Episode 13: The "Why Me?" Spiral

Embracing Uncertainty to Heal Chronic Pain: The Power of 'Why Me?'

In this episode of 'Mind Your Body,' Dr. Zev Nevo explores the profound and often distressing question of 'Why me?' that many individuals with chronic pain ponder. Using personal anecdotes and evidence-based insights, Dr. Nevo explains how feelings of lost control and unfairness can trap us in a downward spiral of emotional and physical suffering. He emphasizes the importance of shifting our perspective to embrace uncertainty, practice gratitude, and consciously recognize what hasn't gone wrong. This approach, he argues, can rewire our brains for safety, reduce suffering, and foster resilience. Listeners are encouraged to take active steps towards reshaping their mind-body connection, converting the 'Why me?' question from a source of despair into an opportunity for empowerment and healing.

00:00 Introduction to Mind Your Body

01:39 Understanding the 'Why Me?' Question

03:11 Personal Experience with Pain and Surgery

06:12 The Why Me Spiral and Its Impact

08:24 Shifting Perspective: Embracing Gratitude

13:50 Breaking Free from Victimhood

16:41 Practical Steps for Reclaiming Control

18:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

This essential pre-roll message serves as a clear disclaimer, stating that the podcast provides pain and trauma-informed psychoeducation for informational and entertainment purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice. Listeners are reminded to always consult a qualified healthcare professional for specific medical conditions or symptoms.

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LINKS:

• Body and Mind Pain Center
• Mind Body Rehabilitation
• Substack

Transcript

Episode 13 | The "Why Me?" Spiral

Hey everyone, and welcome back to Mind Your Body. I'm Dr. Zev Nevo, your source for pain and trauma-informed psychoeducation and the exploration of mind body rehabilitation. 

So today we're going to tackle a question that I believe is foundational to the experience of chronic pain. A question that echoes in the minds of so many, "Why me?" This isn't just a question. It's a profound expression of feelings of having lost out in life, of perceived failure of things not working out as they should have.

It's often rooted in a deep sense that one deserved a certain kind of life, and that this has been unjustly stripped away. The why me [00:02:00] question at its heart is a very human response to suffering and unpredictability. It comes from our fundamental, yet often false sense of control over outcomes. As human beings, our brains are wired to predict.

 We crave certainty and we build mental models expecting that life should follow a predictable script, that our efforts should guarantee a certain result, and that fairness dictates a life free from chronic debilitating challenges.

 But the truth is, if we're willing to bravely embrace it, is that the world, the universe operates with a degree of entropy or inherent chaos. You know, I recently underwent my second spine surgery in the past five years, and now it's summertime here in Los Angeles.[00:03:00] 

Just the other day, one of my patients, with a genuine look of concern, asked me if I felt left out because I couldn't swim or engage in other activities that would be taxing on my body during this season. Her question really hit home, not with sadness, but with a striking realization about how much my outlook

 has shifted this second time around for me. My previous surgery just a couple of years ago, was a very different story. That time I was consumed afterwards by feelings of lost time, missed opportunities, and a deep sense of nostalgia for my old life. I constantly questioned why I had to endure such pain and undergo surgery.

I struggled with the financial implications of missed work and felt immense guilt about letting patients down while I focused on my own recovery. All of this led me [00:04:00] down a path of feeling utterly helpless about my situation, perceiving myself as a passive recipient of life's harsh circumstances. I get it.

That feeling of being unfairly singled out of a life stolen, it's a heavy burden many of us carry. 

Over the years, I've come to realize how many other people in pain frequently experience similar feelings, whether they express it outwardly or not. This loss of autonomy and predictability in life can often throw a colossal monkey wrench into our carefully laid plans for life. How often do we work so hard to plan out our days and weeks and months and even years meticulously following our to-do list rigorously. All of this immense effort [00:05:00] is designed to maintain a sense of us determining the direction and story of our lives. All too often though, a curve ball comes our way. A flare up, an unexpected expense, a new diagnosis, a setback of any kind, which then forces us to radically change our plans. We begin to miss check boxes on our beloved to-do lists and almost immediately start to feel badly about ourselves.

