From Numb to New: How Allie Loiselle Repurposed the Pain of Weariness

How do you keep going when grief feels unbearable?

In this powerful episode of The Higher Pursuit Podcast, Allie Loiselle shares her deeply personal journey through the loss of her mother to suicide—a tragedy that left her in a season of emotional and spiritual weariness.

Allie opens up about the shock, the "what-ifs," and the heavy weight of regret. But she also reveals how, through faith, community, and a renewed sense of purpose, she found healing and joy again. If you've ever faced overwhelming sorrow or struggled to move forward, this conversation will remind you that hope is never out of reach.

🔹 How do you process loss when you feel numb?
 🔹 What role does faith play in repurposing pain?
 🔹 How can you find joy again after deep grief?

You don’t have to carry your pain alone. Tune in now and let Allie’s story bring you encouragement and renewed strength.

After You Listen:
 1️⃣ Share this episode with someone who might need a reminder that healing is possible.
2️⃣ Dive deeper into finding purpose in your own pain—get your copy of Repurpose Your Pain here: https://bit.ly/repurposeyourpainbookpurchase

Key Takeaways from This Episode

• Grief isn’t just sadness—it’s a whirlwind. It can leave you feeling shocked, confused, regretful, exhausted, or even completely numb. And that’s okay.
• You don’t have to carry your pain alone. Staying rooted in God and leaning on a supportive community can be the difference between staying stuck and stepping toward healing.
• Pain has purpose—but you have to be willing to seek it. Repurposing your pain means shifting your focus to what truly matters, deepening your relationship with God, and slowly rediscovering joy and laughter.
• Your story has power. When you open up about your struggles, you create space for healing—not just for yourself, but for others walking a similar road. Connection brings comfort, and you never know who needs to hear that they’re not alone.

Which takeaway resonates with you the most? Drop a comment or share this episode with someone who needs encouragement today.  

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

05:07 The Tragic Loss

07:57 Initial Reactions and Emotions

11:02 Dealing with Regret and What-Ifs

13:50 Navigating Weariness and Numbness

15:48 Repurposing the Pain

22:04 Finding Healing and Joy

24:14 Encouragement for Others

26:05 Invitation to Live Q&A

27:02 Closing Remarks

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Background
• 5:07 The Tragic Loss
• 7:57 Initial Reactions and Emotions
• 11:02 Dealing with Regret and What-Ifs
• 13:50 Navigating Weariness and Numbness
• 15:48 Repurposing the Pain
• 22:04 Finding Healing and Joy
• 24:14 Encouragement for Others
• 27:02 Closing Remarks

Transcript

Allison (01:24.738)

Yeah, you did.

Allison (01:52.858)

One of my favorites would probably be, there's one out there that says that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, and that is something that I use regularly as a reminder to myself when I'm feeling intimidated by someone or like I'm less than someone.

Allison (02:23.15)

I'd probably do it a darker color, because I tend to go for black or gray, so I'd probably do it like a black, but give it a nice bright color on it, like a bright pink or a yellow or something so it pops. Yeah.

Allison (02:43.161)

Okay.

Cecily (03:00.633)

Hey everybody, thank you for joining the Hire Pursuit podcast. We are so glad that you're here. If you're looking for content that will encourage you, build you up in your pursuit of Jesus, and sometimes challenge you, then you have tuned into the right podcast. In case you're new here, the series that we're in right now is called Repurposing Our Pain. And today I'm joined by a wonderful guest, Ali Loisel.

Allison (03:01.282)

So my story is that back in August of 2022, my family went through something very tragic. We lost my mom to suicide, unfortunately. It was sudden, nobody expected it, and it was the most difficult time of my life still till today.

Cecily (03:28.033)

Allie and I were introduced by a mutual friend, Steven, who read my book, Repurpose Your Pain, and knew that Allie's story would be a great addition to this podcast and a blessing to a lot of you. So before Allie shares her story, I'll just share a little bit about her. So Allie's from upstate New York near the capital district, and she works for a pharmaceutical company, but she's a single mom. So for you single moms out there, you know what she is dealing with.

