Welcome to Monster Monster, a real play Dungeons and dragon show featuring comedians as your favorite characters. I am your dm kavin eggleston, joined today by hi, I'm tyson cox.
Speaker 4:Uh, I'm uh fist fighting rough, tough, scrambly, rambly.
Speaker 2:Good man, chester blackfield yep, a master of fisting, chester blackfield me and him.
Speaker 4:Both have the same haircut now.
Speaker 3:And my name is Tyler Waltz. I will be playing Ekrem who honestly in the moment is just really pissed off and shadowy at the moment.
Speaker 2:So we're going to see how this shakes out All right and we are recording from our new home base for the foreseeable future. We are recording.
Speaker 4:Three months maybe months maybe we're recording in a beautiful alchemy lab in elfin moon in glorious indianapolis great game store, fountain square, indianapolis. Come on down, yeah, check it out, get some dice get some, get some other stuff elfin moon tell a monster.
Speaker 2:Monster sent you yeah, and you'll probably see us in the back of the room. Don't't make eye contact.
Speaker 4:Make a lot of eye contact.
Speaker 2:Gross Robert, make that less creepy, Keep it he needs to learn his lesson but less creepy.
Speaker 4:Make it more creepy. Make it more creepy.
Speaker 2:All right. Last session, all right. Last session you were fighting to save an ancient fey dragon. As the forces of this cult have swarmed it, tried to drag it from the skies itself and, by slaying it, hopefully undo one of the last anchors of reality, all in their effort to awake a sleeping elder god and by doing so, unmake the universe. How you guys feeling.
Speaker 4:Oh, we're so good at this, we've yet to fail all of them, because he's still there.
Speaker 3:So Now that the geese are here, I think oh yeah, we forgot to mention that Divine.
Speaker 2:Is it divine intervention if it's a goose boy?
Speaker 3:yeah, maybe in real life it feels like an omen, like from hell, but in this world, is it?
Speaker 2:I know flock of ravens, but flock of geese way worse.
Speaker 4:Yeah, honestly we know nothing all right, uh, you can fly.
Speaker 3:Why are you walking in front of my car?
Speaker 2:because are you gonna do something about it?
Speaker 3:I just say every goose.
Speaker 2:I know they're canadian geese, but they always feel like they have a really thick brooklyn accent. Look, what are you doing about it? I'm a goose in here it's pretty close to canada all right, uh, I'm goosing here. That's gonna be my new thing. All right, put it on a shirt. Uh the archfey, this massive goose. Uh, chester, he lands goosefully in front of you.
Speaker 4:Oh, how graceful that goose-like landing was.
Speaker 2:Lowers a wing. Come on, bud, let's go save some eggs. I hop on. All right, I hop on. Real cool, he is going to fly you towards the dragon Ekrem. What would you like to do?
Speaker 3:Well, there's one ballista left, correct?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Ooh, but will it take my full action to get the bolt disconnected from his wing?
Speaker 2:You know you could attack that. How are you going to try to get it out? Are you going to try to athletics it?
Speaker 3:Break the chain with your brain. Well, that's kind of what I was thinking. I didn't know if it'd be better to try and use, like fire to melt it, or if I could. I didn't know if I could use my intuition to be like, hey, I should melt through this, or if it's just like, oh, if I hit this little button, the chain will fall out and get loose, you know I gotcha uh, go ahead and give me an investigation.
Speaker 2:Check to see if you can figure out how this ballista operates that's's not great.
Speaker 3:That's an 11.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, it looks kind of complicated like a series of levers and pulleys to kind of connect this chain together and make it all so it doesn't get bound up.
Speaker 4:Just punch it.
Speaker 3:I was about to say how about I just cast a firebolt on it and use my ability to make it necrotic? Fire, Will that melt through the chain?
Speaker 2:Necrotic fire? Will that melt through the chain? Necrotic fire, mm-hmm, you mean casting a thing that's like the antithesis of life on a thing that's not alive.
Speaker 3:It might melt it and the necrotic would be Rods.
Speaker 2:Sorry, Necrotic fuel can't melt steel chains.
Speaker 3:We're doing Fantasy 9-11?.
Speaker 2:Well, technically you let one of the tower dragons fall.
Speaker 4:Quick perception check to see where george bush is at you cut.
Speaker 2:The mayor of the city is reading a book to children and he's like I feel a disturbance. He yuck all right.
Speaker 3:So did I just screw myself. Did that not work?
Speaker 4:No, if I was going to say maybe putting fire on a very thick chain to hold a dragon won't melt through it, because that's going to take a lot of fire for a long time Maybe.
Speaker 3:But we have time.
Speaker 4:That is one thing I believe we don't have?
Speaker 3:Is the ballista made out of wood?
Speaker 2:It is. I mean, it's a thick hardwood.
Speaker 3:I heard it after I said it Say it slower.
Speaker 2:What do you want me to respond to? It was a thick hardwood, like a mahogany.
Speaker 4:Ballista is girth master.
