Previously on Monster Monster, our heroes discovered the many ways that Ugrinch has been making sure that they do not lose this vote. If the vote goes through, they will secede and join Sol Deus in the warfront, building tensions amongst the city.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, welcome to Monster Monster, a live play D&D podcast where comedians play your favorite characters. We play some D&D. I'm Tyson Cox. I'm playing Vance.
Speaker 1:Ironside. It really felt like that was a comma.
Speaker 2:And you were going to keep going.
Speaker 1:Nope, my name is Tyler Waltz and I will be the DM, and joining us for the first time, directly in front of me, is Brian Petrie.
Speaker 2:Hello.
Speaker 1:And Brian, welcome to the show. Who are you playing?
Speaker 3:My name is Dolomir cedrin.
Speaker 1:I am a wood elf, rogue slash monk, monk ish it's gonna get wrapped up into the story since, uh, you were a bit of a I don't want to say last minute.
Speaker 1:We've always wanted to have you on the show but circumstances you're getting put in earlier than we anticipated. Yeah say, affirmative action doesn't work. We left off with vance and froland agreeing to handle the guards that seem to be wrangling up a lot of the residents who are voting to stay neutral in this war. Vance, we come back to you as you are walking down this alleyway with froland about to execute your plan of him being a general, bringing you in as essentially a prisoner to kind of work your way through and a guard quickly approaches and he goes. What are you doing here?
Speaker 2:Well as you can tell and I turn to Frolin.
Speaker 1:And Frolin's just gone.
Speaker 2:Ah, the fuck, Just coming to check things out.
Speaker 1:Oh, so you're the general. Yes, and I quickly take the handcuffs off my body, Roll me a deception check hey, 16. And he got a 14, so you're good to go. Yeah and he goes. Seems like you forgot about your late night with the missus.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know how we get down at the general's headquarters.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Freaky style Also. I don't think I've ever seen you don't look like one of the generals that I know who are you.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. I don't look like a general that you already know, because then you would be expecting this inspection.
Speaker 1:Well, by golly that's a good ass argument what a convenient way to wrap up and get this story going. Yep, um, and he starts to lead up and get this story going, and he starts to lead you and you're basically just seeing more of what Zhang was describing, where they're clearly separating these people by people that can vote, people that can't vote because they're traveling or for whatever reason.
Speaker 2:The whole time I'm just like barking orders, like button that buckle and clean that shield.
Speaker 1:Hamming it up, Just hamming it up. He's like it's also interesting that you're not wearing any Soldeus armor or gear. You just look.
Speaker 2:It's dangerous out there for such a high-ranking general as myself.
Speaker 1:Been on the north side of town. I see yes that is true.
Speaker 2:Fancy's like what is happening. Where did Frolin go?
Speaker 1:Your dialogue sounds like it was written by AI. It was like pretend to be a general Buckle that shit. Buckle that shoe, Clean that shield.
Speaker 1:And essentially you can see that they not their excuse to you was that they were separating people that were passing through with people that lived in this town so that they could get them going it to the correct places. But as part of the, the questioning that you're kind of hearing when you're walking by and you're you're hearing, like the interrogations, you know you're noticing very leading questions like how do you feel that Sildeus has been in town? And then, depending on how people are answering, the people that live here are also getting separated into a couple of groups.
Speaker 2:Okay, Are they reading from a paper? Mm-hmm, okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they are reading from a clipboard with set questions.
Speaker 2:I'm going to walk up and confidently take the clipboard out of one of their hands. I'm like what?
Speaker 1:What is this? You didn't get the new orders. He turns and he goes. What do you mean? New orders?
Speaker 2:I throw the clipboard on the ground. I'm like goddammit, what do you mean? What do you mean?
Speaker 1:So just to save the listener's time, we're not going to do the 30-minute. Like what do you mean?
Speaker 2:What do you mean, yeah?
Speaker 1:what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Um, and then he goes sir, you're going to have to explain it to me.
Speaker 2:I can't just pretend to know orders, I don't know. God get out of my face and I just point and I'm like just very get you look over and you're pointing at a wall.
Speaker 1:Damn it, you heard me, you're in time out. The other guy that was leading you through was like this general is on one right now. He goes bill, come here, and then he ushers him off just a handcuffs.
Speaker 2:I'm just like remember flared bases are important.
Speaker 1:This is the horny general. This is crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I just start just asking questions that are like how do you feel about the?
Speaker 1:two for 20 at Denny's. I've never heard somebody have sleep apnea awake.
Speaker 2:It's a dwarven tradition. Yeah, all right, god, you and I just start pointing at the people coming. Who's like Is there a really opie, oh boy, a real nervous-looking guard anywhere?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, For sure you come here. He just gets pale, he just doesn't say anything. I need you to do me.
Speaker 2:New orders for you.
Speaker 3:All these people.
