My Relationship with Time

I’m currently learning how to live slowly. Take things in my stride and not overthink/overcomplicate what’s in front of me. 

I have had the privilege of being able to travel on my own. From that experience, one of the biggest lessons I learned was that having time and no one else’s thoughts or opinions clouding my own, means that I can actually take notice of what feelings come up in me depending on what I’m doing/who I am around. It has meant that I am able to love and look after myself in a much better way because I know myself better!! 

Today’s episode is about this experience and what I took from understanding myself better. I really hope you enjoy ♡

Transcript

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Welcome back to a Curious Mind podcast. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about time. If I rewind a little bit, last year I had the privilege of travelling Brazil for six months. I did it on my own, although I do speak Portuguese and my mum is from Brazil and I have family and friends out there, so I was staying for the majority of the time with family and friends, but I was doing a lot of stuff on my own because people are working during the week and I didn't have you know like people around to be constantly doing things with. So I grew up in the UK, um, and one thing about having a really living in a really rainy country is that we've got a lot of green spaces, and they're very green because of course they're well hydrated. And um and it's always been a part of my life, you know, since I was very young. We would always go to parks, go on walks. I I've always loved being in green spaces in parks, forests, fields, you know, like one of my favourite things to do is a festival in the field, and not just because of the music, but just because I'm like I'm in nature and I'm almost at one with the elements. Um take that how you will, if you want me to, if you think that I sound like a hippie or not, but um yeah, I I just I love I just love being I almost love like removing the obstacles of everyday life and being kind of like as close to as possible like being a human and so yesterday I was in London, which of course like is a city, it's um and is full of full of like buildings and noise and cars and bicycles and people and uh just like a lot a lot is going on and I love London. I'm I'm like I I adore that city so much. Um but I was there and I was like you know what I it's a beautiful summer's day, I'm gonna go and find one of the beautiful parks that we've got in the city, um, in and around the city, and I'm just gonna sit there for a little while and just be. And as I was kind of like walking to the park, I was walking through you know the most iconic parts of London, like past the Big Ben and Westminster Abbey, and the Houses of Parliament, um, and then you know, just like through the the the streets, and I came up to St James's Park, and it's like all of the architecture in London I I absolutely adore. I think it is just so so beautiful and classic. But the minute you get into a park and you see and like I do sound really biased, but London does it so well, like they they even have you know, like they look after the the the birds and like the wildlife that are within the parks, they make sure that they carry on cultivating and and staying because um it's important to the to the parks. And um yeah, I just walked around St. James's Park and I was looking at all of the flowers and all of the different colours and all of the birds and the water and the greenery and you I feel like people are different in nature, you know, like you're in the middle of a city, and it feels as though people just seem to slow down, they just take their time, there's no rush, they're just there, and you just feel like you're just a human again, you know? And I was reflecting on my my little walk and experience um in the park, and then I came home and I took the dog for a walk in in the local forest, and I was like, I am so grateful that I have taken the the opportunities that were given to me when I was given time to stop and actually just be and exist because it it has been the most powerful tool for me. I've been able to sit with and be with myself in a way that I never ever was able to do when I was at school and um when I started working because I felt as though if I wasn't actively doing something with my time all the time apart from when I was sleeping, then it was a waste, and that I was like wasting the time and the days away, and when you have nothing but the choice to just sit with yourself and just be and just exist and not constantly having to like think about who I'm gonna meet up with next and how I'm gonna, you know, what events on this weekend and what restaurant am I gonna go to, and what um, which are all things that I adore to do, but I also like doing them with time cut out to just be me and check in with myself, and that for me is what I do when I'm in green spaces. Like, I I can't not do it when I'm in green spaces. I I used to be like an avid podcast listener and like listen to music when I went on my walks, and I rarely do now. It's like my brain uh like is like desperate for just like a breath, and so the minute I get somewhere where I'm like on a walk or or doing something like that, my brain is like just switch it off and just be. And I listen to my feet crunching on the floor, and I listen to the wind in