I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll, I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll, I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll At 20 on that troll.
Speaker 2:Hit that shit down pretty low, I just wanna roll. Welcome to Monster Monster, a real-play Dungeons Dragons experience with comedians playing your favorite characters.
Speaker 3:I'm your Dungeon Master, kevin Eggleston, joined today by Hi, I'm Tyson Cox and I'm playing Chester Blackfield, who's not dead. Okay, alright, Deep lore.
Speaker 4:Deep lore for him. Fact, and my name is Tyler Waltz. I'm playing, playing Ekrem, who is getting more and more concerned with being forever in the bad type of darkness, not the kind that he tends to keep himself in question is. Is he dead?
Speaker 2:I don't think so now that uh Tyson's brought up the idea that we have to announce whether or not our characters are alive or dead, I have questions.
Speaker 4:I was pretty confident until he brought it up.
Speaker 2:Last session, you guys faced against the formidable Kaga Blood Axe. You slew her and saved the life of the Lore Worm, the massive time dragon that serves as the anchor to time and space in this reality. Massive time dragon that serves as the anchor to time and space in this reality, and you are rushing off to try to prevent the awakening of the elder God on which your entire city, nay, your entire existence, is built. How are you guys feeling about that? Pretty good, yeah, what's Chester's like? What's?
Speaker 3:Chester's feeling right now. What's his inner monologue like? It's kind of like after you've been in a car accident You're like, well, there's a lot of stuff I got to do, but not a lot of thought going on. There's a lot of autopilot.
Speaker 2:I guess I get like how far after the car accident, because you're like right after or you're like the next day where you're like I got to call insurance.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Is he like that? Where he's like I?
Speaker 3:got to call my time insurance. Yeah, he's like thank God I got progressive. They're pretty good.
Speaker 2:Hashtag not sponsored yeah, not sponsored yeah no, that's going to really infuriate our sponsor, Geico. Yeah right, Geico, we don't do time stuff.
Speaker 3:Geico.
Speaker 1:It's not a catchy slogan.
Speaker 3:I told him to change it Anyways yeah, he's just a little bit like oh boy.
Speaker 2:I just want to go back to punching things. All right, Ekrem, what's going through your head during this?
Speaker 4:Ekrem would probably be going back and cataloging, because the last I don't know 24 to 48 hours for the two of us have been insane. We literally went from whatever level we were I can't even remember to 15, I think it was like eight.
Speaker 3:So he's probably still just cataloging, like I don't even know what new stuff I can do yet, but we're gonna find out how does that work for your character like in the mindset of like oh, I can just mine is like I'm just stronger, can punch gooder. Like yours is like I have access to new infinite powers oh no, I'm a god I have access to knowledge that I don't even know I have yet.
Speaker 4:It's kind of like it's like a second awakening of power and it's like until something emotional or something draws it out of me, I literally don't know what I can do right now so you went through like wizard puberty.
Speaker 3:Yeah, gross, yep, I was gonna try to make a pun word out of it. You got you got.
Speaker 2:You got hair popping up on your spell books. The familiars are starting to look kind of cute my component pouch itches I don't know, I don't know how far we carry this metaphor, but it's getting weird.
Speaker 3:Your staff is more gnarled. Yeah, you wake up some days it's just pointing north.
Speaker 2:All right, the lore worm. She ushers you quickly up through the crumbling remains of her spiral, you guys. Just as you go, you see kind of scattered resistance from the cultists. They seem to have largely abandoned, as if they all know this place. This front of their war is lost.
Speaker 3:Oh no, they're going to move in a spirit Halloween. Is that what we're worried?
Speaker 2:about Is just discount novelties, seasonal novelties. Is that now the big bad? Yeah, capitalism.
Speaker 3:Capitalism. All right, anyways.
Speaker 2:Consumerism, seasonal novelties. Is that now the big bad? Yeah, cap, capitalism, capitalism yeah, all right, anyways, let's uh mention our patreon now uh, we have one, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, do it so we don't have to engage in capitalism. All right, not every slogan's gonna be a good one, tyler. Okay, I'm not even trying, I'm just I'm sorry m sorry, mcdonald's took the mm-mm. Loving it.
Speaker 4:So I can't do that for Patreon. I'm just letting you guys dig a hole so I can piss in it.
Speaker 3:Kinky yeah.
Speaker 2:Gross this podcast brought to you by FetLife where you can find somebody to dig holes and pee in them. Fetlife.
Speaker 4:Dildo shovel. Hold on In. All seriousness, is FetLife a thing?
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh boy, hey guys, you're going to hear a pause in this audio and this is where Tyler is going to learn some things.
Speaker 4:It wouldn't surprise me at all if it did no it did.
Speaker 2:I found my third grade teacher on it. All right, anyways, moving on, that's how they hired them.
Speaker 4:Hold on. Were you in third grade? No, we didn't have the internet then, Tyler.
Speaker 2:Thanks for making me feel old. No that's right. Yeah, no, we had. What was that shitty Mac game? Kid Picks. Remember Kid Picks?
Speaker 3:That sounds terrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know that at all. Was it Click Picks? I don't know.
Speaker 3:Anyways, I'm going to edit this out. It's black and white.
Speaker 2:As you move to the roof, you burst out onto the top of the tower at the heart of the city, at the center of the city, I should say no longer the heart. You already visited there when you went to the feywild. Yeah, the center of the city is uh kind of a building that you've never like. It's always dominated the skyline, but it's never one you've really paid attention to. You see it glowing with this color of octarine, this color of magic, this kind of it almost is like a purplish orange.
Speaker 2:It's very like for you who schooled in magic and the arcane. You're like oh, that's that's purplish orange. Oh my god, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't own a color wheel you're just like orange. You just know that like this is kind of the that color of raw magic. Um, it's, and it's usually not associated with like hey, this is a good time, we should just all be fiddling with the fundamental forces of unphysics.
Speaker 2:I prefer my magic medium rare 20 episodes, and this is where he decides to all of a sudden be a zip zap zopper all right, go ahead and give me an arcana check there, uh, chester, to see how things are going for you. Well, you know it's bad magic let's see what chester thinks it is, that's mean negative one.
Speaker 2:Okay, 14, that's pretty okay you know, uh well, you, deep in your heart, you you're like that's not a good sign. You also are thinking to yourself, well, magic's not bad People that use magic. Bad are bad Words. Don't kill people. Power word kill kills people. Well, technically, the only way to stop a bad guy with wish is a good guy with wish, double wish. Anyways, this part of the podcast brought to you by the nra, editing that out, the national rangers association where are we getting all these sponsors?
Speaker 4:where's that money going?
Speaker 2:to get this audited. Uh, all right, she, uh, boy, boys, I, I uh, are you up for one last trip, one last run? Just hop on and she has. You guys climb across her back. That kind of frail older woman, the librarian that you've known the time dragon to be, falls away and, uh, instead you're confronted with this massive scaled beast that she. You scurry up her back and kind of find a a resting place as she launches herself into the air. Uh, both you give me, go ahead and give me, uh, athletics checks 10. All right, you kind of fall back and like, have to grab on to a little bit of a scale but I made it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, you're still on there. Chester just plants his feet and he's just like where'd?
Speaker 4:Ikram, go you all right back there, bud, I'm making it.
Speaker 3:It's probably all that hair got you all thrown off balance.
Speaker 2:You're not aerodynamic like Chester.
Speaker 4:I honestly probably could have just floated up there, I just forgot.
Speaker 2:All right, you guys are soaring over the city. This is providing you a vantage point you've never seen. Go ahead and give me perception checks.
Speaker 4:Wow, nine, no Just.
Speaker 3:Thirteen.
Speaker 2:Okay, ekram, you're still kind of taken aback by everything You're trying to sort through what all this could mean, what could be happening at the center of the city, through what all this could mean, what uh could be happening at the center of the city. Chester, you're seeing, even though you're seeing some of the, the destruction, the like chaos that's being unleashed by these cultists as they kind of ransack and rampage through the city. You are taken aback by how, now that you're seeing it from this high up, it's like you're seeing um, a series of arteries and veins, the, just the natural streets of the city, kind of showing that like this is almost like its own living entity. You can almost feel that pulse of the place, I turned to echo.
Speaker 3:now that I'm seeing it from this vantage point, it is almost as if that magic is like arteries and veins Wow.
Speaker 4:Did you not also notice that from taking a look around? I had no idea until you told me.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and give me a wisdom saving, throw there Ekram, oh shit.
Speaker 3:You're very intelligent, but not very wise, if I remember correctly. I'm not really either.
Speaker 4:but hey, for this one shit You're very intelligent, but not very wise, if I remember correctly. I'm not really either, but hey, for this one 17.
Speaker 2:Okay, you resist the urge to sing? I Can Show you the World.
Speaker 4:Oh, I would have chose to fail. That that's not fair.