Speaker 2:And I point to the section of people that are quarantined. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Bring them to me. Okay, I mean they're like six feet away, but that's fine Did.
Speaker 2:I say give me a stupid response. I said bring them to me.
Speaker 1:All right, he opens the door and they all walk a little bit closer Come here, follow me, come on. Okay, and then, yeah, you lead them. Do you even know how to get?
Speaker 2:out. No, okay, I pick a direction and confidently go.
Speaker 1:You know what, give me an over under High or low Give me a low. Ooh, you're a lucky dog. Hey, You're able to make it back out and you're getting a lot of very strange looks from the other higher ups.
Speaker 2:It's a sex thing.
Speaker 1:Don't worry about it. The entire crowd just splits. One guy goes and then everybody just scatters and all the guards scatter with them, just splits, one guy goes no, and then everybody just scatters and all the guards scatter with them to try and wrangle them up. Yeah, that's what I like. Yeah, way to what.
Speaker 2:The handcuffs really flavored this character's character, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like a new persona, unlocked.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We hard cut to zhang, which was the wood elf that you had discussed how to help with the uh, with making sure that this election was fair, and he approaches very slowly another wood elf and he puts his hand on the shoulder and he goes, baron, yeah, what's up? He goes. It's good to see you. It's been. It's been many years it has. I can't say you look quite the same, but but we've got to get this job done.
Speaker 3:You know that's what I do I work, I work. My life is my work.
Speaker 1:Yes, and he starts to fill you in very quickly about what has happened the last couple days, explaining that the reason that he was sent here was to ensure that this election is fair, because it seems that Sol Deus has been working behind the scenes to make sure that they can get this strategic point. I believe you and this is the first you are hearing any of this because you are not the right guy. You are not. No, this would be racist if Zang was also not a wood. Like Like, like.
Speaker 3:Like.
Speaker 1:And he, just he completely Like spills the beans and he goes, oh, really quickly. You were supposed to have some Information for me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they, uh, they told me To tell you they're not coming.
Speaker 1:Who you were my contact.
Speaker 3:That's all they told me. To tell you is that they won't be able to make it.
Speaker 2:Give him a wink. I'm just winking. That was an uncomfortable wink.
Speaker 3:He looks at you so confidently that you think you know what he's talking about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, give me a deception, so four.
Speaker 2:You just closed both eyes at him.
Speaker 1:Or like both eyes but one at a time, like some kind of lizard frog, that fish from the Simpsons, you just close both eyes at him.
Speaker 2:Or like both eyes, but one at a time.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like some kind of lizard frog, that fish from the Simpsons.
Speaker 1:Well, the crazy thing is is he got a three on the die, but he has a plus two. Oh nice, so he goes. I think I've made a grave mistake talking to you.
Speaker 3:No, there's no mistake talking to me.
Speaker 1:man, I don't believe you're barren.
Speaker 2:No, I can't have kids.
Speaker 3:How the hell did you get here Vance?
Speaker 1:But he goes, I, he goes. I seem to have made A rather large mistake and he goes. How would you like to make about 30 gold, 30, huh, how much were?
Speaker 3:you going to pay Baron 30, gold, 30,. Huh, how much were you going to pay Baron?
Speaker 1:I wasn't going to pay Baron. This is hush money he's just very honest 30 gold is how quiet you want me to be, I'll bump it up to 50 if you help me with what Baron was going to do.
Speaker 3:That sounds more like it, I could not talk for 50 gold and help me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, welcome to the alliance. Can you shake hands and welcome Brian Petrie? What an introduction.
Speaker 3:And then he winks at you.
Speaker 1:And at about that time he ushers you over and you are standing at what looks like, you know, like when you've recently buried something and the dirt is still pretty fresh.
Speaker 2:How often are you burying stuff?
Speaker 1:That doesn't matter. That's not what we're here for. You know what? That's a dumb question to ask somebody.
Speaker 2:You're on a video game when the ground doesn't look the same? Yeah.
Speaker 1:I've been playing a lot of Project.
Speaker 2:Zomboid lately.
Speaker 1:I bet there's a body down there, but clearly it's just like some disturbed dirt. And when he uncovers it, alright, disturbed dirt, just like some disturbed dirt. And when he uncovers it, so, and when he clears that it is, it is a tunnel that leads into the west side of the castle. Okay, and he goes. In a couple of hours, as they are counting the votes, we are going to go through here and we are going to ensure that everything goes as smoothly as possible, but until then, there are a couple other things that we need to handle.
Speaker 1:There is another person that I have brought in to help smooth things out, and we're going to go get him. His name is Vance. You will meet him very shortly. Things out, and we're going to go get him. His name is vance, you will meet him very shortly. Um, and at about that time, you guys split off and meet up with vance, who has just freed all of the people who were gathered up by the guards by threatening them with a sex act. You gathered a big group of people that didn't know what was going on and said it's a sex thing you know what?
