Monster Monster
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Monster Monster
Eldrichville Ep 17 - Bonetown Showdown
What happens when a party turns into a battle against time-bending cultists and bony adversaries? Join us as we navigate a city in chaos, where Tyler Waltz as Ekrem the shadow sorcerer and Tyson Cox as Chester Blackfield the charming fighter, bring their characters to life. Amidst the turmoil, we're aided by the formidable Kaga the Blood Axe, who makes a dramatic entrance to confront a monstrous foe. With the city under siege by a cult hell-bent on attacking the lair of a fearsome time dragon, our adventure is packed with unexpected twists, strategic battles, and a sprinkle of humor to keep things lively.
Prepare for a rollercoaster of a session as our heroes face challenges that range from reality-rewriting cultists to a fierce bone monster. The unpredictability of tabletop role-playing shines through as Ekrem and Chester engage in creative combat, employing everything from prestidigitation to impressive switcheroo moves. It's not just about the battles, though. Our characters find themselves in humorous exchanges about tactics and spell usage, all while trying to avoid the chaos of magical surges. This episode captures the camaraderie and quick thinking essential to surviving the unpredictable nature of Dungeons & Dragons.
But the adventure doesn't stop with the gaming table. We’re excited to share updates about our incredible community and upcoming live shows, all made possible by our supportive listeners. A special shoutout goes to Robert Schmaubert, our master editor-in-chief, whose work helps bring these moments to life. Keep an ear out for our humorous behind-the-scenes banter and the light-hearted approach to even the most intense of battles. With surprises at every turn, this session promises a thrilling mix of suspense, strategy, and laughter, making it an episode you won't want to miss.
I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll, I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll, I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll At 20 on that troll.
Speaker 2:Hit that shit like real. Welcome to Monster. Monster, a real play Dungeons Dragons show featuring comedians as your favorite lovable characters. I'm your Dungeon Master, cavan Eggleston. Today I'm joined by Tyler Waltz.
Speaker 1:I will be playing Ekrem, the shadow sorcerer who wants to destroy dark with dark.
Speaker 3:Ooh, a little black noir over there, huh. Hi, I'm Tyson Cox and I'll be playing Chester Blackfield just a lovable punch guy with no hair and a mustache.
Speaker 2:So yourself, but he grew a mustache. So yourself with a mustache, but he grew a mustache. Yeah, he's better than me. Yeah, very much a fantasy character, you can grow facial hair.
Speaker 3:People like him.
Speaker 2:It's crazy oh I kind of got sad hey robert, can you put in the the hulk walking away music from the old tv?
Speaker 3:show legally distinct. Hulk walking away. Sad music yeah I wasn't gonna say anything.
Speaker 1:I'm not a. I don't fight the truth very often, so yeah, sometimes darkness is inside you all along.
Speaker 2:Uh, all right, on our last episode, you folks had managed to save the fey dragon. Uh, that was an anchor to the city. One and one, yeah, a 50 rate. We are shack at the free throw line. That's a relevant reference. In 2024.
Speaker 2:Um, you guys have managed to do this, uh, as you had emerged from the feywild, teleported there by the magics of the dragon. Uh, you find a city in chaos. The uh cult, in its kind of impotent rage and fury at being thwarted, has now launched an all-out assault seeking to break one of the final anchors, the person that or the creature that is responsible for holding together the city itself. They have begun their assault on the lair of the time dragon, the lore worm that is your patron and benefactor. You manage to navigate the city, saving a few civilians and meeting Pewter's cousin, and from there you manage to make your way to the Lore Worm's mansion.
Speaker 2:You found yourself at the gates, where you were greeted by Kaga, the Blood Axe. The defenses of the manor are holding for the moment. You see cultist wizards, warlocks, spellcasters fighting against magical wards, and just sheer numbers are on their side. It feels like um, at the top of the stairway, a figure stands alone against the cultists. Uh, a massive axe swinging between them, uh, gore flying through the air. You see the hulking form of kaga, the blood axe, uh, as she cleaves through cultists. You two, you two took your sweet time getting here hey, hiro, it's good to see you kaga.
Speaker 3:Oh man, we gotta do more cardio bud.
Speaker 1:Oh actually quick little side note. We leveled up between last session. Are we doing like skyrim rules or am I still at 11 hp?
Speaker 2:you leveled up. Uh, I'll let you. I'll let you the magic of the feywild he breathed on you. Okay, thank god, because I had two spell slots left.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that'd be so fun and 11 hp.
Speaker 1:So I'm like cocky, you're gonna have to do a lot of heavy lifting on this one.
Speaker 2:I got my shit pushed in yeah, I do every time you guys are. You know, I think the lore worm keeps you guys around as a joke that's fine, it's all right.
Speaker 3:She had a girlfriend like that once. You had a wife like that? Yeah, that's true. I didn't have a wife. I was never married common law anyways.
Speaker 2:uh, she, it cuts through. Uh, colt is kind of clearing a path for you and she's like come in, she's waiting for you. All right, go ahead and give me perception. Checks there, gentlemen, okay.
Speaker 3:Perception check.
Speaker 1:Not the best 10. Oh, better than that, 12.
Speaker 2:All right, we got some C-plus students in this room today she's getting degrees baby.
Speaker 2:You see Kaga again, just her kind of workman-like clothing is covered in blood and ichor from these cultists and their creations, icor from these cultists and their creations. And in her hand is not that plain axe that you remember. She was a person that values practicality over ornamentation. The axe she had was very boring but efficient. Now in her hand is one that almost seems formed out of obsidian and a blood-like crystal. She wields it deftly, cleaving cultists in twain as she throws open the door with one hand. This massive, two-handed axe she just wields like a child would wield a toy. You enter the chamber, you see animated servants, armors, rushing around, kind of going to bolster defenses. You hear the sounds of scuffles happening on different floors. The area around you is bathed in kind of a dim red light, like almost like this place is in battle stations and we're running with her right now, yeah, she slams the door behind it's a nice axe, it's pretty good.
