Previously on Monster Monster, Vance and Dolo make their way through the streets of Kerr Hill to find an interesting blacksmith. After striking a deal, they begin to wonder what else is in their adventure.
Speaker 2:I like that. You said an interesting blacksmith. That's for us to decide, not you the guy who made him. No, I made him interesting, so cool. You made him kind of a prick. I did because, they were frustrating me.
Speaker 4:Interesting is the word as a.
Speaker 1:DM I vent through characters Gotcha.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he hates it whenever players have fun talking to his NPCs.
Speaker 1:He hates it. All. Right, everybody, welcome to Monster Monster. My name is Tyler Waltz and I will be your DM. I know that we normally do introductions at the end, but we have a guest today.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my name's Joey Eberling. Should I introduce my character?
Speaker 1:or just let that, If you want we can have your character be introduced through the story. But just who are you? I'll hang on to it. Oh, I'm just a guy. You're just a guy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm just a girl in a world. No, I'm just a guy doing fun make-em-ups every now and again, and I get to play D&D on a podcast now, so that's really cool. It is very cool I've made some cool choices in my life to get here, that's pretty great.
Speaker 2:That didn't sound like sarcastic at all. No.
Speaker 3:I was completely genuine with that. I get how it could sound that way because the world of comedy can be very sad, but I was completely genuine with that Also D&D and cool is like a three year anomaly.
Speaker 1:It hasn't been associated for very long.
Speaker 2:Lockers empty of nerds currently.
Speaker 1:All right, Tyson.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, I'm Tyson Cox. I'm a stand-up comedian, d&d player, nerd guy. You guys know me if you've been listening, if not, that's me.
Speaker 4:My name is Dolan Mircedrin. Everybody call me Dolo, but my real name is brian petrie. Find me at all things. Brian petrie.
Speaker 1:Comedy on the insta webs, vance and dolo just recently got the information for who can tell them more about these necromancer books. Do you guys know what you would like to do with this information?
Speaker 2:because we're just coming right out of that conversation with the blacksmith first I look over at dolo and go oh, what an interesting blacksmith.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's almost as if he was created as an interesting person From day one interesting. That's what. I thought immediately I'm going to write that on my little notepad here. Interesting yeah.
Speaker 1:As you guys are talking, you see that he opens the door and there was not a sign before, but now it says no solicitors and he closes it.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah we have that effect on people. Nice. Good luck selling shit.
Speaker 1:Well, no, it's good luck buying shit, because you sold him a bunch of stuff.
Speaker 4:No, he ain't going to sell nothing when I'm done with this place.
Speaker 1:Vague threat to economy. Tyler loves economy.
Speaker 2:Be nice to him All right, so you said we have the address. Is it general shopping or is it just like? This is a?
Speaker 1:guy's house. It's basically a guy's house. So essentially, your options right now for the information that you have is you have the amulet that you don't know what it does but you know that it tries to hurt you when you put it on. That you don't know what it does, but you know that it tries to hurt you when you put it on. You have the docks, which is where most of the underground information everybody who knows everybody is going to get their merchandise through there and where you're going to meet the most contacts and then this mysterious person that could tell you more about the necromancy books.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, all right. So we're going to meet this guy. We should get him a bribe. Let's go get him some pastries. Really smooth them over, pastries. Yeah, I think seems like a good idea so what are you marketing? Yeah I mean, we got to meet this guy about a book, right? Yeah, you want to bring in pastries I want to start off on the right foot.
Speaker 4:How do you know he likes sweets?
Speaker 2:I'm making a pretty vague stab here.
Speaker 4:Like, what if we get there and he's diabetic?
Speaker 2:More pastries for us.
Speaker 4:You just want pastries, don't you Vance?
Speaker 2:He looks down at his stomach and just goes.
Speaker 1:Everybody knows, the best comedy is no but. You're presented sweets diabetes.
Speaker 2:That's what happened to you, though.
Speaker 3:Let's get him a hot wing and a rich beer.
Speaker 2:That way his gout can flare up.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's an inside joke.
Speaker 2:Nobody even knows that.
Speaker 4:Why don't we get him some cherry juice, just to be safe?
Speaker 1:Am I just going to have to write me as this mysterious wizard? I think so. I think so. You hear his steps come down from the. Am I just going to have to write me as this mysterious?
Speaker 2:wizard. I think so. I think so. You hear his steps come down from the tower. He opens the door. He is winded All right.
Speaker 3:Are you going to the fucking docks?
Speaker 4:Let's go get you some sweet treats Vance.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, there's like no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 4:You need sweet, truffly sweet, candy-coated, glazed wonderfulness in your life. Let's go get you some.
Speaker 2:I think that blacksmith really rubbed you the wrong way but yeah, let's go, yeah, yeah. We head down to the I guess the dock area.
Speaker 1:The docks are north, so you head up to the docks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's fun for the listeners. Yeah, it's just like diabetes All right.
Speaker 1:So you head to the docks. Before you get there, you notice that they almost have, like, a check-in system, like, instead of it just being a huge open docks, it's completely fenced off with one point of entry and there's a dwarf standing there at that point of entry.
Speaker 4:Vance, you know him.
Speaker 2:Do I.
Speaker 1:Make a history check to confirm Brian's racism.
Speaker 2:Ooh Brian's very racist 18 on the die.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 18. Okay, cool, so you do recognize this dwarf so, yeah, 18, okay, cool, so you do recognize this dwarf. All right, I'm sure this won't get out of hand. Um, because now brian's gonna try and confirm everything through the lens of species.
