From Fear to Faith: Holding onto God Through The Unthinkable

What do you do when fear grips your heart and won’t let go? How do you find peace when life takes an unexpected, heart-wrenching turn? 

In this episode of The Higher Pursuit Podcast, Cecily sits down with her daughter, Ashley Hawkins, to share a deeply personal and powerful story of faith, fear, and surrender.

Ashley takes us through some of the most challenging moments of her life—an intense childbirth, the devastating loss of her father, and the unthinkable diagnosis of her baby girl. As she recounts the harrowing journey of searching for answers, facing life-altering news, and ultimately making the decision to trust God no matter what, she reveals the transformative power of repurposing fear into unwavering faith.

If you've ever struggled with overwhelming fear or questioned how to move forward in the face of uncertainty, this conversation will encourage and challenge you. Tune in to discover how surrendering to God's plan—no matter how painful—can lead to peace and purpose beyond what you ever imagined.

📖 Want to dive deeper into repurposing pain? Cecily’s book, Repurpose Your Pain, is available on her website https://bit.ly/repurposeyourpainbookpurchase and on Amazon https://amzn.to/47DMW9C .

🎧 After you listen, take a moment to reflect: What fear do you need to surrender today? Share your thoughts with us or tag us on social media—we’d love to hear your story!

Podcast Takeaways:

• When fear takes hold, where do you turn? Discover how shifting your focus—counting blessings instead of dwelling on what’s lost—can transform your perspective and bring unexpected peace.
• Pain is real, but so is healing. Acknowledging your hurt is necessary, but staying trapped in it isn’t. Learn how to process fear and pain in a way that leads to growth, not stagnation.
• What if your greatest fear could be repurposed for strength? Instead of letting fear paralyze you, find out how surrendering it to God can open the door to healing, purpose, and renewed faith.
• Hope in the hardest places. When the unexpected happens, trusting God’s plan isn’t easy—but it can be the key to navigating life’s toughest storms.
• You’re not meant to face fear alone. Leaning on the love and support of family and friends can make all the difference in a season of uncertainty.
• Peace in surrender. Sometimes, the moment you release control is the moment you gain the strength and clarity you’ve been searching for.
• Worship in the storm. Choosing to praise God—even when the outcome is unknown—isn’t just faith, it’s warfare. Learn how worship can anchor your heart in even the darkest moments.
• Faith that doesn’t waver.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction and Background
• 2:39 Life as a Movie: Counting My Blessings
• 4:48 Choosing a Positive Perspective
• 6:51 Repurposing Your Pain
• 7:19 Repurposing Your Fear: Ashley's Story
• 18:06 The Nightmare Begins
• 19:05 The Battle for an MRI
• 20:00 The Surgery and Unexpected Findings
• 21:29 Understanding METS
• 22:02 Hope in the Face of a Low Success Rate
• 23:12 The Moment of Uncertainty
• 24:10 The Shocking Pathology Results
• 25:18 The Weight of Losing a Child
• 26:06 Surrender in the Chapel
• 26:35 The Support of Family & Friends
• 27:24 Embracing the Worst Case Scenario
• 28:20 The Decision to Praise God No Matter What
• 32:16 The Miracle of Surrender
• 35:46 Putting a Stake in the Ground
• 36:10 The Crucible Moment
• 38:14 Closing Remarks

Transcript

Cecily (00:02.135)
Hello everyone. Welcome to the Higher Pursuit Podcast. We are so glad that you join us. If you're looking for content that will encourage you, that will build you up in your pursuit of Jesus, and sometimes challenge you just a little bit, then stay tuned because you are in the right place. Well, if you're new here, the series that we're in right now is called Repurposing Our Pain, and that's based on my book,
Repurpose Your Pain, which is available on Amazon and all the places. So today I am joined by a wonderful, very special guest to me. My firstborn, my beautiful daughter, Ashley Hawkins, and Ashley is a born and raised New Englander, as am I. We haven't gotten out much. Haven't lived anywhere else, but right here in the land of the frozen chosen.

She and her husband, Matt, have been married for 17 years this June. I cannot even believe it. And, oh my gosh, I can't even believe it. It was like yesterday that we were getting your wedding dress, but, and in the meantime, she graduated from nursing school and then worked as a nurse for nine years and she comes from a really large family, which I can attest to. You've probably heard me talk about having blended a family with six children. It was a lot. And she was the oldest.

Ashley Hawkins (00:58.966)
know right? Crazy.

Ashley Hawkins (01:21.431)
Yeah.

