Today's topic is about stress management in my ongoing series, "What Works For Me?" 🤔
This episode is the first of two episodes dedicated to stress management. Today, we will focus on what is causing our stress, and next week, we will dive into the solutions.
In this episode, I will walk you through the three steps of beginning stress management. You will learn to ask yourself, "What is causing my stress? What is the stress costing me? What emotions do I want to feel instead?"
I will discuss my strategies for finding the source of our stress and what it costs us. Then, there is the fun part of looking forward to the future and deciding what positive emotions we want rather than focusing on the negative emotions we are currently feeling.
We will also touch on what we can change vs. what we cannot change and how that may alter how we deal with a situation.
Bring your top 3 in each category back next week, where we will start working on the solutions and how to manage the stressors in our lives!
Today's topic is about stress management in my ongoing series, "What Works For Me?" 🤔
This episode is the first of two episodes dedicated to stress management. Today, we will focus on what is causing our stress, and next week, we will dive into the solutions.
In this episode, I will walk you through the three steps of beginning stress management. You will learn to ask yourself, "What is causing my stress? What is the stress costing me? What emotions do I want to feel instead?"
I will discuss my strategies for finding the source of our stress and what it costs us. Then, there is the fun part of looking forward to the future and deciding what positive emotions we want rather than focusing on the negative emotions we are currently feeling.
We will also touch on what we can change vs. what we cannot change and how that may alter how we deal with a situation.
Bring your top 3 in each category back next week, where we will start working on the solutions and how to manage the stressors in our lives!
Hi and welcome to the Air we Breathe. I'm your host, heather Sears-Laman. I'm a national board certified health and wellness coach, certified intuitive eating counselor and certified personal trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion. The Air we Breathe a finding wellbeing that works for you is a podcast created to help you establish a trusted foundation of doable healthy habits and smart self-care skills that can endure every season and last you a lifetime. My guests and I will share ways that you can focus on your physical and mental health with purpose, flexibility and ease.
Speaker 1:
This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. We minimize mentions of specific behaviors and numbers, but it's still a topic nonetheless. There also could be some squares and or adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. Hi everyone and welcome to this episode on stress management.
Speaker 1:
I'm actually going to make this a two-parter because we're going to talk about some things today that I really want you to new to lawn for a little bit, and then next week we will go into more solutions, but I really want to spend some time today talking about your stress sores, like what is causing you stress and a following up in this series of what works for me. We've talked about eating, we've talked about physical activity and stress management the final piece of what we will look at in really trying to adopt things in a way that are going to work for you Also, in a way that are going to work for you today and you might need to amend things tomorrow or in a month or in a year but not getting stuck in feeling like we should be following a rigid program and feeling like there is a quote, unquote right way to do it and what is enough. But looking at our family commitments, the time that we have already committed to other people and other things, our budgets, our emotional, mental, physical bandwidth, and making sure that we are making decisions, that we move forward in a sustainable way, and not feeling that need of, okay, this is the right way, this is the way I have to do it, but to give ourselves some flexibility, to allow for being a human, I will say, because we adopt some things like we're a robot and like, okay, I'm just going to do this, here's the spreadsheet and here's how you do it. But life happens and it's good to have some self-kindness and self-compassion to allow for things that come up. So we are going to chat about three different areas today as far as stress goes, and that is the causes and the costs, and then the emotions that I want. So anytime I start working with a client, we always start there and we look at the whole big picture, the holistic well-being. So I want you to really think about this today in confines of stress and it's also a really good exercise to do when you're thinking about your exercise or thinking about eating or thinking about health conditions. These three things the causes, the costs and the emotions are things that I do in almost every corporate wellness course, because I want people to really think about why they are wanting to make these changes. When we look at changes as a should or a have to, versus digging a little deeper and finding out intrinsically why we think it's important, leaves us with. It's a bit shallow and we tend to not be very invested in it. So I like to do this exercise because it helps you become more invested in making the changes that are going to work for you.