Speaker 4:I rolled no dice. You just asked a question, all right, you're actually it's, I'm actually related to him.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're going to the extra step. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got 18.
Speaker 1:So you could recognize this dwarf as Golnam Keenhold and he is one of the guildmasters for this area and basically, if there is somebody that knows somebody, it's Golnam. He has a very high reputation where you know that loyalty is his number one thing. As long as you're loyal to him, everything's going to be fine. But the moment he even suspects that you are crossing him, you better.
Speaker 2:You're not sleeping well at night oh, he's gonna feed me hot wings too late at night yeah so like uh, yeah, crazy enough. I know him, cool guy. He kind of knows a lot about a lot of things.
Speaker 4:How do you know him? I was just being an ass.
Speaker 2:Well, you know what they say sometimes when you're an ass.
Speaker 1:He doesn't know you. I rolled the C.
Speaker 4:What are the odds of him hearing about you?
Speaker 1:this is this is what we need, though right, yeah, apparently I'm a fan of him well, it's one of those things where you know like a local business and you know the owner, but the owner doesn't know you yeah, you know so I have a actually I have a punch card nine, nine interactions with him.
Speaker 2:The tenth one's free, so this is pretty advantageous and you're at eight ah, son of a bitch I just kind of know him through.
Speaker 4:You know the grapevine I got a suspicious feeling about these books and this little evil gem. You think he knows anything about it would I, you wouldn't I?
Speaker 1:nothing from what you've heard would make you think that he's arcane like understanding in any way.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think so. I think he deals more in the material goods.
Speaker 4:Well, let's see if we can make our way through there and get you some pastries and something for our upcoming visitor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I walk up when you walk up, he's reading a book. What's he reading? You can't.
Speaker 2:The cover doesn't have anything on it. It's almost like a journal. Ah okay, Excuse me, uh, Keenhold, how are you doing?
Speaker 1:He, uh, he just looks up with his eyes and he goes permit. Unfortunately we just got into town, ah so you need a permit and then he kind of looks and he goes that'll be 200 gold and he scratches his head.
Speaker 2:The fuck Wait 200 gold to change parts of the city.
Speaker 1:Hey, I don't make the rules. You know he makes the rules. Yeah, you do.
Speaker 2:You don't recognize me.
Speaker 1:No, I cannot say, I do in any capacity. You know my aunt oh who was your aunt. Yes, that's not how this works. Roll me Deception 16. 19. Yeah, he goes.
Speaker 4:Look, I may know her, but that doesn't mean I know you Now, while they're going back and forth about whether or not he knows his aunt, can I just look around and see what's around me?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah for sure you can see through the fence. It's very much stereotypical port. There's people unloading boats, everything like that. Give me a perception or insight. Check Boom Nat 20.
Speaker 4:Nat 20.
Speaker 1:Okay. So with you being in the industry of buying and selling and stuff like that, you can kind of pinpoint which boats are doing what business. So you see a boat that's clearly unloading arms and stuff like that. You notice that some of these packages aren't following the flow of traffic and there's definitely some alleyways, that some boxes are disappearing and you're able to pinpoint and locate those and you also notice some of the like side deals that are going on as well.
Speaker 4:So you are able to get a very clear understanding of this dock um, on the dock side, since, uh, I'm looking at all the stuff being loaded and is there like a stack of crates anywhere on the other side of the fence?
Speaker 1:on the opposite side of the fence. Uh yeah, there would be some crates for some of the vendors that are set up on the perimeter. How far away are they Probably 30, 40 feet down the fence line, perfect.
Speaker 4:Perfect, I'm going to, while they're conversating, start a little fire at the bottom of those crates.
Speaker 1:Okay, give me a sleight of hand to see if anybody notices. Ooh, I got a 19 on the die.
Speaker 4:I'm a rogue, though. Oh, we match, oh, we match, we match. I'll give it to you.
Speaker 1:So you start a small fire that hasn't really been noticed yet. And during all of this and the argument, our wonderful guest overhears this exchange at the gate. What are you doing in there?
Speaker 3:What am I doing? Or am I just popping in at this?
Speaker 1:what would you like to be doing? Let's just say that you're on the dock doing an exchange and you overhear it you're just wheeling and dealing here at the docks and you overhear somebody trying to get in. But can't like just arguing with the with the front gate I've, uh, I'm there doing some business.
Speaker 5:I overhear this commotion, uh hey, there's something going on over here. Is everything okay? I couldn't help but notice a little kerfuffle happening at the fence. Rules got you down, brother Golden looks over and goes.
Speaker 1:Ah, just more people trying to get in without paying the fee.
Speaker 5:Hey, you got to pay the fee to party brother. Listen. The laws of man don't entice me much, but the laws of society amongst us as tradesperson, those I can get down with all day. How do you?
Speaker 1:react Vance.
Speaker 5:You need a hand brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:How much is the fee again, sir?
Speaker 5:You talking to me. Yes, sir, do I look like the fucking quartermaster to you?
Speaker 4:That's well said. I've never heard someone put it that way.
Speaker 1:Look, I would be willing to negotiate on the prices, as long as I'm not being lied to. And he looks at you, vance and he goes. We do need some work done, vance and he goes. We do need some work done. The fees to get in are mostly just to deter people who aren't actually interested in business.
Speaker 4:What else would people be interested in? Yeah, what.
Speaker 5:All kinds of things. I could list things all day. I got all kinds of interests. Sorry, I'm a bit of a chatterbox.
Speaker 4:I got time.