the trees, and I listen to a dog in the distance, I listen to my dog walking around, um, I listen to the squirrels and the birds, and I'm able to check in with myself and give myself time to see how I'm doing, feel how I'm feeling, and it has been so it has been like such a like a backwards lesson for me. It's been one of those like un one of those things that I didn't really realize I was learning from until I kind of look back on it now, and I'm like, wow, that was the most important thing, that was like such a fundamental thing for my growth, was the fact that I was able to sit through the growing pains, sit through and feel the growing pains. And I read that part of the book last week on the Tuesdays with Maury book, and how he speaks about you know letting a feeling penetrate you and fully, fully feel it, and then detach yourself from it, and only with time, only if you give yourself the time and the space to do that, are you able to actually execute that properly and be able to feel and allow those feelings to move and flow through you so that you're able to remove and and move away. Um and one thing that I have like really really realized over this like this time that I've had recently is how much I've been able to understand myself better. Now, by no means do I like get myself um to the extent that I would like to, um, but I kind of don't think that's the point at the same time. Um now what I mean by that is I've been able to really understand like what feelings naturally come to the surface after certain things happen. I feel as though instead of just like going through the flow and the and things and kind of just one thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing and not actually feeling what I'm actually experiencing and not actually feeling what is coming up for me as a result of those things, and and having just like the breath to having the space to reflect, I realize that like I have been I'm I'm in a place in my life where I have first of all never felt so aligned with my most authentic self um up until this point. Like I've I I'm sure I'll be even more aligned as I go uh you know as I carry on living, but up until this point in my life, I have never felt so like sure of my of my direction and my purpose and my voice and the person that I am, and it's because I've I've got that like the ability to just sit with myself, and also um I think I I feel as though I'm able to love myself in a much more efficient way now because I know what it is that I need. Again, when things get overwhelming, or just I need a breather, which is probably every single day, I know that finding a green space and being there helps my nervous system reset, helps me come back to myself and my body, and it massively helps me then, you know, like springboard off that. Um, and I know the kind of like the future career that I want to be going into, it requires a lot of mental strength, and I will get that from green spaces and nature and being in my body and not all in my mind, and so that's one of the things that I've learned. I've also learned that like I need to dance and express myself more and like use my body, like feel things more, like hug people that I love, hold people that I love, touch things, uh, dance, sing. I think that like again coming out of my mind and more into my body does wonders for my mind because it gives my mind time to just breathe and reset, and not reset, but just breathe and take a step back. And like, you know, when like you put a song on and you cannot not dance, you know when like it's like your body is like you're like putting it in shackles if you don't allow yourself to just like express, you know. Like I I go for those songs because it's almost like my mind like switches off and it just allow I allow my body to just take over and do what it needs to do because that's kind of what is needed in that moment. Um and time oh my god, like the amount of things you just learn over time, the amount of things you experience over time, the amount of things that make sense after time has passed. Yeah it's unbelievable how I may I'm someone who I love like the hustle and bustle of a city life and like the endless endless choices of things to do and the variety of people that you meet and the noise and the chaos and and just like the the buzz is buzzy, like I love it, I love it because it's just like um an amalgamation of just such a variety of people and backgrounds and stories and music and oh I just I love it, I really love it, but I cannot give that kind of lifestyle justice if I don't also go slow and like take my like take my foot off the acceleration and just stand still for a little bit, you know, and rest and reset, along with like sleeping, you know? Like sleep is not gonna cut it if you're living the type of lifestyle that I'm envisioning. Do you know what I mean? I just think that like you need to put your feet on grass. You need to touch a tree. Touch a tree, hold it, hug it, put your hand on a tree and feel all of the like the the feel every single part of the the trunk, the dips and the drives and the more rough parts and oh my god, and one of my most favourite sounds is like the wind blowing through the leaves. I feel like I'm just so like tiny, but like I'm just so insignificant and it feels amazing. That's kind of one of the reasons as to why I didn't want to um like I've made a conscious effort to not always cut out the the long