Speaker 1:I, I don't blame them. Yeah, I wouldn't stick around. Did it work, though it did.
Speaker 3:It worked very well you just see uh, so if you ever need a room to yourself just say this is a sex, it's a sex thing and then if people stick around, then you've got a different problem to deal with.
Speaker 2:You've made a new friend. Yeah, uh, you just see this dwarf in like cleric garb or like armor, you know like the ring mail and stuff like that. But he's just doing like a fast, like oh, what the fuck? What the fuck what?
Speaker 3:just a quick like and then I see someone just run by me, just a random person from the tavern screaming. There's a horny little man trying to touch everyone he's wearing armor.
Speaker 1:Get away. He's got handcuffs. Go away. Not my pee-pee, it's mayhem, people are screaming, it's a lot. Zhang just sees all these people just scattering and then sees Vance and he goes. What did you do?
Speaker 2:everything according to plan yes and he goes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm sure these people that are now scared for their life are gonna be like better go vote real quick, I mean yeah, I mean shut up he goes either way. They're free. What's?
Speaker 2:what's the least horny activity you can do Vote.
Speaker 1:Eat Kellogg's cereal? I believe Eat.
Speaker 2:Kellogg's cereal. While standing in line to voice your opinion about government, they saw a horny dwarf, and they were like you know what?
Speaker 3:We're going to go vote.
Speaker 1:And that's it, my policies have changed.
Speaker 2:It's a regular ballot and a lot of write-ins of fan-horny dwarves Just written in on it. They try and draw a picture of you. A picture of me and just says Ew.
Speaker 3:Y'all see the dwarves say yeah, yeah. So Zhang looks and goes Ah, vance, this is Ew. Y'all see?
Speaker 1:the dwarf say yeah, yeah. But so Zang looks and goes Ah, vance, this is Well. Actually I don't believe I got your name.
Speaker 3:Me. Yeah, you didn't get my name?
Speaker 1:I didn't. I called you Baron, thinking that you were somebody else, and then come to find out you weren't. But I don't believe I ever asked you a name, I just bribed you oh, you're right, you didn't. That's crazy so I feel like introductions would be a good thing if we're going to be working together oh yeah, vance is also.
Speaker 2:He's so small, so he's just like a child. I'm just like alright.
Speaker 3:Vance.
Speaker 1:Dolan. So you do give your real name now. Yeah, okay, I gotcha Dolan.
Speaker 2:Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3:Vance Yep Family name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my family gave me that name.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Give me some first names.
Speaker 2:It's like Vince with an A it's powerful.
Speaker 1:Thank you, when are we going with this?
Speaker 2:Just getting to know each other. I have a feeling that I have a new friend that I'm going to be seeing for quite a while, yeah, consistently, consistently. Two times a week at least perhaps. And I'll tell people about it, like every other wednesday.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it seems that you were able to free, uh, the, the citizens that were getting locked up. We have secured a path into the castle. For the back end of things, we have time for, for, basically, one more way to try and get more people to not be as afraid. What do you two gentlemen feel like doing? We can either head to the north side of town, which I believe, vance, you particularly know because you met Estel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I met Estel. I've curried some favor up that way.
Speaker 1:And then, or we could head back to the entrance of town on the east side, where it seems to be the biggest support for Sol Deus, and try and do some work around there.
Speaker 2:So I learned if you just walk up to soldiers and yell that you're in charge, they are dumb as hell. They will just let you leave with a group of people.
Speaker 3:That's wild that you said they're dumb as hell. That's awesome. Speaking of, didn't you show me a hole earlier that he could easily fit into?
Speaker 1:I mean, we could easily fit as well. But yes, he would easily your I don't even know if that's the right word fit, yes, yeah, let's put him in that hole.
Speaker 3:We'll put him in that hole in a few hours, let's calm down, we gotta gotta get to know each other a little bit. According to what he was saying earlier, he has no problem with getting in a hole. That was a panic decision.
Speaker 2:I don't actually fancy that kind of thing. I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1:Have you seen, froland? We've all panicked and accidentally Started an orgy, started a threatened orgy. It's a different attitude when it's like we're all here.
Speaker 3:It was real panic at the discotheque, yeah.
Speaker 1:But he goes. Where would you like to wrap up things before we make sure that everything is counted correctly?
Speaker 2:I mean I think like the North actually needs help versus just getting taken out of the plan.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:I think there's actually some good to be done up North.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's you said 50 goal. Yes, he's getting wet.
Speaker 1:Don't worry about it. Oh okay, this is an A to B conversation.
Speaker 3:Fuck off you know what Good point? It's way above your head.
Speaker 1:This is oh, it's because I'm small. Nice, he gets it.
Speaker 3:I've never heard that one before. I haven't heard that one before this has a very different energy than the warms.