Cecily (01:23.043)
And the most just, she had a lot put on her plate as the oldest of six. But she didn't shy away from a large household because she went on to have four children herself. She has a son and three daughters ranging in age from six to five months old. And Ashley will attest that being a mom is the greatest gift that God has given her. And that's actually another podcast I think that I need to have her on for is
was her story of the waiting and the enduring and hanging on to God's promise that she would have children because there was a battle to get there. But that's another story. Her kids are in... Yeah, exactly. And so she and her husband, they manage investment properties and while he handles the face-to-face interactions...

Ashley Hawkins (02:02.582)
Yeah. Different day.

Cecily (02:13.843)
She's the back office in accounting, although you will often find Ashley with a drill in her hand. She's great at a bunch of different things. She's done, she repairs plumbing and door lock changes and heating system troubleshooting. And unfortunately, you know, having to do some of the legal stuff that goes with being a landlord. So she is carrying a lot. But so now I'm gonna ask you, Ashley.

If your life was a movie, this is our little icebreaker question that I usually like to start off the podcast with. If your life was a movie, what would that title be? And who would you like to play you in the movie? I don't know if you thought about that, but...

Ashley Hawkins (02:54.887)
So, I've always thought different things. I'm always like, oh, you know, I don't know. I always go back to my like high school self that's like it'd be like the most beautiful past but I think I just realized that my life movie would be Counting My Blessings and I think I just keep going back to my great grandma Helen and just that when she used to sing that song Count Your Many Blessings, Bless Them One By One and I think every time in life when I've had a challenge it's been Counting My Blessings and that has gotten me through that tough part and moving on to the next so I think it'd be Counting My Blessings would be my like my movie title.

Cecily (03:14.519)
So good.

Cecily (03:35.347)
Nice, and who's gonna play you?

Ashley Hawkins (03:38.539)
So who's gonna play me? Like I think that feels so like hot to be like, this is who I wanna play me. But I think I look maybe a little bit closer to like Rachel McAdams or, what was I thinking? Maybe even Anne Hathaway. But if I think the actress that plays people the best is Jessica Chastain. I think when she plays a real life person, she nails it. She nails it.

Cecily (03:49.729)
Oh yeah.

Cecily (04:01.786)
Ugh.

Cecily (04:05.591)
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. All the feels. Everything.

Ashley Hawkins (04:10.127)
She nails it like I love when she plays somebody but like we don't like look alike or anything, but she's awesome at that so So that those are my I guess my people

Cecily (04:17.735)
Yeah, she is. She absolutely is. That's so cool.

Mm-hmm count your blessings count your many blessings that is awesome and in the challenges of life because life always gives us challenges that really is the best frame of mind to have because we always have a choice about what we're gonna focus on and Where we focus will change our attitude and eventually our attitude will change our atmosphere

Ashley Hawkins (04:35.953)
Mm-hmm.

Cecily (04:48.255)
But focusing on the wrong thing isn't going to change the circumstances. And I think that's the thing that we fall into thinking, don't you think? But if I just focus on the negative, that somehow focusing on it is going to fix it or change something, but it never does.

Ashley Hawkins (05:01.243)
Yeah. I think I part of my personal, I guess, soapbox right now is when people are focusing on their trauma or this was my trauma or my whatever. And I'm like, while I do think there's a space to say I had this hurt and we need to address it so we can move on. But how much are you putting it under the blood? How much are you giving it back to the Lord? How much are you just saying that happened?

Cecily (05:13.899)
Yeah.

Cecily (05:20.246)
Yes.

Really.

Yes.

Ashley Hawkins (05:29.859)
Look at all the amazing things that's happened in my life. Look at all the blessings I have in my life. And I think you can look through a lens of negativity or you can look through the lens of positivity in actually thanking the Lord for what has happened or what you do have. I may not have this or that, or I may have gone through X, Y, Z, but these are what I do have and what I have, you know, the good things that has done. And I think it reframes everything, but.

Cecily (05:30.135)
Come on.

Yes.

Cecily (05:48.852)
Hmm

Cecily (05:55.471)
Yes, yes. Well, and it's interesting you say that because, you know, in writing the book, repurpose your pain. That's really why I wrote it. Because I noticed that there were so many people that were stuck in their pain. They were either rehearsing it, so talking about it all the time, unable to move past it, or they were repressing it. And neither one of those is good. And so

Ashley Hawkins (06:03.004)
Mm-hmm.

Ashley Hawkins (06:12.933)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cecily (06:23.955)
We're actually going to acknowledge the pain, yes, but then we're gonna bring truth to the pain. And then we're gonna do the work of repurposing it. Why? Because we need to move past it. God needs us to be healthy and whole. He needs his army not to be thousands of wounded warriors that are constantly regurgitating all the terrible things we've been through. We need to be whole and strong, but.

Ashley Hawkins (06:29.562)
Mm-hmm.

Ashley Hawkins (06:38.521)
Yes.

