The Seven Primal Questions Series: AM I LOVED?

Many people spend their lives chasing affection, approval, and validation because they’re trying to answer one question: “Am I Loved?”

In this episode, Mandy explores how childhood experiences shape our understanding of love and how God’s unconditional love heals the wounds of rejection and performance-based acceptance.

Key Scripture: Romans 8:38-39

FREE ASSESSMENT: https://primalquestion.typeform.com/to/DmcABGY6?typeform-source=www.primalquestion.com

Faith in Action // Change in Motion

Transcript

0:13

Well, hello friends. Welcome back to the Change Chasers podcast. Y'all, this podcast is all about how we are growing as we are going, pursuing growth, purpose, and transformation through faith and action. I'm your host, Mandy, and today we're continuing our series on the seven primal questions inspired by the work of Mike Foster. Again, if you haven't purchased the book, I mean, obviously I'm not affiliated with this, I am just letting you know, like, what I'm using as a resource for this series because it has blessed me. I am on year four of doing this book annually. Every June, I redo the assessment. Again, if you would like to do the assessment, it is free, and the link for it is in the show notes. So you can jump right on over there. But so far, we have explored two powerful questions. Question number one is, am I safe? Question number two is, am I secure? And so today we're going to be diving into the third primal question, and it may be, I think, probably a very universal question for most everyone in humanity at large is no matter what age or stage of life we're in, the question that we have all asked at one point or another in our lives, no doubt about it, is, am I loved? So whether you realize it or not, I truly do believe that every human heart longs to know that it is loved. Not tolerated, not useful, not admired, not needed. Loved. Deeply, completely, unconditionally. Yet many people spend their entire lives trying to answer this question. They may chase approval. They may seek validation. They might even try harder, work harder. They may even put themselves into a situation where they seek to perform better in the sense of hoping that they can earn someone else's love. They become whoever they think that others want them to be. All because somewhere deep within their heart they are still asking... Am I loved? So friends, if that resonates with you today, I want you to lean in because I believe that God has something beautiful to remind you of in this episode. I sure hope so anyway. But asking that, thinking through that, I guess I would say more so is where does this question begin? And as we've talked about throughout this entire series, our primal questions often begin forming in childhood. The people who raise us become our first lens, so to speak, of understanding love. When love is consistently expressed, children often develop a healthy foundation. But when love feels conditional, inconsistent, absent, or tied to performance, a different story begins to form. Not trying to knock on anybody's parents, but this is the psychology of it all. And I will say that hopefully you guys, I do hope that most of you had a better upbringing than I did. Maybe your parents were physically present, but emotionally unavailable. Maybe they loved you but rarely expressed it. Maybe criticism outweighed encouragement. I don't know what your story is, but I know everybody was raised differently, right? So with the idea that maybe affection was withheld when you disappointed them. Maybe you felt invisible. Maybe you only received praise when you achieved something Maybe you learned that being loved depended on being good, helpful, successful, or needed. Without realizing it, a child begins connecting love with performance, and then the message becomes, "If I do enough, maybe I'll be loved. If I achieve enough, then maybe I'll be loved. If I keep everyone happy, then maybe I'll be loved." That one I connected with the most because if I kept everybody happy, then for one, I wasn't being abused, and so that was always good. That would be a blessing, right? But I thought, "If I can entertain everybody and they're laughing, then maybe I'll be loved." Another thought is some of us may have had in our lives, "If I don't make mistakes, then maybe I'll be loved." And that question quietly follows us into adulthood. How this question shows up later in life, really truly the interesting thing about primal questions is unfortunately, they don't disappear. They simply find new ways to express themselves. For those whose primal question is, "Am I loved?" there are often recognizable patterns. The first is people pleasing. Mm. That P squared action, right? People pleasing. Maybe you're raising your hand and saying, "Ooh, ouch. That's me." I used to be a people pleaser, so I am with you sending an air high five of like, I see you, my fellow people pleasers out there. The struggle really is real. And also, let's talk about another struggle, that you may struggle to say no. You may overextend yourself. You, you may carry responsibilities that aren't yours. And then also, you very well may avoid conflict. You might worry excessively about disappointing others, not because you're weak, not because you're incapable, but because somewhere inside, being liked feels connected to being loved. So you try to keep everyone happy, even when it costs you your own peace. And then the second sign of fear, as we all know, is rejection. Nobody wants to feel rejected. You may replay conversations in your mind. You might wonder if someone is upset with you. You assume silence means disapproval. You hesitate to speak up because you are afraid of being misunderstood or rejected. Maybe you're connecting with some of these statements I'm making today on the podcast. Because y'all, I know that if you've ever felt rejected, ouch, no thanks. Rejection feels especially painful because it touches the deepest question that we're already possibly, if this is your primal question, that you may be asking, "Am I loved?" And so I get it, and I just wanna remind you, you're not alone, that you are seen, you are valued, you are heard, and friend, you are loved. The third sign for this primal question is a constant need for affirmation. Now, y'all, let's be honest. Everyone appreciates encouragement, no doubt about it. Woo-hoo, right? We wanna be encouraged. We wanna know that what