Speaker 3:It's new, is it?
Speaker 2:new you don't get a name like the blood axe without some backing it up.
Speaker 1:Yeah I'm gonna be completely honest with you. I was a bit suspicious because it's like, oh, weird cult, now you've got a weird blood axe, but I never really thought about your name, so that's kind of on me.
Speaker 2:Well, everyone thinks it's a family name. She's like give the Montauk blood axes. But no, it's one you earn.
Speaker 3:Oh Well, then how'd I get Blackfield?
Speaker 2:Awkward pause. She's like how did he? What's your name? Chester Blackfield? Oh well, actually. She's like I did some research, some genealogy you were actually Dookie Pit and then your family changed it when they moved to the city.
Speaker 3:That's good, that was for the best. Yeah, that way I can get a loan.
Speaker 1:Yeah there's people dying.
Speaker 2:We should go no, we've got time to explore this uh, what's yours, ekram?
Speaker 4:do you even have a last name?
Speaker 1:I don't it's just all I've ever been known by is ekram dark edged man it could be dark, edging man no no, no, I'm chester Goon.
Speaker 2:She leads you through there Again. As you kind of go through these hallways, you actually never noticed that this place it's designed to have natural choke points and places for people to kind of set up ambushes like this. While it looked like this kind of library, you realize it's been set up to be heavily fortified, like a very defensible position. The lore worm literally has the embodiment of time, nothing but time to prepare for this stuff. So she leads you deeper into the library until you uh emerge to the central area where you first met uh, your patron.
Speaker 2:You see the uh lore room, this kind of long-armed majestic, long-limbed majestic creature. Uh, a glowing crown of uh bony horn wraps around her head and the a gem rests in the center glowing. She is kind of doing the minority report thing with magical like defenses, just manipulating where automatons are going, where uh defenses are, where spells are being cast, and it's just almost visual hologram of the manor grounds is being projected in front of her as she moves these things around. Oh, thank you, you two are first off. Well done, much better this time around.
Speaker 3:Practice makes perfect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I told you, the first round was learning. We're good now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I'm proud of you. This is one of the more successful times we've had. This. I have good feelings. Is it the most successful? Look, let's not.
Speaker 3:Take a win. Take a win when we get it. Take a win when we get it.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and give me an insight check there. Ekrem Survey says three. You know what you were like, Gold star. Ekrem this one's going in diary today. She fiddles about With some things and she goes. We have Breaches on the third, fifth and sixth floor.
Speaker 3:Gentlemen, I hate to not give you, uh, your rest or your respite, but uh we leveled up, it's fine yeah, we got sneezed on by a green dragon we're good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're fine I have so many questions, but you know what I'm not going to choose to examine any of this. Would you kindly go out and rid my house of these unwanted guests of course you got it so do we need to split up?
Speaker 1:kaga on one floor, me on one floor and you on one floor. That should work out fine.
Speaker 2:I've never had any problems with that how do you guys want to do this? Uh, I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1:uh, kaga just kind of looks at you guys and she's like I don't want to do that, kaga just kind of looks at you guys and is just like third or sixth, which one has more important stuff to protect?
Speaker 3:Can we do third, this last stairs. Can we do third?
Speaker 2:Wait is there an elevator? No yeah, can we do stairs. Third, what's an elevator?
Speaker 3:Is there a?
Speaker 2:There's a chute. Do you want to take the shoot? No, I'll take third uh, so she's, she's gonna head up to the sixth floor. Uh guys, go ahead and give me uh, I'm just gonna say a dumb luck check yeah, you said third, fifth and sixth.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, but kaga didn't say fifth floor, huh huh 14 14. You said dumb luck.
Speaker 2:Yeah, both of us are just one I'll let you do both and I'll just do an average 18, okay we dummy thick with luck. Yeah, not smarts, but we made it uh, you guys make your way up to the third floor. Chester, give me a constitution check to see how winded you are, big guy.
Speaker 1:Ekrem got a six.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're fine you never, made it canonical that you don't exercise.
Speaker 1:More of a brain guy, yeah 16.
Speaker 2:Okay, you muster like you get your second wind action.
Speaker 2:He's my action series to climb stairs I mean, I've been there, you do what you gotta sometimes. Uh, all right, you guys uh arrive in the landing. You see um again. You see in front of you just kind of a a herd of cultists that they're kind of rampaging between rooms um tossing things. They seem to be searching for something. But uh, go ahead and give me um. I'll let you say either like a perception or an insight check. I'll let you make your choice there if you want to, if you want to see if you can figure out what they're looking for, or if you want to see if you they seem to have intentions. I guess it matters. 13, 13 what you're gonna do.
Speaker 2:An insider perception perception okay, and what about you, ekram? Zero that's a nat one minus one because I decided insight okay yeah, you just look at the, you're like help, we don't know that they weren't already here. Maybe these aren't cultists yeah, why is?
Speaker 3:the staff being rowdy oh no it's like we need to clean your bookshelf. You take everything off and you're like I regret this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, bad judgment call on my end. I was like he's got perception, I'll do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no it's like you were like, uh, I'm gonna alphabetize these, but then you forgot the alphabet. You're like wait a minute, there's numbers here now. Uh, all right, with the 13 and perception. Uh, this seems to not be particularly aimless. They're looking for something, though you're not sure if you could figure out whether it's valuables or, uh, like something hey necessary. Uh okay, one of the cult. You shout hey to one of the cultists. Point okay, we could have been sneaky.
Speaker 1:You point uh, you just say hey yeah when he does that, can I react and try and hide?
Speaker 2:yeah, I'll let you take a hide action while he's shouting hey. So they're just like it's the one guy, yeah.
Speaker 1:Even Kago hid for some reason.
Speaker 4:Kago went to a different floor.
Speaker 1:So that is a 23.
Speaker 2:23. You are very hidden in this kind of dimly lit I mean it's still this red kind of glow, um, so there's plenty of places for you to hide.
