SuccessFULL With ADHD

What ADHD Teens ACTUALLY Need From Their Parents with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

• Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC • Season 1 • Episode 108

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What ADHD teens actually need from their parents can feel confusing, exhausting, and emotional—and if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re getting it “right,” this episode will bring relief. I sat down with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and author of Love the Teen You Have, for a deeply validating and practical conversation about parenting teens with ADHD. You’ll walk away feeling supported, encouraged, and equipped with tools you can use right away.

We explore why she wrote her book, the real meaning behind its title, and the myths that leave so many parents feeling defeated. We dig into how to stay connected when your teen is pushing boundaries, why unconditional love changes everything, and what it truly looks like to support ADHD teens with executive function, emotional regulation, and respect. We also get honest about step-parenting, hormone changes, and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with the teen years. Dr. Lockhart offers practical scripts, mindset shifts, and strategies to help you navigate tough moments with confidence and compassion.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and author who has been featured in The New York Times, Parents, HuffPost, and The Today Show. After feeling disconnected from her own mom as a teen, she wrote her book to help parents build the closeness she once wished for. Love the Teen You Have is available now.

Episode Highlights:
[0:35] Introducing Dr. Lockhart + her book
[2:19] Why she wrote it + radical acceptance
[3:45] Parenting vs. loving the child you have
[6:14] Unconditional acceptance as transformation
[7:37] The myth that “good parenting = good results”
[10:11] Rejection sensitivity + separating facts from stories
[13:35] ADHD catastrophizing vs. teen behavior
[16:24] PDA vs. ODD
[18:11] Teens seeking connection through conflict
[21:06] Gentle parenting vs. permissive parenting
[23:05] The “redo” + modeling regulation
[25:39] Repairing after rupture
[28:32] Hormones, puberty, and emotional upheaval
 [34:30] What ADHD adults need to know about teen brains
[36:43] Can you be a friend and a parent?
[39:25] Step-parenting + connection first
[42:09] What schools need to understand
[44:24] Where to find Dr. Lockhart

Links and Resources:

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Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

It's also putting so much pressure on you and your teen to think that all of their behaviors have to do with you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it does. Sometimes you have screwed up but but many times they are just going through this phase or this stage or changes or issues that have nothing to do with you, and it is not fair to you or to them to think like, oh my gosh, it's because I'm a terrible parent that they got an F on

Brooke Schnittman:

their grave. Welcome to successful with ADHD. I'm Brooke Schmidt, let's get started. Welcome back to another episode of successful with ADHD. Today. I have Dr Anne Louise Lockhart, she's a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, thought leader and author, and she spent years feeling disconnected from her own mom during her teen years. She didn't want parents and teens to experience the same, so she wrote a book to help parents feel more connected with their teens. And the book is titled, love the team you have and is currently available. And not only is she an author and a psychologist and a parent coach and all those other achievements, but you may have seen her in New York Times parents Huff Post and on the Today Show, yes, she's dynamic, relatable, and she is a trusted voice for parents nationwide. Welcome to successful with ADHD. So nice to have you. Thank you, Brooke, it's good to be here. Yes, and I'm excited to dig into your book, because for those of you who don't know, I have two stepsons who are 12 and 14 with ADHD. So a lot of these questions and answers are going to be very relatable to my life, and I'm sure those of you listening? So I know you've worked with lots of parents and they feel disconnected, constantly in conflict with their teens. I totally get that. So what made you write love the team you have, and what's the deeper message behind the title?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

So my original thought was stop parenting imaginary children. That was my first thought, because I have several posts and videos on that, and it really resonates with people, but I wanted to frame it in more of a positive, aspirational way, and the love the team you have is really moves and speaks to unconditional love and radical acceptance, really just loving the teen that is in front of you, not some made up version, not the one you were, the one you wished you

Brooke Schnittman:

had, just comparing us to Our neighbors. Yes,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

exactly, and it's easier said than done, but it's so important to do because we were all teenagers once, and when I work with adults who struggled with not being loved for where they were, it still haunts them, and it still weighs heavily on them, and they still desire it from their parents, even as adults. So to me, that message is just so important. It doesn't mean that you're accepting all their foolishness and crazy behaviors. It just means that you're just loving them through all of it, and you accept them regardless of how they show up.

