My Take on Dating

Dating… Everyones favourite topic to gossip about but not so favourite topic to navigate :)

I wanted to make an episode on dating because I have always found dating, meeting new people, experiencing myself in different environments, to be something that has taught me SO MUCH about myself. The fact you are opening yourself to be more intimate and vulnerable with another person teaches you a lot about how you react to certain situations that you would not have experienced when you were single. 

However, I have definitely found that dating feels quite unnatural? It can sometimes feel like a game and that people don’t have much consideration for others’ feelings. AND I sense a lack of authenticity from people almost because of a fear of being rejected/for being seen for who you truly are… Which is a beautifully flawed human being!? :D

It’s been a rollercoaster so far and I thought I would just waffle on a bit about it in the hopes that someone may understand what it is I’m experiencing! :) 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome back to a Curious Mind podcast. For today's episode, I am gonna dive right into less of an existential um topic and something just more real and more lived. Something that people talk about a lot, something that I think all of us are trying to navigate and understand. And um yeah, I just wanted to share what's kind of going on for me around dating. Because for something that is so driven and focused on connecting, connecting to somebody else or in some people's cases several other people, um yeah, something that is so is based on connection um can feel very lonely and can feel very can feel very lonely. I feel like because dating has such a big um for the most part the end goal is quite big. It's quite a big commitment, you know, it's a future with someone else, it's sharing the rest of your life with ideally the rest of your life with with someone or several people. Um it's building a family, it's understanding finances, it's growing old together, it's growing old together in that like your interests align and your beliefs align somewhat, or you're open-minded to understanding each other's beliefs. Like I think that that gives people this a fear to to to commit and to close themselves off. But I guess I want to kind of like I don't really want to go down that route, I want to go down just a me route, just like what's been going on for me. Um because dating has been on the forefront of my mind for a little bit. So, to give a bit of context, a couple of months ago I went out with a couple of friends of mine, and it was like the first night that I was like, okay, I'm actually ready to to flirt, like I'm ready to get out there, I'm ready to talk to somebody, and like you know, just kind of like get to know someone. And I went out and it wasn't my night for whatever reason, um, and I just didn't I didn't really get any attention, like I just wasn't kind of getting anything from anyone. Um now, full disclosure, I didn't like go up to people and speak to people or try to push a conversation with somebody, and I'm sure that there are many of you that will have your own opinions on that, but just for me personally, like I'm such a doer in my everyday life. I'm I know that in myself, and I find it attractive when someone comes up to me and kind of like pushes that com and then and tries to get that conversation rolling. Um, because once that conversation's rolling, like I'll be invested, but uh yeah, it just wasn't happening, it wasn't happening that evening. So I came back home, and the next day I was like, okay, fuck it, I'm gonna download the apps, like I'm gonna get on the apps, I'm gonna get out there, I'm gonna meet people, I'm gonna just like approach this in the most genuine way of like this is me. I am not I'm not gonna play games, like I'm not going to pee be like trying to decipher what it is that you want from me. Um I'm gonna be super upfront with just where I'm at, and where I'm at is I want to find someone, I want to be in a relationship with somebody, um, I want to bring them to family barbecues, I want them to be there for my birthday, I want to think about a future with that person, like I want that, you know, and um and I'm allowed I'm allowed to want that, and so I downloaded the apps and I started going on dates with people, and some honestly, every single guy that I went on date with was so lovely, like such a lovely, lovely person. Um, and some like I felt something more, some I didn't feel much, um, like anything more than maybe a friendship, and it just gave me the opportunity to explore, and what I find so beautiful about modern-day dating is that we give ourselves time to understand ourselves, like when we are meet when we go, so every single conversation I had with the variety of men that I spoke to, like a different side of myself came out, and different parts of myself were like you know, on the forefront of my being. Um, some conversations were a lot more high-level and not too, you know, too profound. Um, other conversations were like extraordinarily deep and really, really like in the weeds of our mind. Um, some had a variety, some were slightly more profound, some were slightly lighter. Um, and each of those like conversations just allowed me to understand myself more, you know, and understand what it is that I'd like from somebody, and also what I want from someone in a romantic sense, like how do I like to be treated in a romantic sense? And so I kind of am like starting to create an image and a picture of what it is that I would like, and not to say that I need to find someone that matches every single one of those expectations because that's just unreasonable and not real, and also like just not what I want actually. I want someone to just be their own person, but you know, if I'm kind of going on several dates and seeing and meeting different people, at least I understand like okay, this person definitely aligns closer to me on these things and also shows that. And so I started to notice that, like, I if I had like a physical spark with someone, because one thing that the dating apps definitely helps is the fact that you're attracted to that person if you swipe right, if that's your intention, right? So, like all of the men I was