Not Being Perfect, But Doing It Anyway

‘There is no time like the present.’ 

Possibly one of the most overused sayings… but I cannot argue with it! 

I find myself talking myself out of so many decisions and ideas that honestly wouldn’t cost me much to explore, because I’m scared I don’t know enough/ scared of getting it wrong/ scared of feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I don’t judge myself for doing this, I know I do it because I am trying to protect myself from pain and rejection, but I am starting to realise that there is no bigger pain than not doing something and thinking: ‘what would that have been like?’ Because you never give yourself the chance to explore it.

That’s what todays episode is about. I really love how this one came out and I hope you enjoy it too ♡ 

I also reference:

• Susan Jeffers: ‘Feel the Fear and do it anyway’ 
• Captain Fantastic (Film)
• Coral Santoro: ‘A winner is a loser who tried one more time’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoJcom4KFrM (Jay Shetty’s pod episode)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to a Curious Mind podcast. Today's episode I want to be talking about not being perfect but doing it anyway. The idea of just doing something out of sheer passion or interest and not knowing all of the information and kind of doing it anyway is something that's very like I think that a lot of us would feel quite scared about, you know, like just starting something and not being good at it. And I think that like I'm an I'm naturally quite a perfectionist in my life. And so I I want things I naturally want everything that I do to be perfect, every word that comes out of my mouth, every um item of clothing I put on, um every interaction I have, like I have this desire that I want it all to be perfect, and saying it out loud, I know how ridiculous it sounds, I know how unrealistic and also just like unattractive it is, actually, to want to be this way. But I think that like I have a natural tendency to want those things, and I think that social media for me has been a huge facilitator in that type of mindset of like everything is perfect, everyone's lives are perfect, everyone's relationship is perfect, everyone's job is perfect. Um, it's just you see people at such a high in their life, and you um compare and realize that you're not in a perfect place. Um and the idea of just starting something, even though it's far from perfect and figuring it out as you go along is also really scary to me because what if I get it wrong? What if I make a mistake? What if um I look stupid? What if people judge me? And I was on the train earlier this week. Um so I am currently looking for work and um I really want to work at this coffee shop in London, which I'm going to end up working at, called uh Roslyn. It's a coffee chain in the city of London. And I was on the train into London because I um I've been trying to get a job at this chain for a little while now, and I've not had any luck online, so I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way. So I got on a train with my CV and I went into one of the coffee chains, and on the way there, I wrote some things in my journal of like or in my notes of just thoughts that were coming up into my mind. And one of them was the beauty of an awkward and far from perfect life. Wading through the mess and identifying your shortcomings, let it teach you rather than embarrass you. So, like on Monday, I was feeling quite embarrassed, I was feeling quite ashamed, I was just feeling quite like vulnerable because I was going into a coffee shop, like it could be really busy. I didn't know if there was going to be a manager there, and I knew that it was slightly unconventional what I was doing, like dropping my CV off because people don't do that anymore, everything's online. Um, and I got there, and I was reminding myself, I was like, these people are just people, they're just human beings, they have nothing, you know, they're not any, you know, more powerful than you in any sense, they're just another human being that have got a job at this place that you want to work at. And I walked in and it was quiet, and I asked for the manager after ordering for my coffee, and the lady was super friendly and super kind and was like, Yeah, of course I'll call her over. And then I got my coffee, and there was like a huge wave of people that came in, so I like stood like in the corner, and because of the environment of this coffee shop, um it's weird when someone kind of like lingers around, like, usually people are just like in and out getting their coffee, so it was quite strange. I could feel people looking at me, they probably weren't looking at me, but I could feel people looking at me because I was the only one stood there waiting, and like 15 minutes passed, and I was just there in the corner drinking my coffee. Now I promise you this: if that was maybe a year ago, I would have walked out, I would have been just so embarrassed. I would have just felt so embarrassed at the fact that I like waited like a melon in the corner for 15 minutes and no one came, and like I just I thought that everyone was looking at me, and I just I did. I felt I felt so embarrassed, like I was like begging for a job basically. But I stood my ground, I stood my ground, I stayed there, I waited, and the lady came out, the manager, she um like sorted out the the wave of of people, and then um she went back into the office, and I was like, Fuck, I was like, I've missed my chance. I was like, Do you think that she came out already and like didn't see me? And like, have I just like spiralling in my mind? So then the lady that the the girl earlier that had served me, she was there, and um I went to her, I was like, Hi, sorry, like is it okay if I speak to the manager? And she was