Ashley Hawkins (06:47.351)
Agreed. Yes.

Cecily (06:51.731)
And pretending that something didn't happen isn't the answer, and neither is constantly going around and around that mountain. So anyway, Ashley, let's get to the topic that you're going to be sharing on today, which is repurposing your fear. And you went through a circumstance that I think is going to blow a lot of minds, and it's going to really touch a lot of hearts. So I'm not going to...

Ashley Hawkins (06:58.724)
Agreed.

Cecily (07:19.643)
say anything more. I want you to just share your story. Give the details girl because they're important.

Ashley Hawkins (07:25.351)
Okay. Well, this, I guess, mostly happened in 2021 and 2022. So in April of 2021, I gave birth to my third child, my second daughter, Eliana. And it's funny, as we were going to name her, like I just kind of started researching names and I loved the name Eliana. I just felt like this was like zap. And her name means the Lord has answered. And...

Cecily (07:53.904)
Amen.

Ashley Hawkins (07:54.759)
Lord has answered and I just felt like this connection in my womb and I was like oh gosh I think that's her name but that comes in later um so I gave birth to her it was kind of an interesting birth like maybe I went to the hospital maybe I almost touched heaven you know but I'm yes I've never seen you so scared ever and even my husband I've never seen him scared

Cecily (08:07.115)
Ha ha.

Cecily (08:14.28)
Yes, scary me as your mom. I was there that day and it was very scary.

Ashley Hawkins (08:24.375)
ever. I've never seen Matt scared and I could see him looking over me like being like... But anyway, that's a totally different story as well and we're fine. But so we came out of that. Eliana's like a few weeks old and I got a call in the beginning of May and it was from you and you're like, hey Ashley Page, uh, your dad died. And I was like, what?

Cecily (08:45.338)
Mmm.

Ashley Hawkins (08:53.347)
And I was like, what are you talking about? And I think I just went into this tailspin, I was like, you're kidding, like my dad couldn't have died. I just saw him a couple weeks ago. I'm like, that's impossible. Like he was just here, like he was fine. And my dad lives in a few states away, so, or he lives like, you know, multiple states away. So I couldn't like go verify, I felt very trapped. And like the whole family's calling each other and my dad just died unexpectedly. Like, like.

stepbrother had basically walked in and just found him on the couch and like that was that and so we had no explanation for that so I kind of had this like unexpected birth that didn't go well. My father just died unexpectedly. And then a couple months after that, you know, you had COVID and but I was starting Sam off in preschool and I'm like, oh, this is gonna be so sweet. Like Sam's gonna be in preschool and then I'm gonna have time with just my two-

Cecily (09:35.339)
Right.

Cecily (09:41.313)
Yes.

Ashley Hawkins (09:50.663)
girls, but even just talking, thinking about Brynn, I was like, babies sleep a lot. And then Brynn and I will get some really special time together because, you know, I think moms know when they have more kids, you don't get as much time individually and Sam got so much time. And then I was like, okay, I'll just get some time with her. It'll be so great. And he'll be in preschool. And, and then the second day of preschool. So it was like three days after he started.

I look down at Ellie Bean and I'm having my special day with Brinny. We did our nails. We got lunch. And as I'm sitting eating lunch, I look over and Eliana was usually very upset in her car seat. Like she just didn't want to be in there very long. And she's just laying there the whole lunch and like just like staring off. And I remember looking at her and being like, you don't look right. Like you just look like, like I think you're getting sick. Like, oh my gosh, you're getting sick.

And she just laid there and I was like, okay. And then the day continues and whatever. And I was nursing her and I actually took a picture of her nursing because I was going to send it to you and be like, does she look funny to you? Like, I think she looks yellow. I was about to say, you know, set text that you would be like, does she look funny? And Matt went off to his physical therapy appointment. And right as I was kind of about to text that picture, she just like. Pulls off and like projectile vomits all over me.

Which one?

Cecily (11:18.283)
So frame out, I'm not sure if we mentioned exactly how old Eliana is at this time.

Ashley Hawkins (11:22.787)
Sorry, Eliana is four months old. So she's four months old. She's about to turn five months old, but she's four months old. And little tiny. And like she projectile alarm is all over me, which she had never even spit up before. Like she just didn't spit up. And I was like, hmm, that's weird. And even as I'm saying, oh, that's weird. What made it alarming is that she just kind of like, was like, eww, and like wilting. And I'm like, oh, mmm.

Cecily (11:25.597)
Okay.

Ashley Hawkins (11:51.895)
and moms have a gut and my alarm bells were going off and I was just like, oh, nah, something's wrong. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, she got COVID. My mom just had COVID, she must've gotten COVID. She got COVID. And I was like, but all of us are fine. I'm like, I don't know. And we were well out of our exposure window with you, but that's the only thing I could think of for a baby is that she must've had a virus that's COVID. And so I called Matt and I said, I think I need you to come home. I'm gonna have to take Eliana to urgent care.