swiping right on, I was physically attracted to them. I didn't know what they sounded like, I didn't know what their interests were, but I knew that looking at them I was attracted to them, and so when it came to meeting them in person, that sign was a little bit easier. Sometimes, don't get me wrong, like I would find a photo of them attractive, and then when I would meet them in person, it wasn't quite the same. Um, and that's not to say that they're like catfish, it's just that energy is different on photo and in person. Um and so I like I would find that like the physical attraction was there, like I liked the look of them and like they they seemed you know attractive. And then like if the conversation was also stimulating, like I found it, you know, I I enjoyed the conversation, there was variety and there was depth and there was um levity and there was humour, you know, and and and like I'm kind of getting you know more quote-unquote boxes are being ticked. I don't really like that word because I don't think that we're but I guess I'm just using that as an analogy, an analogy. And so when I started to see and observe that, like, okay, I'm physically attracted to this person, and also like emotionally, I'm attracted to this person. I can feel a spark, I feel like we're kind of like on the same like rhythm, you know, with the conversation, and these things are starting to align. Um and then like shame would sort of wash over me, and I want to talk about this because I really I really struggle with this element of modern dating of like it's not socially acceptable to own the fact that we feel things for people, like the fact that I'm getting to know someone, and my therapist was saying this to me the other day like, when you meet someone new and you're dating someone new and it's going well and it's positive and it's fun, uh your you you like you you your body produces oxytocin, like you start to feel excited when you're around them and joyful and somewhat high, like genuinely somewhat high. And when you're not around them, it hurts, and you think about them and you imagine so much, you you you start to naturally envision, like, okay, what would we do next time we see each other, and what would I talk about with that person? And oh, I want to talk about this, about like about this to that person, and I want to show that person this thing, and you know, and then because you enjoy that person's company, and you naturally start to think about like the future with that person, not like that you're gonna be a like buying a house and having children with that person, but it's like you just start to think of the future as a whole, and it just feels as though like owning those feelings, expressing those feelings, and being in those feelings is just not cool, and I don't like that because I am me personally, like I actually wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have. I love that about myself. I think that it's you know it is it makes me who I am, and it's something I would never want to change. Um so this side of myself that's very like that feels that feels deeply um towards somebody and and thinks of that person when I'm not around them, and like I want to be authentic, I want to be authentic, I want to be truthful, but I don't want to scare that person away because like oh it's too early, like it's too early to do this, or we've only been on X amount of dates, like we can't like where are the rule where's the rule book? Like, where is the rule book? I've not read any rule book and I don't know I don't know what like what it is that I'm supposed to do because I if I like somebody I want to say that to them, like I want to say that to them and not feel as though I'm just this crazy person, and also like just because I like you right now after being on like a handful of dates with you doesn't mean I want to marry you, like that's another thing. Like I might get to know you more and be like, actually, no, we are we don't align on these things, like we don't like these things don't match. That's okay, also, because I'm being honest to the feelings that I'm feeling in that moment, and I I don't know what it is, but I just I really like I find it really hard to balance that kind of like socially acceptable um coldness that I feel that we need to kind of like take when it comes to dating. But actually, inside you're just like I really really like this person, I really like this person, I think they're really cool, I think they're really funny, I think they're really attractive, um, they make me feel really pretty and nice when I'm around them, like all of these things, you know what I mean? And and like being able to to hold and balance both of those things at the same time, um, is really hard for me, and so I refuse to not own those feelings. I really do. Like, I'm I mean not that I can have a choice to refuse it because I genuinely like I can't like if I feel those things like you're gonna know if I like you, you know. I'd like to think at least. Um but yeah, I don't know. I just the thing is, like I understand where the kind of coldness and the closed-off behaviour comes from because it's a form of protecting yourself, because I do feel as though because of the um the kind of like modern mentality towards dating is so um contra commitment. I think that people feel like they need to protect themselves from someone that they're really really liking and getting on with and like you know, vibing with to turn around the next day and be like, I'm just not interested because I've got another better offer. So I understand like why people are reluctant to owning their feelings because they're scared that like they're scared of rejection, you know, they're scared of being rejected by somebody that they they've formed, you know, they they they've grown to like and love, but uh I've also found that actually being rejected by people has been a really nice thing for me because being rejected just means that like that person has been honest and just like telling you how you how they feel, and we cannot control how other people feel about us. Um like that is not within our control. The best thing that we can do is be as authentic and genuine, and whoever is attracted to our authentic and genuine selves will want to spend more