Speaker 2:This part of the podcast brought to you by Disney Can. I say that I don't know what their lawyers are okay with. Yeah, editing that out. You guys sail over the city. It's going to take you three rounds to get to the city. Essentially, three random encounter checks. Chester, why don't you go ahead and give me the first one? Just roll a D6. Five. Fantastic. Both of you give me dexterity, saving throws dexterity saving throws good thing.
Speaker 4:I'm pretty good at those 15 fantastic eight.
Speaker 2:All right with the 15. Uh, you see the the time dragon. She violently like veers banks to left and a ballista bolt sails past her.
Speaker 4:Right into the throat of Ekrem. Oh my god.
Speaker 2:Ekrem, you kind of are caught off guard because you're still kind of stunned by the sight of the city. You begin to fall.
Speaker 3:Quick use power word bald, so you're Hair, hair so he falls faster. I had that, I had that prepped in my head and he said he fell not, was falling so I was like well, this doesn't make sense well, you tried.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I, I don't have any spells for, like, get back on dragon. I don't know what level spell that is, but I don't have it deep yell or anything, just like what yeah all
Speaker 2:right the dragon, she, she course corrects and she kind of banks for you. You do have a chance here to grab back on. I'm gonna let you guys both roll a like combined athletics, check or acro well, acrobatics or athletics to see if you guys get snagged. You can get snagged here.
Speaker 3:27 you I forgot what level we were like yeah, you, son of a bitch, you can roll anything now you know what, just roll a d4 I got pick a number.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I got 10. Okay, not a good. Good finale for ekram? I no, it's just. Ekrem is a Falling apart at the buzzer.
Speaker 2:You're falling to your death and you're like I have one chance to save myself. And you're like. I better average it. I better just do average on this one.
Speaker 4:I kind of care, I kind of don't. Yeah, I rolled a 10, 9, 8, 10, and a 17. Woo, 17.
Speaker 2:17, just to not sing a beloved childhood song.
Speaker 3:Yeah, which you would have failed. You would have relented. I imagine that Chester sees you're falling and then, with the bank, crouches down and uses the scales to make sure he stays attached. And then, when she banks, I do that sprint thing where I jump and I catch you in the air and I fly and hit the tail, grab on one of the spikes and swing back up and around. I got you bud, you alright.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I just realized I could have vortex warped to save myself.
Speaker 3:But I appreciate the effort, save that for the anime.
Speaker 2:I do like the idea of you just now vortex warping Like no. No, I want to be closer.
Speaker 3:I want to be closer to her. It's a second level spell.
Speaker 4:I can actually do it quite a bit just totally invalidating all the things that he did for you. But no, I really do appreciate, because I forgot I would have died and it would have been a really dumb death. It was a stressful time all right this time.
Speaker 2:Uh, you're a little bit closer to the tower now. Ekram, why don't you go ahead and give me a D6 roll?
Speaker 4:Survey says five. Another ballista bolt.
Speaker 2:Another ballista goes flying towards you guys. Go ahead and make dexterity saving throws.
Speaker 4:There we go 21. 23. I am locked in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, now that you guys are like hey, people can throw ballistas at us, Well, we should pay attention, yeah because I got that eight with a plus five. So it's real dicey today. All right. And then, chester, why don't you go ahead and make the third one?
Speaker 3:Third encounter Six.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, very cool. As you guys make your way in the air, you hear this shriek as if it's coming from too many mouths. Oh no, landing on the back of the time dragon with you guys, you see this kind of misshapen fleshy blob. Go ahead and roll initiative gotten 11 17 fantastic bud, 17, 11 and this guy is gonna have a 15. All right, uh, eckerman, why don't you go ahead and go first?
Speaker 4:let's see, I'm going to cast vortex warp on it okay, it needs to save on the constitution saving throw of 18 okay, fantastic bud, okay, it does save damn it well, that would have been cool if I could have just been like nope and just poofed him off it to fall to his death. Um, but yeah, that's one of them.
Speaker 2:We're on a failed save, nothing happens okay, fantastic, that thing looks at you and it's gonna go ahead and just charge at you One of its mouths, its main mouth, snapping at the air, and take a bite at you and then lash out at Chester with two tentacle attacks. Okay, that's going to be a 17. Did that hit?
Speaker 4:Akram, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, sorcerers don't gain a lot of AC as they level up.
Speaker 2:All right, and then I know one of those is going to hit so 25.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Okay, roll me a athletics check, both, or just Chester 21. 21? Okay, so one of those tentacles wraps around you but you just kind of like rip and tear it off of you. Yeah, akram, you're going to take 19 piercing damage from that bite and, chester, you're going to take 10 damage against the tentacles.
Speaker 1:Ow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it slapped you real good. Yeah, he didn't like it. No, I love the foley work we're doing here Making it feel lived in All right, Chester what?
Speaker 1:do you want to do. I thought it was Tyler's turn for a second.
Speaker 2:I was like well and making it feel lived in All right.
Speaker 3:Chester, what do you want to do? I forgot. I thought it was Tyler's turn for a second. I was like, well yeah, we switched bodies.
Speaker 2:What does Chester want to do? Vortex Warfare really does a freaky Friday in 2024.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm going to go ahead, and of course, there's no like improvised weapons around me, son of a bitch.
Speaker 2:I mean, you can yank a dragon scale off.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to do that, I'm just going to do a bunch of punches, Punch, punch, punch 26. Okay, that'll hit. Okay, Second attack 23. Definitely hit. Third attack 28. Fantastic Four 12, 16, and 13. 41 damage 41?
Speaker 2:Okay, fantastic, this thing's looking a little goofed up. Go ahead and roll me your d20s on those.
Speaker 3:And that's per attack or per Per attack. Eight six three.
Speaker 4:Okay, all right, back up to the top, oh actually, this thing does have some legendary actions Fucking legendary blob that's what we're getting hit with right now.
Speaker 3:It uses gossip.
Speaker 2:It's going to go ahead and it's going to just go ahead, and oh, it doesn't get to Wow.
Speaker 4:You disappointed in yourself?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did a little bit. It's like it can bite, but only a thing that's grappled and you're like so, nobody can't bite at you. If it doesn't hold you All right, it's going to go ahead and turn invisible.
Speaker 4:Hmm, all right, ekron, what would you like to do? What if I'm just like no, uh and I, and I counterspell it? Yeah, it's a spell like ability unfortunately you can't counterspell.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, now you guys, it's not like, uh, not like in previous editions, where invisibility meant like oh, you can't target it, it's just uh, it's done with disadvantage gotcha, I will try and fire, bolt it.
Speaker 4:Okay, you said with disadvantage. My first roll was a 21 and my second roll was a 19 okay, that'll hit pretty good on those all. Right, that will be pretty low.
Speaker 2:Nine damage, yeah, but it lets out a cry of pain Good, it's like ow.
Speaker 3:Ow, ow, ow.
Speaker 2:One of the mouths is Ray Romano, and it's just like ow.
Speaker 4:You sound like a goose, all right.
Speaker 2:It's going to pop out of invisibility, taking a bite at Chester, and then tentacle attacks at Ekram, so Chester 13. Hentacle attacks at Ekrem, so Chester 13. Hits real good, right, miss Double crit. Okay, no, all right, fine, 18, ekrem, I will. Silvery Barbs. Okay, all right 18, again Hits Silvery Barbs again.
Speaker 4:No, that's a bummer, but my buddy Chester gets some advantage.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, go ahead and make your DC 15 athletics check. Oh, natural 20, baby Doesn't even fucking matter.
Speaker 4:I just like flexed my calves or whatever to just grip onto this dragon, just took it.
Speaker 2:I need our audience at home to understand. When he said I just flexed my calves, he did his whole upper body, so I don't know if he knows where calves are. No, no, no.
Speaker 4:The calves. It's like a full body reaction to get the muscles to. You know you got to pivot it.
Speaker 1:I've never worked out Terrible form.
Speaker 2:All right, fantastic, okay. So, yeah, you escape the tentacles of this thing. Chester, what would you like to do?
Speaker 3:I'm going to go ahead and, believe it or not, punch him three times.
Speaker 4:All right, with advantage on the first punch.
Speaker 3:Yeah, when in doubt, punch it out. Okay, so the first attack 28. Okay, 23. Okay, 19.
Speaker 2:That'll hit. All three will hit.
Speaker 4:Believe it or not, goo monsters, not well armored, no, but they apparently can resist getting warped into oblivion. Yeah.
Speaker 1:How's that?
Speaker 4:feel.
Speaker 2:Shitty.
Speaker 4:Like a wasted third level spell slot 40?
Speaker 2:40 total. Okay, this thing is looking bloodied, to use the old timey words. All right.
Speaker 3:Hey Chester heads up. I think I got it below half. Health hey, chester heads up, I think I got it below half health.
