Sensual Being
A podcast hosted by Jolene, tapping into your inner wildness, and how you connect with yourself, others and the world around you.
With 20 years experience teaching woman to pole dance, an addiction to Yoga, and a desire to connect with animals and be in nature, Jolene will unlock parts of your soul you didn't know needed unlocking.
This postcast covers many topics including; confidence, intimacy, kink, intentions, and becoming more aware of how we see ourselves.
Sensual Being
Ep 112 - Sex, Trust & Long-Term Desire
Remember the electric excitement of new love—that can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other feeling that makes your skin tingle before they've even touched you? That's not just chemistry; it's powerful energy work happening naturally. But what about when that initial spark fades? Does it mean something's wrong with your relationship?
Absolutely not. Drawing from nearly two decades of experience connecting people with their bodies and sensuality, I'm diving deep into the natural evolution of desire in long-term relationships. That initial infatuation serves a purpose—it pulls us together with magnetic force. But as relationships mature, something more profound develops if we let it.
Think of it like this: you have 100 points to distribute across your relationship. At first, most go toward lust and chemistry. As you build trust and understanding, those points redistribute—not disappearing but transforming into something richer. This shift explains why many women find their arousal patterns change in established relationships. Your body's response isn't broken; it's simply operating in a different mode that requires more intention and presence.
The real enemy isn't time—it's complacency. When we substitute Netflix marathons for conversation, scroll through social media instead of looking into our partner's eyes, or stop making time for physical connection, we're actively dismantling intimacy. The antidote? Curiosity. About your partner's body. About their fantasies. About what makes them feel seen and desired. Creating playful tension through teasing and anticipation. Building sexual energy throughout the day through subtle touches and suggestive messages.
Whether single or partnered, we must fight the numbing effects of modern life that disconnect us from our sensuality. Find something that ignites your curiosity, look at the world with wonder, and most importantly—lead with your heart and live with intention. Your relationship (and your life) will thank you for it.
Mentioned Episodes, Ep 1 Steps to Self Love and the meditation for steps to self love is between Ep 69 and 70.
- If you would like to connect further you can find me on Instagram @jolenesensualbeing
- You can sign up to my mailing list here: Sensual Being Mailout
- My Youtube channel: SensualBeingJolene
I hope you enjoy your day.
Jolene
x
Hello and welcome to the Sensual being podcast with myself, your host, jolene Whiting. I have been a pole dance teacher for nearly 20 years. I'm also a yoga instructor and my favorite pastimes are connecting to my own sensuality, connecting with the world and connecting with animals as well. In this podcast, you'll find new and inventive ways of how you see yourself, connecting yourself with others, and also how you see and view the world around you. Today's episode is not one for the young ears, so I have warned you there. Not one for the young ears. We are talking about long term relationships and particularly when you feel the spark needs to be lit.
Speaker 1:Hello, sensual being, and thank you so much for joining me here today. I hope you have been having an amazing summertime so far, either getting out in the morning sun or the evening sun and really kind of basking in those golden rays when they are there. Make the most of them when they are there, because, you know well, I live in the UK so they're not always going to be there, but that's okay and also make the most of when it rains as well, because, oddly, this summer there hasn't been a lot of rain, but I guess there's other reasons for that. So our topic today is quite an interesting one and I think it can affect all of us in many ways at different parts of our life. So I would really like to talk to you life. So I would really like to talk to you, first of all about long-term relationships and romance, the honeymoon phase when you're in a new relationship, and what it can kind of do to us and how it can affect us as we go from the honeymoon phase into what we might deem as now. I'm in a long-term relationship. It doesn't really happen overnight, but you can all of a sudden think oh well, that honeymoon phase where we couldn't keep our hands off each other seems to be all gone now. That's sad. Where's it gone? And it hasn't gone, it's just manifested and evolved into so much more, hopefully. And if it hasn't, then that's okay too, because sometimes when we first get with somebody, there's so much more heightened emotion, there's so much more heightened chemistry. When you want to tap into energy work and you've never really done it before. When you first get with a new person and just sleeping together, and it's all very as soon as they, before they've even touched you, you can feel them. That is amazing energy work. You can really tap into it then because it's so much more heightened and you can just feel it in yourself and it's so lovely. I mean it's like you know, know, the hairs on your body stand up, you get all like tingly and goose pimply and you know, you get all like excited but also like what can come with. That is at the start of a relationship.