like, Oh my god, I'm so so sorry, like completely forgot, of course you can. So she brought the girl, the lady back out, the manager lady, and um it was so lovely, like the interaction was so cute. She came up to me and was like, you know, super friendly, and I was like, Look, I am sorry about this unconventional way of doing it, but I've noticed there's a couple of free um positions online. I've applied online, I've not had any luck, and I thought I'd just try my chances at being you know, trying in person. And she was like, Of course, yeah, no, absolutely, like that would be fine, I can take that in and whatnot. Um, and it was just a really, really nice interaction. And I walked out of there like literally high. I was so so proud of myself because um, yeah, to to probably the general public or like most of my listeners, that might seem like a very small thing that I did, but in that moment, I like I stood up for myself, like I stood my ground, I stayed in an uncomfortable situation where I could see that like obviously people were like, Why is she stood there? Like, I don't really like receiving attention, funnily enough, with a podcast. I don't really like receiving like too much attention in person. Um it it I think socially it just m feels like you're just being banished. Um, and so that was quite uncomfortable. But I stood my ground, I stayed there, the interaction was really kind. The girl had just forgotten to call her manager out, which is so fair because there was a huge wave of people that came in. And basically, the the the moral of the story is that like that experience was far from perfect, that experience was far from what I had idealised it in my head, but I got what I needed to get done, done. And I think that I probably came across quite well in that moment because I had I had shown like that I wanted to speak to the manager so that I could give her my CV directly. Do you know what I mean? Like I think that like in a roundabout way it was it was well received because I was showing like a desire to be there. And I think that like if we if we just like I mean how many of you listening have, you know, a passion, an interest, something that like you could read about for hours or watch videos on for hours or listen to or speak about for for hours on end? Like, how many of us have something like that? And we just shun it off as like I could just never do that, and that's it, that's all it ends up being is I could just never do that, I could never do that, and you know, I I have always been that person, and so many people in my life have always been that person, and I could I understand why it's it's a real big fear of rejection, it's fear of like doing badly at something that you love so much, but I think the fact that you have that fear means that you'll do well, like and and the thing is, is of course, like everyone has a different way of judging success. But I think that in my mind, success is doing something that you love and managing to do that, you know, regularly. Maybe it's not every day, and maybe it's not the form of um your form of income, but if you get to do it every day or or often, um I think that's success, you know, and um I think that because we we strive for like the most conventional form of success, which is like you do that thing and you earn money from that thing, we then shy away from like just doing it in the first place, and like me in this podcast, like I genuinely of course I would love for this podcast to like make money, who doesn't want to make money, but that was never the intention for this podcast. This podcast is a place where I just want people to feel as though they are safe and seen and heard and perhaps related to, and um and I knew that it was gonna be far from perfect when I started. I knew that it was gonna it wasn't gonna look the way I wanted it to look, I wasn't gonna sound the way I wanted to sound. Um but I knew that I had to start, I needed to start because um I mean I'm I'm this is now me filming, I think the ninth episode. Like I'm nine nine I'm nine episodes in and I feel a lot more comfortable in front of the camera. I feel a lot more like I've got like a more of a like a flow and a routine of like how to film and then how to edit and how to sort everything out and then upload it and whatnot. Um and these are things that I've had to like figure out in a clunky, you know, unconventional way. Um you know, not a very easy way, and I've managed to do it, you know. I'm I'm managing to do it. I've got a podcast that comes out every single week. Um and you know, it it's kind of it's flowing, it's running, right? Um but it's not perfect, it's not, it's not like what I would love for it to be eventually, but I but I've done it, I'm doing it, and it and it brings me joy, it brings me so much joy. It's unbelievable how much sitting in front of a camera, um, talking to yourself about an idea that you had earlier this week or on your morning walk or with a com with a a close you know friend or or loved one, um, you know, and just getting into the weeds of your own mind about that thing and working through it and saying things and being really vulnerable and being really truthful, um, it really helps. It really, really helps. It brings me a lot of joy. And I for that reason, this is a success to me. This is a success. I like I don't need um I don't need it to do anything else but that, you know. I can carve out, you know, an hour of my day to film, another two hours to edit, and then like uploading and whatnot doesn't take long at all. I can carve that out in a week, whether or not I have like a full-time job or my course is going really well and I need to like put more time on that. Like, I can carve that time out, and I will carve that time out because this is important to me, and this brings me so much joy. This