ADHD Dating Red Flags with Sabrina Zohar

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone new, even if you barely know them? In this powerful episode, I sit down with dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar to explore how ADHD intersects with dating, emotional regulation, and the often misunderstood phenomenon of limerence. Sabrina is known for her no-BS approach to relationships and brings her signature humor, authenticity, and wisdom to a candid conversation about how ADHD affects attachment, communication, and dating dynamics.

We dive into what it means to feel “too much,” how rejection sensitivity shows up in dating, and why being in a secure relationship doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Sabrina shares her personal experiences, including her late ADHD diagnosis, how she navigates a relationship with a partner who has OCD, and the somatic tools that help her regulate emotionally. 

Sabrina Zohar is a dynamic entrepreneur and dating coach renowned for her transformative podcast, The Sabrina Zohar Show. With a clear, no-nonsense approach to relationship advice, Sabrina's podcast has resonated globally, ranking in the top 0.05% of all podcasts. Each episode features practical tips backed by board-certified and licensed psychologists, aimed at helping listeners improve their dating lives by fostering self-worth and personal growth.

Episode Highlights:

[1:23] – Introducing the amazing Sabrina Zohar and her journey to getting diagnosed with ADHD at 30
 [4:52] – How ADHD and childhood trauma shaped her dating patterns
 [8:22] – The importance of "doing the work" and learning to pause before reacting
 [12:41] – Grieving old identities and cultivating a secure, aligned partnership
 [13:37] – How body awareness helps Sabrina regulate emotions and manage triggers
 [18:43] – Rethinking what a healthy and secure relationship actually looks like
[19:26] – What limerence is and how it uniquely shows up in people with ADHD
[25:42] – Why we need to stop relying on texts as the main indicator of someone’s interest
[27:13] – How to know when you’re ready to date again
[29:09] – ADHD and dating: the case for dating multiple people
[31:47] – How Sabrina’s partner Ryan showed consistent effort—and why that stood out
[34:06] – When limerence ends: The power of challenging your thoughts
[36:56] – Keeping a long-term relationship exciting when you're "neuro-spicy"
[40:26] – How to handle conflict and protest behavior in a relationship
[42:49] – Sabrina's advice on where to begin with somatic awareness and healing

Links & Resources:

• Find Sabrina Zohar on Instagram 
• Listen to The Sabrina Zohar Show on your favorite podcast platform

Thank you for tuning into "SuccessFULL with ADHD." If this episode has impacted you, remember to rate, follow, share, and review our podcast. Your support helps us reach and help more individuals navigating their journeys with ADHD.

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Transcript

Brooke Schnittman: 0:00

Where do you see that limerence can come into play with ADHD. With ADHD,

Sabrina Zohar: 0:06

we have our extremes, right? It's either like, I'm super interested, I'm invested, I'm all in 100% or I probably forgot about it. Limerence, in general. What it actually is, is the obsession or infatuation with somebody without having necessarily the data and the knowledge to back that up. But when we see people going into limerence, they're typically hyper focused on the idea of other people. And the reason being is, for a lot of people like that, it's what does that represent? What does it mean about me in a limerence state? And the hyper focus and fixation is part of those extremes, like I'm all in 100% but the problem is, when people are super in a limerent phase, and you're obsessing over the idea of them. You're not actually in the reality of what they are, and so you're constantly projecting on who you want them to be. You're taking every move that they make incredibly personally. Sometimes you can be in limerence with someone you've never even met before. It could be someone you've had one or two dates. It could be someone you've been dating for a few months, and you're becoming obsessed. And typically speaking, it's because there's not an element of safety that's been created. And when we obsess over people, it's because we're trying to get some kind of certainty and safety. And look, look, they're everything. And if I just put all of my energy into this, and with the way that our brain works, I go 100% because, guess what, I don't have to deal with anything else. If I do, if I just focus on them and this person, nothing else matters, and I don't have to deal with my own stuff.

Brooke Schnittman: 1:23

Welcome to successful with ADHD. I'm Brooke schnittman. Let's get started. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of successful with ADHD. We finally did it. I have the one, the only, Sabrina Zohar, who so many of you probably know already. She's a dynamic entrepreneur and dating coach, and she's renowned for her transformative podcast, the Sabrina Zohar show, and she has a clear no nonsense, no BS, approach to relationship advice, and her podcast has resonated globally, ranking in the top 0.05% of all podcasts. It's hard to say that, but it's almost like it's better than the top 1% people. Each episode features practical tips backed by board certified and licensed psychologists aimed at helping listeners improve their dating lives by fostering self worth and personal growth.

Sabrina Zohar: 2:22

Welcome, welcome. Oh, I'm so excited to be here. We did it

Brooke Schnittman: 2:28

in true ADHD fashion. We scheduled, we canceled, we scheduled, we canceled. We were about to fly. We didn't. There was a forest fire, yeah, world events. But we're here.

Sabrina Zohar: 2:41

I'm so it only took us nine months.

Brooke Schnittman: 2:44

Is that it? Is it, that's it, okay? All right, not so bad. All right. So Sabrina, this topic today is going to be very personal to a lot of people here, dating ADHD limerence, so you personally have ADHD Correct?

Sabrina Zohar: 3:04

I sure do, which explains the like, fast talking, cursing, I go 17 different directions. I it's interesting because ADHD, I know, manifests differently for people, like some people, when they tell me that they have it, I'm shocked by their demeanor, because I'm like, Oh, that's not traditionally what we would have thought. And that's actually why, like, it took me 31 years to get diagnosed, because my brother had it as a kid and was, like, center of attention with Jump bump, like, literally jumping off the walls, being on Ritalin, like, having that very traditional ADHD. And so my sister and I, my mom, just thought, no, no, you guys don't have hyperactivity. You don't have the same thing. And so then as an adult, I was like, oh, never mind. It just manifests very differently. So I'm excited to be in the club because our brains are a little bit wired in a different way. But that doesn't mean that we don't still get to have the same love and success that other people do, right?