Speaker 4:Hey, I know you've taken a lot of hits lately, but you're Chester, I know.
Speaker 2:Have you ever watched somebody get CTE?
Speaker 1:from their character's actions In real time.
Speaker 4:You're getting really into character Tyson's got a TBI.
Speaker 2:Chester got hit too hard.
Speaker 3:He's like nuh-uh, you said you're shut up, ekrem, and he just keeps acting like nothing happened.
Speaker 2:All right, that's going to go up to Ekrem.
Speaker 4:All righty man, I'm just going to firebolt again. Okay, does it have disadvantage or do I have disadvantage? What gave me disadvantage last time? It's invisible, it's not.
Speaker 3:Oh, it's not invisible anymore, right.
Speaker 4:Okay, cool 28 to hit Okay that'll hit and the damage is 14 fire.
Speaker 2:Okay, cool, cool. Alright, it's gonna do the same routine again. This time it's gonna try to grapple Ekrem.
Speaker 3:I'd like to try to get its attention Okay 23.
Speaker 2:You don't got to purr him out 16.
Speaker 3:You need to see a dentist. Great, I'm trying to go with the creature.
Speaker 2:Okay, and it's going to try to bite you. You look British 19.
Speaker 4:Got him.
Speaker 1:I bet you put beans on toast asshole.
Speaker 4:I'm just trying to see if it understand okay, it doesn't.
Speaker 2:Uh, it understands deep speech, it's just gonna be like if it understands common, it's gonna be like hey bud, fuck you uh can I roll dex to oppose the grapple? I'll let you run a roll in athletics, okay, so strength athletics, that is I'm sorry, acrobatics, I'm sorry acrobatics, I'll let you roll that Acrobatics.
Speaker 4:Okay, that is a 17?
Speaker 2:then Okay, fantastic. What about on the second one? Oh second one. That was first saving throw. What about second saving throw? Second saving throw. It did a 19 hit Chester.
Speaker 4:Oh, yes, 15, so not as good.
Speaker 2:Okay, you take points of piercing damage and then you take 20 points of bludgeoning damages. Two tentacles. Slap you there, ekram yeah, I don't like these videos, and that's all I say you hear it several of the mouths yes, several of the mouths make macaroni in the pot sounds. Go ahead and make wisdom saving throws yeah that's on me, that's see, if you take icky damage, I do there's a four I don't know if you need to hear it. You just hear one of them be like senpai kawaii you're bringing me back.
Speaker 2:I took icky damage, all right I, I think.
Speaker 3:I'm just going to edit this whole episode.
Speaker 2:And episode 20 never was heard.
Speaker 4:I think it just real life. Silvery barbed you.
Speaker 2:All right, Chester, it is your turn.
Speaker 3:Why won't you die? I want to try to pick it up and throw it Okay let me just real quick see. How big is it? I swear it's large.
Speaker 4:I swear that if I try and vortex warp this thing and it's like no, but you're just like I'm going to be a little upset, but that means I can.
Speaker 3:It's only one size up, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll let you try to do a grapple against it. 19. Roll off.
Speaker 3:Oh no, Natural one.
Speaker 2:So you go up to You're like oh, damn it. Yeah, you go up to grapple this thing you accidentally put your fist into the mouth with no teeth and it just gums you a little. I imagine, like in Princess Bride, when Dread Pirate Roberts tries to fight Andre the Giant, he's like yeah, uh, except if andre the giant had a bunch of mouths and tentacles and you pooped yourself a little bit, uh, when you tried to grapple it oh, that means you pooped on the dragon oh the time dragon's like nobody better be shitting back there.
Speaker 2:This happens every time, no matter how many worlds, no matter how many timelines I always get pooped on by chester, it's the universal constant. Okay, so you tried to grapple this thing. It's gonna gonna go ahead and take its one of its actions and just teleport away from you closer to the other side of Ekrem. Just give it a little bit of space, all right.
Speaker 4:Ekrem, what would you like to do? Can I use a free action to do perception, to see if my fire is weakening it more, or just normal Sure and that perception will Never mind. It's not even worth it. I'm done. Fuck this game. It's like stupid five each shit.
Speaker 2:I mean fire doesn't seem to not be not working.
Speaker 4:Yeah right, I just got firebolted again Because we're not even at the big baddie yet 18. That'll hit, all right, and oh, that was a really high roll 23. Okay.
Speaker 2:Nice, with that firebolt that. You were like I don't think this is doing anything, and then your firebolt hits it.
Speaker 4:It that you were like I don't think this is doing anything, and then your firebolt hits it. It dies.
Speaker 2:Good, I wonder if this will hurt it more. Dead. Well, chester, give me an athletics check to see if you can kick it off the dragon Now. Vortex warp.
Speaker 4:That seems like an efficient use of a spell slot.
Speaker 3:You're like? Resist this dickhead 27.
Speaker 2:Okay, you give it the shove, it falls to the ground, it lands on a ballista and the guy's like hey, did you see? The guy with the wife dropped a monster on us how can you?
Speaker 2:even I didn't have a wife with that, you guys kind of make it to the, the tower, uh, surrounded by this kind of shimmering shroud of magical energy, the time dragon lands. And you see in front of you, kind of in this area you see a twin staircase leading up to a platform. On that staircase is almost every step is a cultist, all of them funneling what it seems to be is their focus, their magical energy towards the central figure of the platform. You recognize the cult leader from your very first mission for the lore worm. He raises his dagger high. You guys are each going to have a round, or I should say an action, before that dagger comes plunging down. How far away is he? You're about 60 feet through several cultists.
Speaker 3:I think, I have Misty Step from being fey-touched.
Speaker 4:I have an idea.
Speaker 2:If it's Vortex Warp, I'm going to be like get fucked.
Speaker 1:Bet your ass it is.
Speaker 3:If it is yeah, you can do. If it is yeah, yeah, you can do that to me. Yeah, are you willing? I just look at you, I just turn and I hold out my hand. It's like send it, and then I just like we like lock Predator.
Speaker 4:Like predator arm lock, and then he's gone.
Speaker 2:Oh no, he was holding onto your hand too tight, it ripped your arm off, worth it yeah. All right, do you get sent Chester? You are now next to this guy the cult.
Speaker 4:I was imagining like in front, so like he's literally the knife, so he's getting or stab.
Speaker 2:Chester, Either way, it stops him. Yeah, the guy's like oh no, the stabbing is actually symbolic.
Speaker 4:Yeah, is actually symbolic. Pass or fail the knife doesn't hit the thing.
Speaker 3:I think Chester would want to be. That's exactly where he would want to be, because he's like well, even if I miss, he's going to stab me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but he's got the dagger raised up in front of him looking to stab down, and so you just teleport between his arms just embracing.
Speaker 3:you Give him a little smooch on the cheek.
Speaker 2:Just embracing you, give him a little smooch on the cheek.
Speaker 4:Just nose to nose like you're going to give him Eskimo kisses. Who knew a second level spell?
Speaker 3:was going to carry a lot of weight in the final episode. Yeah, no, I'd like to just work right in front of him and say his arms are up Just a three piece combo into his tummy, tum, tum.
Speaker 4:Okay, oh, don't grab the knife, Just pop pop pop.
Speaker 2:Hey, you know, you don't send a bare-knuckle boxer to disarm a man.
Speaker 3:All right, that's going to be a 26 to hit. Okay, 28 to hit.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, 32 to hit, okay, and then a 23 to hit, okay, okay.
Speaker 3:And then do I have oh, we didn't get anything back from that, we didn't short rest or anything before here, well, well, yeah, you guys have essentially a long rest since you, oh, we did, yeah, oh, dope gonna, then I'm gonna uncheck that and then I'm going to check it again in action search. Okay, with a two piece to the tummy, tum, tum and then one uppercut to the chin, playing that sweet chin music 25. That'll hit 24. And 18. Everything except the 18 will hit Everything but the uppercut.
Speaker 2:So that's going to be write this down 17 plus 14 plus 17 plus 10 plus 15 73 points of damage yeah, that feels good, all right, uh, you just rock this dude's core like he uh kind of takes a step back, the dagger clattering to the ground. Uh, several cultists all turn, uh almost in lockstep, half of them looking towards ekram, half of them looking towards you, chester I, I turned to the, I turned to the cult leader and go.
Speaker 3:I thought this party could use some punch.
Speaker 2:And then I looked like huh huh remember that one cultist that you guys saved.
Speaker 3:Oh no.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 4:He stabs you.
Speaker 3:Where you were like hey does anybody want to go home?
Speaker 2:And he's like, yeah, I kind of want to go home. He just is from the back. He's like, hey, that was a pretty good pun, buddy.
Speaker 3:I got you All for you. Murphy, can I still go home? Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:All.
Speaker 3:Can I still?
Speaker 2:go home. Oh yeah, All right.