Allison (03:29.886)

It was just such a place of like, just such like sadness and sorrow, but also like just confusion of someone, you know, being taken too early, you know, the questions of why, you know, and just laying there and yelling, you know, it's not fair. And it was just such a tough time for me. And, um, I think the good part that came out of it is that it did help me realize how much.

Cecily (03:57.921)

She's juggling all the things. She's the mom, she's the dad, she's the carpooler, she's the taxi, she's the disciplinarian, she's the breadwinner, she is the rent payer, the house cleaner, the nanny, all the things. She's the nurse in the middle of the night. And she is the proud and busy mother of two daughters, Maggie, who's eight, and Vivienne, who is six. Did I get their names and ages right?

Allison (03:58.898)

I need God and how much I need Jesus and to cling to them and that in those moments when you're so far down like that, the only thing that's going to help you is clinging to them. And just learning that helped me grow relationships with my other family, my sister and my dads. We grew so much closer through it because we really bonded then that, you know, hey, time is very precious.

Cecily (04:24.793)

Awesome, awesome. Well, Allie, I just wanna thank you so much for taking this time to join me on the podcast because I know, like we were just talking about, I know your story is gonna bless so many people. But before we get into your story, I have a little icebreaker question for you. If you were designing a t-shirt, what would the quote be that you would put on that t-shirt? What would it say?

Allison (04:26.058)

We want to hold on to each other, you know, and value it while we're here.

Cecily (05:07.353)

That's awesome. That is so, so great. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I would wear that t-shirt. I would totally wear it. So let's see, what color would that t-shirt be? I'll have to see if I have that color already.

Allison (05:23.822)

I believe that my first emotions were basically, obviously shock. I was actually sitting in the parking lot with my kids about to go in and get their hair cut before school started. And my dad called me and was just kind of like, you need to get to your mom's house. Your mom's dead, you know, and I just lost it. Like I remember I just sat there and I just screamed no.

Cecily (05:27.554)

Yeah.

Cecily (05:33.149)

I would totally. That's awesome. I would wear that. I don't have anything black with bright yellow or bright pink, so I would wear that. Maybe we'll make it. All right, so Ali, I want you to share your story. Why Stephen thought that your story would benefit my listeners. And then I'm going to, I'll interject from time to time some things that come to my mind, but I just really wanna hear from you right now. So, what's your story girl?

Allison (05:50.598)

over and over again and like my kids were hugging me and that you know like they knew something was up. It was it was just heartbreaking and like I didn't want to believe it.

Allison (06:13.646)

Unfortunately, that's one of the things I think I kind of hate most about it is that it is something that could have been that can be predicted because she was someone that she didn't care enough to take care of herself. She stayed on the same medicine for years that were doing nothing and she always was someone that would kind of like threaten it or do stuff that was kind of like careless. Like I remember as a kid there was a time where she drank to the point where she was like passed out in the snowbank and my uncle would came over from next door and found her.

There were signs and she was always kind of that way and struggled and was like one of the people, the typical type where like she was the biggest sweetheart, had the biggest heart and people walked on her and took advantage of that. So it was rough.

Cecily (06:48.827)

Yeah.

Cecily (07:09.23)

Yeah.

Allison (07:21.922)

Right.

Cecily (07:29.233)

Absolutely. Oh my gosh. So walk me through a little bit about, not to go into too many details, but I know a lot of people have experienced people's sudden death, whether it is through suicide or a sudden illness. I know when COVID was really rampant in the beginning, a lot of people were losing their loved ones very suddenly, very unexpected. Nobody was.

Allison (07:37.542)

Um, yeah, definitely. I had like dreams where she would be there and it felt so real, like we were younger and we were like shopping in the mall together or something like that. And yeah, I wanted to go back so badly. And then not only that, but then those moments of like, what I could have done to stop it, you know, like if I was there in that moment, if I had gone over that night, like I was supposed to, you know, like stuff like that. So

Cecily (07:57.977)

prepared for that and that was only four years ago. And it wasn't like it was 40 years ago. So this is still really, really fresh pain for a lot of people. What was your initial reaction? Like walk us through your emotions when everything, when you first found out what happened with your mom.