Speaker 2:Also just so you guys know. Uh, you guys are at initiative or at turn 10 on the dice I'm on a goose, what do you?
Speaker 3:want more from me. Oh, you know what? Fuck all this? I'm just gonna vortex warp the ballista gone. How about that? I don't think you can warp an object. What?
Speaker 4:do you mean?
Speaker 3:it literally says object yeah, it says magically twist space around another creature.
Speaker 1:Oh, it does say another creature you can see within range can you get the ballista alive, can you?
Speaker 2:I don't know what. Give me a wacky voice for the ballista I'm a ballista I also work at a deli.
Speaker 4:What was that?
Speaker 3:oh man, you hear in your mind just leave it in and go to the other ballista then.
Speaker 2:You hear it in your mind. Ekrem, I can help you with this.
Speaker 3:Just let me in Ekrem, Not yet, not yet. Give me, like once the dice hits 13, talk to me. It's like. What does that mean? Oh no, oh no.
Speaker 4:Always have hope. Buddy, hey, buddy, always have hope.
Speaker 3:That's what I've been trying to show to you. Yeah, I'll just head over to the other ballista and attack the person firing it with a firebolt. Okay, 13 to hit. That'll hit. Okay, cool.
Speaker 1:We should have worn armor. Why did we show? Up in robes to a dragon fight.
Speaker 4:They were on bulk sale from the Fantasy.
Speaker 1:Costco, we couldn't even put on layers 11.
Speaker 3:They were on bulk sale from the fantasy Costco. We couldn't even put on layers 11 fire 6 necrotic damage Okay.
Speaker 2:The other crew members of this ballista, just watch you incinerate their chief like the chief ballista operator and they're like good.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, this is a lot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no shit's real. There are consequences to your actions.
Speaker 1:Oh man, Did he also have sex with your wife?
Speaker 3:I don't have a wife From past Because of the sex His wife.
Speaker 4:This is now canon. She's like I was never married.
Speaker 3:It was a ruse.
Speaker 4:Alright, cool you have taken outuse.
Speaker 2:All right, cool, you have taken out one of those guys that's going to buy you some time on that ballista attack. Chester's just on the goose like jokes on you.
Speaker 4:I'm into that shit.
Speaker 3:I'm going to gaslight Chester into thinking he actually did have a wife.
Speaker 2:It's not going to be Arnie. He's not a smart boy.
Speaker 4:I do have a lot of CTE going on yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, yeah, you guys didn't realize this. Chester Blackfield anagram for Chris Benoit. Oh no, all right, that was dark, almost as dark as our shadow sorcerer Ekrom Brought it back around Proud of me.
Speaker 1:On stage number two dancing cinnamon and ekram.
Speaker 2:All right, these cultists are gonna get some swings on the dragon there. They're swarming it. Uh, it is again trying to just really just use his body to cover up its eggs. Um, but it's not looking hot. It's going to get a turn to do a Tail Lash. It does get itself some breathing room as it knocks out more of these cultists. The Beefy Boys I think there's only two left are going to make their attacks. Okay, okay, the beefy boys miss and the spell casters go after our favorite chester blackfield. What do you want to do, chester? You're riding a goose. You're about 20 feet in the air. You've taken no damage. He is hurtling you towards the dragon.
Speaker 2:He's like curling this great. Hey, I don't know why I'm doing. The Olympics are on.
Speaker 4:They are.
Speaker 2:I'm just very intense.
Speaker 4:But that's a winter sport. I would like to try to help, just kind of like be a second pair of eyes for the. What was the goose's name again, Lord Featherton? Oh no, we both forgot, didn't we? Yeah right, LFG, Lord Featherton? Oh no, we both forgot didn't we?
Speaker 2:Yeah right, LFT Shut up. You didn't know either, Ekrem.
Speaker 3:Didn't claim to.
Speaker 4:Me and LFT. I want to be an extra set of eyes for him, so like if people are hucking stuff at him, just like maybe like help adjust the wings to like dip and dodge and dive a little better. Okay, I guess I just assist LFT.
Speaker 2:Take the health back. You can also hold your action until he gets you.
Speaker 4:Oh then I'll let go of that yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, fantastic Dragon is going to get to do another attack here. That's going to go turn to those spellcasters. There's only two groups of spellcasters left, I do believe, or is there three, because you? Changed it to taking out a portal.
Speaker 4:That's what I thought. I thought the spellcasters were holding the portal open, so I wanted to kill the spellcaster. There's multiple spellcasters.
Speaker 2:I wanted to go for the portal guy. Okay, all right, dragon's going to make a dex saving throw here, so lightning bolt sears its way towards it. Hey, chester, you want to roll me 8d6, yeah.
Speaker 3:I do. This is not our fault.
Speaker 2:This is the dragon you hear the time dragon, just be like. Actually this all is probably your fault. You guys could have done something. I'm sure it's not true.
Speaker 4:It feels like if all of existence is at trouble, don't hire two guys, yeah.
