Moi? Control freak? 👀
Maybe you resemble that remark. 😂
This episode covers acceptance and how letting go of control will lead to having more acceptance of the things in your life.
Acceptance does not mean that you have to like, approve, or want whatever is happening.
Accepting the things happening around you requires a lack of control that may feel daunting at first.
We will dive deeper into the control piece and the feelings that tend to arise when controlling the situations around us.
And finally, we will talk through three questions you can ask yourself when faced with a situation so that you can start creating healthy habits around acceptance!
Take a second to follow, rate, and review the podcast!
Resources:
My 3D Journaling Guide: heathersayerslehman.com/journal
Moi? Control freak? 👀
Maybe you resemble that remark. 😂
This episode covers acceptance and how letting go of control will lead to having more acceptance of the things in your life.
Acceptance does not mean that you have to like, approve, or want whatever is happening.
Accepting the things happening around you requires a lack of control that may feel daunting at first.
We will dive deeper into the control piece and the feelings that tend to arise when controlling the situations around us.
And finally, we will talk through three questions you can ask yourself when faced with a situation so that you can start creating healthy habits around acceptance!
Take a second to follow, rate, and review the podcast!
Resources:
My 3D Journaling Guide: heathersayerslehman.com/journal
Hi and welcome to this episode on acceptance. You might be wondering what acceptance has to do with trying to maintain healthy habits, and I think that's a very valid question. We're going to kind of walk backwards, reverse engineer and talk about why this is so important and kind of some working definitions. Acceptance means you're just accepting something. It doesn't mean that you like it, it doesn't mean that you approve of it, it doesn't mean that you want it. You are finding a place in yourself to understand that this is happening and it's something probably out of your control.
Speaker 1:What I see when I look at people who are pursuing healthy habits, there are times where more of the emotional struggle starts to get in the way. So people are, maybe they're angry, maybe they're resentful, maybe they're feeling like they don't have any control, which a lot of times we don't and this is causing behavior. Maybe I get a reward or woe is me. I don't want to do this. There's some sort of disconnection between here's what I said I want to do and here's what I'm doing. But I see that the control piece is huge for many people Because, again, if something is happening, then the knee jerk reaction is I don't want this to happen. I don't like it when this happens. I want this to stop and the bottom line is I don't like the way this makes me feel. So this is pulling some emotions up in me that I don't care for and I would not like to feel. So then my solution is to try to control the situation. Could be a person, could be a place, could be a thing, could be other feelings, so that I don't have to deal with it. So one thing that you certainly see very commonly it might be something that a partner is doing, and if I can just control my partner enough so that then they don't have this behavior, I don't have these feelings, then I don't even have to worry about it.
Speaker 1:Which to make sense on the surface, but as a long-term strategy plot twist right here, a lot of people don't like to be controlled. I know, I know I was as shocked as you are when I found out, but when we look at this control piece and trying to avoid emotions that are challenging for us, we definitely see I'm in a real pattern and I will say I work more with women than men and I absolutely see it more with women and it can come across in different ways. So people pleasing is a huge piece of. I'm trying to control either the temperature of the situation, the outcome of the situation, so I'm going to do what it takes. So I deal with zero ruffled feathers. I deal with zero emotional blowback. I want to make sure this outcome suits me best and I'm going to dress it up with a very pretty bow and then call it people pleasing.
Speaker 1:The reality is, I'm just manipulating the situation as much as I can to avoid any feelings or outcomes that I don't like, which is really interesting because I think people pleasing gets sort of this wrap of like. You know, I'm just I'm trying to avoid any sort of chaotic or predicted response, and I didn't like it when it was pointed out at some point that someone's like well, that's just manipulation. You're like oh, oh oh, because we like to think of like well, I'm just trying to be nice. It's like well, you are trying to be nice and you are trying to get along and you are trying to make sure everything is as smooth as possible, which is also manipulation. You're trying to control the outcome. So when we are in a place of feeling like things are much better when we are controlling it, and this can also extend to just daily minutia. I've got to reload the dishwasher, because what if this dish doesn't come out clean? Okay, well, there's always the possibility of hand washing or washing it again.
