Episode 18 - Putting Yourself First: The Ultimate Act of Self-Love

Get ready to flip the script on selfishness, YASKers! In this eye-opening episode, Arturo and Anthony dive deep into the transformative power of putting yourself first. From battling people-pleasing tendencies to setting boundaries with loved ones, we're serving up some real talk on why self-care isn't just a buzzword—it's essential for your well-being.

Discover how to:

• Differentiate between self-care and selfishness
• Set healthy boundaries without the guilt
• Break free from people-pleasing patterns
• Align your schedule with your true values
• Practice self-compassion and challenge negative self-talk

Whether you're struggling with codependent relationships or just need a reminder to prioritize yourself, this episode is your wake-up call to live authentically and unapologetically. Remember, buttercups: you can't pour from an empty cup! It's time to YASK yourself: Are you ready to make yourself a priority? Let's wake up together and create the life we truly desire!

Tune in to "YASKing with Anthony and Arturo" on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Don't forget to subscribe and follow Anthony on TikTok at @coachcatalino and Arturo on IG at @arturodiaz and TikTok @arturodiaznyc

Transcript

YASKing with Anthony and Arturo: Episode 18 - Putting Yourself First: The Ultimate Act of Self-Love

SPEAKERS

Arturo Diaz, Anthony Catalino

Arturo Diaz  00:20

Welcome to YASKING Anthony and Arturo. I'm Arturo Diaz. 

Anthony Catalino  00:26

I'm Anthony Catalino, and man, oh man. It's a good day to be here. 

Arturo Diaz  00:30

It's a great day to be here. Today, we're diving into this simple but powerful concept of putting yourself first in a world that often tells us to prioritize everything and everyone else. We're flipping this script, we'll explore why self care isn't selfish, how to set boundaries without guilt, and why your worth isn't tied to your productivity, whether you're running high or facing challenges. This episode is your wake of call to live authentically and apologetically. So buckle up buttercup. It's time to get real, get inspired and start asking the big question, are you ready to prioritize you?

01:05

I don't think that'll ever get old: buckle up buttercup!

Arturo Diaz  01:13

Buckle up, buttercup!  And the first thing I want you to discuss with this is like the idea that putting yourself first is somehow selfish, because I think that's been my instinct for a lot, a lot of the time, because there's, there is a world of difference between self care and selfishness. I think people feel guilty for prioritizing themselves. I was raised to be a people pleaser. So the times where I've had to put myself first, when other people have needed me or have been very good about saying this is what I need, I almost feel uncomfortable saying like I am actually not able to be there for you right now.

Anthony Catalino  01:50

 Yeah, because you've been so conditioned to believe... the conditioning has been so power-, has been making you feel so powerless that you wait, am I? Maybe I'm getting this backwards. But you you, you mentioned where you feel powerless. You feel like you can't be there for someone else.

Arturo Diaz  02:10

Well, powerless that I can't say I can't be you, there for you. I think that, look, the issue with self care and self selfishness is a lot of times, if you're a parent, especially, or if you're a partner or like a best friend, people will need you and we are a community is a beautiful thing. Love is a beautiful thing, but you really need to make sure that you can help yourself first. If you are in a good state, we're not unlimited in our resources, our energy. So I think for me, this, this, this topic, is really resonant, because I will often deplete myself helping other people and not making sure that I'm actually taking care of myself. I put myself at the bottom of the list of people I need to take care of. 

Anthony Catalino  02:52

I feel like this is more than just a common thing in our community, but at the world at large. For whatever reason, I think so many of us have been taught to put other people first and then, like Art says, It depletes the energy that we should be saving or we should be planning for ourself. A lot of times, people feel like they don't have the time. But have you actually designated some time towards loving yourself, spending time with yourself, writing, journal writing, meditation, getting outside, and yet, we're putting oxygen on other people first, because that's how we've been guided, led to believe. And yeah, our supplies for ourselves run dry and then we get sick because we're not focusing on the number one support person in our lives.