Speaker 3:What are you doing here? I told you to go home. I'm a natural follower. I can't help it. Go meet me at the bar.
Speaker 2:So we're going to go ahead and start initiative on this. Go ahead and roll your guys' initiative.
Speaker 3:All right, buddy Pull me back Akron.
Speaker 4:what'd you get?
Speaker 2:19. 19. What'd you get? Chester 10, chester 10, I've seen better. Chester, I've seen better I've been worse yeah, it could be these cultists with a six. Yeah all right, oh, I guess that the time dragon, she's here too I guess that all-powerful ancient being oh yeah, I forget. She gets like a crazy bonus to initiative too. It's just like no, she goes when she wants.
Speaker 3:Um oh well, she has control at times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, uh, akram, go ahead, and what would you like to do?
Speaker 4:um, so I will. I'm trying to frame this up because I've never done this before and I'm trying to think how magically it manifests. But, like, my whole thing is summoning right, so I will use my bonus action to get my Hound of Illumina out and then, for my action, I'll put my hands together and I'll touch the ground and I'm trying to cast my Reaper Spirit at a higher level but it manifests and I actually summon a Draconic Spirit of a black dragon.
Speaker 4:Okay, so, like the Shadow Dragon from the Shadowfell, yes, and I actually summon a draconic spirit of a black dragon.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, like the shadow dragon from the Shadowfell yes, that you remember. All right, yeah, so just living smoke pours from you up from the ground. You see the somehow in this like inky blackness, you see two silvery twin flames of eyes looking out, and your hound is there too. So you've just got the most badass buddy cop movie. Yeah, just 80's heavy metal guitar like if Slayer did Turner and Hooch is what you've got yeah, you have those two there now.
Speaker 2:Do they go on after your turn, or how's the initiative work on that they share?
Speaker 4:my initiative um the hound I can summon, like further away, so I'll summon him next to the cult leader. Okay, and his command will be to destroy that cult leader so he'll go away when the cult leader guy is dead. Uh dragons uh will take actions that I choose up to two from its list. Okay, so does it. It it's not specific in the spell. Do I get it attacks this turn or does it start next?
Speaker 2:turn. I don't think they get summoning sickness. Well, you wouldn't have an action, so it wouldn't be. I don't think it would get to take an action okay because my action is summoning.
Speaker 4:Yeah, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I just summon everything and that's the end of my turn yeah, and like a sick, like the time dragon's like oh shit, I got something for this she like plays just sick guitar music and you're like that's how you use prestidigitation just thunder and lightning, yeah uh, she's gonna actually go and she is going to go ahead and she is going to go ahead and breathe on that group of cultists up the stairs. They're going to make ODC 24 Constitution saving throws. Oh, this is not good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, they don't make they don't make it.
Speaker 2:You just watch them wither and die as the ravages of time pour over them it's like the ada silica gel packet yeah, no, it's like the ending of uh, what is it? Last crusade yeah you just she's like they chose poorly and you're like is that a reference to something?
Speaker 3:that's a cool line.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was way cooler than my punch thing yeah, I thought this party, chester, could use some time death. God, you're so cool. All right, chester, what? Oh yeah, chester, what would you like to do?
Speaker 3:that cult is on the ground, right, yeah, cult leaders on the ground okay, what I want to do is, if he was standing up, I was going to try to just like suplex the shit out of them. Actually, what I'm going to do is I'm just going to grapple him.
Speaker 2:Okay, uh, yeah go ahead and uh roll your grapple check uh, which is strength, right, yep, uh 19 created he, you go to wrap him up and you're surprised because he just grabs both of those arms and just stands up to his full height and you're like I just punched a nerd and now the nerd's holding me back.
Speaker 3:Oh no, the nerd learned jujitsu yeah.
Speaker 2:You can do anything with your bonus action or anything like that that you want to do.
Speaker 3:I think, yeah, my misdirection is a bonus action. So I would like them to make a DC 21 strength check and they must spend their reaction to attack a creature of my choice. If no other creature is present with 515, they just waste the reaction.
Speaker 2:Okay, you burned his reaction. Nice, yeah, because all the other guys he's like. You want me to punch the?
Speaker 3:piles of dust, I think. It's kind of like he's obviously going to try to get away, but I'm just preventing his arm. So he's kind of like a weird arm movement where he's like stop it, all right.
Speaker 2:Okay, you don't get no dagger.
Speaker 3:Fantastic, all right, that's going get no dagger.
Speaker 2:Fantastic. All right, that's going to make it his turn. He releases your hands and you don't understand what we're doing here, and it's just this very halting like he's holding something back. As you look at him, you realize the skin on his face is bubbling and roiling, as if something underneath it is fighting to get out. I hate that. And with that you see the start of something bursting out of him. You are splashed with crimson gore and in front of you is no longer this kind of pudgy, goofy, nerdy-looking cultist that just wanted to be, just wanted to matter. This cult leader Instead is this tall, almost chalky, pale creature. Looks vaguely human, like a very handsome man, except you see where his hands at the top of each hand is actually two long tentacles that end with lamprey mouths I hate this and he just says you little thing, you think you can stop me from waking up my brother?
Speaker 3:yes, brothers not not important right now, yeah, but you're not here for this conversation.
Speaker 2:This is an a and b conversation. See yourself out we gotta kill this guy well, I, I do believe yes all right, he is going to go ahead and give you You're going to have to make a constitution saving, throw 26. Okay, remarkable. Okay, does a 26 hit? Does it yes?
Speaker 3:Okay, go ahead and make your athletics check 17. Okay, okay, ah 17.
Speaker 2:Okay, One of those tentacles bashes you for 24 damage and you feel it wrap tight around you, binding you.
Speaker 1:Just a straight aircraft.
Speaker 2:And then I hit you. That hit got him right in the head. Yeah, All of a sudden just pictures of a wife. He's pretty sure he didn't have flash before him. He's like wait a minute.
Speaker 3:You said how much damage was it? 24? We're getting rough.
Speaker 2:Alright, okay, and then. So it's got you grappled. You'll be able to save it your next turn. Cool, and he goes. Yes, it's so surprising that gods have families too. That's to you, you little shit down at the base of this pedestal. That was all judgy-judgy about family.
Speaker 3:Chester's like what? I couldn't hear you. Who are you talking to? Because there's no way he would have heard.
Speaker 2:Ekron. He is telepathic out to a distance of 500 feet.
Speaker 3:But like Chester's, like what are you talking about? No one said nothing about that.
Speaker 4:As I'm just being choked out.
Speaker 2:You're being a real silly billy.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it is it is your turn, okay, yeah, so I'll look back at him and I'll be like well, I guess I'll just have to end the bloodline as I cast my eighth level spell.
Speaker 3:Child of light and darkness question the hound was going after the cultist. Is it because that guy still considered the cultist for the purpose of the hound?
Speaker 2:yeah, okay, okay, cool um, that'd be really fun, like, hey, you know that cool thing you did, that was really fun.
Speaker 4:No, nope, so I rolled an 18. Okay, and according to this spell, you roll a d20 on a 1 through 10, you turn into one form, and on an 11 through 20, you turn into another form. The 11 through 20 is the pure darkness form. So all the remaining smoke and darkness that was remaining after summoning the dragon goes back into my body and explodes out as I become a shadow, being Okay, and then I will mount the dragon.
Speaker 2:I don't know why fucking a dragon's gonna help us no.
Speaker 4:I planned this he just looks and he's like ew gross, don't do that yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like Donkey from Shrek and he just looks and he's like ew, gross, don't do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like Donkey from. Shrek and in nine months. It's going to be a problem. You're going to have so many dragon worm wings up in here.
Speaker 4:I'm creating an army. So then, as I climb the dragon, how close is he?
Speaker 2:to me he's at the top of that pedestal, so it's about 60 feet.
Speaker 4:Okay, so it's about 60 feet. Okay, so it's about 60 feet. Okay, so I will work my way to him, but there's a bunch of cultists around, right no, they're all.
Speaker 2:They got wiped out by that time. Breath, oh yeah, yeah she. She did really good work.
Speaker 4:She's cool huh, okay, cool, let's just roll with this. So then I'll have the dragon use its flying speed to swoop in and use its three claw attacks on him.
Speaker 3:Okay, it's red claw, it's blue claw and it's white claw.
Speaker 2:This podcast, brought to you by Truly, the first swipe was a 15.
Speaker 4:Misses, the second swipe was an 18. Misses and the third swipe was a 17. Misses. The second swipe was an 18.
Speaker 1:Misses and the third swipe was a 17. Misses.
Speaker 4:That's wild. So anyway, I'll use my bonus action to use a dark tendril to pull him 30 feet closer. Okay, and then I will have my dragon do its fire breath at the ground as we ascend.
Speaker 3:Does it release me? It's totally got this Jester.
