PTPOP - A Mind Revolution

BDSM Old Guard Meets New Rules

• PTPOP • Season 7 • Episode 7

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A simple compliment at a high‑energy fetish party turns into a masterclass on how kink culture has changed. We follow a longtime participant who once thrived in intimate 1990s scenes and now confronts a modern landscape shaped by consent workshops, strict house rules, and the sheer volume of attention that dominant women receive. The contrast is striking: leather, latex, pounding music, and play rooms everywhere, yet a conversational chill that asks people to treat charged spaces like neutral ground until explicit permission is granted.

We unpack why that shift happened and what it protects. As BDSM moved from underground clubs to mainstream awareness, the internet amplified interest and blurred expectations. More newcomers brought more messages, more pressure, and more risk of misread interactions. That prompted structure—clear consent protocols, social contracts, and firmer boundaries—to protect participants and keep venues safe. The surprise is how that structure reshapes the smallest social moments. What used to be easy banter or a harmless compliment can now feel like a negotiation, and some veterans mourn the loss of spontaneity that once made these communities feel welcoming.

This conversation sits at the crossroads of safety, agency, and desire. We talk about attention as a commodity, why “I am not a fetish dispensary” captures the new ethos, and how to navigate respect without draining warmth. You’ll hear practical ideas for approaching people with care, building layered zones for talk and play, and keeping the erotic spark alive without entitlement. Whether you’re old guard, brand new, or simply curious about how subcultures evolve when they scale, you’ll leave with a clearer sense of what has changed, why it matters, and how to show up well.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who loves culture deep dives, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find us. What part of the shift do you agree with—and what do you miss? #culture #socialcommentary #modernlife #sexuality #relationships #dating #psychology #society #boundaries #desire #intimacy #podcast #culturalshift #analysis

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SPEAKER_01:

Have you ever heard something so bizarre? It makes you wonder if the world's been s just flipped upside down, just completely nutty. It's already nutty as it is, right? But have you ever had a friend tell you something that just makes you go, what the what the blank, you know? I've got a friend who I've known for many years, and he's heavily involved in alternative lifestyles, specifically the BDSM Fem Dom alternative lifestyles. He's a submissive male and he has a fetish. He goes to fetish parties and he has a fetish for leather and vinyl and rubber and things like that. But recently, he went to a modern fetish party here in Cleveland. But he used to be actively involved in all the big parties in the 1990s. He would go to something called the organ grinder's ball. He went to the Ohio Leatherfest. He saw a couple of different dominatrix here in town. And, you know, he's very comfortable with who he is and who who he was back then, but he kind of got out of it for a while and was trying to get re-acclimated with the scene. And, you know, he he didn't go for anything wild. He just wanted to play just for curiosity, just to see what the scene was like today. And he came back with an observation that was perfectly bizarre, but it perfectly summed up how much things have changed over the last 20 to 30 years. And what he told me was really to even to me was stunning. He saw a woman at this party, an African American dominatrix, who was tall and strong, and she was decked out in this hot leather outfit. He was not wearing an outfit, he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he told me. And he walked up to this lady and said, Hey there, I like your outfit. And she promptly turned to him, looked down her nose at him, and said, I am not a fetish dispensary. She promptly turned on her heel and marched away from him. And he just stood there, he said, in stunned silence, wondering what the hell had just happened. He had wondered why she had said that to him. And to him that line captured everything about the paradox of today's scene from what he's heard and what he's read. Now he'd heard things had changed through friends that he'd kept in touch with in the scene. But he didn't want to believe it, he wanted to see it for himself. And because think about it, y he was at a fetish party, he was at an adult private nightclub where the theme was dominant women and submissive men. And there was a whole big SEX thing going on. Sexual kind of music, sexual vibe, you know, there's bondage equipment up and down the, you know, this big room he said. They had little separate rooms where people could go in and play. You know, the the space that he was in was entirely devoted to erotic aesthetics. I mean, everyone dressed in fetish gear, the vibe is intentionally charged. And yet, you're expected to treat everything as if it's not sexual unless there's an explicit contract and three forms of verbal consent. And that's not even being funny. He had to go to like a seminar before he went into this party to learn about the rules and the regulations before he could go out and talk to any of the ladies. And that's the paradox. I mean, my friend remembers the 1990s. In the 1990s, he told me about these wild parties. All the time, it was a totally different world. They were smaller, they were friendlier, they were less regulated, more conversational, more spontaneous. He said you could actually walk up to a woman and say, Hey, how's it going tonight? I like your outfit. And she'd she'd, you know, correspond with him politely, and they'd go off and do whatever kinky people do in these parties. But he said he had a blast. He met all kinds of women, he met swingers, he exchanged phone numbers with people, sometimes on the first time meeting people. And now get don't get me wrong, he's told me that he doesn't have doesn't do the magic nasty with these ladies. He's into something completely different, a different level. And when he met these people, he he became friends with them. Some of them he established relationships with these ladies. They didn't last, but you know, it was the way it was back then. You could actually talk to people, compliment outfits, start a conversation, and it wasn't seen as crossing some type of moral boundary. People didn't assume the worst of you just because you came up to them and complimented their outfit. And compliments were treated like negotiations. He also told me that he talked to another woman at one of these parties that he got into a conversation with about how he likes certain things to participate in certain actions, and she told him to his face that he was desperate and needy. He was coming across as desperate and needy, and she was an experienced dum, and she could spell desperation and neediness a mile away. I'm sorry. So what are you supposed to do when you go to these parties? You see a woman you're attracted to, and you're supposed to walk up to her and say, Hey, oh hello, darling.