Speaker 1:
First off, causes Causes of our stress. Do we have enough time to list all of those? When I talk about causes and this is a generalization, most of the time things are pretty much the same stressors For the most part, many of us. Our lives are pretty continuous and things are the same on most days. Other people do not have that. I can think of like different jobs of an ER nurse. Yeah, your job is very different, my job is just not very different. But there are obviously exceptions when I say that things are pretty much the same, because we can have emergencies there's a car accident, somebody gets hurt, a health condition pops up, and then we can have other things that we're going to move, or there is a divorce, there's a death, things that are much more unexpected and a completely different type of stress. So we've got those in that container of causes. There are lots of little containers because we do have the daily things that really create pretty much the same stress. And that can be especially if you're having kids, like finding their shoes before school or trying to gather their homework so they have everything, and then at work we might have kind of the same co-workers or the same tasks that you really don't like. So things for you you have to look at, okay.
Speaker 1:
So for me, what are the things that are causing me the most stress right now, and again, it could be different in a week and a month a year, but right now what are the things that are creating the most stress? And I really like to either journal I know I talk about journaling all the time. I think it's so important because, again, you're having a conversation with yourself about yourself, to find solutions, and so having that conversation through writing is very beneficial. Again, if you want my journaling guide, it's heathersayerslaymancom black slash journal. But starting to write through that and see I don't know like what is my biggest stress right now, and I think, if I had to really look, there's definitely some elements of my work that create stress, because I have what I would call sometimes like a long game type of job where I am developing relationships and working with clients and somebody might commit to do something nine months from now or six months from now, so I don't have a lot of like fast fruition and that's just a different kind of stress.
Speaker 1:
So really take some time to think about right now what is creating the most stress for you. And I think, if you're feeling secure in the way that you journal, that nobody's going to read this, you're not going to hurt anybody's feelings. It can be helpful to get into the really the nitty gritty because I wouldn't just say, yeah, my husband is my greatest source of stress I wouldn't say that anyway, dennis, because he's not but I have had a lot of relationships that created so much stress, which I was voluntarily in those relationships, so I was part of creating my own stress and I think it's really important to look at the specifics of what that is. I will say I've had many projects, men who needed a lot of mentoring and support go figure, my job is mentoring and support and then I would find can I do this for you for free, at my own expense? Great, thank you. I think this is going to work out well.
Speaker 1:
So the stress of that and if we're getting like really specific of, okay, they're so terrible with money and that is creating immense stress for myself. So again, this isn't anything we need to tell anybody else and we don't need to necessarily let people know, but finding out within the relationship, what is it? I feel like I can't trust you and so I'm always questioning everything that is so stressful to be like what is real, what is not real, because I don't know, because you're not going to tell me. So, being with somebody who is lying about things or there are other pieces that our parenting is so different and that's causing conflict. We don't see eye-to-eye on politics that's causing conflict. So, again, really just dive deep down the rabbit hole and look at what exactly is causing you the most stress. I always do three. A top three is a great place to start. You might have ten and you might have two, but I always gun for three things, just so I have a pretty good picture, because when we talk next week, we're going to talk solutions. So then, when I've got those three, I want to have solutions for each of those. So again, I like to do three.
Speaker 1:
So the next piece is looking at the costs. Yes, I have these elements of stress. What does this cost me? Is it a lack of peace of mind? Is it me not sleeping? Do I have GI issues? My stomach hurts all the time because I'm worried about these things. Is it making me really crabby? Am I really withdrawing and isolating myself and I'm not connecting with other people? Am I taking this out? Am I raging on other people? The costs, I think, require a level of vulnerability, because we are looking at some of our behavior that we're not very proud of. We all have it. There's absolutely nobody. That is, I think, I'm my best self most of the time. No, we all have moments that we wish we could rewind the tape and erase. So I think, looking at that piece because really when I talk to most people, a lot of it revolves around connection, because when we are really in our own head or we are distant from other people, that loneliness really hurts and it really compounds because of that other person can feel it and so then maybe they pull back and then maybe they're more distant and then we have this ping-pong game of lack of connection.
