Dealing with the unknown

In this episode, I speak about ‘the unknown’. 

I grew up in a culture that is quite uncomfortable with ‘the unknown’. We are constantly planning for the future, always looking ahead and naturally struggle to be present and in the moment. I find comfort in control and in planning but it also gives me a lot of anxiety because I know that I cannot actually plan out how my life will look.

Over the last year, me and ‘the unknown’ have become friends. I have realised that all I really have control over is this present moment. So I show up for myself time and time again and let life decide the rest. It’s helped me stay more present and actually enjoy the surprises that have shown up for me!

I hope you enjoy this episode ♡

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to a Curious Mind podcast. I am a little bit nervous for today's episode because I'll get into it, but I had quite an insightful week. Uh both like super, super just like painful, like just quite painful. Yeah, like I had quite a painful like feelings week. Um my feelings were definitely sore. Um and also like because of that pain and because of that uh that experience that I had, I have never felt so such pride within myself of just like like just how far I've got and how far I've come. Um when it comes to to dealing with life's challenges. Um so I'm kind of like a little bit raw, like I feel like my feelings are quite like exposed. I feel like I'm still very much navigating um the next few days and just like what will come from this experience. Um and so yeah, I feel I feel a little bit nervous to film today's episode because um I just feel like I'm kind of navigating and I think I have direction, but but I'm sort of leaning on like my support system and on myself. This week um someone that I was seeing basically uh someone that I was seeing told me that they didn't want to see me anymore. And um, and the reason that it was so painful was one, the way they went about kind of letting me know I found was um just really unclear and just difficult to understand, um, but also because I had come, I had somewhat convinced myself that like this is what something healthy should look like. Um and it's not to say that the the connection and that I had with that person was unhealthy, um, but I guess I kind of like had put together like this is what healthy should look like, and like this is kind of like what my future partner is gonna look like. So um we had only been seeing each other for a little while, and um and I and I had sort of um definitely envisioned and imagined a much much larger and bigger relationship and future with this person than what what the reality was and actually what had happened between us. Um and so it's really funny now that I'm kind of like on, now that I know that it's not gonna happen, I'm able to look at it with clearer eyes and realise that like I very much was just like in a dream state with that relation, with that connection, and um and I was sort of just like trying to fill in the gaps as much as possible to give myself reassurance because I was sort of like just wholly invested in this person, um, and like that is a lesson that I am starting to uncover and understand about myself um a little bit more because it's really important that I learn that like I've said in previous episodes like I feel very deeply and I I kind of I'm very intense and um and I think it's a beautiful thing about myself. I think that I I like I think that it'll always be a part of who I am, but I also think that it's important that I I don't sell myself a dream and I don't buy into a dream that only I am telling myself um based on very little facts and evidence. So um, so yeah, I've been like I I'll admit and I'll get into this as well. Like I I was in pain, I was in emotional pain this week. I was yeah, it was hard. It was hard to to hear, it was hard to wrap my head around and understand and let go, especially because of the lack of clarity. Um but now that I'm on the other end, I'm I feel very I feel very proud of how I dealt with the situation. I feel very strong, um, and I feel like I can see again the the I'm sort of like reaping the benefits of the many, many months and actually years of like self-work I've been doing where like I genuinely am okay and I am excited actually for what this like next chapter now brings because I learned so much about myself with that person. Um I learned because I learned so much about myself when I was sort of like getting to know that person. Um it created an environment that kind of like the dynamic that we had created an environment for me to to understand um like my own shortcomings and like what it is that I need to work on in within myself in order to show up as authentically and um just like in my best way for the for the right person. Um and by the way, like I know that kind of sounds like almost just like kind of a bit robotic, but I don't mean that. I mean like because I hadn't really been dating much, um, when I started to connect with somebody and I started to notice that I was experiencing patterns of like anxious attachment, I was then able to identify that and work through that on my own. Like they didn't even, I mean, as in like I'd never even had a conversation with them directly about it. Maybe they noticed, but I don't know that if they noticed or not because I never had a conversation with them about it. It was just something that I allowed myself to to do, and it was facilitated by that connection. So I'm excited, I'm excited for like what like what this next chapter of my life now brings because I feel like I'm in a much sturdier place within myself. Um and yeah, I yeah, I'm excited, but that brings me on to sort of my relationship with control and how I I have such like I find such peace and I find such um relief when I feel like I'm in control of a situation, so like I it's almost like I I see this whole thing as like black and white of like okay, so that person has made a decision that I am completely out of like I cannot change that person's decision, nor do I want to change their choice, like their decision. Um but that's like completely out of my control. So I will regain the control by choosing