brings me so much joy, and this week I've not really had like something concrete that I've wanted to speak about, which is which is similar to how I felt when I um filmed the podcast when I had like my my podcast a couple of years ago. I got to a point where I sort of started to be a bit stumped because I think I was putting a lot of pressure on what it was that I needed to say and how I came across. And I realized that like actually just sometimes just speaking and like letting your thoughts run and um and being truthful and being honest is is actually just what you need. Um and and this is when my idea of like the lack of perfection uh should not stop you from trying came. Um and this is coming from a perfectionist, like I am I am very, very hell-bent on things being as perfect as possible. Um, you know, I've got a an essay due for my course at the moment, and I don't want to start it because I'm scared that I'm not gonna like write about the thing that I should be writing about, and I'm procrastinating and pushing it away because God forbid I like don't get it right the first time, you know. But I think that even through I'm saying this now to myself, through exploring like the different ideas and avenues that I could potentially write about, that will be helpful, that'll help me in the future in this career that I'm going into. Do you know what I mean? Yes, it might be wasted time when it comes to the essay, but I think all of the time that I have spent or will end up spending trying to decipher and understand what it is that I want to write about is time spent investing in my eventual career. But how have I just come up with that? I had no idea I had that in me. It's just not that deep. This is the thing, like we think that like our time is wasted if we do something and it doesn't work out, like if we try something new and it doesn't work out, our time is wasted. No, it fucking isn't. It actually really isn't. It's just time spent understanding and getting closer to what it is that you want. Like, how is that wasted time? Like, this Roslyn uh coffee shop that I really, really want to work at, I kind of I have more of an edge because I have worked at a coffee shop previously in my life. That experience that I had at that previous coffee shop was dire. I hated that experience, but because of that experience, I now have a leg up in getting a job in the coffee shop that I really want to work in. And yeah, I know that like a coffee shop doesn't sound like the most crazy, you know, place to work at, but blame me, I know there's a lot of people that want to work at this coffee shop, like it's a lovely, lovely place, and you can tell that they look after their their employees, and so people want to work there. And so, like, it's just I could look at it like the experience, the really awful experience I had at the local coffee shop here was wasted time, was you know, wasted energy and whatever. It really wasn't, it was so important for me. It was so important not only to understand myself more, but to understand what the fuck was going on there and that I needed to get out of there and to know the signs, the real, the real signs of like a toxic working environment and relationship that could be potentially there. And that experience has actually helped me, that dire, dire experience has helped me in other toxic environments and toxic working places, and I've just been like, no, I don't, I'm not going to repeat this cycle, like I'm not gonna give you a thousand different chances to try to like prove to me that you're you're an okay person. It's just sometimes you're in a bad mood and you will take it out on me, and that's just how it should be. No, it's really not. I'm here to work, I'm not here to hear your I'm not here to be your therapist, and I know that I am I know that I am training to be a therapist, but if I've got job, if I've got a job in a place that doesn't require me to be a therapist, and I'm not being paid to be a therapist, I'm not gonna be your fucking therapist. Um so anyway, I learned that in that experience, and that has helped me in our other working relationships, and it now will help me get this dream job of mine. Um it's also like I love the whole point of wading through the mess and identifying your shortcomings, let it teach you rather than embarrass you. Like the idea of you know being, experiencing, like figuring it out, and it's a mess, you know, and you're stumbling upon yourself, and you don't make sense, and it's it's messy and it's not very attractive, but that way, like your your shortcomings are are so much more obvious, they're so much more like apparent, it's like there's a there is like a direct spotlight on your mess on your shortcomings, and like and that way it gives you such a beautiful opportunity to just like pick those shortcomings out from the experience and like learn from them. Remind yourself that you're just a human being, you're figuring it out, you haven't done this before, or if you have, it's been a really long time, and you can just shine a light on them and and be curious, explore them, you know, explore your shortcomings, explore why um why that might be the case, and how you can make sure you don't repeat that in the future and learn from that and know that like that is all of a learning lesson. I I love that. I I think that like I think that I have been so shy and so worried about getting it wrong and not being perfect that I have definitely closed myself off to just being, and dating has been so good for me in that because I have I made a promise to myself that I was just gonna be me. I wasn't going to um like dress myself up as somebody else or like play someone's game or like just in order to get attention from someone that I I liked or I thought I liked. And through this experience, I have learnt