pauses in this podcast. Um I cut I got this idea from Florence Given actually with her podcast because she said that like she really she's very selective with how she likes her podcast to be edited and she wants to make sure that it feels as though it's a conversation or like you know it it's not like heavily edited, it's kind of her thoughts coming out of her mouth, and the number of times she's left like big pauses between between what she has to say. And I found it so like refreshing because it is just human, it's real. Like we don't when we're speaking, we're not always saying things unless you know, unless like you know, you've got a pre-prepared speech or you're nervous, I guess, and you kind of like word vomit, but for the most part, we stop, we start, we go back on our word, we come back on ourselves, we reword something, and like and that that through that process we're kind of like refining and getting more like tuning ourselves to to exactly what it is that we we want to say, and we need time for that. We need we need time for that, and like when I'm like now that I'm learning to be a therapist, like one of the biggest things is like being um is active listening, and active listening not only is it like being aware of what that person has to say and the content of what they're saying, but like looking at their body language, noticing when they pause and giving them space to s to to pause and sitting in that silence because so often people will say like the most impactful or just like the the best bit of what they have to say is like at that full stop bit, and if you don't give time after that full stop to reflect on what they they said at that last point and the rest of what they had to say, you're not doing that person justice, you know, it's not fair because that person probably had like and of course, like it's a human thing, like it's not always possible, but it's like allowing that person the space for them to not feel rushed, for them to not feel pressured, for them to be themselves and work through their mind and work through their thoughts and feelings, and through all of that, they then start to somewhat get closer to what it is that they they need to say, what it is that they feel. But if you don't create that space, it just kind of becomes a conversation, and like again, there is always a time and a place for a conversation. But for example, like you know, in therapy, that's not really what you're there for, you're there to to understand yourself a little bit better or work through something that you're struggling with, um, and the only way that you can work through something that you're struggling with is first of all identifying what it is that you're struggling with, but if you're not able to identify what you're struggling with because you're kind of constantly like directing, you know, like thinking about the the other things rather than the issue that genuinely is there, but you can't identify it because you're just so far removed from your feelings, then it's not very helpful, you know. Um, and so I I think that that is such a powerful tool, like just being able to allow your thoughts and your feelings to unravel in real time and give yourself the space and the grace to allow them to show themselves, feel them, and move through, learn, you know, and and this is what I've realized recently is I I've been going through a lot of personal change, a lot of per and and not like I'm I I've not changed fundamentally as a person, but I think that I'm just I'm like calming into myself, you know, bit by bit, and it's been it's been a long, long time, and um it's taken it's taken time and it's taken work and it's taken effort and it's and it's like it's something that I'm I'm honestly actively doing like as much as I possibly can because I feel as though in so many ways in my life I was um programmed to not be me. So like now that I'm trying to reprogram myself to being me, it sounds so easy like just be yourself, but actually, like when you don't really know who that is or you don't really know what that feels like, it's a little bit difficult to go to know where you should like where you should point the the the steering wheel, you know, and like again it takes time. I said this in a couple of episodes ago, like it takes so much fucking time to actually sound like yourself because you're you're so worried about fitting well, you're so worried about surviving the first few years of your life, then you're worried about like fitting in that no, then you have a little bit of time where you're like this is fun. I like this, like you're like this toddler just like running around, like having the best time, you know, doing whatever the fuck they want, they do not care. Then you start to like perceive reactions and like social cues and um just like social norms and things like that, and you start to think like if I do that, I will probably be removed from from the group. So you start to refine yourself and like mold yourself in order to become more like to fit in more, but then from that you just get so like you just get better and better and better at fitting in and not at just being you. And um, and then it reaches a point where you're like, Okay, I've been putting on this mask for so long, and I didn't even realise I had a mask on, but something feels off, something feels off, and I can't quite put my finger in it, finger on it, and so something needs to