Speaker 3:cool, uh, these cultists turn I go you stop and you put all that stuff back. You're making a hell of a mess. Or we're gonna kick your or I'm gonna kick your ass all right, they look, they're just gonna.
Speaker 2:There's just just one guy, just just one.
Speaker 1:Oh, we can got a three intimidation check wow ready in action to throw a dagger you sure? Can and are you gonna be nice enough to let me have it be a shadow dagger, or am I just you can cast a spell you're not an initiative. Nice, because it is a bonus. So I'll go ahead and do my shadow dagger and as soon as they start to even try and jump on Chester, I'm throwing the first one.
Speaker 2:Okay. Is that a save on their part to get hit, or is it an?
Speaker 1:attack. It's a two-hit on my end.
Speaker 2:Okay, All right, so I'll let you have advantage when you do that too, because you're Cultists. Step out of the room. You see five of them, but behind them, this creature that seems to be a misshapen bone, all kind of held together with dark magic and inky tendrils of shadow. Uh, one giant claw of bone digs into the floor as it pulls itself into the hallway that you stand.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's not going to buff out.
Speaker 2:It chitters at you just like a clacking skull, like the teeth.
Speaker 1:That's what I want to throw the dagger at. I was thinking cultist, but now that one's priority number one.
Speaker 2:The head cultist, the one that's leading this group.
Speaker 3:He's got a bigger hat on yeah.
Speaker 2:No, it's a pope situation. You can always tell in a cult Ooh sorry Catholics. You can always tell who's the most important based on the headwear. You see one guy wearing a football helmet and he's just like I mean, I'm not powerful, but I'm prepared.
Speaker 3:That's my kind of guy. Hey, you want to get a beer after all? This is done.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that'd be nice. I'm going to be honest with you. I really came to these for the pie and the punch and then they started saying, like we're gonna rewrite reality, and I was like, but does it care where? About the pie?
Speaker 2:well, you're in luck because I brought the punch and I cocked my arms all right, give me a persuasion check, just see if you can make him rethink his life ekram's in the corner Rethinking his life.
Speaker 1:He's like I'm gonna let him coach 16.
Speaker 4:He's like hey, you guys, I he has puns I.
Speaker 1:He cocks his arms Akram's like Damn.
Speaker 2:I love Henry.
Speaker 4:Cavill yeah.
Speaker 2:That guy's like, his mustache gets bigger.
Speaker 4:He just kinda.
Speaker 2:You can just see him Shrinking in the back. You just like One of the cults.
Speaker 4:He's like call me, call me after this. If you're not dead and they're not dead, you know, we'll meet up, we'll find a way.
Speaker 3:Someone's going to die.
Speaker 2:All right Go ahead, and roll initiative, gentlemen.
Speaker 1:Do I get my dagger through? Yes, to start the fight. Yeah, that was a uh 12 plus 5, so 17.
Speaker 2:All right, that sinks into this bony boy okay and it dies.
Speaker 3:That's crazy. So good, tyler, you killed it? I sure hope so.
Speaker 4:It's super dead, I just casted it did I say that, yeah, no, did I narrate that?
Speaker 1:you also said we leveled up and it was full of gold. So that's 12 psychic damage.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 1:And four piercing damage from the dagger. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Fantastic. Your dagger sinks into this thing. You hear it sink into that flesh and it doesn't react.
Speaker 1:There is no residual psychic effect on this, Is it like?
Speaker 2:oh my brain. No, there is no residual psychic effect on this brain. No, uh, this thing is just animated by hate and malice and uh, calcium wasted a spell slot.
Speaker 4:That sounds like no, you dealt for piercing damage you got you.
Speaker 2:You know you take a w where you get a w. Big guy learned yeah, yeah yeah, what did we learn?
Speaker 1:To now kill the cultists? So because their brain's alert.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:Oh, I scream too fast.
Speaker 1:Switching targets is the lesson.
Speaker 2:All right, go ahead and roll. Initiative gentlemen All right, five. God, I don't want to say this is not going great for you guys, role wise, but I've seen better.
Speaker 1:Natural one.
Speaker 3:Oh no, it's the animated armor. All over again it is.
Speaker 1:Oh God, gentlemen, so technically a three because I have a plus two to my dex. So take that cultists.
Speaker 3:I just feel that like you threw the knife and you're a little off balance, I'm just like where the hell did that knife come from?
Speaker 1:Oh God, or I'm just real disappointed in the life.
Speaker 3:I'm like dang it.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:Man, that was a lot of buildup for fucking nothing.
Speaker 2:I did not anticipate that going poorly.
Speaker 3:I was really With us, you know.
Speaker 2:I had my hopes up for you, gentlemen. I honestly, I honestly did.
Speaker 3:We've been on a hot streak lately, so yeah, no.
Speaker 2:Honestly, they were like are these the? Same guys that were in the Feywild. That married guy he was like Not married, he was real mad. I saw him shoot a ballista at a group of mages.
Speaker 1:But also you make the world no, I do mostly psychic damage and then put a creature immune to psychic damage. So it is your fault.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm the bad guy here. No, that's fine.
Speaker 1:You are literally the bad guy. You're a lot of the good guys, but right now he's got you there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I Fair, you know, we'll just go fair.
Speaker 3:Yeah, DMs love getting pedantically needled.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Historically, it's never gone bad for a player.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're always the hero, so We'll remember that.
Speaker 2:Anyways, this thing rushes forward at you, just these claws just tearing at the ground as it just kind of Scooby-Doo runs at you a little bit Like terrifying. Scooby-doo runs at you a little bit like terrifying Scooby-Doo Chester me. Oh you know, you're not hidden anymore you threw a knife at it. I did uh. All right, so it is going to go ahead and, uh, take two swipes at Chester and then launch at him with a mouthful of bony fangs. Alright, that is a 16. Does that hit?
Speaker 3:Miss Fangs level up 27.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Holy shit 19.
Speaker 4:Yep.