Speaker 2:Also if 16, by the way, if we're talking about it like 8D6 only rolled 16.
Speaker 4:What did you roll?
Speaker 1:I can check the history.
Speaker 4:I'll re-roll it. I think I rolled 60 history I'll re-roll it I think I rolled 60 don't re-roll it. You said 8d6. Why would you agree to that? No, it was oh no, it's almost mathematically impossible.
Speaker 2:It was a lot of ones, almost not I will believe you yeah, no. I wrote yeah, okay. Yeah, all right that lightning bolt, it just tickles it. Good yeah, it acted kind of like a jolt cola, the dragon's like that was refreshing.
Speaker 3:Thank, you, because this dragon has shit the bed on all of its rolls, all of them.
Speaker 2:All of its saving throws, it's done pretty good. Everywhere else it's preoccupied. Give a dragon a little bit of credit. No, you hear in your mind.
Speaker 1:I'm doing a lot, so are we? It's not about who does the most, it's a competition.
Speaker 4:All right, guys, it's a team effort. We're all on the same team. How about we bring this one to victory? Alright?
Speaker 1:Hey, I didn't invite you to this group chat. You fucking left the. I'm already in it.
Speaker 4:Alright.
Speaker 2:Oh, I gotta roll a d6. Oh you guys, hell yeah brother, that dragon, just like summoning the last of its strength, rears up and again, lets out just one of those massive breaths of just life energy. You watch as one of those beefy boys in front of your eyes, just as skewered, as a massive oak tree grows up through it and all of a sudden, from sapling to mighty tree, in a matter of seconds it rips apart this whip stitched body. Uh, you see one of the portals, uh, slam closed as vines crawl back through it. All right, he's feeling pretty good. He's like is that enough? Did I do enough for you there?
Speaker 4:all right he, we gotta just badger him till, he does better apparently I'm just don't neg a dragon I'm not complaining about the damage you're doing.
Speaker 3:It's just like let's not block things with our forehead. How about that? Just move a little.
Speaker 1:That's all I'm asking all right, I learned how to punch from rocky, I learned how to fight, you know, like the one where he got brain damage and they were like no more punching and then he fixed it with a punch to the head you guys ever watch goon good movie?
Speaker 1:all right, I like how chilly is for just being murdered with his kids behind him you know you just think about a lot when this is you, in the moments you think about what's important uh right, that's gonna be his lair uh action, oh, which reminds you no longer have a disadvantage on your yeah ability checks hell yeah uh, he's gonna go ahead and uh, try to wink one of these guys out to a dream dimension again.
Speaker 2:Tyler, go ahead and give me a.
Speaker 4:Uh, wisdom saving, throw the dragon is not you personally, but just a flat d20 13 on the die the dragon just looks over real, like intensely here, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum sandman bring me a dream hey, robert uh do we have the rights to that song it was under four seconds I don't know why.
Speaker 2:I assume that you are also our legal team. He's yep, yeah, I mean, he kind of does everything. Uh, all right, uh, one of the groups of wizards just winks out. Uh, somewhere they come to on a beach, one of those fleshy golem type creatures. Uh just is like it's 11. He's got like six coconut drinks. Uh, these wizards are like this does seem better.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell, that one fella existence pretty good all right.
Speaker 2:Uh, it wasn't the guy with the flesh.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's never me, yeah always a bridesmaid, never a bride when you have your flesh ripped off your face all he wants is a symmetrical face, but it's just.
Speaker 4:The other half is off too.
Speaker 2:All right, uh, that is gonna make the the goose. Uh, the goose lands in front of you, he spews flames towards these cultists, creating a barrier, sealing some of them off from the front of this dragon. So you are left with just only a small handful, a small little force that didn't get singed up, that are kind of sneaking towards these eggs or trying to make a rush for these eggs. Get singed up, that are kind of sneaking towards these eggs or trying to make a rush for these eggs. Um, we're gonna go ahead and, uh, jump to ekram. So you just got a couple cultists between you and this dragon and the eggs, ekram. What would you like to do, my man?
Speaker 3:um, so all the ballistas are taken care of. There's two groups of mages left, two groups of mages left and one and one beefy boys, can I get to the beefy guy?
Speaker 2:I bet you can get to a group of beefy boys.
Speaker 3:Okay, I've seen how you run towards the beefy boys so this is going to be a little bit of timing, but I will keep my flame feet on till I make it to the beast guy right, okay. Or the beefy boy. So he'll take the 1d6 fire damage.
Speaker 2:His name is John T Beefington.
Speaker 3:Okay, john T Beefington takes two fire damage. Okay, and then I will drop concentration on that to summon my shadow blade at third level, and then that will. I'll take a swing at him. Okay, and then that will. I'll take a swing at him. Okay, does a 14 plus 5 hit?
Speaker 2:That'll hit Okay.
Speaker 3:And then he will take 3d8.
Speaker 2:All right. Which was very good 20.