SPEAKER_00:

A lovely day, isn't it? I I think there's a a hint of rain in the air, don't you? How about those browns? Don't they stink this year? Yes. Well yeah, well you know, today I had pot roast for dinner.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you like pot roast? Oh, I do say so. Yes, yes, yes. Did I say this smell a bit like rain? Yes. And then you're supposed to strike up a conversation, a polite conversation, trying to ignore the fact that her breasts are heaving out of a leather bra and she's holding a bull whip and six inch to let out heel tha high boots. Oh no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't you dare look at my boobs or my boots, young man. You'll be considered desperate or needy.

SPEAKER_01:

He told me that there's a new cultural rule. You're allowed to present sexual energy. Okay, you're allowed to, but nobody is allowed to notice it unless you explicitly allow them to. Okay? Now this seems to apply specifically to the women, okay, dominant and submissive women. So the Dom saying I'm not a fetish dispensary makes sense with a modern mindset. So basically, you're supposed to see a woman who looks amazing, and as a man, you're supposed to ignore that display of sexual energy. You're supposed to ignore your sexual urges and just go up to her like a regular person, as if there's no elephant in the room wearing a leather brawn panties. Okay? There's there's nothing going on here. Oh, this is just uh casual conversation I'm having with a nice young lady, like you're in the office, I suppose. You're at the water cooler, just talking about the day's the day's budget. And so I when the Dom said I'm not a fetished dispensary, it was a way of saying just because I'm dressed this way doesn't mean you get access, attention, validation, or interaction. This is what he tells me. And that's fair, I suppose. Boundaries are important, but it also creates this strange disconnect between presentation and interaction. It creates a paradox. And why did the shift happen? I I don't I still don't understand what happens. See, I think today's modern woman thinks that she should just be considered for her mind and who she is as a person. But the thing that I think women are forgetting that biologically, if we want to talk about biology that nobody believes in anymore, men are biologically wired to pursue women for the sole purpose of creating other humans. And I'm being polite about it. In the animal kingdom, the male lion tries to dominate the other males in the pack, or whatever you call them, so he can mate with the most beautiful lioness in the den, or whatever the hell you call it. And there's reasons for it. He has urges, he has natural biological urges, and humans, men do too. Now, ours have been perverted over the years. I'm not saying my friend's a pervert, but he happens to have urges that have nothing to do with doing the magic nasty. But now it's it's being said you have to ignore those urges. And it's he said that women today would prefer you don't even get a stiffy. That women today would prefer that you don't even show an interest in any type of sexual energy because then you're pure. You're a pure person who just appreciates them for who they are. My friend wasn't judging anyone. He just said this is not the same world we had in the 1990s. A lot has changed. The scene went mainstream from one thing. Social media and the internet brought millions of newcomers. Back in the 90s, the BDSM scene was underground. There were small clubs, private clubs, underground parties. Consent became hyper formalized in the Me Too world. People fear being misread or misquoted. Dominant women get overwhelming attention now because now every other person is into this scene because of the the easy access to pornography online. Dominant women, I'm told, get barraged and just deluged with requests from guys that are you know in the mood, so to speak, to be dominated. Events grew from intimate groups to massive crowds. So the response was to build harder boundaries, mostly to protect people who get bombarded with unter unwanted interactions. Now I don't know how this woman saw my friend in an instant just because he complimented her outfit, knew she could be rude, knew she wanted to push him away, knew that he was needy and insecure, and just wanted to fool around. Forgive me, ma'am, but you're in a sex party basically. There's bondage equipment hanging from the walls. The walls he told me were painted pur burgundy leather everywhere, pulsating techno music thumping from the from the speakers.