And from that place, we then project that other people are disappointed in us too. This is such a dangerous but familiar road, a psychological trap, which many of us have gotten stuck on at one time or another in our lives. Let's call this "The Why me Spiral", because it tends to be a downward [00:06:00] spiral towards helplessness. But it's so crucial to understand that it's a dead end.

It's a trap. When we recognize our thoughts going down this particular road, we have a critical opportunity to change course. Our future selves will thank us. Think about it in a very practical sense. Most of us drive to the grocery store and we make it there without incident.

We navigate traffic, maybe hit a few green lights, grab our groceries, and come home. We don't typically stop to recognize all of the countless variables that could have gone wrong, but didn't. The distracted driver who narrowly misses you, the sudden mechanical failure that didn't occur in your car, the unforeseen obstacle that never materialized on the road, [00:07:00] we simply take the safe arrival for granted.

 Our brain in its efficiency prunes away the data points of nothing bad happened. Just recently I was driving to work, a routine commute I've done countless times. Suddenly, traveling through a routine intersection, I narrowly was involved in a five car collision. It was truly a hair raising moment, a split second slamming on the brakes that felt like an eternity. Afterward, as the adrenaline subsided, I found myself doing exactly what I'm encouraging you to do, stopping to think about all of the things that could have gone wrong, the potential for severe injury, merely weeks after a spine surgery, extensive car damage,

injury to my body, being late to critical patient appointments, [00:08:00] all of those possibilities that thankfully did not manifest. This experience, this stark brush with the unpredictable, brought me to a powerful insight about gratitude, and I felt compelled to share it with you this week. Gratitude isn't just about what we already possess or about the big obvious things that undeniably went right for us.

It's also about profoundly appreciating what didn't go wrong. It's about taking a conscious moment to acknowledge the countless negative possibilities that didn't become our reality. When we consciously lean into this type of reflection, it then opens up a tremendous opportunity to cultivate a deeper sense of gratitude for the very fabric of our existence.

As many wise teachers remind us, happiness isn't always about getting [00:09:00] what you want, but appreciating what you have, and this extends to what you don't have to endure. 

Take home point is that your perception of control is often an illusion and true gratitude doesn't just come from what goes right, but from consciously acknowledging the myriad ways things could have gone wrong, but didn't. Actively seek these moments in your daily life and be grateful for them.

This shift in perspective is the first step towards changing your experience. Now let's explore the crucial distinction in how that why me question is asked. If that question is rooted in a mindset of, "I don't deserve this" and, "it isn't fair", it can become a dangerous trap.

This perspective, while understandable, often leads us down a rabbit hole of negative emotions, [00:10:00] deep depression, simmering anger, overwhelming frustration, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness and fatalism about our pain. And here's the insidious part. This negative framing doesn't just make you feel bad emotionally.

As experts in trauma and human suffering explain unaddressed emotional suffering, feelings of injustice, which leads to anger and a sense of betrayal can directly contribute to increasing your physical suffering. It amplifies the neuroplastic component of pain, 

turning up your brain's alarm systems gain knob even higher. This amplification can have profound physiological consequences. When we're depressed, angry, or fearful, our nervous system sensing constant threat, diverts resources. [00:11:00] Research in brain function emphasizes how blood flow to digestion, healing, and even our immune system can be compromised.

We often limit our activity. We might find ourselves confined to a bed or a couch, or we become intensely fearful of movement. This inactivity can quickly worsen deconditioning, impacting our overall activity, tolerance and endurance. When we do try to engage our bodies, we then reach fatigue sooner, which can in turn exacerbate our pain.