time with us and will want to be around us more, and if they don't want that, then it's just quicker, like you're not having to go through like a long, long stint of time where you're trying to really please and make sure this person chooses you, just then to be faced with the the truth that like they're just not interested in in you. Um, and I actually so my friend Camille, she's reading this book at the moment, and one of the things that this guy in the book says is make a failure goal, like make failure goals of the month. So, an example is like this month I will get 10 rejections from my client, or this month I will go on three really bad dates, um, and so on and so on. And I think that's a really cool way of approaching modern dating, of like, I'm gonna go on five really bad dates, and I'm gonna be rejected by two guys that I really like. Now, of course, like in the moment it doesn't feel good, it really doesn't feel good, but I think it gets us like because then you're like, Okay, tick, I've got that rejection, like that's what I wanted for this, like I knew I was gonna get that this month, so I think it kind of it gives you like a little bit more resilience when it comes to those conversations because we naturally just put so much like effort and feeling into like a situation, and then um when it doesn't pan out the way that our imagination has created it in our minds, it feels so bad, it's like a death, it is actually like a death, like um, yeah, I'm not gonna pretend that it's not, it really is, and so I think it's really powerful to kind of take that control back and be like, okay, that's fine. Like, I wanted to get that rejection, and the better we get with rejection, like the the the better that we are of being rejected and and being truthful with how we feel and just being honest, like just being like, I like you, I really like as thus far, of all of the times that I've met you, I really like you and I like where this is going. Um, but then you know, maybe in a couple of months or a couple of dates down the line, something happens or we miss a line on something really huge. We can have that conversation again and say, like, look, I really, really like these things about you, but I don't like this thing. Or I really really like these things about you, but when you do this thing, that brings something out in me that is really negative, and then you work through it. I just think that like that yeah, I guess I'm gonna I am trying to be more like that, like what I've just described, or like whatever it is that I've just said, um because it is so tiring pretending. Pretending is so tiring. Oh my god. I find it just exhausting, and I dating already takes up a lot of like energy, it really does, you know. You're you're talking to new people and you're trying to like listen to what they're saying and and hear them for for what they're having to say because you want to get to know that person, but you're also trying to focus on like how you feel in that person's presence, and like you know what what is going on inside of you, and like the journey that you've got to take to get to the date, and like the time you've got to um carve out for that date as well, like all of that stuff does take energy, it really does. Um and so on top of that, having to play it cool and like not not be too you know forthcoming not be too honest with how you feel. Oh I just it really isn't for me, it really is not for me. It's not for me. And if it means that I have to be like that to like find someone in the modern day, I actually won't do it. I really won't do it. I would rather I would rather be on my own for now, genuinely. I do not have the capacity for it all. It's too much rot it's too much of a roller coaster, you know, and also like how people are able to say so much to just like get what they want and then never like contact you again or like reach out again and they sleep at night, like I don't understand that. I could I can't understand it, and I won't start to I won't even try. Um I really don't like that kind of behaviour. I think it's very disrespectful and it disregards real people and real feelings, and it takes no, it really doesn't take much to acknowledge somebody, it really doesn't take much to be honest with somebody. You know, even if you want to say like, look, I'm really sorry, I thought I was ready for something, I'm actually not. And because there is so much, like coming back to my first point, because there's so much like hanging on like on the line because of like because of what what could be, you know? Like when you when you're interviewing for jobs, right, it's it's quite similar in that way because it's like I really want to be at this place for a long time, ideally, so I really want to make sure that this place aligns with not only like my salary expectations but the culture and the people and the type of work that I'd be doing. So you've got like expectations that you really need to have been met, and if they don't, and like or or if something really aligns, but for some reason, like you don't get the job, it's really painful, like it's very, very painful and it's sad to go through. But at the same time, like I'm gonna use the cliche of everything happens for a reason, like sometimes you don't you don't get the job that you want because you need to be better, you know, you need to develop your skills more on a certain area of the of the craft that you you know of of the area that you're working in, and so you know when you're dating people and they show, and this is like me speaking directly to me right now, which is funny because it'll be interesting when it comes to posting this episode because I have pre-recorded a few, so it means that like this will be this will be published in a couple of weeks, and I wonder where I'll where I'll be with that, but yeah, like where I'm at right now, like there is there's someone in my life who I definitely feel as though they are presenting a lot of things that I could see in a future partner, and um, and it's so lovely, like it's so nice to feel that way about somebody. Uh but you know, maybe it'll go down the line a little bit further, and I will I will notice something that doesn't seem to align with something that they're doing that doesn't align with who I am, or