Speaker 1:Alright, right, go ahead, make a uh constitution saving throw I think I have a plus eight to hit yeah okay, because I was like it didn't crit, because you would have said crit, yeah uh 16, 16, okay, roll 10, I got good con meets beats, uh, all right.
Speaker 2:So, uh, you shake off. You feel, uh, this venom sink into your bones, but you uh feel that surge of that feywild magic kind of purify you at the same time. You're gonna go ahead and take oh boy, that's a lot of dice, tyson. Uh, that always feels good when the DM says that, right, always so good, 15., 17. Or 21. You're going to take 22 points of piercing damage as everything slams into you.
Speaker 3:Hey, that's bad. That hurts a lot. I don't know if you guys knew that you said 20. How long?
Speaker 2:22 piercing damage 22 piercing damage.
Speaker 3:There's just a tooth in my neck.
Speaker 2:I'm like we got this Akram, Then the bones fall apart and collectively are drugged behind you in the tendrils and it reforms behind you.
Speaker 4:Hmm.
Speaker 3:Well, my pants are shit.
Speaker 2:Ekram used prestidigitation, just didn't tell him yeah, double shit his pants you were going to like, as a goof make his pants shit and then he actually shit them and you're like oh, this is mean, this is now a mean goof.
Speaker 4:I can't fit my fake poop in there, because all the real poop uh, all right, uh, the cultists are gonna charge at you.
Speaker 3:12 miss 12. Yes, 16 miss 16? Miss 22.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, well, you know what these guys are softer Five points of piercing damage as one of their daggers sinks under your armor.
Speaker 3:Get him buddy All right, I'm warning you guys, you knock it off.
Speaker 2:Yeah man, all right, I'm warning you guys, you knock it off. Yeah man, maybe we should have backed up our initiative roles before we uh got into the whole like talking shit at the cultist thing.
Speaker 3:that's kind of what he does yeah, all right, chester, it is your turn uh, I am going to go ahead and uh, so you said the creature is right behind me, okay, okay, I'm just going to turn around and, as a bonus action, use Mr Wait. Yeah, we'll do that. We'll do Mr Action on it as a bonus action.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:It needs to make a DC 15 save Intelligent save.
Speaker 2:Okay, Well seven.
Speaker 3:Does seven do it? No, no, no. Seven is definitely lower than 15. And now it is a failure. They must spend their reaction to attack a creature of your choice within five feet of them. If no other creature are present within five feet, they waste the reaction.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 3:I'd like to do that just by kind of like stepping out of the way, kind of like pushing the cultist where I was standing so you just do kind of like a uh, that switcheroo, like you just turn and grab him yeah, yeah. When I turn around, I just lift the cultist in front of me, I just turn around 180 degrees and set him down all right, yeah, this thing's uh with it behind you.
Speaker 2:It goes to kind of like take a swipe uh at you.
Speaker 3:That are that claw-like arm, almost like scything at you and you just sidestep and turn that cultist into the way and you just watch it get cleaved yeah, oh, can I just do the thing where, like it's yeah, I didn't know it's gonna cleave at me. It cleaves, I just duck and it just cuts the guy right behind me and half.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure Ah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you like cartoon duck you. Just as you pop back up, you look at that cultist and he's just giving you that blank like and then the head slowly slides off.
Speaker 3:He's just like why'd you do this?
Speaker 2:Slurp All right, oh hell. Yeah, that's cool, it's strong as hell. Yeah, that's dope, especially for dumb bone boys.
Speaker 3:Yeah just making him clean up the cultists for me, then I'm just going to go ahead and take a couple of swings, does a 18 hit.
Speaker 2:Who are you striking at?
Speaker 3:Oh, the creature Creature, yeah an 18 will hit Second attack, a non-natural 20. Okay, cool. So first round of damage is 10. Second is 11. 22 damage.
Speaker 2:Okay, and then that's magical. So you see, it's having an effect.
Speaker 3:Nice Hell yeah.
Speaker 1:But not psychic magical because fuck me, I guess.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm just going to go on the record here. If you saw a skeleton coming at you, would you be like? I bet I can hurt its feelings to death.
Speaker 1:Well, psychic, I think could also be like I disrupted its connection to the plane, you know.
Speaker 2:Oh, is that that's what you think? Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yes to the plane. You know just, oh, is that that's what you think? Okay, yeah, I'm not. Yes, yeah, I'm not gonna think. Man, I hope this doesn't fucking work.
Speaker 2:Uh, I do. Every time you do something I'm like I hope this does not work. Um, all right, go ahead and roll a 2d20s for your. Uh, wild magic surge, fisty punchy boy. Uh six and seven okay, nothing happens, but you do feel, uh, that surge. Now that you've been to the feywild, you feel it as like the you very much know. This is connected to that plane of life and emotion. Ekram, what would you like to do?
Speaker 1:I'll, uh, I'll be realizing that the whole psychic dagger thing didn't work on the thing and I'll just go fine and I'll, I'll just like akram's real upset about that yeah is it akram or tyler?
Speaker 2:we're really having to just have to separate art from artist.
Speaker 1:Here I just saw my buddy get like hurt real bad. He's doing pretty good over there still, but my big plan didn't pay off, so akram is definitely disappointed he prides himself as a bit of a strategist.
Speaker 3:Big plan Throw dagger.
Speaker 1:Psychic dagger from the shadows. It's my theme, it's my thing.
Speaker 2:From the shadows. You do hear in your ear you shut the fuck up you just hear it breathe in.
Speaker 1:You're like you shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm not.
Speaker 2:no, oh oh, is this a bad time? I'm sorry. This felt like a bad. This felt like a moment you might need my help.
Speaker 1:It's never a good time.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I'll call you. Is that easier? Is that better?
Speaker 2:I'll be here waiting.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:Your shadow self is just like man.
Speaker 1:I'm standing in the corner like yeah, yeah, Just like hand gestures, talking to nobody.