Speaker 1:I don't get to talk very often it's interesting to me that two gentlemen would come to a smuggling city and then you see a gate where there's like a fee to get in and think, oh no, no, no, this is all on the up and up and they're definitely not trying to keep out like I don't know the feds or anything.
Speaker 5:The feds would have gold. Are you a?
Speaker 2:fed.
Speaker 4:You've got to tell me if you're a fed, if I was a fed, would I be arguing about the price to get in? That's exactly what a fed would say. And who is this homeless guy and where did he come from? Homeless, you're homeless, I've got a home.
Speaker 5:I've got a home. It's fully self-sustaining. Can you say that I've got a full homestead ready to go locked and loaded? I've got known to enjoy a little temple, but I don't live there.
Speaker 1:At about this time. The fire grows pretty big at this point and a bunch of people start rushing over and he goes look, help us put out this fire, and then we can negotiate something.
Speaker 2:All right, I go try to find a bucket to get some water.
Speaker 4:Okay, yeah, I'm going to go help him find the bucket.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I walk past him into the city, me too, all right. I'm going to get a bucket, I'll be right back hey game respect game.
Speaker 5:That was pretty smooth what you did there.
Speaker 1:Oh, so you go with him, yeah.
Speaker 5:Listen again. I'm very much on the laws of man, as we agree upon, but when you skirt them, brother, you skirt them, but good, I got a question for you.
Speaker 2:You said you had it Because I technically am homeless.
Speaker 5:All right, good on you, dude this house, powered house.
Speaker 2:It's pretty good. We should talk about that more later.
Speaker 5:Oh wait, Are you fed?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 5:Okay, good, because you got to tell me if you are.
Speaker 2:Also no, they don't.
Speaker 1:So, now that you guys are in the port and they're dealing with the fire, where do you guys go? Dolo, you have a pretty good layout. Are you trying to make it to one of the ships? Are you trying to make it to one of those like alleys?
Speaker 4:I'm trying to get up in them alleys. Okay cool. Their stuff on the ship is not what anybody wants.
Speaker 1:It what anybody wants. It's the stuff in the alley. Okay, so I will need. Are you guys just going? I'm gonna go with him. Yeah, I'm not gonna split up. No, no, I was asking are you trying to like sneak? Are you trying to like blend in, like? How are you guys doing hang?
Speaker 2:on. Is there a bucket? Uh, is there like a bucket, like readily available?
Speaker 1:yeah, there'd be buckets. I mean there's bringing in fish or all kinds of stuff.
Speaker 2:I grab a. I grab a bucket. Uh, is there any like that? Are filled with water or anything already? No, okay, well, I find some water or something, or I create water into the bucket and I just throw the bucket and the water at the fire. I'm like, ah, I gave it a shot.
Speaker 4:We were already gone.
Speaker 2:But I had to try. I couldn't lie to the man.
Speaker 5:Ben's got a code. I gotta respect that.
Speaker 4:While he's doing that, I'm tucked away in a shadow, slowly turning my jacket inside out.
Speaker 1:Okay, Give me a sneak check, but yes you throw the bucket and Goldham just looks at you and goes what the hell? 17. 17. All right, you are able to yep, you're able to change your identity to be vague enough to where nobody will notice you. And he just looks at you and he goes just handle them, I'll keep an eye on them. And you all head to the alleyways.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Okay. So in the alleyways, you start to see more of what the city's really about. You're seeing people just laying on your typical slums of the city, but you're also seeing where most of the money is being transferred as well. Everybody, give me an insight check.
Speaker 2:Ooh, not me, not me, not today, mm-mm, no how.
Speaker 1:Mm-mm 19. 19,. Okay, dolo's really carrying the situations.
Speaker 4:Walking through these alleyways, baby, this is my bad. Home Okay. 10. These alleyways, baby, this is my bad home, okay, 10.
Speaker 1:So Dolo, you notice that a lot of these goods they're within these alleys there's almost like man-made, not man-made. There are essentially checkpoints where everybody knows kind of what is their location. You can tell by how people are dressed, certain tattoos, that each little alleyway that branches out is controlled by different underground societies and different boxes and different labels are passing through.
Speaker 4:Do I recognize any of the societies or the tattoos?
Speaker 1:So you recognize, give me a history check. You're going to get one, but you might be able to get more. You can also roll me a history check. Oh shit, a seven, that's a five. Okay. So yeah, neither one of you recognize too many of them, although I will say Dolo. One of them that you do recognize is the same symbol of the gentleman that beat you up many years ago.
Speaker 2:Very nice about it. At the end of the movie Kingsman he was like the man is mak nice about it. Yeah, the movie Kingsman, he was like the man is making the man yeah shit out of me with an umbrella and a monocle can I?
Speaker 4:can I tell what products?
Speaker 1:are being transported to them specifically. No, they're all in crates. The crates just have the symbol on them mm-hmm.
Speaker 4:I know what this is all about now what in what in the alley are the alleys segmented? Is it like are we walking down an alley and then there's like cut streets?
Speaker 1:Yes, it's almost like you guys are walking down like a mall where there's one main highway and then they branch off and you see like doorways that are blocked with certain symbols on them. Give me perception checks everybody.
Speaker 2:So if it's like a mall, I don't know and I'm like, ah, so this is a bad idea and dying yeah right in the middle there's a cell phone yeah, there's a little kiosk yeah yeah there's massage chairs oh 10 14 24.
