Sense of Self

“No one can take away what you’ve put in your own mind.” - Dr. Edith Eger

This is the basis of todays episode. 

One of my teachers, Ethan, on my counselling course mentioned Edith Eger and her work as a psychotherapist after surviving the holocaust. He quoted the above and it impacted me so deeply. 

I am naturally someone who craves love and validation from outside of myself and that has been the cause of much pain in my life. Hearing something like this almost gives me permission to be ME. I struggle to explain it in any other way than this. 

I think the idea that if I was stripped of everything material in my life and was left with just myself, I would genuinely be happy. That is SO POWERFUL. 

I really hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed making it. It’s a special one ♡ 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to a Curious Mind podcast. For today's episode, I want to talk about the concept of sense of self. So as a lot of what this podcast speaks on and um focuses on is you know self-love, looking after ourselves, being in touch with our bodies. Um it's quite inward thinking. Um but it's inward thinking in the hopes that if we are a little bit more inward thinking and inward and aware of ourselves, it might help us be, it'll help us be a better person and therefore be able to help others easier because we have a we have a fuller and more sturdy place that we're coming from, and therefore can give more than maybe we could if we weren't in that place, and sense of self to me um has not really been something that I've ever taken much time to actually think about or put a name to. But this week in my studies, I go every single week into therapy school, I like to call it, and we have a session where we read theory or we're taught theory on like a specific concept or specific characteristics that therapists need to portray and be mindful of, and then we go and we practice those concepts or skills on our on our colleagues. And in this week we were being taught the person-centered approach of therapy, which is a specific way of doing therapy, and this idea was constructed by an American man named Carl Rogers in the 50s, the 1950s, 50s, 60s, and um it was a really really amazing session. I I enjoyed it very much, but there was a there was a part of the session that I've not managed to stop thinking about um since it happened, and every time I share it with somebody, it brings me like such a sense of warmth and comfort, and it is a crime if I don't share it on my podcast because I just think it was such a beautiful moment. So um, I first of all need to thank my teacher of this week, which was Ethan. Um, he was the one that suggested this and came up with this. So thank you, Ethan, for even sharing for sharing this with us or with me. Um so we were Ethan was going through a part of Carl Rogers' um biography, I think, or a book that he wrote on on this approach that he had created. And he spoke about how um the concept of self-actualizing is an innate need that humans cannot ignore and are constantly striving towards. Um, he used the comparison of Maslow's hierarchy of needs for those that know it, but for those that don't know it, Maslow was another psychologist at the similar time who had created like this triangle of needs that we have, which is like basic needs, psychological needs, and then I don't know what the name is of the top, but it's called like self-actualization. So he his theory is humans need like basic needs of like food, shelter, uh, safety, security, like psychological needs of like community, uh status, those kinds of things, and then once all of those needs are met, you can then start to self-actualise. Self-actualizing is like becoming the greatest, your your most actualized self, which is impossible in theory because we are constantly evolving and constantly getting better. The only person that I would perhaps argue has self-actualized is David Attenborough. I don't know enough about him, I obviously don't know him in person, but the person that he is to the world, in my mind, is a self-actualised individual, you know. So I guess that's like an idea for those that don't know what maybe I'm talking about when I say say self-actualised, just think of David Attenborough. Someone that's managed to uh travel the world, see wildlife, and and do what they love every single day for at least like 70 years of their life, um, and has made such a positive change to the world and carries on doing it even at 100 years old. So let's just say that David Athenbury has self-actualized for the sake of this idea. Um now, so so Maslow is saying, like, we need these basic needs to be met in order for us to be able to even think about going and finding our purpose and becoming who we really want to be. Now, Carl Rogers has had a different idea. He believed that no matter what conditions we live in or are um experiencing at any time of our life, we have an innate desire to be our best self, and he used the um an example of potatoes. Um so potatoes, he he writes about how there are some potatoes that he um that was that were left in a bag in his basement when he was younger in his home, and over the really really poor conditions of winter, they would just be sat there, and he was astonished that when after a long period of time they were just there, lying there, he would um go down to his basement and see that these potatoes, even with the worst conditions, with no um you know ability whatsoever to reproduce and sprout and create or whatever, um they tried. There were like there were like some small failed sprouts with on on the potato that didn't work, but even though there was no conditions, they still tried because it's like within their it's within their