Speaker 1:Things can like feel quite uncertain and you think, oh, do they like me as much as I like them? I want to tell them how much I like them. And is it real or is it just lust? Do I love them? I love them, I love them. I want to tell them how much I like them. And is it real or is it just lust? Do I love them? I love them? I love them. Oh, I know. Maybe I just love them inside me. What's the difference? Oh, I don't know. But it feels good, it's so much and it's wonderful. It is wonderful.
Speaker 1:But it can really cloud our minds because when that goes but it can really cloud our minds because when that goes it's like a drug and we want more of it. And this is where loads of people end up cheating because they want more of that thing. They don't want to lose what they got, but they want more of that thing, that chemistry, that newness, that spark. You know that. You know maybe you know being illicit is how they get that spark as well, you don't know. You know everybody is wired slightly differently with this, but I would really like to talk about how this kind of goes forward because of the head fuck, literally, that it can be. So I do believe that we should feel safe and we should trust the people that we fall in love with or that we are, you know, getting closer to. I think that is so important. But trust will also build and when you're together at the start there is that kind of. I think there's more chemistry because there's more unknown and you need to know someone before you can fully trust them. So it's a process. It really really is. But I'm not saying that someone should be treating you mean and you should be liking it at the start. I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying. I don't believe that anybody should be getting messed around I'll call you and they're not calling and I don't believe in those sort of games. I just I don't believe in any of that.
Speaker 1:I believe in honest, open communication right from the start. Right from the start, I am the person who goes on a first date with somebody and I always make sure they know that I'm not interested in getting married and I'm not interested in having my own children. I've always been upfront about that and I feel like that's so important. And, yes, I've been with people who have said, oh, you know, a few months later, well, I thought you'd change your mind. I'm like well, no, that's why I told you. So I do believe in honest and open communication. I believe in everybody knowing where they stand. I fully believe that. But there's still an element of unknown which is why it can feel even more excited and heightened of emotions. So none of that is literally a bad thing, but it is just more heightened.
Speaker 1:Now I have heard many people say things like, particularly women. So I've heard many women say, oh well, he doesn't get me wet anymore, he doesn't get me wet, you haven't got me wet in ages. Now it is different for women and if we have got that heightened state of emotion going on, particularly at the start of being with somebody, then that wetness is there like straight away. There we go, but as we go on. That doesn't happen in the same way, but that is normal. I want to normalize this. Yeah, sometimes it might take a little bit more work to get there. When I say work, I don't really like that word, because it's not work, it's fun to get there. Yeah, yes, I'm smiling as we're talking about this, but women thinking that their partners don't get them wet anymore doesn't mean that they are done. It just means that heightened chemistry, for when you get together is just not there.
Speaker 1:In the same way and my partner I had a chat with him about it because I said I want to do an episode about this, but what's your take on it? I'd be be very interested to know. And he says well, I see it that you've kind of got like, say, a hundred points in a relationship, and I love the way he put this. He said you've got a hundred points in the relationship and when you start, so many of those points are going towards lust in you, unknown but excited, unknown, don't know. You don't know each other's rhythms, so you don't know what they're gonna do next. You know, and they're different. You know everybody touches each other differently as well. Everybody kisses differently and there's so much like new passion, in that it's a newness, you know, like when you get something and it's all shiny and new, you know, and then the novelty wears off a bit. But I want to be very careful with saying novelty wears off, because that's not also what I'm saying, but it's all very much focused like a lot more on lust and chemistry and then, as the relationship evolves, those hundred points and a lot of them were on lust they will now evolve to be more into trust, understanding of each other, getting to know somebody, knowing, knowing what somebody likes and them. Trusting you means you can do so much more. I mean, mean I used to like, I used to consider myself a bit of a slut, yeah, and it was interesting because I like that word and I've always loved that word.
Speaker 1:But some people who I've spoken to about it, they said, oh, I just assumed that you slept with many men. And I'm like, um, no, but what? Well, I don't know what do you think is many? And she said her number and I was like oh, no, no, I've not slept with that many men, no, and I think my number at that time was something like 11 or 12. It was something like that and she had reeled off a number like 90 something and I'm like, oh, oh, no, no, that's, that's not what I mean by slut. So to me the term slut is somebody, and it can be. You might have a different definition, you might be the same definition with what my friend said. You know the actual.
