Welcome to Monster Monster, a real play Dungeons and dragons show featuring comedians as the players. I'm your dm kavin eggleston, joined today by hi.
Speaker 2:I'm tyson cox. I'm playing chester blackfield. I punched, I shot a big bolt through a guy.
Speaker 1:It was pretty good time all right, and my name is tyler waltz and I will be playing ekram, a shadow sorcerer. Just keep it short and sweet today.
Speaker 3:All right. And last session, you folks successfully saved the Fae dragon, the anchor point of this part of reality, one of two dragons that are holding together existence, preventing the awakening of an elder God. Did I miss anything in that recap?
Speaker 2:We leveled up, we leveled up.
Speaker 3:You guys leveled up. Chester deceived a group of cultists into thinking he was getting revenge for being cuckolded.
Speaker 2:Yep, which never been married. You're not going to gaslight me into that, tyler. I know you wanted to. You're not going to.
Speaker 1:Just because the divorce happened doesn't mean you have to deny it, like acceptance is a big part of this marriage that we decided you had last week uh, we cut to a woman doing washing.
Speaker 3:She looks up at a like a framed photograph of chester. She says, when will my beloved get here? And there's a knock at the door, six cultists burst in and they're like who ordered these dickings?
Speaker 2:that's the thing I love about Dungeons and Dragons is when your character autonomy is removed.
Speaker 3:That's my favorite to be fair, we haven't removed any of your autonomy. We've removed her autonomy and she's an NPC. Oh, I don't like that.
Speaker 1:We said that we didn't, you did also never canonically.
Speaker 2:Chester's never been married. No.
Speaker 1:The dragon stoops down to look at you guys.
Speaker 3:Hey, thanks guys, You're my favorites.
Speaker 2:You guys saved everything.
Speaker 1:Well, not the shadow area, but we saved this area.
Speaker 2:You saved all the things I care about yeah, I, uh, thank you guys.
Speaker 3:I, I, I don't know how, how to repay you. Uh, I shall name any. Nudges his little egg forward and you see it starting to hatch. He goes, I shall name him. Hey, wait a minute, I don't actually know your guys' name. We kind of met under trying times. Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:So are you going to just name it after me, or do I got to pick the name?
Speaker 1:What is your name? Well, tell us an answer on that first, before I decide what my name is in the moment.
Speaker 3:Okay, I was going to name my dragon, for my dragon spawn after you.
Speaker 2:My name is Knifeblade the Dark.
Speaker 1:And mine's Shitty McDickstain.
Speaker 2:Come on, buddy, I'll say Ekrem. I was trying to give him a cool name I'd like in high school.
Speaker 3:Okay, ekrem, the Nightblade sounds pretty cool. I'm a fey dragon. I'm made of flowers and happiness. I spit life and I feel like you named my child something. This is, it's a misdirect.
Speaker 1:I kind of like uh, like my nickname in high school was tiny yeah, and if he gets famous, if they just google ekram, there's a chance I show up. So I kind of benefit from this too.
Speaker 3:So oh, you're worried about seo uh all right, he, he also, uh, he breathes a little bit of, uh, of that draconic life energy, that magical power. In front of you, um, ekram, you get a beautifully, beautifully living staff of wood. It curls up, it holds a crystal that shimmers with multiple colors, almost like a prism, for one that is always in the dark. You could use a little light. And you now have a staff of power for you. The same vines, uh, they, they reach for each other, they bramble together, uh, and they make a flying shield.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's pretty fucking cool yeah so you can add those items to your inventory and it's just called flying shield pretty certain, yeah, I'm pretty certain. I've looked at the items, uh, and he goes, but uh, I feel, uh, your time is not done saving the realm while the anchor is protected. I feel something terrible coming and with that you see, one of the portals that the cultists had been pouring out of is still open and you see, as you look through it, a burning cityscape well, that's, that's we're gonna have to handle that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, normally we get like a small break after we either save or don't save the dragon, but this time seems like we're right back in it yep, do you uh?
Speaker 2:hey, I noticed you're doing some cool hot breath uh, some some yoga uh my therapist says breath work doesn't work.
Speaker 3:But but I'm like you know what, if it makes me feel good who cares.
Speaker 2:I was going to say maybe you could just breathe on some of my wounds. I got some hurt. You're not. Hang on, I got it now. You're life like entropy, not like life as in, like healing powers.
Speaker 3:I mean, I am life in its essence. And he gives you. You smell lilacs and gooseberries, which gooseberries are just like giant grapes, right? Well, I don't know yeah, I've never had one, they just look fun. Fantasy gooseberries yeah, oh good berries oh, uh, your wounds, uh, your wounds almost like covered with a moss and you basically get the benefits of a short rest nice. Ekrem, you get some of your spell slots back cool so I used almost all of my spell slots.
Speaker 1:How many is some?
Speaker 2:you know what, but short.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:So it's literally just short rest. You get a short rest, but you'll get some.
Speaker 3:You'll, let's get you. Uh, you can get all your first, second and third level spell slots back. Perfect, that's all of them. And I think with the level up you get, you have a fourth level now too. So, so do you have just one or two, just one at fourth level right now? Now, I'm sorry, you deserve much more than this. You are heroes, you are always welcome here in the Fae realm, but you still have jobs to do. And with that, he kind of just gestures you with one wing towards the portal, like come on, I can take a hint he's kind of like doing that thing like a host does at a party, when he's like you
Speaker 2:guys are staying too long alright, well, it's good to hang out with you. You tell Martha we stop by and and Mighty Ekram the Nightblade. All right, well, it's good to hang out with you.