Speaker 2:Chester's like, surrounded by cultists, got hit by a big skeleton guy and you're just, he's like. Hey, I didn't think he was going to be the one that lost it.
Speaker 1:Um so I will snap my fingers and, like Brad Pitt and once upon a time in Hollywood, just go. And then my dog, a hound of ill omen, will attack the skeleton thing. Okay, um, that's a bonus action.
Speaker 3:I know the dog is supposed to be scary, but the hell of Ill Omen, I just think he's got a sideways hat and sunglasses it does.
Speaker 2:It also sounds like Approaches playing Limp Bizkit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it does feel like you could flavor it as a white rapper in the 90s that's like no Eminem did it, I can too.
Speaker 4:That dog's cool as hell.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they call me the hound ill omen okay, I live in spulman pullman. I like ramen.
Speaker 1:That's a slant rhyme, emily dickinson uh, so because chester's there, it has pack tactics okay. So with an advantage, it got a 19 to hit, okay, and you have called a dog to fight a bone monster.
Speaker 2:That dog you just see, the happiest hound of ill omen um, and that is 10 piercing damage from the bite.
Speaker 1:Okay, um, and then it has to make a strength saving throw or be pinned, needs to pass a 13, jesus.
Speaker 2:Okay, this thing actually has really good strength and that sucked it got a 14. Oh damn.
Speaker 1:Okay, cowabummer, and then for my action, I will use my shadow dagger and throw it at one of the cultists.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead and make that attack roll.
Speaker 1:And that was a 17 on the dice, so I'm guessing that hits a cultist.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're wearing robes, and then wearing robes, and then that's 2d8 plus psychic. Uh, yes, okay, damn that dagger hits, he goes. Oh, there's definitely.
Speaker 1:I feel it in my brain yeah, fuck you. Uh, that was two uh ones on my d8, so two psychic damage, golly.
Speaker 4:So definitely not oh, I didn't feel it in my brain as bad as I thought, but luckily, the piercing damage from the dagger also a one on the dice.
Speaker 3:So that's three piercing damage this guy's just like.
Speaker 1:It's like when you have to sneeze but don't so three piercing, two psychic, and then the hound of ill omen will now be relentlessly attacking the bone monster okay, fantastic, uh, that brings us back up to the top of the order.
Speaker 2:The bone monster chester, go ahead and make a grapple or, I'm sorry, uh, an athletics check how does this thing have high strength if it has no muscles?
Speaker 1:if I can't hurt its fucking brain with psychic 10, 3 plus 7 10 hey I don't know man, what do you want here?
Speaker 2:these are, this is a magical time it is consistently a strong, psychically invulnerable monster, that is not changed strong no brain have you never had a bully that you like said something to? And they're just so tough that they're like, yeah, I don't I going to punch you about my feelings. I'm not going to feel these feelings, that's what's happening right now?
Speaker 3:Just so dumb.
Speaker 2:Yeah, all right. Those bones swarm up around you, almost binding you in place. You are grappled right now. All right, that means a lot of cultists are going to get a lot of fun stuff right now. I don't like how happy you look. He's the villain. Yeah, all the terrible things in your life, chester, you becoming the number one killer your wife leaving you. All are because of me. I am the master of all your sorrows.
Speaker 3:It's true. Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 2:Anyways, cultists kind of run at you and make some stabs, they're going to have advantage on these. Okay, that one definitely hits. That's a crit.
Speaker 1:I'll use my reaction to do mine sliver to negate that crit you mean silvery barbs that's it more psychic damage okay, so it'll re-roll and it misses.
Speaker 2:So you're going to take three dagger attacks as these guys kind of pile on you and just stab at you.
Speaker 3:Can I say something cool? Like I'm not trapped in here with you, You're trapped in here with me.
Speaker 2:Go ahead and roll an intimidation check. Oh no.
Speaker 1:But you can use your strength right, Because you're a fighter thingy Mm-hmm, your fighter thingy.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm. Well, it doesn't help. When I roll a three on the die, they're like, hey, that's.
Speaker 2:One of the head guys is like that sounds really cool. I feel like you are trapped in here. You're literally in a bone prison.
Speaker 3:You are.
Speaker 2:Yes, I am. I am in a prison of flesh. That's why we will unmake it for the future. Yes, I am, I am in a prison of flesh. That's why we will unmake it for the future.
Speaker 3:Ah damn, I'm really still on their point.
Speaker 2:For them, that's not yeah these daggers cut into you for seven slashing damage Couldn't have been worse.
Speaker 1:Could have.
Speaker 3:It could have been worse.
Speaker 1:Also, don't forget, you have advantage on your next attack roll because of it Next attack.
Speaker 2:Is it just next roll, or he might use it to break out of his?
Speaker 1:grapple no, but it does specifically say attack.
Speaker 2:Okay, also, he could prove his point right now and just start headbutting the shit out of his bone guy which, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna second wind, okay, as a bonus action Everyone loves healing but then I'm gonna just headbutt the shit out of him. Uh, first attack 16 plus 8, 24. Yeah, that'll hit Second attack 21.
Speaker 2:Okay, that'll hit.
Speaker 3:Then I'm going to action surge 26. Okay, and 19. Yeah, you headbutt the fuck out of this thing, all right damage is?
Speaker 1:Did he fix his CTE?
Speaker 2:You know it's like the end of Rocky V yeah 12, 12.
Speaker 3:13. 11. 12, 12, 13, 11, yeah.
Speaker 2:Wow, okay, surprisingly effective strategy I don't gotta go anywhere uh yeah um, all right, roll your four magic surges, wild magic surges. See if anything happens with your punchy punches. You're at what you did two last time, so that's, anything higher than an 18 will trigger it.
Speaker 3:So my head punches.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's built on emotion and violence 16, 16, 4, 19. Okay, that 19 does cause a surge. Go ahead and roll a D100 for me. My man, If this just makes you grow a beard, I'm going to laugh so hard.
Speaker 1:As long as it's not hair on his head. 86.