Speaker 1:This control, okay, this was not done right. And now I see this a lot, especially when it comes to child rearing. So, and I mean, both of my hands are raised at this point when my kids were little, both of them because I want things done a certain way. So then I'm either going to take on more responsibility, then I can handle that I like, that I'm comfortable with, and I'm going to make sure that things are done in this way. That works for me. So this is kind of it starts out in a way that you're like yeah, because I feel better when it's done here, it is the right way. Also, now I find myself perhaps doing more because other people are like well, I can't do it right, so what's the point of me even doing it at all? Valid, very valid.
Speaker 1:So when this control piece kind of steps into relationships and child rearing, many people find themselves doing a lot more and then they're resentful of it. It's like, well, you've kind of set this situation up because you needed things to be a way that were that was like very important to you that it'd be done this way. And I've seen this in every scenario of like that's not the right binky, or no, can't wear this onesie, or the diaper is too loose, too tight, it's the wrong one all of the details. And this then continues upwards because the second graders lunch needs to be this way. And in high school, like no, the project was supposed to be done this way. Or when they're in athletics, absolutely not. Like she took off a little bit too soon. She really needs to take a step back, like all of these different pieces.
Speaker 1:So again, this control is done in this self-preservation way of like I don't like the way I feel when that diaper is too loose. I just feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I can't stomach this. I like the way I feel when that diaper just looks great to me, but then you know we're teaching other people around us to like you know what? Don't bother, please don't even bother helping, because you're not gonna do it right. I'm going to embarrass you or browbeat you or go into a lot of uncomfortable pieces, and so, absolutely, you will quit helping and then I will be doing the lion's share, and then I'll be even more mad about that. So I think that so again we're looking at acceptance, but I'm all the way over here in control that this is a piece that causes great discomfort and isolation, loneliness, resentment, anger, and it's one of those things that I think learning to be uncomfortable yourself has a lot of benefits for other people.
Speaker 1:Because, let's just say, somebody's putting up the diaper on too loose Okay, well, if they put it on too loose, then there's an accident. Now we've got poop everywhere. That person's going to have to clean that up, because I didn't put on the diaper, I'm not cleaning it up, so they're going to have to clean that up. And so then that sends a message to them oh, you know what? Maybe this needs to be on tighter next time. So somebody is experiencing natural consequences of their action. So again, if my son has loaded the dishwasher I don't think he's loaded it right. There are things that are still dirty he would be in charge of unloading it and then washing anything that didn't get clean. Natural consequences he has learned two bowls this close don't get clean, so then he will probably hopefully space them out better next time. So natural consequences make us uncomfortable, because now maybe we have the hassle of having that conversation of like no, I'm not cleaning up the poop up, like you put that diaper on. It didn't work out like that's on you, so then we've got a potential for emotional blowback there. Maybe my son is now throwing a fit because he's got to fix what he didn't do correctly in the first place and that's just the way life works. So I think it is very beneficial for people to experience natural consequences.
Speaker 1:One thing I think that certainly I hear from my friends that work in higher education now education in general is that many kids are not being brought up in a way that they experience natural consequences. They get their homework brought to school, they get their musical instrument brought to school. My friends in higher education have parents, even graduate student parents, that call if they feel like something has been unfair, something is unjust again, so that student is not experiencing any natural consequences and still having their parents step in which I always say these things globally enable ineptitude. Well, I don't know why my kid can't handle it, mostly because he's never had to handle it. So he could learn to handle it, but I would have to be uncomfortable, zip my lip and then let them deal with it, so the control piece it really extends out. It has such a ripple effect.
Speaker 1:Where I see it showing up in healthy habits is people are tired, they are so exhausted because they're doing all of these things. They're doing things that other people could do. That should be a shared household responsibility and there might be this feeling of resentment or anger along with that exhaustion because I'm tired, I've got too many things to do, because again, I've got to wash this uniform, because last time I let my kid wash it then it was all wrinkled, okay. So then the natural consequence of your kid leaving in the dryer and not taking out, they had to wear a wrinkled uniform. So that would be a natural consequence for them. And if they don't care about wrinkled uniform and you care deeply about it, then that's more of a question for you to answer versus them to answer. But again, if you're trying to teach them to clean their uniform, there are going to be sort of hills and valleys in that experience and they get to learn what is important to them, because many times I think we obviously what is important to us.