Speaker 3:You tell Martha we stopped by, and Mighty Ekram the Nightblade. I'll tell him of your deed. I'd say deeds, but we just met.
Speaker 1:He really does only know the one, it's true, actually, and he probably heard of the other one, but that was a failure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, don't bring that one up.
Speaker 3:I think it's important that he knows that your failures don't just define you, that you can succeed.
Speaker 1:That's actually a pretty good point too.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to teach resiliency.
Speaker 1:You're going to raise a good kid.
Speaker 2:We got to go hey you want to go punch a bunch of cultists in the dick.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not going to punch, but I'll hit them in the dick for sure. Nice Hell yeah.
Speaker 3:Magic missile in the man meat. That's a fun phrase.
Speaker 1:Alliteration.
Speaker 3:That's the title of this episode. All right, you guys burst through the portal. It almost hits you. That warm, good feeling that you've felt in the fey realms, that brightness of colors, is all of a sudden uh replaced by the smell of burning timber and, uh, soot and ash, uh you feel the city um, just tense, like there's something horrible is happening. As you uh make your way from this alley, you hear screams and you hear, uh alarm bells as fire brigades rush around trying to kind of quell the flames. You also hear the sound of fights and battles. What would you guys like to do?
Speaker 2:um, does it seem like there's a particular area where all the cult members are like coming from?
Speaker 3:uh, there's, you guys are in this alleyway that there's you're in the heart district. Um, so you are kind of moving into this alleyway. You can kind of see figures running past you. So if you can run into that main street you might have a better view.
Speaker 1:Okay, cool I will do that that way and ask a similar question is there a place that they all seem to be going to?
Speaker 3:uh, yeah, as you guys move in there, go ahead and give me a perception check and is there anything like keeping the alley open? Or like that. That portal, yeah, um no, not necessarily, I think. With the uh, with you stepping through it, the, the goose lord uh uses his powers as, uh, the archfey of the realm to just close off access to his.
Speaker 1:That's what I was hoping for uh, my perception was 15, 15, fantastic eight.
Speaker 3:Okay, um, you got a little smoke in your eyes. You're like, oh, this spicy I got spice, I got spicy fog, um, and uh, ekram, you look in. You see there's definitely a push. These, uh, cultists have almost gone a little bit mad with their failure. They seem to be striking out not at the people in the streets but at the infrastructure of the city. Go ahead and make me I'm just going to say, make me an insight. Check on this, cool.
Speaker 1:Much worse Nine Not going to brag, but it's four plus zero four, just say just make me an insight, check on this.
Speaker 2:Cool, uh, much worse. Nine okay, not gonna brag, but it's four plus zero four all right, you have no idea why they're just punching walls.
Speaker 3:You're like oh, you've been mad at my dad too.
Speaker 2:You know, this is. I think I got this. This is like they all work for a construction company, so they're gonna come by with quotes later.
Speaker 3:I was thinking you think it's a scam to drum up business yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you need an insight check to put together that they just failed killing a dragon and now they're mad? No, that's exactly why you think they're doing it.
Speaker 2:They're just mad boys, cool they just they're throwing a cult wide tantrum okay, yeah, well, you guys, you wanna make our way where they're going, where they're from. What do you want?
Speaker 1:because this is just general. I didn't notice, with my perception check, that they were focusing on a location.
Speaker 3:Right, it's just ambient there, uh, there's random violence occurring around you, uh, again, aimed specifically at buildings. Not necessarily like if there's a person fleeing, they're not striking them down, uh, but if somebody is like trying to defend their business, they're getting messed up Um.
Speaker 2:do we have any of those cult robes? I can't remember.
Speaker 1:I would assume they would still be in my inventory, unless something happened to them.
Speaker 2:Hey you want to throw in those robes, and then we can run over and be like, hey, we over. And be like, hey, we just got new orders. What are we doing over here? We're told to help you guys out.
Speaker 1:It's a very good idea. I will also use my Eldritch. Oh man, I can't remember. It was the feat I took that gave me the warlock.
Speaker 3:The Eldritch invocation To at will disguise yes.
Speaker 1:At will disguise self. Give the robes Nice.
Speaker 3:Okay, so you approach a couple of these cultists that are milling over. What do you do? What do you say?
Speaker 2:Hey, we got new instructions to come over and help you guys out. What are you guys doing?
Speaker 3:It's the time we're waking the sleeper. If we can't destroy the anchors, we'll wake him the old way, sorry, with blood and bone.
Speaker 2:Okay, I got a concussion earlier, so I got some gaps. We're going to do that just by beating up. We're going on a Nintendo rampage.
Speaker 1:Nintendo ramp. Are you referencing the game? Yeah, the game where you're a monster and you just destroy buildings. Yep, okay, cool, just making sure we're on the same page here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Game where you're a monster and you just destroy buildings. Okay, cool, just making sure we're on the same page. Yeah, it wasn't the smoothest one, but, um, he go ahead and make a deception check to see if he actually buys your occultist. You don't have to, you can make it with advantage because you're dressed as them dirty 20 okay, all right, he the cultist. No, we're. We're the distraction. While they're fighting us, our brothers and sisters are striking at the one being that holds this all together.
Speaker 2:Oh, we were supposed to go to that one. I'm sorry, where is that happening? I remember that we were checking with you for the location of that.
