and say it's never happened to me.
Speaker 1:I don't think really people will be groaning people's names. Do you know what I mean? Well, I mean I don't think like really people would be like groaning people's names. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:well, I mean, I don't know what happens in the bedroom, who knows?
Speaker 1:you know what I mean. I don't be like screaming oh Keet, do you know what I mean? Like do you know? I don't know. Maybe I'd be interesting to see like, has that happened? I'm sure it has happened, like to loads of people, but I wouldn't say it's like a common like thing, do you know? I mean, I definitely sound like I'm after like smoking 20 fags. My poor little chest, it sort of collapsed.
Speaker 2:I swear lads, she's Puff daddy like she gives puff daddy on a day To day basis. But no. I think just Owing up to it. Yeah, no, I think Just be honest and he might just even laugh it off and be like it's grand, like just forget about it, move on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, but I still think that he's going to be Deep. Just forget about it, move on. Yeah, I know, but I still think that he's going to be deeply insecure about it.
Speaker 2:God bless him Like do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know, but sometimes, like you know, these things just happen. It's life for you, man, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like that. Do you ever go into a shop, like? And you're like I remember Kate went in one day and I think you meant to say thanks, but meant to say something else at the at the same time, and you end up saying shanks, do you know? When things are that you're thinking of like two things at the same time and you end up like jumbling words and you're like oh god, how did that happen? But like, yeah, oh, we need an update on this. Though, like have he's been in contact? Like do you know?
Speaker 2:we need to, yeah, we need to know.
Speaker 1:You need to spill the beans and the dms, please yeah, but anyway, let us know, best luck with that poor old chap. But look, mistakes happens, for what can you do? Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:what can you do when you can't do nothing?
Speaker 1:can't do none at all.
Speaker 2:Okay, guys. So on this week's topic, we're just going to have a little bit of a sensitive topic, but regarding melissa's own personal experience with mental health and suicide. So we'll just go into talking about how she dealt with it and how she's feeling now and she's turned into her own little butterfly. But, yeah, we'll just sit and have a little chat because she feels like she's feeling now and she's turned into her own little butterfly. But, yeah, we'll just sit and have a little chat because she feels like she's ready to speak about it now and we're all so proud of her and the person who she's becoming. And, yeah, we'll have a little chat and she'll be able to go through everything with you for those who's going through a hard and difficult time yeah.
Speaker 1:So do you know what I kind of like feel not scared doing this. Like not scared that's the wrong words, I suppose because it is like a thing where it's like it's like really vulnerable. I feel like to come out and speak about things like this. Do you get what I mean? Like it's like you're like opening up a part of you to the world that I suppose there's still a lot of like stigmatism around of being like I don't know. There's still a lot of stigmatism, like making you feel that embarrassed about, even though, like if it was me telling someone else, I'd be like that's stupid, don't be embarrassed. But then, when it comes to yourself, it's a different thing.
Speaker 1:But I feel like I am at the point where, like, I'm strong enough to like speak about it, um, and give maybe my perspective on how it got to where it was, and kind of like, when I put up that post a while ago on my Instagram, the amount of men who messaged me was scary, simone, like men, like young men, um, and there was one lad in particular that messaged me and like I just it broke my heart and then like especially a lot of people message me who have lost a family member to suicide as well, um which I think made me realize that it's not just about me like, as much as I might feel uncomfortable doing it, the greater good is helping other people and maybe if someone spoke out like before these people committed suicide, it would have stopped them. Do you know?
Speaker 2:definitely, but you know what it is. It's like when you're going through it, like and you weren't speaking about it, like do you think that was the hardest point, until you started kind of opening up and speaking about it, to get me like how long were you in that place, in that dark place, before you even opened up and spoke, say about to keith, or your parents or or your sister, like whoever it may be?