Brooke Schnittman:

I love that. I've heard the saying, parent the child you have, but love the child you have is so different. Can you distinguish the two?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

So parent to me, when you say, parent the child you have that feels like more of an obligation. Like, Well, I'm a parent to them, so I just will parent them because I have them, right? It's like, because that's my title, yeah, that's my title, right? And loving someone, although it doesn't feel sometimes, kids will be like, well, you're supposed to love me. Well, it's still a choice, and you're choosing to love them. You're choosing to see the stuff they're giving you, the rebellious attitude, the calling you bra, the they're annoying, 676, and yet you're still loving them through it. You're saying that I delight in you and I treasure you, and I just adore you even through it. And so I really believe it's this conscious choice and just accepting them where they're at. And to me, the loving them feels much more choice based and more doable than just saying, Well, I'm just going to parent them, because they kind of got it.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really shifts the narrative and shifts the mindset into that growth mindset and radical acceptance that you were mentioning.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Mm. Yeah, it does, because I know one of the things early on in my doctoral program in psychology, the one of the things that always stuck out with me is like, you know, there's tons of evidence based therapeutic strategies you can use with a variety of issues, but the one that really leads to lasting change and true transformation in a client is them feeling accepted and cared for by their therapist. Yeah, and that is the thing that leads to change. And so you could have the toughest case, the toughest client, the one who's resistant to getting help and treatment. And you can do all these strategies. I'm going to do cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance improvement therapy and all these different these different things. But the thing that I have found, and I've done this for 20 years, and I've supervised people who do this work, it's it's accepting that client in front of you, that loving them through the stuff, feeling like they are valued at this unconditional, positive regard, that this person accepts me where I'm at, and that is a huge gift. So if that can lead to such transformation and growth in a client that's not even yours, how much more that could benefit a tween or a teenager that you're raising and caring for as well?

Brooke Schnittman:

Yeah, that's so powerful, because you think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we all want to feel loved and accepted, and parenting is such a tough job. It's not easy, not easy. And we think very often, well, we have to do something this way, and we get logical, and then we get emotional when we're in the moment. But if you really just think of it, and I'm not trying to, like, downplay parenting, but if you just think of the core and and showing up with love and empathy first, then all the logical stuff afterwards, there is a shift in The dynamics between you and the children or the teenagers. I should say,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

yeah. And Parenting is hard, but it you don't want it to feel like a job either, because then that will come across to your teens that you're just doing it because you have to, yeah. So to be able to just delight in them and just love them through all the messiness, it's hard to do that, but it's it's important for them to feel that from

Brooke Schnittman:

you. Yeah, yeah, totally. So what's one belief that parents have about good parenting that actually gets in the way of connection? Do you think that's a great especially when there are

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

diversity? Yes. Well, I believe one thing I hear over and over again is parents think that if they're doing it right, they should have good results. So if my teen is cleaning their room and they're getting A's and they have friends and they're listening to things when I tell them the first time, and they're taking showers when they're supposed to, and they're not being annoying to their siblings, then I must be a great parent. And if all of those things aren't happening and the opposite is happening, or they're going downhill and they're skipping school and they're failing and they're a jerk to their siblings, then I must be a bad parent. And I I believe that parents need to get away from that thinking, because when all individuals have free will, but especially when you get into the tween and teen years, they start to become separate individuals. Is that whole process of individuation? They believe that, well, they start to understand that I am a separate individual. I can have my own values and beliefs and attitudes and ideas and thoughts and feelings and preferences, and so then parents think, Oh, well, I must have done something wrong, because they're separating. They're doing their own thing. And I believe that's really harmful for parents, because then, like, one day you're a great parent, and one day you're a sucky parent, simply because of the choices they make. Like, don't do that to yourself, and it's also putting so much pressure on you and your teen to think that all of their behaviors have to do with you. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it does. Sometimes you have screwed up, but many times they are just going through this phase or this stage or changes or issues that have nothing to do with you, and it is not fair to you or to them to think like, oh my gosh, it's because I'm a terrible parent that they're they got an F on their grade.

Brooke Schnittman:

I was smiling because I, as a neurodivergent human, have major rejection sensitivity, and I used to struggle with that, with my husband, with my stepsons. You know, if they're in a mood, it's about me. I did something wrong. So I can imagine the parents out there listening, especially if they're neurodivergent themselves, feeling like, okay, here. What Dr Ann Louise is saying. But like, how do I distinguish when it's me who's the problem and I'm doing it wrong and it's them? Yeah,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