Speaker 2:Okay, an 86 on the wild magic surge table 86 being a loser because I'm kicking ass uh 86 is a restaurant term to be like we're done, we don't have it. Yeah, yeah, okay, that's for my service industry people out there hey, service industry people shout out to you you're the real heroes. Your customers are all monstrous monsters. Um, all right as you. You slam into this. You feel this burst of magical energy.
Speaker 3:Suddenly, around you are three duplicates of yourself it just got a whole lot sexier in here and I wait it just change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no I'm now worried his next turn is going to be spent like is it masturbation right, robert, take that out.
Speaker 1:We're switching it, it's 85.
Speaker 2:It's different now yeah, no, I could have picked any number. All right, yeah, you've cast Mirror Image.
Speaker 3:Nice. That will confuse them, for one of them is in the grisp of the animal monster and the other two are just like, floating with their arms to their sides.
Speaker 2:No man, that would be really mean to be like, hey, you had a cool thing happen, but anyways, they just see the guy floating in midair being like, oh, invisible bones, yeah all right, uh, ekron, what would you like to do?
Speaker 1:well I'm sorry, go ahead and roll me, uh, a d20, oh okay just a just a random old d20 no, nothing nefarious here, just flat d20, and that's a nat 20, baby.
Speaker 2:Okay With a nat 20, you hear above you sounds of something large and just a calamitous crash Time Dragon please. Followed quickly by another one.
Speaker 1:Time Dragon please.
Speaker 2:Fuck, crash, followed quickly by another. One time, dragon, please fuck. All of a sudden the roof or the I'm sorry, the the ceiling above you caves in. You see this massive creature of just spindly multiple arms, uh, kind of flailing. You see kaga just burying that axe in its face. She yanks it free, black blood splashes over her. She lets out an unholy, deathly roar. Which one of you fuckers is next?
Speaker 3:Ekrem, it's your turn, conker, believe it or not, before you got here, we were doing pretty good, I needed to roll a perception check to see if I could see that.
Speaker 1:No, no, it wasn't perception, it was just a dumb luck.
Speaker 4:Check to see if that's what happened. Okay.
Speaker 2:Gotcha, if you rolled below a 10, she just would have been up on the sixth floor being like dumb shit. This is a snack floor. It's just. This is where the time dragon does Willy Wonka shit.
Speaker 1:Oh wow, I will go ahead and do my dog's bite, just to get that out of the way.
Speaker 3:Everything on that floor is a health potion.
Speaker 1:With a 16 to hit. Okay, for the bone thing, that'll hit Awesome and that is a bite for eight damage.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:And then I will throw my shadow, dragon, shadow, dragon, shadow, dagger at another cultist. Okay, for a 15 to hit.
Speaker 2:Okay, that last, or, I'm sorry, one of the cultists drops your dagger embedded in it.
Speaker 1:I don't have to roll damage. Oh yeah, roll your damage. It didn't have a ton of health. I assumed it was the wounded one. I did three, last time with 2d8 and a d4. They're not tough boys, they're cultists.
Speaker 2:They're like we really are more planners and thinkers than we are fighters. Max damage 20 damage.
Speaker 1:Where was?
Speaker 3:that.
Speaker 2:Real. Where was that real whiplash effect here? My closest.
Speaker 3:He meant bone monster you usually you're like, please be cool in front of kaga.
Speaker 1:Please be cool in front of kaga. Yeah, yeah, you can do over damage like it went through a guy and no, it's psychic.
Speaker 2:It's just how do you make hurt feelings?
Speaker 3:technically six of its piercing okay it could be like uh chain lightning. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:It works like it's trauma from watching his buddy die. Maybe they were brothers, we don't know. That's up to you. Yeah, it's up to you, he's uh yours.
Speaker 4:No, you would stop doing this. You can't real life persuasion. Check me guys. We can't, you know, be real cool if you did that cabin.
Speaker 2:Uh, all the cool dms do it. Uh, you know who does that matt mercer yeah think of the listeners, think of the list I love there's that one moment where he's like, yeah, no, wait a minute you guys can't
Speaker 2:gaslight me into making this campaign easy we gaslighted him into having a wife. Yeah he doesn't have a wife she left him. Uh yeah, he drops. Uh you know what? Sure fuck it. Uh, the dagger, the six piercing damage since it's kind of overkill rolls into the next guy and he's like, ow, thank god, this deck don't. This is my groove, robert no, only play that.
Speaker 4:Every time something bad happens to akram, just that that was a big one can you start uh like sexy porn music when that?
Speaker 1:happens as long as he gets the point across, yeah that's your sexy point noise.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel bad. Look, I don't explain.
Speaker 2:You know we're learning a lot about each other. You had a why. Uh all right, uh, that's gonna bring us back up to the top of the order. This thing uh kind of just releases you, realizing like you're not the biggest threat, and immediately starts like this bone mass just rolling towards uh kaga opportunity attacks. Yeah, you are gonna get an opportunity attack hell yeah, my wolf too yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, I forgot about the wolf Shit yeah okay, Don't take it back cabin.
Speaker 3:Hey cog, look out, it's going for the biggest threat in the room. I'm not mad about it 15?
Speaker 2:15, no 15 hit the bone.
Speaker 1:All right, cowabunga. Cowabung does a ooh, 20 fucking seven. Yeah, you punched the shit out of its ass. Uh, 12 damage. It doesn't have a brain, but it has shit in its ass. What?
Speaker 2:did you say have shit, listen okay.
Speaker 3:Use of language 13 on the uh wild magic. So okay, yeah no, we were.
Speaker 2:We're back up to 20 for that. Uh, all right. So yeah, you punch into this thing more uh bone chips, shatter off um, and your, what did? Your hound didn't hit, it, didn't. Okay, uh, it's gonna go ahead and take a couple swipes at kaga and then, because you did punch it, it's going to turn one of those uh claws claws back on you.
Speaker 3:Nuh-uh Jesus.
Speaker 4:Too quick.