Speaker 2:Well, you good to walk. Yeah, all right, I do got a horse and carriage at the stables, but we don't need that until later. He goes all right Just reminding the DM that that exists and. I want it still.
Speaker 1:Yep, all right, just because you want it doesn't mean I will grant it. He goes all right, you two head north. I'm going to see what little bit I can do on the east side. So you two head northhang splits and he says we shall meet up in about three hours in front of the castle. Um, as you head north, you very quickly, you just head back to the, the church that you saw on the previous, and it seems like estel is no longer taking care of the wounded. They are all handled, nice, and you don't see him at all like he's just that would.
Speaker 1:That probably would prevent me from seeing him helping wounded it's one of those things where you went there and it's like, okay, he's not helping the wounded, he must be inside.
Speaker 2:I got you, but when you go there he just seems to be missing advance, walks around, starts looking around and was uh, I'm just asking, like anyone else, any of their parishioners or any of the wounded, like hey, have you seen that dragonborn, you walk up to a nun and she goes ah you must be talking about Estel, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1:And then she just kind of looks down and she goes. He told us not to worry, but a few guards showed up earlier and escorted him off, so we're not quite sure where he is, but he said no need to fear.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, he's good then. We got nothing up here to do.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's not what that sounds like. Oh, no, and she goes.
Speaker 1:however, they were not Ugrange guards, they were Soldeus, which the vote hasn't happened yet, so they don't really have jurisdiction around here. So it is a bit concerning.
Speaker 3:Which way did?
Speaker 1:they go. She looks and she goes well after he left the church. I'm not particularly sure. I do know that there is an outpost A bit west of here, towards the castle.
Speaker 3:All right, hey Vince with an A.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, that is how names work.
Speaker 3:Yes, you said, a dude was dragonborn.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You said Sildaris, soldiers came and got him.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You think he's from there.
Speaker 2:Do I? I honestly have not given it any thought.
Speaker 3:I mean, it didn't sound like he was taken against his will. Yeah, it sounded like they came and collected him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't think he's pro that, so I don't?
Speaker 1:Dragonborns are prominently from Soldeus. That's where Brian's getting that from. Oh, they're one of the primary three species of Soldeus, that's where Brian's getting that from oh. They're one of the primary three species of Soldeus.
Speaker 2:I got you. I just kind of was saying it, just because he's on the north side and helping wounded and the guards. Yeah, would I get the vibe that he's pro or anti-Soldeus?
Speaker 1:When you talked to him he was basically completely neutral as long as he was helping the wounded from the bandit attacks recently. That's why he is here. Yeah, he is in Ugrange to help with the amount of bandit attacks and healing I got you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he might actually be from there. But yeah, he sounds like he's not in trouble, but I'd still like to check it out.
Speaker 3:Did he leave anything behind?
Speaker 1:Like a note, perhaps he's like help.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was like it just says help. He had Hep C. He went to see a specialist. He has Hepatitis C, I would imagine.
Speaker 1:She goes. I mean his quarters. He didn't take anything with him, so everything would still be where he sleeps and where he's staying.
Speaker 3:This is one of his best friends in the world. You mind, if we dig around and see if he left anything that might clue us into why he might have gotten possibly arrested.
Speaker 1:Roll me a deception check 21 to insight.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're best friends. He's like oh shit Vance. Oh that Vance, that's a five. Oh shit Vance. Oh that Vance, that's a five.
Speaker 1:Oh Vance, it's like Vance with an A ah she goes oh, oh, I believe I saw you healing people out front yesterday, correct? Yep, that is 100% true. It is 100% true because it was in the episode.
Speaker 2:People can listen yeah, that's why I'm saying it's 100.
Speaker 1:True, you're saying it like you're lying, though, which is very odd. What, no, you're like yes, 100 and I wink.
Speaker 2:I saw you. What are you doing? Real persuasion with disadvantage there's a carbon monoxide leak in Vance's room.
Speaker 1:It's real weird to see his helmet, but she gestures and she goes. You're more than welcome to see, because I also don't trust the Saldan soldiers. It's very odd circumstances lately.
Speaker 2:Let's go touch his underwear.
Speaker 1:Well, they're friends.
Speaker 3:We just get there and he's like man. Dragonborns leave a stain.
Speaker 2:Very blatant Door's still open, yeah.
Speaker 3:Just digging through his underwear Woo Whoa look at these.
Speaker 1:So you make it into his room and you don't see anything out of the ordinary. You can tell that this isn't where he lives. He was clearly just visiting here but you do see a stack of books on a desk. You see a normal bed. Nothing weird about that. It's a very simple room with a chest and some books on a desk Cool yeah.
Speaker 2:I just kind of do a brief look around.
Speaker 3:Anything? What kind of chest Fold up top or roll top desk?
Speaker 1:Like what you'd keep in front of the bed like a hope chest Can. I open that and see what's in there. It is locked. Can I pick it? Do you have a lock pick set? I do Give me that sleight of hand then While you're doing that, 18 on the investigation Amongst the books you see a journal that he's just kind of been jotting in.