Speaker 1:see it's a weird one, right, because my version of and I'm gonna honest right, my perspective of someone who committed suicide years ago was they're selfish, how to do that to their family. Right, and I'm ashamed to say that now, right, but that was my perspective of it when you're in it. You don't see it like that. When you say, like, when I can't remember the start or the end point and that's the scary part like I can't remember when it started and how I got to the point of planning my own suicide, I think, like, from going to therapy the last like two years, like three years, it's after taking me this long to kind of like even go back to there, but like, how did it start? Where did it come from? Um, I feel like the main thing that maybe was the catalyst was COVID, but I don't think that was the cause of why I went down like I wanted to commit suicide. Um, I think what happened was COVID happened. Um, and my life stopped. Um, and that was 2020, um, and it wasn't. It wasn't actually that year.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to think, yeah, because it was the 10th of January of 2023, I think yeah, that is so sad like yeah, like the fact that you're even thinking about that like it's unmanageable, like it's like, yeah, it breaks my heart to think that you were going through that. And like we didn't know and do you know what I mean? Like I know I wasn't close with you, with you then, like we're, I think we I only started to know you after COVID. You know what I mean, yeah, so, yeah, like the fact that you were going through this in your head and you were probably acting happy as Larry, with everyone else around you and no one knew that this was going on. Like, yeah, it's terrifying.
Speaker 2:And I always say to people you never know what goes on in someone's head. That's why, in my opinion, like I don't judge at all and like when I do hear about it, like obviously you're kind of like why did they do it? Like what, yeah, made them do it? Like they the perfect life, but you're, they're suffering on the inside and no one seems to know. So I always say you need to be nice to everyone that comes across your path, because you just never know what's going on inside someone's head. And I do think the fact when you were going through it, that you were in COVID, like you were constantly busy, like working, whatever, and I think maybe your whole life, like you said, did stop and you just too much time to think, you know yeah, yeah, so sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was 10th. It's 10th January 2022. I always get confused because you know you're like, oh, yeah, to be honest, I said I wouldn't cry in this, like I was like it is it to be honest, looking back at the person who actually taught that I actually planned the fucking date, like I had everything done, like I had letters, like how I was gonna do it, I don't want to cry now stop Melissa no, I'm actually alright.
Speaker 1:It's just, you know, when you're like, you look back and you're like, how did that happen? Like but no, I'm okay. No, no, I said like I was gonna do this and I'm gonna do it. So it's just. It's not even that like I'm upset, it's just the fact I actually can't believe I got to that point of like. To be honest, right, you get so wrapped up of like you just you don't realize you're doing it. That's the scary thing about it. Like, oh no, I have some more crying. But I think what I need to try to get around to people it's not actually like, and especially people who've lost someone to suicide, like I think this is what I kind of wanted to get out there of like how they think and I'm hoping that like me explaining how I was thinking and kind of give them like some peace of mind of like maybe, why they did it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like it wasn't actually, like sorry, it wasn't um I think covid happened and I think this goes far beyond the cover for me and I feel that, like I can't speak for everyone, but I feel like anyone who actually does go has committed suicide. I don't actually think it's what initially happens in that moment. I think there's maybe, like past traumas that maybe have triggered, as I said, the catalyst that caused it. Um, so obviously I went through COVID, um, I stopped work and, as you said, like I had all this time to think, but I feel like I went through a bit of of an identity crisis. Yeah, so I didn't know really who I was outside of being a makeup artist, and I think it stems back to far beyond just COVID.
Speaker 1:Like I feel like how I deal with trauma or stress started when I started doing makeup. So going back to even like me sitting, I remember, in my room just doing makeup videos was my therapy and maybe I became I feel like I became a bit of a workaholic because I was trying to not deal with issues or rejection, and I think this started from when I was a teenager. So I think that's how far it goes back. I feel that I became very like a wall up, so kind of like a protection and sitting there on my own, do makeup as my protection and was my therapy. That got me into like makeup and I just like I've become a workaholic. I literally have spent my whole life just just working, which is quite scary. Like even speaking to my friends like they would say that I used to miss out on so many like things, like things I should have been doing as a teenager because I was working, working, working like I was doing crazy hours as a teenager, like 60 hour weeks. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:but you know, what, and I know it probably seems hard the fact that you're missing out on so much, but I do think that being a workaholic kind of did save your life. Yeah, because if you weren't, what would you have done until you got to the stage where you were a little bit older and wiser to realize that you actually needed to go and speak to somebody. Do you know?