Speaker 3:Everyone knows where the.
Speaker 1:Echrem is looking at Chester. Do you want to?
Speaker 3:stop by a medical tent first. I feel like this concussion is a problem.
Speaker 2:Hey, if we can get all of existence erased, I won't have to worry about CTE later. So you're kind of slowing me down on this bud. You want to help me out? Help me, help you.
Speaker 1:Ekram's just standing there as the person that's good with deception going. Let's see how this goes.
Speaker 3:This is fascinating. I mean it just, man. I feel like if you got new orders, the new orders would have included that you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, chaotic times call for chaotic measures, brother, uh, I got my initial orders to come over here to check in with you because they were pinned on my shirt, so like I'm doing a pretty good job, I think I.
Speaker 3:You know he takes a moment to think. I feel like this Colt is not recruiting the brightest, but you know I can't take time from burning this building down to deal with that. Go to the lore worm. Slay the lore worm oh, right, yeah cool, all right. Good, he goes to give you like a fist bump turkey him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll see you, bud all right as we walk away, I'm gonna pat chester on the back and be like hey, buddy, we'll work on it. Like I know that you were excited, you wanted to get the information, but maybe I talked to him and then we work on this when the world's saved fair enough, you know, I just I got excited.
Speaker 2:I just, oh, come on, maybe I got this new boomerang shield. Should we go save our boss? Yeah, yeah, oh sorry, it's just like a foot from the guy no, uh, yeah clearly we would have started doing this on the run here, quick, some fully work hey, robert, just so you know he was masturbating.
Speaker 3:That's the sound it makes, uh the old running tug all right. Um, how do you guys, uh, make your way towards the lure worm you see in front of you? Go ahead and give me just a D6 roll there, ekram, or just Ekram.
Speaker 1:Yeah, five.
Speaker 3:Five. All right In front of you. You see a group of cultists approaching some of the city guard. You see a dwarf that looks kind of like Pewter. She's swinging her hammer back and forth, just not trying to really hit them, but trying to keep them wary of. You see a group of civilians behind her.
Speaker 1:How many and how tightly grouped are they? Just in case it's important.
Speaker 3:Yeah, uh, they're, you know, they're kind of like spreading out and around trying to flank her.
Speaker 3:She's turning quick yeah, she's turning around there. She's got a kind of a small shield wall of two or three, but there's five cultists, uh, kind of uh, surrounding them. You see, leading them is one that um has given himself over more towards the, the metamorphosis of the cult. Um, you see a large, long, gangly arm hanging down from the robes. Looks like he's maybe got the arm of an ogre attached to him on one side. Uh, you see tentacles and tendrils, uh, sticking out of the claw or his tattered robes and various angles.
Speaker 1:A hand holds a rusty sword on a scale of one to ten, how fireballable are they?
Speaker 2:I mean everyone's fireballable, uh, the real question is how fireball adjacent are the people we like right and can they take a fireball? No, but I do. All right, you take the big one, I'll take the five guys yeah, I like this all right get the burger yeah yeah but I don't know, the burgers aren't great, but boy, they give you a shit ton of french fries.
Speaker 1:I think there's a lot of people that would be upset at you for saying they don't have big burgers.
Speaker 2:That's probably just my opinion, man.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep, all right. Do you want big five guys against us? Is that what?
Speaker 2:it is. Are you trying to turn Old big burger?
Speaker 3:coming down on Monster Pod. Watch this Four tiny guys, one big guy, five guy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll take the bigger deal.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'm going to go ahead and give me. Do you want to try to sneak up on them? How are you wanting to do this? Do you want to charge in behind?
Speaker 2:them. I'm just running as if we're a part of the group. You know what I mean. I'm going to use that to advantage and just punch one of them in the back of the head.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask if we needed to roll initiative.
Speaker 2:Yeah go First off. I'm just going to have you guys roll a quick stealth to see if you can approach unseen or unheard.
Speaker 3:For some reason. I'm a real good stealth. Oh shit, Ten. Okay. Upside they got a one on that perception to spot you guys, so they're very dialed in Eighteen. Yeah, they're dialed in on this group. They have a goal.
Speaker 2:Do we get a surprise round?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, then Do we get a surprise round? Yeah, then I'm going to just run up and, like I said, I'm just trying to punch one in the back of the base of the spine. You know, just make the legs and the brain disconnect from each other. You know, just fun, just for goofs.
Speaker 3:Just a little paralysis for goofs.
Speaker 2:Well, you're trying to kill the normal nice people and my buddies and my friend Pewter's in trouble.
Speaker 3:So oh, it looks like Pewter Fair. Very important distinction in trouble. It looks like Pewter Fair. What was your initiative?
Speaker 2:Oh, I wonder if something's going to be amiss with Pewter when we get there, my initial what?
Speaker 3:What was your initiative?
Speaker 1:Average 13. 5. Pretty low. What's your dex? That was with my dex 10 plus 3.
Speaker 3:Plus 3 is my dex modifier.
Speaker 2:What's your dex?
Speaker 1:That was with my dex.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, so 10 plus three what's your dex modifier Plus?
Speaker 1:three is my dex modifier. What was yours?
Speaker 3:Five.
Speaker 1:Five, okay, pretty bad.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, and I've seen worse, but not today. Pretty hard to get worse. And then, okay, all right, you guys do get a surprise round, so that's good. They just don't get a turn, because 5e's I'm not mad, 5e's stuff is dumb as far as how surprise rounds work. But whoa Jesus. Okay, ekron, what would you like to do first?