and that's interesting and important to address, because rejection, sensitivity, as you know it, is significantly high in ADHD population, like 99% of individuals, right? So then you can't just say, oh, I'll just turn it off. If my kid is struggling, I'll just say it's because of it has nothing to do with me, like it's not your brain is not going to do that, but it is important to make sure that you practice separating their behavior from who you are, from your identity, basically. And one of the things that I find is very helpful when I do work with ADHD, adults, parents, kids even, is to make a distinction to to kind of zoom out, to say, all right, my teen has no friends and they're flunking all their classes. That's objectively what's happening. What I'm telling myself is I must suck as a parent, because this is what's happening. That's what I'm telling myself, and it's just that simple language separation to know that this is what I'm seeing and this is what I'm telling myself, so that way you can start to make this you're not fusing your thoughts and your your identity with the situation in front of you. You're not becoming a bad parent simply because your teen is making bad choices. So just just even stating that to yourself, I'm seeing this and I'm this is what I'm telling myself. My friend didn't text me back right away. What I'm telling myself is that they probably hate me and I've been ghosted again, and no one loves me, and I'll die alone. Okay, that is not what just happened. That is what I'm telling myself

Brooke Schnittman:

powerful language to distinguish the story and the fact and separate those two, and just naming those facts really like taps into the logical brain and takes you out of that amygdala of thinking, oh, gosh, this is about me. I am the problem,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

right? And then that way you can move into looking for evidence that proves or disproves it. That's what we often do in cognitive behavioral therapy, is you're taking this catastrophizing that you're doing, because they there seems to be evidence. Well, if someone hasn't texted me back, if my kid is flunking, then maybe those things are true, and maybe they're not true. So let's just look at the the evidence, and then also let's look objectively what's happening, and then what you're telling yourself, so that you're not fusing these things together. And I believe that that can be very helpful, because, like you said, when we're in our amygdala and emotional brain, we're not going to think clearly, we're not going to think logically. We're going to be very irrational and very like, oh my gosh, this is the worst thing ever, and we're not keeping those two things separate. So even if it doesn't cure you right away from the rejection sensitivity, you're at least creating some distance between the thing and the thought powerful.

Brooke Schnittman:

So we know that ADHD is very genetic, and you mentioned catastrophizing. So as a teenager with ADHD, there is a lot of catastrophizing. So how, as a parent, can you distinguish between ADHD catastrophizing, oppositional defiance and just teenage egocentric?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yeah, yeah. That's a great question, and one of the things that I tell parents and people in general, is there's lots of things that we do that are unhealthy, right? Lots of thoughts and behaviors that we do that that can be unhealthy, and they're just human. You're human, you know? But the distinction between what is typical behaviors, let's go with that first, what's typical behavior, and then what could be because of a diagnosis is how impairing it is, how impactful it is. So if you have a teenager who's thinking, Well, what if I take my test and I flunk? Okay, well, that is a normal, kind of typical thought process to have, especially if you haven't prepared for the test, or it's really hard, where you feel very anxious, like those are all possibilities. But then is it moving into impairing where now you're ruminating, like you're chewing on the thought you're now having stomach issues, maybe you have diarrhea, you're throwing up, you feel nauseous all of a sudden, you're too sick to go to school, you're avoiding the class. You're asking to be home schooled. You're you're avoiding eye contact with other people in the classroom, like, is it now becoming impairing to the point where you can't even function, because now that dial has been turned way up, and that's when you're maybe thinking of some of the avoidance that comes along with ADHD and anxiety. Anxiety, since it tends to go along with each other a lot and then, like what is happening here. So when it becomes impairing, and when there's so much heaviness and there's so much replaying over and over again, you might be dealing with a lot of the dysregulation that comes with the ADHD diagnosis. The odd is different. When you see a lot of oppositional behaviors, it's more of their oppositional, argumentative and finding ways to or being more explosive around the thing, having more arguments with you, slamming the door, breaking things, getting into fights at school, trying to get suspended, even it tends to be more outbreak outbursts, those kinds of things that you're seeing, because with ADHD kids, they're not necessarily going to be totally oppositional. There may be some behaviors like that, but you're not going to see it as much as you would for like an odd kid, so, but I always look for like, what is typical behavior, what is expected given the situation? You should be stressed when stressful things happen, but you shouldn't have such somatic and psychosomatic symptoms where your body is betraying you in some way, or the psychological distress is getting pushed onto the body where you're having the headaches, the stomach pain, the backaches, that kind of stuff, right, right, yeah.