Speaker 1:It actually says as of yesterday he's like I met this cool guy named Vance I think we're going to be good friends, I think we're going to be pretty friends If nothing terrible happens to me in the next 24 hours.
Speaker 2:He healed five people and then left immediately a real mysterious cool guy I hope he doesn't come back and touch my underwear.
Speaker 1:He's a bit short for my taste. At first I was like ugh dwarves, but he turned out to be kind of cool.
Speaker 2:I've been leaving stains.
Speaker 3:Do you see any knives or weapons or just like letter openers or anything around there while you're investigating? Do you need a knife, just seeing if you got anything?
Speaker 1:I mean there would probably be a letter opener, but that's about it.
Speaker 3:No weapons.
Speaker 2:I put my big mace down, for instance my big warhammer down. I pick up the tiny letter opener, this one.
Speaker 1:You're not friends with him, but in those books you see a lot of not even necessarily religious textbooks, but a lot of local politics and history of the area. He was trying to figure out what exactly was going on Because, as you were reading through his journal, he also seemed that something, even though he is from Soldeus, doesn't seem right, Because nothing about this is okay according to tradition and rules and their code of conduct. All right, cool.
Speaker 2:He's a bit of a nerd, nailed it. That's what I got out of it.
Speaker 1:We cut back over to what you see in the chest. What was your or, I guess, what was your side of hand check 19. Alright, you get it open and you notice that the chest is filled with a complete set of Soldeus armor With an emblem on it that is essentially. I guess neither one of you would naturally know. So either one of you can give me a history check?
Speaker 2:Ooh 19 on the die I'm rocking it oh this is my only 19s die.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's less suspicious because it's not natural. 20s I got a unnatural 21.
Speaker 3:Okay, can you get a natural 21? Have you been rolling percentile dice this whole time, the whole time you?
Speaker 1:notice that the symbol on the armor is actually from a essentially Sudeus' version of like Crusaders, where they are very much like holy soldiers. There's's like the town guard, there's the general like militia and stuff. But then when it comes to like the religious section, there are specific religious warriors that have never been outside of the city walls because they mostly curtail inter-state like problems interstate problems.
Speaker 2:And that's the symbol that's on the armor that is the symbol that's on the armor.
Speaker 3:I think your boy was lying to you. I don't think he was a monk or a cleric. I think he was a. Multiple things can be true. Sure, that is true. Both of those things were true. He both healed and hurt people it looks like they're called harmacists.
Speaker 1:That's not a paint on his armor.
Speaker 2:Never heard of a paladin, it's just healed and hurt people, and Vance just gets a far-off look in his eyes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, helicopters CCR starts playing.
Speaker 3:I'm going to say we're going to take this to his family, we're going to deliver his armor to his family. It's probably best that they know that he's been taken.
Speaker 2:He might need it.
Speaker 1:He might need it. Well, we're not particularly aware of any family that he has in the city. Do you mean back to Soldeus?
Speaker 3:Yeah, you wouldn't happen to have anybody. You know that's going that way. That way we could get there as quickly as possible.
Speaker 1:I mean there's convoys going in and out of the city all the time. I'm sure you could hit up one of those. Normally even the soldier routes will take pedestrians if they have the coin.
Speaker 2:I do have a horse in cart as well. Maybe she says that, who knows, maybe that small child that got yelled at earlier?
Speaker 3:was not to be trusted.
Speaker 2:You know the innocent small child that didn't do anything.
Speaker 3:Yeah, let's go see what you got in that horse and cart there.
Speaker 1:She stops you and she goes. If you're taking this, then you're assuming he's not coming back.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, not at all. We just he may need it in order to help him get back. Yeah, okay, it's rough out there.
Speaker 1:I will hold down the fort Our.
Speaker 2:Could you actually hold?
Speaker 1:down the church. Okay, dickhead, like she just sinned.
Speaker 2:Like what.
Speaker 1:She goes, sinned Wow, she goes okay what you're saying?
Speaker 1:Yes, I can. That's what I was doing before Father Estill got here, because our priest hasn't returned from his journey up north to Curhill. So the priest went up north as well. Our local priest here in Ugrange had to travel north to Kerr Hill, so, wait, the priest went up north as well. Our local priest here in Ugrange had to travel north to Kerr Hill and since he hadn't been back, we requested assistance from Soldeus, because that was the local area that they were closest to us, essentially.
Speaker 1:Which is kind of what kicked off this whole thing about a week ago.
Speaker 3:We'll check on that as well, and I give my new friend Dolan a look of like uh-oh, yeah. Well, you said that convoys and the soldiers take people up north all the time.