Speaker 1:I would like to use my bonus action to summon my Hound of Bad Omen and basically summon it to target the big guy.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:And then Do you have a cool catchphrase for him, Like bite his butt. I'm working on it. I gotta think of a good way to.
Speaker 3:Bite his butt is a catchphrase. Huh, Eat his ass, damn it that's gonna go on a shirt. Could Eat his ass, damn it that's going to go on a shirt. Could be worse Get our monster, monster merch at our Zazzle shop.
Speaker 1:Hound of Ill Omen. Okay, what's?
Speaker 3:this dog look like? How would flavor this for me?
Speaker 1:You ever see the movie the Mask, I was going to say I don't want to say stereotypical, but the normal way that Cerberus is kind of portrayed with like flames down his back and stuff like that flaming fur, except it's just a one-headed dog okay, what breed?
Speaker 3:uh, oh that's a good question. Is it german? Shepherd german shepherds a lot instead of one-headed cerberus oh yeah, let me check the akc listing for cerberus.
Speaker 1:It's just one uh, do you want to have a hell of a time? Get our dog all right? Uh, nope, random cat ran through that's because you mentioned dogs all right sure um all right, so your servers latches on.
Speaker 1:That's your bonus action, uh it'll share an attack with me. Um, and then, to conserve spell slots, I'll just fire bolt for now. Uh, the big boy, yes, okay, and that is a 13 to hit okay, uh it doesn't, it does not okay, and then my dog goes in for the bite. Uh natural 20 on the dog okay uh, so because it's using the dire wolf stats, uh, a strength saving throw of 13 to see if he gets pinned.
Speaker 3:Okay, he doesn't.
Speaker 1:Okay, you pinned him Four six, nine Okay, we got 14 piercing damage, okay, and he is prone on the ground. Oh, plus three, so sorry about that, okay, 17.
Speaker 3:That's a good bite from the dog. Yeah, and that ends my turn. All right, chester, what would you like to do? 17. That's a good bite from the dog, and that ends my turn.
Speaker 2:Chester, what would you like to do? I'd like to run up and then use my action to just take two swings at either one cultist or two cultists, if one is soft and falls down. So that is going to be first attack 10. Alright, that first swing misses one of the cultists, I'll take another swing at him.
Speaker 2:Okay, uh, 15 that'll hit, all right sweet, that's gonna be a 12 damage okay, you crumble this guy, uh, roll your wild magic, oh, yeah, and then, as a bonus action, I'd like to use misdirection okay uh I got a natural 20 on that. Uh, um wild magic okay, all right, fantastic.
Speaker 3:Let's see what happens with a 20. Oh, come on, do you love when you open up a chart and it's like, hey, we have a zoom, but it actually doesn't do anything like why do we even have a chart, guys? Uh, a 20, all right, go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. Oh so you take a big old pop at this guy and, uh, grease erupts around you seven as that happens. You fall prone. Uh, you just fall down on your.
Speaker 2:You're like oh, I'm a slippery boy. Uh, as a bonus action, I still want to try to do that. Misdirect, yeah, on the big bad. So he has to make a dc. Uh, 15 intelligence okay yeah, definitely we'll.
Speaker 3:We'll say you, uh, you slip, slip a little bit after this happens or I can make it.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Like it depends how it works what's the save?
Speaker 3:yes, to what number has intelligence? 15, 15?
Speaker 2:okay, he doesn't all right, sweet, look. Can we say like I hit that guy and then like I slip and fall and like kind of shuffles everyone around, so like he's doing, like Flavor it how you want. Yeah, so like I hit the one guy and I crumple him, but then I explode in grease and then fall on the ground, I just you're super lubed up.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think having that causes everyone to kind of shuffle like three card Monty, so he's not sure who's who. Okay, now he must use his uh act, one of his uh.
Speaker 3:His reaction like to so he takes a reaction to hit something. Yep, okay, uh, is it just a spell or a melee attack?
Speaker 2:Uh, I believe well, it says causes them to attack.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:All right, okay, all right, yeah, that'll definitely hit. Uh okay, so that'll hit one of these cultists and it's their reaction.
Speaker 3:So it'd be like, yeah, so he can't take a reaction during his until his next turn okay, cool as hell.
Speaker 2:That's so cool and strong and good all right.
Speaker 3:Uh, he just as you. I can just see this is like you kind of falling. You grab him and you spin him around and his sword just lops off another cultist's head.
Speaker 2:There's no blood on me, it's fine.
Speaker 3:Well, the upside, you're so greased up, the blood will just roll off like water off a duck's back.
Speaker 3:All right, that's going to make it all right back into the top of the round. So this zealot looks at you back. Nice, all right, uh, that's gonna make it all right back into the top of the round. So this, uh, this zealot looks at you. Um, zealot, oh, it's pinned. I didn't even think of that like so, it didn't lop off a head when this happened, because it's pinned by the it just like cut a guy off at the knees.
Speaker 2:Uh, yeah, even worse, somehow because when you die, you're dead fast. His legs came off and then he fell on his stumps.
Speaker 3:So he? The first thing he does is he just using that big ogre arm to like, push your hound of omen up off of him and you see him just wink out of existence and almost like he falls through shadow and appears behind. Chester so he teleports behind Chester. Everyone make strength saving throws everybody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how does that work, with me being prone?