Speaker 2:That's funny. Roll a dice high or low, really quick these are fun. Low. Okay, you're safe Because like two misses and then one hit. And I was like that'd be ironic because I had said take swings at Kaga. And I was like it'd be hilarious if the one that hits is jester.
Speaker 2:It's like a weird, like back squawk yeah, yeah, you got so like overextended on that punch that it just catches you. Uh, all right, okay, so it's gonna deal its damage to her. Uh, let's see where's my d12. Okay, fantastic, uh, that going to be her turn. She's going to just like she is all rage and anger. She's going to lunge at this thing, wrapping it up Cool, and just whiffs through it because her strength, she all of a sudden just got a shitty two. She dives through it, kind of comes up in a role, her axe in front of her, right next to you, chester.
Speaker 1:Uh, there's what two cultists left I think so yeah, there were five to start. Did you include that one guy that was like I'll just call you later.
Speaker 2:Okay, he's like sitting in the corner, just be like.
Speaker 4:I'm kind of glad I sat this one out now actually, uh, one of the better decisions I've made.
Speaker 2:All right, they're going to kind of. Let's have them run up at Ekrem. Ekrem, you've been hiding in the shadows long enough. All right, is the 17 hit.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yep.
Speaker 2:Yep and another 17.
Speaker 1:Yep, I was debating on whether to use shield or not. I don't think I'm going to.
Speaker 3:I'm going to hold out, it's only going to be like eight damage max.
Speaker 2:Yeah, take four damage. Oh yeah, all right.
Speaker 3:Chester, what would you like to do? I'm trying to think if there's anything interesting around the room.
Speaker 2:What's in the room with everything that's been kind of cluttered up? Uh, you see, there's uh chairs. This looks like it's a room that was uh like a kind of an informal study area, like uh research notes tables, chairs uh, I'd like to uh, just for flavor.
Speaker 3:I'd like to run and jump off of a table and, like elbow, drop them for one of my attacks and then punch them in the back of the head hell yeah, I love flavor.
Speaker 2:Let's do it.
Speaker 3:Flavor is the spice of life all right, so I'm gonna run up wwe from the top ropes. Uh, 25 yeah definitely I'll hit uh for the elbow drop and uh 25 jesus. Nice, so low damage.
Speaker 2:Seven plus six, 15 damage all right, uh man I don't, I don't want to reward bad rolls, but how do you want to finish this thing?
Speaker 3:uh, can it be? Can it be where, like I just didn't plan this out at all and I elbow drop and I just kind of like and sink into him, get like kind of stuck?
Speaker 2:yeah, you. It's just that, like you didn't anticipate the skull, the like cave, like that, yeah it's like soft yeah, because there's no brain in it, which yeah as it cracks open. Uh, you see, no brain. You're like oh, all the psychic stuff makes sense now. It's almost like my DM was consistent.
Speaker 1:I don't think it doesn't make sense. It doesn't mean I'm not upset about it still.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I just kind of like into it. I'm like oh, oh, oh, oh God.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as you do this, the magic holding this thing together deanimates and it falls to the ground.
Speaker 3:Oh, this is worse than touching the food in the bottom of the sink when you're washing dishes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, it's a little gross. Also, again, shout out to your server friends on this one. He was really doing this one for them. All right, Ekron, what would you like to do?
Speaker 1:So the bones thing just died.
Speaker 2:You have two cultists left. There's two cultists left. You have your shadowhound still.
Speaker 1:Or shadowhound still, well or no, it goes away when that thing dies. Yeah, something I didn't realize when I first had it. Um, but I will try. And true, I'll just keep going with the shadow dagger.
Speaker 1:And then, for the first swing with my dagger, I got a 16 to hit okay that's the 2d8 plus the d4, so on the first guy, that is, uh, 17 plus 2, so 19 damage. Okay, does it matter whether it's like do I need to divvy up the damage? Okay, and then I will offhand dagger just because I can, and that is a probably a miss.
Speaker 4:12 yeah, okay, just barely so I miss my offhand dagger attack okay but I'm guessing I killed one of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's one left alive. I'm just going to do a roll for him here. Is he going to try to flee? Is he going to keep fighting? Pick high or low there, guys.
Speaker 1:High, you went low last time.
Speaker 2:Okay, you rolled a 12. Do you want him? To flee 12 do you want him to flee or do you want him to fight?
Speaker 1:it's one cult. He's gonna die next round anyway, yeah frick off you nerd yeah. I just it's one of those things where if I pick flee, is he gonna warn his buddies and fuck us later. Kevin, is that what's gonna happen if we?
Speaker 4:pick that he's gonna be like hey, this one guy uses psychic.
Speaker 1:We need to remove all of our fucking brains.
Speaker 2:Everyone drink your potions of psychic immunity.
Speaker 1:Fuck him. I'm going to kill him, oh no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he just he's going to just take off and flee like in fear of you guys. You're in this pile of bones. Chester Kaga kind of gives you that predator handshake up.
Speaker 4:You're in this pile of bones. Chester Kaga kind of gives you that predator handshake up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you feel like you were getting ready to pull yourself up and she just like Fantastic, hey Kaga. Thank you for the help.
Speaker 3:I mean we could have done it, but it's good to have you here. It's good to see you. I like your ex.
Speaker 1:Hi you boys running into any other trouble.
Speaker 3:Yeah, mostly just this for right now. We are the trouble and I look at the guy in the corner that wants the punch and I give him a little point and a wink.
Speaker 4:He's like they did good they did real good.
Speaker 2:She hands you a potion of greater healing oh no.
Speaker 3:I drink it. It's what 2d4 both of us.
Speaker 1:Just, chester, I'll just put it in my pocket because I took 4 damage.
Speaker 2:Cool what's that you tough boy, it's a 2d4 plus 4. I think I should look it up here. That would be wrong of me to not let you have a bunch of health 4d4 plus 4 does she give me a potion of get two spells back?