Brooke Schnittman:

And with that, I know PDA is a relatively in the US, a new topic. In the UK, they've been talking about it a lot. Can you distinguish that for our listeners, with the difference between oppositional defiance and pervasive demand of avoidance?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yeah, I'm not familiar with that as much as I used to be, but I know that from a lot again, it's looking at how severe it is. So this pathological demand avoidance, when you look at even the terms in it, it's this persistent. It's it perseveres like it doesn't let up at all. And with I see with a lot of odd teens, it's not so much avoiding. They tend to confront things kind of head on. So they're not doing a lot of avoiding. They may be avoiding some emotions and the real emotions that are going on, but I find that with PDA, it's really they are avoiding anything that feels uncomfortable and anything where there's a demand being placed on them, and so they're not confronting it. They're they're consistently and persistently avoiding the thing because it just feels way too uncomfortable. And that's usually how I conceptualize it, but I'm not sure if that's completely accurate. So that's usually how I conceptualize

Brooke Schnittman:

it. Yeah, going back to loving the teen that you have, I know the word connection is huge. Calm, connected to your children. So with hormones and teenage years, there's lots of conflict. How do we transform that conflict into connection? Can you walk us through what it actually looks like in a real ADHD household?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

So what I find with a lot of ADHD teens is they seek connection through conflict, and they're not doing it on a very conscious level, but they're definitely doing it.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yes, that dopamine in trying to increase it through the negative conflicts. Okay, go on, yeah, yeah.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

So it's, it's like they get this stimulation, in a sense, because they've said something that got a rise out of their parent or their sibling, and so they'll say something like, yeah, you know, we're gonna have spaghetti for dinner. A parent says, and they're like, spaghetti is the worst. Sucks. You can't even cook, right? Okay? So, and you know it's their favorite. You know, they really like it. Why would they say that? Why are they like opposite boy now, because you're now doing something, and it's like, why? Like, why are you doing this? And, you know, but then what happens is the parent reacts, what do you mean? You love spaghetti. It's a thing that you ask for every Thursday, and then you react, and then they're like, bro, you know, why are you like? So, whatever. And now you get upset, and now you have this big explosion. And I've been I've heard from parents what they say, like, I feel like my my teen enjoys that, like they enjoy that I get angry, that they enjoy that they've gotten a rise out of me. And I'm like, Yeah, and you gave it to them, like you literally gave it to them. And so I see that a lot with teenagers, but especially with ADHD teenagers, they do a lot of that, pushing buttons, setting little Yeah, dig it in, you know, like parents tell me, like I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, like I'm in a battlefield, like it's all those different

Brooke Schnittman:

Oh, yeah.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

But I think it's like a dopamine hit for them, yes, like they. Like, they kind of enjoy it. And when I've worked, because I also work with teenagers, and they'll tell me, they'll tell me that they're like, Yeah, you know, like, I told my mom that her hair looked ridiculous, and like she got so upset it was hilarious. Like, like, yes. I mean, why did you do that?

Brooke Schnittman:

I used to hear this saying negative attention is better than no attention, right? And in this case, definitely for ADHD, hitting, yeah, yeah, hitting a nerve, yes.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

And then, so what I tell parents is, the key is to not allow them to get a rise out of you. Now, I don't believe that we should take it extreme. I think a lot of our gentle parenting type things that I don't like, that people have interpreted because it looks like permissive parenting when really a lot of gentle parenting is supposed to be authoritative. That's That's what research says is the best is love with limits. That's what it is, right? But how people hear, because I think it's the gentle they get stuck on, is they're like, You know, Bobby, don't say negative things about my hair, that's not nice. And I'm like, you can't use a teenager. Yeah,

Brooke Schnittman:

thanks for saying this.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

You can't talk to a teenager like that because one it sounds well, doesn't sound genuine,

Brooke Schnittman:

and you sound below them too. Totally. It sounds

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

condescending, and it's unrealistic, like if someone insults you and tells you your hair looks like trash, it is not a normal reaction to be like, Oh, Bobby. That hurts my feelings. Like that's to say it like that, and to approach it in such a gentle, non confrontational kind of way, it feels so disingenuous, like they don't they don't buy it. And I'm not saying you cuss out your teen and you like say, well, your hair looks like crap too, like you don't want to insult them. Because that's right, that's very, yeah, petty. But what you say is, you confront it. You Well, first of all, let's start with first notice what it's triggering in you, because many times those things are going to create a nervous system dysregulation in you, especially if you're neurodivergent, and especially if you feel tapped out. And so you don't have to correct and address every issue as it comes up. Sometimes you need to take a break for yourself, sure, and then you address it by saying, Wow, that was really rude. Say it for what it is that was really rude. It sounds like you're having a lot of stuff rattling around in your brain, and you just said the first thing that popped out of your mouth, let's let's try that again. Let's try that again. So one of the things I do a lot with parents, for parent coaching and with teens, is the redo. Just, you know, if you're about to say it, you can always back up that car, take a different exit if you've already said it, acknowledge that you have said something that was totally out of pocket, and take responsibility for it and just do it again. That's how you practice impulse control. That's how you practice self awareness. That's how you practice making good decisions. Those are all executive functioning skills we are trying to practice. And math