Speaker 1:Because I am a stickler about laundry, I do my own laundry because I like it done a very particular way and that's fine for me, like I don't consider that oppressive or burden, like that just works for me. So I think that when we are looking at kind of like it was a reverse engineer, I've got too many things to do, I'm overwhelmed by other tasks, I've got other people that I need to take care of. Therefore, it's very hard for me to take care of myself. Or you know what? I just want to break because I do too much. So I deserve a reward. I deserve rest. Instead of exercise, I'm going to eat just whatever I want because I don't even care, forget about it. So when I see that that's when it's time to like, okay. So are there some pieces that I need to let go of control and perhaps accept a situation more as it is? Again, this is gonna dump me into some uncomfortable feelings watching some things not play out the way that I would like them to, and I will probably have more free time, so this becomes a lot of very distinct decisions of like oh, I guess I need to choose not to do this.
Speaker 1:Very typically, I will say I have had a lot of people who were wanting to eat healthier and nobody in the house wanted to eat healthier. So they were making two or more separate meals because I said, oh, my spouse would never eat this, and usually I was working with somebody that had a full-time job and their spouse may or may not have been working, but they were talking about not being able to make healthier foods for themselves because their spouse wouldn't like it. So, again, there's a lot to unravel there and there's no like yeah, so I changed it, forget it, it doesn't even matter. There's a lot of baby steps in that process because they have to start with asking some questions why is what your spouse likes to eat more important than what you would like to eat? How did we get here?
Speaker 1:And what is it about the blowback that you would get if you made something that you liked that you are unwilling to do? And again, like, these reactions happen on a spectrum. It could be the silent treatment, or there are absolutely people who are stuck in a situation where there is violence. So I take all of these scenarios with the feedback I'm getting from my clients. This is very important because obviously it's easier to endure the silent treatment and we don't want to create a situation where we're going to have to fear for safety. So, in these extremes, like if somebody is like, well, then, yeah, he's just not gonna talk to me or he's just gonna complain the entire time that eating it and I don't wanna gender the issue because it's by far really not completely gendered at all.
Speaker 1:So I think that when we look at situations like that, I would have to get comfortable and accept that if I make a dinner that they don't like, then their choice is to be passive, aggressive, make some comments gotta have something to say and voice their displeasure. So that is their choice. This can then become a greater conversation that you would have with that person and say listen, here's why I'm trying to do what I'm trying to do. You are more than welcome to make something that you like, but this is important to me and these are the reasons why I want to do this. It would really be nice if you could be supportive or if not supportive, trying not to make it difficult and sabotage what I'm trying to do. So I think that those conversations again completely valid and absolutely you can bring those things up.
Speaker 1:So I would have to start with the acceptance piece. So I think that when we look at acceptance, it is again within a huge range of things that we actually use it for, because sometimes it's people we don't like everyone, and that's fine. Sometimes it's their behaviors that we don't like. But also there are places, there are things, there are events, there are dynamics and sometimes it is our choice to accept them instead of fighting back against them and instead of trying to control them. So the fatigue of fighting reality because again it's hard for me to move myself forward if I'm just fighting what is actually happened this can be, again, changes in a relationship. If we have our own health changes, if somebody in our family's experiencing health changes, if we have kids, if they're having trouble at school, if they're having trouble in their friendships, if they're having behavioral issues, if they're having health issues, all of these things and when we get stuck in the like. I just don't want this to happen. And what can I do to fix this Cause? I hate the way that I feel it can be so much more growth if we start trying to get more comfortable with how we feel.
Speaker 1:And I talk about journaling a lot. On my website, heathersayerslaymancom backslash journal, you can download the 3D journaling because it is incredibly helpful to process feelings we are having a hard time with by journaling. So, again, there are a lot of feelings that we don't like and we haven't grown up in a space that's like tell me more about that. Like, oh, I'm really interested in how you feel and how I can help you feel better. Some people did. I certainly didn't, so I really had to have a more conversations with myself via journaling to figure a lot of these things out.
Speaker 1:So that's absolutely one thing that you can do to start working on accepting certain scenarios. You don't have to like it, you don't have to endorse it or condone it, but accepting it can free up a lot of your own mental and emotional energy. This also is the same piece with people. So I have had many relationships, many picadillos that are there, and it could be something as small as you know, putting wet towels in the laundry. It can be something as large as alcoholism. So it's my choice, then, to accept, because many people are in relationships as somebody who struggles with alcohol, and they have to choose to accept that this is that person's problem. Here's what I can do for my own mental health. Here's what I can do for my physical health. Here's what I can do to keep my family stable, but starting with an acceptance that this is the problem, versus getting rid of alcohol in the house or trying to, you know, badger them of like. This is your fourth note. Now this is your fifth.