biology, like it's just part of who we are, you know. It's this like people that and you and you hear when you think about it, when you stop to think about it, you hear these success stories about people that come from absolutely nothing, like such such little, and and kind of in in in places where you think like there is no way that they could have they actually did that, you know, they did that on their own by themselves, and they managed to get themselves out of those like out of really really difficult situations just because they had purpose. And Ethan, my teacher, was kind of like you know, we were we were pondering over this and thinking about you know what that meant and how that what that made us feel, and and you know, the the things that it kind of reminded us of. And then he went on to say about how um it this reminded him of a uh a psychotherapist and also author um who I had not heard of before he had mentioned her, um, a woman called Edith Eker, and um he said that so this woman she was a survivor of the Holocaust after she managed to get out, she moved to the States and she became a psychotherapist. And what he said was that in her book, she writes that during the time that she was in the Holocaust and her conditions had had taken everything from her, like absolutely everything, her clothes, her hair, her food, her family, like her friends, her identity, you know, on the outside, they could never take her mind, they could never take her mind, and within her mind, she created a home in those grueling and awful conditions. She created a place where she felt safe, and that was her sense of self. That was no one could take that away from her, and honestly, when he said that, I mean it it really like impacted me, but only on the way home did I actually like metabolize what he had said, and how profound that experience is, and how we all have this, every single one of us has a mind, everyone that's living and breathing has a mind, and we all have our own unique sense of self and our own unique home that we will always have. We come into this world on our own and we will leave this world on our own, and I have not made time, not nearly enough time to actually appreciate my home and myself, and I just I think that is one of the most powerful things I've ever heard because no one can take that away from you, like literally no one, like it doesn't matter what accolades, achievements, things you've seen, people you've spoken to, cars you've bought, houses you've lived in, um it doesn't like none of that matters because it's all outside, it's all external. What really really matters is this is you, is your home, you know, and I guess it kind of relates to my episode last week of like looking after your bodies and being kind with your with yourself, which is much easier said than done. Um I'll be truthful. This week I really really struggled to do that, but I just think that um I think that I needed to hear that, and that I needed to hear that, and I wanted to share that in case anyone else needed to hear that, and I um it feels so menial, but I'm gonna share this because I feel as though maybe people will relate. Um I have been dating recently, I've been getting to know new people in my life, and um I've kind of just been like testing the waters um, you know, after a little while of not doing that. And I I had a bit of a moment last week where I entered I I do I have a tendency to and I think a lot of people do this, um I have a tendency to really just like like completely focus on like one person and um you know not necessarily like ignore the red flags but just be a little bit less just just be a little bit more blind to perhaps the alarm bells and and again not to say that these people are bad people, it's just that I know what I want, I know what I'm looking for, and if someone doesn't align with that or is demonstrated is demonstrating characteristics that are quite different to that, I conveniently ignore it until I can't really ignore it anymore. And I had a moment this weekend where I was just like, I don't know what I'm gonna do if this person doesn't accept me. I don't know what I'm gonna do if this person doesn't choose me. Like, I I'm so in, like I'm so I'm so in. I need this person in my life. Like, what am I gonna do if I don't have this person in my life, you know? Um and I was spiralling, I was tired, I was just I was really spiraling, and it was um it's like I a repeated behavior, like I've done this before, and and I've done this before, and I've gotten myself into situations where I probably where I kind of regret getting myself into because it just wasn't right that I was just ignoring the science. Um, but it's really hard when you start to emotionally you know connect to somebody, and your nervous system starts to kind of get used to their presence, and um you know they they they are an amazing person, so there's many qualities that you kind of hook on to, and therefore you start to convince yourself like there's a future here or there's something really special here, and so anyway, I was I was really really in it, and I was in it, and I was on my own, and I was just in a spiral, like I was ruminating, and I don't know how I don't know how I did it actually, and I'm so fucking proud of myself for this by the way. Maybe it's because I had kind of had this session actually, and it was fresh on my mind. I allow myself to ruminate, I allow myself to kind of think of the worst, which is just like this person might not be in my life, which sounds very disrespectful, but like in the moment it was actually quite like a scary idea because I I really, really grew to like this person, and then I kind of snapped myself out of it and was like sense of self, like my home. Now, at