Cecily (11:54.816)
Yes.

Cecily (12:14.243)
Yeah. Sure.

Ashley Hawkins (12:22.391)
And he goes, okay, I'm on my way back. And as he's driving back, which was a couple minutes, she pukes again and gets even more will-ty. And I was like, mm, I actually think I'm gonna go right to the emergency department, I'm not gonna go to urgent care. And Matt comes home and I luckily thought enough of changing my clothes, because I vomit all over me. And change my clothes and get out the door.

and I walk into Wentworth Douglas and as I'm checking in at the triage station, like I'm just checking in, the triage nurse comes right out and he goes, I do not like the look of that baby. He goes, I'm finishing triaging an 18 month old right now, you're next. And I like sit down and even in the five minutes, like she's just like, I feel her just kind of wilting on me a little bit. And I was like, Oh, oh my gosh. And I was like, okay, something is not right.

Cecily (13:21.588)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (13:22.579)
And we go and the triage nurse takes her vitals and me being a nurse I was like Those are those are way off like not okay way off and he's like, okay Go have a seat in the waiting room. We'll be right with you and within I think three minutes of sitting in the waiting room he took me right out back took me right into a room and As I walk into the room I know most people that have gone to the ED you walk into a room and you wait and you wait for the doc and you Wait for everybody was there

Cecily (13:48.011)
Right.

Ashley Hawkins (13:48.891)
there were like three nurses, the ED doc, and everybody was like in the room, hooking her up, doing IV, like doing all the things, and the doc is like looking at her immediately. I was like, oh.

Cecily (14:02.975)
This is a big deal.

Ashley Hawkins (14:04.143)
This is a bigger deal. I started to have a moment where I'm like, oh, this is a bigger deal if everybody's already right here and triaging her and doing things. And her blood work came back that she had like a white count that was astronomically high. I won't bore people with the numbers, but it was astronomically high. They had to shut off the sound on the alarm, on the monitors, cause she was just alarming everything. And she was just getting really like listless in my arms.

Cecily (14:09.687)
Bye.

Ashley Hawkins (14:34.687)
But anytime they'd examine her, she'd freak. And I quickly realized it wasn't a virus because every time they touched her belly, like she'd like, ah, and freak out. And I was like, oh, okay. So the ED docs, I'm gonna get an x-ray. We got the x-ray. And then he goes, I still want one of our pediatric doctors that we contract with to come see her. I luckily have, because I worked on the labor and delivery unit upstairs for a short bit, knew this pediatric doctor and he knew me.

Cecily (14:42.211)
Mm. Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (15:03.363)
So he comes in, he goes, oh, hey, Ashley. He goes, I've worked with you, haven't I? I said, oh, yes, I did. And so he goes, okay, so we can just like have a conversation. And then he goes, I'm not necessarily sure we need to transport you. We'll see what happens. But then he's like, I do want to check at the x-ray because after he examined her, he kind of like got a little more concerned. And then he goes, checked the x-ray and he comes in, he goes, okay, you're a nurse. You know what you're looking at. Come to the monitor and look with this with me. And I was like, okay. And...

Cecily (15:32.223)
Oh.

Ashley Hawkins (15:33.447)
As he pulls up the screen, I can immediately see that the whole right side of my daughter's abdomen is just white. And it should not be white. You should have black patches where there's air, fluid, your bowels kind of have patches of white because you have patches of poop in you and whatever, but you should have gas patterns as well, which is like, you should be able to see a lot of different black and white. It shouldn't be a solid opaque.

Cecily (15:42.187)
Wow, and what does that mean?

Ashley Hawkins (16:02.999)
Usually solid opaque is like something solid, not good. So he goes, I'm thinking, he goes, what I felt is, he goes, I felt something on her kidney. He goes, I see this x-ray. He goes, it makes me believe that she has a tumor. And he goes, and I, he goes, I really think she has a pretty good tumor on her kidney. He goes, the good news is, he goes, most kidney tumors, he goes, there's like two types of kidney tumors for Peds. He goes, and they both are really high cure rates. He goes, and I hope I'm wrong.

I would love to be wrong and not her not have one. He goes, but I'm going to send you to Boston right now. For some that don't know, Boston is about an hour drive from us, but it's like the leading medical hub. So he's like, I'm going to send you to Boston. And I was like, whoa. So I'm like texting my husband, like, OK, I am going to be going to Boston in like five minutes. And then I'm like, wait a minute.

Cecily (16:43.187)
Right, right, right.