Speaker 3:you still make it normally okay, 21 3 okay, you're fine, you're still prone. You feel yourself yanked towards the spot where he existed. Make it also for your ill, your hound, okay does it?
Speaker 2:uh, just pull the grease off me. Is that what it is? It just can't get a hold of me.
Speaker 3:It's slippery these tendrils are trying to reach up from the shadows. They're like yo yo, no gross.
Speaker 2:Yo, this is it's crisco. I was cooking a lot of bacon this week, sorry uh 10 for the dog okay, uh, it's pull two.
Speaker 3:So you guys are gonna take 4d8 worth of force damage as you're pulled towards this thing upside on your end. Is it wiped out? The other cultists when he did this? Cool, so they're dead. But 4d, where's my d8s? Alright, 13 21, no 15 23 you're gonna take 23 points of force damage um warlocks are known for their hardy constitution.
Speaker 2:Right, I'm not a warlock, I'm a sorcerer, even better it's episode 16.
Speaker 1:I understand why you're just learning this now. Uh, it's all spells to me, buddy. That was one point higher than half my health, why you're just learning this now. It's all spells to me, buddy. That was one point higher than half my health, so yeah, okay, good to know.
Speaker 3:Then behind you, chester, go ahead, and I don't like the tone in his voice right now.
Speaker 1:I'm about to make my first move ever with this power staff to just break it over my knee 13?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do not believe it does Okay.
Speaker 3:So you feel a tugging in your mind as it searches for your thoughts. Open your mind to me.
Speaker 2:No, okay, I respect boundaries.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much. You should have been like what are you into Another?
Speaker 3:13. And a crit. So, then he takes as he does, that he catches you kind of off guard and smacks you real good with his sword. You are going to take D6. So five, nine, nine, eighteen piercing damage and then nine points of psychic damage.
Speaker 2:All right, is that all you got? I mean, it felt like it was pretty good. It was pretty good, I'm not going to lie, pretty good Game, respect, game, my dude.
Speaker 3:You're hearing this just in your head. He's like thanks, you seem like a decent fellow. I hate to have to kill you.
Speaker 2:Oh, you seem like a piece of shit. I can't wait to kill you.
Speaker 1:I know that's not how the quote goes, but All right all right, uh, that'll bring us to ekram your turn, okay, um, let's utilize this new uh staff of power. I will expend three charges of it right, no, five charges of it to cast lightning bolt on him okay, uh, let's get his deck saving throw.
Speaker 3:What's the number he's got to beat? 14. Yes, all right, he uh fails. Go ahead and lightning bolt him.
Speaker 1:Oh, I just realized that. Uh, okay, I just read it as casting lightning bolt, but you get to cast it at third level, so so that's the level it's. Oh, it is a third level spell.
Speaker 2:Okay, cool, run on 86, and that's why you get a cast at third.
Speaker 1:It'd be weird if they were like do this on the app, Heck with you.
Speaker 2:Just do it at second level, figure that out, do a couple minuses. We're not going to tell you what the thing is.
Speaker 1:All right. 8d6 came out to 30 lightning damage.
Speaker 3:All right, you smell the smell of like cooked seafood, like calamari, uh, and also burnt ogre flesh as a lightning crackles over him, Uh. You hear in your mind historically, a tick moved to hit a guy when he doesn't expect it.
Speaker 1:I'm here to shit. I'm not here to fight fair fights, I'm here to win.
Speaker 2:You hit me when I was on the ground. I know I'm evil.
Speaker 3:Well, it's kind of my thing. You seem like you guys are very not understanding roles here.
Speaker 1:I mean the world's complex, more of an anti-hero kind of thing. Shades of Grey. Also the move that we had to save against that did 23 damage, that did kill the Hound of Ill-Owned, so that he's not in anymore. I'm sorry about your dog. You feel like you're having a John Wick moment. I'll summon him later. He just kind of goes away and I can bring him back. Oh, so not a.
Speaker 3:John Wick moment.
Speaker 1:More of a like a I just want to kill you, you might be the bad guy.
Speaker 2:It's like a Tamagotchi. You were supposed to feel bad when those died too.
Speaker 1:I need a something that has a reset button feels more like a.
Speaker 3:I killed my cultist too, so we all have gotten rid of something we love today. That's permanent not when we reset reality in our own image he's got a point are we all the Tamagotchi of this world?
Speaker 2:I think so.
Speaker 3:Roll existential crisis what would that be? The Tamagotchi of this world? I think so Roll Existential Crisis. What would that be? What would my modifier be? D20 Wisdom Wisdom saving throw.
Speaker 2:So that's good, because it's going to be a three, three, all right, was that all your turn?
Speaker 3:Yes, that was my turn, so it goes to your turn. The reason why I have you roll that with a three this guy, the reason why I have you roll that with a three this guy, you are now questioning existence completely. Oh, chester. Your wisdom saving throw failed. You're going to take 2d6 psychic damage.
Speaker 1:What Was that? Me too, or just Chester?
Speaker 3:No, you're just close, you're out of his range. So you take eight points of psychic damage.
Speaker 2:All right. Well, I hope there's like a poke arrest area, like a nurse joy, because I'm getting real fucking dipped up here bud.
Speaker 3:All right, what would?