Brooke Schnittman: 3:54

So you have the hyperactivity differently, the racing thoughts, maybe not as outwardly hyperactive bouncing off the walls in the classroom, but yes, you are both in the club, and it's very genetic. I appreciate that. All right, so, Sabrina, you got late diagnosed. So you were 30 when you got diagnosed with ADHD.

Sabrina Zohar: 4:14

Yeah, and it was on, it was on a whim. I just was talking to my my doctor, and I said, I really want to know, like, I just something tells me that I might have ADHD, I've seen all these different things about how it manifests differently, kind of what we were talking about. And they were like, Okay, let's, let's bring you to a psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever. And then I went through the process of getting the test and understanding myself, and once I figured it out, it was just like, oh, oh. That explains it.

Brooke Schnittman: 4:39

So with the late diagnosis and now understanding ADHD as it shows up for you, how would you say that might have impacted your past dating relationships?

Sabrina Zohar: 4:52

Oh yeah, it was. It impacted it without me realizing that it impacted it, because I think I always just felt. Need to First off, let me back up. I had a very traumatic childhood in the sense where, like, I had a lot of stuff that that happened very early on. And so I always thought, one, there's something wrong with me. I genuinely believed that. But then, before it was ADHD being the issue, I thought, Okay, I have anxious attachment. I have all these trauma issues, right? I kept coming up with, what is it? What is it? What is it? But I found myself struggling and dating because I always felt like I was too much. I always was like, kind of all over the place. But then I would look at a text, I'd want to respond, but then I would do something else, and then this person would get offended that I didn't answer them, but I really did like them, and so I just couldn't get to it. And I found I felt very misunderstood with like, the way my brain works, the speech and my cadence, that I have, the directness that I have, just how I showed up, felt like there was something wrong with me. And it was interesting, because I was looking at some studies, and I saw that 75% of hinge users that have ADHD have said that they also feel very misunderstood on the apps, because it's hard to explain to people, even now, when I will go live or record a solo, and people will say you should tell you need to slow down. I can't keep up, and I have to explain to them, like, well, I work differently, like my brain doesn't operate like yours. Everything I have is on 2x I'm everything is I'm interrupting somebody in the middle of the sentence, because if I don't say it, I'm gonna forget it. And it's a different it's a different way of living with things. And I think for a while, I felt like there was something so fundamentally wrong with me that it really impacted my dating life, because I couldn't use I didn't know what ADHD was for a long time, as far as what it looked like in me, so I didn't know how to explain it, besides for scaring people off that didn't understand it

Brooke Schnittman: 6:36

either. Yeah, first of all, 2x you speak in 2x people tell me to speed up and not slow down. And let's be honest, everyone listens into x these days. So okay, thank you.

Sabrina Zohar: 6:47

Thank you. I'm just doing it for you naturally, but

Unknown: 6:50

you don't even need to press a button, right? And it's

Sabrina Zohar: 6:54

hard though. Like, that's my core belief. I'm too much. There's something wrong with me. I was told that a lot as a kid like you take up all the attention. You don't shut up. You need to learn how to just be so, of course, the now, as an adult, you're like, oh, oh, okay, well, these people that I'm dating or feeling uncomfortable, or they don't know how to be with me, or, you know, I'm very passionate about something, and I might get really excited about it, and seeing they're overwhelmed, I had to learn to not take it personally, because the fact that one maybe they're slow for me, right? It doesn't mean that I'm too fast for them. Maybe they're also a little slow for me, but I had to really learn like it's okay that I'm not going to be for everybody, because it just takes one person that likes my quirkiness and my weirdness and my ideas that come up out of nowhere and the way that I am for it to work.

Brooke Schnittman: 7:38

Yeah, and I think for so many ADHD ers, the negative messages that we hear are way more than a neurotypical, especially when you're late diagnosed. And they say the data out there is 20,000 more negative messages by the age of 10 than a neurotypical. So the fact that we would shame ourselves or feel sensitive to rejection speaks volumes because of the negative messages we've heard or the trauma of we've experienced. And there's a lot of data out there that ADHD ers experience way more trauma than neurotypicals, but now that you feel like you're in a relationship with someone who gets you like, how did you even get there? What type of work did you have to do?

Sabrina Zohar: 8:22

How much time do for me, doing the work? And I totally understand that. It's such a broad statement, right? Oh, are you doing the work? Are you working on yourself? Are you healing? Are you what? I didn't know what that meant for so fucking long, I'll be honest. And I think for me, it showed up differently having ADHD, it meant one the biggest thing that I had to learn to do when I started therapy and was like, Okay, I walked in saying, there's something wrong with me. And she's like, okay, we're starting off at a great foot. And I was like, I'm telling you. I'm fucked up. There's something wrong with me. Like, you gotta help me figure this out. And what changed everything for me was learning how to take a pause. And it sounds so simple, but because I have ADHD, and I'm always 20 steps ahead and trying to figure things out, but at the same time, somehow not able to juggle half the things I'm doing. But I still seem to think I could do them all, like walking to the bathroom somehow, like my plants get watered and then right there's always so many different things, and I think one just understanding that and like embracing that, but I had to learn how to pause and to take a second to say there's a stimulus. But it doesn't mean I need to have a reaction. That means I can take a second to respond. It allowed me to one hold compassion for myself that like, yes, my brain works differently, and I kept repeating that, like, you're just not like everyone else. But that's not a bad thing, right? I think it's a 5% of people in the dating world have ADHD, which is so low to me, that number shocked me, and I hope I'm wrong.