Ashley Hawkins (16:59.919)
Her car seat's here, she's going by stretcher in an ambulance. And I'm like, okay, well my van's here, Matt's gonna need my van. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, can I leave my keys so that my husband can pick up my van? And like, I don't know. And I was texting my friend Marcia and I was like, so I'm kinda getting transferred to Boston like right now. Or no, I text her the next morning. But I don't even know what's going on. And we get into Boston.

Cecily (17:09.276)
Right.

Cecily (17:24.424)
Mm.

Ashley Hawkins (17:28.783)
And I just remember the whole ride down is my little teeny baby in this massive stretcher. She just looks so pitiful and sad and she has all of these things running through her. And I was just being like, this is so weird and surreal and what is happening. And like, I thought it was COVID and now we have a tumor and I don't know. And then as we're like pulling...

Cecily (17:35.081)
Yes.

Cecily (17:39.447)
Mm.

Cecily (17:44.533)
Yeah.

Cecily (17:53.415)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (17:57.499)
There's a ramp in Mass General to go into the basement where all the ambulances go. And I just remember as they're pulling into the basement, I'm like, it begins. So this begins like this next really big journey. Okay. Oh, and it's, you know, late and you're tired, but we check into the ED and they got us a CAT scan. We got all the things. We finally get up to the room at like, I don't know, three in the morning.

Cecily (18:06.919)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (18:25.731)
And the doctors do the same thing. And then we just started this week of nightmare where my daughter's labs all looked horrendous. She could barely move. She was in so much pain. It's like I could nurse her in one position, but it would hurt her so much to really do.

anything and her blood pressure was through the roof. It was just astronomically through the roof so we're seeing nephrologists, oncologists, surgeons. They come in all the time with all of these massive teams of people because it's a teaching hospital. So the surgeon comes in with no less than 10 people and you're trying to talk to your surgeon and everyone else is there and you're like okay hi and for everything and it was so

Cecily (19:05.012)
Yeah.

Cecily (19:08.948)
Hmm.

Ashley Hawkins (19:19.119)
this collapse Labor Day weekend. And for people in the medical community, nothing happens on a holiday weekend. Anesthesia doesn't have to be there. They were not there. MRIs usually don't happen, and all the oncologists and surgeons are saying, we need the MRI before I can schedule anything. So it was like a weekend, and I'm like asking people to pray. I'm like, I need a miracle to get this MRI done.

Cecily (19:22.923)
No.

Cecily (19:29.585)
Yep.

Cecily (19:46.663)
Yes.

Ashley Hawkins (19:47.811)
so she can have surgery so we can get this out of her body because she was really decompensating. And it just felt like it will go really poorly if I don't get the surgery done. And luckily her surgeon was like, pushed some boundaries and pushed some things. And on Labor Day, a pediatric anesthesiologist comes in and we got the MRI, we got everything. And it kind of went from like...

Cecily (20:00.224)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (20:17.079)
little too much realizing it's the size of a softball. It was very close to her main artery and vein which if it had touched that then we would have had a her prognosis probably would have been almost zero but it was very it was like but it was right there and we were able to get her into surgery on Tuesday that was like probably the longest day of my life and Matt and I walking around

Boston and just or like we're just trying to keep ourselves busy getting the call from the surgeon that the surgery ended up going way longer than it was supposed to. You know at first we're thinking this is what's called a Wilms tumor, super high success rate, easy. We knew she was gonna lose her kidney but it wasn't, didn't seem it was gonna be a long surgery. Oh and all of this time we found out that she had met to her liver and to her ribs.

Cecily (20:56.116)
Right, right.

Ashley Hawkins (21:16.059)
And again, even stage four Wilms has like an 86% cure rate. So we're like, okay, even though she has METS, even though it's stage four, there's a good chance that she'll be fine.

Cecily (21:29.067)
So for people who don't know what METS are, can you describe what that is a term for?

Ashley Hawkins (21:32.967)
Sorry, it's metastatic disease where the cancer has traveled to different parts of the body and is now growing in different parts of the body. And she had it growing on her liver and I think four, it was four or five spots on her ribs. I think it's four. Four spots on her ribs. Which usually lowers your rate of cure rate because when it's traveled, now there's so much more to it. But again, we're still seeing a high prognosis, like a high...

Cecily (21:47.563)
Hmm.

Cecily (21:55.221)
Yes.

Ashley Hawkins (22:02.435)
success rate. So we're like, okay. And you know, we've just, I know we had a lot of people praying for us. We were built up in faith and we're just, you know, like, I'm like, I'm not going to go to panic town until someone tells me I need to go to panic town. Like I just, I'm not doing it. And, um, we had the surgery. She be seeing her in recovery, I think was like one of like the best moments of my life, just being able to touch her. I just like held her hand and you're not allowed to like really wake them up too much, but.

this little girl, then she comes out and her incision goes from like on her belly, this is her belly button, it goes like all the way past her belly button. You see your little girl, she's got the big port in now, this little baby. You're like, ugh. But she instantly, her vitals were like so much better. Her blood pressure was down, her heart rate was down, everything was down. So even though she had a massive surgery, which surgical pain does not feel good.