Speaker 1:I've slept with many guys but the term slut for me means somebody who very much enjoys sex. It's important to them, they make time for it and they just very much are happy with enjoying it, because not everybody's happy with enjoying it and it's okay if you're one of those and those people. That's okay too, because this has to meet you where you are. Yeah, and there are plenty of people who are paranoid about their bodies, you know. So they might wear stuff in bed that you know it doesn't really show their body. Or let's dim the lights. I mean I'm all for making a mood setting and not having like great big fluorescent tubes on for lights in the room, know, and actually make a mood, maybe colored lights, candles, you know, and I'm very big on that.
Speaker 1:But it depends on why you're doing that. If you're doing it to try and hide your body, try to do the work yourself to understand why that is and how can you appreciate your body more. And I've done a really good episode actually it's episode number one that I did which is my steps to self-love, and there's also a meditation that goes with it, which I did about a year ago to actually help you appreciate and accept your body and respect your body. And you might find that that relationship, if you can start to build that relationship with yourself, things will change, because I have not met a man who is in a long-term relationship with their partner and doesn't actually want to see them naked. Doesn't actually want to see them naked. So if you are someone who is paranoid about yourself, but you are with somebody, I bet they really do love you for the way you are. And if they don't, then there's the door. You can tell them to jog on or you can leave, yeah, so remember, you also have that choice. But when I've met people in long term relationships and they are still in love with each other, I have never met a man who doesn't want to see his women naked. So yeah, so just remember that your partner does actually want you. It's down to you to want yourself as well.
Speaker 1:So off on a little tangent. Where was I going with this tangent? I'm not quite sure. Oh yeah, so I think it was about when you actually know somebody and you get to know them and you share fantasies with them and things that you like, things that you don't like or things that you want to explore more. When you actually trust somebody, then the relationship can evolve to somewhere else. It's not just a quickie yeah, because actually a quickie probably for many people doesn't quite hit the spot, particularly if you're a little bit kinky or if there's like particular fantasies that you enjoy. Those are the sort of things that you need to like, share with each other so that you can actually evolve the relationship into more trust and deep meaning and you can go further along with this kind of route together, because you've sort of discussed things, you've got to know each other, whereas like the point system, more points will then go to that the each other. Whereas like the point system, more points will then go to that. The more longer term relationship it is, the more points go to that, if you let it, and then there'll be less points on the lust. So, where you might not get wet straight away as a woman, you might find it takes you a bit longer, but that's okay because actually you're maybe you're exploring something new with your partner and it's making the time to actually do this.
Speaker 1:And something else that can happen if you're not careful. And yes, it's happened to me before in a previous relationship, particularly when I went through a load of grief. I then wasn't interested in sex. Surprise, surprise, when you go through grief, sex isn't always the first thing on my agenda. And when I did kind of come back into it a bit, I had built up this barrier, this wall where I didn't want to tell my partner what I wanted, because I felt like, because I hadn't regularly done that or regularly had this time together, because I'd been grieving. I built up this wall where I thought, oh, my god, no, he'll just judge me, I can't tell him this, can't tell him that, don't want to, don't want to tell him this, and I don't even think you have to go through grief to actually build up that wall with somebody.
Speaker 1:I think we can very easily in life get complacent, particularly when there's children involved. You know that is that's going to change your life. So you need to find a new way forward after you've had kids, or more kids because life will change. But that's cool. Life is supposed to change. Life is not supposed to stay the same. Supposed to change. Life is not supposed to stay the same.
Speaker 1:But if we don't find those new pathways forward, if we don't make the time to actually talk with each other, if we don't make the time to actually be together and we just get bogged down with whatever is on our to-do list, the school run, what I've got to do next, the deadline, for we can get so distracted from our sexy time, fantasy time, romance time, and I'd also argue as well, if you're not even making the time for yourself on your own and I think a lot of the time as women we can be quite guilty of this. We don't give our time to our own self-pleasure. I don't seem to meet men, many men, who have that particular issue. A lot of the time it is the women. We can't give ourselves that time, and I think that's important. And it doesn't even have to be a lot of time.
Speaker 1:And orgasm does not have to be the main achievement from whatever you're doing, whether it's alone or with somebody. That doesn't have to be the main goal. You can actually enjoy just playing, you can actually enjoy that. But I think we're so conditioned I was anyway to whenever I watched like a sex scene on anything like a film or something. And as soon as the man enters the women oh, she's coming, she's climaxing. It's like no, no, it doesn't. Oh, my god, it doesn't work like that. Like it just seriously doesn't. If you're one of the very small amount of women who that works for, then hats off to you. You must be having orgasms all over the place.
