Ep 56 Family Healing: Heather Rhodes on Setting Boundaries and Embracing Change

When the echoes of family conflict reverberate through your life, it's time to listen—really listen—to the wisdom of Heather Rhodes from Fixing the Fix. Our latest podcast episode features this seasoned social worker, mediator, and licensed chemical dependency counselor as she shares the map for navigating the rocky terrain of mental health and substance use within families. Heather's journey is not just a tale of professionalism; it's a personal expedition through rough waters, leading to the lighthouse of setting boundaries and engaging in effective conflict resolution. Her insights shed light on the often dark and twisted paths we tread in family dynamics, especially when children's futures hang in the balance.

This episode doesn't just stop at boundaries; it's about blueprints for life. With Heather's guidance, we explore the art of charting a course towards healthier relationships by recognizing the patterns that signal a need for change—be it anxiety, confusion, or deception. The discussion pivots to the transformative potential of embracing uncomfortable growth, of tuning into instincts that clamor for a break from cycles of dysfunction. We underscore the power of clear communication, self-care, and setting goals that anchor us as we brave the waves of change. For those ready to captain their own ship amidst family storms, Heather Rhodes not only offers her compass but extends a hand to join her vast network of support through Fixing the Fix, ensuring listeners know where to turn for her expertise.

Heather Rhodes is accepting new clients (including on weekends and evenings). Connect with her through her website: https://www.fixingthefix.com/

Transcript

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 0:05

Welcome back to another episode of the Telewellness Hub podcast. I'm Arden Hamilton, your host, and today our guest is Heather Rhodes. Heather is a social worker, mediator and licensed chemical dependency counselor. Her company is called Fixing the Fix, and Fixing the Fix is a wonderful organization that helps family members who live with loved ones who have a mental health or substance use disorder and conflict resolution. Welcome.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 0:32

Heather. Thank you so much, Marta. I'm happy that you had me on today.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 0:37

Yeah, I was so excited to talk to you because I did a little background research when I found you and I know you've done a lot of work and have a really interesting background with your clinical work as a mediator just helping other families and before we dive into really looking at what conflict resolution looks like navigating mental illness and substance use with family members or loved ones I am curious if you don't mind sharing, why do you do the wellness work that you do?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 1:11

Well, of course, I believe anybody who gets into this field has a personal background with it that drives them to want to help others and it creates that fire and that passion inside to want to help others and it creates that, that fire and that passion inside to want to see, seek change. And you know, there was a time in my life where I had to seek change for myself and I had a counselor that I went to tell me, you know, if one thing doesn't change in your relationship, then nothing's going to change. And after years of going through a cycle of dealing with a loved one who was an alcoholic and being on this roller coaster ride and being codependent and dealing with with the crazies, you know, if I look back of all of the stuff that I did and that I couldn't believe that I did and how I lived, and even friends would ask me how do you put up with that? And so I was.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 2:18

This statement that she made was very simple, but it finally was an aha moment for me where it made a lot of sense and I was kind of like, you know, oh crap.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 2:35

You know I have to be the change. You know, in order for anything to change, I have to be the change. And it was scary and it took a lot of courage and I knew that my life was going to change drastically and I was going to have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to move forward. Because, you know, I was moving forward as a single parent and with with three kids, and I knew that it was going to be a change for them as well. And, you know, as a parent, we all want to protect our children and we want them to have the stability in their lives and to not have to go through these kinds of situations. But ultimately, I knew that being in the situation we were in may even make things worse for them and me than better and for the person that I loved, you know, because there wasn't any change being affected.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 3:42

Thanks so much for for sharing so openly. I know it takes a lot of vulnerability. I love that you brought up how much courage is involved. It takes a lot of courage because there's so many uncertainties, so much unknown Prior to recording and I don't think I've shared on this podcast. I have my, I have my own background in an Al-Anon meeting. Sitting there, thinking, looking at you know, with tears and you know some type of peace, and sometimes like what happened? Why did this happen? Just really looking at, okay, I didn't cause this, I can't cure it and I can't control it either, and that is scary. That is a scary thing to step into being like, okay, I've got my kids, I've got me, and I feel like I have no control about what's going on in the future and what I expected has been derailed completely.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 4:41