Cecily (22:46.394)
Ugh.

Cecily (22:53.834)
Mm.

Ashley Hawkins (23:00.207)
Her body was like, better. And she woke up the next day, like laughing and smiling at me. I took pictures and sent it to Matt. Like, we're having a great morning, daddy. And da da, and we're having a great time. And.

Cecily (23:12.855)
So at this point, you must be feeling like, all right, the worst is behind us, we're out of the woods. Like, look, she's already bouncing back.

Ashley Hawkins (23:16.667)
We're out of the woods. The worst is behind us. I'm, yeah. And like, I know we have to do chemo, but it's not gonna be crazy aggressive chemo and it'll be fine and it'll be fine. And so I'm thinking, oh, it's gonna be fine. And then Gordon, my brother, lives in Mansfield, which I don't know how far from Boston, but it's not right around the corner from Boston.

And he calls me and he's like, Hey, I'm going to make you dinner tonight. What do you like to eat? And he brought me dinner. Him and Stevie, his wife, bring me dinner with Gianna. Like poor Gianna is the same age as Ellie Bean. She's one month younger than Ellie Bean or two months younger than Ellie Bean. So like they take this little baby out and like drive her to God knows. They bring me dinner and I'm telling them, I'm like, oh yeah, but she's doing so much better. And they're like, we're really sorry you're going through this. I'm like, but you know what? It's great.

Like Wilms tumor has high success rate, it looks really good. I said, I'm really not worried about it. We're gonna do great. And they're like, oh, that's awesome. So happy to hear it for you. Awesome. And I go up, I eat my delicious dinner. It was really good. They're great cooks. And as I'm sitting there, I'm like, the oncologist comes in, one of the oncologists comes in. He's like, hey, we got the pathology results.

on Eliana and I'm like, oh wow, we weren't expecting pathology for like a week, a week or more. And so I was like, oh whoa, cool. So I call Matt and Matt was coming back from saving my other brother from having run out of gas. Him and the two kids had just helped Uncle Noah. So Matt pulls the car over, gets out so he can talk to me.

and the oncologist just goes, he's like, so we got the pathology back on her cancer and it's not a Wilms, he goes, it's actually a very rare, very aggressive cancer called a malignant rhabdoid tumor. And I just remember being like, oh, and at first I was like, I don't think it like really sunk in, but I do know that the rest of this conversation is blurry. So I think I was like, and.

Cecily (25:18.187)
people.

Cecily (25:30.471)
and show. Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (25:32.131)
He's like, and it has just like a really low success rate. Usually most kids die within a few months of being diagnosed. And he went through the logistics that he goes, sometimes this main sites are in the kidney or in the brain. And he goes, so we do need to do a brain MRI, make sure it's not in her brain. And I think those are the only things I really remember other than just being like, and I think all my

Cecily (25:57.399)
Mm-hmm.

Ashley Hawkins (26:00.203)
optimism, all my like, where this is going to be fine. All the wind just went out of my sails. And then I had no more energy to have faith. I had no more. I had nothing left in the tank. I was gassed and I just, he left. I hung up with Matt. Like I couldn't really even talk to him. I don't think we could really talk to each other. I think we were both just like,

Cecily (26:06.485)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (26:25.939)
Okay, and I don't know I couldn't see his face, but I do know that I think just in his voice He was just okay, and he was like no God's got this and I'm like Sure sure I'm just I'm not gonna rain on your faith parade But I don't have it and he you know and he was texting me after we hung up and he's like you know Ash God's got this it's gonna be okay. God's got her and I'm just like Deep down I believe that but I just I'm not there at the moment. I just I'm

Cecily (26:35.893)
Mm-hmm.

Cecily (26:40.608)
Yeah.

Cecily (26:52.551)
yes

Ashley Hawkins (26:54.087)
not there and I'm the one looking at our daughter and I can't even look at her. I was like seeing her face is killing me and I'm nursing at this moment so like she's getting all everything from me and as I'm like holding her nursing her I'm like I can't even do this like it was like I can't even nurse you this is so horrible and I just remember I got it I told the nurse I was like I just got to take a walk and I luckily she went to sleep.

because she was just catching up on a lot of sleep. So she went to sleep and I just took a walk and I was like, I need somewhere where I can like cry, but not be like in the middle of Mass General, like crying. And I was like, oh, every hospital has a chapel. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the chapel. Usually no one goes to the chapel. So, so I like went to the chapel.