Speaker 1:But generally that's not how it happens and, to be honest, there's nothing more of a tease than when you get all wound up and it's all like sexual chemistry between each other. Then your partner goes okay, we're done, now put your panties on and you're gonna go about the rest of your day and think of me and you're like I need to come. And they're like no, you're not. You know, it's so much fun. Because then this energy gets taken through the rest of your day. This like so.
Speaker 1:If you are somebody in a long-term relationship who says, oh, my partner doesn't get me wet anymore, and if you play like that, either you might do that to them or they might do that to you, and then you're like oh, my God, I just want you to make me cum, yeah, and you've got that sexual tension, that energy to carry you through the rest of your day, you know, and you can carry on like sexting each other, winding each other up. Maybe that happened in the morning and you're going to work and you're not going to see them till the evening. Can you imagine the sexual tension building up all throughout the day? This is not something I'm saying to do to spite each other, by the way, so don't. It's all about the intention. If you're doing it, oh well, you know. Well, fuck you. Then I'm not going to give you your cum or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's not that. It's not that. It's more focused on bringing you closer by creating a sexual tension between you, and you're walking around all day with this secret that only you two know in your day. You know it's not something that is being put out into the world, it's something between you two. It's building that sexual chemistry and that sexual tension and energy between you. And you can't tell me that doesn't sound like a little bit of fun.
Speaker 1:But, like I say, who does it to who? I don't know, I don't know, depends who's listening to this podcast with this idea. It's a bit harder if you say, right, I want you to play with me, but I don't want you to let me come. It's like you're sort of holding all the chips and you know it's not the same when you know that that's going to be the thing. And yeah, I'm just sitting here thinking I really hope that my partner doesn't decide to listen to this episode, because whilst I say it's a really good idea, at the same time I'm going to be thinking, oh no, don't do that to me, because it's just it's I don't know, it's just so much fun. It makes me go all gooey just thinking about it. But yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So it really comes down to your perception of your relationship. And if you take the point system and think, okay, there's 100 point for a relationship, and then at the start of the relationship, a lot of those points are directed towards lust and chemistry. But as the relationship evolves, you develop those points away from that and more into connection, romance, understanding of the other person, being more adventurous, creating more fantasy. But it actually also takes effort because you actually need to get to know the person and that actually does take time. But that, to me, feels so beautiful to do and I'm I'm so down for that like creating more connection between two people or well more depends how you want to do it.
Speaker 1:I'm not here to say what is the right way, whether it's like one couple or a throuple or whatever. It is completely down to you how you live your life. Whether you're straight, gay, bi or whatever, that doesn't matter. What matters is the connection between you, the understanding between you, you, the understanding between you, and also, like I said earlier, knowing where each other stands and being honest, not only to your partner or partners, but to yourself. Is this what you want? Are you getting out of it what you need? Are you being taken for a ride? Not in a good way. You need to make sure that all these things are in balance and in harmony, because if they're not, then this isn't the right thing for you, whatever it is.
Speaker 1:So you need to remember that you actually have a choice in what you are doing and things, finding the line between what is fantasy and what you actually want to have happen. I think there's an interesting line. There might be some stuff that's fantasy that you think I seriously would not do that, but I like to talk about it, and there might be other stuff which is like I need to do this in my life. My life is going to be richer for having done it. And there might be some stuff that you do and you think, oh no, I'm not doing that again, that is not for me. I thought it was, but nope, and that's okay too, and that's all part of the fun. Seriously, it's all part of the fun to find out and whilst this has been very much a relationship episode, this actually does stem on a little bit into just your general life or single life, because it's that complacency that we can have.
Speaker 1:So when I talked earlier about you might then, after the lust has kind of dwindled off, you might then get complacent with your partner. We can actually get complacent just in our life, whether you're single or in a relationship. Now, when you're single, when you get complacent with your life, it can look like things like just being stuck in a rut, bored, not making the time for the things that you enjoy, just saying yes to whatever you want your friends want to do, even though you're thinking I don't know if I want to do this anymore or go to that place anymore, and you've got to try and think what can I do in my life to actually come away from complacency? Because I honestly believe that no one should feel complacent about their life. Whether you're single, in a relationship, it doesn't matter, your life is important. Whether you've got a relationship or not, doesn't that doesn't matter to make your, your life important or not?