Brooke Schnittman: 9:47

So the numbers on ADHD are particularly lower on a lot of things, like entrepreneurs and ADHD. It says that 30% of entrepreneurs have ADHD. I would say it's a lot more. I think a lot of people just still don't know they have it or. Aren't reporting it.

Sabrina Zohar: 10:01

Okay, thank you. Because I, when I talk to friends that are like, I have ADHD, I'm always shocked. I'm like, you do because it's it shows up differently in certain people, so different. But I think for me and my journey, because of like, for me personally, I was very erratic. Everything was it had to be done in the moment. I was big, scream, yell like, that's how we were seen in our household. So it was just natural to me. So when I started doing the work, I had to one understand where did I learn all of this from? I had to understand how I could speak to myself differently. I had to work through that rejection sensitivity, and really work through the hey, this doesn't mean your core belief is reaffirmed. This doesn't mean anything about you, like I had to do the inner child work of going back and talking to parts of me to understand where I learned behavior from, but by really understanding how to put space between the stimulus, my response and my reaction, and then being able to come from a place of choice then led me to start to change how I started to date. So I was no longer going after breadcrumbs or just whatever you could give me, and taking anything I could get and feeling like I have to water myself down in order to be accepted and loved, right? All of those different things, I started to take up space, but what I really had to do was I also had to learn how to grieve, and grieving comes with a lot of this growth, because I had to say goodbye to parts of me that no longer needed to drive the cars. I had to say goodbye to people in my life that were keeping me in the place that I was at, as opposed to helping me grow into a new version. And I had to learn that as I was dating and meeting people there were not there were going to be a lot of people that weren't going to like me, and that didn't mean that I had to change. That didn't mean I had to acclimate to everybody else's comfort and be more palatable. That just meant that I had to find somebody instead that loved those parts of me. And the irony is, like Ryan is has OCD. He's the polar opposite of me in so many ways, and the better ways, right? He's very calm, a little bit more stoic, a little bit more type A he has OCD. So he's very like he'll do something, and he's very rigid. He goes, Oh, incredibly. So he's on his loops, so between me coming in and quacking in the house, and then him going on his loops. We as a couple, have learned how to one regulate, but also understand each other. So he understands when I just splurt out something, an idea to like, kind of take a breath and smile and be like, This is what she wants to share with me, and she processes differently. And I have learned when he goes into his OCD, his loops of needing a calendar and organizing that that's what helps him, and I can acclimate to that, because I'm a little bit less rigid in that way. So I think leading up to meeting my partner, I had to get really okay with meeting myself. I had to get really comfortable with finding the parts of me that I shamed for a while, which included the ADHD components that I didn't know I had for so long, because I never realized I even had it.

Brooke Schnittman: 12:41

Yeah, I know you talk a lot about not being like showing up in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment does not mean that it's going to be a picture perfect relationship, right? You just mentioned some see the face. You just mentioned some things for people listening, Sabrina is making a very extreme face right now, when he is rigid and you are kind of like a tornado of emotions, and you know, you're watering your plants, you're doing this, you're doing that, right? Like, how do you regulate yourself? You said finding, I know, not in these exact words, but finding the triggers Right? Like, how are you noticing that and working with that with someone who, quote, unquote, who has a secure attachment style, but you're working on that within your relationship.

Sabrina Zohar: 13:37

So the funny thing is, Ryan, both of us have, like, kind of earned secure he's he's traditionally significantly more avoidant, which like, does not help somebody. That is a thing I know. So he's very both of us are incredibly secure now in our relationship, but I'm still learning how to be secure in my personality, because this is still new to me, and I'm learning new parts of myself that I didn't have before. For me personally, which changed the game are sensations. I know for other people, they can tell by my speech cadence. When I can get really high, like I speak faster, when I get a little bit more upset or manic, I my intonation goes up. When I'm calm, my speed goes down, right so, but I don't necessarily see that all the time. I can't hear that what I go off is what's happening in my body. I know myself really well at this point that I'm like, Oh, wow, I have my chest is really tight. I can sense that I am very in touch, like I've done years of yoga and breath work and meditation, not because it's fun and they're good buzzwords, but to understand sensations in my body, to understand what comes up and when it comes up, to understand the triggers and when What does safety feel like, when I'm at equilibrium and homeostasis, what does it feel like to be up? What does it feel like to be down? And I take every one of those moments so, like, if I get triggered. So for instance, a story I've shared before is like, Ryan and I, when we maybe this is we first moved in. So we were, like, 1011, months into dating, maybe a year, still very new, but at that point, knowing each other and I. He walked out, and I said, Hey, babe, do you want to, like, go do something. He was like, go do something. Go. I took out a home goods, I don't even know, something stupid. And he just went, No, and walked out. And I remember I just got so triggered. I, like, my whole body got warm. And I remember just sitting there, and I was like, I could have gone in two ways. I could have screamed at him, yelled at him, or shut down, or done the like, protest behavior, where I go into my own mood. But instead, I stopped, and I was like, Whoa, this is a disproportionate reaction to what's going on. Like I was able to be with myself for a second. And I was like, So what's coming up for you? And I said, I'm feeling all this. And I was like, Who do you feel like you're talking to right now? And I went to my dad, and I was like, okay, so this isn't dad. He's just saying something. And I was like, Okay, why did that feel like Dad? It was very dismissive. My dad used to go and walk out of a room and just say no and then leave you. And so I felt very abandoned. Was that the fact No? So then when Ryan came back in, I said, Hey, can I share something with you? He was like, Yeah, what's up? And I said, You didn't do anything wrong, but I just want you to know that when you said no, that triggered me, because it reminded me of my dad, and you've seen that behavior. And moving forward, could you just say this. And he was like, oh my god, absolutely, I'm so sorry. I'd, of course, never meant to hurt you. He's like, Absolutely, thank you so much for telling me. Now I know we've never had that issue again, and so for me, it was, it's important for me to understand like, what feels like homeostasis safety right now, when I'm outside walking the dog, when I feel really relaxed after a yoga class, when I'm feeling really delicious, and then what feels built up depending on certain emotions and feelings and things that are coming up. Then I can understand it and sit with myself and be able to then articulate that to my partner or to them, to myself, and be able to self soothe and be with myself that feels very advanced for some people. So that's why I go back to see where you feel in your body, and start to get curious about, is there a narrative? Or is this a like, a narrative that's being like, reaffirmed by core beliefs, or is this my intuition that feels very calming, and I just need to talk to this person,