we're doing matters. I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging others and kind words, but for someone that is driven by this primal question, affirmation can become oxygen. And so without it, insecurity quickly moves in. You may constantly seek reassurance. You may depend heavily on what others think about you. You may feel emotionally unsettled when affirmation isn't present. Maybe that hits with you, and that gets you in your feels a little bit, and you can just stop and think about, man, it's so hard that when you're emotionally unsettled, affirmation might not be present. Another sign is difficulty believing compliments. Is that you out there, friend? Do you have a hard time believing compliments? Do you think, "Is that really real?" Have you ever had someone say something kind about you, and your immediate response was to dismiss it? "Oh, it wasn't that big of a deal," you might say, or, "Oh, anybody could have done that." You might even say, "Oh, they're just being nice." You struggle to receive compliments because deep down you don't fully believe them. And finally, many people with this primal question settle for unhealthy relationships. Sometimes we accept less than God's best because we're afraid no one else will choose us. We tolerate unhealthy treatment because being chosen feels better than being alone. We confuse attention with love. We confuse chemistry with love. We confuse approval with love, but none of those things are love. The exhaustion of chasing love, oh, my gosh, that'll wear you down quick, right? And so in the idea of just wanting to tell you something today, that y'all, trying to earn love is exhausting because the finish line always just keeps moving. It's a consistent... Like, you know, the, the rabbit chasing the carrot. Like, the... It just keeps moving, and you can never catch up with it to be able to truly receive your reward, so to speak. Reality of it is, you can never perform enough. You can never achieve enough. One thing for sure I've learned in life, you can never please everyone, right? That's probably getting two taps on your steering wheel right now. If you're driving, you're like, "Mm-hmm." It's just impossible because you can never become perfect enough. When your worth depends on other people's approval, your emotional world becomes like a roller coaster. One compliment lifts you up, "Hey, here we go." But then one criticism, boom, d- d- d- d- tears you down, right? One acceptance makes you feel valuable, "Woo-hoo," right? One rejection makes you question everything. That's a difficult way to live, friends. And thankfully, though, I do know that it's not the way that God designed us to live. Because what God says about love, we find in our scripture reference today out of Romans 8:38-39. Paul tells us these powerful words, and I love these scriptures because it says this, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." Mm. What an incredible promise. Notice what Paul doesn't say here. He doesn't say, "God loves you when you're performing well." Mm-mm. Nope. He doesn't say, "God loves you when you have everything together." He doesn't say, "God loves you when you're obedient enough, productive enough, spiritual enough, or successful enough." Nope. He simply says, "Nothing. Nothing can separate you from the love of God." Nothing. Not your failures, not your mistakes, not your doubts, not your regrets, not your past, not your weaknesses, not even the things that you're still trying to hide from everyone else. Because God's love is not fragile. God's love is not conditional. Say that out loud with me. God's love is not conditional. God's love is not performance-based. God's love is not transactional. Say that one, too. God's love is not transactional. God's love is steadfast, unchanging, faithful, and complete. I am so thankful to know that, friends. It makes me take that deep sigh of relief, honestly, because the difference between human love and God's love, y'all, let's just be clear here. Man, we all know that people will disappoint us, that people will misunderstand us, people will leave us, people will fail us, because people are imperfect. That's why we cannot build our identity on human approval. Human love is important, but it was never meant to be the foundation of our worth. Only God's love can carry that weight, because God's love doesn't fluctuate with circumstances. His love doesn't disappear when we struggle. His love doesn't increase when we succeed. His love doesn't decrease when we fail. God doesn't love a future version of you. He loves you right now, in present day, today, in this moment, exactly where you are. And that makes me breathe a, a sigh of l- of relief, honestly, because I get to just simply receive His love. Praise God for that, y'all. I hope you're being warmly reminded of, of God's love and His faithfulness and the characteristics of His truly lovely, pun intended, I guess, but the attributes of Father God. Because y'all, whenever we put ourselves in a place that we are learning to receive what He has already given freely, then y'all, we get to discover as believers and understand that God's love is more of a true experience. It's even beyond intellectually understanding it. But as humans, y'all, even though we might struggle to receive His love personally, we get to be affirmed by scriptures, right? We get to know the verses, we get to know the theology, we get to know the Sunday school answers. But I will also say that I do understand, as human beings sometimes, we still find ourselves getting caught up in still striving, still performing, still trying to earn what has already been freely given Maybe that's knocking you on your knees today and making you stop and go, "Mm, gosh, I feel like I'm getting my toes stepped on and everything else today," because maybe this is for you, friend. Even if this episode is just for you, may you be so warmly reminded today that God's love is not something you achieve. It is something that you receive. I want you to think about that. I want you to allow yourself to bask in the goodness of knowing that God's love is something that you get to receive. So today, if this is your primal question, if you're questioning, am I loved, and you're seeking to become more lovable or, you know, trying to figure out how you can be whoever everybody else needs and wants you to be, I hope that you'll stop, you'll pause, and you'll sit in this precious moment