Arturo Diaz  03:36

Yeah, it's really it's on us to put healthy boundaries with the people and the structures in our life, which means setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, work and social situations, and communicating those boundaries effectively. And for me, the biggest challenge dealing with pushback when you enforce those boundaries, because I have a lot of great friends who are really adept and making me feel a little guilty that I'm taking space now I have less of those friends in my life because my mom and dad were like that growing up, and maybe I mimic that. I thought that was normal, and at one point in my adulthood, I started to realize how annoying it was my heart could be, potentially annoying how triggering it could be where my mom could not see that the last week, or, yeah, in the last week, my mom called me and she was all stressed out about something. And the way that my family operated is that one of us would used to get you would be stressed, and we would get other people triggered. And all we always, like, clutch our pearls together, be like, Oh my gosh. And so she called me that in her state, and I was like, oh, oh. And so I could see what she wanted. I was like, You know what? I can't join you. Could see you are in a bad space that I'm here for you as like your son, I can't join you on the tossing of the ship today. I have other stuff going on in my life that I need to figure out. Let me know if you need anything else. I'm not gonna able to stay on the phone and like hem and haw about how awful this is, this is. And so I've seen, I've learned the ways I can hold boundaries with them, and it's in a respectful way, without myself depleting the rest of my bandwidth, most of my energy, than the other stuff that I have going on in my life, 

Anthony Catalino  05:22

Yeah and isn't our first inclination or reaction to, almost, like, feel the pressure or the pain from that person we're trying to help? In this case, it's, you know, your mom's reaching out to you, and all we must do instead is thank her for thinking of you.

Arturo Diaz  05:35

Thank you. And then also, if she does push back which you did a little bit deal with that in a way that's kind and that's especially tricking relationships like this that are codependent, right? When you have a codependent relationship, there's like an implicit agreement that we all are going to jump on the ship and panic together, because that's been like the dance that's united us. That's been like the trauma bond, and when somebody starts to walk away, everyone's like, What do you mean? This is the agreement we have, and that can be a little uncomfortable for the person walking away, but you know better, your spirit is saying, let's be on dry land for a bit. 

Anthony Catalino  06:13

Mind you, it's not an unhealthy thing. It's actually a very healthy thing to give yourself that space and that time and put up those boundaries. It feels like you're doing something wrong. But that goes back to the people pleasing. Let's unpack why we people please. To begin with, so many people have that, what we call a saboteur, sabotaging your joy, because you find it necessary to people please. And would you say maybe Art, like a lot of times, when we don't get the the attention or the loving attention that we think we deserve as a child, then we must find other ways to get people's attention.

Arturo Diaz  06:46

What people pleasing has its roots as a child in an environment where things were unsafe and you had the role of being a caretaker, and you became you started to associate your value with your ability to take care of other people, with your ability to get approval from other people, it can be all sorts of like those kind of dynamics create people pleasing habits as you get older. The way it played out for me is that because my parents were so messy for their own, they had their stuff that they were dealing with, I learned that my teachers, their validation was something that I could use to propel me forward. So I developed people pleasing habits of my teachers at the same time, I was taking a parental role in some ways my parents today, as an adult, I have this people pleasing dynamic with in certain parts of my life, and I'm conscious of it, and I've learned strategies to say no without guilt, realizing that my self esteem is not dependent on someone else approving of me or me taking care of them. It's required to be me to be mindful of people who seek out people please there are people like maybe like me pleasers, because also people out there seek out people pleasers because they like to be taken care of. 

Anthony Catalino  08:03

But what if you, as the Creator of life, actually attracted that person to come in your life? Because deep down inside, it's

Arturo Diaz  08:09

It's both sides, but it's both sides. And then I'll tell to somebody who's been a people pleaser, you get resentful of those people. Because especially when you start to hold boundaries, those people get very resentful. You'll go, Wait a second, I told you, this is the agreement we had. How dare you change the script? But the other side of that is, if you don't honor your boundaries, you start to resent yourself for not using your voice and standing up for yourself.

Anthony Catalino  08:30

I love that phrase you just used, flip the script or change the script. How many of you that are listening? How many of you actually realize you can change any script of your life, like you can't take the gay away, but you can learn to appreciate the human that you are, just as you are. So in once you begin to appreciate and like that person, then there's no reason to need to change that, to change who you are. But you can literally change this, flip the script, a lot of this, therapists, or when I work with coaching, we talk about reframing things so they give you a better effect, but we can literally change the script any single day, any single moment of any day on what we wish to experience more of or overcome. It's through these changing of the scripts and writing it out that we can see what we're experiencing from a different, different view. Art and I have shared a space for a few years now where we write down almost every day, and we've taken a break for a while now. When we write down what we're experiencing, what we're feeling on the inside, and I don't know about you Art, but I feel like that's been massive in my transformation as a human being. 