Allison (08:49.271)

Mm-hmm.

Cecily (09:00.241)

Did you have any inkling that would have led you to think that this could possibly even happen, or was this literally so far out of the realm of reason?

Allison (09:14.058)

I feel like once I got past the initial period of just, you know, asking, you know, why and being sad and upset, I think it got weird kind of for a bit because my sister and I both talked about it and we both kind of got to a period where we just went almost numb and couldn't cry and couldn't feel anything. And I don't know if it was just our bodies being, you know, exhausted from already sharing so much emotion.

But, yeah, we just kind of went numb, but then slowly over time, I don't know how, but things started to get to the point where it was like, okay, so it is all right to laugh again. It is all right to enjoy life, even though you're still missing her. To...

Cecily (09:57.617)

So when you were dealing with your loss, were you also, I know in my life there have been some things that have happened and after it happens, I've had almost like PTSD moments where I will wake up in the middle of the night and be like, oh my gosh, I wanna go back in time. Like if I could just dial the clock back.

Allison (10:06.498)

finally be okay with that. It's hard sometimes still, because you don't want to. You feel bad for enjoying things, like how dare you enjoy things when she's not here. But, I know she doesn't want us to live that way.

Cecily (10:20.589)

by one day or one week, like, I just want to, I just need to go back and then the realization like, I can't, I can't undo this. Like, this is my life. This is reality right now. This nightmare is really happening. Did you experience any of that?

Cecily (11:02.381)

that so many people experience that, Ali. It's just such a demonic tactic that somehow we could have stopped a tragedy from happening. And it's actually interesting because that sort of ties into a little bit of regret. When I write about regret in my book, I say regret is like this fantasy of what...

Reality would have been like if we had made a different decision and we just don't even know that actually would have Been the thing but in our mind we imagine that it could have been and that's just a torment When you're already dealing with the grief and the loss to have those emotions just pushing your head underwater When you're already drowning under the grief of not having your mom and having to lose her like that. So suddenly

So I mean, I'm sure that loss just left you confused. Did you ever experience, like where did your emotions, obviously everything's really raw in the very beginning. So over time, what happened to your emotions over time?

Cecily (12:32.305)

Cool.

Cecily (13:00.789)

Yeah.

Cecily (13:16.453)

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So for the listeners, I just want to point something out that what we are specifically talking about today is repurposing our weariness. And in grief, there's so many things at play. There's the death of dreams, because the dream is that we will have the prescribed amount of time with a person.

Allison (13:45.994)

For me, I believe that it started, fortunately, in the very beginning stages of grief because I was part of a strong church family that helped a whole lot. No matter how much I wanted to fight and not see anyone, I forced myself, even though my mom had just died, we had just found out she died on Friday, I forced myself on Sunday to go to church.

Cecily (13:50.253)

Like Allie said in the beginning, her mom died too young. She was taken too soon. So you have the death of dreams. Then you have regret. Could I have done something differently? Or I wish I knew that this was going to happen. I would have spent more time. I would have loved more, prayed more, forgiven faster, made more time. All those things that regret just imagines that we could have done if we had a crystal ball. And then there's

Allison (14:14.546)

As much as I didn't want to do it, I was so glad that I did because I had those people to be there to remind me of their love and God's blessings and that and just hug and love on us and be there and they set up like a food train to send food to our house and everything and that. So just to have that was great and to show me kind of right from the beginning that, hey, like you still need God, don't use this as an excuse, you know, to run from him. And

Cecily (14:18.793)

the confusion and then possibly bitterness, bitterness at God or maybe bitterness at the person who died oddly for leaving us. There's all these things and all of those emotions culminate together and pile on top of each other and they drag out and they cause a weariness in grief. And Ali just described what happens at the peak of weariness.

Allison (14:43.046)

So that's kind of how I was made aware that I needed to stay planted and I needed to dig deeper into my relationship with him. So from there I kind of just started doing more Bible app plans on my app. So I would do the app and I would also, though, go through and read the Bible. I made it a plan like over Christmas break and that, you know, to read every chapter of Luke and stuff like that. And...

