Understanding the Root Causes of Autism Meltdowns and How to Respond Effectively | Dr. Jalelah Abdul-Raheem

Autism meltdowns are often misunderstood as behavior problems, when in reality they are neurological responses to overwhelm. In this live session, Dr. Eko is joined by Dr. Jalelah Abdul-Raheem, Certified Nurse Educator and Board-Certified Cognitive Specialist, who also brings lived experience as a parent of a child with autism.

This discussion focuses on understanding the root causes of meltdowns and how to respond with clarity and structure.

In this session, you will learn:

What a meltdown is and how it differs from a tantrum
The underlying neurological and sensory causes
Common triggers across home, school, and community settings
Early warning signs before escalation
Practical strategies to respond during a meltdown
What supports recovery after a meltdown
How to reduce frequency through proactive regulation strategies
Gaps in care and how families can better advocate for support

This is not about managing behavior. It is about understanding the child, supporting regulation, and creating a clear path forward for families navigating autism.

Listen to the full episode on your favorite podcast platform and check out the video version on our YouTube channel!

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Catch us off. I said it. Okay. Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of Brain Power with Dr. Echo. I have an amazing guest, and I know I say that every week, but I mean that. I have an amazing guest with me, Dr. Jalela. And I'm of course gonna let her introduce herself. But thank you so much for coming on the show with me today.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, I'm Dr. Jalila Abdul Rahim. I am a registered nurse. I've been a registered nurse for over 17 years. I'm also a nurse educator. I've been in nursing education for about 15 years and have done 10 in administration. I'm also the founder of J Atifah RN Support Services designed to support parents and families of children managing meltdowns of autistic children and other complex challenges. And that was um sparked from me having a son on the spectrum with other challenges as well. So I just combine my clinical expertise with my nursing education expertise and my personal experience as a mother to wear all of those different hats. So um, yes, um, I'm the author of the unexpected experiences beyond autism book series, which is the foundation of J A Tifa R and Support Services, and um there's um a new things coming that I can share with you toward the end if Dr. Echo's okay with that, but that's a little bit about me.

Meltdown Vs Tantrum Explained

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Wow, okay, I don't even know where to start. A little bit about her, so there's more. Yes, of course, you can share at the end what are the new things coming up. I I I met you. What did I meet you on an autism symposium, right? And then we started talking like we've known each other forever. And I just wanted her to come on here and let's talk about how we can get to the bottom of what causes our children with autism to have meltdowns and how especially what are practical ways we can respond effectively as parents, right? So let's start here. We often hear the words meltdown, and we sometimes talk about tantrums, right? Is there a difference or are they the same thing?

SPEAKER_00 2:48

There is a difference. So a meltdown is typically when the nervous system is just overwhelmed, and typically the child needs some assistance with regulating it back to baseline. So compared to a tantrum, which we typically associate with that taller age, is where they're trying to get either attention or something that they want. And then once they get that, they stop, right? Um, meltdowns don't work in that way. Um, so it's not necessarily something that they're wanting, it's just they're so overwhelmed, they don't know how to regulate, and typically need some assistance with regulating. They just kind of got to the point of uh de-escalation where they need some assistance. Um, and so it depends on the child and where they're at um and what environments they're in and what overwhelmed them, um, you know, compared to when they will actually respond and relax. But yeah, it's very different than a tantrum. A lot of people typically think that that's what it is. Um, but but they're two very different things, yes.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Okay, thank you so much for that description or yeah, differentiation because that's important, right? So that you know, so we don't start to go, we don't start to use words like what's wrong with my child, right? When we understand that it's a nervous system issue, and I'm gonna get there at some point, but isn't it so important for we the parents who are supposed to do the help it if we're if we have to be regulated ourselves, right? Before we can even assist in any way.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

We do have to be, and we do have to know the difference between the two. And even with my clinical background, I had to learn that through personal experience because my son was diagnosed in toddler years, so the his tantrums look very different compared to the meltdowns. Um, and I had a hard time with that. It's like, okay, no, you have to accept no, okay, I'm gonna let you cry it out. However, with the meltdown, crying out wasn't the thing. I had to, you know, put them in a hole, use weighted blankets, things like that to help him calm down versus a tantrum. You know, you want a toy, you know, you throw your tantrum, and then once you realize that doesn't get you your toy, then you go on about the next thing.

Common Meltdown Triggers To Watch

SPEAKER_01 5:08

So gozy on down to where next next. Okay, great. So we've we've talked about the difference between the two. So what have common triggers, right, that parents should be aware of?