Brooke Schnittman: 16:50

you know, that's so huge. I see a somatic therapist right now, and she talks about the difference between a gut feeling and a trauma feeling. I'm sure you've heard that before, and I always thought, oh, just listen to your gut or you see it on social media. Be with someone who doesn't make your nervous system nervous, but you're giving an example of your nervous system being nervous, but then you're advanced in being able to challenge that feeling and have an open conversation with your partner about that

Sabrina Zohar: 17:23

Well, because I think, to your point, the problem with so much of the stuff that we see is one, it's it might be for people that are not, I guess, to us, my or neuro spicy, neuro divergent, neuro whatever, right? We operate differently. And so there's that understanding. But the second thing is, I don't know one relationship that's actually like, really healthy, secure, two people that are like really whole individuals, that don't have conflict, that everything is perfect, that never disagree. We've been sold this false bill of goods that when you're with someone secure, which is this gold standard, and you're fucked up or flawed, if you don't have it, that unless you get there, then there's something wrong with you, and you haven't done anything right, and you're a mess and no one's ever going to handle you, but the reality of a healthy and secure relationship is your partner is going to trigger you in ways maybe other people haven't, because it's the closest mimic to your caregivers that's the closest and most vulnerable you get with people is the person you live with and you are intimate with, and you are creating a life with. So to think that you're not going to be triggered is a wild concept, but I think what I'd rather replace it with is, how do I handle it? What is my repair? How much conflict are we having? Are we actually repairing and moving on? Are we growing, or are we just stuck in the same thing because the root issue hasn't been rectified? That's so much more important to me than is this relationship just like happy and lucky. It's what kind of repair do we have so that we can grow together as two people, that's huge.

Brooke Schnittman: 18:43

Repair is everything. If you can grow with your partner, then you can grow together. If the person's accountable to what you're saying and showing up for you, you're going to be able to enhance your relationship and build on the foundation. You talk a lot about limerence. So with ADHD, you know, we have a tendency to hyper focus, get excited about novelty, and I heard from a dating expert back in the day on ADHD that it can take two years for you to really know your partner. Where do you see that limerence can come into play with ADHD as well?

Sabrina Zohar: 19:26

Oh, limerence. I mean, how it plays in is, like, with ADHD, we get we have our extremes, right? It's either like, I'm super interested, I'm invested, I'm all in 100% or I probably forgot about it. And because we have different ways that our brain operates though, that our prefrontal cortex develop differently, or amygdala, right? We have like different components and variables how limerence plays in so limerence in general, what it actually is, is the obsession or infatuation with somebody without having necessarily the data and the knowledge to back that up. And really where that comes from is when I see people. Into limerence state, which is a term that was just like made very recently. This isn't like something that's been discovered by Freud, but when we see people going into limerence, they're typically hyper focused on the idea of other people. And the reason being is, for a lot of people like that, it's what does that represent? What does it mean about me in a limerence state? And the hyper focus and fixation is part of those extremes, like, I'm all in 100% but the problem is, when people are super in a limerent phase, and you're obsessing over the idea of them, you're not actually in the reality of what they are, and so you're constantly projecting on who you want them to be. You're taking every move that they make incredibly personally. This might be someone some of sometimes you can be in limerence with someone you've never even met before. It could be someone you've had one or two dates. It could be someone you've been dating for. Been dating for a few months, and you're becoming obsessed. And typically speaking, it's because there's not an element of safety that's been created. And when we obsess over people, it's because we're trying to get some kind of certainty and safety. And look, look, they're everything. And if I just put all of my energy into this and with the way that our brain works, I go 100% because guess what, I don't have to deal with anything else if I do, if I just focus on them and this person, nothing else matters, and I don't have to deal with my own stuff. So I personally, I don't know, have you ever had limerence?