Speaker 1:Yeah, In a way, yeah, like I feel that, like, like it has its negative look. Everything has its pros and cons, doesn't it like? Do you know where? I feel like that maybe I was probably brought up to be? You have to graft, you have to work, but I feel that and that's. There's nothing wrong with that, but I feel that maybe in my head it became a bit obsessive yeah um, where I and you know me and you're quite similar.
Speaker 1:I can't sit down. I literally cannot stop. Like you know, I'm literally like I have to be good, it's a good thing to have.
Speaker 2:Like it is and I think I don't know if it's just drilled into us in school in Ireland as well as that, like you don't depend on anyone else, you depend on your own self and you know you don't need a man to to fund your life. Like you go out there, you be successful, you be motivated and determined to fulfill your dreams. And I do feel like when you were saying it just now, because obviously we spoke a little bit about it previous but we didn't go this depth into yeah came about, because obviously I never wanted to trigger you yeah on any level at all.
Speaker 2:You just always know that I was there religiously, no matter what, like whatever kind of day you're having. But I do personally feel that I'm actually grateful for you being a bit of a workaholic for that many years, because, no, honestly, like I know, you're come to the realization that, okay, I do need to slow down. But when I slow down, I know exactly what I need to do and what.
Speaker 2:I think about and what's going to help me yeah to, to get rid of these negative thoughts in my head and you know and think of all the positive things, yeah, but back to what you're saying.
Speaker 1:Like I remember being obviously in 20, yeah, 2021, and so kind of. We came out of COVID, we kind of came back working that February, but it was obviously like a big change and I don't really know, I can't. I'm trying to still kind of pinpoint. I think it kind of started maybe in the summer of that year. I just remember feeling very lonely, like not to the fact that I had no family and friends around, and I think that's what I need to kind of message to get out to people. It's not that people are alone, but you feel so lonely that no one understands you. And I think that was the main thing that I have learned from people who are going through mental health or suicide. It's that loneliness and even though, like, I had family and friends around, I don't. It's hard to explain like. And then I remember it getting really bad, kind of around September.
Speaker 1:Like to the point and I know this sounds crazy now people are going to be like she needs to be signed back in, but I could be say, for example, like cleaning my kitchen and about 30 seconds in I will have these. Like it's like your subconscious been like just planned my whole suicide, but it wasn't me, and you kind of were like shit, you know. You're kind of like what the fuck's going on like? And you're like no, stop, stop. And you'd be like don't be thinking like that, don't be thinking like that. And then you just find yourself again back in this ravel of been, like realizing that your subconscious is just taken over, and that's the best way I can describe it. It's like your subconscious mind takes over your conscious mind and as much as you try to stop it and control it, even if you tell yourself, no, stop, stop, and you think you're just going around it'll, it just keeps creeping, creeping, creeping back in. It's like an etiop alive yeah.
Speaker 1:And then it gets to the point where you just you just give up. And I remember one day and this, can I actually say this to anyone who is, if you are, noticing who's going through mental health one of the main triggers for me was I was like right, I'll try explain to someone how I'm feeling. And I remember saying to someone one day been like oh look, I'm really struggling, you know, work isn't busy, and blah, blah, blah. And they turn around and this is still a fucking trigger to me to this day and they turn around and say but you just have to be positive. And that, I think, was the moment that I met up my mind that I was 100% doing it and it's not their fault.
Speaker 1:But in my own head I was like, because I think this is about the third time that I've tried to be like right, maybe you know they'll get me and they'll understand of my mind thinking of how I'm feeling. And then when they say that, I don't know, it's like it just fucking switched the switch in my head. It was really fucking weird. It was such a trigger. It was such a trigger by someone saying just be positive. And I don't know why. Like it just.