how um anxious my attachment style is and how I naturally am drawn to more avoidant people. Um so like people that don't know the attachment styles, you've got an anxious attachment, an avoidant attachment, and a secure attachment generally. Um secure says what what it says on the tin, like you're relatively fine on your own, you're fine with yourself, like yeah, it's it's a pretty healthy, like you you enjoy attachments, but you're okay on your on your own. Um an avoidant attachment is like when it gets when you get too close, you start to sort of pull away because you're scared of like of the attachment. And an anxious attachment is like you kind of draw yourself towards the attachment, like you need, you need you're anxious around it, you're you need like you need validation, you need to be held and like seen, and and I'm definitely like it my whole life I thought I was secure. My whole life until this year I thought I was secure, and yeah, this year I've just I've realized that I'm not that I'm actually very much more anxiously attached, and um I have realized that I have created a pattern in my dating life, even though like the people were very different and the way they present is very different, like the looks-wise and just like characteristics are different. They have all been avoidant attachment styles that I have like been drawn towards and like search and like run after. Um and they're the ones that have hurt me the most because they have never amounted to anything serious. Because when they start to pull away, I start to run towards they pull away even further, and then my heart hurts too much to to do anything, so then I just cut them off. Um, and that has been like a cycle that I have repeated a handful of times in my dating history, and that is not it's it's not a fun experience to go through. But through through doing this, through going and experiencing a variety of different connections and attachments, I I held the spotlight to my mess and my shortcomings and realized that I was doing this to myself, that I was choosing people subconsciously that were more avoidant, and therefore um wanted my value and my uh and my worth to be like expressed by them, by them choosing me, and they won't choose me because they're avoidant, and I would run after them and and try to make myself feel chosen and valued, and um and that has been um that's been a very painful thing to go through, like and I say it with a smile on my face because I'm in a really good place now, but um, yeah, that that's been a very, very painful thing to go through, and I I've now been able to turn it around, shine a spotlight on this tendency of mine, and not not um judge myself or or berate myself or get upset or frustrated at myself for it, because beforehand I would be like, why are you you know, like, why why are you letting this person you know like ruin your day and like you're worthy, you're you're better than this, and just really judge myself for it. And I actually just turned it around and was just like okay, we've gone down this path again, that's okay. There's clearly a lesson for us to learn here, and then like what the left what is the lesson? Let's be curious, let's open this lesson up, let's see what's inside, and um, and through that I've been able to look at it from afar and see my behaviours and how those behaviours are causing other people to behave in that way, and how I will just carry on repeating this cycle unless it stops with me, unless I start to change. Esther Perel says this all the time. In relationships, we want the other person to change, we always want the other person to change, and that's never gonna happen. That will never ever happen. You will never get someone to change. However, if you are in a relationship, there is a relationship dynamic going on, regardless of whether or not you want to admit it. The way that you get things to change, not the other person, but things to change is by changing yourself. Because the minute that you change, the dynamic will have to change in order to accommodate your change. So for me, anxious avoidant, right? For those listening, I'm just like putting two circles in the air. I'm anxious on the right hand side, the other person's avoidant on the left. I am drawn towards them anxiously. I'm running towards the avoidant, right? And the avoidant is running away from me, and then I run towards them and the avoidant runs away from me. If I want this dynamic to change, because again, I could never change them, they will not change, I have to stop where I am, and maybe even pull back. And when you do this, they come back because they're confused, because their whole reality and the whole dynamic that has happened between the two of you has shifted because you're not running after them anymore. This is like it's it's textbook, and it's so funny because you think that people are curious and mysterious. We are not, we are actually very, very simple beings, and so I I did this. I did this with a recent connection of mine who was avoidant because I st I I managed to pull myself out of a spiral I was in, look at it from afar, and realise okay, I I actually deserve more than this. Like, I I I personally don't want this for myself, I don't want this kind of dynamic. So I stopped where I was and I started to slowly pull back, and they came, they came to me. They came to me and they, you know, tried and and like I'm not trying to speak badly about this person whatsoever, actually. I think that they're a wonderful, wonderful individual. But the way that they deal with relationships and their their approach is not healthy for me. It causes well too much much anxiety within me, and I I don't have the capacity for that, I don't want that, and in fact, I am experiencing with somebody else something that is so much more akin to