Arturo Diaz  09:35

Yeah, it demystifies what you're feeling. It creates platform for you to get it out into the universe. The thing that I've come to realize being in conversation with myself is a very helpful thing. And I know that people often think that if you talk to yourself, you're crazy, but you are more than your mind, your spirit, your mind is a tool. You can be in conversation with yourself and be thankful that you always have someone on your side. You have you who can literally dedicate 24/7, to making life better for you. And how many of us actually make time to talk to ourselves, to say, hey, what do we want? How do we feel? How can we treat ourselves well? Today at work, I do it. I put on music and dance with myself. Sometimes my apartment that lifts me up. But also, there are times where I feel dark and moody, and I feel that too.

Anthony Catalino  10:25

 I wonder how many people actually realize that they can choose themselves or like put themselves first. Because so many of us have been led to believe that you're supposed to help other people first and but it's but if you really think about it, most people, I know that put so many people first, including my mom. She depletes her own energy. She's exhausted. She spends more time worrying about her children than actually devoting time to herself. Love her to pieces. She's been one of the biggest teachers, best teachers I've ever had, and it wasn't in traditional teachings, but one of my favorite quotes is by Della Hicks-Wilson and she says, tend to that relationship that you have with yourself first, last, and always. And for any of you that have been on an airplane, and they say when they know if the air pressure might drop, you need to put that oxygen mask on yourself first before you help other people, because you might just die in the process, that's a very valid example of the necessity that you should put yourself first. Now, what does that look like? You mentioned earlier art, putting yourself first. We talked about journaling. We talked about setting boundaries, something else our listeners can do to participate in or suggest that would be putting themselves first? 

Arturo Diaz  11:34

Time management, for self priority, carving out me time in your busy schedule, identifying and eliminating time wasters, because there are things that you might be doing that are habitual, that you think are actually edifying for you, right? Like I do mindless video game sometimes, and I have to watch that because I don't come out of feeling great. You can do it like for 10 minutes, here and there, but the way that you feel after reading, after meditating, after going for a walk, your body will tell you, this feels incredible. This is great. Like, what am I? What we were doing, staring at our phone for ? Aligning your schedule with personal values and goals. Making sure what you do in any given month, a day are things that, like, call to you. You don't have to live a life in the gray with life in Technicolor and color. Like do things that excite you. Time management for self priority can literally be filling your calendar with stuff that excites you. Yes, you have to do the work. There are administrative things in life to take care of, but there's enough time in your life, in your day, for you to do stuff that excites you, that replenishes you. 

Anthony Catalino  12:48

That leads you more into love than fear. We'll talk about that a lot in these podcasts, because if you're fearful in life,  you've moved you step aside from love, because they're opposites, and most people are living in fear. And remember, we're in those cages with the door wide open. The door is wide open for all of you to step into your life for whatever it is, like, like Art said, do more things that you love, that bring you joy, that's choosing yourself, 

Arturo Diaz  13:14

Yeah, also choosing yourself. And like, investing in your education, your skills, experience, making sure that your budgeting for self care. I'm unemployed. I have tons of miles, and I might go to Spain the next couple weeks, because I could do it for like, 50 bucks. 

Anthony Catalino  13:28

Wow. 

Arturo Diaz  13:29

Go to find some inspiration, especially these days, because I'm in conversation with myself and the universe. Like, show me the way I'm seeing what the universe has sent me in my way. Just show me where to go next. 

Anthony Catalino  13:41

I love that. Show me the way it's like surrendering to life unfold as it will, because we only have so much control over how it's going to unfold, and it most likely will look a hell of a lot different than we expected it to. 

Arturo Diaz  13:53

Living abundantly is having confidence of the universe is going to bring you what's best for you. I've made clear what I want, but the universe might know better, and I have confidence that it would either for me that, but I've asked for or better, but I have to wait on the divine timing of what's right, 

Anthony Catalino  14:12

And not so much wait, because we don't want to wait for our life to change. There really is something to say about all that exists is now, and so what can we do now in this moment, to give ourselves that space, to breathe better, to feel more freedom, to dance like nobody's watching. I think a lot of times people wait for things to happen. And I don't think that's what you meant, Art. 

Arturo Diaz  14:33

You actually reminded me of something that I wrote down from a meditation that I did yesterday, and it's this, accept the what is right now, even if it is not where you want to be. That which we accept has the power to change. That which we resist will persist. That is a universal law of acceptance. So say to yourself, I accept my life exactly as it is right now, and I invite in all that I wish for. 

Anthony Catalino  15:06

It is pretty hard, though. It's pretty difficult accepting because some people's lives right now are maybe feel like they're falling apart. What is that they were like actually coming together? 