Speaker 4:That's 20 damage Also statistically could have been 3. I'm just throwing that out there from earlier. No, I just don't it could have been three.
Speaker 3:I'm just throwing that out there from earlier.
Speaker 2:I just I think you were just proving that the dragon is both lucky and unlucky in opposite times we contain multitudes. Okay, uh, so that guy, that thing, you, you kind of shear off a couple of those extra limbs. Uh, you singe flesh. It smells gross like rendered fat.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:All right, that actually makes it Okay. The cultists turns. They're between you, chester, and the dragon, that group of cultists that aren't blocked off by the fire. They're going to rush at you. You've got three of them that are going to charge at you and one that's going to oh, I'm sorry While I'm in my shroud, it takes just a flat six necrotic damage on top of everything. So 26. Okay, it's looking pretty messed up. Cool, all right. Three are going to charge at you. Chester. One is going to make a run for those 12?
Speaker 4:Miss Five, miss Six Miss.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, all of them take these dagger stabs at you and you're like no Chester's in his element. All right, they just swipe at you, you duck, dodge, dip and dive out of the way. The beefy boy, ekrem it st, stares at you and it's going to take two swings with its massive hands. Cool, a 17 and a 5 the 17 definitely hits you okay, okay, it's gonna deal 15 points of bludgeoning damages.
Speaker 2:It's massive hands. Just smack you and then go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw, actually, no, let's say strength saving throw oh cool, make it the thing.
Speaker 3:That was. Okay. That's a 18 on the die, so I'll take that, but it's still minus one, okay.
Speaker 2:17 yeah, so it just takes a swing to like try to knock you off your feet and you brace yourself and I'm able to stay standing, but that hand just slams into you. All right, you don't have ballista to worry about, chester, what would you like to do?
Speaker 4:I would like to call out the one that's trying to go for the egg and like kind of a mass intimidation. But like specifically, I'd be'd be like you. You do not know who I am. You may know my name, though. I am a cursed man. I want nothing but peace my entire life, but I've done nothing but death. I have yet to be killed and if you continue on your way, I will visit you. I am killer number one.
Speaker 3:I can't wait for you to fail this. Yeah, that one.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say roll with advantage because, man, I got the goose.
Speaker 1:lord Lord Featherton is like I got goose pimples and I'm made of them.
Speaker 2:So that was. We would just call them pimples.
Speaker 3:Yeah, do you say goose pimples, or is it goose bumps? Because when I grew up, it was always goosebumps we don't need to worry about that right now uh no, no, let's have this out
Speaker 4:I gotta take this moment away from you 19.
Speaker 2:He freezes, uh, for a second. Uh, I'm gonna say, okay, he's gonna freeze for a second. We'll deal with what happens as a consequence of that later. So he's stopped. He's not going to continue making his dash. What do you want to do? That should be it. I'm going to make that your bonus action.
Speaker 4:Okay, then I would like to action surge to maybe help add to that. You said I have four cultists around me. You have three around you. Okay, then I would like to action surge to maybe help add to that by. You said I have four cultists around me, you have three around you.
Speaker 2:Three around me and then one that's made the dash for those eight.
Speaker 4:That was my bonus action. I'd like to take three attacks, so it'd be four attacks total for my action surge. Go for it. 11 on the first one, that's not great. 15 in the second and non-natural 20 on the third. Okay, and for the last one 12 okay, okay.
Speaker 2:So two of those are going to hit. Go ahead and roll while we're at it. Go ahead and roll your wild magic surges. Let's see if you how many times. You're going to roll it four times.
Speaker 4:Okay, got a nat 20. Okay, a three. Oh, that is 17 and a 14. Okay.
Speaker 2:All right, go ahead and roll your damages for those attacks while I figure out what you get on a three.
Speaker 4:You said two of those hit.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, I'm sorry. Yes, two of those hit. Go ahead and roll your magic surge, though, because you did trigger one 29 damage total and then a d20 to trigger it.
Speaker 4:All right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, you punch 17 on the trigger, punch two of those cultists. They just fall limp. Just what do you think is going through that other cultist's head that like stopped and just watched you just turn around say that intimidating thing and then watched you just punch two of his friends' faces off.
Speaker 4:Yeah, three of them tried to stab. All of them tried to stamp all of the mist. I call him out in the middle of that and then just knock two of his dudes out, like that's All right. What'd you say? 17 on the surge? No, no, is this where it falls apart? Is this where it falls apart?
Speaker 2:So you've done this incredibly badass thing. You have literally bullied a man into stopping his holy mission, killed two of his friends in front of him, missed one, but that one's probably pooping his pants a little bit. And then you just lock eyes and a feathery beard just pops out from your face.
Speaker 4:I am backed by the Fae Lord of this realm.
Speaker 2:You just hear kahunk motherfucker, yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, LFT back there.
Speaker 3:Wow, of all the wild surges to get you gain a feather beard it's like in the spongebob movie when the biker grows a mustache yeah, dungeons and dragons is weird, um, but do you still have your handlebar mustache around, okay?