the front of my journal, I've got a quote that is what a privilege it is to have me loving me, and that kind of struck upon me, and I was like, hang on, like wait, wait, wait, wait. I have me loving me. I have me loving me, like that is so amazing. Like, I'm so lucky, like I mean this in the most humble, genuine way possible. I'm an amazing person, it feels very, very strange saying it, but I really am. Like, I'm a very, very good person, I've got a good heart, I'm kind, I'm genuine, I'm loving, I'm honest, like I have so many amazing qualities, and now I am loving me, like I have me loving me, you know. Like if I was a partner, if I had a partner that showed the qualities that I have, of course, like I don't I'm not trying to get into the whole thing of like I'm so amazing, I I would date myself, but what I'm trying to say is like I show such love and and and kindness and care, and I'm I've got me, I can love myself, and like I it would be so nice to be loved by somebody else in a romantic sense. I've got so many other people in my life that love me so profoundly, and I feel that very, very deeply. It would be lovely, it would be lovely to have someone that loves me that isn't me as well. But for now and for always, I am good enough, like I loving myself is more than enough, and then it was like all the dominoes started to like fall in the best way possible and kind of like fit together, and I was like, wow, like this is what Edith, this is kind of what Edith Eagle Eager was alluding to, and that, like, of course, for her, it was I'm not trying to compare, I'm just trying to say, like, I I feel what it was I think that she was trying to say, which is just like no one can take you away from yourself. If you create a space that is a loving, kind, caring home within you, you will always have a loving, kind, and caring home, no matter where you are, no matter in what conditions you're in, these really big and scary life experiences. And by the way, every single one of those, if it hurts, it is worthy of attention and love. There's no comparing here. I'm not trying to, you know, I'm obviously aware of like I'm using quite an intense um and a very profound, you know, example to relate to mine. Um, but honestly, in that moment, I felt very, very when I when I was spiraling, I I did feel really scared. I was like almost going through like a breakup in my mind. I don't actually want to laugh at myself because it was kind of sad at the moment, but I you know it was it was scary for me and and then I just I just stopped and I realized that if I'm safe, if I'm loving, if I'm warm, if I'm welcoming, that's all I can ask for, and that's that I have that every hour of every single day, every moment that I'm breathing. Like I have me. And you have you. You know, we we have ourselves. What a privilege it is to love ourselves, what a privilege it is to having us loving us. I I I don't know, I just I felt like at least for me in that moment in that experience, it gave me such a different perspective on like this next stage I'm going into in my life, you know. I'm feeling more settled in in my career choice and what's gonna come from this next phase of my life and the challenges that I'm gonna face, you know. The career I'm choosing is not easy, it's going to be tough. I'm going to have some really difficult moments, I know. But as long as I have myself, I have my mind, I have everything. I have everything I'll ever ever need. And you can have that too. We all we all have that. Like we just need to see it. And it's hard, it's hard to see, you know. I don't want to like I don't want every single of my episodes to kind of come back to this, but I do want to acknowledge like it is really hard to see, especially when it's hard to love yourself, hard to like yourself, but it's so possible, and um and I think that if you come, if you approach each day or as much of your life as you can from a place of love, from a place of warmth and comfort and safety within yourself and security. Everything becomes more magical, life becomes sweeter, people become more attractive and more kind because you're not you don't need them for anything. You don't need anyone for anything. And if people start demonstrating characteristics or perhaps a lack of consideration to you, or maybe a lack of respect, it doesn't hurt as much. It hurts a little bit, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much because once again, you're not looking for them to fill that part of you up, you know. You've got that, you've got that within you. It's not that we are going to meet every single one of our own needs. Again, like I I I realise how inward-facing this episode might sound, and how inward facing my podcast might sound, but actually, all it is is I feel as though it's kind of touching on ideas that we don't really speak about a lot in in our society, and if we kind of have this as a foundation, then the connections, the community, the experiences that we have are so much richer because it's not coming from a place of lack lack, it's coming from a place of abundance. Um I wrote in my journal uh that the evening that I kind of had my spiral, I wrote in my journal and um I finished it off with these three lines. I will always have my sense of self. I will always be privileged to love me. I will always be my home. I really, really hope that you can find that within yourself as well. You're deserving of that. And I hope, yeah, I hope that you can find that as well. And um and yeah, I just I just felt as though this one was too profound to not to not speak on, so so yeah. I um I hope you enjoyed my episode today. I hope you you found it helpful, I hope um you managed to take whatever you can from it, and um I hope to see you next week. All my love.