Brooke Schnittman: 21:12

Are you kidding? Okay, I used to my dad just side note before I was diagnosed with ADHD, because I was late diagnosed as well. My dad used to make fun of me. He would be like, what is it about men with ADHD and you, you're like, attached to these men with ADHD and not like, there's anything wrong with it. But a lot of the men that I went for were emotionally unavailable, and I have anxious and avoidance, so I'm disorganized in the classic ADHD fashion attachment. And so if a guy likes me, I don't like them. If they don't like me, I'm like, I love you, right? And I would idealize these men, a lot of them from LA who like, wanted nothing to do with me. They would love bomb me, and then they totally pulled the wool under the rug, and I just thought they were like, the best thing since sliced bread. So yes, I've experienced limerence before, and it's

Sabrina Zohar: 22:12

so all consuming, and it's wild, because I think for me, like when I would fall into limerence, like I would become obsessed with someone based on some photos, like I would create this narrative and the story, and I was fantasizing on where we were going. And really, what it was was, it was escapism. I wasn't happy with where I was. I wasn't content in the life that I was living. And I, if I could put into them, what they could mean about me, right? This attractive, good looking person, if they choose me, what does that say about me? You know, and especially, God, give me a narcissist that's six four, and with a six

Unknown: 22:44

banker, yes, please.

Sabrina Zohar: 22:46

I'm very right. It was like, it was just so delicious, because it was just like my dad, and that felt familiar, and that felt like, if I could, and for a lot of people, too, the love bombing like something that's interesting, I think about people with ADHD is there are those extremes, and that's part of it, right? There's the for me, I fall in the spectrum now, especially of the like, I answer immediately with it. If I don't answer when I open it, forgets it. I Yeah, get it even existed, until you're going to text your friend, going, oh fuck, I never responded to them. So there's that person, and then there's the pendulum that swings. The person that, like, has 1000 P inbox. They barely get to their inbox. They're always doing so many other things. Like my brother, he's very ADHD his I think he just got to zero, like, a few years ago. Otherwise, for like, years before that, we would text each other and be like, should I send a bird carrier? Like, if he called, if he answers, great, maybe you caught him when the Wi Fi just so happened to be on his phone. And so I think if you're dating somebody as well with ADHD, it's also being cognizant and aware of how they operate that like people used to talk so much like, I'll never forget, I was at a party for my clothing company. So I have clothing company called software, and I was hosting this party, and we had probably 60 or 70 influencers and people and friends and things. And there's this guy that's a new guy, like, I love him. He's an awesome, big meditation teacher, and he was the first time I'd met him, and so I was stoked that my friend had been able to invite him for me and bring him. And it was a three or four of us, I couldn't remember, like, we're just in a small group talking, and all of a sudden I hear them say, Well, yeah, you know, she responds immediately to text, but that's all she's kind of good for. And I remember turning around and being like, who you guys talking about? And they're like, God, she just, like, doesn't get a hint. She just always shows up. She keeps showing up. But like, she'll answer your text. I'll tell you, Sabrina doesn't miss one. And I stopped, and I was like, Wait, are you, are you talking about me? I was like, Are you literally talking shit about me? Literally behind my back? Here, I was standing right here, and the guy was like, you know, I just don't understand. Like, you answer texts quicker than anybody else. And then when my friend that was there, the guy that I met, he was like, I think he understood what was going on. And he was like, I actually love that about her. He was like, I think that's really great, because she seems to get shit done really quick. And I appreciate that about her. So not really understanding your point, dude. And I just remember standing there being like, you just don't get me. And the funny thing is, this is a guy that claimed. Had ADHD, and had him, and had started a couple a supplement company to help with it and do all that. And I was like, look at the pot calling the kettle black, because I'm incredibly fast. I'm on it. I email immediately. I answer immediately. That's my sales background. That's my ADHD brain working. I had to deal with their bullshit and their projection and deflection of their discomfort and putting it onto me. And that's what I had to realize people operate differently. So if you're dating somebody with ADHD and they might respond immediately, that doesn't mean you have to that just maybe means that that's how their brain works, and vice versa, that if maybe you're dating someone and they don't respond immediately, that's not necessarily an indication that they're not interested, they might just be so laser focused they're not present for something else right now.

Brooke Schnittman: 25:42

I love that you had shared recently about that and looking more at the actions rather than the texts, are they planning dates with you?

Sabrina Zohar: 25:50

It drives me insane. Emphasis. And I get it. I understand that plays into that limerence, the obsession, the idea of them building up this fantasy I get to put tone to the text. No text has no tone. I have no idea how you mean to say it. I don't know what you're trying to say to me and how I would like directness, and I'm very blunt. Just tell me what it is, and then at least I know. And I think also, we can't forget the dopamine loop that gets created by texting and for ADHD, because our neurotransmitters are a little for cocktail, right? Like we have we operate differently in that world. We have to be cognizant that when we are going after novelty, that releases more dopamine, and that's why we get 100% in and I want it all right now, because we're so flooded with all of this goodness, but that's really hard to maintain. And so texting and having this immediacy and this constant constant is a slot machine for your internal system, and not to mention you don't know these people, so you didn't earn a place in my life yet. I'm sorry,

Brooke Schnittman: 26:48

yeah, yeah, you mentioned that you don't need to be secure to be in a relationship like you can work on your security on the relationship, just like you and Ryan are secure in it. So I'm curious, at what point does a person who might be anxious, avoidant, disorganized, not secure, know that they're ready to date?