Speaker 1:I thought you said having a lot of trying to control someone's behavior because again, people don't like it and generally it doesn't actually help. And there was a quote I was in Al-Anon in high school, because my mother is an alcoholic and I have a little blue book and it has a quote in there of for all of the screaming and arguing and fighting and brow beating and manipulation I have done, has it ever changed anything? By and large, the answer is no, because again, people don't respond that way and it's not even that there's a nicer way that I could brow beat and manipulate you. It's that that's not a solution. That's not going to change someone's behavior. Who doesn't want to change their behavior. They don't care about this problem in the way that you do and again, that is also a message within your status, of your relationship.
Speaker 1:So I think that, looking at the objective piece because if we were having a conversation, I'm very objective about it and I think that it's very possible that you can be more objective about it, and I'm not saying like spreadsheet logic, but just saying like, yes, this is the situation. If we go here, this person will drink this mini drinks. So then I have choices. I can accept that, yeah, I basically gonna pour them like a puddle into my car at the end of the night. Or I can say I don't actually want to go with them, I don't want to go to this event if they're gonna be just absolutely blasted. So that's a choice as well. It could be like I'm gonna have a conversation of if you are going to drink X amount, like I will leave around, drink three, and you can find yourself away home. Uber, lyft, do what you gotta do.
Speaker 1:So the challenge with accepting things is a sort of thrust you into a place of making more choices, which I want everybody to be the decider and everybody's like I don't know that. I wanna be the decider. But being in a place where you can say like okay, this is happening creates that discomfort and we wanna like run, like okay, I don't like this discomfort, which running also is okay, I gotta go back to controlling things Again. That's an absolute knee-jerk reaction. That makes a lot of sense to me. So I think that it's an interesting thing to start taking a look. So it would go all the way back to healthy habits. These are the things I want to do. Some of the problems why I can't do those are I'm very exhausted, I'm emotionally exhausted, I'm doing too many things. I'm just feeling angry and resentful. Let's start to reverse engineer that Again.
Speaker 1:I think journaling is a perfect format for that Of looking at saying like what is it that I'm feeling? Like I'm not accepting and I'm trying to control. I might be controlling it by being very kind. I might be controlling it by cleaning it all up. There are many different ways to do that and I might be emotionally blackmailing someone trying to control this situation. So if I could put myself in a place of acceptance and either stop doing certain things, would I have more emotional bandwidth to do the things I wanted to do?
Speaker 1:And I think that asking these questions and the first question always like what is it that I am fighting against always and I'm not saying that there's easy answers with any of these things, because, again, if my kid is doing very poorly in school, what's my choice here. Do I end up carrying them in a backpack around and helping them finish school? That's absolutely a choice. Do I let them fail and see what they do with that, because they're going to have to figure things out at some point. Do I intervene? Do I get more help, like, how is it that I want to handle this?
Speaker 1:But I always think the first step is really just like what am I fighting against? And then getting super honest with yourself about the ways that you control things, to spare your own feelings. And now this is like a knee deep, sort of deep dive, because you've got to get honest about, like, what you're doing within this situation. So those are two steps that I think are really, really critical. If you're trying to free a bandwidth, what am I controlling?
Speaker 1:And then, also, like, the spinal piece that you can do is really looking at your fears behind, not accepting reality. So what are my fears of what's going to happen if I'm not controlling everything? So that is absolutely three questions you can ask yourself, like what am I fighting against? In what way am I controlling, manipulating, brow beating, cleaning up for other people? And then, what am I afraid of? Like, what do I think is going to happen. It can be what do I know is going to happen, but what is it that I hate feeling within this circumstance? So hopefully those help. I know it's kind of like a it's a real wide route around when we're talking about acceptance, but again, I see this all the time as an obstacle to doing things for yourself. So I think acceptance and losing control can be extremely helpful. Messy, messy, messy, but helpful and a means to an end. Hopefully that helps you and tune in to another episode where I walk you through more sticky wickets.