Speaker 1:okay, so, um, everybody that got above a 10. Uh, the symbols that you can currently see where you're at is the symbol that Dolo saw. You also see another symbol of two dragons that are intertwined. You also see a spider wrapping up like a bug symbol and then, finally, you see a wolf and a sheep, like the wolf is going after the sheep. Those are the symbols that you currently see in front of you. Are you going to attempt to go into any of these locations or are you still just scoping it out?
Speaker 4:I'm just scoping things out.
Speaker 5:Hey, by the way, real quick to jump in here guys.
Speaker 5:I wanted to introduce myself. I realized I've just been kind of tagging along with you. Oh fuck, yeah. Hey, sorry, I kind of tagging along with you. Oh fuck, yeah, hey, sorry, I kind of do that. I just kind of fade into the background. Hey, name's Dudley Wayne Budley, nice to meet you. Listen, I told the old QM I'd keep an eye on you. Don't worry, I'm not a cop or anything like that, I'm just here as a bud. But I felt it was weird. I've been walking behind you and I didn't want to creep you out or nothing like that.
Speaker 4:Okay, Better a bud than a dud.
Speaker 5:I never heard that one before. I am a dud. I'm a dud Lee and a bud Lee.
Speaker 1:You said that with all the enthusiasm of somebody with a last name that gets brought up every time they buy something. Yeah the last name that gets brought up every time they buy something. Yeah, like, yeah, like. I've been to so many gas stations where I say my last name is waltz and somebody will go. Can you dance?
Speaker 2:why are you saying your last name at gas stations?
Speaker 4:well, no, like, I guess not you're just like walking up high tyler waltz, yeah, I'm here for your beef jerky.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's for my friend Brian.
Speaker 4:Sure it is, sir, sure it is.
Speaker 2:And it always is. Yes, this is a large bag of snacks, but for me it's several of my friends.
Speaker 3:What a party we shall have later.
Speaker 1:No, I'm talking about when they check your ID and stuff if you buy alcohol. I don't know why I went to gas station first. It's just a liquor store.
Speaker 5:Hey, you know what you went from the heart. You can't be mad about that.
Speaker 1:Choices were made, choices were made.
Speaker 5:So yeah, anyway, just wanted to you know again. Didn't want to be awkward.
Speaker 1:Nice to meet you.
Speaker 5:Dud Nice, you know sometimes it's well, yep, sometimes people give me their names back, yeah.
Speaker 2:What an interesting tradition you have up here.
Speaker 5:Yeah, you know, it's just something I'm trying out Trying it on for size I like my name.
Speaker 4:I think I'm going to keep it. Wow, I see what you did there. Your name is Sam Antics. Huh, Nice to meet you. I'm Vance.
Speaker 5:That's Vance with an A.
Speaker 4:Beginning or in the middle of it, wherever there would be an I?
Speaker 5:there's an a. Where would there be an I in vance? No he said vince vince, oh vince with an with an, a vince with. See, now I'm more confused than when we started.
Speaker 2:See, here's the thing is. He'll say that to me, referring to me, and, uh, confusing. Well, I worry every time.
Speaker 1:Every time you hear an omnipotent voice just in your head. Now you know why I'm so fucking frustrated all the time. What the fuck was that?
Speaker 5:Oh, they got the implant on me.
Speaker 4:Well, I'm Dolo.
Speaker 5:Hey, nice to meet you. I think Time will tell.
Speaker 1:Time will tell.
Speaker 5:All right, wilmette, just wanted to get ourselves acquainted before we go.
Speaker 4:You recognize any of these? Oh yeah.
Speaker 5:Yeah, there's a spider. I believe that's supposed to be a sheep and a wolf. You know the artistry leaves something to be desired, but I see what they were going for. Graphically okay with it, but you know, not always my cup of tea.
Speaker 4:Minimal. For stencils, it works best.
Speaker 5:Love it. Yeah, I think those are some dragons.
Speaker 4:Mm-hmm, very mid-century.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm yeah because, although you've been here a while, you did roll very low I did so. You cannot remember any of these ordinances.
Speaker 5:Listen, after they did those experiments on me when I got sucked into that weird ship in the sky, my memory's a little foggy.
Speaker 1:What would you guys like to do now that you are in this alleyway? What's at the end of the alley? You can't see it because it goes so far.
Speaker 4:It's also dark, damn. Yeah, y'all want to walk down to the alleyway.
Speaker 2:I guess we will just continue down the alleyway until it suddenly reveals itself.
Speaker 1:Cool, as you continue down the alleyway, give another perception check golly, seven, 21, okay, 12, 12, okay, uh, you notice some more symbols. Uh, nothing like the ones up front, like the prime real estate this is. You're getting to the sections of the mall where these stores aren't going to last very long. You know they're just trying to make a name for themselves, but it's like the, the arm bands that are supposed to help keep you balanced. You know it's a scheme. So you see some more minor symbols of businesses and stuff and when you reach the end, you notice that there's a blank wall, but there is somebody, a huge person, standing right in front of it, like they're guarding something.
Speaker 4:A massive. Could we recognize what they are?
Speaker 1:Yes, it's an orc.
Speaker 4:It's an orc, a full orc. Yeah, massive orc.
Speaker 5:Do I know this massive gentleman? Give me a history check. Oh, looks like it. It looks like that's going to be a yes, that is a 21.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you don't know the person. That's a 21. Okay, so you don't know the person. However, you do know that he is essentially working for the head honcho. He is the guard for the person that runs this alleyway. That is the representation. You do not mess with that person.