Speaker 1:Well, yes, with this being so close to Soldeus and Kerr Hill, we are a very strategic point, would probably be a good way to put it because people traveling from Sildeus will go up north because it's the closest port to any of these border states, but also Ugrange has a route. We're like the Indiana you can go through us to get to a different place. That makes perfect sense.
Speaker 2:Yes, when is this fantasy land of Indiana?
Speaker 3:I'll show it to you.
Speaker 1:But yes, so north we have Kerr Hill and then we have other cities to the east and south, so we are a very good point to quickly get to where you need to go.
Speaker 3:Well, I appreciate it. We're just going to take this whole chest if it's easier to carry all this.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah. And then she looks at Van and van she goes. Since you were friends, I'm assuming this will be okay. Yeah, he's, he's a priest.
Speaker 2:When he gets back I'm sure he'll understand yeah, we're just trying to make sure he gets back hey, vince with an a grab those books, all right I guess I take the books and throw them right in the trunk as well.
Speaker 1:Letter opener she goes oh, all of his belongings.
Speaker 2:This is getting weirder Everything.
Speaker 3:Do you?
Speaker 2:want the bed sheets too. Actually, yeah, I take the bed sheets, don't worry, because this is a sex thing. You got some stanky drawers.
Speaker 1:We recently heard of a warrant on the south side for a guard that went rogue and threatened an entire group of people.
Speaker 2:It was a general, but that's fine.
Speaker 3:With a sex thing.
Speaker 1:So you gather up the armor and you gather up his books, and then do you head out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:As you head out, it's probably been about 30 minutes to an hour, so in probably another hour or two is when you're going to meet Zhang. Do you want to investigate that fort to the west or kind of just wait to get into the castle? Because, she doesn't know where he was taken. That was kind of just her guess.
Speaker 2:Would we have time to investigate the fort to the west before meeting Zhang?
Speaker 1:Depending on how things go. How far away is your horse and buggy?
Speaker 2:I don't know, it is on the opposite side of town, so if we hustle we can do the fort. Who runs the?
Speaker 3:fort.
Speaker 1:Who runs the fort. There's not really anybody that runs it. It's been very odd lately because a lot of the Ugrange outposts for defense have kind of just been co-opted by Soldeus, so it's mostly just a lot of Soldean grunts that are just kind of hanging around making sure that the town is safe. I guess because of the bandit attacks. I still don't particularly understand on our end why our own guards are doing less and less.
Speaker 3:I say hey, general, let's make our way over to that fort. Let's see if I can fit.
Speaker 1:You're the sex criminal from the South.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going to go.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:I'm going to see if I can fit in this armor.
Speaker 2:If you can fit in the armor. I mean, don't do it in front of her, okay.
Speaker 1:So when you head out and you try and put on the armor, it is much too big for you. Essel is a dragonborn. It's much bulkier. So you got the height right, but it's much out.
Speaker 2:Just tell everyone you got a tapeworm.
Speaker 3:But it clearly doesn't fit.
Speaker 2:Correct. It was my dad's armor.
Speaker 1:It's like wearing a shirt that's too big, so people don't know you're as fat, but they still know.
Speaker 3:So I'm going to put it back in the case and we'll just walk with it and see, I got an idea, though.
Speaker 1:Are you meeting up with Zhang or are you heading to that outpost?
Speaker 3:I say we go, meet up with Zhang and let him know what we want to do. That works.
Speaker 1:You get back, you wait about an hour and Zhang returns. He goes. Gentlemen, did you figure anything out? How was it up?
Speaker 2:north. Interesting the priest Estel, he got, I wouldn't say taken perhaps, but he's with the Solderans, I believe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and also, your boy ain't no priest. And I just kick open the chest and show him that there's armor in there with the symbol on it. I'll fold it up.
Speaker 2:Very dramatic. I mean, he could also still also be a priest. They are religious soldiers.
Speaker 3:Two things can be true again yeah, he's not baptizing babies.
Speaker 2:No. He's baptizing things. Vance just says to himself God, that was such a cool move.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna have to step my shit up. And Zhang I almost said Estel Zhang goes. Oh, it's interesting that you found this. Estel has actually been working Relatively close to us. You're seeing an unfortunate remnant of his past that he's trying to get through, but I can assure you that his heart is in the right place now. However, it is concerning that the Saldans gathered him up, because that means they either need him for something or they have discovered something about him yeah, I take it that if they needed him, he would probably have wanted to bring his armor that is a very solid point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it may be best for us if we head into the castle to see how the count is going.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but there's some stirring at the fort. How desperate are you to get in this castle?
Speaker 1:If you guys want to handle the fort, I can head into the castle the way that I see it. Once they finalize the vote. There's nothing we can do about it, but until then we can make sure that at least it's going as it should, as it's planned.
Speaker 3:I got a feeling this vote's going as it should, as it's planned. Hmm, I got a feeling this vote's going to happen regardless of what we do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the vote is happening.