Speaker 2:you like to do, chester, hit the wrong button. There we go. I'm going to well, I'm going to get up. So I'll probably use my half my movement to get up. Okay, yeah, I'm going to do a cool like in the movie Upgrade, where I just kind of like throw my elbows back and just to my feet, okay, nice. And then I'm going to punch him really good. So I'm going to run over just like one to him.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 2:With my good punches. And that is a 21 on the first attack, Definitely a hit, a ooh even better, 24 on the second.
Speaker 3:Okay, definitely a hit.
Speaker 2:Okay, and that's 9 Plus, so 19 total damage.
Speaker 3:Okay, fantastic, is he still up? Yeah, he is, but he's looking pretty jacked up. Action surge.
Speaker 2:I get that back on a short rest, right. I'll have to mark that in a second For speed. Looking pretty jacked up. Action surge Okay, I get that back on a short rest, right. Yep, I'll have to mark that in a second for speed. Second attack or third attack 19. Okay, that'll hit and a 18.
Speaker 3:Okay, that'll hit too yeah.
Speaker 2:Hit those buttons real fast, 11 plus 12. This guy's on Hit those buttons real fast, 11 plus 12.
Speaker 3:Alright, this guy's on death's door. Go ahead and also roll your d20 to see if you surge.
Speaker 2:Surge Is that every attack, or just when I attack, every attack no 8.
Speaker 3:Nope 8. Nope, 8? That's crazy. And six, okay. I was like, are you just rolling d8s? Are you just looking at the dice options? I like that one, all right. Uh, so you don't surge on any of those. Um, fantastic dude, uh, go ahead. And uh, let's see, that makes it this, this dwarf. Uh, she runs up and uh, she's just gonna slap her uh hand on you and be like you got this bud.
Speaker 1:Uh thank you thank you pewter?
Speaker 3:I feel like you should have hit him you know, you know, pewter, you seen me sister nope we hung out one time.
Speaker 2:We're not that close.
Speaker 3:Haven't seen her in a while you're gonna heal for 12 plus 4, so 16 points as she lays on hands.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you so much for that.
Speaker 3:All right, that brings us back up to the top, this cultist. Let's see if he gets his recharge back. He does not. All right. All right, ekrem.
Speaker 1:Yes, does a 23 hit. Nope, don't worry about it. I don't even think casting shield would help me in this situation.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Speaker 3:All right, 23 hits. Go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw for me, oh good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you could go ahead and that one baby.
Speaker 2:Oh, no you should do me a favor. Kill him on this turn, because he hurts me a lot.
Speaker 3:I'm trying.
Speaker 2:I've done 30.
Speaker 3:21 points of psychic damage. I'm down, all right.
Speaker 2:That's not what I asked you to do.
Speaker 1:You're also stunned, but that was the exact amount of damage you needed to do to down me.
Speaker 3:That was the exact amount of damage he needed to do to down me. Oh wow, Do you have that ability? I?
Speaker 1:do because it wasn't necrotic damage. Yeah, so I get to do Cool, I'm fine.
Speaker 3:Are you back up? Yes, I'm back up, okay.
Speaker 1:Just don't hit me again.
Speaker 3:He sees you go down, he's like oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Let's knock this shit off.
Speaker 3:I feel like I kind of want to hit him again, now that he said don't hit me again. He said it out loud no, uh, all right, yeah, I just I imagine that it looks like you, uh, almost like your shadowy clone, kind of like pulls you back up I was thinking like my knees buckled but I recovered before I hit the ground. So kind of like when you're a little too drunk but you're like, yeah, I still gotta get this budweiser from this bar yeah yeah, pull it together.
Speaker 3:Ekram, that knee goes out. Yeah, you're drunk behind this. Uh, this thing, this, this cultist. You see your shadowy self, just kind of like eyeing you and be like give in can you fuck off for like an hour?
Speaker 1:Can I get some fucking peace? I'm part of you, I don't give a shit.
Speaker 3:It's like it'd be, like you were like hey, can I get my ear to go away? You can't.
Speaker 1:You can. Van Gogh did it right. You do want to cut off your ear Fucking if it gets you out of my head for an hour.
Speaker 3:Maybe, Try.
Speaker 2:You want to cut off your ear fucking.
Speaker 1:If it gets you out of my head for an hour, maybe try it. That feels like it would be one point of damage. Just drop yourself. Well, at least you shut up.
Speaker 3:But okay, everything's fine, everything is fine, uh, and then he's gonna take two stabs with his sword at chester 2 26.
Speaker 2:No, yes.
Speaker 3:Alright, bud. I feel like this guy is tougher than all the cultist dragons that you fought.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's been a real rough boy. He has just base brain wave damage. Okay, you're gonna take 9 piercing damage from his sword and then gosh bud 11 psychic damage all right, let's just say it was a good thing that uh not pewter came over and high-fived my back don't call her neuter.
Speaker 3:Uh, I just did I didn't all right chester, that's your turn. I'm sorry, ekram, that's your turn, okay um, I sorry, ekrem, that's your turn.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm just going to keep leaning on this Staff of Power right now because I want to save my spell slots for some cool shit that I got. I'm going to man. I don't want to be a one-trick pony, but Lightning Bolt seems like a pretty good option again. Yeah, I'm just going to Lightning Bolt again. I was going to hold hold monster.
Speaker 3:But if he's doing psychic stuff then he doesn't need to move to do that.
Speaker 1:Um so yep, lightning that dexterity saving throw please, okay. 23, okay, well, he still takes half damage, which is enough. 26, so I'll take 13.