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Oh, goodness. Okay, so common triggers. Um, what bit one big common trigger is them being overwhelmed. And I know we use that kind of broadly, but they can be um children can be overwhelmed, especially on the spectrum from large crowds, loud sounds, um, textures. Um, so my son, when he was younger, he had a thing with sticky substances. So if any syrup or jelly or anything like that got on his hands, that overwhelmed him if it didn't, if we didn't get it off quick enough. Um, so uh things like that um can can trigger it. Um, they also have a hard time with transitioning, so moving from one activity to the next because they also often get fixated on certain things. So if you don't know how to properly transition them, then that can be overwhelming because it's a change. So change is really big for them, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:16

Yes, and I always tell every parent I talk to become the detective of your child, right? Because every child is different. So, yes, they are common things, and if you don't hear one of the things that triggers your child, then it's so important that you start to study your kid and see what are the things, and it could be something small, but there's always something, right? And so you're aware of it and you know how to walk around it. So now we know triggers, right? So, how can families best so what do they do? So now as a parent, I know the triggers for my child. So, what's the next best thing that they should do to help prevent or to help prevent the outburst, the meltdown?

SPEAKER_00 7:00

The biggest thing that I tell parents when it comes to the triggers is share them with everyone who deals with your child. I think that's the biggest thing because we can figure those out and manage it in our environments. But typically, if your child is having issues outside of your environment and no one is aware of those triggers, your child may be expecting them to respond how you would, and they don't really know how to do that. So I always give um, whether it's the school or a respite care provider, something like that, I always give them like a one-page sheet, and I go through his triggers and the things that I do um to manage them whenever they see them.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Um, and then go from there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

That's that's key, right? Because it takes, like we commonly say, it takes a village, and you want to inform everybody, including the teachers. Just wherever your child goes, a Sunday school teacher, wherever your child goes, you want to tell them these are the things that affect my child. And if your child has an IEP, those can be written into your child's IEP, right? So that's the the scroll.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Absolutely. And triggers change. So as they get older, as they go through things, my son's going through puberty, triggers change, and sometimes they regress the sum that were there before. So just being mindful and and knowing that triggers may be different in different environments.

Share Triggers With Every Caregiver

SPEAKER_01 8:24

That's that's so important, right? Because we tend to think, oh, it's just the same across across the board. That's an important point. Triggers can be different depending on where the child is, and even sometimes I've seen children have different triggers depending on the season, right? There's different ones in the summer, there's different ones in the winter. It's like so it's back to study your child, be it your child's like know your child inside out as much as possible. So okay, so we've walked through what's we're we're going, it's a it's a progression, right? So we are identified triggers, and now we've told everybody. So what and say the triggers the meltdown still happens, what should parents be prioritizing? What should we be thinking of doing first, second, third, during an S doing a meltdown, or if of the behavior is escalating, what would you tell parents to prioritize?

SPEAKER_00 9:22

The biggest thing that I say prioritize first is safety. So you want to make sure that as they're escalating, or if they are in a meltdown, that they're in a safe environment. Um, and then from there, when you remove them from whatever environment that they were in that possibly could have been overwhelming or overstimulating to them and put them somewhere safely, then you can work on regulating their emotions and what triggered them and things like that. And typically that also helps the parent regulate or whoever is involved in helping them um de-escalate during the meltdown, you know. Um, I've learned that personally, and I've had to walk, you know, some people through that with my son, you know, because trying to de-escalate a meltdown in front of everyone, and that may have been the trigger is not going to necessarily de-escalate it, but then it may also make you frustrated because you're picking up on other people's emotions, other people who may not understand, who may seem feel fearful, you know. So you question if you're keeping your cool or using the tools uh adequately enough, you know, or even sometimes, you know, my son, he's he gets very aggressive. Now he's a little better, but I mean, holes was a thing, you know. So putting a child in a hole to someone who may be unfamiliar looks scary. So if you put them in a safe environment or put them in an environment where it's just maybe one-on-one or as minimal people as possible, and then proceed with things like that to help them calm down. Um, those are the two biggest things I would say. First, safety, get them to a good place, and then work on what they need to regulate in the moment. Typically, you know, with a meltdown, you have to make sure that they're safe and put them in holds and, you know, um heavy blankets, things like that to get them to regulate. And then from there, after they calm down, then you can move to the recovery phase where you talk about the incident and help them debrief and walk through it because during the meltdown, they're not going to process anything that's being said.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Right, right. That's so important. And so for the holds, it's things like weighted blankets, right? That you wrap around them that provide some sort of pressure and helps them.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Yeah, I've used weighted blankets, weighted vests. Um I've also used essential oils. I love essential oils. That's worked really, really good for my son. So um, yeah, yeah, we just kind of waited out, you know, and I try to speak, be as calm, and speak as calm as I can. And I know that's easier said than done, not only for me as a parent, but anybody that's involved when you're dealing with those emotions, you know. Um, so yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Okay, tell me a little bit more about the essential oils. Like you what do you just diffuse it where he's sitting, or how do you use it?