Cecily (14:48.309)

or you go numb because you have been under so much emotional pressure. Things have been so raw at such a high level and the volume of the emotions have been so high turned up to 10 for so long that emotionally and physically it's just like our body blows a fuse and our emotions blow a fuse and put a sword in an emotional state.

Allison (15:11.89)

I just started doing things that got me more involved and closer to him so I could learn that and focus and put my energy into learning more about him rather than focusing on the sadness.

Cecily (15:18.285)

of coma so that we can recover. But here's where the cycle of weariness, this is why we're talking about repurposing our weariness because this place right here, either the grief, the regret, the bitterness, the death of dreams, or this numbness, when we stay stuck in that place, and some of you listening today are stuck, the person, the situation, whatever,

Allison (15:30.346)

Um, let's see. Actually, when she passed, I would have been, uh, 29.

Cecily (15:48.165)

This happened a long time ago and you have been cycling around and around and around and you can't get out of your numbness. You can't get out of your bitterness. You can't get out of that place where your dream died and you're hopeless and you're angry at God. So I'm going to have Ali continue to share now what she did to repurpose that pain because she has and is repurposing that pain.

So Ali, can you just share with the people that are listening that are hanging on your every word right now for this part? You were questioning God, you wanted your mom back, you were angry at God, angry at her, weary and numb. So this situation, this season, testing your relationship with God, what was the turning point for you? And how did you repurpose that pain?

Allison (17:18.906)

I'm. Another thing was just like I said just more saying rooted with God I just got into connect groups with my church and that were. Do Bible studies not so I did one of them that was good cuz it gave me another also place to share some of that grief and then talk with people so.

Cecily (18:22.293)

So good. So good. Ali, do you mind me asking how old you were when your mom passed?

Allison (18:29.46)

Yeah.

Cecily (18:37.785)

So folks, I hope you're listening to what Ali just said. Here she is in her 20s, losing her mom, and yet listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit, telling her to stay connected, stay rooted in fellowship, dig into the word, dig deeper into her relationship with Jesus, and to focus on what really matters, her relationship.

Allison (18:46.998)

to someone who's more of the younger mentality? Um... With that, I just feel like you just gotta push yourself. You're never gonna know if it'll help you or not unless you force yourself to get out there, because trust me, I'm someone that's extremely introverted and quiet, groups of people scare me, having to sit there and talk to people. So I forced myself into those situations and made myself be the one to speak out, and that gets me to the point where eventually you're not scared of that. You're not...

Cecily (19:05.541)

with her sister and her dad and make the most of the time in the relationship that they have to be able to grieve together but also to be able to heal together. I want you all as listeners to take those three keys to think about what she has just said. Dig into the word, stay rooted in fellowship, focus on what matters because in our season of grief.

Allison (19:16.034)

going to be in that state of mind where you're like, oh my gosh, not a social event, you know? Like, you'll get better and you'll get used to it.

Cecily (19:36.161)

It's easy for the enemy to pick us off. That's what he wants to do. He wants to isolate us and justify why we have every reason to be mad at God, to feel like the whole, you know, the Bible is garbage, just chuck the whole thing. But Ali did the exact opposite. And it has brought strength and tremendous healing.

Is there anything else you can think of that you did in this season and that you are doing in this season, Allie, that has helped you and is helping you repurpose that pain of the weariness of grief?

Cecily (20:36.513)

Oh, that's a huge key right there. That's huge because even though we don't really wanna talk about our pain all the time, it is so important to have that outlet. And in a small group setting, that's perfect because I mean, I don't know what kind of, how big your church is. The church that I go to, you know, we're a couple hundred people.

per service on a Sunday, we have two services. But on a Sunday morning, it's, oh, hi, how are you? Oh, good, how was your week? Great, have some coffee, and we jet. But it's in the small group setting you really build relationships, you really make relationships. And I mean, you're a little bit on the older side, but I feel like that generation that's just below you really struggles in that because they're so on their phones.

You know, their idea of a relationship is social media or TikTok or like viewing people's lives and rather than actually engaging in life. So I mean, how did how do you respond to that to somebody who's like thinking like that?