Speaker 4:he's like oh shit, he's a whole goose. It's branding did you get bit by? Are you aware goose? I got bit by a radioactive goose. I have all the powers of being an obstinate asshole.
Speaker 2:None of their weaknesses. Airplanes oh no, you have vulnerability to Solis. Ooh, all right. Okay, that is your turn. Spellcasters Do we have any spellcasters left? Yeah, they're going to go ahead. It's up to you.
Speaker 4:Tyler, go ahead and give me a. I check my notes, no.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and give me a deck saving throw for this dragon.
Speaker 3:For the dragon? Yeah, fucking damn it, it's a five.
Speaker 4:Lie? No, that's what he did with a lightning bolt.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I thought about it. I was like 15, 58, chester, go ahead and give me a deck saving throw for this thunder or for this fireball, son of a beasting, oh and board feathers. Okay, he makes it, he just flaps out of the way can he take?
Speaker 3:can he get in the way to take the hit?
Speaker 2:uh 15 all right, you're gonna take half damage on these uh 8d6. Go ahead and roll me 86, oh no negative five crazy, I'm healed. Is that 8d6, uh 20 okay, all right, so you're gonna take half that. You're gonna take 10 this fireball bursts, uh at you launching in front of the dragon as well. Uh, akram, you hear again that that voice. Are you really going to deny me just for your pride?
Speaker 3:Yes, Isn't it technically our pride?
Speaker 2:Look you want to argue semantics right now?
Speaker 1:Fuck you, oh, you mean, fuck us.
Speaker 3:Is that what you think?
Speaker 1:Yeah, see.
Speaker 3:Goes both ways. Okay, so I guess that means it's my turn.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 3:Okay, because I'm just going to ignore him. I'm not even going to acknowledge that he's talking to me.
Speaker 2:I know you can hear me, stop doing that. You're trying to give me the silent treatment. It's not cool, she's just very immature. All right, that is going to be the dragon's turn. Let's see, because we have no ballista to worry about. Let's see if he gets his breath weapon back, does not? Um, all right, he is going to. Uh, you just see him wink out of existence the dragon go ahead and give me a perception.
Speaker 3:Check there, chester better than him being here here.
Speaker 1:Maybe Question mark Eight.
Speaker 3:Yep, yep, here you go.
Speaker 2:Feathers are in my eyes. You hear in your voice.
Speaker 1:Oh man, invisibility. Oh, it's pretty cool. Hell yeah, dude, I should have cast it on you, but I was also like, please stop throwing fireballs at the one giant thing no, it's pretty reasonable.
Speaker 4:You put it on yourself, you're kind of a target and uh, well, if you die, everything stops, and if I die, well, also, everything stops. But that's just my perspective, so that's uh oh, how existentially enlightened of you it's all right.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're having a lot of moments.
Speaker 4:Today, big day for old chester huh yeah, I think things are finally starting to click and connect all right, ekram, that's gonna make it.
Speaker 2:You're actually that's gonna make it the lair's turn.
Speaker 3:I don't even think I had a wife I don't care what they said, I'll use my ability but not notify chester and be like no you definitely had a wife her name was Ellen.
Speaker 2:All right, the voice in your head's like I can make him see a wife. We can put one in there. Offer accepted. All right, Go ahead and give me just a dumb luck. Check both of you.
Speaker 4:A dumb luck. I'm good with those 13.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 4:Nat 20? Nat 1. Nat 19? There it is.
Speaker 3:Nat 19. The most exciting roll. Okay, if you're a champion, roll a D4.
Speaker 2:Pick Ottery. Or, I'm sorry, just roll a D4. Okay A, you're a champion, roll a D4.
Speaker 3:Pick Audrey or, I'm sorry, just roll a D4. Okay, a D4? Yeah, oh, none of my spells use D4, so I didn't get one out.
Speaker 2:D4. Fine, I'll do it. Fine, I will do the bad things to you guys. One.
Speaker 3:Odds I picked odds.
Speaker 2:That group of wizards winks into existence, just with decorative lays looking a little bit more calm. They look like they had a massage, like a shiatsu. One of them's got suntan lotion on his face, just awkwardly applied. He's like I didn't anticipate this would be a problem, at least they'll die relaxed. He's like. Well, skin cancer is really the silent killer in this existence.
Speaker 3:Terrifying. Yeah, he never thought about that.
Speaker 2:All right, Lord Featherton is let's see if he gets his breath weapon back. Let's go LFT. He does not.
Speaker 1:Son of a bitch, he's going to turn around, I'm just going to Chester.
Speaker 2:The one cultist you didn't kill with all your punches, your flurry of balls no. You just watch Lord Featherton like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Just lock eyes with him like the lawyer on the toilet that's so much scarier than a T-Rex.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, a T-Rx is like chomp, chomp a goose. Like you can hear the guy on his way down. It's like, oh, this isn't so, oh god it's all knives and just still looking at the frozen guy.