Safety First During Escalation

SPEAKER_00 12:22

I've used a diffuser, I've also um used the dropper. So I used to have a blend with vetevere, vedevere, yin yang, um uh or uh langlang, I think is how you say it. Sorry, Langlang, Vedevere. Yeah, um, with a little bit of lavender, you know, and you have your carrier oil, you know. I like to use coconut oil, and then I put a few drops typically when he was smaller on the bottom of his feet, um, sometimes on his wrist. Um and then I would just tell him, you know, this, you know, help you calm down a little bit. And I would just hold him. And I like to play relaxing music in the background, we still do that, um, just to kind of get the environment where you know it's kind of cool and calm and it's not so much chaos. Um, and then we just kind of wait it out. And then once I feel his body relaxes and he starts to respond to me verbally, that's the thing with my son. When he's in the meltdown, he's not gonna talk. But if he can respond to me and I say, Are we calm? Yes, then I know okay, we're at a good place.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Okay what about the lights? You do anything with lighting?

SPEAKER_00 13:36

Yes, sometimes I cut the lights off. Yes, I've actually done that in clinical practice too, because I work in pediatric mental health. So for some of the the kids that would have a meltdown and get very overwhelmed when we take them to a choir room or their room, I would cut the lights off and just kind of remove them. I still stay with them, kind of talk them through it, but just to decrease that stimuli, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Yeah, yes, that definitely helps because the bright lights like tell their brain, keep going. We're trying to de-escalate. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. That's that's really helpful. Um, so you talked about recovery and what that looks like for your son. What are some other strategies for recovery that you would highlight to parents?

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Um, the biggest thing is making sure that you communicate with them through the best means for them. Because I know for my son, he's verbal now, he has not always been, but I know um some kids on the spectrum are non-verbal. So that communication can look different, whether it's journaling or using a pad to kind of communicate their emotions and explore it, you know, and then that's a good time to talk about okay, what actually caused it, you know. Um, we talk about those, you know, ABCs. So what's the antecedent, what happened before, what that behavior looked like, um, what was the consequence or what happened after it, you know. Um, so we we talk through those things. The older my son has gotten, the more I include him in on some of the consequences and how we should handle things and what would best serve him to prevent him to get to that point. Um, when when they're younger, it takes a little bit more exploration for that. Um, I did a lot of play when he was younger because you know, sometimes they can't have those conversations about, you know, you can't expect a four or five-year-old to really have that conversation with you. So um I will go into his little play space and we would just kind of act it out with toys or do some art or paint or color, you know, just so I can allow him the opportunity to express itself so I can figure out how to help him.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

I like that playing and coloring, but again, that that means that you, the parent, needs to be in the place where you can paint and color. Talking to yourself, what are strategies you have for parents? I know you deal you, of course, to take care of the child, you have to take care of the parent. I've spoken that. So, um, what strategies you have for parents themselves to regulate themselves while this is going on? I can be very difficult, but it's doable.

Calming Tools Oils Music Lighting

SPEAKER_00 16:21

So, what what what experience the biggest thing that I tell parents is just have some patience and some grace with yourself, you know, because you're gonna have moments where you know you may react in a way that you not you you don't necessarily want to or wish to, um, you know, because as a parent, you know, you that's you live with that 24-7, you know. Um, and I think um that's the thing for me that blending my personal experience with my professional, um, that I feel like is really a strength because I can put myself in their shoes. You know, when it when it's late at night, you know, my son has asthma, and maybe I've been trying to get his asthma under control with breathing treatments, and then all of a sudden now we're dealing with the meltdown and I haven't slept. So, how do I handle that? Knowing I have to get up and work for work in the morning and have all these other tasks without being so frustrated or making it seem like, you know, he's an inconvenience, you know what I mean? Because kids pick up on that. Um, so um, the biggest thing I tell, you know, parents is to make sure you have some patience and some grace with yourself. Um get a support system, you know. Um, mine is still very small and it looks very different. Um, I did not always have support. I sometimes still struggle with it because sometimes the people that we feel like are close to us do not understand our children. So they're not as supportive as what they try to be, you know. Um, you know, and then just taking those moments to decompress yourself before you actually decompress with your child. So before I go through walking through my son's feelings and things like that, I make sure that I do um some things for myself, whether that's exercise or take a bath or read or whatever the case may be. So that's what I encourage parents to do is just to take that time for themselves before they have that conversation so that they're in the space, you know. Um, because there may be things in the conversation or things that you find when you in that recovery phase that are surprising to you. So you want to make sure you have space for that too. I like also therapy. Therapy is another big one that I always highlight. Make sure if you were able that you were able to be in therapy and you understand where some of your reactions come from. Um, I was I had a hard time for a little bit attaching my son's outcomes to mine. So when he had a meltdown, it was me thinking subconsciously, maybe what am I missing or not doing as a parent, when really that didn't have anything to do with me. So therapy, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