Speaker 4:He reports everything that he sees to the underground boss. I look at the orc dude and I go look like it's gonna rain. Huh, we get the hell away from this big ass dude, because I I'm not trying with him today. He has a bit of a smell that could be me, it could be you.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I don't. I don't, I don't ascribe to consumer friendly so soaps.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that's what I was going to say, but I didn't want to just put that on you as our new friend, so I put it up in the air.
Speaker 5:Sorry for looking after my microbiomes.
Speaker 2:That is what you're doing, vance, just pulls out a piece of aluminum foil and just starts eating it.
Speaker 5:Scramble those signals, brother. You know how it goes.
Speaker 1:So you double back to the first symbol, which was the one that looked like the jewelry place that is the one that had the symbol that you recognize. It's calling me. When you approach, you see the two guards up front and they look up and they say well, what's your business here?
Speaker 4:I don't know. My business is whatever business is going on in here.
Speaker 1:Are you looking to buy or are you looking to sell A?
Speaker 4:little bit of both.
Speaker 1:Well, if it's a little bit of both, what do you have to sell what you got for me to buy? What the hell are we talking about right now? I just asked you what you're selling.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I'm asking what you're buying, what can I buy from you? I'm not going to sell you anything if I don't know if there's anything of interest for me to buy here. You want to know what I have, I'm shopping. You're not shopping. You're owning an establishment.
Speaker 1:I feel like we just completely walked past each other in this conversation.
Speaker 4:Do you have a menu?
Speaker 1:He goes, okay, listen.
Speaker 2:First of all, do you work here? You're outside the building. Yes, I'm very confused.
Speaker 4:Why would security, be selling me anything. Oh no, I don't work here, I just like to talk.
Speaker 1:I believe you. I believe you, excuse me, sir.
Speaker 2:This whole town needs to go through a customer service.
Speaker 5:Oh, you ran into old chatterbox, dave. Huh, yeah, you're right, fuck it.
Speaker 1:That's canon, you guys go in.
Speaker 5:Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1:He'll get, you can imagine, and give me arcana checks everybody.
Speaker 2:All right 17.
Speaker 4:Okay, 25. 24.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you notice that most of these give some kind of magical hue. These give some kind of magical hue and with the higher rolls you can tell that they kind of have them parceled out to be like certain schools of magic have different areas within the store. But, this is more magical items and jewelry than you've ever seen in a single place.
Speaker 4:Shopkeep around.
Speaker 1:Yes, there is an elderly man sitting at the desk and he hasn't said anything yet. He is just watching you.
Speaker 4:Well, boys, it looks like we got a couple hundred gold in our pocket that we ain't have to spend to get in here.
Speaker 2:Micah, I like how you still have all the money. I have like 13 gold to my name.
Speaker 4:I didn't spend any money.
Speaker 1:You've made money because you've sold stuff.
Speaker 4:I've sold things.
Speaker 2:I haven't got anything here to help. A little bit of wisdom, maybe charisma well, I mean we do you got any?
Speaker 1:hymns. We got any hymns like the underwear, is it?
Speaker 3:yeah, hashtag not sponsored, like the hair pills that's where he knows it from.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, get different advertisements.
Speaker 1:Because he's bald and I've got a massive hog.
Speaker 4:That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is. That doesn't work apparently.
Speaker 5:Excuse me, this is an absolute pork shoulder. I'm lugging around.
Speaker 4:I'm a little winded. I had to pee earlier.
Speaker 3:I'm going to have to regroup after that one.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to regroup after that one.
Speaker 4:I like how we all knew that thing for different reasons.
Speaker 3:Oh man, that's so funny.
Speaker 4:Absolute pork, shoulder you know the loin.
Speaker 5:It's boneless for now, for now.
Speaker 1:So he looks and he goes. Ah yes, gentlemen, God dang, I'm sorry, I'm still thinking.
Speaker 2:It's so funny I'm sweating now.
Speaker 1:Yes, Yep, he goes ah yes, gentlemen, we have jewelry of all sorts. Are you new in town? Yes, gentlemen, we have jewelry of all sorts.
Speaker 2:Are you new in town? Yeah, we're just traveling through and just trying to see what kind of works out there. There's a lot going on and, yeah, we're new in town.
Speaker 1:You notice, as you talk to him he kind of twists his head a little bit, almost like he's in a little bit of pain, and then he continues the conversation. He goes, goes well, uh, and he just kind of points out and he's just telling you like, over here we have some, uh, some conjuration items, over here we have some illusionary items can I do an insight check on that?
Speaker 1:like that neck thing yeah, do that little weird chiropractic thing from where you climb 21, 21 okay, uh, so you notice that that it was as you guys were entering he was watching and then, as you got closer, he started to wince a little bit and it was clearly a reaction of pain. You don't know what type of pain, but as you got closer he was reacting.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it wasn't a like yeah, we're new in town. He's like that's the symbol.
Speaker 1:Oh no, no, nothing like that. He genuinely was reacting in pain.
Speaker 4:Dude, I noticed that too. Yes, can I walk away? From him to the other side of the store and see if he still winces in pain when Vance gets close to him.
Speaker 1:So when you walk away and you get closer, he does not.
Speaker 4:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, sir, I'm going to yell over at the shopkeep Do you have any pyro enhancing items? I love a good fire.
Speaker 1:Well, we don't have too many specific enhancements for fire magic, but we do have a couple rings. And he points and it's a shelf to his right. I'm going to walk over close to him and say where exactly. As you get closer you notice that he's trying to fight it back, but it does hurt him again as you get closer. And he points to the shelf and there's two rings that have rubies on them, that are fire enhancing magic rings.