SPEAKER_02:

So so the response is strange.

SPEAKER_01:

And that leads to the core paradox. The culture is visually designed to provoke a reaction. This BDSM culture is is visually prov designed to provoke a reaction. Leather, vinyl, heels, makeup, dog collars. But reacting is considered a violation now in this in this culture, in this alternative lifestyle. Or as my friend put it, it's like everyone's performing on stage, but the audience is supposed to pretend the show isn't happening. You have to just Oh no, nothing to see here. Keep moving. Just keep moving. Now whether that's a good or bad thing depends on who you ask. I guess if you're a dominatrix that's getting hundreds of men throwing themselves at her boots, I guess it can be annoying. But some people it say it's much safer now this way. Others say the spontaneity is gone. But everyone agrees the culture changed, the rules changed, the expectations changed. And that one line, I'm not a fetish dispensary, pretty much sums up the whole transformation. So yeah, this was my friend's observation, and it honestly made me think about how all subcultures evolve. Not just kink, everything has changed. You can't even talk to people in the grocery store anymore without fear of them getting upset or yelling at you or pulling out a gun and shooting your head off. I don't know, you know, if any of you belong to an alternative lifestyle, but I found the story fascinating and scary at the same time. Can you imagine that the modern woman doesn't want to be seen as a sexual being or an object? Okay, I understand being objective funding. No, that's a bad thing. But again, men and women, biological men and women, were wired to be close, to make more humans. Okay? Men are designed to want to be attracted, were meant to be attracted to each other for the sole purpose of creating other human beings. And now modern women are saying, not only don't I want to be sexual, I don't want you to even think of it. No matter what I dress like, no matter how I act, you're to accept me just as a plain old bland boring person. I personally, guys, don't get it. I I don't I don't understand it. I can't even imagine going to a sex party hoping to rock and roll, being told I'm needy and desperate just because I'm talking to people about their outfits. My friend missed the memo. He's considered old guard in this community because he's been around for years. He used to be anyway. He's fairly well known and well respected. Let me know what you think, man. It's not this isn't just this isn't just the kink world and the alternative lifestyle. This is all lifestyles now. You've got you've got so many weird, fractured thoughts of what a relationship is and how you're supposed to interact and what sex is. Some people now are satisfied to have an imaginary AI girlfriend or boyfriend. Some people are happy to have a real doll, one of these manufactured sex dolls. Maybe I could get Zontarsky. You know, maybe Zontarsky. I could uh go up dressing, I could start a new fetish for making love to aliens. What do you think, Zontarsky? I could put him in like a leather bra and some panties and maybe go on these fetish parts and people be hot for Zontarsky.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know what's next, man.

SPEAKER_01:

Making love to maple trees? I don't know. And you can't do that. You can't how dare you approach a maple tree as a sexual object if you're in a maple tree. You have to you have to just kind of treat the maple tree like you're a squirrel and pretend it's you're just you know you're just clying in the tree. You're not trying to get it, it's nuts. I'm sorry. I'm in an oak tree, of course. But are oak trees really maple trees now? I don't know. I I'm confused. So for all of you needy, desperate guys out there that are hoping to uh do the magic nasty or kiss someone's boots, I feel for you, man. I don't know what's next out there. I guess we're just gonna get rid of sex altogether and just watch the human race die off. And maybe we'll all be a little bit better. Ask the Levista, baby.

SPEAKER_02:

Would you like fries with that?

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Peter Tompkins

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