Yeah for sure.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 4:42

Yeah, and you know I found and learned in this, you know work and recovery journey that I've been on is our expectations are premeditated resentments, and I had a lot of resentments about this change that I was going to have to make because you know it wasn't what I expected or, you know, really signed up for.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 5:06

You know nobody gets married to get a divorce and you know that is that's not the goal or the outcome that we want and but it happens. And so I found that you know, with a lot of people on this journey in dealing with mental health even, and addiction and substance use disorders in general, that it's very difficult in relationships with communication, with conflict resolution, with focusing on ourselves and having appropriate self-care, and that starts with having boundaries, and boundaries are something that are uncomfortable for us as human beings to have for others, because if we weren't taught to have them growing up and we need to implement them at some point in our lives, it's difficult to make that change, because nobody wants to be uncomfortable and it's we need to sit with ourselves at times and allow our children to even to be in a space where they're uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable, it's really okay and it's okay for us to learn how to do hard stuff.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 6:32

You know, you brought up, you'll see me drawing some notes. You brought up the boundaries and conflict resolution. I know boundaries can be a form of facilitating our self care and it's hard to communicate effectively if we have resentment. I love that statement. Expectations are premeditated resentment such a powerful statement, so hard to communicate effectively if you feel resentment. But what are some, I guess, practical tips or suggestions you provide to family members when it comes to implementing boundaries, knowing that it'll probably cause conflict? Right, I think that's one of the hard things. It's just typically boundaries aren't always met with, uh, like a thumbs up, like okay, sounds good, I will honor and respect your boundaries. So how do you? Well, it doesn't work that way.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 7:25

I mean, I hate to even say say it this way, but you know, I, honestly, you know, come from a really what we say today unbalanced family and we, they didn't know how to have boundaries or how to resolve conflict. And you know, I I this is going to be a wild statement to hear, but I really had a family member one time that when I was setting a boundary that said fuck your boundaries, I don't care about your boundaries, and I was like, wow, you know, I feel really disrespected and I mean really, though, if someone's not respecting your boundaries, that is essentially what they're saying. You know, you know I don't respect you and I'm not going to do that. You and I'm not going to do that. And so what I say to people and I feel like I have to be very direct with family members and clients you know, fix yourself first. That's the reason why, you know, my, my business is now changed and I changed the name of it for this very reason it's fix yourself, fixing the fix, but we're fixing our own fixes. Fix yourself first, because if we don't fix ourselves, then you know it's hard for us to really and truly help anyone else in the way that they need to be helped and that is with setting boundaries.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 9:02

And my tips are, with setting boundaries, when we set them, we have to stick to them. And when you set a boundary, you are going to experience the person who you set the boundary with I would say kind of retaliating or, you know, kind of being I call it a rat or a rat attack. They're going to lash out at you. If you understand, like you're going to feel them lashing out because they are not used to that and they don't want you to change what you've been doing, and so they will lash out. And then it's important to restate your boundary and make it effective and help them to understand that you are not changing your mind.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 10:00

This is what you've decided and you know this is what works for me. It may not work for you, but this is how I need to take care of myself, and so you may have to reinforce that boundary again. And then I believe that what we call it next, or what I like to refer to it is, is sometimes there will be, after two or three times of setting boundaries, a burst of extinction, and that is where a person finally realizes and they're like, wow, she's really not going to change and I'm not going to be able to get my way Like a temper tantrum with a toddler. You know, so to speak, she is going to stick to this and this is not going to change. And so, anyway, then they realize that I'm not going to be able to push the same buttons anymore that I've been pushing for a long time in order to manipulate and get my way with this person and have them back down.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 11:16

Yeah, the retaliation you mentioned, that's so hard. At what point do you see it kind of navigate towards conflict resolution? So this is like boundary setting and being able to protect your peace right and establish and be consistent. It sounds like not giving in just for that extinction period and having a recognition of those. Boundaries are pretty, are firm. How does that tie in when it comes to conflict resolution? What do you see come up? Whether it's in you know, is it that being unable to have conflict resolution or handle conflict even prior to that leads to that kind of retaliation? What do you see usually come up with this? Just with your background as a mediator, I mean, I'm sure you really have delved into this.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 12:07