And I'm like looking up and I'm just crying and crying. And I'm just like, I, the only, I just remember the only thing I could see, the only thing I could picture was her dying. And, oh, before I had done this, I called you. And I remember you, I called you first and you said, Hey, Ashley Page, what's up? Or she goes, you said, how are you doing? And I said, not good. And I just knew like, I just broke and you're like, oh no, what happened? And I just was like, I'm gonna lose her. I was like, I'm gonna lose my baby.

Cecily (28:04.2)
I remember that.

Cecily (28:20.631)
I'll never forget that I had stepped outside for some reason. I think there was somebody was over or the television was on or something. And I saw your call and I just knew to step outside and step on our front. Porch and you said, I'm not OK. And I you started telling me, you know, I'm going to lose her and I the.

Ashley Hawkins (28:20.701)
end.

Cecily (28:47.191)
support of my legs went out from underneath me. I've never, you know, you hear people say, oh, my knee's buckled. I've never had that happen to me before. And I just like fell on the ground. And my husband opened the door to see because he saw the look on my face. And then he saw me on the ground. And he was like, what is happening? And I'm like, I can't even, I can't even.

Ashley Hawkins (29:13.223)
I can't even portray all this right now.

Cecily (29:15.383)
Yes, I'm like, this isn't something I can relay. Don't ask me what's going on right now because obviously I'm on the ground. Yeah, that was very hard call.

Ashley Hawkins (29:20.912)
Let me just get.

Ashley Hawkins (29:24.903)
And then, yeah, that was a tough one, but I knew I needed to call you. And then I called my friend, Marcia, because she had been watching my kids on and off this week. She was the one friend I called her. So we went in Friday night, Saturday morning, like six in the morning. I'm like, hey, I got rushed to Mass General in the middle of the night. Can you go pick up my kids so Matt can come down to Mass General? And 20 minutes later, I get a text message, we're here! And she had my kids, and she gave them the best day ever.

Cecily (29:54.708)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (29:54.939)
and Matt was able to come see me and I'm like, you know, think you have to have a village, you have to have friends, they're all really important and every type of friend. But then I call Marcia and I'm just like, Marcia, I was like, I might lose my daughter. I was like, I don't want to lose her. And she just cried with me. She luckily was then now at a mom's conference. So she had like the whole this whole conference like praying for me and my daughter. But I just remember just being like, I'm

Cecily (30:18.131)
and

Ashley Hawkins (30:23.315)
All I could think about was losing her and going into her room and packing up all her little clothes Having to tell like Sam and Brynnie, you know How do you tell them that their sister isn't around and then do I keep the crib up do I take the crib down and I can just seem like so much and

Cecily (30:34.913)
Yeah.

Cecily (30:45.056)
Wow.

Cecily (30:48.439)
Mmm.

Ashley Hawkins (30:52.495)
And I just remember, I'm like, part of me just has to walk out the worst case scenario. Like I just have to go there. I have to really feel it. I have to embrace it and just be like, okay. And I just remember telling the Lord, you know, as I'm in the chapel now, I'm like looking up and like, okay, God, you said, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can do all these amazing things. And like, I'm not really sure my faith is even as big as that.

I'm pretty sure that my faith might be smaller than that, but if you'll take what I have, I'll give it to you. You'll take this little bit, you can have it. I said, I just don't want to lose her. I'm just asking that you let me keep her. And I think in that moment, and then I just kind of was like, well...

let's say that I do lose her and you do take her, I'm like, I guess what I need to tell you is that at the end of all that, even if you take her, I'll still praise you. You're still going to be my God. I'm never going to turn my back on you. You'll still be mine and I will still seek you in all things. I'll still seek you and I'll still worship you and I think at that moment.

Cecily (32:03.239)
Wow.

Cecily (32:07.743)
Mm. Yeah, amen. Amen.

Cecily (32:16.082)
Mm.

Ashley Hawkins (32:19.183)
I just gave that all to him. All of a sudden I felt the peace and the faith and he took my mustard seed. He took whatever it was and he did just grow it and I could feel it growing and expanding and I was like, okay, I'm ready. And I could go back to the room and I could look at my daughter and I could then text my husband and be like, yeah, it was still the worst night I've ever had in my life. Like, that by far is the worst night I've

Cecily (32:45.41)
Yes, yes.

Ashley Hawkins (32:47.767)
ever endured out of all the things in life. That was it.

Cecily (32:52.443)
I just want to pause right I want to pause us right here because there's just such a big anointing right now I'm feeling from what Ashley just said that moment of saying even if everything goes in the worst possible direction I Will still praise you You will still be my God. The enemy is not going to steal

my relationship with you or my trust that you are good. And people, that right there is a miracle. That was Ashley's first miracle. That was God answering the first bit of her giving that little mustard seed because God answers faith. And she had to say out of her mouth, this is not going to steal my relationship or my trust with Jesus.