Brooke Schnittman:

exactly right? And so if you notice yourself, right?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

So if you notice yourself, you said, Mom, your hair looks like my bad. I was gonna say something real rude. Okay, can we try again? Or if it already fell out of your mouth, you can say, Wow, that was really rude. I'm really sorry. Can we try that again? Yeah, right, but that takes a lot of practice, and it takes a lot of self awareness, it takes a lot of humility to do

Brooke Schnittman:

and trust. I would think, yeah, because if you're authoritarian as a parent and so now you have the other dynamic, right? You don't have the like, extreme, gentle parenting, which was taken to a whole new level, but now you're the authoritarian, like, I'm in charge. You listen to me, right? They're not, they're not going to do a redo,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

no, oh no, because everybody's trying to be the right one, and I'm going to win this fight, right? I'm going to win this battle, and both the parent and the teen are thinking that, and that's where I really talk about, like, this, the cycle where it's your the parent is teaching the teen, while the teen is teaching the parent. And if you are this, like, Yo, you listen to me. And they're like, you know, I don't listen to anybody. You suck. And you it's like, they escalate while you escalate, and everybody's escalating until someone caves. But nobody wins in that situation. So the team wins the argument, and they get to go out with their friends, because you had enough of their asking well, that they really win, because now they feel like crap, and you feel like a terrible parent, and then if you win the argument, well, now you've grounded them and took away their phone for a month. Is that really winning? You know? Because then they just find different ways they think you just suck. Because I usually when I ask teens, well, why did you lose your phone for a month? Well, I don't know. My mom is just dumb, like they don't even know why they don't know. They don't know, they don't know, right? And so nobody. Really wins in that scenario. And you know, it's hard because you don't know what else to do. You think, Well, making their life miserable is the only way that they hear the message, but they're not even hearing it during that time,

Brooke Schnittman:

I hear a lot of parents who come to us who like, beat themselves up because they feel like they try so hard to get their children the help that they need, that they deserve, and they don't feel like they have the right strategies, the right reactions to them. So how can you repair over time with a teenager?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

That's where that taking ownership comes in with parents, and it's a hard one for them, because many parents didn't have that modeled for them. Yeah, most parents that, except this new generation that's coming up, they'll probably have, they'll have a different experience with their parenting journey. But most of us grew up with parents who just parented, and then if they made a mistake, then it's your fault or you never hear about it again. So having the idea of a parent being respectful of their teen and taking ownership of when they've messed up and then apologizing is really new ground for them. It's hard for me sometimes too to apologize when I screwed up, because, like, like, the other day, I have a 13 year old son and a 15 year old daughter, and my son was just like, relaxing, chilling, doing something like drawing or something, and I was like, Really, you're drawing? Like, shouldn't you be cleaning your room? And he's like, Oh, I did that already. Like he had done everything he was supposed to do, had made an assumption, and he's like, Yeah, I did it already, mom. And I was like, oh yeah. Kind of

Unknown:

like, try to like, okay, so you were

Brooke Schnittman:

sarcastic, and you're like, foot in mouth, okay, I need to try. And then I

Unknown:

was like, Oh, I'm sorry, yeah, thanks. Like, like, I was like, glitching,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

right? Because it's hard, like, I screwed up. I made an assumption that I should not have made, and that was wrong of me. And it was even in that moment, knowing that I was wrong, it was hard to apologize in that moment, you know, so be around so it is a it is a new skill set for many of us because it wasn't modeled for us. So it feels like we're being like a punk, like, like we're being too soft, yeah, because we are apologizing to kids. And it's funny, when I post about this online, I have a lot of people get triggered by the message of respecting your teen and apologizing to your teen, like they don't like that message,