Speaker 3:I mean worst case scenario we get ourselves arrested and this armor doesn't fit, so I ain't fighting my way out. I got an idea though, yeah, armor doesn't fit, so I ain't fighting my way out. I got an idea though, yeah, I think we can get in that uh that fort without, uh your sexual escapades holding us down again.
Speaker 2:I got too deep in the character, I panicked yeah, I say, we take this chest over there and also, hey, I think at least two people in that crowd were like dude. This could be fun. I'm just saying it wasn't a complete wash, yeah that one guy was stuck in his cell.
Speaker 3:Didn't like him.
Speaker 1:Didn't like his vibe the one guy that stuck around his shirt was lifted. He was scratching his gut. He's like thank you, we can do that. We'll hang out and see what's going on.
Speaker 3:Other dude was just eating cheese.
Speaker 1:He didn't know what was going on and like you, could hear him eating it. It's like real mushy. Because it's like old, they didn't have it in the fridge.
Speaker 3:It's never the one. It was bar cheese, it was old tavern cheese. I regret so many decisions today this episode brought to you by old tavern cheese. Old tavern cheese, old Tavern Cheese.
Speaker 2:Got a shit today and tomorrow? No, you don't. Too bad, you're going to have to, but you can't.
Speaker 1:So you would like me to head into the castle and you two are taking the fort or we're looking at the fort later.
Speaker 3:You really think you can stop this?
Speaker 1:vote. No, I'm not trying to stop it. I'm just assuring that, when things are counted, uh, that they are making it to their correct destination. I'm more keeping the path on the way that it should. I think we've done a lot of good when it comes to releasing people that they were separating specifically for this vote, but there's always things on the back end, depending on who's watching yeah, no, I think we're gonna go to the fort.
Speaker 3:I think you got this okay, I'm believing you cool. Yeah, we start heading towards the fort all right, he goes.
Speaker 1:I uh, all right, you guys we're probably like 40 minutes right now, cool right on, and we normally cut around 45. 45, yeah, okay, he goes. Okay, yes, I will handle what is inside the fort and you two gentlemen, or sorry, I'm a gentleman yeah. He goes. Oh yes, I will handle what's inside the castle. I will make sure that whatever happens, I'll subvert it as best I can, depending on what I see, and I guess we'll just meet up later and you can fill me in on Essel and that fort.
Speaker 2:Sounds good to me Sounds like a plan.
Speaker 3:I ain't going to forget about our deal. You still ain't paid me.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're correct. Then he hands you the bag of 50 gold. I normally wait until the end, but given the circumstances I'm not quite sure when things will calm down enough for us to meet up again. So he heads in.
Speaker 3:When he hands me the gold, I want him to hand it directly over Vance's head.
Speaker 1:One coin at a time One.
Speaker 3:I told you this was over your head.
Speaker 2:Two I was just doing this to be a good person. I could have benefited financially. This is crazy.
Speaker 1:And then you head to the north of the town to that fort. I said that really clunky and in pieces, I don't know why.
Speaker 3:I am stuck, help, help me help please.
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah, cut the cameras. This is bad seriously, I'm having a stroke that was where the brain was working faster than the mouth you know, um, but zhang goes. Ah and gentlemen, truly thank you for that help. I hope to see you again soon and he nods and heads into the castle. As you guys are heading towards the fort to the north, you start to notice that actually give me perception. Checks, both of you, mmm. Well, five Mmm, that was the highest amongst you two.
Speaker 3:Six, oh, okay, you head south.
Speaker 2:Like oh, we messed this up. Oh shit, soggy eat never waffles yeah.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, you guys don't really notice anything, but there does seem to be quite the ruckus. You can't quite determine what it is, but it is very loud, and the closer you get, the more that you notice that. You see a few tents that have now Saldan emblems already on them, and both of you give me insight checks now soldan emblems already on them and both of you give me insight checks 19 okay, hey, and 19 on the die oh okay, that's a lot of 19s today
Speaker 3:it's 19s and 3s for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing in the middle. Um, you notice that it almost seems like they're preemptively celebrating, Like the Suleyman soldiers are already like drinking and carrying on and having a good old time. A lot of the tents have been replaced with like these makeshift structures that have Suleyman symbols on them, but they're literally starting the vote count soon. They haven't even started counting votes yet, but right now they haven't noticed you and you just see them around the campfire and the makeshift structures and the goings-on of the normal fort.
Speaker 3:Can we make out the soldiers? Can we see what they look like or who they are? Because they're not all dragonborn right, Correct? No, no, no.
Speaker 1:It's a mix of a bunch and you don't see Essel anywhere. All the soldiers, they're not even battle ready. It's like hey, it's the end of the day, we're not on shift, they're just in their makeshift armor and they're like fatigue, fatigues, whatever that would be their under armor, and just like they've already done their job, like it's Okay.
Speaker 3:And we take off running up there screaming they took him.