Speaker 4:Which one's your favorite?
Speaker 1:Oh, the magic that I tend to delve in isn't of that type. I'm more of an illusionist myself.
Speaker 4:I have the amulet in this pocket and I'm going to lean over the counter and ask him if I can check it out.
Speaker 1:Okay, as you lean over, he goes. Sir, please don't lean on the shelf and he goes. I'll be right back.
Speaker 2:Do you need some healing? Do you need a massage?
Speaker 1:Oh, I don't think the kind of healing that you offer will do me any good. And he goes into the back and in place is a younger lady that comes up to help attend, and he goes into the back.
Speaker 4:Hmm.
Speaker 2:Where was that?
Speaker 4:I think I might know what that was. Ma'am, how much is this ring?
Speaker 1:Ah yes, I would say. And then she kind of looks in her book and she goes about 70 gold 70 gold.
Speaker 4:Is that your father?
Speaker 1:Oh no. And then she just kind of looks and she goes I'm just an assistant, but she, she hesitates hmm, interesting, is he okay? Ah, yes, he's fine, he gets. Uh, he gets headaches huh and you guys can roll inside on that if you want. I got nat one 25 you you believe it you're like those are some sick-ass migraines 14. Both of you know it's not headaches. He's clearly reacting as Dolo gets closer.
Speaker 2:Do you think it's the shield? You have your shield emblem or the amulet.
Speaker 4:It's definitely the amulet, amulet okay, Well, I noticed it when I walked over. But she says he gets headaches. So what am I supposed to do? 70 gold? You say yes. Um, what if we did a bundle deal? Do you guys have like a bogo sell, like a buy to get one?
Speaker 1:we do. I mean, if you want to buy multiple things, I'm sure we can negotiate, we can negotiate, perfect.
Speaker 4:Hey, my friend, here's a cleric, if, if you want, he could probably check on his headaches.
Speaker 1:His affliction cannot be healed by clerics, Otherwise we would have handled it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, big pharma, right? No see. If you want, though, I've got a collection of root powders on me that I use.
Speaker 1:See, that sounds way more up our alley here. There we go.
Speaker 4:You do root healing. You do root healing, you do magic, I mean.
Speaker 5:I you a hoodwine. I kind of mash some stuff together. It seems to work out for me.
Speaker 1:He goes, she goes. Listen, if you would like to speak to him, you're more than welcome to. But, sir, you're going to have to stay out here. Yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 4:Hey, Vance, do me a favor. You look cold. You want to wear my jacket for a little while? Yeah, and I take off my jacket and I give it to Vance while they go walk back there to check on me.
Speaker 2:Do me a favor while you're here. Look at some wisdom. Boon any items that would boost the wisdom.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'll talk to this nice lady out here. I'll put together a bogo. Now, ma'am, I got 125 gold. What you want to do here? I 25 gold. What you want to do here? I want that ring. What else can you got? I want some smart stuff. I want some strong stuff. I want some mediocre stuff. He likes roots and powders and stuff. He's a new friend of mine, you got any like little weird snuff rings or anything like that.
Speaker 5:I don't need any jewelry. All right, I don't wear it.
Speaker 3:I don't want any trackers on me.
Speaker 4:You that's where they get you Wherever we go. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:He's got it. He knows what I'm talking about. You understand, right?
Speaker 2:You get it While you haggle you guys head to the back and I'm walking in the back like I'm eight years old, wearing my dad's smooch coat, because it's already a three-quarter length jacket on me. Yeah, definitely too long. It's dragging the ground. Yeah, I look like I'm floating.
Speaker 2:He looks like he's one of the little rascals in a jacket I gotta sneak into a movie later, but my my two dwarf buddies haven't shown up yet to stack on, so when, uh, when you walk in the back, you notice, and in a booming voice, only in the two of yours head, as soon as you cross that threshold, leave okay, hey, you all right but it sounded like it was in pain, so you can tell that it was coming from the old man hey, old, old man, why, why do you hurt?
Speaker 2:so I, I travel the lands, I try to do good and help.
Speaker 1:So and he goes. Whatever it is that you have on you that is causing this pain needs to stop.
Speaker 2:I have a sick-ass jacket on.
Speaker 1:Or we will deal with it.
Speaker 2:Alright, I just out of the back room. Your jacket just goes whew like back to you. Just throw it to you.
Speaker 4:Alright, I catch it and I look at her and I look back at the jacket. It seems like we've already reduced his pain dramatically. That's got to be worth another discount. Ah, okay All right. I thought you were going for information.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to help him.
Speaker 1:Yes, in the back, so we'll get back with you, dolo.
Speaker 2:It's a bit of a scientific method. You got to figure out what's going on to really eliminate some causes. Sorry about that.
Speaker 1:The lady looks at Dolo and goes well, if you want to leave your jacket out here, you're more than welcome to speak to him as well.
Speaker 4:No, I'm good.
Speaker 1:And I put my jacket back on. Yeah, that's how they get all the jewelry, hey, uh. So when you make it back, uh, you notice that he's sitting at a desk going through some papers and he has a bunch of jewelry around him. Uh, and when you enter, the door shuts and locks behind you oh, we're didn't like that yeah um it's one of those parties.
Speaker 5:That's not good, oh all right. Well, it's either going to go real good or real bad. Yeah, he hits a little button under his desk.
Speaker 1:It's getting real creepy.
Speaker 5:Oh, that's okay, I don't like that.
Speaker 1:Nobody has an under desk button, for good reasons unless it's a bank.