Brooke Schnittman:

and you think it's because of the way that they were raised growing up, yeah?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Because they're like, well, they should be respecting us. Well, yeah, but you should also be respecting them too, and it's okay for you to apologize when you mess up. Like it's that is okay too. So I believe a lot of this is that we just have to to realize that we we don't have to be, especially as you have like, tweens and teens. You don't have to parent them. You shouldn't actually parent them the same way as when they're babies and toddlers. It should start to be more like you're coaching them to the point where then they start to move out of the house, and now you're a confidant, because you can't expect to have this authoritarian type power down, top down, type parenting child relationship, and then expect to be besties when they turn 18 and leave the house. Like, how did right switch can't happen if they couldn't stand you because you're always barking at them all the time.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yeah, that is fair. So now brings in the hormones, and I'm not even gonna go well, I'm saying it because I'm saying it so we have menstruation much younger these days, and then with boys, there's testosterone flying around. So how does a parent manage themselves and their parenting when, now on top of being a 14 year old, 1312, 11, even child, you have fluctuations in hormones every month.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yeah. So that is why, when I wrote this book, I really addressed tweens to teens, like nine to 19, and it's a large age gap because of the onset of puberty happening earlier and earlier, where girls are getting their periods at nine and 10, right? Like it's they're going through these changes much earlier, and a lot of people are noticing the switch, right? The body odor, having to wear deodorant sooner, like all of those kinds of things. So one of the best ways, I believe, like when you're dealing with a lot of these hormonal changes, or even like a new diagnosis, you just find out they had ADHD, and they're not understanding what it means, or whatever it is, it should always start with education. Always educate them about it so they understand it. Because a lot of our tweens and teens feel. Like they're freaks of nature, because they're going through these things, and they think they're the only ones, when it's like, Dude, you are not the only one going through this, but they still feel that, and because a lot of them, developmentally, are going through this imaginary audience phase where everybody is looking at me, everybody's noticing me. So we have to start by educating them, you know, I noticed that your body is changing, and they're like, ooh, that's cringe, Mom, you know, and that you're getting hair in places that you didn't have before. Let's look at a book talking about puberty. You like, have conversations with them that you're also going to notice that you're probably going to see mood swings. You're going to notice that, you know, it's what they call PMS. These things happen for some people. It's a few days before some people, as they as they start, you're going to feel like you might look different than other people, or people are passing you in their development, and you're lagging behind. Like there's all these things that it's really about having conversations with them about it, and normalizing it, normalizing it, because if they feel like it's something weird and taboo, then they're going to feel more like a stranger to their own body and then thinking that nobody else is dealing with it. So I believe that the education comes with it, whether it's a diagnosis, whether it's hormones, changes in their body, their attitude like so that they know that they're not just copying an attitude with you. It might be hormonal too, that you might feel really sad and tearful and like no one loves you, and some of that might be hormonal and your brain is tricking you into thinking this is how it's always going to be. And so I think we need to educate them on these things so they know that it feels miserable, but it's also very normal.

Brooke Schnittman:

Can you you had said something when you first started talking that really struck a chord with me? Was it? Did you refer to it as they're on stage, or Everyone's looking at me like a negro thing? Yeah, imaginary audience. Tell me more about that, please.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yes, it is a very common psychological phenomenon that occurs in the teenage years with this imaginary audience. And you see it like, when you go out, like, say, you go to, you know, the mall, or to the movie theater or something, and you see a group of teenagers, and they're being extra loud, and they're like, Oh my gosh. And they're like, looking around, oh my gosh, stop it. And they're like, constantly looking around, and it's like that, like, I'm on stage, and everybody is like, looking at me, like, oh my gosh, right. And that's that imaginary audience that they think that everybody is noticing me, and that's why they get this pimple on their face and, like, I can't go to school, bro, because everybody's gonna be looking at this. Looking at the zit. And I'm like, what I don't I don't see anything. Like, what are you talking about? And it's this, this spotlight. I'm on stage, and I am the main character, and everybody is noticing me. And it can be super entertaining to watch at times. It could be highly annoying at other times. And social media hasn't helped at all, because then they are, I

Brooke Schnittman:

was gonna say, like, they actually, like, are doing it in the chat. Hey, chat, watch it right,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

exactly, and so they're seeing it. And I was in LA a few weeks ago, and I got together with a friend, and we went to this really nice Italian restaurant, and there was, like, like eight or 10 girls, probably like 1314, and they were all recording tiktoks, and we wanted to get a picture. And we were trying to, like, get the waiter, but he was, like, so busy and stuff. And I was like, You know what, if we want to get a really good picture, we need to ask one of these girls, yes. And then this girl, before we could even get it out of our mouth, like, can you take? Oh, I would have to take a picture. She had it, she had the phone down, that she had up all these kinds of ways. And the pictures turned out amazing, right? But it's that whole vibe, like everybody's looking at me, main character energy, I'm like, amazing. So when they feel really good about themselves, it can be great. But when they don't feel good about themselves, when they're struggling with their diagnosis, or they're struggling with mood issues, or feeling isolated or feeling left out, then it can be even worse, because then it's like everybody else is doing well in life, and I'm a loser. So yeah, but it's that imaginary audience that tends to occur during the teenage

Brooke Schnittman:

years. I never heard of it as that, and that's perfect. Yeah,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

yeah. Very common, wow, wow.