Speaker 3:Uh you, thank god you obliterate this thing. The lightning bolt slams into him, lifts him off his feet and it just vaporizes this cultist.
Speaker 2:Good, no loot on his body to investigate.
Speaker 1:I was going to take that girthy arm of his.
Speaker 3:Just the arm is there, as all that's left. It like ripped off the stitches. He's like that was fresh. He just vaporizes. Uh. All that's left is uh, there's a medallion, uh, left from the smoldering ruins of the.
Speaker 2:Well, we can't touch it right now. It's probably very hot to the touch probably yeah, so we're gonna give it a few minutes oh, I'll mage hand it oh, boom yeah your mage hands just like no, no.
Speaker 3:And then picks it up A little hot mage hand, Like when you have a potato. Oh no.
Speaker 2:You know we could have just waited while we talked to um not what was your name? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name in the middle of all this hubba blue oh, uh. I'm, I'm lead what a what a elegant name like the poisoning yeah, well, I mean, I do do poison damage with this hammer.
Speaker 3:Oh poison your life out of you.
Speaker 2:I was gonna say poison on a hammer is insane. That's a pretty crazy like. In case the bludgeoning don't get you, give it 45 minutes yeah, it'll seep through the skin.
Speaker 3:What do you? What do you know of me, sister?
Speaker 2:I believe last time we saw her she went into the shadow realm and that was it. She ran off.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she played Yu-Gi-Oh too hard she.
Speaker 3:We always knew the trap card would get her one day. We always said Pewter, don't be playing the.
Speaker 1:Yu-Gi-Oh. We were hoping she made it out, Just for context, just to make sure I'm remembering or anybody that's tuning in is remembering. We are fairly certain she's dead Right.
Speaker 3:When the realm collapsed, she collapsed with it.
Speaker 2:Chester's a hopeful guy. We didn't see her die Like. You know how TV shows have people die off screen and then they're like haha, just kidding.
Speaker 3:You think this is an x-men character situation?
Speaker 2:it could be that's up to you, isn't it? Yeah?
Speaker 3:uh, I, we, we fear the worst, but, uh, you know I, she probably died doing what she.
Speaker 1:She did, I will be honest, saving people I will say that we didn't literally see her die, but chances are she was consumed when we were trying to defend the dragon. I'll be very sincere about it.
Speaker 3:I will say I appreciate that If you're friends of Pewter, you're friends of mine, and she reaches into her pouch and she gives you each a potion of greater healing.
Speaker 1:Oh, my god, yeah, thank you. Well, um, I was going to make a joke saying that we were friends with your sister, but I'm not now.
Speaker 2:I like you're like, I'm going to be sincere and then just be a real dipshit.
Speaker 3:Also be careful that those potions are lined with lead. You might get a little bit of lead poisoning.
Speaker 1:I just kidding, it's fucking fine, that's Tyler seeping into Ekrem.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, I uh, I'm going to go ahead and because we're on our way to like the lore worms area cheers buddy and drink the potion what's the?
Speaker 3:greater healing do let's see what does the greater healing potion do?
Speaker 1:I feel like it's more than that 44 increase the amount of d4s 44 plus 4 hit points when you drink this potion you said plus 4 hit points when you drink this potion, you said plus 4?
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Nice 10.
Speaker 2:Also 10. Okay.
Speaker 3:Better than 0. Yeah, if you follow me I'll take you the back way to the lore worms where they seem to be congregating. Uh, the defenses are holding the city, most of the watches there but uh, you, you see, she's like, but somebody has got to look out for the wee folk and she points to the group of uh County commoners that she was shielding with her, her fellow um watchmen. She's like they can take them from here. But you boys look like you need a little backup.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not going to say no.
Speaker 3:to someone with character levels oh no. Commoner stats oh no you're good, then you need to stay here.
Speaker 2:Do not. I don't need to see you die as well.
Speaker 3:I'm just the last in my family. Yeah, nope, you stay here. They always, they always told me hey, led, uh, the name rides with you. Yeah, I look at all the commenters.
Speaker 2:They're like hey, you find any of them handsome because you guys could. You guys could hang out and get a, get a family going and not immediately die at the first kind of anything.
Speaker 3:I got a brother. His name is ryan. Uh, you can. You can save him. He's a private in the army. You can save private ryan if you need to.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's kind of crazy. That seemed way out of.
Speaker 2:You pulled that out of Did your back hurt, Kevin. That was a stretch.
Speaker 3:Well, I've been carrying this campaign this whole goddamn time.
Speaker 2:Is she a commoner or is?
Speaker 3:she a she's a city guardsman.
Speaker 2:All right. Well, let's head down. I look at the commoners and I'm like that feels so bad to say. I look at the people. I turn to the people huddle. I'm like it's all right, everybody, it's going to be okay and I kind of hope people recognize me just a little bit so they can be like. So I'm kind of like hamming it up a little bit.
Speaker 3:It's not a great speech because Chester's kind of dumb, give it up a little bit. It's not a great speech because Chester's kind of dumb Give me a persuasion check. I don't say they had an advantage, they just watched you cover yourself in grease and run at cultists Squee. The guy with the lightning bolt staff seems like he might have been a little bit more essential.
Speaker 2:I got a 19. Okay, but I'm like it's going to be alright, we're here to help's gonna be okay.