Sabrina Zohar: 27:13

I think the question really is like, and it's a valid question, right? How do I know I'm ready to date? I think there's a couple of things. One you might not, right? So what I'd like to do is, like, do what? Just dive on into the deep end. And if you can't swim, get the fuck out of the pool. Let's get you back on with your swimmies. So that's the first way that you're going to be able to assess. For me, what I look at is it's less about am I at this stage that somebody wrote that I need to be right, this pinnacle of this health and wellness person, this guru, or do I feel like I have tools to regulate my nervous system? Do I feel like I am able to stay present in the moment and understand what this person is saying to me? Do I feel like when I get triggered I know at least how to communicate? That's what we're looking for. It is progress, not perfection, because there's you're never going to know how you're going to respond. And the reality is you could do all of the healing work while you're single. You can do therapy and journaling and meditate and do all of this and be this most enlightened guru. The minute you step into dating, you will be triggered, because you have not had that trigger while you're alone. So then when you're in a relationship, or you're dating or in the world, you're going to be challenged. And that's, I think the biggest component here, is we don't want to be scared of that aspect, because you're never going to get this holier than thou. None of this bothers me anymore. Mentality like that's just that's not being a human. But what we're looking at is, do you trust yourself that no matter what, you'll be okay? Do you understand your non negotiables and what you used to accept versus now what you're willing to allow? Do you have tools and techniques to be able to go into when you're feeling anxious? Great if you have all that pony up babes, get out there, because at the very least, you're giving yourself an opportunity to grow in a different way and maybe meet somebody that you might not normally do and might not normally go for, but now that you've healed, evolved, growed, you know what it is that you're looking for and you're not, and you trust yourself that no matter what, you'll be okay.

Brooke Schnittman: 28:55

Yeah, that's so good, so good. And when you're getting back into the dating pool, especially for someone with ADHD. What are your thoughts on dating multiple people, dating one person,

Sabrina Zohar: 29:09

in general and in life? I would say if you're the type and having ADHD that you are either all or nothing. That's why I would recommend multiple people, because the all or nothing is where you're going to get in trouble. The either you're with me or against me is never going to happen. I actually had a friend and he went on a date. We don't know if she was ADHD or not, but nonetheless, she said, you know, second date. And she said, I'm super intentional the way that a date. He was like, awesome. So am I? Like, that's, that's great. Stoked. Thought they were on the same page. And then she said, well, but when I'm when I'm in, I'm in. And he was like, awesome, cool. And she's like, Wait, you don't agree with that. He was like, Wait, are you talking about right now? And she's like, Yeah, I mean, I'm in like, I'm 100%

Brooke Schnittman: 29:47

like. And that was date one,

Sabrina Zohar: 29:49

date two. And he just looked at her, and he was like, while I understand, he was like, I don't operate like that. And he actually has ADHD, he's very different in the way it manifests. But he was like, I don't operate. Like that. He was like, I need to get to know you. I need to create a level of safety. And that's where I'm like, ooh, that becomes either we're jumping all in into 100 or we're completely bopping out. Dating multiple people allows you to one will get to know different types of people. I'm not saying you have to sleep with multiple people. No one said that, but you could go out two, three dates a week while you're dating other people. If someone asks you, you could be honest. Yeah, I'm dating other people. I'm single. Until I'm not, we'll have a conversation. You can be clear about how you write a height, yep, I don't tell people. Like, the one thing I never did was the games. If a guy texts and said, like, Hey, do you want to go out Saturday? If I had another date, I wasn't like, Sorry, got a date. It's like, no. I didn't need to be rude and hurt someone's feelings intentionally. And I wasn't trying to create a jealousy like effect. I just wanted to say, No, thanks. Sorry. I have plans that night, but I didn't owe that to anybody. Now, if you're going to tell me, I can't, I can only date one person at a time, that's fine. Do whatever feels comfortable, but then keep yourself measured. Live your life for you, because this person's in addition to, not instead of. So if you're going to just date one person, great. But are you able to do that and still be okay that if it doesn't work, that's fine too. That's why we suggest multiple people, because if one falls off, you're still out there, you're getting out there, you're keeping the move, the motion of the ocean, and you're not just going, Okay, this is it. I have to do this, otherwise I'm not safe. It's like,

Brooke Schnittman: 31:17

Yes, I know that you don't work like this. But I used to have a dating coach who actually, before I met my husband, I used her and I met my husband. So it works, just dating coaches in general. And she used to tell me to have a menu like you would have men who were ones and then men's who were threes, and the ones could become threes, and the threes can become ones. And, you know, keep your options open until you know that the one is a one.

Sabrina Zohar: 31:47

Yeah, I to me, I understand the discomfort of doing that. And again, I'm not going to push anybody that's like, I don't feel safe or comfortable doing this. But again, no one is asking you, okay, you know what? Let me zoom out, because I think the important thing to look at here is how much time and energy we're giving these early dating experiences. Because I think that's where people get stuck. Of like, I can only date one person at a time. I don't have the bandwidth and all that. It's like, well, then maybe we shouldn't be giving that much to one person at one time. If we're giving 100 and we're all invested and all in I don't necessarily think that's helping either one of you, versus you give a few people 10% and then whoever takes 20, 3040, is who I give my energy to, because that person's reciprocating that, and it's sorry, baby. Survival of the fittest. I was dating four or five people around Ryan, and I will tell you this, Ryan made it incredibly painfully clear that he wanted me. It wasn't up for discussion. He never missed a plan. We he never canceled a date, even if he did once he had to reschedule because he got sick, fine. He never canceled a date with to this day, if he did reschedule, it was once. He was communicative. He never hit his feelings. Even though we didn't text every day, he had consistent plans twice a week that built to every week. We had our standing date. We knew what we were doing. He out beat all of the other dudes because he never played a game, and he was very blunt and direct of like, I want you. I'm going after you. Effort equals interest. Let me show you how interested I am. That is really sexy, and that's what I mean by you go towards the people that take the energy of yours, that earn it, and then you leave the rest that don't

Brooke Schnittman: 33:21

absolutely and I felt the same way with my husband too. I was dating multiple people, and I remember telling him that just because I was open minded about his, you know, his feelings too. And he goes, you take as long as you need. You know, I like you. I'm gonna show up for you. And literally, that night, I called him, I'm like, Okay, I'm tempting everyone else, right? I guess for first psychology words, we didn't mean that, but yeah. Anyway, so with back to limerence, so you knew Ryan was the one that you wanted to hone in on. What would you say in general, is the average amount of time for limerence to kind of wear off? Is there a time?