Speaker 4:Just stroke my feathery beard it's like fucking birds man.
Speaker 2:They say they're not real, but these are real, real, scary.
Speaker 3:All right, akram that is your turn. Okay, so you said that this beefy boy that I am in front of is very hurt right.
Speaker 2:Yes, okay.
Speaker 3:I will take out my actual dagger, so I'm two-handing daggers.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:And then I will jump up and do my offhand strike first.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:For a 13 to hit.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I will jump up just thematically. This is how this is working, and I stab him in the shoulder neck area to hold on to him, and then I'll stab him in the stomach with my shadow dagger.
Speaker 4:Oh, that's going to counteract my probiotics.
Speaker 3:I've been eating With a 17 to hit.
Speaker 2:Surprisingly no.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:His stomach is actually all armor, all armor.
Speaker 4:I've been eating a lot of pots and pans lately. Oh hey, he's a diet high in iron, 15 damage.
Speaker 3:Okay, all right, you do this, yet that dagger, as like you, slide down, just guts this thing and I was gonna say I grow it from a dagger to a short sword, because it just says so it blows out the other end of them.
Speaker 4:Wow, fuck this guy he's a grower, not a shower all right one of the wizards is like you should have.
Speaker 2:Should have showed your wife that it grew like that Probably wouldn't have left you.
Speaker 3:Chester's wife. I fucked her too, that's the guess.
Speaker 4:That's the guess. All it takes is a robe with a hood and you're in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it really doesn't even have to be a robe.
Speaker 3:You got a snuggie. She's down the front robe.
Speaker 1:I never had a wife what is happening or?
Speaker 3:did I uh, I roll for gaslight I'm gonna have to look into. Yeah, deception, check, it's a seven. Okay, nope, that wasn't that one.
Speaker 2:I fucked that up, oh well, let's see what Chester roll your insight to see if To see if I had.
Speaker 4:To see if I had a wife.
Speaker 3:My deception is plus seven, so technically it's an eight.
Speaker 4:Fucking 17. Plus zero 17. Silvery barbs.
Speaker 2:This feels an appropriate use of spells.
Speaker 4:All right Did you burn the spell slot. You can't see me. You can't see me.
Speaker 2:So you killed the beefy boy. Does that buy us some more time? Yeah, it does Good. All right, you are at turn 11 on that of the dice.
Speaker 3:I will say in hindsight the omen hounds sounds really cool, but they go away as soon as they kill the one target that you've assigned.
Speaker 2:I guess hounds sounds really cool, but they go away as soon as they kill the one target that you've assigned. I guess it's yeah, you got to put them on your beefy, a beefy target. The big guy, yeah, yeah, johnny, big fight, uh, some of these, oh uh, that last cultist, um, we're just gonna see if he still is like in shock of you go ahead and make his. I'm gonna say gosh, I'm gonna say a wisdom like he's like. I mean, the beard is cool, I kind of want to touch it, but he also kind of looks like a, like a angry.
Speaker 4:My pillow right now can it be a disadvantage? Because, like all of the things that have happened, yeah, he's seen a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, 10 on the die okay, yeah, he's, he's kind of just kind of going to take a second to. He's going to still dart towards those eggs, but it's going to now be at disadvantage to try to smash one of them.
Speaker 4:I turn around like Yoshi and shoot an egg out of my ass with my newfound goose powers.
Speaker 3:It's an ostrich egg, but you can, yeah, roll, constitution saving, throw my newfound goose powers.
Speaker 2:It's an ostrich egg, but you can do it. Yeah, roll, constitution saving throw to see how destroyed your b-hole is.
Speaker 4:It's for the sake of Chester. If that could do it to save reality, chester would do it. Roll that con save. Oh no I don't want this.
Speaker 1:Not like this.
Speaker 2:I mean he missed the egg. But also now you've just watched you shit yourself at him.
Speaker 3:I have to help him 21. 21 constitution saver. You enjoy it. Good, I'm saving the world.
Speaker 4:There's no way I summoned an egg to shoot out. I was trying to make a goof.
Speaker 1:Lord Featherton's like there's nothing in you, man, it's just a feather beard.
Speaker 2:But you.
Speaker 1:I don't actually turn around, you're wearing pants.
Speaker 2:You just shit your pants, I'm just walking around like a toddler.
Speaker 4:Why is that the goof You're like. This happens. You're so pick and choosy with what goofs happen and don't happen that's because I'm a dm, it's what I get to do.
Speaker 2:Oh man, all right. Uh, you don't shit your pants, you don't shit an egg you shit both gotcha yeah, it's like a cadbury egg of poop. All right, okay, that cultist, uh, takes those swipes, misses. That dragon is going to just from the shadows, it gets advantage on this. Okay, it just tail slams down on this thing. This last cultist All right, that is going to make it. That was Ekrem. Okay, beefy, bull, beefy. Okay, chester, what do you want to do, uh?