Speaker 2:Jester's like well, I'm on for this ride, Woo-hoo.
Speaker 3:Well, it's more important that he dies than I live, so All right, so does he get a save or anything?
Speaker 2:Is that tentacle or tendril the?
Speaker 4:tendril is a strength save.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:And would he have disadvantaged since he is currently grappled? That's a good question.
Speaker 2:I mean.
Speaker 3:Well, he's grappling, but yeah, 18.
Speaker 4:Oh that matches it Okay.
Speaker 2:If it meets, it baits Dragon Breath. What's the radius on that Dragon Breath 30-foot cone? Okay, are you trying to make it so it doesn't hit chester?
Speaker 3:I'm doing my best bud it's like we got a mission. It takes 27 and a half feet.
Speaker 4:Steps, foot, step back really this is ekram's version of fireball, yeah uh, all right go.
Speaker 2:What's the role for that? Is it a good?
Speaker 4:deck saving throw, saving throw, yeah all right, he's gonna burn a legendary resistance on that okay, so he'll still take half damage, which or well, I don't know with the legendary, but it was 13 total. I don't know what his resistances and stuff are, but okay, all right, fantastic.
Speaker 2:Uh, that's going to be the time. Dragon's turn, the loreworm's turn. She is going to go ahead, and it is going to go ahead, and it's going to go ahead and let's see if it gets its time breath back. It does not. It's just going to jump and take three rend attacks on this thing. All right, so it is going to. She gets one attack at this thing and hits it pretty good, so about 30 points of damage, and then that's going to go ahead and be chester, your turn I would like to pick up that.
Speaker 3:I would like and I could like to get out of this crap. I'd like to just walk over to the grant, casually, walk over and be released. No, I guess I have to get out the grapple, right, yeah, 22 nope dc.
Speaker 2:23 uh you. Okay. You moaned at him. He's like all right, I'm gonna lower it I don't want this.
Speaker 3:I guess I will. Can I take swings at him?
Speaker 2:I'm going to say you can take attacks at him. Okay, cool. You would have a disadvantage on him, but he would have disadvantage or advantage against people attacking him. So it's just a flat roll, non-nat 20. Okay, that will miss 27.
Speaker 3:That'll hit. And a Ooh baby, baby 28. Okay, that'll hit.
Speaker 2:For 28 damage. Okay, fantastic. Go ahead and also make me an intelligence saving.
Speaker 3:throw Great my strong suit, 11. There's a 12 on the die. That's good.
Speaker 2:As you land those punches, you feel your kind of will to fight drained from you.
Speaker 3:You feel uh kind of stunned. Oh, and I need to do my uh. Wild magic surges right for the two that hit. Yes, uh, 20 to 19.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, wow uh, roll two wild magic surges. Go ahead and roll your D100s 52 and 78.
Speaker 3:Okay, wow, 52. Your body becomes ungrappable as you're covered in a thin film of bacon grease.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, that's fine. A spectral shield hovers near you for the next minute, granting you a plus two bonus to AC and immunity to magic missile. Ooh, and then what was the other one?
Speaker 4:I immunity to magic missile. And then what was the other one? I was just gonna magic missile.
Speaker 2:I was gonna magic missile, chester, because I saw speed and you removed the hostage. Sorry, chester, you're Jeff Daniels in this situation.
Speaker 3:I think it was 73. You cast fear. Hell yeah, dude.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's not afraid of you. I was gonna be like I could do the math on that, but I was like there's no way, with his saves, that that wouldn't even matter. You'd have to get a one to beat your save, All right. So you are still stunned, but congrats. I mean you got to punch him.
Speaker 4:I really need you to get away from him bud.
Speaker 3:Just do it. Get the rat All right. Frick him up, my dude from him, bud. Just do it Get out of here, rat.
Speaker 2:Alright.
Speaker 3:Frick him up, my dude.
Speaker 2:Alright, how much health you got. Just do it. Are you about 60 feet away from it, Ekrem?
Speaker 4:I flew up 30, so I'm above them 30 feet. Okay, pythagoreus theorem.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to say you are Go ahead and give me a constitution saving, throw you and your dragon.
Speaker 4:Ooh, my saving throw was a 13. And the dragon's was a 21.
Speaker 2:Both of you feel this unnatural corruption, as if reality itself is pushing back against your existence. Corruption, as if reality itself is pushing back against your existence. Uh, your flesh begins to warp and waver in just terrifying ways what type? Of damage is this you're gonna take 22, both of you 22 necrotic damage dope guess who's fucking immune in their shadow form?
Speaker 4:bitch, get fucked doesn't even matter.
Speaker 2:How's your dragon doing?
Speaker 4:That's not me, oh man.
Speaker 2:Again, he flexed his whole body to get those calves going.
Speaker 4:The dragon has. You said it was 22? Mm-hmm, about two-thirds as good as like full, you know.
Speaker 2:All right, you also are going to need to make intelligence checks to cast spells going forward for the next minute.
Speaker 4:That's fun for everyone.
Speaker 2:Oh, and actually we'll be able to make a saving through each turn too.
Speaker 4:You said to us like Chester's casting spells.
Speaker 2:No, you and the dragon.
Speaker 4:Oh.
Speaker 2:Chester's got spells. I mean he did have misty step. He could have misty stepped out of this grapple.
Speaker 3:I don't know if I have misty step. I don't see it on my sheet. Amazing, there's so much stuff at high levels.
Speaker 2:Oh, buddy boy, oh bud Does a natural 20 with a plus 15 to hit Hit 35.
Speaker 3:Who are you talking to you, chester? You're talking about the dragon. No, I'm talking to you, but you know you're talking about Tyler's dragon, right? No, you're just asking me about Tyler's dragon.
Speaker 2:No, I'm pretty sure I'm asking Chester Chester Blackfield.
Speaker 3:All right, well, let me check my notes here. I lean in and I'm to name you Chester in his honor. It does indeed, but I get that plus two, so it still hits.
Speaker 2:He pulls you forward as he does, his jaw distends, opens and you see just rows of razor-sharp teeth as he chomps down on your head, does 55 points of damage. What's that do to you?
Speaker 3:I mean, it depends what you want it to do, because, like it could kill me, where's my? Oh, there it is. Yeah, it could put me at negative. How much was it 55? It could put me at negative 14.
Speaker 2:The last thing you hear is the chomping sound in your brain as everything starts to go black. You see a faint silvery light and you see in your mind as everything fades around you. You see the lore worm. She goes, chester, you have a choice here. I can reset this, I can undo all of this and we can try again.
Speaker 4:We haven't lost yet, have we?
Speaker 3:You're not here. Don't we have like a breaking case of emergency thing that takes us back?
Speaker 2:Yeah, she used that. Remember, when you guys failed to save the shadow dragon.
Speaker 3:Alright, just trying to remember all the items in the bag.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just trying to remember all the times you failed. You can do this again if you want. I thought we were going to have this one this time. I really did believe in it.
Speaker 3:I believe in you and I believe in Ekrem. I need you guys to stop this In Ekrem. I need you guys to stop this Just because.
Speaker 2:I won't be there doesn't mean that the world can't be left a better place. Oh, you dumb, simple man, don't you realize this world has always been a better place with you in it? Well, I think every world needs a little bit more chester in it. With that, you see yourself as she sees you, not the goofy mess up, screw up, that failed at almost everything that he tried and that, just for a brief shining moment, saved the world. You see this person that she's seen countless times through resets and reality. She's seen you succeed and fail. She's seen better versions of you and she's seen worse versions of you, but through them all, you're still this person that doesn't give up. You see a version of yourself that almost looks like a cyberpunk cowboy, like a robotic laser gatling gun arm. He looks sick as shit.
Speaker 4:If that one didn't fucking win.
Speaker 2:You see a version of you that is just you, but like blue oh.
Speaker 1:You see a version of you that's just a sad podcaster. She's like, yeah, that one didn't do anything.
Speaker 2:At least he wasn't a stand-up comedian, oh no uh, she goes, I think. I think what we do need is a little bit more chester, and you see her kind of plucking these various versions of you out of the timelines that either ended or haven't yet existed. Time rewinds ever so slightly Instead of biting down or on your fleshy bald head. If only you had just a little bit of hair, those teeth wouldn't be able to sink in.
Speaker 4:No remodel.
Speaker 3:He's like no, that's fair yeah add it to the list of regrets.
Speaker 2:Thanks, nature, yeah one of the chesters you see, luscious as fudge like he just is it's flowing locks god he uses head and shoulders for like the hair, not just for like oil control as you do this, you see two other versions of yourself kind of shimmering into existence next to you and you hear one of them I'm you, chester, and I'm you too, chester.
Speaker 3:And then you guys do that Spider-Man thing where you're all pointing at each other Howdy fellas, how far back did we go? Do I get that 54 back? Yeah, that attack never landed this is a real roller coaster. Chester has died and come back and died and not died quite a bit. Just get like health potions. Just thrown that into his wounds.