Speaker 1:is it no? It's weird how that works. You do have sorcery points you convert. Does she give me a potion of get two spells back? Is it no? I don't know it's weird how that works.
Speaker 2:Just thought I'd ask. You do have sorcery points you convert into spell slots too.
Speaker 1:But I've got new things I can do with those sorcery points that seem also cool yeah.
Speaker 3:Thank you for the blue Gatorade. It was so delicious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I prefer it. You know, like the time Time Dragon only stocks Power 8. And I'm like it's fine.
Speaker 1:But this is my stash.
Speaker 3:How much health are you missing? Still 20 points about.
Speaker 1:I'll pat you on the back and I'll go. We got this buddy, and something I've had for a while completely forgot about is once per long rest. I can use an action, touch a creature and restore eight hit points to it.
Speaker 4:I've had that for a long time.
Speaker 1:Oh, your ASMR ability.
Speaker 3:I've had that since the beginning Dude, my back feels way better. Thank God, you just learned how to do that. I was born with it, I forgot. The power deep within you, and you've now learned how to access it, right Just now.
Speaker 1:I just fucked up, man. Your shadow self's like yes, I'm not a liar.
Speaker 2:You didn't give him the health because you know the dark. I said I would call you.
Speaker 1:I said I would fucking call you. I've said it multiple times I'll call you when I'm ready.
Speaker 2:Alright Kaga kind of wipes her axe off on one of these cultists and she goes are you boys ready to end this? Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 3:Yes, I believe we are. That would be very convenient.
Speaker 2:She leads you to up a flight of stairs up to the fifth floor, the floor that had been previously unoccupied. She kind of like conspiratorially follow me and she kind of stealthily.
Speaker 1:Did you say conspiratorially?
Speaker 2:She's like conspiratorially, like hey guys, follow me, she's letting you in on a secret. Go ahead and roll me both stealth checks.
Speaker 1:Oh, good, For a second. I was worried and then you said stealth, so I should be fine. That is a what? Is your stop talking shit. That's a net one are you shitting me.
Speaker 3:I got a net one, jesus christ it's the thing.
Speaker 2:I'm good she starts doing like a sneaky crawl with her axe, like, just like, just like. Army crawl running somehow like it's just a very impressive. You guys both try to imitate it and just fall.
Speaker 1:Yeah because I have a plus seven, like I have a plus seven.
Speaker 2:This is crazy, oh my god, we both should be competent yeah I just fall down and fart.
Speaker 3:Akram starts laughing yeah, there it is yeah, yeah uh, oh, man, it's good that even in these hard times, our friendship is still strong oh man, hope this doesn't upset kaga in any way she just kind of looks and just is shaking her head at you guys.
Speaker 1:Uh, save the fuck out that dragon, though am I right as you?
Speaker 2:guys. Uh, notice her just shaking her head. Uh, from the shadows, you see, uh, cultists emerging around you. She grabs her axe and braces herself and she says well, I was hoping to do this a little bit more discreet, but she's going to kill the shit out of those guys.
Speaker 3:It's going to be so cool. My nipples are going to get so hard.
Speaker 2:No, you boys want to kill a time dragon, and that's where we're going to end this one no, I don't in fact hang on wait, maybe, maybe we I'm doing quotes here maybe we do you get what I'm guys, the session's over. You can't, you can't, you can't say that.
Speaker 1:I'll text you session's over. We're back in the real world. You're not my boss anymore.
Speaker 3:Oh, hell yeah hey Kevin, good session Ryan. Where can they find you?
Speaker 2:thank you everybody, hey guys this has been Monster Monster, a real play, dungeons and Dragons podcast featuring comedians playing characters. I'm DM Kevin Egg Eggleston. You can find me at CavanEgglestoncom or at Cavan underscore Egg, or just live shows all around you. Tyson, where can we find you?
Speaker 3:Where can we see you. Hi, I'm a stand-up comedian. You can find me at Tyson Cox Comedy, on all social media platforms and I tour the country and do stand-up comedy, so find me.
Speaker 1:Nice, my name is Tyler Waltz. I'm also a stand-up comedian.
Speaker 2:You can find me at nerd news yes, or at the nerd news network on Instagram oh, it is different because it was already taken on Instagram.
Speaker 1:Yeah, stupid. Yeah, so I know you've been just sending people to someone else this whole time.
Speaker 3:Some random channel is like man, I'm getting a lot of cool traction.
Speaker 1:I'm pretty sure the Instagram one for nerd news is like cosplay girls and stuff, so I don't know how disappointed they'll be when they get there.
Speaker 3:That's pretty good, yeah, and a big shout out to Robert Schmaubert, our main master editor-in-chief. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Robert, you're pretty dope. He's Robert Schmaubert on all the stuff he does Gutter Nuggets on Twitch with Ben Monster. Thanks, robert, yeah, bye.
Speaker 3:Hello Robert, yeah Bye. Hello everybody. It's Tyson, with some just quick announcements. Thank you for everyone that's signed up for our Patreon. We really appreciate it. Every little bit helps. It helps us increase our production value, helps us just honestly create better content for you all. So thank you for that and if you want to pitch in, please do. It's incredible. We're trying to build a community, we're trying to make this as big as possible, and that's with your help. So we're going to throw some money in. Or if you don't want to throw money in, just tell friends about the podcast. We're growing. I have access to the stats and hoo hoo hoo, we are growing. Yes, we're finishing up season one, getting into season two Tyler's and just a reminder about our live shows the first Wednesday at Planet of the Tapes in Louisville, kentucky. Second, tuesday at the White Rabbit Cabaret in Indianapolis, indiana, and the third Thursday in Commonwealth. So, yep, that's it. Mike says bye.
Speaker 1:Bye, I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll.
Speaker 2:I just wanna, I just wanna, I just wanna roll you boys. You boys want to kill a shadow or a time dragon. Fuck robert, cut that last one, god damn it. I just hear you talking about your goddamn hard nipples and your shitty stealth. Check farts. Try to build some fucking tension in this scene.