Speaker 4:so you said the it killed the cultist just checking. Yeah, uh, I guess I'll just go ahead and take a swing at the one, like I'll do, like a two-piece the one guy that's still there, just to get everyone away from the eggs.
Speaker 3:There's still one portal. No, you should be one.
Speaker 4:Okay, there's one portal left. One cultist, though there's the I I killed. There's four, I killed two. One just got crushed the goose ate one oh, the goose ate one. Yeah, you're right, I forgot. How could I? Sorry I I repressed that from my memory uh, you're busy shitting your pants, yeah, like an old-timey riddle if, if I punch two people to death, a goose eats one.
Speaker 2:The harvest will be bountiful. It's like a common core math problem.
Speaker 4:I'm kind of at a loss, for I want to protect these eggs. I don't have a bag of holding or anything like that that I remember in my notes, but I want to protect these eggs. Can I take a perception check to see what I could do? Yeah, like what's around uh 16.
Speaker 2:Okay, you notice, uh, around this there's a an alco like a crack that you could probably go and hide them uh in, and or you could even post up, put them, slip them in there and then just that's what I would do.
Speaker 4:uh, I would quickly gather them gingerly, as quickly as I can, without being detrimental. They're dragon eggs. They're pretty tough, they're covered in scales. They're hot to the touch, my skin hurts.
Speaker 2:It's fine Actually they feel oh, these are mossy. They do. They feel like soft moss, and you also get just that calm feeling when you're in nature and you're like this is nice, and then the mushrooms kick in and you're like this is nice and a little terrifying.
Speaker 4:But yeah, I'd like to just quickly get them in there and then post my body between the just ready.
Speaker 3:All right, you're not going to say anything cool Like look at a cultist and be like sorry, we scrambled your plans.
Speaker 4:No.
Speaker 3:To who? They're all dead around here.
Speaker 4:What a sociopath For me that's even worse. Just be like hey, dead guy who I killed, egg pun. I'm having a shell of a time.
Speaker 2:Oh, see you in shell would have been.
Speaker 4:Good, see you in shell would have been good, See you in shell would have been good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah no See, this is why we workshop these things.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, all right, I would make a joke, but I'm Fuck, fuck you, man. I'd say something funny, but I'm all out of yolks. There it is.
Speaker 2:Well, you really suck cloaca. All right. That suck cloaca, all right. That's what dragons have to have, right? No, I don't know, um, that's gonna bring us back up to the top. There is just one uh portal left open. Ekram, go ahead and give me uh, just a dumb luck.
Speaker 3:Check oh god, the last one wasn't so well cool, it's better than that one.
Speaker 2:Three okay getting more lucky, nothing happens. Good, good, all right. You do see. However, the remaining spellcaster cultist that's keeping this portal open, dives through it and it winks out of existence behind him. Damn it. So an attempt to follow that isn't going to work. All right, you guys have survived this.
Speaker 3:Hey, that's great, but did the dragon? Don't do this. He's actually like you hear in your head hey guys, that was pretty.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, I slept on this dead guy. Oh my God, if somebody would have said an egg pun, I would have known he was there.
Speaker 3:There's like a stool on the ground and just million dollar babies themselves on a normal size stool. We can't do that. That's how.
Speaker 4:Ekron became or Chester became killer number one, so you can't self-reference ourselves, re-traumatize them.
Speaker 1:Hey everybody, good job. Let's celebrate by eating some craft services.
Speaker 3:Oh, no, is there shellfish in this.
Speaker 2:Then we could have a subplot where that stool's been following Chester. The stool's like. I'm the real killer number one.
Speaker 1:The stool's like I fucked his wife.
Speaker 2:So now you agree, you have a wife. No, there's no wife.
Speaker 4:You know how goofs work, Kevin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, selectively.
Speaker 3:No, so the fight's over. Yeah, I'm gonna walk up to chest and be like buddy. I'm sorry about your wife. What the fuck.
Speaker 4:What are you?
Speaker 3:talking about.
Speaker 4:I overheard that cult to say he fucked your wife I'd like to do an insight check to see if that's actually uh ekram or maybe a cult member in disguise, because he's talking about something I only mentioned to the cult members. All right, Don't worry, it's a plus zero buddy and 11.
Speaker 3:Do I have to roll against that?
Speaker 2:No, he's just like. I don't know about you. Well, you're all shadowy and angry.
Speaker 4:You're a shadow angry man right now.
Speaker 3:That's true For at least another, like probably nine minutes, Because it lasts for 10 minutes and I'm a cool guy. Like I said something cool, I did like I did my job real good. So this, we seem weird to each other. Yeah, oh is?
Speaker 2:uh, is my shadow clone still off watching? Uh, you just hear good job, you surprised me there, but you'll still need me sometime. I can wait.
Speaker 1:I've waited for so long. Okay, I'm gonna wait.
Speaker 3:Even the shadow's lame. Nobody says ominous and then phases out Don't say it no, he reverses, he phases in.
Speaker 4:You're like whoa.