Speaker 2:I think it's because I was not being heard, if that makes sense yeah, no 100%, and it's not that, like I know, sometimes you know when you're speaking to family, everyone gets down days where you know yeah it's normal we have emotions.
Speaker 2:Our body is built up with emotions, like it is what it is. But when you're starting to notice people close to you that are feeling, in any type of way, a little bit of a change, a little bit that you can see because you can see science, you can. If you're really, really close with somebody, you can see. Like even with Keith Melissa, you're going to know when he's having an off day, you're going to ask him is he okay? Do you know what I mean? Like yeah, are going to see, and a lot of people do tend to turn a blind eye to things because they're busy with their day. They've things going on like I, I get it.
Speaker 2:But I always say you need to check in on your friends. They might seem on the outside that they are living the best life that they possibly could be living and deep down inside they could be fighting a battle that you know absolutely nothing about. Like, and it doesn't have to be a best friend, it can be a colleague, it can be your partner, it can be your parents, like your siblings, like you don't know.
Speaker 2:So like I just don't understand when people kind of not that they joke about it a bit but they kind of like put it, make people feel bad that they're feeling that way, yeah, instead of actually sitting down and talking with them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I feel like so it was. It's really strange, right, how I felt like I didn't think I was depressed when I was going through that. I feel like you know, when you have a bad day, right, and you have like a really shit day and you want to just like fucking rot in bed all day and you're like having a sad girl bitch like depressed day, fucking rot in bed all day and you're like having a sad girl bitch like depressed day. It's really weird, simone, it didn't like, it wasn't like that, it was nearly like you become. You just completely try to hide it and it's like you know, if you're depressed, you're like, oh, I'm having a shit day, like feel shit, blah, blah. It's like you just don't tell people. I don't know, I can't describe it. It's like your whole brain does a 360 and like flips. I don't know. I honestly I can't like it's weird. Until you've experienced it, you know that kind of way.
Speaker 1:But I remember, obviously because like subconsciously, I planned everything and the this is so strange. But the reason I because people like my therapists and stuff asked why was it the 10th of January? So this is how my mindset was working at that time. I was like right well, I have my birthday on the 3rd, I don't want to upset my family, so we'll just get my last birthday over with um. And then I actually had content due on the 8th of January. This is how like workaholic brain is working. I was like I'll get that out because I don't want to let the brand down. Like just that's how my brain was thinking like the fact that you even like it.
Speaker 2:Just it terrifies me and it actually oh no, stop, don't make, don't cry. Oh, it's just like the fact that I can't now I'm making someone cry no, but it's just obviously like when you're so close, I know they tell you this like you're obviously like, do you know what? Just it's like a piece of your heart, sorry, I know.
Speaker 1:I know what it is like.
Speaker 2:I swore I would be strong for you?
Speaker 1:no, but like I think it is, it's like it's nice to like I don't know, it's like to show people, I don't do you know what my heart went out to the people who families members actually commit a suicide and they're I feel like they blame themselves and can I just say it is no one's fault, like it is honestly that person's own struggles, like the same with myself, like it was no one else's fault. It was stuff. It could be just inner child trauma, like so much stuff that just I think what happened is it was compressed and compressed and compressed years, and not just childhood, teenage stuff. That happened in my teenage years up into my early 20s.
Speaker 1:That was just compressed and what happened was when I stopped, I think it was just like came all up and I had to deal with everything at once, um, and maybe my body put your mind a bit at rest, like everything just started replaying in your head, yeah, and like I honestly didn't think I would be that person, like I honestly didn't think I would ever get to that point, but I knew so, on December 28th, I literally had a breakdown where I ended up telling my family members and Keith and they were like completely shocked, like they had no fucking clue. But a funny story just to lighten the mood when I signed myself into Kilkenny hospital, you can imagine, right, a girl, after having a breakdown, who was about to commit suicide, right, you can imagine what it looked like. Right, walked into Kilkenny hospital and you'll never guess what fucking someone says to me at the door oh my god, you're Melissa Clark. The girl does the makeup, aren't you? I went, oh my god, I.