Speaker 1:So you need to get curious about life, whether it's about yourself or about other things in life. And one of the things and you might think, oh, and I'm not really bothered about that, if you have that sort of attitude, I'm not bothered about this, not bothered that then you definitely need to find something to get bothered about and get curious about in your life. Because as soon as we lose that curiosity so children are curious about everything and that curiosity we sort of grow up and we sort of seem to think we've been there, done it all sometimes. And this is why I think it's fascinating when people love to travel, because that curiosity of going to another place, how do other people live, or anything, that is curiosity. Now, when we start to just let that go and not be bothered, then life can be getting very mundane and we stop appreciating it.
Speaker 1:So I urge you to find something to get curious about, and one of the things for me personally that my curiosity has really peaked and I've started connecting loads of dots in my life with this, and it's about, for example, trees and now more so this year, plants. Seriously get curious. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't matter, but get curious as to how a massive oak tree can come from a tiny little acorn and that tiny little acorn can produce one massive oak tree and then that oak tree every year produces thousands of acorns, which those can then plant, and then they become more acorn trees with thousands upon thousands of acorns on those every single year. This is what I mean. It's let your curiosity take over for something. It doesn't matter what it is.
Speaker 1:I find nature-based things really curious, because you can pick anything in nature. You can pick an animal, just get curious about it. It might be one that's like on your doorstep, or it might be one that's like in the jungle and you don't live there like a tiger. Get curious about it, think about it Like think about the stripes on a tiger, think about the fact that they're like a fingerprint. You know, none of them are ever the same. Think about how they evolved to have them and just get curious about them, and your life will start to change with this curiosity, because we can get complacent with ourself and get stuck in a rut. Is your job the right thing for you? You know, you can look at all these things to see what is the right thing, and it might just be. You just need to take yourself out, have some you time, go somewhere, somewhere different, eat something different, make something different, create something different, just to kind of get out of that rut.
Speaker 1:So this complacency can affect you, whether you're in a relationship or single, and we have to be very careful because it likes to worm its way in. And the way complacency worms its way into our life is through distractions, things that numb us, the things that we watch. A lot of the time. The way screens numb our minds by sending in the visual is huge. So things like Netflix, gaming, screen time, doom scrolling, social media all of that will really harm us if we let it. And then, all of a sudden, all you do with your partner is just watch Netflix together. That's it. That's all you do. You've got to be so careful because a lot of that stuff I've just said is highly addictive as well.
Speaker 1:So just be aware of it. Use it in smaller doses. Become aware of when you haven't really seen that. You've been with your partner all day but you haven't seen them. Have you looked into their eyes? Have you actually seen them today? Because this sort of stuff, it can slip away so easily.
Speaker 1:And I really believe I mean I say it on the end of each episode to lead through your life with your heart and to live with intention, that is what you need to do in a relationship, because if you don't lead with any intention in your relationship, you will let so much just slip away. Then, all of a sudden, you'll realize that you don't feel anything towards them and you don't really want them to touch you. You just don't really feel anything. And then are you going to stay with them or are you going to leave them, leaving them? Oh, we've got a mortgage together. Oh, we've got kids together, but I have just met someone else I really like and I'm just going to'm just gonna go and see them and say I'm staying late at work.
Speaker 1:You can see how this stuff happens because we get lazy, complacent, we numb ourselves with things that take us away from the present moment and, before you know it, we don't want that present moment with the person that we're with and we've let it go. We can actually let these things go if we're not careful. So I do believe that to stay in love with somebody, you actually need to make the effort and not just become lazy and it's very easy to become lazy nowadays oh my God, it is so easy. So if you are someone who is feeling that and you're, maybe you're a bit bothered by what I'm saying you're not alone. This is why I got rid of my TV, because I could feel it happening to me.
Speaker 1:So it is, whatever it is for you. Is there something you need to just cut down a bit, make a bit more time for something else? You've got to find out what these things are for you, as you have the power in your life to actually make these changes, make these choices of how you want to actually go through your life. So I hope you found some clarity in amongst all of that. Feel free to take the bits that resonate with you, leave out the rest and remember, as always, to lead through your life with your heart and to live with intention. Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you enjoyed this episode, please do share it with your friends and on social media. If you have the time to rate or review this podcast, I'd be ever so grateful. If you'd like to follow me on instagram, you can find me at jolene sensual being. The links to my youtube and to sign up to my mailing list will be in the show notes as well. I look forward to speaking with you again very soon.