Speaker 2:Do you see lights dim and music start to play? Yeah, just baby lotion.
Speaker 5:Oh, okay, well, hey, still open for suggestion here.
Speaker 1:No, he does lock the door with magic and he goes. What could you two gentlemen possibly have to do with me, and why are you bringing necrotic magic into my store?
Speaker 5:Listen, I just met these guys, but I saw a guy in pain. I want to help out if I can.
Speaker 2:That's kind of why I'm back here.
Speaker 1:And he goes. The one type of magic we do not deal with here is necrotic. So if you're trying to peddle necrotic magic here, you can leave.
Speaker 2:I don't believe we are.
Speaker 1:I found that in a cave and then he looks puzzled and he goes to the south of here yeah and then he goes back and he starts writing in his book again and he goes what, what, what, what could any of you want here? Like what brings you here?
Speaker 2:uh, well, originally I was gonna get some pastries because we need to talk to somebody, uh, and I always like to start off on a good foot, so I was like we'll go down to the docks see if they have like a day old crispy creams or anything like that. Uh and uh. Then we met that guy hey and uh, and now we're just kind of in here, so we're figuring it out as we go.
Speaker 1:So you're just a few gentlemen traveling around in the slums of Kerr Hill with contraband, necrotic goods. Hey, are you a cop?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it turns out. Yes, we're like the freeform jazz travelers.
Speaker 5:Don't tell them too much now, okay.
Speaker 1:Because you might be a cop Are you a cop, I'm not a cop.
Speaker 5:Oh sure.
Speaker 1:However, I don't necessarily want to be caught in the situation where a Fed does show up with banned goods. And I'm not talking about the banned goods that they're okay making it to the politicians.
Speaker 5:You're talking about the real crazy stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the no trial execution type shit oh all right, spicy, I like it. Then you can get the hell out of my store. Oh sorry.
Speaker 5:I thought we were vibing there for a second.
Speaker 1:No, no no, you get that necrotic shit out of here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it dates over there, Don't worry about it. So why does it affect you so?
Speaker 1:Well, I, thinking that it was a good idea many years ago, thought, oh, I could keep away and just do the normal illegal stuff if I gave myself a condition to where, if necrotic magic gets around me, I can detect it. So it causes me pain the closer it gets to me. Oh interesting, so it's kind of like drinking yourself out of a liquor you know what. Yeah, but that's way sadder, oh.
Speaker 5:Jesus Christ man.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 5:We all live the life, don't worry about it. Hey listen, I'm not here to yuck anybody's yum dude.
Speaker 2:Okay, I just want to make sure you aren't in an ailment or cursed or anything like that. I just want to make sure.
Speaker 1:No, but if you are looking to deal with necrotic magic, then I do know of a place that you can go, especially if you're trying to get rid of it.
Speaker 2:I yeah, I think we are.
Speaker 1:He goes my assistant out there. She works for Silva, which I'm going to say Dudley, you definitely know who that is. Yeah, I know that person, the person at the end of the hallway that works for the head honcho.
Speaker 5:Yeah, biggin, that's Silva. Biggin works for Silva. Yeah, that's Silva.
Speaker 1:Silva is a name that is not spoken lightly. Sure, because if you say anything wrong then you're not going to last very long he goes. I know an associate of Silva that deals specifically in these goods. They used to not, they are now acquiring them, so I'm not sure why, but if you would like, my assistant out there can get you in contact with Silva.
Speaker 2:Would you be able to tell us what it is?
Speaker 1:I could not. I don't deal with necrotic magic. All I know is that it is an incredibly strong necrotic magic Because normally when it's in my presence it's more of just like when you get an itch it's not really pain.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But the moment the three of you entered this store, it was a pain shooting up my spine.
Speaker 2:Do you know anyone that we can go uh talk to to get this identified?
Speaker 1:that way, we uh we know what we're doing well, that would be well before him because like before silva, yeah, before her yeah her, yeah, sorry, I am problematic no, no you're not from the town, it's no big deal it's no big deal I. I had a. Uh, never mind, I was gonna go off on a tangent.
Speaker 2:It wasn't worth it it was misogynistic of me to think the big person in charge was a man, that's my fault. I have a lot of unlearning to do. I'm working on it.
Speaker 1:Oh, you're digging yourself into this hole. Yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:I mean you should be allowed to admit when you're wrong.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, Because then you don my associate out there would be able to get you in contact with some of Silva's workers, All right, or she might be able to help herself, but without me acknowledging it, she will pretend like she's just my assistant. Silva really keeps keeps a tab on things Every, every single store. Just be careful Every store that you're in will probably have a Silva employee just posing as a shopkeep to make sure that nothing like this does happen.
Speaker 2:Alright, cool. So you two aren't dating or anything?
Speaker 1:No, we cut to this assistant talking to Dolo.
Speaker 4:I'm leaned in on her like, alright, so check it out, baby girl, I'm gonna just do she goes.
Speaker 1:Before you say anything, I have to ask what's in that jacket?
Speaker 4:me of course I mean, if you want me out of the jacket, I can be out of the jacket oh, she leans in, she goes I want you out of that jacket.
Speaker 1:Nah, you don't want me out of this tell you what I come out of everything but this jacket. How you feel about that? I would rather you keep everything on but that jacket yeah, that's probably true, and the way the way that she's saying it is getting more like demanding like I. You're gonna need to take that jacket off I know that you say jack it off.