to make sure that I accept the situation for what it is, and I take the lessons that I need to learn from the situation, and I move forwards. The irony of it all though is I threw myself into that connection because I felt as though I could envision I could just see like they just seemed so different to the previous connection that I had had that I was like okay, so this must be good because that previous connection was quote unquote bad. And I was like almost trying to like tailor uh my yeah, like my date, my dating experience, because I was like, okay, so I've had one experience that was definitely a bad experience, and now this experience is different to that experience, so they must be good. But in actual fact, it not that that second experience was a bad experience, but it was uh not the right experience uh for me, as in like it was good, it was right for that time of my life, but it's not like something forever, and um I just find it really ironic because I had like I felt as though I was so like selective, like I was so I was so sure that I was sort of like making the right choices and like controlling you know the the factors of like okay, so like this is characteristics that are different to that person, so that means this and that and that like comparing comparing people ultimately, and that's like just not that's just not you can't do that, like you really cannot do that, and I like again like I uh we all do it right, we all do it. I'm not like I'm not this freaking like awful, awful person that's just like manipulating people that I get to know. That's not at all what what I'm saying. Um, we do that, like we we project onto people that we meet and relationships that we have, fears, worries, insecurities, desires, wants, needs that we might that we carry from our past, we project them onto um like new things, um, in order for those new things to fill a void, to fill some sort of like emptiness within us. We all have like an emptiness because like I was speaking to my colleague about this at the weekend, like we have like a baby brain, and that like when we're a baby, like babies want abundance, babies don't know when enough is enough. Like we want to be, we want to possess, like we want to have like possession over our mum and our dad. Um, we like it's it's this this overwhelming of uh a desire to just have and have and have because babies don't know any, like babies don't know any different. Do you know what I mean? Like they they don't know that there's limits to these things, they just want, right? And we all we all have like an element of that in our minds where it's like we're we're constantly searching for that abundance and that more and that hole that wasn't filled, even though many, many other holes were filled by you know, like healthy relationships and healthy upbringing, or like whatever. Do you know what I mean? Some people, of course, have um much more privileged or much more abundant points of view than others, but we all have that, do you know what I mean? Like we all have that kind of like that that yearning within us, um that is trying to tend to a part of ourselves that wasn't um that wasn't like looked after or or that wasn't satisfying, like it wasn't satisfied when we were younger, right? And so like I understand why, and so I understand why I kind of like threw myself into these situations with such a desire to control because like I wanted so badly to get it right, um, and the reason I want to get it right all the time, I have to be fucking perfect all the time, is from my childhood, and um but people aren't like that, like you can't do that with people. You can try, you can try all the fuck you want, but it's not gonna get you anywhere, it's not going to get you anywhere because people are not projects, people are not projects, the people you date are not a project that you have to work on, and then like you'll eventually get like a pat on the back for doing well. People are people, people are people with feelings, with experiences, with a past who also project onto you, and all we're doing is fucking navigating each other's fears, insecurities, anxieties, projections in the most gracious and forgiving way possible. And we're going to get it wrong, and it's not going to work every single time, and you kind of have to just take it on the chin. You have to get yourself back up, dust yourself off, and keep going. In the sense of like, get yourself up, allow yourself to hurt, allow yourself to feel, but dust yourself off and keep walking forwards. Learn from it and keep walking forwards. And like, I was absolutely projecting, like I was too muddled, I was very muddled in my mind with what it was that I was searching for and what it is that I would like. And I don't actually know if I have an answer to that still. Um, but I but I was very much just like this person, this experience, bad. This experience, different to that experience, therefore good. And actually, I'm now that I'm a little bit further away from them, I'm now discovering that the first experience was not nearly as bad as I made it out to be in my mind to kind of make peace with it. And like we like I remember saying this in my first episode of like we're walking contradictions, and like I understand why we convince ourselves that like a situation or a person is a bad thing for us, and like therefore we just sort of close the the chapter and that's it. And I I think that for some experiences, like that is the best approach. You do know what I mean, like, you don't have to kind of like explore and understand and be open-minded to hearing every single opposing opinion and thought and perspective on things because oh, life's well too short to like be going into that. Um, I mean, I think only like monks could be able to do that, and cracky, I mean, that yeah, um, that's very admirable, but I don't know if I have the wherewithal to do that. Um, but yeah, I kind of like I I had convinced myself in order for me to make peace with and understand and close that chapter within me and have that closure within me, that like that previous experience was an objectively bad experience. Um, but I have since been proven wrong. I have since been proven wrong. It's been