Allison (21:36.174)

Well, like I've been saying through all this, I just say, you know, cling to Jesus because he's the only one that's going to be there. Like you said, every hour he's going to be by your side and he's the only one that can solve those problems. He's the only one that can work miracles. So, yeah, trust in him.

Cecily (21:48.491)

Yeah.

Allison (22:04.57)

Um, just over one year, it would have been one year in August of last year. Yep.

Cecily (22:22.35)

So good. Oh, that's awesome. That is so awesome. All right. Well, Allie, I am so proud of you. Thank you so much for coming on this podcast. It definitely, it can be an intimidating thing to do, but I'm so glad that you shared your story with us and how you are repurposing the weariness of bitterness. I mean, the weariness of grief, because...

like I said earlier, it's not just dealing with the loss. Grief is so, it's so layered. And there are so many people that are experiencing the weariness of grief and wondering, when am I gonna get my life back? And I appreciate the fact that you talked about that you're reaching the point now where you can laugh again.

and you're working through all the questions of, is it okay to have fun? Yes, it's okay to have fun. Mom would want me to have fun. Is it okay to be laughing and to be joyful and to be carefree? Yes, it's okay. Mom would want me to laugh and be careful and carefree. So, you know, you're repurposing this in every season and through every emotion. And the way, guys, that she is doing it is with Jesus. And Jesus is the resurrection and he's the life.

He is a living hope. He's the anchor for our soul. He is the balm of Gilead. There is no one that can heal that raw open wound like Jesus Christ. He knows exactly where we hurt. He knows every thought we've thought. He knows our fears. He's the only one who can be there. We're up at two in the morning, pacing the floor in a combination of anger and sadness. He is the one that we can pour everything onto. And Allie has done just that.

So, Allie, do you have any last word of wisdom for anybody who is walking through this or any comforting word, anything that you would say to somebody who is, you're sitting across the table in Starbucks and they just got their coffee and they're pouring out their story. What do you say to them right now?

Cecily (24:50.633)

Yes, absolutely, absolutely. And honestly, Ali, the fact that you can be sitting here right now in, I mean, how long has it been since your mom's passing, two years?

Allison (25:01.75)

Thank you.

Cecily (25:10.025)

in just over one year have moved so eloquently and so anointedly through that season of grief and you're not through it obviously you're still working through it but repurposing the weariness of that grief in such a short period of time it that is a miracle guys for those of you who have been grieving and you've been stuck in deep

places of grief for four years, 14 years, 40 years. I'm sure you're listening to Ali and going, wow, there are keys here that I need to put into play. Well, Ali, there's so much more that we could share. I just wanna thank you so much for such a great discussion and for sharing your story with us and adding so much value to my listeners. Before we sign off, I just wanna invite you all.

to join our live Q&A and discussion when it gets scheduled. So be keeping your eyes on my Instagram and Facebook to see when Allie and I will be chatting live on Instagram. And maybe you have questions about how weariness is impacting your life and you wanna ask her specific questions about how she repurposed her weariness into a deeper connection with the person of Jesus Christ. Or maybe you've been doing this work with God and you just wanna share your story. We'd love to hear that.

In our Q&A, you're gonna have the opportunity to do that. So make sure to join it and share the link in your social media when it comes out so your friends and followers can join you as well. And for now, I just wanna thank you, our incredible tribe for being part of today's podcast. I'm here to help you and encourage you on your journey. So if anything you heard today blessed you, then please let me know in the comments and also be a conduit of blessing so other people can benefit.

Share what you learned with others. And you can do that by sharing things on social media or during a conversation at the water cooler at work or hanging out with friends. And if you haven't already, subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening to it, whether that's Spotify, Apple podcasts or YouTube. And also make sure to join my website, my email list, sorry, on my website, Hire so you can receive my newsletter and my blog.

Cecily (27:32.293)

Friends, we are on a pursuit of more of Jesus together and none of us has arrived. But my goal for this podcast is always to offer you something nourishing that will strengthen, encourage and challenge you as you pursue Jesus in the midst of your everyday and messy life. So until next time, I just pray that you walk in the favor of God and I will see you in the next podcast. Allie, thanks so much for joining us. Have a great day.