Speaker 2:It is yeah, yeah, no, it's hey akram, have you ever died, have you ever taken damage in this?
Speaker 3:show not as much I remember the first episode I get stabbed to death, yeah, while.
Speaker 2:Ekram was just messing around.
Speaker 1:Oh, good times.
Speaker 2:Save it for the highlight reels bud.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, ekram, you're watching. Time just rewind itself around Chester and all of a sudden you're like, oh goddammit, there's three of them now, chester, what are the? Two Chers that have been pulled into this reality, we couldn't afford one of them's drink budget.
Speaker 3:Uh, that's okay, I'm sober. What the fuck that one's better. My wife made me quit. Uh, so there is. There is better chester, who you see him in just like male armor, with like a like a great axe, a battle axe, a halbert, like he's just looks cool as hell just like a golf club bag full of weapons.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, so this was the chester. That was like wait a minute, I can hold stuff, old stuff.
Speaker 2:I don't have to use these hands that hurt so bad.
Speaker 3:And then the other Chester is I'm going to go with the cyberpunk cowboy one. He's just got like just futuristic Laz weapons, because for some reason the new PHB just comes stacked with Laz weapons.
Speaker 2:Also, I like that you say Laz weapons, as if we have like six Warhammer fans, they're going to be like yeah, oh, yeah, sorry, he's the emperor of man.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he's just like in a cowboy hat with like a cool cyberpunk leather jacket and just like a laser rifle, a repeating laser, like a pistol revolver, like all this, like what the fuck?
Speaker 2:All right, go ahead and roll initiative for your two Chesters.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay. Well, the laser one is definitely very good. 22 for the cowboy, one Nat 20 plus 10, so 30 for the cowboy cyberpunk cowboy.
Speaker 4:Does he say anything cool?
Speaker 3:No, he just has a look, you know he's like, oh he's so cool, nice.
Speaker 4:I was really hoping for a yeet your last haul, or something.
Speaker 3:Ah, yeah, he says, you yeed your last haul. There it is.
Speaker 4:That's what I was looking for.
Speaker 3:And then the wind brustles through his big, burly Sam Elliott style mustache.
Speaker 2:It's also a cyberpunk version, so it's also got to be vaguely that dumb cyberpunk like future speak. You gronked your last grink. You don't's up my chum. Yeah, all right. Uh, that brings us up to the top. That is going to be laser chester late laser chester. We're going to call him lester for laser chester. It's faster that way and also makes him sound less cool, so I'm not intimidated uh, we're gonna go ahead and hit.
Speaker 2:He's gonna whip out his antimatter rifle jesus christ, I love how I gave you like hey, have fun with these new versions of yourself. And you're like all right I won't abuse this power.
Speaker 4:I'm up on the dragon like fuck magic all of a sudden ekram's Hang on, I might take that off my character.
Speaker 3:Does the city have a second?
Speaker 2:amendment no, you can use the anti-matter rifle.
Speaker 3:It's 68 plus 5 for damage. Oh, fuck you man.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I don't think I'm going to do that. That feels like I didn't read.
Speaker 4:There should be a rule that lets anybody have one of these. I take proficiencies, so I'll just hit him.
Speaker 3:Proficient.
Speaker 2:So I'll just hit him. Proficient in it, that's good.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I hit him with a laser rifle, not the antimatter rifle. 17 misses.
Speaker 4:You should start with the antimatter rifle. You shot 17 times and missed every single time 23.
Speaker 2:Okay 23, I do believe, hits All right, and then a 25. Okay, that'll hit Real quick.
Speaker 3:What are the sounds of the hits and the misses. Ow, and so which one? Was the hit the the one where you yelled out okay, oh, okay, good to know mysteriously.
Speaker 4:That's what dirt sounds like when you hit it.
Speaker 2:Oh, 17 plus 23 40 total okay, fantastic uh he's gonna go ahead and take a legendary action here. His mouth opens up wide and he vomits out a brain gross that quickly grows four legs and little flappy tentacles. He's vomited out an intellect devourer. I'm fine, are you All right?
Speaker 3:And then we're going to go ahead and that's going to make other Chesters besters better Chester's turn, oh yeah, he's looking like all cool with like his big glaive and armor, like Xin Zhao in League of Legends, Just proficient as hell. Sorry, I'm juggling Chesters here. Sorry, bear with me. Welcome to our next podcast. Juggling Chesters. He's going to go ahead and run up with a battle axe. Okay, and two-handed 26. Okay, 22. Okay, Ooh, baby, almost a crit 32. Okay, that is three hits for 13 plus 9 plus 13, okay fantastic, he's looking pretty messed up.
Speaker 2:You've cut off one of those tentacle arms oh wait I did critical on one of them.
Speaker 3:Oh, look at you. So then add another eight points of damage.
Speaker 2:Okay, all of my chesters make intelligence saving throws. And he just mocks you In every reality. You are the stupidest creature I've ever met.
Speaker 3:If I'm so dumb, why would I get a 13, a 17, and a 6? Good.
Speaker 2:All right, you just feel wave after wave of psychic energy making you nauseous. You almost vomit as all three Chesters are stunned. Robot Chester goes, ow, error, better Chester goes. Oh man, I got the highest roll, not like that dummy next to me that got a six. Because they can see their stats, because that's how good they are, they know they're in a game they're in the they broke the fourth wall. All right, ekram, what would you like to do?
Speaker 4:well, it definitely doesn't stun me for a second that, like my buddy, just multiplied somehow. It's like I guess this is just what's happening. Um is, is base chester still grappled or when he went down he's ungrappled? He is ungrappled. I will use my bonus action and I'll fly down a little bit and pull him to me on the dragon. Okay, so we're both riding the dragon and I'll use my action to heal him 15 points with my healing touch. Okay.
Speaker 3:As you come near him, he's like hey, buddy, get me the fuck out of here yeah their two Chers are like hey, but what about us?
Speaker 2:We're also pretty cool, right Expendable.
Speaker 4:You got this, guys, and then my dragon will do its three rend attacks for a 19, which you said misses, a 21. That'll hit, okay, cool. And then a 23. Okay that'll hit. All righty, there's the three rend attacks. Let's do that, or two of them, because only two of them hit. So that'll be 12 damage on the first one and 10 damage on the second one.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 4:And then I will do the breath attack. So 18 dexterity. Get a little bit of this hot breath. It passes that one it passes so half, or whatever its resistance is, our total damage would have been 10.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, it's looking good and messed up. It's going to go ahead and vomit out another Intellect Devourer. So another brain falls to the ground, and so you've got two little brain boys just wiggling at you.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, Did the other Intellect Devourer get a dex save? Do we have homework? Do we have homework?
Speaker 3:Do we have homework? Teacher? I'm trying to kill you. Yeah, it got to nat 20.
Speaker 2:It is the most dexterous brain you've ever, fucking seen it still takes the half damage. Fuck you All. Right, okay, fine, whatever, I don't even care anymore. God, this is not fun. I mean it's fun, but it's not fun because it's just like oh no, when you're flying, it's like.
Speaker 4:It's called planning. Right, You're a tactical genius.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, did you cast a spell with any of that? No, okay.
Speaker 4:Fucker. They were all class abilities, all right.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and make a constitution. Saving throw. Who? Oh not you, Chester? Make a saving throw? What? What immune to necrotic mother? Yeah, 16 hey, bud take 22 necrotic. Oh my god just embrace darkness.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'm glad I didn't get the light form because it's like bonus damage from necrotic, but you're immune to radiant. I'm like I guarantee you don't use that chester.
Speaker 2:What would you like to do?
Speaker 3:oh, we're top of the order with a hat count cyberpunk chester, right no it's you just regular chest, oh, regular chester regular chester still has to go.
Speaker 2:I know you want to play cyberpunk chester real bad I do so bad, he's going to use one of his.
Speaker 3:He's going to use his second wind ability. It's called planning. That's the wrong character. All right, second wind, oh max. So uh, 25 health back, and all right, that's my bonus action it's time to do matthew mcconaughey.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was gonna say I jump off.
Speaker 3:Uh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna jump off and elbow drop him okay, go ahead and make that attack roll I mean, we are only 20 feet up, so it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but the time dragon teleports him 100 feet up, it's like this this will look sicker and shit. Yeah, oh baby.
Speaker 3:Time slows down. I got a 17 plus 14, 31. Okay, that hits oh man. So he stands up and he goes uh, thanks for the lift. And then he rips his shirt open wwe style, and then from the top ropes he'd like just a cool back flip into the oh man real quick. Uh, you just removed your armor no, no, no, that was my undershirt. You it's.
Speaker 2:It's the implied she's got like armor he just takes this shirt off underneath yeah, he's like oh, he's chafing my nipples now.