So I highly approve your message. Everybody needs therapists, and the therapists need therapies too. So our blind spots are so like you said, subconsciously, you're thinking this, and it has nothing to do with that, right? And our children pick up as our sponges, they will pick up on all the things you're putting out without even knowing you're putting them out. So it's so important as parents that you fill your cup, you get yourself in a good space, you take care of yourself so that you can take care of this precious human human that has been placed in your care. So important. Thank you for sharing that. So I know that you um you have your organization, right? So, what have you seen in terms of gaps in systems, right? Like healthcare systems or just the way we approach things in the schools, where are the gaps with how we deal with our children's meltdowns? And what can we do as parents to improve or to stand in that gap?

Recovery Debrief And Parent Regulation

SPEAKER_00 20:11

I think for a provider standpoint, like if we're talking about um healthcare providers, sometimes it's just them not having the time to really understand that live experience of the parent. So the parent feels either rushed or unheard. So I work with a lot of parents with coming up with systems of how to communicate um the big important pieces that providers would be more receptive to. Um, and then when it comes to um working with therapists, whether it's ABA or just the individual therapists, things like that, just making sure that the parent is able to communicate what all parties is doing. You know, sometimes because those systems do not necessarily speak to each other. So that that's a little bit of a disconnect. So I work with the with the parents and navigating all that to make sure that everyone's on the same page and has the same information. The other big thing, uh, of course, is schools. Schools is always the big thing, and uh, it does not necessarily matter the state is what I'm finding. Um, so you know, in schools, um, some of them are great and they're doing the best they can, but you know, with the lack of staffing and sometimes them not being trained adequately enough, that's a barrier. Um, also, when a child has these big emotions, some of the most patient people will get worn out. And when those people get worn out, um, and then they look to the parent and that raises that anxiety. So then the parent kind of feels like they're at a loss. And so does the child. Um, because typically, you know, when they have big emotions with those meltdowns, you have to one-on-one them. That's hard to do when, you know, it's two, two, even two teachers, you know, with 20 students, you know. Um, so um, and then just keeping them all on that same page and making sure that, you know, things are written appropriately in those IEPs and those 504s, and and how to make sure that the team stays accountable and and knows how to execute those things.

SPEAKER_01 22:25

Yes. And that means the parents also need to know what's in the IEPs and understand. And if you if you feel uncomfortable handling that, seeking out advocates. And so that's that's part of the the that's one of the things we do at Globe Pediatrics is working with parents after diagnosis because they're often so overwhelmed and don't know what direction to go. And it's what are the pieces we can put in place so you have a roadmap so you don't feel overwhelmed, so your child gets the support they need, and you can help support your child. So very important. So thank you for highlighting that.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

So to the people who have waited till the end, we've heard the amazing Dr. Jalila tell you all the things and break it down so eloquently. So where can people who are who need your services where can they find you?

SPEAKER_00 23:20

And they can find me. You can find me on my website at um jaytifa rn support services.com. I know that's long. Um if you don't want to, yeah, if you don't want to type all of that in, um jaytifa rn support services. You can find us also on Facebook and LinkedIn. Um, you can find me on TikTok under Dr. Jalela Abdulrahim and then on Instagram under Jalela Abdulraheen. So multiple places. Facebook and LinkedIn are are typically the biggest spots in the website.

School Gaps Resources And Closing

SPEAKER_01 23:59

Okay, wonderful. So parents listening, if your child has lots of meltdowns and you want to learn how to appropriately handle and respond effectively, seek out Dr. uh Jalila's services. And for those listening, if your child needs an evaluation and you've been on a wait list for longer than two weeks, reach out to globediatrics. We can serve you. If your child needs support services after you have been diagnosed anywhere in the country and you have no idea where to go next, reach out to global pediatrics. If you're if you're if you if you know that you need your child has concerns with focus, with GI issues like constipation or loose tools when they shouldn't be having that, they don't sleep well, they their behavior is off, you're just concerned and you want um holistic care, reach out to go pediatrics because that's why we have created just wraparound care from evaluations to treatment for our children and our families who have children with autism and AHD. So I'll give you. Amen. Okay, on that note, it was so great. I hope all of you got something out of this. Please share this, please subscribe to our YouTube channel and share this with as many people as you know. Need to hear this because we have millions of families who are facing this, and they need to hear that there is hope, and it's the diagnosis is not the end of the world. There is hope. Your child's behaviors, your child's sleep, and all of that can improve. And so, reach out, we're here to be of support, walk alongside you this journey. So, we'll see you next time on the show. Take care.