Speaker 4:I like the way you say that that's just something about the way you say it. I like it. Something about the way you say it. I like it All right. So, look, this is what I want. I like that pearl necklace over there. I could hook you up with one too, but I like that one over there. And I really like this ruby ring right here. And is that a jade belt buckle with a dragon on it?
Speaker 1:Sir, give me your fucking jacket. I tell you what. Or look, you can keep the jacket, just give me whatever is in it. That's causing that old man.
Speaker 4:Oh no, I can't give you that. I could leave as soon as you give me the discount we talked about for the three items I'm asking for.
Speaker 5:Well, I can asking for.
Speaker 1:Well, I can give you.
Speaker 4:Or I got a third option. What if I burn this motherfucker down and I take everything I can before you can grab me?
Speaker 1:She sets a wand on the table and she goes. Oh shit, the safety's off on it too.
Speaker 2:Hammer's back.
Speaker 1:And she goes. Honestly, sir, it would be interesting to see you try.
Speaker 4:I knew I liked you. I knew it. What's your name? That doesn't matter it does matter.
Speaker 1:How about this? If we're haggling, you give me your fucking jacket and I will tell you my name.
Speaker 4:No, we're not haggling, and I'm going to be nice and I'm not going to call you out your name. So here's what we're going to do. That's your wand, and when I point at it, I light that motherfucker on fire. It doesn't work.
Speaker 2:At this point we come out the back and I'm like. Dolo careful we shouldn't be fucking, oh no.
Speaker 5:Oh, wow. If only you'd been a fly on the wall, brother.
Speaker 2:Hey, we're just goofing.
Speaker 5:He's just a goofy guy, we're just playing around, okay.
Speaker 2:Come on, you like that thing he did. It was goof.
Speaker 1:Oh, so I can have what's in the jacket. No, oh, we didn't say that. I don't even know these guys.
Speaker 2:Ironically though, yeah yeah, first of all, we just met him today. Don't throw him under the bus. Uh, oh, thank you appreciate that uh, but yeah, we uh. We're new in town nice to meet you uh, vance, I go to shake her hand she doesn't reach out. Nice to meet you, good, um, well, actually we're trying to figure out what that is, and we were working our way on the way to your boss, so that actually is pretty convenient and I go.
Speaker 4:so that wand there, that's yours. It seems pretty strong, it looks familiar. Do I recognize her wand at all?
Speaker 1:Give me a history check, but probably not.
Speaker 2:And the goodly gentleman in the back did say we get a three item discount, so we gotta keep that in mind during all this. Where did we land with that plus two wisdom?
Speaker 1:ring. I don't think any of you have realized I don't fucking work here. I'm more of a glorified bodyguard. To figure out what that?
Speaker 4:is yeah, you like the dudes outside.
Speaker 1:No, I actually do work here, not here, but here. You get it Like in the area man. You get weirder and weirder by the minute.
Speaker 4:I swear.
Speaker 1:The old man's voice goes Elf, please step to the back of the room.
Speaker 2:He named her Elf. That's fucking crazy.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, he's talking to you. Oh you Sorry.
Speaker 2:He's got a name. I didn't get it.
Speaker 4:He ain't gonna get it neither. What's up, you want me to go back there with him?
Speaker 1:No, no, Back to the door Because he's trying to come out and talk but, it causes him physical harm.
Speaker 2:I thought he was summoning. I was like that's a bold move, or just suddenly racist against elves Out of nowhere.
Speaker 4:Well, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to look with her, take my little gold satchel and I'm going to toss it over to Vance and I'm going to just slide out the door and I'm going to wink at her as I leave and I catch it.
Speaker 2:Everything he does is all cool and cinematic and so it's like a cool toss and then I catch it by like oh shit. Got it, didn't drop it.
Speaker 1:Got it. So when you step to the back of the elderly man comes out and he looks at her and he goes listen, whatever amulet or I guess he doesn't know, it's an amulet whatever magical item that they have I think would be of great interest to Silva I I do believe that it should be addressed to her if you could make that happen. And then she looks and she stares you down and she goes.
Speaker 4:Okay, we shall head to silva.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I knew you was leaving with me girl, come on.
Speaker 2:And that's where we're ending the episode and I turn back like I have some things I'd like to buy thank you everybody for watching.
Speaker 1:uh, my name is tyler and I've been your DM and to my right, oh, I'm.
Speaker 4:Brian Petrie, aka Dolan Sedrin. Dolan Sedrin, dolan.
Speaker 1:Sedrin.
Speaker 4:You can find me at all things, Brian Petrie Comedy. Yo appreciate y'all for watching.
Speaker 2:Hi everybody, I'm Tyson Cox. I was Van's Ironside, I'm a stand-up comedian and, if you like this show, we have monthly one the first Wednesday of the month at Planet of the Tapes in Louisville and then the second Tuesday of the month at the White Rabbit Cabaret and we are at, I think, gen Con is probably a good time to start promoting this now.
Speaker 1:Yeah probably.
Speaker 2:So yeah, check us out at Gen Con. We're doing a bunch of live shows.
Speaker 1:Six live shows total, three stand-up, two variety show two Monster Monster, something like that. Yeah, we'll get you days and times as soon as they let us know, yeah. And then, last and certainly not least, our wonderful guest.
Speaker 5:Hey Joe Yeberling I have been Dudley Wayne Budley.
Speaker 3:Louisville, kentucky, a stand-up performer and comedian sometimes. So if you're ever in Louisville, check me out at Mr Yeberling on Instagram and thank you all for having me on. This was a great time and thanks for listening.
Speaker 2:Shout out to the Crit Show for.