And I feel that there are some people that are watching or listening to this right now. And you are flirting on that line. Things have not gone the way you wanted. You did not get your prayer answered the way you wanted and felt like you needed to have it answered. You might be angry at God. You might be questioning everything. You might be thinking, you know, Lord, I prayed. Where were you?

Ashley Hawkins (33:55.623)
Mm-hmm.

Cecily (34:17.115)
Or maybe you're in the position Ashley was in, where you're facing something that, man, either a doctor or a lawyer or just your logic says, this is hopeless. If God doesn't do something, it's hopeless. I would just encourage you right now to hear that tool that Ashley just put in your hands, that tool of saying out of your mouth, it does not matter.

how this turns out. According to my faith, I will trust you. But Lord, you know I don't want to lose my baby. And so for you, Lord, you know I need this. I want this. I'm crying out to you for this. And the Bible says that when we cry out to him, he hears us. But we also have to do exactly what Ashley just said. Lord, I surrender

Ashley Hawkins (34:53.573)
Thank you.

Cecily (35:16.555)
to you the result, the outcome. And I'm determining before we take one more step that I am going to be faithful to you no matter what. That is huge and I hope that you are hearing that because that is a major, major place of faith, putting your stake in the ground. We have to do that. You've got to put your stake in the ground.

Ashley Hawkins (35:20.597)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (35:28.935)
no matter what happens, yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (35:42.177)
Yeah.

Cecily (35:46.759)
and say, I'm not, I am not yielding, I am not surrendering. Satan, I don't care what you throw at me. And I know that this is gonna be a hard road. This isn't gonna be a cakewalk. There's gonna be some good times and there's gonna be some really bad times on this road where I'm gonna want to throw in the towel. I'm gonna wanna give up. So I'm putting my stake in the ground now in this crucible moment. And I'm saying, I'm already making my decision how this is gonna turn out for my faith.

Ashley Hawkins (36:10.853)
Yeah.

Ashley Hawkins (36:17.068)
Yep.

Cecily (36:17.339)
So amazing. Well guys, we are actually at the end of our time and I'm gonna leave you hanging. Oh, I know you probably hate me right now and I'm so sorry, but we are going to continue the second part of this interview in part two. And so I know you're already thinking, just mark your calendars now for when this podcast gets released because I know you're thinking, I need to hear the rest of that story. I can't even believe you're gonna cut us off right here.

So before we sign off, I do want to invite you all to join the live Q&A and discussion between Ashley and I about how she repurposed her fear when it gets scheduled. So be keeping your eyes on my Instagram and my Facebook to see when Ashley and I are going to be doing this, because maybe you have questions about how fear impacts your life. Or maybe you want to ask her, how did you do that? How did you surrender that when you just got a diagnosis that your baby is probably not going to make it?

when they're saying that this is a rare and aggressive cancer and we don't really hold out any hope. How did you do that? So maybe you've been doing some of this work with God. Maybe you have a story where you have repurposed fear like this and other people need to hear your story. We'd love to hear about that. So in our Q&A, you're gonna have the opportunity to ask Ashley questions, to share your story. So make sure to join us and make sure to share the link.

Ashley Hawkins (37:35.376)
Yes.

Cecily (37:45.771)
for that live on your social media so that your friends and your followers can join you as well. But for now, I wanna thank you, our incredible tribe, for being a part of today's podcast. As you know, the repurpose, your pain, and the higher pursuit ministries, we're here to help you and encourage you on your journey. So if anything you heard today blessed you, then let us know in the comments. And also be a conduit of blessing so other people can benefit.

So I encourage you to share what you learned today with others, whether it's around the water cooler or in your neighborhood at PTA, share those nuggets that you took from today because when you share it, then you really own it. And also share on social media. And also, you know, when you're just hanging out with your friends. And if you haven't already, subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening to it, whether that's Spotify, Apple Podcasts, on YouTube.

and make sure to join my email list on my website, high so you can receive my newsletter and my blog. And if you haven't already secured your copy of my book, Repurpose Your Pain, I'll put the Amazon link in the show notes below. And friends, as always, we are on this pursuit of more of Jesus together. That spirit, soul, and body, none of us have arrived.

Ashley Hawkins (39:05.164)
Mm-hmm.

Cecily (39:09.515)
But my goal for this podcast is always to offer you something nourishing that will strengthen, encourage and challenge you as you pursue Jesus in your everyday and sometimes messy life. So until next time, may you walk in the favor of God and I'll see you in the next podcast.