change, and I don't know where to start. Um, and then that's kind of when that self-discovery comes, and it's like it's scary, and you know, I completely understand why people shy away from this sort of stuff, and some people don't even look this stuff in the eye at all in their lives because it is really scary, it's scary when you start to think like okay, it's time to know like what it is that I want, and I and one of the things I like thought about on my walk yesterday was like I've been dealt such a good hand in my life, I really have, and I mean that in the way of like I I was first of all privileged to give to have um such a stable foundation at home. Um you know, I I I my parents taught me and gave me such a safe space to be who I wanted to be. Um then throughout my life I have had experiences that I've chosen to turn into chat uh to turn into learning points and to into growth points through resistance, by the way, not just like oh this is a shit thing that's happened to me. What's the great thing that I can take from this? Ha ha ha ha. No, it's with resistance and with struggle and with frustration, with sadness and with crying, with depression, with anger. But I got through it, and I now stand here with a fucking good like hand, you know, of cards in life. They're strong. I've got a strong, strong hand. It could definitely be stronger and it will carry on strengthening throughout my life. But where I stand right now, like I have a fucking good hand, and I am so grateful that that is that is my like that is my reality. And it's because I and and I have had the the the chance to reflect on that. I've made the point of like looking at that and reflecting on that and realizing like how good of a position I actually am in in life, you know, and how that's so important, and how that has served me so well in my life and will carry on serving me, and I will carry on refining my hand, and I will carry on getting better and strengthening it, but I'm in a I'm in a very good place because of time because of the time that has passed, the things I have experienced, the choices I've made and not made, and the lessons I've learned as a result, the feelings I've felt, and the space I've given to be. So that now when someone asks me, like, who is Victoria? I have a I have a slightly better answer than what I maybe would have answered a year ago, two years ago. I know myself, I know who I am. I'm getting closer to her because I've had the time and the chance to think about like what it is that brings me joy, what it is that brings me purpose, what it is that does good for me, what it is that resets my nervous system, how I react to certain things, how I react without even realizing that that thing could even affect me. Oh my god. How many times do we you think like in your mind you're like, oh, if that was to happen to me, I would I would be completely fine. There, no way would that upset me, no way would that bother me, I'd be in I'm in such a good place, and then the thing happens, and like you are a complete wreck, and you're like, Oh I thought I had that in the bag. I thought that I was like so if I'm with that. No, I'm not. Like, how many times has that happened? And it's so funny. James Sexton says this. He was like, he was talking about relationships, and he was like, We need to give each other more grace. He was like, I have been, I'm 52, he he was a 52-year-old guy, he was like, I've been in therapy for 20 years, and I think I understand myself 70% of the time. He's like, and I'm in here. I do things that I don't understand why I do them, but I'm in here. So how the fuck am I supposed to understand somebody else 100% of the time? How why is it that in like modern-day relationships we expect somebody else to understand us 100% of the time when we don't even understand ourselves 70% of the time? And I was like, that is fucking genius because it's so true. Like, how are we supposed to you know like we this is why we just need to be more gracious, I think. We need to be more gracious because we don't we don't get it, we don't know what's going on, we're figuring it out and we need time to figure it out. Time has literally been my best friend. It has healed so many wounds of mine. So many. So many deep, painful wounds. And like sometimes it could just be a day from one day to the next. I mean, like the last episode I filmed last week, you know, that was a week ago from when I filmed it now, from when I'm filming now. And like I was in a in a very different space, it's very visible. Um you know like it is sometimes it's just a matter of days, sometimes it's a matter of hours, sometimes it's a matter of months and years. But one thing that you can trust is time. Time will carry you through it, it really will. That is my thought of the week. That is my point of curiosity that I have been reflecting on. Yeah. I hope you um I hope you got something from this. I certainly did, as always. Yeah. I always find it really difficult to like finish these episodes. I don't know how to kind of like move on from you know this deep point that I've been speaking about and mulling over in my mind to like okay, thank you so much. Oh god, that has been my point of curiosity this week, and it will carry on being, and I'm sure I'll have things to add to it eventually. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that you have a great rest of your week, and I will see you again next week.