Speaker 2:But then they left his armor.
Speaker 3:They took him. They can argue about it or they can go figure out who took who. But we got armor and no body.
Speaker 2:Oh, we just take a symbol, we don't need the whole armor, ditch it Just a piece.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we just like yeah.
Speaker 2:Just the breastplate. No, no, no, we can't, because like if they took him like part of his armor could have come off in a struggle, but like it's weird to have a whole chest, you know, a glove, yeah something with a symbol on it.
Speaker 3:Okay, off the armor, all right, we'll just say they took them. All right, let's do it All right here.
Speaker 1:I gave it to him. Okay, so that's the plan.
Speaker 2:The last time I spoke, I accidentally started a sex crime, so I'm going to sit this one out.
Speaker 3:So I take the piece and I'm like, yeah, you're right, that's probably a better idea. Where do we put this armor? Because? A better idea, where do we put this armor? Because we can't have them stumbling across it and finding it.
Speaker 1:I look around to the tree or bush or something. Not really because you're in the middle of a town, but you could maybe find an alleyway to try and Find an alley, stick it behind a dumpster. Some homeless guy's like oh boy, some armor.
Speaker 3:He just woo, woo, woo, woo and he runs off with it. What all did the armor have with it? Was it just platelets, feet, chest? What all was there?
Speaker 1:it was mostly chain mail with like a plate chest piece, okay, yep. And then a makeshift helmet that went down the nose, uh. And then just around the back to flare out into the chest piece, okay yeah, let's just half full. I think it's technically what it is in the like dmg half plate, half full.
Speaker 2:No, I haven't had breakfast yet yeah, half full yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm with that. Let's dish this armor back here. And then I say we run in, we tell them they took him. When they ask who, we tell them we don't know. We were just talking to him and some dudes ran up and snatched him yeah nice, nice.
Speaker 3:And then we tell them I don't know where they're taking him to, but it seems serious. Yeah, and we see how they react, because I mean, if we walk in not knowing anything to talk about, they're just going to ask us who we are. Yeah, and the whole sex story will have to come up.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, hang on, I've been working on this, so it's not a sex thing. I go. How about them bug bears? Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
Speaker 1:The local sports team the bug bears bug bears one of the guards goes oh my god, it's the guy that's been molesting bug bears out in the woods, he's that crime that's been existing for years I thought it was an urban legend, but he's real.
Speaker 3:All right, we won't do that that'll be a one-off bit.
Speaker 1:we're not gonna make you an international. I thought it was an urban legend, but he's real. Yeah, no, all right, we won't do that. That'll be a one-off bit. We're not going to make you an international sex criminal, please not. I say you run in screaming help.
Speaker 3:I run in behind you screaming. They took him Cool. All right when you get in as you're screaming, help look around and see if you see your buddy. You'll recognize him before I will.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sounds like a plan, okay so.
Speaker 2:Vance you run in. I'm adorning little legs.
Speaker 1:It's like four feet you guys were outside the door.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we got to pretend like we're running, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Oh my God, they took him, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:So as soon as you run in and break not break, but run through the entrance, the guards that are already drinking around the fire like stumble and they're, they're like reaching for their sword, but they kind of forgot that they don't really have anything on them, so they're just like tent, they tense up and they go. What help? What is going on? And I'm assuming that's about the time that you turn the corner. He just never comes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that would be oh God.
Speaker 3:I'm selling the emblem to somebody in the street.
Speaker 1:First frozen.
Speaker 2:No one become my friend. You will disappear if I quit looking at you. I know I've been giddily hurt.
Speaker 1:I'm talking to somebody like no, no, no, I got the rest of it over there this episode is going to end with Vance looking at a snow globe in the hospital and then I'm assuming you come running around the corner.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank God, we found this. We found this. The Zali dropped and he said to help. He screamed help.
Speaker 1:And at about that time you hear a very deep voice from one of the makeshift structures who the hell are you talking about? And at about that time the door kicks open to a huge orc that is pulling behind him in handcuffs, essel, and pushes him in front and kicks him to the ground and he is bloodied and bruised. And that is where we are ending this episode. Ah, ah man Well. Ah man well. Uh, thank you for watching. Monster monsters are listening on the podcast formats. My name has been.
Speaker 2:I always say has been like it's changing, we changed it yeah, uh, my name is tyler waltz.
Speaker 1:I've been your dm and we'll just start with. Start with the newcomer yeah, I'm brian petrie.
Speaker 3:You can find me all the things at brian petrie comedy. I should look at one of these cameras, give it a wink and then give that one a wink. Oh, two eyes, two winks and I am tyson cox.
Speaker 2:You can find me at tyson cox comedy. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this, please tell a friend. We're growing rapidly and that's all. Thanks to you guys. We don't do any ads or anything like that, so it's all word of mouth currently. So I just want to thank you all for listening and thanks for the support. You guys are beautiful.
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