Speaker 1:Now I, because, obviously, like it took a lot of courage for me to even go into Kilkenny Hospital at this point, like I did not want to go in, but like, deep down, I knew I had to, because, like, deep down, I didn't want to kill myself, even though, like I knew I was going to do it. So I, I knew I had to stop myself. Yeah, um, and then I think I met someone else in the fucking waiting room and I think they were in for something else I was like can you actually make this up Like seriously? But yeah. So then when I got signed in as well now, not on against, right, I'm not saying like not against like the staff in the hospitals, but I feel like I feel like we need to like have some like sort of like petition that there is a mental health expert on duty at all times in hospitals, because when I went into the hospital the woman was lovely, but clearly she just wasn't qualified in this area and I didn't know what to do yeah.
Speaker 1:So when I went in I'm laughing at it now, but at the time it wasn't funny I went in with Keith, right? So for all this woman knew he could have been literally been baiting the shite out of me, right, she goes. When I explained he's not by the way, but no, he's not right. But when I went in and obviously explained everything, the first thing she said to me was why would you want to kill yourself? You have a lovely husband there, don you? I swear to fucking god. Wow, now I know she was. Obviously it's not really her fault because she's not equipped with mental health. Yeah, but like, I'm sorry that triggered me as well.
Speaker 1:Like that, I was like I, honestly I left that, that, that. Like that, I felt worse. I felt like nearly I was. Um, I was kind of like am I making all this up? Am I going crazy? Like, did I just make all this up in my own head? Am I like that's how I left? Um, I, I didn't find the supports great, to be honest. And then I remember I was on. I was meant to have someone calling out to me every day because I was on like feckin' suicide watch. And they actually didn't call out because they rang and said that someone was sick and or she'd be all right, won't you for another few days. That's what they said to me.
Speaker 2:Like, this is what the problem is like, and I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not yeah, I'm not trying to dog anyone in the health services because I know people are understaffed and trying to do their best, but the mental health services in ireland are shit. From someone who's experienced it now, I was so lucky I was a very lucky and privileged case that I had a surrounding family around me during that week that I was literally like watched like a hawk. But if you are someone who is literally has no family or has no support, like you hear so many cases where they do get let out of hospital and the next day they commit suicide, like, and that's the problem, there needs to be a mental health expert in the hospitals at all times for cases like this 100.
Speaker 2:I couldn't agree with you anymore. And it's I feel like it is getting worse, it's getting worse, it's not any better like and I know I say it the whole time, but people that are feeling this way, it's it's coming younger in this generation, like it's becoming more of, like they're starting to feel this way when they're 11 and 12 and then it carries on to their teenage years and unfortunately, some of them seem to turn to drinking drugs and then like it's too late because they feel awkward to talk about it to their family, to their friends or whatever, because they feel weird to talk about it to their family, to their friends or whatever, because they feel weird. Why am I feeling this way? And then it just it happens and it's sad and like I'm getting obviously angry and raging now because, like the fact that you went into a hospital and a woman turned around to you and said, oh look, why would you be feeling that way?
Speaker 1:you have a lovely husband there beside you, like Imagine he actually was the cause of my mental health. No, he's not. He's not dating me, by the way, but it just shows you how people view the world. Would she have said that to another couple? That maybe do you know? I don't know, I just I just it really triggers me. It really, I think the more I went on through, like obviously getting through my own healing journey, it made me angry. Now I look back at it now and kind of laugh, but it's still quite like worrying, like do you know what I mean? Of course, um, but do you?
Speaker 2:feel like that, like you're healed. Or do you feel like that now and again, like you still get like little thoughts. Or do you feel like that your foot, like therapy, has helped you a whole, a whole lot oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:So, basically, when I had to go get like a load of assessments and stuff afterwards, um which I actually have another funny story so I went to get an assessment, um, I think it was like the week after um, or two weeks after, and I have a feeling well, I'm nearly 100% sure that the man that was assessing me looked up my social media before I went in and I have three things that I know he did. So he assessed me, he said something, because I remember a week after I came out, I put up, um a post saying that my diary was open for February. Right, and, to be honest, I did that to give me strength to keep going. Yeah, of course he said that to me in the interview and how would he know?