Sabrina Zohar: 34:06

So the problem is, limerence only wears off when you challenge the thoughts of limerence, like you could be in a limerence state for months or years, depending on how much you're replaying the narrative and the, you know, the screw tapes or the story, or the the noise between your ears, right? Everybody has a different fucking way the narrative that you're creating, because that's what causes the limerence. The limerence and the obsession of the other person and the idea of them. You don't know this person, so it's not the actual connection that you have, because very rarely do we become obsessed with people who create safety. What are you obsessed with? You're obsessed with the safety, but it's always there. So you don't become obsessed with it, because it's consistent. What makes limerence really sexy is the intermittent reinforcement, the dopamine receptors, this, I want them. I want them. You're crying, you're intense, and we start to romanticize. It's passion, and it's this love story, and we're going to be the movies, and it's like, no, no, none of that's going to happen. You're going to be at your therapist office for another fucking six months. That's what's going to happen. So I would say it lasts as long as you allow. It because I've been in a limerence state for months, for two years, on a guy that I dated for brief time, and was just like, No, he's the one. And then I've been in limerence for a week when I realized, like, there's something blue, burst the bubble, and I was like, fuck that guy. I'm not interested. So I really think it's about how real you're being with yourself and how much you're challenging the thoughts, because more often than not, the thoughts are trying to reaffirm a core belief more than they're trying to get the other person they don't know who that

Brooke Schnittman: 35:25

person is. Yeah, so you are in a very serious relationship with Ryan, and you feel secure. So you would say that you are no longer in limerence, or you maybe were never in limerence with

Sabrina Zohar: 35:37

him. Never had that with him. Truth be told, I was very I haven't my last Limerick day was, like a year prior to meeting him, where, like, I was obsessed with this guy, the idea of him. I definitely liked people I dated. I got excited. But after that, after that big, the biggie, bubble purse, where I was like, Wait, that guy kind of sucks. And it became very clear, like hearing what people were saying about him, hearing what friends were experiencing with him, realizing my situation and saying, like he's doing the same thing, it's not different. I had to become very real with myself and the help with my therapist of hey, is this what you think you deserve? Right? Is this all you want? Is this? Does this align with the version that you're trying to be? And the answer was consistently, no. He would only text me either at 9am or 9pm he would never make consistent plans. He would send sexy photos. It was always a last minute like, Hey, you want to come over. And I was like, I don't know. That's not how I want to do things. And so the limerence state for me, because I was working on my self worth and really loving myself and being there for myself, I was able to burst through those versus if you have low self esteem or those insecurities, this is just going to reaffirm it and magnify it, because if I can focus on them and my obsession with them, I don't have to look at

Brooke Schnittman: 36:46

myself. Yeah, so being in a secure relationship now, what keeps things spicy for you, for someone who is neuro spicy,

Sabrina Zohar: 36:56

oh, just me being me, I'll be honest. But I think for us, like we are, we have our standing appointment every week together. Of like, let's bitch and moan about how we feel about each other. We are doing date night every single week. We include spontaneity because spontaneity is big for me, because I'm all over the place, and I at every point I want to do something different. Ryan has really welcomed that into his life, because he's very rigid, doesn't want to do that, wants his schedule, hates any kind of spontaneity, so we've been finding a balance. And I think what's really kept things going in a healthy direction, and the reason I feel so secure with my relationship, one, yes, my partner has created a safe space, don't get me wrong, and he's very communicative and open, but it's also because I know that no matter what, I'll be okay, that even when we have big talks of like, Hey, are we gonna like, do are we gonna ko with this? Are we done? Can we not move past this, that even when we have those conversations, I'm like, no matter what, I'm gonna be fine. That's not what this is about. I'm making a choice to be here, though, and that, I think, is what's helped me stay really present in this. Because I could go in and fantasize and and go of all this stuff on Instagram and see the really sexy guy and do all I know what that leads me to, and I know the reality of that, that the relationship I have is the relationship I want to cultivate, and that as two adults, we will make a decision if this

Brooke Schnittman: 38:12

works or not. Yeah. So you go into a conversation saying, no matter what, I'll be okay, which is wonderful. But now, with someone with avoidant attachment, they can push away from a conversation and be like, You know what? I'm not getting the response that I want. I'm out. How do you stop yourself from feeling that way? Or, in your case, you were anxious, right? And Ryan was avoidant, or am I getting it wrong?