a very humbling week. It's been a very humbling week. And my ego has taken several hits. It's taken hits when it comes to like something that I thought was good is now over, fine. Also, like this stance that I had taken within a different dynamic is actually like not real, it is not correct, is not the full truth, so therefore I was wrong, fine, and like I feel like this this this whole um this whole like foundation that I had created for myself when it came to like understanding and deciphering like these people that I was getting to know has just completely shattered from underneath me, and I that's why I feel so raw, I think. Like I just feel like damn it, like I thought that I was kind of like you know, like you know, like in the army when like they have like shooting piles, like shooting planes, and like they have those headphones, and like people are like, um, okay, we've done the research and like you can shoot that that car because like that's a do you know what I'm trying to say? Like they've like someone's in a someone's in a helicopter, they've got like the earphones on, and someone from the army base is like they're like, Do I have the right to shoot this car that's like coming towards me at full speed? And then the army are like, wait, wait, wait, hold it, hold your fire, hold your fire. And then like they're like, go ahead, this car is a threat. And then you and then they do you know what I mean when I'm asking, I'm asking my camera if it knows what I mean. Um, anyway, that analogy is like kind of how I felt, right, when I'm like navigating dating, where it's like, I feel like I'm like trying to be as open as possible to information, and so like I'm kind of like not shooting, but like I'm kind of figuring it out, right? And almost like I feel like I just shot well uh like too early. I shot out of like I I took I took a shot out of like emotional just emotional like vulnerability and actually I just didn't have the the sufficient information to make the correct call and therefore I'm now kind of dealing with like my feelings being sort of scattered everywhere and and I and I I feel okay I feel okay with the mess, I feel okay with with the fact that it's messy, but I also am just like um like if only I had just like taken my foot off the acceleration just that little bit, and again, this is something that like I couldn't I tried to control and I tried to get right the first time and I can't go back and change anything, and I'm so glad it happened the way it did because I'm I'm so much better informed now, but it's just like it's really um it's just a lot sometimes, it's just a lot, and it's it's not I'm not like sat here saying like oh my god, like you know, I'm freaking in the trenches right now within my feelings, like that's not it, but it's just a lot of information to sort of just be like hit with all at once. Um and it's just like completely like everything that I had believed. I thought that the that everything was red and blue, and now I've been told that everything was actually blue and red, and I'm just there like oh, and I kind of and I am I massively contributed to the lack of information because I just turned a blind eye or I kept my mouth shut and I didn't express how was how I was feeling. I went to a sound bath last year and I loved it so much, and the woman At the beginning said we were talking about, I don't know what we were talking about, but she came out with this fucking banger. It was, I would sooner be hurt with the truth than believe a lie. I would sooner be hurt with the truth than believe a lie. And I think that I have been lying to myself. I think that I have been lying to myself out of a desire to protect myself. I think I have been lying to myself because I've actually just not known. And therefore, in order to bridge the gap of the what I do know and what I don't know, I lied to myself. All very valid and reasonable reasons to lie to myself, by the way. Like I'm not like judging myself whatsoever for doing that. I think that I had like I I was doing that in order to just like figure it out, you know. But I guess the whole I guess I guess kind of what it is that I'd like to focus on is just sitting with the unknown, becoming like as comfortable as possible, just sitting with the unknown and allowing that to just like linger. Florence Given uh says this. She uses the quote: the longer you linger, the deeper the magic. The longer you linger, the deeper the magic. And she uses that analogy when it comes to everything, but um one of the things is like when you're writing, like when you're creating, just like linger in that discomfort, linger in that unknown, linger. Allow it to be painful and uncomfortable and loud and messy, and just sit and linger. And the longer you linger, the deeper the magic and the opportunity and the juice of like what it is that you're figuring out will be. So I started this episode wanting to speak about like my relationship with control and like how much I just naturally like need control in order to feel at peace. But actually, I'm realizing in real time that sometimes just like letting it happen and just observing and allowing allowing it to happen. Of course, like show up for yourself, like do things that are good for you, and like be kind to yourself and be honest with yourself, but just linger with the unknown. Just allow it to be there, be aware of it, be curious, but just try not to like try not to do too much, you know, try not to control it too much. And and in those moments, magic comes because you discover something that was just so just so far from what your imagination could have ever conceived. So much more like juicy and satisfying and enjoyable so much more aligned with you and your frequency. The longer you linger, the deeper the magic. I'm really, I'm really gonna try and embody that for the next few days and just like next few days, next few weeks, next few months, just sort of like sit with the unknown. Because she also says this, like, our whole life is unknown. You know, we think that we can fucking control and predict our lives. Things come out of the woodwork all the time, curveballs are thrown, left, right, and centre. We we really we really don't know what our