Speaker 2:Ominous. Oh whoa, oh shit. Yeah, he just tried to get like a jump scare on you, like it was the end of Insidious. All right, lord Featherton, the goose kind of looks over everything and just surveys the kind of carbon. She sees a lot of his soldiers, his loyal followers and subjects dead um. But you do also sense that sense of relief of like they've prevented something terrible from happening. Uh, the dragon shrinks down, uh to kind of this withered, looking wise old man, just a ballista, just threw his arm, yeah.
Speaker 2:He actually plucks it out like it's almost like a splinter to him in this form.
Speaker 4:Ooh.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you guys. I appreciate your efforts and Chester, if you don't mind.
Speaker 2:And he holds out his hands I shake his hand.
Speaker 4:Oh, I go for a hand like oh sorry, buddy, I uh yeah, so I go like the weird left and right to do like two handshakes. Is this how it's accustomed here?
Speaker 1:okay, I meant give me my eggs, oh oh shit, oh yeah. He moves out the way and he like, oh no, picks him up also I've been shot in the arm and you're like let's touch the arm.
Speaker 3:Huh, in my head I imagined you like, panicking in the moment to reach out to shake his hand, forgetting you're holding the egg. No, no, no, we don't make goofs here because cavan will make it a reality that's why I said in my head oh, you're just holding the one remaining egg like, oh my god all right, I hand him the eggs he uh well, let's put this a little bit somewhere safe.
Speaker 2:He snaps his fingers, uh, and that egg disappears. Back to that dream dimension not the one where the beefy boy is enjoying like I imagine he's enjoying some kebabs. We're putting a lot of.
Speaker 4:We've done a lot of like where these cultists go and what are they're doing in their dreamland. We've put a lot of effort into that, ekram, and we would have no idea yeah, no, I need you to know they're having a better time than you have.
Speaker 1:Yep Well thank you, I appreciate you guys. This doesn't always go this way for us.
Speaker 4:We were told, sometimes it goes bad.
Speaker 1:Hopefully we win this one for good.
Speaker 2:You know, I think you boys might just have a chance and uh, you see eckham's like or he's a chest. You just lean over to eckham, like he, uh, he reaches behind his back and you don't even know how he could have done this, because there's like, not like, there's anything back there. He pulls out, uh a sack just into magic, now just a bag and he, he hands it to you, ekram, and give me a uh, give me just an athletics check athletics you looked at chester.
Speaker 2:Oh, I said ekram so well, he also is like.
Speaker 1:I'm going to go over here now.
Speaker 4:You still got angry face.
Speaker 1:Don't even look at my eggs, that's clearly like you don't get this bag.
Speaker 4:This is his.
Speaker 1:What did you do? Do you remember the shit you talked?
Speaker 3:He's actually way worse with money, so if it is some kind of payment, What'd you get 14.
Speaker 2:Okay, you see a small bag and you are like well this is just a little tiny guy. I don't need to brace my, and you immediately get pulled to the ground uh, it's every look, I swear you realize, whatever's in here is just absolutely massive.
Speaker 4:Or dense. It's very small but heavy. That's dense, yeah.
Speaker 1:You boys, I think you're going to have some. You guys are going to have some fun. Hell, yeah, it's a Jeep Cherokee.
Speaker 2:Yes, what this podcast bought to you by Jeep Cherokee. What if this was just one big plug? All right, and that's where we're going to end this session. Oh shit, you guys are going to get to level up as you have basically averted this version of the apocalypse.
Speaker 3:That's exciting.
Speaker 4:Hell yeah, I'm very excited Scott Flaws gets fun stuff down there.
Speaker 2:All right, hey, so this is our session. Tysonyson, where can we find you? Where can we see you?
Speaker 4:uh. You can find me sometimes at elephant moon really cool place uh in indianapolis, indiana. So come by, check out that cool game shop where we recorded at today, uh. But if you want to find me online, you can find me at tyson cox comedy all one word on all the platforms my name is ty Walton.
Speaker 3:You can find me at Nerd News.
Speaker 2:And I am Cavan Eggleston. You can find me at Cavan, underscore Egg or CavanEgglestoncom. Hello, it is I, the fella.
Speaker 4:That talks after the show, but before the outro music. I just want to say thank you again for listening. It's super cool that you guys are here and we get to do this goofy cool thing. So are here and we get to do this goofy cool thing, so that's amazing. Uh, we have a patreon. If you guys want to support us, we would love it. Uh, that way, the more money we get, the more we can do make exclusive pod content, do more video stuff, it's all that kind of stuff, uh. So if you want to do that, that'd be amazing. Uh. But I just wanted to let you guys know we got some shows coming up. We got the september 19th we're at commonwealth uh, that's right outside of Cincinnati and then we have our usual upcoming normal ones. So the 2nd of October we're at Planet of the Tapes and the 9th of October we are back at the White Rabbit. Other than that, we got a lot of cool stuff going on. So stay tuned. Thank you again for listening and may your rolls be 20s.