Speaker 4:This is way less sexy than the girl removing her underwear. She's like.
Speaker 2:Did anybody know he was wearing a shirt under there? All right, damage me on that, uh, so it's about 20 feet up. You said, okay, you're going to roll an extra D10.
Speaker 4:I can only pull 20 feet towards me.
Speaker 3:And then rolling an extra D10. Okay, that's pretty good. 19 damage from the initial.
Speaker 2:Okay, then you clobber into him. I'm going to say, just for sticks and giggles, go ahead and give me a contested athletics check or contested strength check to see if it knocks him down. You might have a chance here 23. Yeah, you knock him prone, so your next two attacks are going to have advantage hell yeah, so does that count as one attack?
Speaker 3:and then, yeah, I want to do some like goofy some.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna do some goofy stuff yeah, as I leveled up, I've realized that almost all of my skills have like a radius of 30 feet and it's like that's hard to do when your ally is in their face yeah, a lot of AoE Like oh this would be so useful if you weren't standing right there, bud, but it would be fun to just take this moment from him and be like Vortex Warp out.
Speaker 3:Ooh baby, all right. So I got a 24 on the first attack and then I crit it on the second.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:So for the second crit attack, that's going to be 23 damage plus my normal damage on the first one, uh, which is 16, so 39. Okay, I think that's about all I can do. Okay, uh, hang on, uh, and I'd like to use my blind side. That feels very appropriate, okay, that just kind of adds an extra 5d6 points of damage, so I'll like to add that to the initial the drop, because that feels like the most appropriate place. Okay, uh, add another 14 damage okay, fantastic.
Speaker 2:This thing is looking pretty messed up. Uh, chester, go ahead and give me a uh strength saving, throw your grapple, check 30, okay, but does a 20 hit. It would match with that shield, okay, so so, yeah, it would.
Speaker 3:So you get slapped. Okay, do I got to roll the Feywild stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, Roll me three magic surges.
Speaker 3:Okay, that is a 10, a 13, and a 7. Okay.
Speaker 2:All right. So nothing happens on that one. So you get a tentacle attack for 24 damage.
Speaker 3:Oh God, it's so, not, so, not good.
Speaker 2:All right, the Time Dragon. She's just preparing. You know what this will be fun.
Speaker 1:She goes, we have.
Speaker 2:Chesters, but you two are so formidable a team it would be unfair not to have Ekrums here. She pulls one Ekrum out of the timeline so you can go ahead and roll a initiative. Roll for a copy of yourself what ekram oh, is that up?
Speaker 4:is that up for me to decide? Yeah, I'll let you pick which one you bring forth. I will bring forth a uh, a ranger ekram. That's uh, oh, he gets a huge bonus to initiative. That's 22 on the initiative. Okay, ooh, baby.
Speaker 2:All right. I mean that's not as good as Laser Chester, but you know that's fine. Then our little beefy boy, our little cult god, he's going to take a look, like a baleful look, at one of the Chesters, the Cyborg Chester.
Speaker 3:Go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw, it has disadvantage on this, since it is stunned Well seven.
Speaker 2:Okay, then roll me a d4.
Speaker 3:Well, if I don't ever tell you we don't have to, Whatever happens won't happen. I got a four.
Speaker 2:This blast of psychic energy hammers into your cyborg chester. You see for a second, like a little bit of the light going out of his eyes. Uh, as he takes four points of damage to his intelligence score that's bad that puts him at.
Speaker 3:Uh, that puts him at said four points. He has a five intelligence, I don't think he can function.
Speaker 2:No three. No we Cyborg Chester, kind of a Forrest Gump. Wow, all right, hot beans on toast. Go ahead and have him make his uh, wisdom saving throw to see if he breaks out of this. Come on good, roll plus zero nine he's still stunned. Robo chester or, I'm sorry, better chester go ahead and make your your same throw okay, three okay, also, both of those are going to take tentacle attacks. That's going to hit and that's 19?
Speaker 3:19 will hit both.
Speaker 2:Okay, both of those take two tentacle attacks, so that's going to be 24 points of piercing damage Each Yep or, I'm sorry, slashing damage.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Ranger Akram Rekram, damn near, killed him.
Speaker 4:Nice, acram recrum damn near killed him, nice, um, so he will step through and he is, uh, well, he's a ranger. So obviously the first thing that happens is hunters mark right, um, but he doesn't use a bow. He dual wields, uh short swords, so he's going to run up and just make some slashes okay, oh, you don't come.
Speaker 3:You don't complain when that guy gets too close into melee because he he's going to run up and just make some slashes. Oh, you don't complain when that guy gets too close into melee.
Speaker 2:Because he's not going to yell at himself. He does it with style.
Speaker 4:And then I'm just going to roll the four attacks because of the offhand attack. The first one was a 21,. Second one was an 18,. Third one was a 22, and fourth one was a 22 as well. Okay, so you have three hits. Three, a 22 and fourth one was a 22 as well. Okay, so you have three hits, three of those hit, and so that will be a total of only 18 damage was a pretty, pretty low roll.
Speaker 2:So is that also with your hunter's mark as well? So with the hunter's mark? Okay, all right, ekram regular flavor, ekram your turn.
Speaker 4:Okay, I will uh. To cut down on as much collateral damage as possible, I'll use a fourth level spell, my last one to psychic. Lance the uh the cultist.
Speaker 2:Dc18, intelligence save okay, ah, that's gonna be interesting and it does have a brain.
Speaker 3:He finally gets to use his psychic abilities.
Speaker 2:Yeah, does he though? Uh, because that's a 30 to save oof.
Speaker 4:Well, that's a lot well, he's still gonna take half and half.
Speaker 2:Damage would be 60 okay, fantastic, this is gonna be his turn. He is going to take two tentacle attacks on yep, hit gonna hit. Okay, both your chesters take 24 each and then, oh, they're grappled. Okay, yeah, that crits boy. You watch one of your chesters, just get his old noggin. Which one do you want? Cyber chester or?
Speaker 3:cyber chester yeahester.
Speaker 2:He bites down, crunching through that metal exoskeleton, devouring his brain. He, just his last words are beep boop.
Speaker 3:At least I was cool. He's as he's being eaten. He just puts the Terminator thumbs up through the lava as he goes into the guy's mouth and he's just like you think at first.
Speaker 2:it's like him being like it's okay, Chester mouth, yeah, and he's just like you think at first it's like him being like it's okay chester.
Speaker 3:But then you realize it's just a spasm. All right, all right.
Speaker 2:Well, so he's uh gone yeah all right, and then gonna turn to you. Chester, go ahead and give me an intelligence saving throw regular chester yep okay, it's hard to keep track.
Speaker 3:I don't know if I'll be able to pass it, even with a 20.
Speaker 2:What is a 9?. You feel a bunch of psychic energy slam into you. You're going to take 30 points of damage.
Speaker 3:I am going to die.
Speaker 4:Shouldn't have left the dragon dickhead.
Speaker 2:Don't you have Indomitable, pretty sure you have an ability that lets you redo a saving throw.
Speaker 3:I do have Indomitable. Pretty sure you have an ability that lets you redo a saving throw. I do have Indomitable. Oh my God, You're not going to believe this 20. So 19.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to say with a nat 20, you resist that stunning effect of it, you still take half that damage. So it's your turn, chester.
Speaker 3:All right. What I want to do is so Cyber Chester got picked up and brain crunched. I want regular Chester to see the antimatter rifle laying on the ground and be like look up at Ekron and be like, don't worry, I got this. And I want him to pick up the laser rifle by the barrel and then just smash it on top of the uh, so you're using it as an improvised weapon yes, and I'm using my scoff law, so I'm doing the full damage on it, okay, by just exploderating the weapon.
Speaker 3:An extra 2d6, yeah, okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and smash that on him, okay, 28. Okay.
Speaker 2:Definitely a hit 26. Okay 30. All right, and go ahead and roll your three magic surges too, before we get into damage.
Speaker 3:Okay, four, nine, 17.
Speaker 2:That's 17. You got one surge.
Speaker 3:Roll a D100.
Speaker 2:78. Ooh, all right, give me All three of these. Hits land. You deal this damage and then, as you do this, go ahead and give me a what is polymorph saving throw.
Speaker 4:Oh no, I wonder what's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Make a wisdom saving. Throw no, I'm so. Does a four do it? So you pick up this piece of super advanced technology. It's just like I've got this acrum. You swing it into this creature. What was your damage for all that? Oh, yeah, I haven't rolled damage. Roll the damage, yeah, because it it explodes, because we have a series of events here that need to, I think, be narrated. Okay.
Speaker 4:So how's it work on the stack?
Speaker 2:yeah, so the first one is 12 plus 12 plus 12 okay all right plus 2d6 if that also is a 12, I'm gonna be like fuck you I was gonna.