of realizing that you are already loved, not because of what you've done, but because of who Father God is. And so before I do, like, a personal reflection moment that I wanna leave you with, I did wanna share from the book for you to kinda know a little bit more if this is your primal question, as I've been sharing this from each chapter in this series directly to associate with the primal question. If you are loved, uh, or that is your primal question, I should say, then your core fear, ooh, this one, ouch, is being dismissed, unheard and unseen. However, your primal gift for Q3's, they are gifted at loving and caring for others' emotional and physical needs. They create an environment that enables others to feel seen, heard and treasured, and they are relationally strong and well-liked. Those that have the am I loved question, their kryptonite is indifference. But the primal truth statement that we are supposed to replace the question with is the statement of, "I am loved." Primal avoidance is that folks that have the Q3 question of am I loved, they will withhold their hearts from others to avoid manipulation and abuse. Despite needing close connections, they keep people at a distance in order to protect their feelings. So another way to rephrase this question, if this is you, my am I loved folks, then perhaps you should change your questions to, "Are you listening? Do you see me? Do you know me?" And then that way, that puts some action to your thought process. And so hopefully that is encouraging to you to give you a few things to think about as well, straight from the book with the am I loved being your primal question. For personal reflection today, a little bit of a, a moment to take with you, hopefully that you will stop and think about additional questions that I want you to process through is, whose approval are you chasing? And then also my question of, who are you trying to impress? What would happen if you truly believed that God loved you exactly as you are? Maybe also the question of how do you want to live differently? And then also the question of how do you want to serve differently? Because again, remember, like, you're not serving to try to earn people's love, so you might need to change even that, how you're serving differently. And then also, how do you want to love differently? And then how do you wanna rest differently? Those are just some things I was thinking of when I was preparing this, is to give you some stuff to think about. Because I do believe when we become secure in God's love, then we stop living for the applause of people, and we begin loving from the acceptance of God. And y'all, when we can live in that way and that heart posture, I truly believe it is that fantastic F word, which is freedom. Right? We all want to live in freedom without the bondage of worry and uncertainty. So as a change chaser, I wanna encourage you with our Change Chaser challenge this week, even though it is going to be simple. I do wanna encourage you. Um, I want you to read this verse from Romans 8:30, 8:39 out loud, not silently. I wanna re- want you to read it out loud each day, each morning when you get up. And as a reminder, that verse says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, neither anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." Friends, speak it out. That way you hear what you're speaking over yourself, because reality is you hear 100% of everything that you say. Speak truth, speak life, speak love, speak Romans 8:38-39 over yourself, because letting yourself hear the truth will be such a gift. Read that in the morning, read it before bed, read it when insecurity shows up, read it when rejection hits, uh, read it when comparison creeps in. Read it until it begins moving from your head into your heart, because God's truth has a way of reshaping the stories we've been telling ourselves for years. I actually have those two verses written on a little card that I keep sitting in the middle of my kitchen table next to my beautiful little centerpiece. I pull it out every time I sit down to eat a meal, and I read that again and again and again. So that's an idea for you. You might wanna write it down. Put it on your bathroom mirror, just somewhere where you see it, and you can recite that and read it over yourself daily. Friends, as I close out this episode, I do wanna say that if your primal question is, "Am I loved?" I want you to hear this affirmation today that you do not have to earn God's affection. You do not have to perform for His approval. You do not have to prove your worth. You do not have to chase what has already been freely given. The cross settled the question forever. You are loved, fully loved, deeply loved, unconditionally loved. Not because you've earned it, not because that's anything other than who God is. It has absolutely nothing... To do with us having to perform. And as scripture reminds us, that absolutely nothing can separate you, me, us from His love. I hope that sits well in your heart today, in your mind, and in your spirit, that you've been encouraged. I do feel led again, I wanna close out this episode of this question of am I loved with this sweet prayer over you. So if you will, please just join me in this sweet prayer, sweet friends. Father, we just thank You for loving us with a love that never changes. We thank You that Your love is not based on our performance or our achievements or our perfection. Father, I pray right now for my brothers and sisters that are listening, that You will heal the wounds of rejection, insecurity, and even striving. Father, will You teach each of us to rest in the truth that we are fully known and fully loved by You? Help us to just stop trying to chase approval from others and start living confidently in Your acceptance. Father, will You continue to just show us every day that You are always walking side by side us, and that we are never alone. We thank You for loving us and we love you right back. We pray these things in Jesus' name. Amen. All right, sweet friends. Again, I just say thank you so much for joining me for another episode of Change Chasers. It has been a gift, and I do not take it lightly. Thank you for giving me the gift of your time. I do wanna say that until next time, I hope you will remember this truth, that you do not have to earn God's love. You simply have to receive it. Let's keep chasing change and living with purpose. Goodbye, sweet friends.