Sabrina Zohar: 38:39

Yeah, yeah. And I meant, and truth be told, as somebody with anxiety, like I still have my avoidance as well, like I can still storm off. That's protest behavior, of like, I'm gonna remove myself and see if he misses me and come back. So it's all very fluid in that regard. And I think what we both really try to do, like we had a bit we had an issue yesterday we were driving, and I said something, and he was trying to correct me, and he was doing it in a way that was rude, and I finally just snapped. And I was like, that's not what this is about. And it started going and then, in true form, he just sits in silence. He just doesn't say anything. And so I said, Okay, so here we are again. I was like, Are we just going to do this? Are we going to sit in silence? And I'm very honest and confronting with him. Of like, hey, no, we need to talk about this. And he'll be honest. Of like, can you give me five minutes? Or I need, like, I'm overwhelmed, or I'm flooded. I need a second. I'm also aware I could see it in his eyes, like when I look and he's a deer in headlights. I'm like, Hey, why don't you take five and let's come back to this. It's more about the fact that we attune, we understand each other. That he sees when I'm getting really built up and anxious, that it's like, Hey, do you want to talk about something? Or I hear you around the house, is something bothering you, and so I think that's been really important, is that while both of us might have come with our shit, right? His sister took her life a year before we met. I lost my dog a month before we met. It was a lot, right? It was just, it was, it was heavy entering in. And there are times where he'll remember his sister, and there are times where he'll get triggered, like he's a huge. Come in and these things happen. But really what keeps us together is that, like, we both know that we're making a choice, that we are here together as a partnership and as a unit. And so when he has his avoidance, that's when I stop and say, like, hey, sad. You'll talk to him. You know that this is your partner, and he hasn't let you down. And there are times where I'm like, I think I should break up, or maybe I should end it, and I remind myself, like, Hey, you don't have enough data to make that decision right now. So why don't we sit with that? Sit with that choice for a day? And if you still feel that, why don't we go and talk to him about

Brooke Schnittman: 40:27

it, the 24 hour rule, I love it, and that's so hard with ADHD too.

Sabrina Zohar: 40:31

It is. And that's part of the you know, it's interesting. I hear that all the time, of like, that's so hard. I'm like, You're right. It is 100% and I get to choose what hard I focus on

Brooke Schnittman: 40:39

exactly, exactly you. And I've you and I have spoken about like, using ADHD as an excuse or an explanation,

Sabrina Zohar: 40:48

exactly. And I totally understand that. I had somebody the other day say I can't get out of limerence because I have ADHD and BPD. And I said, No, no, we need to stop putting it off on the diagnosis is why I can't do something. You are capable of doing it. That just means you have different tools. Sure, if you have a handicap, if you have something very legitimate and specific, that shows that I understand that. But ADHD, borderline personality disorder, things of that nature does not mean that you just can't do it. That just means you need a different set of tools in order to do

Brooke Schnittman: 41:18

it. Absolutely, absolutely. It's a different roadmap. Yeah. Well, this has been really powerful. Is there anything that I've missed that you've wanted to share for our audience here today?

Sabrina Zohar: 41:31

I just think, if anybody, for anyone that's listening, you're not broken. There's nothing to fix. It's really just a matter of like, have you met the parts of you that you feel are a problem, those ADHD parts that are maybe running manic, or might want immediacy, or might all of those different parts make you who you are. And if you're going to try to get rid of them, then you're not going to learn to live with them. And so I just want to remind everyone like you are worthy and deserving of love. And if you meet people that don't understand what it's like to have ADHD or to be with somebody that does, they can go kick rocks without shoes. That doesn't mean that you need to water yourself down and to become and to become more palatable for them. That just means that you might just need to find a different community of people that like your

Brooke Schnittman: 42:08

cadence and your speech so good. It's all about being around people who understand you and get you and just pulling it back one more step. I know we're kind of at the end here, but you mentioned a lot of different tools and part work, and it seems like you've done inner family systems and inner child work for the lay person. Where would they start, if they are trying to become aware of, you know what their body is telling them, what is showing up for them, how it's connecting to their past. Totally.

Sabrina Zohar: 42:49

I've been doing this for nine years, so I've got a long repertoire of shit that I've worked and haven't or not eight years whatever, I would say start with even just when something comes up right? When something's obvious and obvious, I'm upset. I'm pissed, right? I'm angry. Something that you know in the moment, close your eyes and just ask yourself, Where do I feel this in my body? And just start to become aware of like, I feel it in my chest, okay, right? It doesn't mean you need to do anything about it. Then, then when it comes up again, I feel it in my chest again. Got it? Okay? Then we can start with that. From there, we can start to explore of like, is this sadness, right? What's coming up in your chest? But just start. That's why I recommend yoga or meditation. It's not because doing the act of miraculously heals you one movement's great, but because when I do yoga, it's mind to body connection, right? Do you feel this in your shoulder and you're like, oh, that's what that feels like, Yes, I understand that body part now, that way, when someone says something to you that you're like, oh, I don't like that, you're like, oh, it's back in my chest that historically hasn't been a good feeling for me. This is something to explore. It's just a starting point. It's the quickest way in, because otherwise we intellectualize. And I want to understand why and why am I doing this, and what's coming up, and let me understand every single thing when instead, we could just be with our body for just a second, take a deep breath and even just write it down on a piece of paper, go back to that every time you feel that same pain and start to get curious about what's the story. So I feel this pain, I'm sad, I don't think I'm good enough. That's it. And then come back to that repetition will create a new pattern for you.

Brooke Schnittman: 44:21

So good, so good, Sabrina. I assume that the majority of my listeners already know where to find you, but if they don't, where can they find you? Come on in the

Sabrina Zohar: 44:31

Sabrina Zohar show wherever podcasts are found. We're gonna have Brooke and we're gonna have you on next time you're in California, and we're gonna talk about ADHD and dating on my side of the pond and the Sabrina Zohar show on Instagram and Tiktok Sabrina dot Zohar, all the socials, YouTube, all that fun stuff. So come check it out.

Brooke Schnittman: 44:48

Thank you so much for being here. This is going to touch so many people's lives, and I so appreciate your time.

Sabrina Zohar: 44:55

Thanks for having me, guys,

Brooke Schnittman: 44:57

thanks for listening to this episode of successful. ADHD. I hope it helps you on your journey, and if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD, feel free to reach out to us at coaching with brooke.com, and all social media platforms at coaching with Brooke, and remember, it's Brooke with Vinny. Thanks again for listening. See you next time you.