my type of my type of relationship. It's so much more in line with who I want, you know, and and I'm I don't need to run after, I don't need to be validated, I don't need to be chosen because I already am, because it's not something that I've had to work for and prove myself to to get. It has just been that way because I've been respected and I've been acknowledged and I have been prioritized. And honestly, like I need to thank this other person, this new person. They're not as new actually, because this has been going on for a little while. Um, but I need to thank this person for showing me like literally how that kind of attachment and connection exists, and I am more than within my right of experiencing it. But I do think that I knew that before. I think that I knew that, and that's why I decided to start pulling away from the previous connection because I knew that something more akin and more in line, aligned with with me was out there, and I found that because I was open, and I'm very aware of how I can be that way. I'm very aware with this new connection, this healthier, more aligned connection. I'm aware that I still have an anxious attachment style, and I'm aware that that can that could become a problem. Um but only through having this recent other experience where it was so apparent that I was anxious, and it was so apparent that I was a bit messy with this this approach of mine. Have I been able to like actually look it in the eye and be like, okay, I can see how this could be a problem for me in my future connections. So let's deal with this, let's look, let's like look into this, let's you know, let it rear its ugly head, let's figure it out because I don't want to now jeopardize this new healthy this healthier and stronger and more stable connection as a result of my shortcomings. And I I'd like to think that this this person will be able to hold my shortcomings and um and they're patient enough to to work through it with me, but it's also not their job to do that, it's not within their they don't need to do that for me, and I don't expect that from them. I don't expect them to to hold that for me, you know. I think that it's important that I'm able to work through it myself, of course, with perhaps support from them, but not because they're helping me do it. Does that make sense? Like I I've managed to identify the fact that I'm not perfect, I've managed to identify the fact that I do have these shortcomings, and perhaps this is why I've had problems in my past, and now through understanding them, being aware of them, I can identify them, and I have managed to talk about it with this um with this new guy. Um and it's it's just cool, it's just creating like it's allowing me to create much more fulfilling connections and enjoyable experiences because I'm able to look at my my shortcomings with kindness and curious and respect and accept them and and realize that they're there, and so I don't allow them to um overpower me and sabotage me. And if I was too scared to if I was too scared of um of these shortcomings of mine, if I was too scared at the fact that I'm not perfect, um, and I didn't stumble my way through dating to begin with, and find my feet and lose my feet and find them again and uh say things that I don't mean and go back on my word and and communicate myself incorrectly and um stumble through experiences and and like just experience, you know, just get in it, just get in the thick of it all and like figure it out, like have some pretty crap kisses. Um like if I didn't do that, I wouldn't know what it is that I'm looking for because I've now found something that feels very aligned with what it is that I'm looking for, and because of all of the recent experiences, it feels a lot more real and genuine, and I would have been doing myself a disservice if I was like, no, I need to do the work on my own first, I need to just like be a perfectionist at dating, I need to be the best at dating, right? Um, and then I kind of like just just you know completely close myself off to any new connections or any new experiences until I felt I was ready. I would have had to go through these experiences eventually, it just would have been a bit further down the line, and so it's a cliche, but it's true, there is no time like the present. Like just get out there, just get out there and figure it out. It's going to look messy, it's going to look ugly, it's gonna feel cringy, it's gonna feel uncomfortable, it's going to be exposing, you're gonna feel vulnerable, you're going to mess up, and you're gonna fail, and you're gonna fail quite a few times, and it's gonna hurt, and you're not gonna love it, and you're going to question why you did it. But all of this accumulates to something that ends up being so worthwhile and so enjoyable, and you will look back at the fact that you just gave it a go and started trying with such respect for yourself because it takes courage, it takes real courage to feel the fear and do it anyway. I don't know what oh, I think that's from Captain Captain Fantastic. Bravery is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Is that Captain Fantastic? Even if it's not Captain Fantastic, is a fucking good quote. And Captain Fantastic is a brilliant film. I know I'm kind of like maybe repeating myself in some ways with with previous episodes of mine, but this one is um this like specific thing of not being perfect and like figuring it out and stumbling it through is so is so underrated and it's not spoken about enough. And we need to remind ourselves of this because it's really easy to criticize and judge yourself for not being perfect the first time around, and like for being embarrassed, and and it's just like no, it that's not you need to just be able to shut that that stupid judge of yourself off and say, like, shut