life entails, you know, and there's something so fucking sexy about that. There's something so sexy about the fact that like I have no idea what friend I'm gonna be, like, I'm gonna have in the next month that I have no idea, like I've never met them in my life, or I have no idea like what incredibly beautiful and fulfilling conversation I will have within the next year, and what that will do for me in my my mind, or I have no idea what kind of opportunity is gonna arise and the things that I will learn from that opportunity and the challenges that I will face. Like me a year ago, oh my god, what's the date today? Oh my god, oh my god, me a year ago, I compare I knew there was something significant. Yesterday marks a year from the day that I returned back from my travels from Brazil. What the fuck? Jesus, that whole experience had finished a year ago. Oh my god. Jesus. So much has changed. So much has like wow, oh my god. That I I need a I need a second to just like let that settle in. I came back from that experience, like truly, truly changed forever. I I loved that experience. I traveled lots on my own. I met incredible people, I made some beautiful friendships, I danced so much. I got much better at my Portuguese. And um I came back probably when I like I came back extremely depressed. I laughed. I laughed, but it's not funny. I actually came back I came back really really really really not good. I was not in a good headspace when I came back because I think that like that experience had opened so many doors for me and like so many so many trains of thought and like oh my god, I just like I had reconnected in to myself in ways that was just so profound and so rewarding, but at the same time really daunting, like it's sometimes the truth is painful, and sometimes the reality is a tough pill to swallow, and I think that like it was just a lot for me, and uh yeah, I was yeah, I was not in a good place, and so I look back, and it's been a year since I got back, and I remember so vividly the morning that I got back. I was for like just to just to say, just to make sure that it's clear, I was so happy to be back, like I was happy to be around my family. I'd missed my friends and my loved ones and my family so much, but um, but I was not happy, and I remember the morning, like the morning of the 15th of July a year ago, I woke up and I immediately started bawling my eyes out. I was like, what the fuck have I done? I was like, I need to go back, I need to go back, I need to go back, I need to go back. I was like, why the fuck have I come home? I was so lost, I was so lost. I was just so like I was so confused. I was I was just kind of like I had just been I think I had learned I had learned so much about the world and about myself and about who I wanted to be and what I wanted to prioritize, but it was like overwhelming, like I I couldn't quite metabolize everything and and I was just I was like frazzled, I was frazzled, and um again like leaning on my support system at that time I couldn't lean on myself because I was bless me like I was just I couldn't I couldn't figure myself out but I lent on my support system and I lent on like my loved ones my family and my friends and I slowly managed to get myself out of it through just taking every single day as it came and I think the reason that it was so painful and scary for me when I got back from such an incredible experience because I too I wanted to come home, I was ready to come home, that's another thing. Like I I couldn't stay in Brazil, like my time in Brazil was over, I had finished it, like that was it was enough, you know. But I also like just was coming back to a life that I had left six months prior that just didn't fit me anymore because I was a very different person, like I wasn't like a crazy, like different, different girly, but like I was different, I I had different priorities and different perspectives on things, and and so I had to fit myself into this life that I had left that wasn't wasn't fitting anymore, and that was really that was really painful, and it was because it was just all so unknown. I had no idea, and I have never been the same since. Like I am so much more comfortable with the unknown now. Like I like I like to sort of plan and I like to have a rough idea of where it is that I'll be in the next year, and I think like manifesting is really cool, and like you know, like having an idea I think is really really powerful and quite enjoyable and exciting, but my relationship with the unknown after me just saying how much I like to control things, but I I do mean it, like I think it's um in a much better place, like I think because I was able to sit with that confusion and that just yet a pure like just I had like a huge question mark above my head. I have made some of the most incredible decisions as a result because I've been able to sit with that. Like I don't know what's gonna come around the corner when it comes to my career and when it comes to my romantic life, when it comes to the friendships I'm gonna have, the books I'm gonna read, the conversations I'm gonna have. But the longer I linger, the deeper the magic. Wow. Oh wow, that is really beautiful. A year, wow, a whole year. Okay, I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for listening to my episode today. Oh my god, this has been such a good one. I feel so proud of myself. I feel like I've just discovered so much about myself. Um, yeah, through talking through this, I'm so excited for this episode to come out. Um, okay, thank you so much for listening to this episode today. I I love you so much, and I love the like people's comments, I love the fact that people interact with this podcast. I just like all I want is for it to be a place that my younger self, if she had stumbled upon, she felt like seen and heard and understood, and she knew that like she wasn't on her own when she was navigating life. Um and so I'm just really really pleased that like people watch and enjoy and listen and and feel related to um and hopefully don't feel alone. Um yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I love you so so much. Thank you so much for listening to this episode, and I will see you again next week.