Brooke Schnittman:

What's something you wish that every ADHD adult understood about their teen's brain?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Hmm, that they are they're trying just as much as you are. Because when they miss the MARC, you know, they can't focus long enough to do their homework, or they always get interrupted in the middle of cleaning their room. They can't you have to tell them to do the thing 10 times. It feels like defiance, and it feels like they're being rebellious or lazy. And. But they're just trying, like as an adult with ADHD, you know about it now, because look at all these resources. You have these podcasts and these books and these coaching like that stuff didn't exist when you were younger. And so now you are at this in this advantageous time where you're pouring into yourself so that you could be a better parent, a better human being, a better spouse or partner, and you're trying to teach it to your teen as well too, but their brain is still growing and developing, and they're not going to master it right away. So when they're struggling, it's because they're struggling. So I think we have to give more compassion and grace to them when they're struggling and trying not to make it into a character flaw or some deficiency or labeling it as part of their identity, that it's just struggle, because building executive function skills are hard and it takes time. It takes time. So if they're 10 or 15 or 19, like it takes time. And so I think we have to be more patient, and it's really hard because they get these teens get so many negative messaging around their behaviors and their thought processes and and I think we have to get a let up a little bit.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yeah, I understand and letting up that, it brings me to another point. So so many I know we kind of bounced around this in different ways, but so many parents think that they need to be friends with their kids. What is that? How do you draw that balance between I'm your parents, but you're also a teenager, and I'm going to coach you and I'm going to respect you, but also know who's in charge.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yes. So this is a belief, I believe, another area, where people push back a lot, and they take it to one or the other extreme. So you can be in a relationship with your teen, where they just truly enjoy hanging out with you and you and truly enjoy their presence. You're very cordial with one another, very kind to one another, you're very friendly with them. You enjoy their presence, and you can even be friends with your teen. But it doesn't mean that you lose this ability to parent them like we're not talking permissive or neglectful type parenting. We're not talking to the point where you have no boundaries, no curfews, no rules, no nothing, to the point where you want your teen to like you so much and be such friends with them and their friends that you don't have any authority or control whatsoever, like that. That's not what we're talking about. And actually, the research shows that permissive parenting in that way is harmful for teens. They perform worse on test scores in school, worse self. They need structure. We need structure. And being overly friendly, overly permissive is not helpful. And so it's really about being in a relationship with your teen where they really do like being around you and hanging out with you. And so I think we get too caught up in the word friend, but it's it's really about just having a relationship, where there's a connection and there's a level of respect, where they do enjoy you and you enjoy them that you want to go shopping and you'd like to bring your daughter along, you're going to go get your haircut to the barber, and you bring your son along like you enjoy those things. And so I don't think we have to get caught up in is this, you know, am I being a friend to my kid or not? No, you're just enjoying one another's presence and just let it be that you have the love with the boundaries, and that's what they need. And then as they leave your home and they move off to college, the military, their work, their job, whatever it is, then it can transform into a true friendship, where you're not having to parent them anymore because you've already provided the foundation, and you can be truly best friends, or friends if you even choose to be. And so, yeah, I think it's just it's a little tricky in terms of the label, because I think then people hear friend and they think, Oh, no boundaries, no rules, and we're just like besties and like we're smoking and drinking together? Well, no, we're not talking.

Brooke Schnittman:

No, no, no, no, no, we're not besties. I love what you said with love with limits. And I actually just have a personal question, because this, this is very true to me. I'm not sure what your experience is with step parenting teenagers. Any advice to step moms who are parenting teenagers? I have