Speaker 1:
Have you ever felt like the do-it-yourself approach to improving your healthy habits ends up doing nothing except making you feel overwhelmed, guilty and defeated? Have you been struggling to find sustainable routines that work for your responsibilities, lifestyle, budget and personal preferences? You don't need more rules, influencers or structured programs. Let me help you discover what you want, what works for you and how to maintain healthy habits during the ever-changing circumstances of your life. If you're ready to create systems that stick head to heathersayerslaymancom backslash health dash coaching and click, let's do it. So do take some time Again.
Speaker 1:
I always do three and don't just go with, like your first answer. Really, look at, is there anything deeper is? Can I peel this onion a little bit more, because again I can say, oh, I'm crabby, okay, so I'm crabby. Let's just say I'm a crabby with my kids. What does that really cost me? It hurts my heart so much to know that I have inflicted pain on them by being rude or being dismissive or not listening to them, and I know that I'm changing them. I am creating different people. By being short or dismissive or not answering their questions. I am literally changing who they are, because they will grow up to be adults who were dismissed and maybe they find dismissive people, maybe they find rude people, maybe they find people that don't care about their feelings. So take those next steps to look closer at the real costs. And again, not a fun exercise, because don't we all wish we were our best selves all the time? We sure do, but we're not. We want to look at all of those costs. So again, I like the top three and then, when we look at those costs and we've got some of those answers, we have to look at what we can change and what we cannot change.
Speaker 1:
Control is a huge element of stress management because obviously most of us like to be in control and we like to make the decisions we like to make. And it's very hard and what creates a lot of stress is when there is a change out of our control. This is harder for some people. Some people are a little more go with the flow, some people like myself not a fan, not a fan I like to be in control of what I like to be in control of.
Speaker 1:
But with that list you really want to look at, is there anything I can change here? Because if it's my coworker that's stressing me out, can I pick a new coworker? Probably not. If one of my kids is having difficulties, can I get a new kid? I could, but I don't want to. These are keepers. Same thing if it's my parents and all of the difficulties that come along with aging, can I change that? No, not at all. If it is, let's just say, a friendship that is incredibly stressful or it's gotten caustic or it's toxic, can I change that? Yes, I can, and I can either change the dynamics of it or I can cease to engage with it. So there are different pieces that we do have more control over. So you really want to come through that list and see if there is something that we can do, because, also and we'll talk about this in the next episode even if I'm talking about a coworker that's making me bananas, I do have choices about how I react, how I frame this whole situation. Yes, I can't get rid of them and I will have some choices about how I deal with them.
Speaker 1:
So that's a little bit of a deeper dive, but do look at, is there anything glaringly on this list that you could change? And I think, like kids' activities fall in this, because many people exhaust themselves, absolutely deplete themselves, because our kids are doing so many activities. There's certainly a lot of literature that doesn't necessarily support kids being in a lot of activities, but is this an area where I'm like, oh, this is too much, this is absolutely hammering away at our quality of life and do I want to change this? Not today, I'm going to say that's it, but is this a greater conversation for our family to have, moving forward in how much time we want to dedicate to activities? Yes, definitely, look at things that I could change now, but things I could also change in the future in thinking about your stress level. Okay, so those are the costs and then looking at what we can control.
Speaker 1:
Then the final piece is really looking at emotions that we want, and I will say absolutely most of us look at what we don't want, what we don't like, what stinks, what's stressing us out, what is a huge bummer, and we don't really take the time to think of the flip side of what do I want anyway. Part of that is a little bit of our lizard brain to where we are just looking for danger all the time, and that's how we stay safe. So part of that is just how our brains have evolved. It's normal and it's not anything to get down on yourself about, but I definitely think spending time thinking about what you want is so supportive when we make choices in the future.
Speaker 1:
So do I want to feel? My top two are always peaceful and content. Do I want to feel peaceful and content? Yes, please, but then there's also carefree, or joyful, or passionate or excited. There are a lot of different things that I really could value feeling inspired or inspiring other people, feeling grateful. What emotions would you like to have most of the time? Again, mine are peaceful and content. I just want to be chill. I want to have a quiet mind. I do not want to have multiple conversations with all the people on the committee in my brain and having all the voices talking at once. I want it to be quiet, feeling content. I'm not striving for anything all the time. I'm not waiting for something to change. I feel good here. But again, other people like a little bit more spice in it and that is a passionate, the excited thinking for yourself.