Yes. Well, with being a mediator and from that standpoint and conflict resolution, I mean really we want to think about the right now and the future with someone else. You know typically people that have been engaged in conflict. There have been a lot of stuff happened in the past and in the history.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 12:30

Well, we have to move past the past and you need to look at that person and the situation at today and how they are today and how you know I am today and what, what I need to take care of myself and my needs and wants and also think about the future, like where do we want this relationship to go or do we want it to go anywhere?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 12:56

And how does that look for the future and think in terms of what our goals are and what we would both like our guidelines to be for the future. In this relationship, whether it's a personal relationship, whether it's a business relationship, like in organizations, there's a lot of conflict in colleges, with students and professors and that organization, there's conflict and being able to set guidelines that both people can live by and knowing that they have a voice and they can be heard, understood and, you know, cared about with the place that they're coming from and working together to resolve that conflict. You know from the positions of interest that where they need to get their needs met, and so everybody has a certain position that's important to them and so I believe hearing that and understanding that is and taking the time, you know, to really listen and communicate, that is important.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 14:16

Yeah, the listening part. I love what you mentioned, just looking at your own goals. Listening part I love what you mentioned just looking at your own goals and letting go. Maybe not letting is it letting go of the past, but looking at the present and the future, like where am I right now, where do I want to go? And a lot of that is, I'm sure, goal setting. Is that something that comes?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 14:39

up a lot in your work with the family members. The family members, well, I do look at what do we want the outcome to be. You know how do we want this to look in. You know, a few months from now. You know maybe even a week or two from now. Short term goals, you know long, you know moderate, you know, and then long term, and you know what we are living with today.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 15:07

Also, you know, in a relationship, we may decide and we all get to decide for ourselves, but we may decide, you know, at some point, if this continues and this kind of behavior that I'm experiencing with this other person in the relationship or in a business partnership, you know, you know at some point I'm not going to be able to do this anymore because it's not working for me. And so, helping that person also to understand you know that and where you're coming from, because you know maybe it's toxic. It could be a toxic relationship, like personal relationships or marriages can become toxic, and but business partnerships can become toxic also, and so, anyway, I think it's really looking at you know where, how this relationship was established and you know what has has occurred and happened and you know are we able to you know, reestablish consistency and honest, open and honest communication and vulnerability. You know, with each other to make the changes that are both going to work for us moving forward for us moving forward.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 16:45

And I'm going to kind of work up a little backwards, because I know there are so many areas that you see conflict resolution as being important. I mean, we think sometimes in terms of family or direct relationships, but you brought up organizations, you brought up college students and faculty. I hadn't even considered that. So for those listening who might think, okay, well, I don't know if I necessarily can relate to having a family member that is directly impacting me because of their substance use disorder or mental health challenges Conflict comes up in so many environments. What are some, I guess, indications that maybe, maybe, conflict is not something that you've learned how to feel comfortable with or learn how to navigate? And what are some suggestions, practical tips on developing skills and strategies within conflict?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 17:38

Well, I think, for people to learn these skills, because it's all new and a lot of people have a hard time with taking a risk of losing a relationship or losing a job, potentially, um, and worrying about you know what's the outcome, about what this going to be like, and is there going to be a reward? I mean, it's like in business, a risk reward, but there's a risk and a reward in relationships too. Do I want to continue to risk being hurt by this person, even if it's a family member, like? Something that I wanted to say is when it comes to family members, there are family members, you know, and I've heard stories that treat each other terribly and in ways in which they don't deserve to be treated. And you know, like I say to my clients, you know, would you treat your best friend this way, you know? Then why are you allowing someone to treat you this way? And so why would you stay in a relationship? Would you tell your friend to stay in a relationship like this if they were being hurt and harmed and spoken to in this way, and you know pointing out how toxic that is?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 19:04