It can reengage protective, involuntary guarding patterns of our body. And even lead to new repetitive stress injuries such as tendinopathies or muscle strains. The constant ache becomes louder, sharper twinges appear with minimal movement, and the body feels continuously on edge. For especially vulnerable [00:12:00] individuals such as the elderly with lesser physical reserves and muscle function loss called sarcopenia.

Or those with hypermobility syndromes who already rely heavily on their muscles to compensate for lax ligaments. This vicious cycle of deconditioning and increased protective patterns can be particularly impactful to their recovery journey. The pain reinforces the fear,, the fear limits movement and limited movement worsens the physical state, creating a devastating feedback loop. It's truly a testament to how profoundly our emotional and mental states directly influence our physical wellbeing. Understand the physiological toll of emotional states and recognize this as a trap of reactive living. The why me question when asked [00:13:00] from a place of victimhood can dramatically amplify your suffering, worsen physical deconditioning, and hinder your body's innate capacity to heal. 

So what's the alternative? How do we break free from this pattern and powerfully reclaim our lives? The path forward lies in a profound shift in perspective. We must embrace uncertainty. This is where courage truly comes in. 

We must learn to let go of the fundamental need to control outcomes. This is a practice of surrender. Whether you attribute this to a higher power or to the universe itself, releasing our ego's desire to meticulously determine what is fair or deserving is incredibly liberating. It's about accepting that some [00:14:00] things are simply beyond our control. 

The next skill we must develop is tolive each day as if it's your first. This isn't just a spiritual platitude.

It's a powerful psychospiritual practice. Try to approach each day, each moment as if you're experiencing it for the very first time. This is not gonna be an easy feat every single day, and it's gonna be nearly impossible on some days.

But it's a worthy practice to build muscle in. 

The practice is actively taking time to revel in the things that are going right, no matter how small or trivial it may seem. it means consciously stopping to think of what could be worse, what devastating realities you are thankfully not existing in. For example, when you simply take a breath, [00:15:00] stop and feel the air entering and leaving your lungs consciously acknowledge that effortless process, consider the millions of people who cannot do that without struggle.

Or if you have a moment of reduced pain, even for a few seconds, truly acknowledge it fully in that moment. Don't miss the opportunity and don't dismiss it as a fluke. By actively seeking out and appreciating these moments of safety, you then begin to rewire your nervous system, encoding new neural pathways.

This mindful observation and conscious gratitude helps to ease the mind and body , and quite often dramatically lessens your suffering around pain. It's an active choice to direct your internal resources. So take that conscious step to shift your focus. This is about [00:16:00] taking back control by choosing your response. For the next 24 hours, 

 set an alarm on your phone for every waking hour. When it goes off pause, take three deep breaths and identify one thing that didn't go wrong to feel grateful for in that exact moment. 

 This practice helps to recalibrate your brain's prediction capacity , optimizing it for safety rather than perceived threat. So what's the ultimate lesson from all of this? While why me is a valid human question, the way you ask it is critical. Ask, "why me?" As a chance to learn lessons or opportunities that are now available for you to explore. What can you now dedicate more time and attention to in your life? Want a pro tip? Explore the non-physical patterns such as time of day or social [00:17:00] contexts when your pain seems to consistently become amplified or aggravated so that you can begin to decode the messages that your mind and your body are so desperately trying to convey to you.This profound shift helps regulate your nervous system, reduces suffering, and builds incredible resilience. It transforms you from a passive recipient of life's circumstances to an active participant in shaping your inner world, regardless of external challenges. This is where true healing and empowerment begin. So "Why me?" should empower you to think about understanding t hat pain stems from our bodies drive to survive and is trying to guide us towards safety. H onor and thank our bodies for [00:18:00] creating pain so that we can find safety and live to see another day. So until we connect again, please keep reflecting on these powerful lessons. Celebrate the wisdom you're gaining, and remember to honor the sacred mind-body connection. It's your path to taking back your life. Thank you.