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

a really good friend who is a step parent to a teenager. She a few years ago when her stepson was watching this show and she didn't understand it. So she she knew that I was a big Marvel fan, so she reached out to me so I could provide like this, like Cliff's Notes version of the show. And so I was talking to her about it and educating her, and she's like, I don't get it. I don't know if I like it. I'm not sure. And so I said, No, I think you should watch it with him. And it was a really good bonding moment for them, because it was a really good show, and she ended up really liking it. It was one division, and it's. A unique show, and it had such good messaging in it that they were able to talk about and so I think one of the biggest things I would say for stepmom step parents is you don't need to try to be a second mom or a second dad to them. Yeah, they have that already, or they may not, but you don't need to replace that for them, you're just the bonus, right? You're the dessert. And so you, I believe, especially if it's a new relationship, focus more on the connection and the relationship, and don't focus so much on setting and reinforcing rules, yeah, because they need to, depending on the circumstances that why they're in your life, or you're in there's a death, a divorce, whatever it is they need. They might have issues with trusting or or feeling angry, feeling betrayed, and there, there could be a whole bunch of other underlying feelings going on there, and so you want to tread very lightly and have more of a relationship with them and really connecting with them on their terms, and not pushing too much. Yeah. And so I really believe that you should focus more on that and less about reinforcing the homework, reinforcing the rules, doing a lot, let their biological parent focus on that, and then you can move into that role eventually. Yeah. I wish

Brooke Schnittman:

someone told me that when I first started step parenting. Yeah, yeah. There's a little bit of repair that's happening right now.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Yeah, yeah. It's hard because you think, Well, I can't let them walk all over me and just run the house. Well, no, you're not doing that, but you're trying to move into a relationship where they will listen to you and respect that and see you in that role. But you can't just bully your way

Brooke Schnittman:

automatically, exactly, exactly. Yep. And you know, even if you were their step parent when they were toddlers, right, it's still the same thing. It doesn't matter when you enter their life, you still need to play that role of connecting and loving and letting their biological parents be their parents. That's such powerful advice. Yeah. So another question, what do you wish schools or professionals understood about the dynamic between ADHD parents and kids?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Great. One I wish, and when I do presentations at schools, I emphasize this a lot. I wish that they focused more on building executive function skills in the first eight weeks, then teaching stuff that isn't going to matter in the long run.

Brooke Schnittman:

Yes, I used to be a special education teacher before I became an ADHD coach, and I had a class that was an executive function class. And I was like, This is amazing. I'm teaching these children with IEP is the skills that they need for life. But what about everyone else? Right? We don't teach that. We don't teach that. So true. We just let our parents and teachers be our executive functions. And then you go up to college and you have no idea how to and then you have, you don't have developed executive functions because you are still developing but you also haven't trained your executive functions

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

Right exactly. So I think if the if they focused on that and building that, that would be so powerful, because if, for example, you're teaching impulse control and frustration tolerance, then when, when they get to that hard math problem, or when they get to the essays or the long project, they will have those skills to be able to handle it, you'll have less behavioral issues, less detention, less calling the parents and blaming each other, blending themselves, burnout from teachers, because they'll have the skills, and then you can weave it in throughout all your lesson planning. And I believe that a lot of times what schools and teachers sometimes miss because they're working hard, and a lot of teachers are under resourced, and schools are just struggling that they're putting it on the parent, and then the parents are putting it on them, and so then everybody is missing each other because they're not learning the foundational stuff. So I really believe schools need to do have that more as a foundational thing, and they will have they'll save so much more time and energy and stress, because then they can also on to the

Brooke Schnittman:

money too. For the parents, I mean, that's why they come to executive function coaches, because their children aren't getting that in

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

school, right? Exactly, exactly.

Brooke Schnittman:

Oh, that's huge. I love that. So such valuable information here today, and I really cannot wait for people to get their hands on your book. Love the team that you have. I'm guessing it's on all major bookstores. Yes. Go buy it. Go read it,

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

and they can find it'll be available on audiobook, hardcover. I narrated myself. I spent hours in the studio doing that. So I'm very happy that it's available audiobook. And wherever you know, online, their local bookstore, they can find that wherever books

Brooke Schnittman:

are sold. Awesome. And where can people find you?

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

I'm most active on Instagram at Dr dot Ann Louise dot Lockhart. I have lots of fun on that platform, also on my website at Dr. Ann Louise lockhart.com, and yeah, so those are the best places. And then also my YouTube channel, which I'm finally building up because my son told me that it was weak, so I finally built that up. Did he say

Brooke Schnittman:

bra? It's weak?

Unknown:

No, he did not. He said it not with the bra.

Dr Ann-Louise Lockhart:

He just said it was weak and I needed to up my game. I have done that this year.

Brooke Schnittman:

Okay, okay, I love it. Well, thank you again for being here such valuable content, and we hope to see you back soon. Thanks, Brooke, thanks for listening to this episode of successful with ADHD. I hope it helps you on your journey, and if you need any additional support for you or a loved one with ADHD, feel free to reach out to us at coaching with brooke.com and all social media platforms at coaching with Brooke, and remember, it's Brooke with an E. Thanks again for listening. See you next time you.

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Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC

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