Speaker 1:yeah, he said um, he was like obviously asking do you want to see? Basically like, do you actually have like a clinical mental health problem?
Speaker 1:I suppose right so, whether like bipolar schizophrenia or all that right, um, and he said something like oh well, you have your diary, so you must be feeling better. You have your diary, you have your book. And I said sorry because I hopped on. It's like there's no way he could have known that unless he looked me up on social media. And then he said something else as well. So I feel like from the minute I walked into that room, I was just basically like there's nothing wrong with you because you're posting on social media. There was something else as well.
Speaker 1:I actually he said something. Yeah, because he's like. He said something like oh, but you're um, or you're active going around or something like something else I have on my social media. And I came out from that interview but, like he's been watching my social media, I said that's so wrong, like he judged me off my social media because, just because I had a couple of posts up, that's a hundred percent like and I don't understand why people think because you're posting on social media that you're okay like yeah, sorry to me, it's your job, yeah.
Speaker 1:But even after that it was like, honestly, for me it was like a coping mechanism. I was like, right, well, if I say I'm going to take bookings for February, I have to keep going do you know what I mean, or if you're taking on collaborations and brands and yeah, you know keeping up appearance and yeah, you know and like and like what I said from the start like me sitting in front of a camera is my therapy in my me time.
Speaker 1:So I still was like, right, I'll do a makeup video to try, keep my mind off it and that's what I was doing. So I found that really unfair. That really hurt me the way, the kind of like, literally. So basically, like I wasn't entitled to any help from the hse. Um, basically I wasn't classified as like clinically depressed, as they call it, so I didn't have like schizophrenia or bipolar or anything like that, and they called it an adjustment disorder, is what they labeled me as um and basically, yeah, like I had to go fund like my own therapy, which is very expensive every week yeah, um, and obviously like I wanted to get better so I didn't mind.
Speaker 1:But like it just makes me so sad for people who can't afford, can't afford it, like they're really in like low incomes, that they can't afford private therapy because they're not basically clinically depressed. Like you can still be suicidal and have mental health if you're not clinically depressed, do you know? Um, so basically my way of doing it is I was very determined to get better, so I went like I did Reiki, I did like therapy every week for like a number of weeks and then I kind of pushed it out and I actually refused to go on antidepressants. I just felt that I wanted to kind of heal yourself. Yeah, and I there's nothing against, like some people do need to do it, but from my perspective I wanted to feel all the feelings just so I could like understand them better. I felt that maybe if I took antidepressants it would have numbed me a bit and I wouldn't have got the. Yeah, it probably would have made you like worse.
Speaker 2:Like you come off them and you're starting from scratch again and like I just knew.
Speaker 1:I knew there was like something, there was like an inner child's trauma there or like that was that was needed to be fixed. So I was like right, I'm after been through it now. So I might as well just like feel the feelings and, to be honest, those weeks in therapy were tough like. They were tough like, yeah, fucking hell. But I am honestly so grateful to my therapist. She's absolutely and I still go to her like today, amazing the girl I went to Reiki to, I still go to her. Like today, amazing the girl I went to Reiki to I still go to her honestly that between the two of them they've been lifesavers they changed your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they changed my whole life, my whole perspective. I'm like, yeah, like I honestly don't recognize that person that I was back then, like, which is amazing, but also makes me really sad and triggered when I look back at myself at that point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course but you know what, like a lot of people do say, like it's easier to go and talk to a therapist about these feelings and actually sit down and talk to someone close.