But I think people understanding you know to get back to your question and you know, answer that they from the inside. They don't always see it themselves. You know, and I believe that's where somebody like me comes in with resolving conflict or coaching, counseling is from the outside, looking in and from my knowledge, background, experience, where they're at and look at, you know, having these aha moments, like you know, tying it back into our earlier conversation, like I did at one time on this cycle of insanity. You know that they're in and that they may not even realize that they're on, because I believe for a lot of people, you know, it just becomes and feels normal and it's easier to, or they think, you know, I thought at one time I understand it's easier to stay in it and just put up with it and deal with it and learn how to cope in it. Then it may be to take a risk to make different decisions around this whole situation or this relationship.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 20:46

Does that make sense to you? Yeah, I mean you bring up risk a lot, because it's true there is a lot of you know you mentioned there's a risk, risk of changing the relationship. There's risk, like you mentioned, with the business. You mentioned that cycle of insanity. What are some signs that you see in your clients or you've experienced in yourself, just to bring some hope to listeners who find themselves okay, I am trapped in this cycle where this person is lashing out, I can't enforce my boundaries, they're hurting me. I'm in this toxic relationship, whether it's business, work, friendships, partners. What are some signs that you've seen, some changes that can instill hope for those when they choose to take that risk and step out of the cycle?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 21:33

Okay, Well, I believe people need to listen to their gut and listen to themselves, their bodies, really, really pay attention to what's going on with themselves. You know, because I don't know about for you, but most people that I talk to and for me I feel it when I have anxiety around a situation or around another person, or I feel confused or I know that someone is not being honest with me and they're being deceptive or not telling the truth. I believe that over time we can look at this and history and see that this isn't the first time that this has happened. And if I'm feeling confused in any relationship, whether it's a personal relationship or a business relationship, or you know with anyone that that is not okay with me, we do not need to be in a relationship where you know we kind of wonder, like God, what's going on. And you know I hear one thing one day and one thing another day, and you know why is this person acting like this, what? And so then that tells me, well, what are they hiding? And so you know then I have to look at myself or ask a client. You know why do I think or why do you think we deserve to be treated that way? And what are you going to do different around that?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 23:38

If you know you're you are asking questions and you're not getting a straight answer or you're being faced with deception or confused, that confusion or someone's not being transparent.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 23:55

And you know, when you're in a business relationship and there's a lot at risk, a lot that you're putting, you know, on the table, and even you know ourselves in a personal relationship, I mean, you know we're putting our emotions into it, which are huge, and we're putting a lot of time and energy into these relationships, all of them. And so you know why don't we want any second of our life that needs to be fulfilling and purposeful and meaningful. Why don't we want to waste our time, you know, with this person or waste our resources and you know, then take the risk of there being potentially a negative outcome that we're hurt by because we were dealing with someone who and I hear this a lot someone who was supposed to love us and care about us, or a friendship that turned into a business relationship, that this friend is not being transparent or honest, and why are we continuing in this sort of relationship?

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 25:17

Yeah, I love that you bring up trusting your gut instincts. I think when you spend so much time whether it's in a codependency type relationship or navigating the craziness and just using your coping skills to to create some kind of structure for yourself, your gut or your intuition can get ignored or even questioned because you start kind of believing. You know it's not a typical, normal, healthy environment. So the kind of healthy response and to listen to your gut instinct can also just be kind of quieted down. So I love that you bring that up to listen to your gut and in order to kind of reclaim your time, your resources, fulfillment in life. I think that's such an important thing to bring up and it takes courage, like you mentioned. It takes courage, but what an amazing reward to be able to have fulfillment and meaning back in your life. I know you're available for coaching. You mentioned coaching and counseling earlier Coaching nationwide and counseling in the state of Texas. How can people connect with you?

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 26:25

Well, my website is fixingthefixcom, and so they can find me on my website, and, of course, I'm on most all of the major social media platforms out there under Fixing the Fix or Heather Rhodes.

Marta Hamilton (TeleWellness Hub) : 26:44

Okay, great, and we'll make sure to include those in the show notes for those listening, to check that out and get in touch. Well, heather, thank you so much for being a part of our wellness journey today.

Heather Rhodes (Fixing the Fix): 26:55

Thank you, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for having me.