Arturo Diaz  15:14

Things Fall Apart. It's a great, very famous novel about Africa, but things do fall apart. That's the state of the state of change. Nothing is forever. So even if you will have the perfect life right now, guess what, sir, that's going to end. Everything ends, everything changes, everything sheds. So nothing is permanent, which also going back to self care, being a steward of your body and developing sustainable fitness routines, being mindful of your nutrition and the sustenance you put in yourself, and the importance of rest and sleep, those are very important self care practices, because you have to be kind of your body. Your body is a living, literally, a living, organic, ever changing vehicle for your soul, so give it the building blocks it needs to thrive.  Oof, that is so important, practicing self compassion and forgiveness and challenging all that negative self talk is so important, but it's so hard to do because we are own worst critics. But if you can overcome that, that is such a huge transformation you can make for yourself, 

Anthony Catalino  16:01

I just had like thoughts, like thoughts of, like, when we were younger and used to hang out and, like, the fear of, like, missing a party, or missing going out, and when it was just another night, hanging out with other people, you know, under the stars, listening to some music. It was what it was. I don't do a lot of those things anymore, and I don't feel like I'm missing out, and maybe it's because I got it out of my system, or maybe I just don't need to adhere to things like that as much anymore. I still have dance parties, I still meet up with, you know, people that I'm connected to, and I get that fulfillment, but I also get an incredible amount of fulfillment from spending time in silence, getting out in nature, being gentle on myself, when I break a goal, or I put on a few pounds like I am, like I've currently done, accepting myself as is. And it's amazing how the more we can do that, just the way you are, that is the the next step in transforming who you who you thought you were, and who you're about to become  Tend to the relationship that you have with yourself, first, last and always. Literally, I love this topic. I've been a huge, huge proponent for this. This, this new thought. Evidently, it's a new thought. It's not an old thought. It's not what we've been taught. But the more I put myself first, my life has dramatically, drastically. Rather, it was through some drama, but yes, drastically changed. 

Arturo Diaz  17:52

It's big for me too. I mean, it was a big deal for me because of the dynamic I had as a kid, where we it was so codependent. The relationship I had my parents was so wildly codependent that it was difficult for me to make this space. And that's why it's a simple thing to be able to say, I'm not going to join you, mom. But it took decades for me to get there and the first couple times I would do it, my mom would be like, what now she would like, react hysterically because I was breaking the covenant of how we experienced, how we experienced affection of each other. As crazy as that sounds, that codependent relationship was the way we expressed how we cared for one another. So the way, the fact that I walked away from that, what felt like a violation to that, 

Anthony Catalino  18:39

But when it comes down to it. It was really for you. I mean, as generous as we are as human beings, I would love it to have changed your mother, woken her up a little bit, and might have, but ultimately, you come first. 

Arturo Diaz  18:51

Yeah, I will say to this too. I'm like when I go even now in a subway, we talked about this recently, when people want to try to pick a fight with you, I see it as a act of self care that I don't get triggered, even if someone comes at me, like very aggressively. Why am I gonna get on the Get on the train of unchecked emotion? So call me a slur if you want sure that's your thing. I am not joining you. My hospital's full. I have other stuff going on. 

Anthony Catalino  19:21

But remember, in that choice, you have them. You have the ability, or you have the opportunity to believe it or not. It's funny how words can take us down, or the more that we've invested in ourselves, they don't have that dominion or that power over us. You decide what's more important, your peace or your lack of it? Putting yourself first! I had a, I had a TikTok in my when I first started TikTok, that one that went kind of viral, and it was just me simply saying that you come first. All the filthy minds on TikTok. That thought I was saying c u m, as opposed to c o m, e, but really it was just encouraging people to put themselves first. Anyhow, I love this topic. I'm so grateful we spoke on it. We've given you a lot of insight, of things that we have personally experienced ourselves, personal stories, personal things that we involve in our days, that have really increased the quality of our lives. But ultimately, wherever you are in your life, that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Please, trust that. Can you give yourself the space to accept that, to accept who you are, just as you are, even if there's pieces of you that you don't like, because the more you can appreciate those things, you actually realize your own value. And it's kind of like real estate, the more something goes up in value. It appreciates. So if we appreciate ourselves, that value that we've already we've always been of massive value, we just begin to witness it, realize it, embrace it, feel it. And that's beautiful.

Arturo Diaz  20:54

 Yeah, so beautiful. Thank you, Anthony, for incredible conversation. Until Next time, 

Anthony Catalino  21:00

Until next time, YASKING!