Speaker 3:It's a 7 okay I was gonna say 12 because it was gonna be funny, but no, it's a 7, so that's 41 points of damage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, 41 points of damage. How do you want to finish this guy?
Speaker 3:I want the uh last. I want that antimatter rifle to like rupture whatever tank of the antimatter is and have it like do that when you you know you detonate something underwater, it goes out and it contracts back in.
Speaker 2:I'd like to have just like a dark, black, purple, writhing like antimatter so okay, so you hit this thing, uh, cracking whatever's powering this rifle, this alien technology, this unearthly technology, this little core, almost like expands and then immediately collapses into a black hole in this creature, sucking it in, it just spaghettifies, pulling itself into the mass of this. Uh, without you just hear a sound like a wordless, screeching sound, as like all of reality kind of gets sucked into this little hole and then just like fills up and goes and it's just like he was never there, and then you, with that last swing, become a sheep. So you just do all this series events for Ekram You're just watching three swings this thing get winked out of existence as it gets like stretched apart into Laffy, taffy, into infinity, and then Ekrem's or, I'm sorry, chester's just there as a sheep. Not so easy, is it? Huh, you have one person's name to remember.
Speaker 4:Does the sheep have wool?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Does it?
Speaker 1:I don't know yes. I'm bald.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the sheep has it just only on the top of his head. Yeah, there's a big mustache.
Speaker 3:There's a bald spot, so, and you're just like what the fuck, I mean, we won shit this is exhausting.
Speaker 4:I'm gonna get him some alfalfa ranger ekram's, like I didn't really do shit did I.
Speaker 2:This wasn't this easy when I did it.
Speaker 4:I don't even think they needed me.
Speaker 2:All right, you guys have successfully kind of banished this cult leader. As you look out at the city, uh, you see it burning in the night. Um, there's still these roving groups of cultists. But you see, uh, kind of the town or the city's constable, constabulary, the town's police force guards are all kind of like wrangling them up. You can hear kind of the chaos is subsiding next to you. The time dragon just has this baffled look and she's like I did not see that coming.
Speaker 4:You're still a sheep she's just like I guess you can say we didn't do that bad.
Speaker 3:No, roll credit and that's season one everybody.
Speaker 2:Chester does like a freeze frame. Jump in the air. She kicks you. It's enough damage to knock you out of polymorph.
Speaker 3:What happened? I finally felt peace.
Speaker 2:As you guys stand there looking out at the city, she's like Well, let's hope we don't have to do that again. Right, or did you guys still want me to reset this? We do it all over again, kind of fun, no, no, no, it was pretty fun.
Speaker 4:No, hang on you.
Speaker 3:I died so many times.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I did fine my body hurt.
Speaker 3:My body's just like Wrung with scars and wounds.
Speaker 4:It's like this is a bad time? Is this like in the spongebob movie, where they're like we saved the city, patrick?
Speaker 2:and it's all on fire, uh as you guys are kind of doing, kind of like taking stock of everything, uh, a small dwarven woman kind of comes up to you and, just well, you boys did good this time around. Hey, I'm proud of you. Thanks for not waking me up. Thanks for dropping me off. Yeah, it's Pewter.
Speaker 3:Oh Well.
Speaker 2:I reckon I'll be seeing you boys around.
Speaker 3:Have a good one, bye, bye.
Speaker 4:What the shit. After all, that it was a thanks. See you later.
Speaker 3:I think every day going forth is the thanks we get for what we've done.
Speaker 2:In front of you where she leaves you. Notice the box, the one that you opened, that started this whole thing.
Speaker 4:Do not fucking touch it, don't touch it, don't even look at it.
Speaker 3:Chester's like oh, look a bird All right.
Speaker 2:How do you guys want to end this? You have a choice to open the box, you could also just not, and you could go to the bar. Maybe that cultist that you kicked out is there waiting for you.
Speaker 4:Our one ally that we made.
Speaker 3:Do we know what the consequences of that box is?
Speaker 2:It's just the one that you opened at the start of all this.
Speaker 3:I mean, we should probably see what's inside.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean, obviously we should check it out.
Speaker 4:Let's take it back to the bar, where this all started and open her up.
Speaker 2:Oh God is that guy's body still there.
Speaker 3:That's up to you, dog, how much time has passed.
Speaker 4:It's only been like three days Since the campaign started. Yeah, no way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's still there. Yeah, Was it the bar owner?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, cool Eyes burned out, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:We go back with the box and Chester tidies some things up, and by that he means get rid of the bodies that are in there and like kind of you guys murdered some cultists in there yeah, I just realized.
Speaker 2:I just summoned my hellhound and he just chilled that whole fight he didn't do I wasn't gonna say it if you weren't gonna I completely forgot.
Speaker 3:I'd like to have chester, kind of like, become the de facto uh barkeep okay he just kind of like of starts taking care of it. As time goes on, people just kind of assume he's the owner, because he's working it and keeping it tidy. He's buying the bar sling and drinks.
Speaker 2:Do you guys ever open the box? You don't have to.
Speaker 3:Can we just have that box on the? I would open it for sure, you would open it for sure.
Speaker 2:Chester, you're the bartender. You change the name to Number Ones. Yeah, Number. Ones no we don't.
Speaker 4:No, we don't. Is it me or is it piss? I don't know who knows.
Speaker 3:No I change it to the Sheep's Mustache.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, that's fun.
Speaker 4:That joke, that only you get.
Speaker 2:Everyone's like. Why Is?
Speaker 3:this named for something you're like shut up, jester is like just, he's like you don't get it, you don't. You. Don't you remember that one time that?
Speaker 2:do you think everyone can see your mind movies?
Speaker 3:no, I think it happens. He is the sign finally commissioned and done. He hangs it up and someone's like why? And he's like well about that one time that we saved the planet but I got turned into a sheep and they're like no one else knows about that. He's like oh fuck, I gotta get a new sign everyone's just like oh god, he got punched a lot. No, he I changed the bar name to ctes yeah cte fridays.
Speaker 2:All right, ekram, what do you do?
Speaker 4:um ekram would probably be. Now that he is like this supreme shadow, like summoner, he would probably try and like pseudo.
Speaker 2:Take over is like the local, like I don't want to say law enforcement, because that's not the right word, but essentially somebody who works in the shadows to make sure that the remaining cultists are gone okay, like a batman yeah, yeah all right, uh, and then, uh, after things have settled down, um, one day you, you guys, get the urge to open the box, or at least ekram does, because it's just that like, just that feeling yeah, I'd like to imagine that.
Speaker 3:Uh, chester put it up on like the bat, like behind the bar like there's the uh there's there's like the fractured antimatter there's pieces of the rifle, there's the blood axe yeah under that
Speaker 2:and then there's the box, and when anybody asks, you're like, don't open the box, yeah, you uh open it. Inside it are two rings. One is uh almost made out of uh, the closer you look at it you think at first it's just a simple onyx ring. But you look at it it almost seems to be made out of living moving inky shadow. You can see kind of these swirling figures in it. And then the other one seems to be this band of almost bright light. You feel like as you look at it you see the sky and if you stared at it long enough you could almost swear you see a goose.
Speaker 4:Well, that one's mine. Can I get the glowy one? I thought that you'd want the shadow one. No, no, we will take the ring that seems appropriate for the two of us.
Speaker 2:You guys take the two rings. You're both teleported to the Feywild or the Shadow Realm respectively.
Speaker 4:Is this like a Sauron thing?
Speaker 2:No, you guys are just, and when you're there, you have a whole other series of wild adventures.
Speaker 3:Oh shit.
Speaker 4:Oh, on our own, like separately. Oh no, my bar, I just became a business owner all right, guys.
Speaker 2:Uh, that's the end of our first campaign. Uh, I've been your dungeon master, kavin eggleston. Uh, tyson, go ahead and plug yourself hi, I'm tyson cox.
Speaker 3:I played chester blackfield uh wow, thanks for listening everybody. You can find me at Tyson Cox Comedy on all the things I'm on Instagram at Tyson Cox.
Speaker 4:Comedy. Wow, and my name is Tyler Waltz. I've been playing Ekrem the Shadow Sorcerer. Yeah, just same thing as Tyson. Thank you all so much. You can find everything that I do at Nerd News or Nerd News Network.
Speaker 2:Alright, and I'm Kevin Egglestleston. You can find me at cabin egglestoncom or at cabin underscore egg or just cabin egg on the blue skies now. Yeah, uh, thank you guys for listening. Um, share this with a friend, or go to an iphone store and take all their phones and make it play this yeah, steal phones make them play this. Don't do that one and stay tuned for season two. Oh yeah, season two coming soon.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think we're gonna do like a little uh, like a little short post pod that we're gonna put out and kind of set up what's going on.
Speaker 4:It's like a one episode recap, thank you. Our thoughts on the season and then kind of a session zero into the next cool all right, see you guys then