maybe I won't align with you know what they want. And I'd like to think that I'll be curious and open-minded in that moment if it comes to want to understand a little bit further, you know, and um and give myself the opportunity to learn from that experience, you know, whether it is like something that I do or um or just where we don't align properly, like and actually have that conversation. Um, which maybe sounds a bit crazy and slightly strange, but uh I don't know. I I kind of would like to learn because I feel like this experience of getting to know people um and like dating as a whole is just such a it just can be so scary, and actually it doesn't need to be that frightening, it's just people getting to know other people. We do it all the time, like we really do, and yeah, of course there is a pressure because of like what it is that we would like for it to come into, but actually, like all we're doing is getting to know someone else, that's all it is, it's not really um that deep like yeah, your life is not gonna depend on the fact of whether or not that person likes you or whether you like that person. So I guess approach it with slight more with a bit more levity and um more philosophically, my dad likes to say, uh yeah, yeah. I think that's kind of that's where I'm at at the moment. I guess I also just want to say that, like, kind of just to round it off by saying owning your feelings, like owning where you are, you know, taking accountability for those, for what's going on, it will get you so far because it means that you you're aware of how you feel and how you present and what's going on, and like if you say to somebody like I really like you, I really really like you, I would like to, you know, see where this goes. Like, I think that your company, I really enjoy your company, and they turn around and say that that they're not in the same place, and that's not what they're looking for. Uh, that's perfectly fine. Like, yes, it hurts in the moment, but it means that you you've got the truth, you've got what you want, and you know that like I'm in a place where I want something with someone like you. Doesn't necessarily mean it has to be you, but it means that it's someone like you. So, thank you so much for what you've taught me. I'm gonna respectfully move on. And I do want to say, people that come into this knowing what they want but will not own what they want, that's who I have an issue with. Because if you come into this and you're saying, I really, really I'm looking for someone long term, like I want a partner now, like that's what I'm looking for in somebody. Like, I'm open to the fact that I will end up committing to this, potentially committing to this person, this person might you know be in my future, like perfect, that's fine, that's what you want. So honour that, own it, own it. Don't say you want those things to try to lure people into your vicinity and then do whatever you want with them and never respond to them again and never give them a genuine reason as to why. That's not cool. I don't like that. I really, really don't like that because it leaves the person confused. Now that person could turn around and ask questions. Um, I actually have just reminded myself I've asked questions before. I have asked questions, and it's really funny because some people will honestly answer and other people get really like scared and don't have a genuine answer for me, and get the knickers in a twist for lack of a better phrase, and it's and that is the answer, that is the answer that you want. Um but it is funny, it is a funny, funny experience, and yeah, I just urge you to to feel to feel and own your feelings. There is nothing wrong with feeling and owning your feeling, feelings, being a human, experiencing this life. Um, it's the greatest gift actually to to be to live and to feel, and um, and the the the more connected you are to yourself and and how things come up in you, um the the closer you would be to to finding someone that that aligns to to what you want, you know. And this is another thing, you might think you know what you want, but then you start to get to know a variety of people, and all of a sudden, like, oh wow, this has changed. Like, I didn't realise I really like that about people, but I really like that, and so you then start to kind of like focus more on those characteristics, like that is the beauty of it, like it's so it's actually so um exciting, it's such an exciting thing, you know, and and like all of the feelings and like emotions and dressing up and looking nice and feeling good, and so yeah, that's where I'm at. I hope um yeah, I hope that you I hope you enjoyed today's episode. It was a slightly more personal um episode, like just directly kind of coming from my experience and what I'm going through as of right now. Um yeah, you're more than welcome to disagree with me. You like I don't have to be telling you this, but you don't have to agree with me whatsoever. But please be kind if you don't. I'm open to suggestions, I'm open to other opinions. I this place is not just exclusively for me to talk about how I think and feel. Um I want to learn from a variety of people's um experiences as well. But one thing I definitely will say is I'm not a victim to this. It might have come across as though like I am a little bit of a victim because I'm sort of saying, you know, like I don't really like the way that society dresses up the fact that we can't feel. I will not be a victim to that, like I will not subdue my feelings and my emotions and who I am in order to succeed in this area of my life. Like, that's just not gonna happen. I'm not gonna lose myself in order to find someone else. That is not gonna happen. Um, nor like not on not in my world, in my life. I um I've come way too far for that to for that to happen, so so yeah. Um yeah, I hope, yeah, I hope you've managed to get something out of this episode. Um, even if it is just like to relate to me um and kind of understand where it is that I'm coming from and feel maybe a little bit heard and seen. Um, or maybe you've learned something about my mind. Um whether that's a good thing, I don't know, but uh yeah. So yeah, I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this episode, and I hope to see you again very soon.