up. I'm a human being, I'm a human being figuring it out. Give me a break, right? This is my first time on the earth. This is your first time on the earth. We're all just figuring it out. Um, I'm gonna leave you with two quotes that I have heard recently that I loved, and I feel as though they are really um relevant and just important. The one that I heard recently, and it came from a short from one of Jay Shetty's podcasts with a blonde woman who I do not know her name. Um, I will find her name and I will put it in the description of this um episode. She said, um, he asked her, like, what is the best quote you've heard um through your career? And her answer was, a winner is a loser that tried again. I'm gonna say it again for those in the back. A winner is a loser that tried again. Okay? I hope you remember that one. And um, one that my mum sent me not too long ago. Again, I don't know where the quote came from, but I absolutely love it. Uh it takes a while to start sounding like yourself. It takes a while to start sounding like yourself. Um It does. Even though you're always yourself, even though you're always going to be you, we do things to fit in, we say things we don't mean, we pretend to be someone we we want to be, but we're not, and there comes a point where you start to realise no, being me is is so valid, is is just as valuable and even perhaps more valuable. Um and so you start channeling your authenticity and that authentic voice within you that so many people would benefit from and would appreciate. But it takes a while, it takes a while for that because you need to stumble through life, you need to stumble through the experience, uh you need to stumble through pain and suffering, challenges, embarrassment, cringe, social anxiety, um you know, physical pain. And yeah, it does take a little while, but you will start sounding like yourself, and when that happens, oh my god, it feels amazing! And I mean, I think that I feel I feel as though I sound like myself now, but who knows? Maybe in five-10 years, I'll be like, Oh, she thought she thought she sounded like herself, she had no idea, and I'm okay with that because right now I sound like who I want to be. I say things I know feel authentic to me, I explore things that are genuine to who I am, um, and I say things that I that yeah that I'm proud to say, so that's all I can ask of myself. So yeah, um, yeah. Thank you so much for listening to my podcast today. Um, and please just just start, just do something, something that will get you doing that thing that you love a bit more often. Pick up that book, buy that book, buy that book for a friend of yours that you know is really interested in that thing, and they just don't have the courage to do it themselves. Push the push the ball for them, do a little exchange. Say, I'll buy you this book, and you have to do something for me. Let's create an environment where we encourage each other to just be ourselves a little bit more. I think it's just like that is the most beautiful thing. Florence Given said in her podcast not too long ago about how like she used to be so worried about saying something or like making sure she like basically crossed the T's and dot dotted the I's with everything she said. She was like a walking disclaimer, and how that was taking away from her message because she she just wanted to say what she wanted to say, she didn't want to fluff it up with all of these things just in case she was scared that she was going to offend somebody that was listening. But she was like, When you click on this podcast episode, you want to hear me, you want to hear my thoughts and my opinions. It's not to say that like my thoughts and my opinions or or her thoughts and her opinions will be exactly aligned to ours, but that's the beauty of art, that's the beauty of expression, it's being yourself because people want to see that, people want to hear you be yourself. And I think that we are so scared to be ourselves because it opens up a door of people judging our authentic selves. But actually, I encourage that judgment. If you want to judge me, fucking judge me, judge me, genuinely do. I would rather you judge me and you're honest with the fact that you're judging me, so I know that you will arrive that you come to me with negative energy, and therefore I don't want you in my life, or I'm open to constructive criticism for sure. Um, you know, if you want to judge me and constructively criticize what it is that I'm saying, um, or a perspective that I'm taking, I am all ears. But if you want to judge me from a negative perspective, from a place of you know spite, that's okay as well. Go ahead and do it. It's just that you won't get the opportunity to do it again because I will have cut you out of my life. And I don't know why I've gone down that spiral, but basically, she was saying, Oh no, this is it. You know, we we want like I want nothing more than my loved ones to say how they feel, to express exactly what it is that's going on in their minds because I know that it's not always going to be aligned with me, but it means that I can understand them a little bit better and I understand where they're coming from a little bit more. There's always a reason, and we need to be that for ourselves, we need to be imperfectly perfect, we need to just figure it out and express ourselves and be ourselves in order for us to live authentically, and if you live more authentically, life is so much sweeter, it really is. It's so much sweeter. It's not easier by any means, is it easy easier? But it's sweeter, it's more satisfying, it's more purposeful, it's more enjoyable. So, anyway, um, okay, yeah. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I've really enjoyed filming this one, even though it's been a little bit sporadic. Um I will see you again next week.