Speaker 3:Just watch out for each other and be kind uh, yeah, you see the look of like some of them like that's, it's him, it's, it's the number one killer, the number one killer's. Here we might have a chance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the number one killer's here I'll press the digitation a little bit of like fireworks off your shoulder. Be like everything's okay, it's going to
Speaker 3:be just like shadowy kind of creepy fireworks. No, no, all right, yes they. I mean, you've kind of rallied this group of people. They're feeling at least a little bit more hope in this situation. Go ahead, and both of you give me a perception.
Speaker 2:Check 17, 17 17 14.
Speaker 3:You see down the street um darting into an alleyway. You see a small girl. She turns and looks at you and then skips down the alleyway well, that seemed like weirdly specific to point out.
Speaker 2:It's either a really creepy girl, because that's a weird thing to do in such a trying time, or the one that has visited me in my dreams. All right, it's a big difference. Is it the one that visited me in my dreams?
Speaker 3:Go ahead and give me an intelligence check.
Speaker 1:Oh no, Go ahead and fail this one, tyson's what I just heard true weakness, and I notice it. Or just you notice what?
Speaker 3:did you roll in perception 14, 14? Yeah, you notice it too. Okay, and you can roll a arcana to see if you would be able to piece this together, I got an 18 okay, fantastic, yeah. You recall your dream vividly, like this is the child that you saw in your dreams.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, she's visited in my dreams. I think it's a pretty good omen. Okay, so you think we?
Speaker 1:should follow.
Speaker 2:Is that? What kind of yeah yeah, it's not a bad omen.
Speaker 1:My arcana didn't tell me anything, so I will follow your lead.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you dart down, I skip down, you skip down you follow. Mm-hmm, it's fucking playful as shit. Give me a performance, check, homie.
Speaker 1:Hell yeah, I was going to say let's tone it down.
Speaker 3:I'm just going to walk around, I'm just laying like You're just watching this giant, burly, bare-knuckled boxer that's covered in grease and blood.
Speaker 1:Scraping a little girl down an alley, that's so don't whistle.
Speaker 2:It makes it sound like it's not threatening, but it's wrong. I got a 14 14.
Speaker 3:Okay, you do a pre uh, as you guys uh, make this. You see the, the brick, uh, the light of the fires in the city and the street lamps that are still working, um, kind of diminishes uh, and you see almost like a technicolor hue take to everything. You see the girl standing in this kind of empty space as she, where she stands, there's a radiating pool of shimmering light. She turns. I see you're here for more games. Always, I don't like the ones they're playing right now.
Speaker 2:Chester kind of walks over and gets on one knee and puts a hand on her shoulder. He's like it's gonna be okay.
Speaker 3:She just gives you a hug.
Speaker 2:I give her a hug and go. This world might always seem kind, but it's always. You got to look for the good, you got to find the good.
Speaker 3:She just like, she nuzzles into you, like just a person just needing that reassurance. That's why I like you, you, you always see the good, even in the bad situations. Um, in the dark, around this light radiance, you see six glowing eyes open. They are glowing red, not maliciously or hatefully.
Speaker 2:I was like oh no.
Speaker 3:Go ahead and give me you almost feel this feeling of like acceptance and understanding. Go ahead and give me just a straight up I'm going to say just a straight up charisma check.
Speaker 2:Four, four Perfect time for the dramatic moment. Yeah.
Speaker 3:No, this is great. You feel your senses just kind of like this thing wants inside your mind and as this happens, like you try to kind of throw up a wall, this mental like block, but everything that's happening. You're just worn down. And this wave of relief, fear, anxiety, but at the same time hope, and you realize whatever this thing is that you're seeing, believes in you, fully trusting in you, you gain the fey-touched feet.
Speaker 2:Oh shit.
Speaker 3:As if this, this thing, she goes. I'm worried when this is all over, you won't come back and play games with me if I'm still here, I'll come play games all right, ekram. What are you doing when you see all this?
Speaker 1:what the fuck is happening. Chester's got a kid.
Speaker 3:And he had it with his wife.
Speaker 1:I can't have. I don't have a wife. I feel like this would have come up sooner.
Speaker 3:Do you know my mummy? No, Ekrem, in your ear you hear a voice. I swear to God, it doesn't look like he needs you anymore. It looks like he's grown past you. Don't worry, buddy. I'm still here for you, ekrem, and that's where we're going to end this session.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, get fucked nerd.
Speaker 1:That's fine, that's fine, good for you. I'll figure it out All right, hey guys. Thanks's fine, that's fine, good for you.
Speaker 3:I'll figure it out All right. Hey guys, Thanks for the end of this session. Tyson, where can we find you? Where can we see you?
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm at Tyson Cox Comedy. I travel all over, so check out my website at. Tysoncoxcomedycom and follow me on Instagram at TysonCoxComedy.
Speaker 3:My name is Tyler Waltz and you can find everything I do at nerd news and I'm cavin eggleston. I uh dm some of the live shows. We have live shows coming up. Uh, tyson will be back to tell you where those ones are upcoming. And, uh, as always, this podcast is edited by robert schmabbert, so give robert schmabbert a follow on instagram. Yeah, he's really great and he kept in the stuff that made tyler and tyson look bad, but the stuff that made me look good there too, but he cut out the stuff where I got weird thanks, robert yeah, robert puts in a lot of work.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you don't want to say unsung heroes, but we're singing right now for this boy. All right, thank you guys. If you like what we're doing, give us a review on any of the services. If you don't like what we do, just just say five stars. That's how we know you hate us if you put five stars. Bye.