Speaker 1:
And again like this is just not an exercise we do often like what would I want to feel? And I think that you can use an emotions wheel Because, again, many of us are not brought up really focusing on our feelings and so a lot of it is foreign and things just don't pop into our head like we would like them to. So I will link to an emotions wheel in the show notes so that you can look at a myriad of emotions and using different words, because again I might use the word content and somebody really know I like chill, finding words that resonate with you and that you're like yes, that is it, that's what I want. So spend some time. Again I do three, I think it's really helpful, but spending some time looking at what you want, because those emotions become what I always call a North Star.
Speaker 1:
So as I start making decisions moving forward, I really have to ask myself is that supportive of the emotions that I said that I want when I say that I want to be peaceful, yet I'm going to pick a fight with my co worker? Okay, those two things are not very aligned. So maybe I have a different option with my co worker that is going to make me feel more peaceful. That could be like today. It's going to be the high road and I'm just not going to say anything at all. It could be Gosh. I don't have any coworkers that are bugging me at the moment, so I'm trying to think of what is a good resolution or just doing the smile and then journaling about it later, because I don't want to really promote gossiping.
Speaker 1:
But my point is we will have decisions moving forward and figuring out what am I what? Where am I trying to go? Because it's so easy to that, if I really got into it with them, do I feel great afterwards? Generally, no, I'll probably be up at three o'clock in the morning being like oh, you know what I should have said, oh, you know what I should have done, and that's not fun. I don't want to be awake at three in the morning thinking about my co worker, and if we're talking about our relationship or partners, we can slide into some old behaviors that are not productive.
Speaker 1:
So if I'm saying I want to be peaceful and content, what does that look like with the dynamics in our relationship and how I either start something or how I respond to something? So hopefully you can find some feelings that you're like yes, and also seeing it as something that we're not having the expectation that, oh my gosh, all of a sudden, all I feel is peace. Look at me. But what if 20% of the time, we made a different choice that made us feel peaceful? Would you like to feel peaceful 20% more, or excited, or inspired, or passionate, joyful, probably so. It's never something and I talk about this in the episode of the spectrum of behavior change that we're just jumping in and changing everything and now we're so different but we are slowly, incrementally, making different choices that are creating a different reaction, that's creating different feelings and different scenarios.
Speaker 1:
So those three pieces, plus also what can I control? What can I control, I think, are going to be great for you to think about Doodle on noodle on journal and finding some things that you may have been looking at the surface piece and I'll go back to like in my relationship. Stuff like, oh my gosh, this person's so bad with money. It's not that bad with money, it's they're being dishonest and I can't trust them. And it is so distressing to me to not be able to trust someone that I have committed to a relationship with. So my stressor is I feel completely unstable in this relationship because I don't have the foundation that I want or need.
Speaker 1:
So don't be afraid to really deep dive and look a couple layers deeper than you're used to looking. So hopefully you'll take the time and really walk through those things Again the causes, the costs and the emotions that you want and then next week we're going to talk about what I always call a coping toolkit. Okay, if we've got these things that are stressing us out pretty much most of the time, I'm going to walk through different options of how we deal with those things and then we'll find basically like the top three things for each scenario, depending on kind of what's going on and how we will respond to that. So the coping toolkit is part of my book Don't Eat it. Deal with it, because I wanted people who are struggling with emotional eating to have something to go to to handle those big emotions that they were having a tough time with, and that is the coping toolkit. So it's something that I have talked about for a long time and I still really stand behind, because I think it's so helpful to have that preparedness and especially to deal with things that are constants and have been going on for a long time. I can't wait to hear what you guys come up with, and then we're going to chat next week about what you can do. I will see you then.
Speaker 1:
Thanks so much for listening today. Do you know what would be really fun? If you popped over to my Instagram at Heather Sears-Laman and dropped me a DM and let me know what topics you want me to cover? Something bugging you, something holding you up? Please just let me know and I will tweak some content and get an episode out just for you. As always, please follow, show, or you can leave a five star review on Apple or Spotify. That would be fun too. See you in the next episode.