Speaker 2:But when you do talk to someone close and they do say, okay, you actually need to go and speak to somebody about this to get better, like I do feel like it kind of pushes you more into realizing that okay, I do have a problem, I do need to address it. Because I do think that if you're opening up and talking to somebody, like you're kind of halfway there, do you know what I mean, instead of hiding under a rock and brushing it off. And I know it's hard, it can be hard. Like I personally can't say that I've ever felt that way and touch wood I don't. But obviously I've experienced with you and how you felt, and like friends as well. Like you know it's. It's tough, it's actually. And the one thing that terrifies me anything can switch in anyone's brain in any minute of any day. Like I can't put my hand up and say that ain't going to happen to me, do you know? You just don't know.
Speaker 1:You honestly don't know. And I want to say that, like I was that person, I was like this had never happened to me. I never did. Well, you, actually. The scary thing is, when I still look back, it is like I didn't see it happening, like it's not. Like you wake up one day and say I'm depressed, yeah, like it doesn't happen like that. No, it literally is like a little tiny, like degree, every single day and I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's like the weirdest experience I feel like it was. Like the best way I can describe it is. I felt like I was having an outer body experience through that whole, especially in that whole six month block, like I, I, it was nearly like I was watching myself going around. I just was not myself. Yeah, um, and even looking back at like me doing like fashion videos, I'm like, oh my god, like I remember doing them, but I wasn't there. It was like you can just see it in my eyes. I'm just not there.
Speaker 1:Do you know what I mean? It's? It's mad. But yeah, like I am hands, hands up, hands of my heart. I am like not like that again and even like I don't think I will ever go back to that because I'm so aware now of like the triggers. It triggers the signs that I'm able to, like stop myself which is a great thing with therapy as well like they're able to make you aware of little things, of how to act on them quick and stuff. So look a little sorry. Yeah, so like I'm just, I like I can honestly say that I don't think I would ever go back to that place. I'm not going to say I'm not going to have sad girl bitch days. Of course I will because I'm a girl and hormones get the better of me.
Speaker 2:But yeah, yeah, like so much better, so much happier, I'm content in life and yeah, it's onwards and upwards, and onwards and upwards I'm so freaking proud of you and the boss, bitch and the queen that you're after becoming and you should be so proud of yourself for opening up to the world and everyone around you and hopefully you know, being able to get into someone else's head that's out there feeling these feels and make them more aware of the triggers yeah they're probably going to witness.
Speaker 1:So I just want to say I love you to bits, keep shining and keep being you and keep being that positive badass bitch that you are, because we need you here and we love you a long time and yeah, and just like a note to anyone who is like, from someone who's gone through, like, if you do feel like that you're at that point, as I explained, just feeling so lonely, just try as you can, even if I do you know what, know what I think maybe if I've like, if I actually written it down and maybe give someone a letter, it would have been more powerful than me saying to someone oh, I'm feeling a bit sad today because I feel like it would have been taken a bit more seriously, maybe Cause it's hard to say to someone how you're really feeling.
Speaker 1:Do you know what I'm kind of saying? So like, if you are feeling like that, like, just try, try your best to get people to kind of understand and listen before, like you know, it just gets in in your head too deep yeah, of course, and me and melissa are always here to listen.
Speaker 2:I know I have not gone through this melissa has but our dms and emails and messages are always open so don't be afraid to contact us at any hour, any time of any day.
Speaker 1:We're always there, yeah a hundred percent, but thank you for that. Like, oh, I feel so like scared to let this out into the world, but like we're gonna, we're gonna do it not at all.
Speaker 2:I think we need to kind of send it out and let people listen in, because there's a lot of people suffering in silence that need this little chat.
Speaker 1:So right to finish off with a positive affirmation after that deep, triggering topic. I think this actually resonates quite with our topic. Simone, I've made it through hard times before and I've come out stronger and better because of them. I'm going to make it through this.
Speaker 2:Yes, we can make it through anything, and we're all here for each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was the perfect little affirmation to finish it off. Well, thank you so much for tuning in and I hope no one was too triggered by this episode, but I also hope as well that it does reach the right people and helps people who are maybe going through this or who have gone through it with a family member. And, as Simone said, our DMs are always open, so don't forget to follow us on Spotify, apple Podcasts, on our Instagram, and. Thanks so much for listening. I will see you next week.
